It began like this.
He woke up.
It was dark. He felt warmth on his skin. He felt a weight on his face and moved the arm blocking his sight automatically, only to squint and hold the hand up against the light coming in through a window.
His stare fixed on the ceiling fan lazily spinning above him. He looked at it for a second or two, and then realized he was alive.
What did that mean, that he was alive? Didn't that mean that he...?
screaming, begging, pleading wait, wait, don't do it please—
His fingers dug in his hair, back arching as he remembered—as he tried to remember—
His head filled with screaming. Her eyes had been so cold.
He stopped trying and collapsed, panting and sweating. He watched the fan spin, listing to one side, creaking softly until the memory felt distant, like it happened to someone else.
Or like a nightmare that he avoided thinking about until he couldn't remember it at all.
He held his hands up and looked at them. He didn't know his own name, but he knew these were not his hands. He sat up and rubbed the material of his pajama pants between his fingers.
It was too short, barely reaching his ankles, and too soft.
He looked at his fingers. He used to hate touching clothes that felt like cotton candy. He rolled his pant leg up to his knee, trying to elicit a reaction and make himself recoil, but it didn't happen.
Who was he?
Could he touch bananas now without gagging at the sliminess?
He experimentally touched the buttons on his shirt as he climbed out of bed. Well, what now? He ̶d̶i̶e̶d̶ was alive.
He walked out into a living room and took it in. A pair of shoes neatly placed in the entryway, a green sofa with stickers on it that, upon closer inspection, covered old rips. A tiny corner of the room had a tile floor, and it was where a teal fridge and a counter sat.
Seems whoever they were lived alone.
He pulled a picture off the fridge. It was of two kids. One with crayon-yellow hair, and the other black haired.
He put it back and peered into a bag on the counter. It was filled with snacks. Snacks he could read. But... he didn't know Chinese. Japanese?
"Weird," he said, stopping at the sound of his voice. "I am..." he trailed off, like the answer might come to him on its own, but it didn't. "I was...?"
He waited. No dice.
He wandered until he found a bathroom, tiny, and leaned against the sink as he took a good look at himself in the mirror. He blinked.
He was the kid with crayon-yellow hair.
He pulled a wild strand and it—it felt like his hair. He pulled down on his eyelid and stuck his tongue out at his reflection, and it mirrored him like it was his face.
It was like a movie. Body... something...?
"What happened to you?" he asked his reflection. "What happened to me?"
He scrubbed a hand through his hair, because even if what was believed about reincarnation was right, it wasn't supposed to be like this, was it?
"Did you die in your sleep or something, crayon-hair?" he asked. "Must've sucked."
It felt like...
...a second chance.
His ̶l̶i̶f̶e̶ death was—
unfair, unfair, unfair, all the way to the end.
"I hope you didn't get stuck as me," he said, and then he snorted, shaking with laughter. "But really, I don't know what to do now. You're not still in high school, are you?"
He glanced at the orange toothbrush in a cup and then took a quick sniff of himself.
He recoiled. "Bleh, that's bad." But it might've been his own breath too.
He was in the middle of brushing his teeth when he heard the doorbell ring.
He locked eyes with himself in the mirror for a second, unsure if he should answer it. He spit. "Do you have parents, crayon-hair? Siblings?"
He paused again when he heard a different ringing—a phone, muffled under something.
"Guess something like this would happen eventually," he told the mirror. He could do nothing, could ignore whoever was at the door until they left and stay cooped up in here.
He brushed his teeth a little more and washed the taste out of his mouth. He glanced at the mirror again. Is this who I want to be?
It still felt surreal. Like he'd wake up at any moment.
He shrugged, dropped his toothbrush back in the cup, and went to get the door, yawning. He struggled a little with the chain lock, but finally pulled it open and—
"You're a jerk. I'm not going to wait for you if you keep keeping me waiting like this—"
—and felt cold. Because, because—
"Kaneki?" he asked. He meant to say Ken Kaneki. Why hadn't he been able to say the first part?
Kaneki stopped himself, taking a moment to really look at him. "Wait, Hide, you're not even dressed. You have that test today—" Kaneki grabbed him by the arm. "—did you forget?"
Because Hide never called Ken Kaneki by his full name.
Hide.
He stumbled back and fell.
Hideyoshi Nagachika.
Kaneki stared at him, hands slowly falling to his sides. "What...? Hide?"
