'Bored of the Onion Rings Marge is baking onion rings for a Texan night but one of them is a magic, evil onion ring that causes painful burns and causes Homer to act like Gollum. They go to Texas to throw it away in Mount Kaliante. A volcano full of the hottest hot sauce known to man and make many friends along the way such as Cookie, an old timey Mississippi gold miner and Cleanie, a man who acts like Gollum.
Plot
It's Texan night at the Simpsons. Marge is cooking the onion rings. However as she leaves them to cook to prepare something else, one of them glows with a golden glow.
"Texan night! Yeehaw!" Bart enthusiastic cheered like a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat.
"Ugh... he's been like that ever since he met Buck McCoy..." Oscar groaned.
"Boy sit down. Your enthusiasm for all things Texas is annoying Oz." said Homer.
"Dad he's just being a sourpuss." said Bart. "Well Oz, what about your enthusiasm for pirates?"
"Pirates are cooler than cowboys!" said Oscar.
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh uh!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh uh!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh uh!"
"Boys! Clam it and sit down. Besides everyone knows ninjas kick pirate and cowboy ass." said Homer.
"Dinner's ready!" said Marge and the Simpsons rushed to the table. Bart got the mysterious golden onion ring along with some normal ones. He bites the golden onion ring but hurts his tooth on it.
"Ow! This onion ring is made of solid gold!" said Bart.
The Simpsons examined it.
"So it is!" said Lisa. "Eighteen carat gold!"
"Woohoo!" Homer cheered. "I've always wanted to be gigantic and made of solid gold..." Homer day dreamed of himself as a giant made of eighteen carat gold turning up at the plant one day.
"Hey Homer!" said Lenny.
"Notice anything different Lenny?" Homer asked smugly.
"Um, you've had a haircut?" Lenny asked.
"Look closer, Lenny." Homer bent down and stared at the tiny Lenny.
"I got it! You're the biggest man in the world now! And you're made of solid gold!" said Lenny.
"Eighteen carat gold!" said Homer confidently.
He then went to Mr Burns's office.
"Take a hike Burns! I run this plant now!" said giant golden Homer.
"All hail king Homer!" said Mr Burns in awe of giant golden Homer.
Giant Golden Homer was now even bigger and now covered in jewels! He laughed evilly while dramatic music played.
The day dream ended with Homer chuckling to himself at dinner.
"He must be having that dream about him being a giant made of gold again..." Marge sighed.
Hugo winced.
...
After dinner they examined the onion ring. Homer decided to put it on like a ring.
"You know, your dad proposed to me with an onion ring when he was working at Gulp N Blow." said Marge.
"The real ring was in a turtle..." Homer groaned.
Oscar laughed.
However the golden onion ring made Homer possessive over it and paranoid that his family wanted to take it. He became aggressive. "No! It's mine! My precious!" Homer started to sound like Gollum.
"That onion ring is having some sort of effect on Dad!" said Lisa.
"Oh no!" said Marge.
The ring then burned Homer and glowed red. He screamed and threw it off. "Okay, I'm good now..." he sighed after throwing it off.
They try various ways of breaking it but it wouldn't work.
Flint Hammerhead from Flint the Time Detective even tried whacking it with his dad, who is a stone hammer that petrifies Timeshifters into fossils by the way.
"Ow! Ow! Ow! Now really sonny!" Rocky groaned as Flint clobbered the golden onion ring.
"Sorry Daddy." said Flint.
"This ring is unbreakable!" said Lisa.
"Ho boy... Where have we heard that before..." Bart sighed.
The camera panned over to Hugo who was reading The Lord of the Rings.
"Unbreakable? You bet!" said Oscar.
"I prefer a quiet station, thank you." Hugo sighed as he read the first Lord of the Rings book.
"Bet... station... Betting station! God is telling me to gamble!" Marge got addicted to gambling again.
"Woohoo! Homer cheered.
Gamblor laughed maniacally.
"No Mom! Thou shall not gamble!" Lisa whined.
"What do you care? Heretic!" Marge snapped.
"I'm a Buddhist..." Lisa growled.
