Michelle woke up sometime early the next morning, finding that the weather had grown quite warm. So much so that the heat of their bare bodies under a thin blanket sufficed for comfort. She took her shirt off, realising that she was slightly apprehensive about him seeing all the new tattoos on her body. It wasn't like he hadn't seen some of them before. But the new ones were very representative of her time away from him. He would likely ask, but Michelle knew that that conversation thread would ultimately lead to the events of the years they spent apart rising to the surface. She knew it was inevitable, but that didn't mean she wasn't terrified. She didn't know where to begin. In an interrogation room in front of strangers, it didn't matter. None of it mattered back then because Tony was gone. The only person she had ever been concerned about being judged by was Tony, and now he was here, now it was very much possible that he could and would.

She laid back down, letting him tug her closer and spent the rest of the night lying awake, watching the sunlight creep through their living room windows, feeling his breaths on her skin. Her thoughts continued to spiral downwards, to the point where she was mentally preparing herself for a life in prison because she couldn't see an outcome where he didn't leave her and despise her for keeping everything from him. And what broke her heart most of all in that vision was not prison, but the thought of him becoming more distrustful of everything and shutting more people out of his life. The thought of him suffering alone again.

"This is new…" He suddenly murmured against her back, pressing his lips to her shoulder. He grazed across the large phoenix, and she squeezed her eyes shut. It reminded her in many ways of the first time he'd seen her tattoos or at least the ones that weren't on display.

Michelle felt his hands peel her shirt off as she leaned against the wall while her own cupped his face, pulling his mouth to hers. His eyes looked down across her exposed skin, and he stilled.

"What?" She said breathlessly, furrowing her brow.

Tony smirked, his thumbs brushing over the floral design on her sternum. It was an array of vine leaves and flowers that gradually crept around her sides and towards her stomach. "Nothing, I…just didn't expect this. It's beautiful." There was so much genuine appreciation and fascination in his voice. It made her blush. She'd had them for years. Most days, she forgot they were there. But hearing him talk about them made all the memories come back again. Kneeling, he started to kiss down her body, tracing the patterns with his tongue. She sighed, closing her eyes.

He continued to move downwards, hands slowly creeping around her waist, touching more and more of her skin. She couldn't let him do this. They hadn't been intimate since they'd been reunited. Michelle didn't feel right letting it happen under such a false pretence. She couldn't let him do something that symbolised such adoration and devotion to her whilst thinking she was the same person he'd fallen in love with all those years ago. Even if the other day had already proved that that wasn't true, she couldn't take hiding from him anymore.

Tony needed to know.

And there was no time to do it but now.

"N-No. Stop. Please." She said quietly.

Immediately he pulled back, turning her face to look at him, both surprised and worried to see her on the verge of tears.

"What's wrong?"

She took a deep breath, mustering the courage to look him in the eyes. "We need to talk about it, Tony."

"I told you that I understood and that I just needed time-"

"No." Michelle huffed. "That's just it. You don't understand."

"What do you mean?"

So many thoughts and emotions were flooding her mind, but she couldn't get a single word out, instead just letting his eyes roam her face with concern. He helped her up gently, pivoting so she was sat in his lap as he leaned against the couch.

"Michelle, what's going on?" He thumbed at her cheek.

"Y-You and I both know that what happened the other day was not the first time I've done something like that. And I know Jack told you what I nearly did after." She let out a breath. "So now I need to talk to you. I-I need to explain some things to you. About what I've done. About who I've become. B-Because all this time you've sat there thinking that I'm still the same person I was before we were apart, but I'm not anymore."

Her heart broke at seeing such innocent confusion on his face. She couldn't take the tightness in her chest, the tension, the overwhelming fear about how he would react. She just had to tell him. When she went to open her mouth, a broken noise came out instead. Her hands shook as she buried her head between them. Immediately, he outstretched his arms, taking her in.

"Hey…hey…whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that."

Michelle shook her head. "N-Not this."

It took her several more tries before she could tell him, several more shameful sobs, several more moments of him telling her it was okay, that he just wanted her to say it, that he couldn't stand to see her so upset. Finally, she took in a deep, even breath, continuing to look down into her lap, not bearing to meet his gaze.

"It…It started when I went undercover." Michelle gulped. "A-After you were gone, I threw myself into work. It was the only thing that kept me distracted from the pain. I did anything and everything that was on the table, no matter how dangerous. I-I hoped each mission would be my last, that I could somehow die with honour."

