Hey. These are just going to be random stories in my head about random things I think about regarding the Naruto universe. I tend to write comedy, so expect most of these stories to be on the humorous side. These are also all going to be one-offs, so expect little to no continuity between them.

I'll try to update every Sunday or so, with other updates happening as I feel the need. Thank you.

Tales of the Elemental Nations

Chapter 1:

Two Terrorists Walk Into A Soup Store

What does one do when a terrorist walks into their shop?

It was an odd question, and one that Kozuki never thought that he would have to ask. It was also one that he asked silently, in the relatively safe comforts of his own head, because there was no way he was asking that out loud with a terrorist standing in front of him.

"'H-how may I help you today?" Kozuki asked. His voice was shaking, but that was to be expected, wasn't it? It wasn't as if Itachi Uchiha was low on the recognizability scale. There were, what, two people in the entire world with jet black hair, pale skin, and scarlet red eyes. One of them, of course, was currently a child and likely still in school. The other one was nearly six feet tall and standing in his fucking shop.

The kinslayer, of course, didn't answer right away. He wasn't even looking at Kozuki. Rather, his attention was focused on the giant menu he had posted right above his head. At its essence, Kozuki ran a noodle shop. There were quite a few different items on the menu, but they were all basically small variants of the same bowl of noodles.

He was one of like four food choices in their small town, after all. If they were a big village, like Konoha, he would look into diversifying. But at the end of the day there weren't many travelers that came through here and the ones that did couldn't afford to be picky. Most travelers were merchants who brought their own food or people from other small villages who were amazed by any new things at all.

But Itachi Uchiha wasn't either of those things. Itachi Uchiha was a missing ninja from one of the biggest and most successful Hidden Villages in the world. Why he would need to spend so much time picking from different variations of the same order, or better yet, why a criminal like him was here at all, was beyond Kozuki.

"I think I'll take the miso ramen," the serial killer eventually said. Was that the right term for him? A serial killer? Did familicide count towards being qualified for serial killer status? "If at all possible, I would like it to be a little less salty, please."

Kozuki wrote down his order. Kozuki wrote down his specifications. He didn't usually do either, since there were rarely more than two people in his shop and he could easily remember two orders. But something told him that he didn't want to mess up the madman's order.

"And… and is there anything I could get your friend?"

The gigantic blue man with gills of all things standing beside the famous murderer smiled. He smiled. Kozuki already knew that he didn't like the man. It was bad enough that he was travelling with the Itachi Uchiha. It was made all the worse that the man had the comfort of mind to smile around him.

"I'll just take some water, thanks."

Kozuki started. That was… a surprisingly normal order, actually. "Would you like it sparkling, still, or…"

"Salt."

"Excuse me?"

"I would like my water salty, if possible. If you can, I would like it directly from the sea."

Kozuki blinked as he stared at the fish man. "From the… we're in Fire Country. In the middle of Fire Country. There's no possible way that I would have seawater on hand."

The giant blue fish man clicked his tongue. He didn't appear upset. Rather, he seemed genuinely disappointed. As if he expected Kozuki to actually be carrying seawater for whatever reason.

"I could… add some table salt to a normal glass of water, if that's okay?"

The fish man didn't seem completely mollified, but his expression seemed a little better than before. He nodded, then made his way over to one of the tables and sat down. That was good, because Kozuki was pretty sure that the man was also a missing ninja. If the imposing size didn't give it away, it was the giant, bandaged sword on the man's back.

Of course, things weren't immediately better. Kozuki still had the issue of Itachi Uchiha in his shop.

"Do you have boiled eggs?" Itachi asked. His red eyes, to Kozuki's pleasure, hadn't left the sign since he walked in. Kozuki wasn't entirely sure what those cursed red eyes did, but he knew enough. The only thing to come about from being on the other side of those eyes was death. And Kozuki, not being a ninja, knew that he wouldn't be able to do much about that. "I would like one with my soup."

He did have a few eggs, but they were usually for his breakfast. There were a few farms around the area that had chickens, but they were usually sticky with their eggs. He had to pay a little more than he liked for them, so he typically didn't include them with the food unless the customer was willing to pay a premium.

Somehow he didn't think he would get away with forcing Itachi Uchiha to pay out his ass for eggs.

Come to think of it, were these people even paying at all?

"W-we do have eggs, yes," he said. He was tempted to lie, but he also wasn't sure whether one of the abilities of the Sharingan was to detect lies. It was probably better just to tell the truth. "It'll take a little bit to boil them, though."

"That's fine," the kinslayer said, eyes still on the menu. "I am willing to wait. Oh, and I'm willing to pay extra for the inconvenience."

Kozuki sighed. Well, that was a relief.

"I'm going to need eight orders of that, however. Oh, and do you have any pork to put in?"

"The boss man doesn't like pork!" the blue man yelled from the table. Kozuki almost started. So he was listening?

"I know," the Uchiha said. Kozuki couldn't be certain, but he could almost see a small smile gracing the porcelain lips of the criminal before him. "That's the point."

There was something going on there. Something secret that he wasn't in on. Considering the nature of the people sharing the inside joke, it was probably illegal, so Kozuki resolved that he didn't care to know.

"So eight orders of miso soup with noodles, egg, and one cup of salt water. Am I right?"

Itachi Uchiha nodded, then pulled a wallet of all things from his black robe. He fished through it for a few seconds, then pulled out more money than Kozuki had ever seen in his entire life. The stack of bills in his hand was almost as thick as Kozuki's arm, leading him to wonder how the hell he fit all of that in his pocket, let alone the wallet.