Bart winced.
Later the Simpsons watched Bob Barker on the States version of The Price is Right.
"Booooooooorrrriiinnng!" Oscar groaned. "In Blighty it's hosted by Bruce Forsyth."
"It's nice to see you, to see you, nice." said Bruce.
"Oz we don't know any of your British celebrities..." Bart groaned.
"Well Brian Griffin and my teddy bear creature Teddy both hate Bob Barker because he keeps reminding everyone to spay or neuter their pets." said Oscar.
"Just die all ready!" Brian Griffin heckled the TV while watching Bob Barker host The Pride is Right.
"Brian you'll overpopulate America with puppies..." said Meg.
...
The Simpsons went to the only person they could possibly think would help them. Their friend Buck McCoy.
"Ah... Buck McCoy..." Bart sighed.
Lisa groaned. Her hero was dead. She didn't really like Murphy's replacement as her jazz hero, Bill Clinton. Mostly because of the scandals.
They left their home of one of several Springfields in east USA and headed south west to Texas across several states. If their Springfield was Springfield, Missouri. They wouldn't have far to go. On the other hand if their Springfield was Springfield, Massachusetts or Springfield, Virginia they would have quite far! Let's just say it took a day or two.
Eventually they arrived in Texas. They went by car, with the kids annoying Homer constantly with their "Are we there yet?" repetition over and over until he screamed at them to shut up.
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet" Bart and Hugo asked.
"No!" Homer screamed.
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
Homer snapped and strangled them, causing his car to swerve off road and crash. They had to be towed the rest of the way through Texas to Buck's town.
They took the ring to Buck McCoy. He gasped when he saw it.
"This onion ring carries a terrible curse! It drives men into a murderous possessive rage, lusting over the ring's power!" Buck explained.
In the background Homer was acting like Gollum again and stroking the ring. "My precious! We will not let them take you my precious!"
Oscar laughed.
Bart winced exasperated.
"You must take it to Mount Kaliante, a Mexican chilli restaurant with an actual live volcano full of the hottest hot sauce known to man! That's the only way to destroy it!"
"Hotter than Guatemalan insanity peppers?" Homer asked.
"Perhaps. I ain't heard of such things." said Buck.
"You should come to Springfield's next chilli cook off then! They're Chief Wiggum's secret ingredient in his chilli!" said Homer.
"Well, now it ain't a secret no more!" said Buck.
Everyone agreed.
"Anyhoo, I will be your guide for this dangerous quest. Who knows what lies in wait for us?" said Buck. "Plus I kinda miss you guys. How's things? Anything that'll interest an ol cattle rustler?"
"We once accidentally brought Billy the Kid back from the dead..." said Bart.
"Ahhhh. Ol Billy the Kid... As a real live cowboy I know all the ol gunslingers... From Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid to the gunfight at Ok Corral!" said Buck as he reminisced.
"Cooool! Tell us more!" said Bart. Oscar rolled his eyes at Bart's childish enthusiasm for cowboys and gunslingers.
"Oh there'll be plenty of time for stories on our adventure. We start a daybreak tomorrow so you can all stay over tonight." said Buck.
"Woohoo!" the Simpsons cheered.
"That ain't no cowboy cheer of enthusiasm!" said Buck. "It's Yeehaaaaw! Now repeat after me!"
"Yeehaaaaaw!" The Simpsons and Oscar cheered.
...
The next morning Buck hired some horses for them. They needed to go to Mississippi River. When they arrived they met Cookie, an old gold panner.
"Gold! Goooold!" He would often cheer.
"That is so cliched..." Bart sighed at idea of the old gold panner.
Cookie offered them lunch.
"That was a lovely lunch Cookie but who will clean up?" Marge asked.
"Oh Cleanie will do that." said Cookie. An elderly man crawled out of Cookie's trailer muttering like Gollum and carrying a sack. He cleaned up everything into his sack and muttered, "my precious!" before scurrying away. The Simpsons were unnerved by him.
Oscar giggled. "Hehehe! Gollum!"
Cookie and Cleanie joined them on their quest.