He tucked a hair behind her ear.

"I had to get close to a former FBI agent. One who'd become corrupt and used his information for the wrong reasons. I-I pretended that I was angry at the government, that I believed they killed you. And it worked at first. I got information from him that I could pass on to CTU. But it wasn't enough. I knew there was more to it and didn't want to give up." She sniffled. "I-I slept with him. I protected him. I did everything for him. And even though I knew it was for the sake of the greater good, I felt so, so guilty. I couldn't believe I'd found it in myself to do that when I'd only lost you a few months before. So when…" She wiped under her eye. "So when I saw the coke, and he offered it, I didn't refuse."

She laughed bitterly.

"I remember wondering before that day how much pain Jack could have been in to make him need to find a way to numb it. I-I just couldn't fathom it. But at that time, I understood exactly why. I knew it wasn't the right way to deal with my grief. B-But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything anymore. Serving my country was all I had left. And when CTU raided his warehouse and put him away, I felt like it had all been worth it."

"Michelle, you were undercover," Tony said with understanding. "If that meant you had to go a little rogue and not play everything by-the-book one hundred per cent of the time, then that's okay. You did what you had to do. Things aren't always black and white-"

"N-No. Don't try and…dismiss it." She didn't want his pity. She didn't deserve it. "D-Don't try and act like you understand because this isn't even the worst of it."

Tony furrowed his brow.

"I didn't…I didn't give CTU everything. I let one of Gaeta's associates get away because she gave me…she gave me information about the people who'd 'killed' you. Somehow she had more of the details than what was on file. She had personal information about their lawyers and their families, things that would usually stay confidential. She told me all I had to do was say the word, and she would take care of them."

Tony's hand brushed against her cheek, reminding Michelle he was still there, even though she wouldn't dare look up at him.

"I didn't want her to. Revenge wasn't what I wanted. Those people were in prison. It didn't seem necessary. When I got back…I was forced to transfer to Division. I found out that Jack knew about it and didn't tell me because he wanted me out of the field. He was right to believe that. I was a mess. I didn't even go to rehab. I just did whatever I could get my hands on and made sure I could still do my job even if I was numbed out of my brain. But it was all I had left, and I was furious, so when I moved to Seattle I stopped talking to him." She pursed her lips. "I stopped talking to a lot of people except Chloe. We bonded over the fact that we were sick and tired of watching people get away with doing these horrible things. Half of the time, I would see reports that instead of throwing these people in jail, CTU would just make some deal with them because they had information, and then they'd get a light sentence or even walk."

He hummed in assent.

"The final straw was when one of the people that killed you got out on parole. I-I couldn't take it anymore. I'd worked at CTU to try and make the world a better place. I thought I was doing the right thing, b-but everywhere I looked, the wrong things were still happening, and I couldn't stop them. And all of a sudden…I realised I believed every word I'd told Gaeta and his crew."

"I'm calling in that favour." She said harshly, so full of anger, so full of hatred, craning her neck to make sure nobody saw her on the phone. "I let you go when CTU busted Gaeta. Now it's your turn to do something for me."

"Ah, I think I know what this is about. Has Special Agent Michelle Dessler really stooped this low?" There was such an audacious tone to her voice. It didn't make Michelle feel any better. Her conscience was already screaming at her that this went against every principle she had. "I can have him shot down the minute he walks out the front doors of that prison."

It sounded so perfect, so easy, letting someone else do the dirty work for her, letting justice be delivered. But this could backfire easily. Mandy wasn't loyal to anyone. She only did what served her interests. And having this kind of information on a CTU agent would be valuable. Also, considering this was one of the men who had beaten her husband to death, Michelle realised that shooting him wouldn't satisfy her. It scared her a little. She never thought she'd be the kind of person to hire an assassin, let alone critique the methods she chose. But being undercover had forced her into situations that channelled parts of her she didn't know existed. It had been worth it. It had also been the first time she'd realised that sometimes sinking to that level was the only way to get justice delivered.

So Michelle realised she didn't want Mandy to kill him.

And not just kill but make him suffer, make him die in pain the way Tony had, and make him give up whatever information he might have on the other prisoners. Although, eyebrows would certainly be raised at his murder, and Michelle would be a suspect. They could only rule her out if she had a strong alibi.

And what better alibi than being dead?