No, no way...
A stronger person would've questioned Hide, would've asked what are you doing or what's wrong, but Ken Kaneki was easily hurt, and even easier to think other people think the worst of him.
So, he stood there, watching his best friend scoot away from him. Kaneki didn't know how to explain that look, or where it came from, but for Hide to look scared of him—
I'm in Tokyo Ghoul.
"I—"
what kind of second chance is this?
Kaneki didn't move, but for a moment his hair hid his face, and Hide couldn't see his expression.
Hide—he had the box set of the first series. He knew Tokyo Ghoul. Knew it better than he'd known himself.
Kaneki raised his head and smiled. "I don't know what I did, Hide, but I'm sorry." He turned quickly to leave.
"You're real," he blurted out.
Kaneki looked back over his shoulder at him.
You don't even know that your life is a tragedy.
He-Hide?-took a breath. "Seriously, Kaneki? You won't even give me a chance before you turn tail and run? Geez, man, I thought you were my best friend."
What a messed up existence.
"But Hide—" the way you looked at me—
"I had a nightmare, okay? There," Hide said, pushing himself up. "A really bad one. I thought it was real. You were dead in it. Like Frankenstein dead—"
Kaneki looked exasperated, "Frankenstein wasn't the monster, and you didn't read it if you think—"
"I went to your funeral and everything. My head is messed up, man. And then I went to sleep, and I woke up and I thought you were still dead," Hide spoke over him. He gestured at himself. "My sorry state is because of you. You think I could take a test if my best friend was dead?"
Kaneki barely smiled. "I couldn't afford a funeral and you know it. Especially when you're the only one who'd go."
"Even more reason for you to have one," Hide said. "And I'd pay for it, of course."
Kaneki fully turned around. "Should I take off my shoes?"
"No, no, we're not skipping now that I know you're alive," he dismissed. "Just give me ten minutes."
"I'm going to miss my entire first lecture," Kaneki said, covering his face with his hands.
"You can leave without me. You'd still make it. If you run."
Kaneki dropped his hands. He looked at him and slowly shook his head. "I'll wait."
That's right... he was a college student.
Hide stretched his legs out and tilted his head back over the neck of his chair.
"Were you able to reschedule the test?" Kaneki asked, turning a page in his book, sitting next to him.
They didn't have class for the next hour and had taken a lunch break in one of the empty classrooms.
He hadn't thought to bring anything, but he wasn't feeling very hungry.
Hide hooked a thumb at himself. "Me? Of course. I'm the most charming guy in the twentieth ward."
"So charming that his shy loser of a best friend got a date before him," Kaneki said, only a little smug.
Hide opened his mouth to insult him right back, but the words were stuck in his throat. "Yeah..."
Kaneki looked up from his book. "Is that dream still bothering you?"
He stared at the ceiling tiles.
You'll never be Ken Kaneki again after tonight. You'll try to be, but he'll be gone.
"Guess so," he answered. "I've just had the feeling that something bad's gonna happen since this morning, you know?"
Kaneki put a ruler-shaped bookmark in his book and closed it. Hide tilted his head to look at the cover.
Egg of the Black Goat by Sen Takatsuki.
It gave him a headache just looking at that name.
"I won't leave you, Hide. Not if I can help it," Kaneki said, scratching his cheek. "Sorry about earlier. I overreacted. You've always been a better friend to me than I've been to you."
Hide stared at him.
You'll spend so long looking for Ken Kaneki that you'll lose everything else about yourself.
"You're always apologizing," Hide said, waving his hand. "Seriously, how many times have I told you to stop?"
"Sorry—"
Hide took the book from him and whacked his shoulder with it.
"Ow—hey, that's a first edition!"
"I've decided. Every time you apologize I'll whack you with your favorite books. Let's see how badly damaged they can get, eh, Kaneki?"
"That's not funny," Kaneki said, reaching for it.
Hide twisted to keep it out of reach. "Wasn't joking."
"What if I did that to you?"
Hide dropped his elbow on the table and leaned his chin on his palm. "With what? You gonna whack me with pretty ladies, Kaneki?"
"No!"
Kaneki stood over him, trying to keep his limbs still so he could grab the book, and Hide almost fell out of his chair trying to keep it from him.
He was laughing when Kaneki finally, but carefully, yanked it from him.
"Hey, we should go to the arcade later."