They rode in his wagon with Cleanie to Oregon. Lisa was playing Oregon trail.
On the screen a message said. "Mary died of dysentery."
"Aw nuts! My last traveller died..." Lisa sighed.
The wagon broke down.
"This is where we ride on horseback. Some of ya might be lost to dysentery." said Cookie.
The Simpsons sighed.
"Don't listen to him kids..." Marge sighed.
They passed through a desert full of saguaro cacti. The heat got to them and they started seeing mirages. Oscar saw the cacti dancing like they were from a Wagon Wheels biscuit advert. He shot the cacti.
"Oscar stop shooting the cacti! They're endangered!" Lisa told him off.
"Also that's kinda illegal in Arizona, Oz..." Bart added.
"Stupid singing cacti..." Oscar groaned delirious from the heat.
Eventually the horses died so they had to walk. Eventually the kids got tired and had to be carried. Homer carried Bart and Hugo. Marge carried Lisa with Maggie in a baby sling.
However they finally found an oasis.
"Wait, it could be a mirage!" Lisa struggled to explain from exhaustion.
However Homer ran into it and it was real. The family dragged themselves over to where they saw him bathing in the oasis. It was real. Thankfully.
When Bart arrived at the oasis he winced exasperated because the band Oasis were swimming in it. And drinking bottles of Oasis fruit drink.
Then he was even more baffled and flustered because Peter, Judy and Alan from Jumanji were there.
They soon left when Tony Jay's voice boomed out.
"Nosgoth will soon be a pitiful wasteland! I mean- You'll never pass the gate less gate!"
Peter Shepherd winced exasperated.
"What? He's in everything..." said Oscar.
The Simpsons and their companions refreshed themselves while Oasis sang Wonder Wall.
...
After everyone rehydrated themselves they rested and engaged in conversation. Which was more of Buck McCoy and Bart talking about old dead gunslingers like Billy the Kid.
Oscar yawned bored as he preferred pirates.
Eventually they arrived at an oil farm in Oregon. Unfortunately it belonged to Rich Texan.
"Who goes there?! Here to steal my oil or rustle my cattle are ya?" Rich Texan pointed his guns at them.
"No just some weary travellers in need of a place to rest and fresh horses." said Buck McCoy.
"The only thing getting rustled around here is my jimmies. Because of this gorilla cereal." said Oscar holding a box of Gorilla Munch cereal.
Everyone face palmed.
Bart frowned at Oscar for making stupid references.
"Oh okay. But stay away from old Bessie!" said Rich Texan.
Plot 2
In Rich Texan's mansion they passed a dairy cow they assumed was old Bessie. The cow mooed.
Then in the drawing room the Simpsons and their cowboy and gold prospector friends were introduced to Rich Texan's gay grandson Avery Texan. He was only ten years old but he already decided he was gay as he made bedroom eyes at Bart, Oscar and Hugo. "Oooooooh Hellooooooo!"
Homer screamed.
The former two recoiled in disgust at his camp remarks of "Ooooooh! You're the only one for me darling!" And. "Let's climb a mountain. A Brokeback Mountain..."
Homer cringed, offended by his campiness.
"Okay that's enough Avery..." Rich Texan sighed.
"I can tell we're gonna get along just fine..." Hugo smirked at Avery Texan.
Homer growled at Hugo. Because he's homophobic.
"Avery get your boots off the couch!" Rich Texan told off his gay grandson.
Avery sighed and sat up with his legs off of the couch.
Elsewhere Nancy Cartwright Voiced Chuckie admits he has committed video piracy. Or possibly just maritime piracy.
Kimi followed him to the toilets.
"Kimi you gosta stop fooling me around. Sometimes a kid needs his piracy." said Chuckie.
Phil and lil were horrified Chuckie pirated things.
"Remember kids! Piracy is illegal!" Tommy said to the fourth wall.
Bart winced exasperated.
Then they encountered a wall eyed man. Like cross eyed but when your eyes look outwards rather than inwards. He was looking at both everything and nothing.
They were creeped out by this.
Bart decided to practice swinging a lasso about and doing tricks with it also for the entire episode he was wearing a cowboy hat.
