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This chapter should have a trigger warning (discussion of SA).
Chapter 25
Noah had fallen asleep not long after they left, and the car ride back had been silent. So when he drives them back to his apartment, she's a little surprised, assuming that he would have dropped them off at hers.
He pulls into the parking garage and into his spot, and he slips out of the car silently, rounding the car to the back seat. He maneuvers Noah out of his seat, lifting him into his arms and she follows him to the elevator.
Noah doesn't stir on the way up, and he lets them back into his apartment. He heads right to his guest room, pulling back the covers and laying Noah down. She gathers the extra pajamas he bought, gently wrestling Noah out of his clothing and into them. He leaves her to it, heading back into the living room.
She takes her time, giving him a few minutes. Seeing him like this, so quite and withdrawn rattles her a little.
Once dressed, Noah snuggles further in the pillow, and Liv pulls the covers up over him. Flicking on the star light she gives him a kiss on the forehead. "Sleep well, sweet boy. I love you."
Taking a deep breath, she closes the door to the guest room behind her heading back into his living room. She isn't all that surprised to find him at the bar and she watches as he pours himself more than a finger of whiskey. He stares at the glass, twirling the liquid before deciding he doesn't want it after all.
"Talk to me, Rafa."
He shakes his head. "I don't want to talk about it."
Liv moves towards him, running a hand across his back, down his arm. "You may notwantto talk about it, but youneedto," she points out gently. "...you're safe with me."
He wipes his eyes quickly, taking her hand and leading her to the couch. She settles beside him, lacing her fingers with his tightly. His gaze is focused on their joined hands and Liv just waits, giving him the time to gather his thoughts.
"...my childhood, despite what my mother may say, was a...difficultchapter in my life." "It was shit," she offers, using his owns words.
Rafael nods. "...I was different...I liked art and music and literature...all of the rich music and food I was exposed to...I was relentless teased, bullied at school, by my own family...I was everything my father hated and he made sure to tell me that everyday."
He worries his lip, swallowing hard.
"...my abuelo...he took me to my first theatre show and I fell in love...I loved everything about it. The way...the music and the acting and the dancing made me feel...he nurtured that inside me and it didn't matter when the the kids at school teased me relentlessly because I knew...I knew...he'd always support me.
Then he died and I was...crushed."
She rubs his back and a pained expression crosses his face.
"...my father raised his fist at me for the first time after his funeral." He's shaking his head, rising from the couch. He paces a little until the words finally come out of his mouth, strained. "...the sexual assault would come later."
"Rafa."
Tears fill his eyes as he worries his lip. "...'you want to be a f*gg*t so bad?' He'd say..."
She's off the couch, reaching for him only he steps out of her reach, putting the couch between them. "Rafael-"
"-so when Yelena came along," he continues. "...he thought he'd fixed me."
"There wasn't anything wrong with you," she pleads gently.
He's wiping his eyes, leaning over the back of the couch. His shoulders shrug. "Wasn't there?...I let him touch me...force things inside of me..."
She circles the couch towards him and he shakes his head, moving away from her.
"Don't," he warns.
She stands helplessly in his living room, forcing her own tears not to fall. "You were a child, Rafa...he was supposed to love and care for you, protect you-"
"-I never told my mother and when he fell into the diabetic coma and the doctors advised us to let him go I said no. My mother assumed I didn't want to loose him but the truth is I wanted him
to suffer. I wanted him to lay in that hospital bed and feel the pain and the agony he..." His voice catches in his throat as a new bought of tears fill his eyes. "... made me feel."
She holds his gaze, wiping her eyes. He's physically shaking and he's biting his lip so relentlessly she's afraid he might actually draw blood.
"...when I found out about Yelena and Alex...I spiralled. Maybe he was right...so I fucked anyone who'd let me...I was reckless...I let men use me...use my body because I felt I deserved it...it's a miracle I even made it through law school...it saved me."
She nods. "Being a prosector, the suits, the move to SVU?...it's all to protect others the way no one protected you," she says softly.
"Yes."
Her heart aches for him and she wants to hold him, comfort him, tell him how brave and how strong he is and how none, none, of this is his fault.
"Let me protect you, Rafa."
He physically falters at her words and she slowly circles the couch towards him.
"I love you, just the way you are, Noah loves you just the way you are."
He's turning towards her and she reaches for him, pulling him into her arms. His face buries into her neck and his arms wrap around her like a vice and she holds him just as tightly.
"You are not at fault, you did nothing wrong, Rafael."
He cries into her neck and it takes everything inside of her not to give in to her own emotions. She cradles his head to her, sweeping her fingers through his hair, down the nape of his neck, rubbing his back, holding him as he exorcises everything that's inside of him.