"I don't want you to kill him." She hardened her voice, knowing there was no going back now. "I want you to make me disappear so I can."

Her breathing shortened up. "So I set up a fake suicide. I made the world, our friends, our family, people who care about us, think I was dead. And I went after him. Then it didn't feel like enough, so I killed his lawyer. I…I became so aware of every injustice I'd ever seen, and I made it my mission to make things right. There were just so many people who were getting away with horrible, horrible crimes and I couldn't let them live, I couldn't let them keep doing it. And when I found out that Alan Wilson was behind so much of it, including, no, especially, your death, I knew I wouldn't be able to move on until he was stopped."

The mention of Wilson's name made something click. He remembered being told that he had been killed during his arrest. Tony had assumed an FBI agent or cop had shot him when he'd tried to resist. He remembered how relieved he'd felt that the man who'd torn him away from Michelle and made them both suffer would never have a chance to do it again. But after what had happened the other day with Lyons and what Michelle was saying now, he realised that maybe his assumption had been wrong.

He felt the heaviness of his words as they left his mouth. "You…you killed Wilson didn't you?"

"I-I had to. He killed you. He let criminals g-get away with terrible things, and I know that it doesn't make me any better than them but-"

"Michelle, the fact that you're so worked up, just shows that you have a heart. It just shows that you're human. I still remember when you told me you shot the guy at the hotel, how much it scared you. This isn't any different. Just because you weren't working under an agency doesn't mean you weren't trying to do a good deed."

"No." She said firmly, still somehow feeling as though she was deceiving him. Like she was manipulating him. "Because I didn't just 'kill' them, Tony. I didn't just shoot them and move on."

The finality of her actions hit her now. At this moment, the stench of blood became unbearable. Looking at her hands, her clothes, and his body, there wasn't a single unstained spot. She knew how to clean it up. She had come prepared, but seeing it all in front of her was a different story. The person she'd been when she'd tortured him felt like a stranger to her. The part of her that kept pushing, kept asking for information until she got it. Now that he was dead, Michelle was confused. She thought she'd feel good, feel satisfied. It did a little. Now she wouldn't have to worry about trying to find some way to get him incarcerated again. If Tony was here, she couldn't possibly imagine how horrified he would be at her actions.

But he wasn't.

That's what she had to keep telling herself.

Tony wasn't here, and he never would be.

A crease formed in his brow as he tried to understand.

She wiped under her eyes. "I beat them, I cut them, I did whatever it took to get the information I needed out of them, and then I left them to die in pain. Everything that Wilson's people did to you, everything that's made you so terrified, everything that makes you still wake up in a cold sweat is exactly what I did to each and every one of the people I killed." Her jaw twitched, hating herself for what she was about to say because she knew it was true. "And if you're wondering whether I would have kept asking Lyons for more information if you hadn't shown up, the answer is yes."

He made a small 'o' with his mouth.

"I am a monster, Tony. You should hate me. You shouldn't forgive me for anything. If you knew how I left Wilson's body, you wouldn't dare look at me the same."

Despite how roughly she tried to speak, despite how much she tried to convey how despicable she was, she was struggling to maintain what little composure remained, and actively crying. She had fought her tears as hard as she could. She didn't want him to feel sorry for her. She didn't want him to show sympathy and be understanding when he had every right to be upset at her, to detest her. But ultimately, she didn't resist when he pulled her into his arms, rubbing small circles on her back and kissing the top of her head.

"God, you've been through so much, sweetheart." He whispered.

"B-But so have you." She implored. "Stop pretending that it doesn't bother you, Tony. I-I don't need you taking care of me, that wasn't the point-"

He shook his head, pulling back and speaking softly. "Yes, you do. I'm here for you too. All you need to do is let me."

The echo of her words from the first day they'd arrived at the house made her chest hurt. She squeezed him back tighter.

"I…look, I don't know what to say. I know I'm going to have to think a lot about this, and I know more questions will come up, not because I want to judge, but because I want to understand what you've been through so I can help you. Even if it's not easy for me to process, that's all I want to do for you." He ran a hand through her hair. "You've helped me deal with my past. Let me help you deal with yours now. And at the end of the day, it doesn't change the fact that I love you. Nothing can change that."

"I love you too." She said brokenly, allowing all of the relief to flood through her, finally feeling like she was free.

She didn't have to hide from him anymore.

And she promised herself she never would again.