Lisa was thinking about Luke. Well tough you made him angry with you by endangering his sister.
Oscar was writing a weird comic.
"Go! Broccoli power!" said the super hero in his comic.
"That's a terrible super power..." Hugo muttered.
Oscar frowned at him.
Bart read Oscar's comic. "No! No! No! Why do the villains always go Akira! That's cheating!"
Oscar winced. "Did you read the broccoli power bit?"
"Nope." said Bart.
Avery Texan started singing I am what I am. Because he is extremely gay.
"I am what I aaaaaaaaam!"
Homer screamed.
...
They then moved onto their next destination, across the border between Texas and Mexico. This meant more desert. And going through Moria... (Death Valley is Moria.)
During the trip Oscar sung "I rode a horse with no name" while playing his guitar. Unfortunately his singing annoyed everyone and they threatened to break his guitar if he didn't shut up.
"Oscar I swear if you don't stop playing that thing and singing stupid songs I'll break it!" Bart yelled. He was sweltering and agitated.
Oscar put it away and pouted.
As they passed through Death Valley they saw buffalo up ahead. Oscar stopped to spy on them. He was looking through some high tech binoculars.
"Those are some odd buffalo. They look more like Banthas from Star Wars. I even see some Sand People..." said Oscar. Suddenly something obscures his binoculars.
A Tusken raider shrieks at them and attacks!
"Hrrrrrrkkkkrrrrr! Ohrrrrrrorrrhh!" was a rough translation of the Tusken Raider's screams as he tried to hit Oscar with his gaffi stick. Oscar rolled left and right dodging the gaffi stick.
Suddenly a Krayte dragon is heard. A mysterious cloaked figure is on the horizon. Along with a cartoon beaver.
"I'm a beaver on the horizon!" said the cartoon beaver.
Oscar winced and had a sweat drop.
The Tusken Raider fled in terror at the sound of a Krayte dragon.
Eventually they reached and crossed the border. They were greeted by Mexicans who offered them somewhere to stay.
They ask the Mexicans for advice getting rid of the golden onion ring, but they won't help.
"Sorry Amarillo gringoes. We don't want anything to do with any rings, not after that creepy ghost girl from the town well started killing everyone after they watched a cursed videotape..." Explained the head Mexican who took them in.
Oscar gave Bart a smug look and Bart rolled his eyes.
The Simpsons and their friends continued to Mount Kaliante when a group of Mexican horse men asked to join them, having second thoughts of not helping the Simpsons. They climbed up the active volcano. The air soon burnt their noses and stung their eyes.
"Ow! That's some spicy hot sauce! Even the air is spicy!" said Bart.
"Incapacitating... eeeerrrr..." said Homer looking like he tried some of Marge's pepper spray again.
"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" Oscar cried with sore eyes from the spicy vapours.
"Maybe you should try wearing your goggles on your eyes then and not as a fashion accessory.." said Bart.
Oscar pulled his green goggles over his eyes. "Ah, much better..."
They over looked the crater full of red hot sauce. It almost looked like molten lava.
"Well, here goes nothing!" said Homer as he threw the ring in. It landed in the hot sauce and melted. However this set off the volcano.
"Oh no!" said Marge. They ran back down the mountain as fast as they could with the lava hot sauce not far behind.
...
The Simpsons, Buck McCoy, Cookie and Cleanie and Rich Texan and his gay grandson Avery were travelling in a cart.
Cleanie muttered like Gollum.
"Where are we going now?" Bart asked.
"To Amarillo. Is this the way to Amarilloooooooo!" Oscar sang.
Bart tried to snatch his guitar but Oscar yanked it away from him and frowned at him.
"OK, I'll tell a story. Once upon a time in a land so far away, an evil Black Knight moves to a once peaceful kingdom causing trouble. One Day, He kidnapped a beautiful Princess named Princess Olivia and puts her in a cage so he cast an evil spell." said Homer telling a story.
The scene was set of a medieval kingdom called Springshire.
Bart was the evil black knight with a flame sword.
"Cooooool!" said Bart.