Kaneki dusted the book off. "I've got a date, remember? And aren't we getting a little old to go to arcades?"
Hide's mouth felt dry. "Oh yeah." Kaneki just mentioned it, how did he forget?
Ah, right. It was because he'd been having fun.
Give up on your literature degree Ken Kaneki, because you're dead.
Kaneki put down the book and smiled. "I want the same for myself, you know? I know it's selfish, but I hope we stay friends forever, Hide."
Hide dug his nails in his palm. Then he snatched the book and whacked him with it before he could turn around.
"Ow! Ow, ow," Kaneki moaned, trying to reach the spot between his shoulders.
"You're an idiot, Kaneki. Of course we'll stay friends."
"So, what's she like?" Hide asked around a red bean paste bun.
Kaneki lowered his head as if his soda would hide his blush. He hadn't wanted to ruin his appetite by ordering anything else. "You were there when I pointed her out to you."
Hide almost choked. But yeah, 'he' had been. "That's not telling me about her," he protested. "And I only saw her for like five seconds before I left."
Kaneki dropped his head on his arms. "She's... nice," he said, and Hide had to stop chewing to hear him. "We talked a little after you left. She's into the same types of books I am—"
"You talked to her?"
"It was an accident," he said pathetically. "I wasn't paying attention and she—she bumped into me. My book. It was sticking out too far. It fell and she picked it up."
Hide looked away. Every move she'd made was calculated.
"Where are you meeting her again?"
Kaneki lifted his head a little. "It's that bookstore where Takatsuki does her signings. Why?"
"The one downtown?"
"Hide, why? You're not gonna try to steal her, are you? She wouldn't be into a brute like you."
Hide pointed his dessert at him. "That's just rude."
Kaneki sat up. "But seriously. Why?"
Hide looked at him, and then at his red bean paste bun. "I'm just worried about you, that's all. It's been getting scary out here."
Why try to help a dead man walking?
"You're just so fragile, Kaneki."
He didn't mean it as an insult, and Kaneki was too Kaneki to take it as one from him.
He'd never finished :re.
It would be less of a hassle if he stood up, left, and never spoke to Ken Kaneki again.
He didn't want to die a second time.
He could toss his phone, keep his head down, and live quietly. Leave Japan to study abroad. Avoid Germany. Read about the Eyepatch from a college library.
Die alone and mutilated.
"I still can't wrap my head around how monsters like ghouls can blend in with humans like you said," Kaneki said. "But that's what you're thinking, aren't you? About her?"
Hide leaned an arm over the back of his chair and finished the bun. "All I'm saying is to be careful, Kaneki."
He didn't love Kaneki like Hide had. But he'd had a good time.
̶"̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶u̶y̶,̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶?̶"̶
That was—
Kaneki looked at him. "If it makes you feel better, I can come over after. It'll be pretty late though."
—his voice.
Someone was sitting on the table between them.
Hide choked, thumping his fist against his chest and barely keeping himself from spewing his dessert all over the table.
Orange sneakers. Orange backpack. Yellow and black jacket. Green shorts.
Himself.
No, not himself because he wasn't—
̶"̶I̶f̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶d̶i̶d̶n̶'̶t̶,̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶s̶p̶e̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶d̶a̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶,̶"̶ Hide grinned and gave him a thumbs up. ̶"̶H̶i̶d̶e̶ ̶N̶a̶g̶a̶c̶h̶i̶k̶a̶.̶ ̶N̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶e̶e̶t̶c̶h̶a̶.̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶l̶r̶e̶a̶d̶y̶ ̶k̶n̶e̶w̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶.̶"̶
"Hide? Hey, you okay?"
He gripped the table, looking at Hide, through Hide, at Kaneki.
Hide hooked a thumb behind him. ̶"̶S̶e̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶d̶a̶t̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶t̶a̶l̶k̶.̶ ̶H̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶y̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶r̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶f̶r̶e̶a̶k̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶,̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶?̶"̶
"You spaced out," Kaneki said, frowning. "You're starting to really worry me. Is it really just the nightmare?"
He made himself let go of the table. "My turn to say sorry. Good thing your book is in your bag, right?" he said. "I'm having the worst day. I never should've gotten out of bed. The test was easy, but not worth the trouble."
He—Hide was majoring in foreign language studies, specifically English. The only way he wouldn't pass was if he'd forgotten how to speak it.
