A/N: Hi, it's been a while. How are you doing? I hope well, I hope you've been taking care of yourself.
Been in a rut so I whipped this up real-fast. This was initally a writing exercise exploring the Spirit's sense of self in a 'Atem Stays' post-canon AU-verse, but after writing for so long it kinda escaped me and went to places I didn't imagine it would go. So while I have my initial thoughts, the final result became something completely different.
I mean, I'm happy enough about this, I guess. No editing at all, because it's late and why not keep the raw bits in. Even if they don't make the most sense.
As usual, Yugioh belongs to Kazuki Takahashi an Konami. Rest in power, my man.
Throughout his lifetime, he has been given all kinds of names. Atem. Pharaoh. Spirit. Yami.
They exist in his mind, all correct, yet not a single truly correct.
He doesn't know how to describe it, when Yuugi asks him one day. What do we call you now? He says with gentle eyes. He looks at him, and says, I do not know.
He is grateful for Yuugi. His partner, always soft and kind. He reassures him that there's no need to rush about it, that Kaiba and Ishizu will help keep things on the low until he decides on something. Then he grabs his hand and tells him to try burgers, and make his own order, for the very first time.
But the quiet pressure of finding a name sticks with him. Who is he?
If pressed, he could say Atem. Atem was the name he had been looking for, after all. It was the key that kept everything together. Without Atem, his memories would be lost. Without Atem, Zorc would have won and destroyed his kingdom, and later his new home. But if asked to answer without Atem, he could.
Because he could say Yami with just as much ease, and be completely unbothered by it.
Yami was the King of Games. He shares this title with his dear partner. He used to like playing Shadow Games. Always life-threatening, always dangerous, and as he now knows it, far beyond the extent of what Atem, Pharoah of Egypt, would have done. But he is also fractured.
Pieces of himself sealed behind years of madness and loneliness. Uncovered bit by bit through the humanity of Yuugi and their friends. He went through that. He was, and in a way, is Yami. Both are equal in representing who he is in this regard.
However, he must pick one. And who should that be?
One…? One who? How could he when both names so clearly elipsed his sense of self? He is Atem. He is also Yami. His soul was once whole, then broken, then whole again.
Yet the piece that has been made whole, will never be the same as it was before.
He considers it for a moment. Atem… was whole. A full person. Born with a head, a heart, and a soul. He was sharp, he liked hiding in pots, and he liked sneaking out, to see the people he'd someday protect. But he was also kind. Just. Powerful. Loved deeply, despite only ruling a few short years.
But then Zorc came and Atem could no longer stay whole. To stay whole would set the monster free. So he ripped himself apart. Destroyed his very self and torn it to shreds.
He would live on to become Yami. Yami was missing parts. He had a head, he had a heart, but they were made from sewn-on patterns and patchy magic. Insanity had clung in his eyes, blood-red as his hair, and remains, even now, though never to the extent it once did years ago.
And now, he stands as… someone. A person who has been through both, and lived to tell the tale.
Because against all odds, he managed to live.
One time, after thinking of it for too long, he asks his friends how he's managed to live. After they got their joke responses out of the way, they realized he was being serious.
"Well, 'cause ya beat the bad guy, right?" Says Jounouchi. "You managed to win and ya got your life back as a reward. And like, honestly, why you thinkin' so hard about it anyway? Just be happy that you're here!"
"And for once he isn't shoving his foot in his mouth." Honda agrees with a grin. "I mean, seriously, you gave your life to save us! So it's obvious you'd get rearded. Just enjoy the time while you can!"
"And you deserve the reward." Anzu finishes, her eyes soft. "You, Your life… You went through so much, Atem."
You went through so much.
And that perhaps, is the crux of it.
He… He did. He went through life. Hell and Heaven and whatever lies in-between. Life – regardless if it was the Pharoah's or the Spirits – would always hold strife. People have gotten hurt, died… But people were saved too, with not too little of an effort.
In the end of it all, he comes to a single conclusion. And tells it his partner one morning, the final day before Kaiba needed to submit his documents.
"I want to keep them both."
Yuugi perks up. "Oh?"
"Yes, well, you see – they are both me." He, Atem, Yami, starts. "I lived both lives, enjoyed and suffered through both of them. So, it's only natural to keep them both, right?"
Yuugi nods. "Of course, I mean- I assumed that's what you wanted from the start."
"Yes… and no." He admits, tilting his head sheepishly.
His partner's face changes to confusion.
"You see, I say they are both me." He states. "And that is true. Nothing will ever change what happened to me.
But, sometimes, I think of Atem as a Pharoah from Egypt. A strong ruler whose reign was cut too short. In those times, I don't see him as me, I see him as who I once was. The experiences I have now have changed me too much for me to consider him so closely as 'Me'.
Other times, I think of Yami too, as the Spirit of the Puzzle. He's strong too, sometimes too strong. In the beginning he hurts people as much as he helps them, but after meeting all of you, he learned to reign in his temper and transform his rage into something better. Something that would always help people. In that sense, he often feels more like 'Me' than Atem does. But without Atem, his memories, and his goal, Yami turns into nothing.
So, in a way, I can say that they're both me. But other times, I would say no, I'm Atem. Or maybe no, I'm Yami. It's either both, or one of the other. Does…" He looks away, suddenly flustered. He realizes that speaking so much may have amounted to gibberish with how vague he was. "Does that make sense?"
His partner stares at him, clearly mulling through the words. Eventually he neither nods nor shakes his head, but smiles instead. He takes the other's hands in his own and says,
"Sooo, basically you want to be both? But be referred to as one or the other?"
"... mm, yes. Something like that." He replies softly.
"Alright. Then that's what I'll tell Kaiba."
"Do you think he'd accept that?"
"Bah, we shouldn't care about that. It's your identity, not his." Yuugi grins. "And if he doesn't get it, we'll just never duel him again."
"Yuugi!" He smacks him playfully. "And here I thought I was the mean one."
As Yuugi laughs, Yami lets the words settle into his skull.
Why not both?
Yes, Atem agrees, leaning into his partner's arms. Why not indeed.