Lisa was Princess Olivia.
"Neat! But why am I kidnapped? I am a strong independent woman!" said Lisa.
"Because Princesses got kidnapped back then now be quiet." said Homer.
Bart as the black knight laughed evilly as he kidnapped the princess and kept her in a cage.
"Also he wanted to make all the good people obey him." said Homer.
"Enslavement. Okay that's pretty evil..." said Oscar.
Anyway Homer was the hero of the story but he is too dumb so Oscar did most of the saving the world.
Plus Homer's counterpart wanted to dress as Link from Zelda.
Medieval Oscar winced.
Also Mona was in this story.
"Blast!" said Medieval Mr Burns. "And I can't do anything as I'm not the story villain!"
Mona decided being a sweet old lady was boring and wanted to be a heartless, cruel fashionista who hated Dalmatians for some reason.
"Oz no!" Lisa groaned.
Oscar laughed.
"Mom I am off to defeat the evil Black Knight. Or Shadow Knight." said Urs. (Homer.)
"Okay but deliver this pie to our neighbours as thanks for babysitting your younger brother." said Mona.
Apparently there's a medieval fantasy version of Herb Powell too.
"Mmmmmmm! Pie!" said Urs.
"That's dad alright..." Hugo sighed.
And so Urs went in his quest. Like I said he's dumb and kept getting into mishaps.
Urs walked into a tree. "D'oh!"
...
Outside this story the Simpsons. Buck, Cookie, Cleanie, Rich, Avery and the Mexicans were at the gates of Moria.
But the doors were sealed.
"Aw shucks..." Bart sighed.
"These doors have runes on them!" said Lisa.
"I can translate those!" said an elderly wizard suddenly arriving.
"Well that was convenient." said Lisa.
Meanwhile he translated the runes, a giant tentacle monster attacked from the nearby lake.
"Oh baby! Hentai monster!" Oscar was aroused.
"Oz no! Stop!" Bart yelled.
"Oz the Watcher in the Water beast is not a hentai monster..." said Hugo exasperated.
The Watcher in the water grabbed some of the Mexicans.
"Aaaaagh! Ay ay ay! El calamari!" the Mexicans cried.
Anyway Oscar turned the beast into calamari rings...
"Okay..." Bart winced seeing the oversized calamari rings.
"Now to summon a huge pot of garlic sauce!" Oscar yelled.
They soon opened the gates of Moria, an old Dwarf city and went inside.
"Oh my it's dark in here." said Marge.
"Bright eyes, Fireflies." said the kids as their wands light up with eerie green light that lit up the dark halls of Moria.
Homer told more of his medieval fantasy.
Urs was singing I am Iron Man.
"I am Iron Man. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do... Ah screw it..."
"Dad your story sucks..." Bart groaned.
"choke on your candor!" Homer yelled and strangled him.
"Sssssshhhhhh!" Oscar hushed them. "I don't like this place. It's quiet, too quiet..."
"And the decor... black obsidian and slate? Eeeeeew!" Avery Texan groaned.
Oscar gave Avery a hard look.
...
The mechanical castle
Urs came to a mechanical castle belonging to Barney Gumble as a dwarf.
Barney belched.
"I need a fellowship to defeat the evil Black Knight." said Homer as Urs.
"Don't fight him! (Belches) Feed him something spicy!" said Barney.
A record player needle scratched.
"Dad no! No corny dialogue from those god awful Phillips CDI games." Bart groaned.
"Join me Link! And I shall make your face the grrrrrreatest in Koridai. Or else you will die.' said Oscar imitating Ganon.
Bart slugged him.
"Oof!"
Homer continued telling the story while they explored Moria.
Barney the dwarf was also the king of the dwarves. In Eragon they have elections.
"Oh. It seems I've spilt my beer." said Barney the dwarf.
"Oh my." said Urs.
"Oh well, I don't mind humans. However I am strangely xenophobic to Elves." said Barney.
An elf arrived. The Lord of the Rings kind.
"Get outta here tree hugger!" Barney yelled brandishing his axe.
The elf fled. But they would be back in greater numbers.