"I love you so much, Rafa," she says gently. "I'm all in, babe...you don't have to carry this alone anymore."
He squeezes her tighter.
The minutes pass, and she just holds him, tries to soothe him, be present for him.
When he eventually pulls back, his eyes are red and he looks physically exhausted. "Liv..."
She frames her hands around his face, letting her thumbs caress his cheeks. "You've been there, through the worst moments of my life. Let me be here for you."
He nods.
...
Driving across town at this time of night isn't what she wants to do, but Rafael had assured her he'd be alright while she snuck back to her apartment to pick up a few things for her and Noah.
He'd look at her with such vulnerability in his eyes and her mind is racing, for him, for Lucia, for all the secrets and the things unsaid between them.
There's an empty spot outside of her building, and she thanks the universe for this little thing in an otherwise whirlwind of a weekend. Her doorman lets her in, and she gives him a warm smile. "Evening, Frank."
"Evening Ms. Benson...before you go, something arrived for you yesterday."
She stops, and the man heads into the back room returning with a box. "It wouldn't fit in your mailbox and I didn't want it left outside of your door, just in case."
Accepting the box, she glances down at where the return address should be, only there isn't one. "Thanks...did you get a name?"
He shakes his head. "Arrived by delivery."
"Ok...Thanks." Heading towards the elevator, she judges the weight of the package in her hands. Whatever is inside doesn't move around. Her name and address is the only thing written on it, and she tears into the brown paper as the elevator stops at her floor. She's got the box halfway open as she enters her apartment, and as she swings the door closed behind her with her foot, she wrestles the box open.
Inside is a soccer ball.
She stares at the ball for a minute before the realization hits her. Shelia.
"Do you think he'll like them?" Noah questions.
"I think he's going to love them," Liv answers. She helps him plate the chocolate chip pancakes they've spent the morning making, as he hops down off the chair beside her. Liv hands him the plate as she carries the cutlery and his mug of coffee. "Ok, let's go. Be careful not to drop them."
Noah heads towards Rafael's bedroom slowly, holding his plate of pancakes between his little hands. Liv opens the door for him, and Rafael is still sound asleep. She takes the plate from her son so that he can climb across the bed towards him. He snuggles down into the bed beside him, shaking his shoulder gently. "Uncle Rafa, wake up!"
He stirs immediately, reaching for the boy and pulling him into his arms. "You're up awfully early, amiguito," he comments, his voice thick with sleep.
Noah giggles, wrapping his arms around him. "We made you breakfast! You gotta wake up and eat it before Momma and I have to go!"
Rafael hugs him a little tighter, kissing the top of his curly head. "Just what I needed."
She sits on the edge of the bed next to him and he pulls himself up, rubbing his face. He doesn't look any worse for wear, but there is a tiredness in his eyes that has nothing to do with the amount of sleep he's gotten. She sets the plate into his lap, offering him the cutlery and he reaches for the mug, taking a sip.
"They're chocolate chip pancakes," Noah clarifies. "Mom let me put them into the batter!"
He sets his mug on his nightstand so that he can take a bite. He hums dramatically. "The BEST chocolate chip pancakes I've every had!"
Noah beams, leaning into his side.
She knows that he's not much of a breakfast eater, but he finishes the pancakes nonetheless, listening to Noah talk about school and the science presentation that's supposed to happen today. His gaze has softened several times throughout the one-sided conversation and she notices the emotions settling in his eyes.
"Ok, sweet boy. Go get ready to leave for school." "Have a great day, Noah."
Her son wraps his arms around his neck. "You too, Uncle Rafa. Love you!" He scrambles off the bed skipping out to the living room.
"...just when I didn't think I could cry anymore," he wipes his eyes, exhaling.
She rubs his leg. "Sorry...I just wanted you to start your day knowing how much you're loved."
He nods, wiping his eyes again.
"...Dr. Lindstrom has time in his schedule this morning. I told him you might drop by."
He runs his fingers through his hair, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not ready to...tell people. I've barely processed last night myself."
"I'm not saying you have to tell anyone," she clarifies. "He can help you process, heal."
He nods again, swallowing hard. "I've never told anyone about this, Liv-"
"-and no one is going to hear it from me," she reassures. "I've got you." Scooting across the bed, she takes him into her arms. He hugs her tightly and she rubs his back. "...I gotta get Noah to school."
He lets her go, wiping his eyes. "Of course. Go, before you're both late."
She presses a gentle kiss to his lips. "I love you."
"Love you too."
...
"I'm not really sure how this works."
Dr. Lindstrom gives him a patient smile. "Why don't we start with having a seat?"
Rafael nods, taking one of the empty armchairs in the doctors office. "Liv speaks very highly of you."
"The same could be said about you, Mr. Barba."