Hide shook his head. ̶"̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶s̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶I̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶d̶i̶s̶a̶p̶p̶e̶a̶r̶e̶d̶.̶"̶
"Think I'll have another bun before I head to work," he said, having no idea where Hide worked. "You should stay a little longer, Kaneki. I wasn't done asking you about her. Like what's she plan on wearing, huh?"
Kaneki went red. "That's enough," he spluttered, standing fast. "I'll come over later, okay? But until then, keep your questions to yourself."
"But what if she asks you back to her place—"
"That won't happen," Kaneki said, loud enough that the table next to theirs shot them discreet looks. He went even redder. "I'll see you later, Hide." He pushed away from the table and hurried to escape the bakery.
He took a breath and faced Hide.
Hide leaned against the wall on top of the table, hands behind his head. ̶"̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶l̶i̶f̶e̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶r̶t̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶u̶c̶k̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶f̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶d̶a̶y̶.̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶a̶d̶?̶ ̶W̶e̶l̶l̶,̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶s̶a̶d̶d̶e̶r̶,̶ ̶b̶e̶c̶a̶u̶s̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶I̶'̶d̶ ̶s̶t̶i̶l̶l̶ ̶g̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶.̶"̶
He opened his mouth and what came out was— "I hate your crayon-colored hair."
Hide looked at him. ̶"̶T̶h̶a̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶ ̶m̶e̶a̶n̶.̶ ̶I̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶m̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶n̶a̶t̶u̶r̶a̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶.̶"̶
What?
̶"̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶r̶i̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶r̶e̶m̶e̶m̶b̶e̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶t̶h̶.̶ ̶J̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶i̶t̶t̶l̶e̶.̶ ̶I̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶e̶n̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶d̶ ̶p̶i̶c̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶e̶d̶,̶"̶ he said. ̶"̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶b̶l̶a̶m̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶,̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶.̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶k̶n̶e̶w̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶d̶ ̶k̶i̶l̶l̶e̶d̶ ̶m̶e̶.̶"̶
He crossed his arms on the table and buried his head in them. "This is seriously messed up."
" ̶"̶Y̶e̶a̶h̶.̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶w̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶H̶a̶i̶s̶e̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶e̶r̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶f̶i̶g̶h̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶b̶o̶d̶y̶.̶ ̶A̶s̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶m̶e̶e̶t̶ ̶c̶e̶r̶t̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶d̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶s̶.̶"̶
"Ah, yeah," he said. "Let it go. One way or another, he'll go on that date."
Hide was silent for so long that he looked up and saw that his eyes were closed. ̶"̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶.̶ ̶A̶n̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶h̶o̶n̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶s̶e̶l̶f̶.̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶w̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶r̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶w̶a̶r̶n̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶.̶ ̶D̶o̶e̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶l̶i̶e̶v̶e̶ ̶g̶h̶o̶u̶l̶s̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶b̶l̶e̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶h̶u̶m̶a̶n̶s̶.̶ ̶W̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶o̶n̶e̶h̶e̶a̶d̶.̶ ̶W̶h̶y̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶I̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶s̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶g̶u̶y̶?̶"̶
The only way you can be happy from here on out is to dream of being someone else, Ken Kaneki.
"If you want a fight, then let's have it. Because I want don't want to die again," he mumbled into his arm.
Hide slumped down on the table. ̶"̶Y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶b̶b̶o̶r̶n̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶i̶s̶,̶ ̶I̶ ̶s̶w̶e̶a̶r̶.̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶I̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶v̶i̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶m̶a̶d̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶t̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶o̶p̶e̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶n̶t̶ ̶d̶o̶o̶r̶.̶ ̶I̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶.̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶s̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶a̶g̶r̶e̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶e̶r̶v̶e̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶.̶"̶
If only you'd died, Ken Kaneki.
̶"̶I̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶e̶a̶s̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶w̶e̶n̶t̶i̶e̶t̶h̶ ̶w̶a̶r̶d̶,̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶J̶a̶p̶a̶n̶,̶"̶ Hide said. ̶"̶T̶h̶e̶r̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶ ̶p̶a̶p̶e̶r̶w̶o̶r̶k̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶e̶s̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶h̶e̶l̶p̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶g̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶.̶ ̶I̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶g̶h̶o̶u̶l̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶p̶a̶s̶s̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶d̶a̶m̶n̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶ ̶h̶u̶m̶a̶n̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶e̶i̶t̶h̶e̶r̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶'̶v̶e̶ ̶g̶i̶v̶e̶n̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶a̶n̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶s̶h̶o̶t̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶ ̶m̶i̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶d̶e̶a̶d̶.̶"̶
He lifted his head enough to look at him. "You tried?"
