(Cue plucky intro music)
MAGGIE: I don't want to be afraid of being alive.
MICHONNE: We're the ones who live.
CAROL: I don't know what the hell is going on in the most wonderful way!
Title Card:The Real Housewives of Alexandria
SCENE 1: Maggie – Hilltop
(Maggie bounces a cooing baby Hershel on her hip as see oversees a big family table dressed with a cream colored tablecloth.)
(Jesus emerges with two wine bottles.)
JESUS: Just found some Sauvignon Blanc.
MAGGIE: (examining the bottles) Wow, you really can turn water into wine!
(They both politely laugh.)
(Maggie puts Hershel in a playpen as she does a voice over. We then see her talking head.)
MAGGIE (Talking Head): Tonight I'm hosting a dinner party with the leaders of Alexandria, Sanctuary and Hilltop. I want to get to the bottom of a couple issues. (pause) Oh, I'm Hilltop by the way. Really proud of it.
(Knock on the door. Maggie opens to see Carol and Daryl.)
MAGGIE: (giving them a hug) Aw, you two arrived together! Where's the King?
CAROL: (walking in, wearing a big smile and carrying a casserole dish) He couldn't make it. I'll explain when everyone else shows up. Tuna noodle?
CAROL (Talking Head): Yeah, Ezekiel tried to propose to me, I had to shut that shit down.
(Black and white flashback to Carol and Ezekiel on horseback sharing adoring glances).
CAROL (TH): It's not that I don't love that guy, I do. But he just had a near death experience at the museum—
(Black and white clip of Ezekiel fighting for his life trying to escape a sea of walkers below him.)
CAROL (TH): --plus he just wants to pop the question where our horses were pooping twenty feet away?
DARYL: (seated at the table) Is Rick coming over?
(Maggie nods.)
(Daryl rolls his eyes and looks at Carol.)
CAROL: Well, he does lead Alexandria, Pookie. This dinner would make sense.
DARYL: Doesn't mean I want to see him and his gross beard.
CAROL: But Pookie, your hair.
DARYL:Myhair?!
Another knock on the door. Maggie walks over.)
CAROL (TH): Daryl had a falling out with Rick ever since he took Negan to jail instead of killing him. I'll put it to you like this: if Rick was lost, Daryl would track him (sighs) but he would take his time.
(Maggie opens the door to see Rick and Michonne. Michonne is carrying a tote bag and hands it over. They hug.)
MICHONNE: (big smile, as if trying to hard sell a regifted item) This is for you! Fresh from Alexandria!
MAGGIE: (opens the bag and pulls out a small ear of corn, is annoyed) That's definitely…a vegetable.
MAGGIE (TH): I'm a farm girl. I know that they know that. Hello?!
(Cut to images of Hilltops vibrant and burgeoning corn field and crops)
MICHONNE: Maggie, what if there is a written doctrine throughout the communities? We can include things that would prevent awkward moments like this, you know, like what are the appropriate gifts and customs?
MAGGIE: (scrunches up her nose) Its no big deal, Michonne. I can throw this in the prisoner's cage tonight.
MICHONNE (Talking Head): (shaking her head and shrugging) I told Rick to maybe gift more bullets. But…uh…we were running out of time.
(Cut to a black and white flashback of Michonne, out of breath, in bed two days prior with a large lump under the covers at the bottom half. All of the sudden Rick's face pops up from under the blanket.)
RICK: Who is in the prisoner's cell?
MAGGIE: Our blacksmith and Gregory. They attacked me and Enid last night. I will give them payback. Sooner rather than later.
(Michonne and Rick share concerned looks and are seated at the table. Rick is across from Daryl. A genuine smile is on Rick's face.)
RICK: Hey, brother. Good to see you again. I tried to see you over there but I heard you were busy. Nice to hear you possibly making big moves.
DARYL: (scoffs and shakes his side swept bangs out of his eyes) Nice haircut.
MAGGIE (TH): I'm not saying Rick doesn't look like less of a daddy with his new 'do but…it does take some getting used to.
CAROL (TH): Its…fine. Makes me wonder what Michonne grabs onto when he's going down on her though.
MICHONNE: (gazes and smiles at Rick next to her) It brings out his cheekbones.
MICHONNE (TH): Not my favorite.
MAGGIE: So, all of you guys just came from the Sanctuary, but you came over here separately? Rick and Michonne how was your stay?
MICHONNE: We stayed in Negan's old room. It was…fulfilling.
CAROL: (with the seriousness of an evening news anchor) Tell me how fulfilling. Was it fulfilling on top or fulfilling doggy style or --
(DARYL clangs his fork on his plate, disgustedly.)
CAROL: What?
CAROL (TH): Let's be honest. We've seen some repugnant foreplay scenes from the Housewives franchise (Cut to Ashley and Michael Darby from Potomac, cut to Whitney Rose and Justin from Salt Lake City) but this is one couple where we would actually like to see the real sex, ok? I'm not speaking out of school here.
DARYL: Speaking of Negan, yeah, I don't want to live in the Sanctuary anymore. Carol is going to take charge for now.
RICK: (raising an eyebrow) Really?
(Carol gives a single head nod. Rick does a nod back.)
MICHONNE: Carol, imagine this during your stay. Picture it, Northern Virginia, year of our walkers, whatever year this is. Fresh on your doorstep, delivered to you, is a thorough yet concise guideline overseeing our joined settlements. What is something you want to put in there?
CAROL: The right age to teach these kids self defense. I'd do it before they were potty trained if their darn motor skills weren't under developed!
CAROL (TH): Rick and I have developed an understanding over the years. He has one side of his street and I have the other.