"Please, call me Rafael."
Dr. Lindstrom nods. "What brings you here today, Rafael?"
He worries his lip, looking at his hands. "I...I was sexually assaulted...by my father."
"I'm so sorry, Rafael."
He bolts out of the chair, pacing the tiny office. "I've never told anyone...besides you and Liv."
"Olivia is a safe space for you."
He nods. "...there's so much...guilt, and fear and shame inside of me...I don't know how to process it all."
"Many survivors of sexual assault feel the same way, Rafael. It's a very normal response." Survivor.
His stomach churns and he sinks back into the armchair. "I've never considered myself a survivor."
"You've managed to persevere in spite of the trauma you've experienced. You've become a productive member of society, one would even say a success. You've entered into a stable, loving partnership not only with Olivia, but with her son. I think that makes you a survivor, don't you?"
"When you put it like that, yes."
"You disagree with me."
"...I think it's the guilt talking."
Dr. Lindstrom nods. "What do you feel guilty about, Rafael?"
"A lot of things," he admits. "...mostly for letting my father suffer."
...
"How was your weekend off, Liv?" Amanda questions.
She stops for a minute. "Busy," is all she provides before heading into her office.
Carisi looks between Amanda and Fin. "That feel loaded to anyone else?"
Pushing away from his desk, Fin makes his way to her office. He knocks quickly on the doorframe before letting himself in, closing the door behind him. "Everything ok?"
Dropping her bag in to the drawer of her desk, she sinks into her chair, starting up her laptop. She's not about to divulge Rafael's trauma, so she goes with the soccer ball instead. "Shelia Porter sent a package to me."
Fin shakes his head in disbelief. "What she do, send it through the mail? Cause Carisi and I have been watching that monitor all weekend; she never left the house."
"Delivery," she corrects. "It was a soccer ball, which makes me worry that she's been watching Noah for longer than we thought."
"What's Barba saying?"
Putting on her glasses, she adverts her gaze to her computer. "...I haven't had the chance to tell him."
"You two good?"
"Yeah...just, relationship stuff."
Fin nods. "You need me to talk to him?"
She smiles over her glasses at him. "It's not like that, promise...where are we at with Ellie's case."
Fin brings her up to speed on the case worker lead. "The agency is giving us the run around. Might be good to have Barba with us when we go talk to the supervisor, have him talk all his legalese."
"Maybe go without him?"
He doesn't ask any questions, just nods. "Sure. Will keep you posted."
"Thanks, Fin."
Before he leaves her office, he leans against the door. "Look, I know we don't talk like that, but if you ever need to talk like that, I'm here."
She meets his gaze. "Ok."
"Ok."
He let's himself out, and her phone buzzes beside her. She had been fighting the urge to text Rafael, so when she finds a message from Dr. Lindstrom, her stomach clenches.
Handle with care.
She sends him a quick Thank you text before calling Carmen.
"ADA Rafael Barba's office, Carmen speaking."
"Hey Carmen, it's Olivia."
The young woman's voice brightens. "Hi Olivia. Mr. Barba isn't in right now; I can get him to call you, or swing by the precinct if you'd like?"
"No, that's ok. I'm actually just calling to kind of give you the heads up that he's not quite himself today...it might be an extra snack and lots of coffee kind of day."
"Noted. Thanks for the heads up. I'll be sure to tread with care."
"Thanks Carmen...and if Lucia should call, maybe just take a message."
"Got it."
...
By the time he makes it into his office, the morning has already slipped away. Meeting with Dr. Lindstrom has left him raw in a way he's never felt before and the myriad of emotions had been too much on the drive from his office to his own. His eyes still feel puffy as he steps off the elevator, and either Carmen doesn't notice or decides not to mention it, greeting him with her regular smile.
"Afternoon, Mr. Barba."
"Hey Carmen. Could you give me a few minutes before you brief me?" She nods.
He heads into his office, shedding his jacket. There's a pot of coffee already brewed, a box of his favorite pastries from the bakery on 9th waiting for him and he knows Carmen is good, but she's not that good.
Pouring himself a cup, he pulls out his phone, calling Liv.
She picks up on the second ring. "Hey."
His voice is caught in his throat. "Hey...thanks for the coffee and the pastries."
"I figured you could use something comforting."
"Yeah," he laughs shakily.
"I know how raw you're feeling right now; it get's better, I promise."
He nods, willing his emotions not to overcome him again. "I'm going to go; I'm barely keeping it together as it is...Thank you...for..." he sighs, rubbing his forehead. "Loving me through this."
"Always. Try and kick some ass today."
He smiles and he can feel his chest expanding just a little. "Only if you take some names."
"Deal. Love you."
"Love you."
Tbc
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