Hide sat up. He gave a quick glance at a couple that had moved a few tables away from him. They politely kept their backs to him—them? ̶"̶I̶ ̶m̶a̶j̶o̶r̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶e̶i̶g̶n̶ ̶l̶a̶n̶g̶u̶a̶g̶e̶s̶.̶ ̶O̶f̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶r̶s̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶t̶r̶i̶e̶d̶,̶"̶ he said. ̶"̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶d̶y̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶U̶K̶.̶ ̶B̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶r̶n̶ ̶E̶n̶g̶l̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶u̶r̶r̶o̶u̶n̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶i̶t̶,̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶?̶ ̶S̶t̶u̶d̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶o̶k̶a̶y̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶I̶'̶m̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶u̶l̶l̶ ̶e̶x̶p̶e̶r̶i̶e̶n̶c̶e̶.̶ ̶B̶e̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶y̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶r̶o̶p̶p̶e̶d̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶n̶d̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶s̶k̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶g̶o̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶e̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶m̶e̶a̶n̶,̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶d̶y̶ ̶l̶i̶t̶e̶r̶a̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶w̶h̶e̶r̶e̶,̶ ̶r̶i̶g̶h̶t̶?̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶c̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶a̶n̶n̶o̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶g̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶u̶p̶.̶ ̶N̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶l̶d̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶c̶c̶e̶p̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶n̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶c̶o̶l̶l̶e̶g̶e̶.̶"̶
He propped his chin on his hand and said nothing.
Hide crossed his legs and grinned at him. ̶"̶K̶e̶n̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶s̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶h̶a̶p̶p̶e̶n̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶m̶e̶.̶ ̶B̶u̶t̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶g̶e̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶I̶ ̶f̶e̶e̶l̶.̶ ̶W̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶l̶i̶n̶e̶?̶"̶
Because he—
̶"̶I̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶w̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶s̶a̶i̶d̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶f̶i̶g̶h̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶w̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶r̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶—̶"̶ Hide looked at him. ̶"̶I̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶c̶r̶o̶w̶.̶ ̶S̶o̶r̶r̶y̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶a̶n̶ ̶m̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶c̶h̶o̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶m̶o̶r̶e̶.̶"̶
—loved him.
̶"̶I̶'̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶a̶k̶e̶ ̶u̶s̶ ̶b̶o̶t̶h̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶f̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶r̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶t̶o̶p̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶,̶"̶ Hide said, smiling at him. ̶"̶A̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶s̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶,̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶n̶c̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶y̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶l̶i̶v̶e̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶a̶ ̶f̶u̶l̶l̶ ̶f̶a̶c̶e̶.̶ ̶M̶e̶e̶t̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶d̶i̶t̶i̶o̶n̶s̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶m̶i̶n̶d̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶.̶"̶
I'm cursed.
He sighed and shoved away from the table. "You are a walking tragedy, Hideyoshi Nagachika." He pulled out his phone after he'd left, fumbled to navigate to the texting screen, and typed, you can't threaten me, Hide. not when killing your body would leave Kaneki alone.
Hide leaned over his arm to read it and laughed. ̶"̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶ ̶e̶n̶d̶s̶ ̶u̶p̶ ̶a̶l̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶.̶"̶
He paused. He turned off the phone. "I hope you die, Hideyoshi Nagachika."
̶"̶I̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶a̶m̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶r̶y̶.̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶m̶y̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶u̶l̶d̶.̶"̶
He'd end up just like Haise. A nice dream.
"No, you're not."
He hated that if Hide hadn't thought his doubts would win, he might've chosen to do this himself.
He crouched behind a wall and peeked around it to watch Kaneki walk Rize Kamishiro home.
Knowing you're part of a tragedy and doing nothing to stop it is just masochism.
He did think Kaneki deserved better.
He wished he'd finished brushing his teeth.
He'd followed them from the bookstore and stayed as far back as he could be without losing them. He knew her sense of smell was good, but not how good.