"Is this enough?" the pale man asked, brazenly handing Kozuki the entire stack.

And then, against all odds, this was where Kozuki's mind shut off.

"Are you stupid?"

This was probably not the best words to say to the person who murdered an entire platoon of soldiers from one of the major powers of the world by himself, but he couldn't help it. The sheer absurdity of the offer just made to him was too overwhelming.

To his credit, the Uchiha looked genuinely embarrassed. It was to his credit because Kozuki expected the man to murder him on the spot.

"My apologies," the man said. And wasn't it an amazing situation that he was being apologized to by an international criminal. "I've… never been good with finances. I've succeeded at everything else, but money and all things concerned with it were left to other members of my family…"

A traitorous thought entered Kozuki's mind. One that lamented about how sad it was that those members of his family weren't here to help the poor Uchiha heir. Wonder whose fault that was?

"I… uh…" Kozuki tried to backtrack. He wasn't dead, so maybe things were still going on a track where he lived to see the next day? "It's perfectly fine, Uchiha-san. I… if it's not too much trouble, of course, could just divvy the money up for you?"

A few seconds passed and his head was still attached to his head, so Kozuki could only assume that it was okay. Itachi continued to mull over the situation for a few seconds before handing over the entire stack of cash.

"If you can't trust the people who make your food, who can you trust?" the man asked, apparently pleased with his hypothetical.

Kozuki was overcome with an incredible feeling. One where he was feeling sympathetic for a person who could wipe his village off the face of the earth with a thought.

He took the stack of money anyway. It felt surprisingly heavy in his hands. "So, this is far more money than you would need to pay for this."

"Is it?" Itachi asked. "My apologies, I'm not exactly knowledgeable about the proper prices for things as of yet. It is a failing that I plan to correct as soon as possible, but until then I'm going to need some assistance."

Kozuki was taken aback by the aristocratic politeness of the man, but he supposed that it was the norm for someone from a big city.

"Ah, yes. Of course. Well, this is a smaller village, so we don't usually charge too much." He parted the absolute brick of money he was holding. It was eight orders of food, with a rare commodity, so the man's order was admittedly more expensive than he usually charged, but not enough to require the entire stack of bills. It was likely a combination of different bills at that, so he took a smaller portion.

It was then that he noticed that there were no smaller bills in the stack. Itachi Uchiha, mass murderer and one of the most wanted ninjas in all of Fire Country, was walking around with a small fortune in his pocket.

"I…" Kozuki stuttered. "I…"

"Is that enough?" Itachi Uchiha, kinslayer, asked. The man's eyebrows quirked, as if he were simply curious about what was going on. "I'm not sure that's enough. I assure you that we aren't hurting for money. You don't have to give us a discount."

Kozuki stared at the criminal with wide eyes. Was the man being serious? Was this a test? Three bills from this stack were more than enough to pay for their entire meal. In fact, he was likely to need to give the man change back. There was no way that he was being serious.

"I'm… uh… no. It's fine," Kozuki said. He took three bills from the stack and decided to forego the change. He could accept it as a tip. "This is more than enough for my services today."

He handed the rest of the stack back. Itachi Uchiha looked at it as if it were poison.

"Is this a joke?" he asked.

The air in the room seemed to cool. Kozuki shivered as the red eyes in the Uchiha's eyes spun.

"I'm sorry?" he asked.

Rather than respond with words, the Uchiha braced both hands on the desk between them. The wood cracked under the pressure, forcing a rise out of Kozuki.

"I will not be insulted in this way," the missing ninja said, his words barely making it through his grit teeth. The black tomoe spun wildly in his scarlet red eyes, causing the hairs all over Kozuki's body to stand straight up. "I am an Uchiha. And a proud one at that. Did you think you could dupe me? To play me for a fool?"

"N-no," he stammered. His started to hyperventilate. He could feel his heart working its hardest to beat straight out of his chest. "I would never, Mr. Uchiha sir! I-I was just…"

"Quiet," the man whispered. It might as well have been a cannon. "I know what you were trying to do."

Kozuki felt like he could have fainted on the spot. Was it all a ruse? It had to be. There was no way that the Uchiha heir didn't know how to handle money. It was all a trick to get him to take more than enough, and he had fallen for it. This was it. Kozuki's life was over, and it was all for a small tip.

The Uchiha reached over the counter, his calloused hand reaching for Kozuki's neck. Just as his his fingers were about to wrap around the young man's throat, however…

... the destination changed. Itachi reached down to the stack of bills that Kozuki had tried to push back over the counter and fished a few more bills out.

"I am not a beggar or some kind of con," he said. His anger was palpable enough to thicken the air. "I will not suffer pity from a civilian of all things. Just because I'm no longer a part of a Hidden Village does not mean that I will allow someone to give me charity. You will take the proper payment for your food and I will hear no more of it."

And then, with all the grace of an angered man, the kinslayer slammed nearly a quarter of his money on the counter before snatching the rest. He sauntered over to where his blue friend was sitting and collapsed in a chair.

Kozuki, still out of it, could almost feel the man's pout.

"Was… was that real?" Kozuki asked, though he was sure that he would never know the answer. He closed his eyes and counted backwards from ten, making sure to take his time so that his heart rate could return to normal. Once he was sure that it was, he opened his eyes once more and swiftly turned around. He slipped his apron on and took another deep breath.

Then he got to work on eight miso soups with extra noodles, egg, and a single cup of water with salt.