MICHONNE (TH): Yeeeeeah I just think Rick's happy enough that at least she isn't going to run away again.
MICHONNE: Is everything OK with Ezekiel?
CAROL: Oh yeah, we're on a break. Not like a Ross and Rachel break. I'm just sick of him asking me to marry him every time he slays a walker or he sees Jerry and Nabila holding hands.
MICHONNE: Every…time? Actually asking you the question? (tilts her head at Rick).
MICHONNE (TH): (cackling) I'm just giving him shit. The sex and companionship is so good that I don't care. Though in an ideal world I would like to have our declaration of love in an official government document. (gasps) The charter!
RICK: (clearing his throat and quickly changing the subject) But Daryl, where are you going to live?
DARYL: With Maggie for right now.
MAGGIE: (shocked) This is news to me!
(She sees Daryl wink at her and mouth the name "Negan")
MAGGIE: (continues)—but I humbly accept your company!
RICK: Hey. I saw that. What are you planning?
DARYL: Nothing. I just know she and I have a common interest. Carol too, right?
CAROL: Not on this one. Nope. (She crosses her arms in an X in front of her face, repeats her talking head to the dinner party.) Rick has one side of his street and I have the other. I've got my own drama to deal with.
DARYL: This is why I'm moving out. While Negan is still alive, there will always be drama.
RICK: (softly) You're creating the drama.
DARYL: What'd you just say to me?
RICK: (after glancing at Michonne). I said, you are creating the drama.
DARYL: Then why did you put me in charge of a place where I was tortured for weeks? Where I am looking at and negotiating with people who stood by while I was being led around by some loser in a leather jacket and some blonde double crossing rat who would turn out to be ok (pause) I guess?
RICK: I wanted you to feel empowered. You're back at the place where they once tormented you and now you're the one calling the shots.
DARYL: That wasn't your call to make. This sounds like some leadership shit. I am not like you or Maggie or Michonne—
MICHONNE: Daryl that's not fair. I'm just a modest, ordinary looking woman who wants to write modest, ordinary looking legislation—
RICK: (gently) Michonne you can't say that right now. Your skin is perfect and glowing.
MAGGIE: I'll be honest. I'm not interested in a charter right now, all due respect. And I'm not interested in talking about Negan, actually, or a recap of what he's done. I'm trying to enjoy a tuna noodle casserole. I don't even want to think about him. (shudders). Now, Rick, do you have anything not related to these two things that you want to bring up?
RICK: (after taking a deep breath) I need your help fixing the bridge. Hilltop's thriving because of you. This place is doing better than anywhere else, and you've been generous. Hilltop's given so much already, but I'm asking for more.
MAGGIE: (gritting her teeth) What?
MICHONNE: (squeezing his knee) Rick, honey, this was your way to go about it?
RICK: (determined) Sanctuary's still short on food, and a project like this is gonna take a lot of people and supplies. I'm asking if you'll be generous again, if you'll stretch.
(Maggie looks at Daryl who gives no expression indicating if she consider the ask.)
MAGGIE: If my people want to work on the bridge, I won't stop them. But no more food and supplies without getting something back for it.
RICK: What do you want?
MAGGIE: If the Sanctuary needs food, I'll give it to 'em. But... they provide most of the labor on the bridge for us. And they send over all the fuel they've been making from their dead corn.
RICK: S-Sanctuary's barely holding on right now. We're obliged to help.
MAGGIE: Why? They surrendered. We didn't kill 'em. That's it. I can't solve all their problems when I clearly have things to take care of here.
RICK: Maggie, I'm so sorry this happened to you and Enid...
MAGGIE: I've survived worse. But it has to stop. When we were fighting the Saviors, you told me that soon, you'd be the one following me. But you didn't. 'Cause I wasn't someone to follow. That changes now.
SCENE 2: Outside Maggie's house—Hilltop (an hour later)
(Rick and Michonne are by a tree with moonlight shining down on them. Rick has his face in his hands. Michonne puts an arm around him.)
RICK: (exasperated) That blew up in my face, huh? Carl would have called this, and I quote, "an epic fail".
MICHONNE: You were honest though. Maggie has her reasons and we have to bite it, at least for now. And Carol does want to help the Sanctuary, so we got that going for us.
RICK: What about Daryl?
MICHONNE: Woof. Don't look to me for that. That's mono e mono stuff brewing.
(Rick scoffs and brings himself up to look at her.)
RICK: Maggie said she has a public speech going on in a little bit, right? What its about, I don't know.
(Michonne takes one of his hands and puts it on her ass. Meanwhile her other hand is on Ricks thigh, dancing up to his crotch.)
MICHONNE: What ever could we do to pass the time before then? How about? (closes her lips and presses her tongue back and forth dramatically against her cheek)
RICK: Hmmm…you serious?
MICHONNE: (shrugging a shoulder) Something about you handling that tough crowd in there, then asking for help in bringing everyone together afterward, really got me going.
RICK: (intrigued but still has a bit of a guard up) Really? I don't want you to do it out of pity.
MICHONNE: (shaking her head) I'm proud of you, and, hey, at least with this you are guaranteed to receive one thing at Hilltop tonight. Now, what did you say about my skin earlier?
RICK: Its perfect. It's glowing.
(They chuckle into a slow and sensual kiss. Michonne moves to unbuckle his belt.)
Next time on The Real Housewives of Alexandria…
GABRIEL: (to Anne) You captured me once, right, and now I'm sleeping with you? Do you get the feeling that I'm suffering from Stockholm syndrome?
ANNE: What are you talking about? (laughing) Everything's great with us! Look at my glow up since the junkyard!
ANNE (Talking Head): Yeeeeah I'm about to be in deep shit.