Wasn't like he could look into it.
He watched Kaneki pull a book from his bag and hold it out to her. He heard her gasp, but not what she said as she accepted it from him.
It had to be him or Kaneki. If not, it would be someone else. And he'd have to live in this world with that aftermath.
He could taste his own breath beneath the smiley half-mask.
Here's hoping the CCG develops a quinque to kill ghosts, Hideyoshi Nagachika.
""̶N̶o̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶s̶u̶s̶p̶i̶c̶i̶o̶u̶s̶ ̶a̶b̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶c̶o̶n̶s̶t̶r̶u̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶s̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶w̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶,̶ ̶h̶u̶h̶,̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶e̶k̶i̶?̶"̶ Hide asked, shading his eyes as he looked up at the beams. "̶H̶e̶'̶s̶ ̶s̶e̶r̶i̶o̶u̶s̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶o̶p̶e̶l̶e̶s̶s̶.̶"̶
He made a rude gesture at Hide to shut up and crossed the street to sneak around a chain-link fence.
He gripped his red hood to keep his hands from shaking too badly.
He wanted to wake up. But if he wouldn't, he'd find his own way to live.
He kept following the fence as Rize stopped. He reached the end as Kaneki tumbled back, screaming, and blood splashed the street between them.
Hide winced. ̶"̶I̶ ̶w̶i̶s̶h̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶'̶d̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶t̶e̶n̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶w̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶ ̶b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶.̶"̶
He made another rude gesture at him. It made him feel a little less scared.
"There's a scene in The Black Goat that I've always wanted to try out," Rize said silkily, pulling the bow out of her hair. "We talked about it before, remember? The one where the man tries running away from the serial killer?"
Kaneki pushed himself back as she walked leisurely towards him.
"I've always wanted to reenact it," she said, looking at him with red and black eyes. "So excite me, Kaneki!"
Kaneki scrambled up and ran as pulsing tentacles curled in the air around her.
Hide pulled his headphones over his ears and closed his eyes.
Rize licked blood off her chin and laughed. "Yes! Just like that, Kaneki!"
"Help!" he screamed. "Someone—"
A tentacle wound around his ankle and yanked.
Rize forced him onto his back and stood over him, giggling. "Caught you," she said sweetly, leaning down. "You've never felt a ghoul's claws, have you Kaneki? Just relax, okay? I'll keep you alive so you can see your pretty insides—"
Kaneki threw a handful of dirt at her and pushed himself up, slipping a little as he scrambled away.
Hide turned his back to them.
He darted out into the open.
Here's what Kaneki saw.
A hand on his shoulder out of nowhere, his injured shoulder, pushing, shoving him to the side, and then a loud wet squelch. A choked guh behind him as he hit the ground and slid into the wall—
"Oh? So, our stalker finally shows himself, hm?" Rize asked. "So sweet. Very noble of you. How nice of you to provide me with a two-course meal."
Kaneki looked back, it burns, his shoulder hurt so much, and his breath caught.
He saw shocked eyes as—as Hide stumbled and collapsed, like he hadn't expected it to hurt so much.
"Hide?" Kaneki whispered. No, no, no, not Hide. he knew. he'd followed them—
Rize covered her mouth. "Oh my. Look at that expression. Now I have to eat him first."
"One thing," Hide said weakly, coughing blood. "It's my last request. Can I tell you my name?"
Kaneki's legs shook. He needed to go over there, needed to get Hide and drag him away from her, needed to move. Instead, he watched her slowly approach his best friend.
Hide curled on his side. "Ah, man. This hurts so bad."
She tilted her head. "Hm? Why would I want to know something like that?"
Kaneki saw Hide's bloody smile, the smile that had so often assured him that everything was okay, and felt himself unconsciously relax.
"It's Hideyoshi Nagachika," he said anyway.
Rize looked up and—
Kaneki raised his hands against the clouds of sudden wind and dust and when he forced his eyes open—
Steel beams had fallen from the sky.
He saw Rize's upper body, saw her choking on the blood coming from her mouth, mouthing, why, why, why.
He saw Hide's head and arm sticking out from beneath a beam, but he wasn't moving.
Kaneki screamed.
A/N: FFN doesn't like strikethrough text, but I did my best. You can find me on AO3 at LuminousLantern, if you don't want to wait for me to fight the formatting. But the rest will be uploaded here. Eventually.