"I shall join your fellowship." said Barney belching. "However I have no idea where this princess is or the black knight."
"Well it's a mystery to us all. So let's get started." said Urs.
Barney drank his beer.
"After a few drinks first." said Urs.
They got drunk...
"Ooooooh my head..." said Urs.
Plot 3
In Moria.
The Simpsons, Buck, Cookie and Cleanie etc. Encountered Moria the ancient one.
Oscar laughed.
Hugo groaned exasperated.
"I am allergic to youth..." the giant turtle sneezed them away with a hurricane force sneeze.
Then they found themselves near Balin's tomb.
Homer cried over Balin's coffin.
Also Gimli's actor is also Sallah from Raiders of The Lost Ark...
Then there were goblins, but instead of goblins they were New Jersey people!
Homer screamed at the sight of orange skinned Jersey people and The Situation and Snooki.
They had a party in Balin's tomb.
Then an Internet Troll arrived. Yes an Internet troll, not a story book troll.
He cyber bullied the Simpsons in the mother of all flame wars...
Then Bart sent him such an insulting message he got mad.
"Flutter feather!" Oscar used the Wingardium Leviosa expy and the troll's club floated. Oscar then dropped the troll's club on him.
Gandalf then called Merry or Pippin a fool of a Took.
Then the gang left the tomb for the halls. A Balrog arrived.
"Oh he's flaming!" said Avery Texan.
Rich frowned at his gay grandson.
The balrog roared.
"You shall not pass!" said Gandalf.
The Balrog roared.
...
Meanwhile Urs and Barney the dwarf king found themselves in a thick misty forest. The forest was called Humperdinck Forest.
Oscar screamed with laughter.
Bart groaned exasperated.
"Englebert Humoerdinck..." Oscar laughed.
"Oh we appear to be lost!" said Urs.
Barney belched.
Suddenly they encountered Patty and Selma. Whom in this story, were cursed into freakish forms by the Black Knight for smoking. They still smoked after being cursed.
"That might explain the fog." said Urs. It was cigarette smoke.
He asked the hags for help finding the princess and the Black Knight.
They didn't like him so wouldn't help.
"Well that just sucks..." said Urs.
However their beautiful youngest sister who resembled Marge demanded they help the brave hero.
The hags with wooden bodies sighed and told Urs where the Black a Knight might be.
An academy that unfortunately doesn't have a funny name.
Lisa was a scholar at the academy studying tomes and scrolls.
An explosion rocked the academy.
Lisa's counterpart sighed.
Hugo or an alchemist resembling him entered covered in soot with burnt clothes.
"Did an experiment backfire on you again?" Lisa sighed.
"Yes..." said Hugo.
Lovejoy arrived, he was the academy chaplin.
"Princess Olivia has been kidnapped!" said Lovejoy.
"Oh dear! That's terrible!" said Lisa. "Hopefully a hero saves her."
...
The Balrog guarded the only other way out of Moria. Which lead to the lake of Ranch Dressing.
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf bellowed and the Balrog fell into an abyss.
The Simpsons, Buck and so on arrived at the lake of Ranch Dressing. By the forest of Buffalo wings, guarded by the Lisa Simpson camels!
"Honk! Hooooooonk!" The Lisa Simpson camels honked.
Lisa glared at the fourth wall.
Homer ate some buffalo chicken.
The Lisa camels honked.
"Ignore her, Effendi. We have each other." said Bart Simpson clones as belly dancers.
"Oh, baby." Homer moaned with lust. No Homer! No!
"Aah!" A Bart Belly Dancer screamed.
"No use struggling, my beloved Shelamela." said Homer.
"Okay let's get the hell outta here!" Bart yelled.
They came across the deadly desert. They knew so because a Mexican fell on the sand and turned into sand.
"The same deadly desert from Oz..." Bart frowned at Oscar.
"Maybe..." said Oscar.
They had to make a detour. The Rock Tunnel to Lavender Town that ran under the desert.
Unfortunately they needed a monster that learnt the HM Flash. Or they would be using Bright Eyes, Fireflies the wand light charm, again.
...