Warning: Heads up! This chapter includes purging. It also includes depictions and references to anorexia. You've been warned.
It's crazy (that someone could change me)
Helga woke up this morning already desperate for it to end. It was Friday and she felt like her stomach was going to explode. Her bed sheets were wet with sweat and she felt like someone played hopscotch on top of her stomach, and then set it on fire.
Grumbling, she got up knowing it would be better to have gone to school than to not have gone and gotten her detention rescheduled. No way. She was finishing up the dreaded afterschool jail sentence and would be on her merry way. Besides she had a lot to look forward to this weekend- like spending that time with Arnold.
There was no way she was going to let her stomach ruin her plans. Not when she and Arnold were finally on the same page and she got him off her back, mostly.
Her stomach lurched and she let out a small whine. She clutched her stomach and bit her lip. She would have to move slowly this morning if she was going to get anywhere.
She slowly set one foot at a time on the floor as she slid gently off the bed. Her stomach was still hurting and it didn't feel like it was going to ease up anytime soon. She distantly thought about going to her sister's room and asking for a ride to school so she didn't have to walk.
But there was no way Helga was going to ride in a car with a meddling Olga. It would just be another detail she'd share with Arnold and then the blonde boy would know she was lying.
Not to mention, MIriam would then take her to the doctor and then it would be all over. Everyone would find out what a weirdo she was and why she wasn't eating. She'd be forced to tell the truth and there was no way that was happening.
Helga walked across the hall to the bathroom slowly, cradling her stomach. Was this her karma for refusing to eat more than a few bites at dinner last night? Or her lying to her sweet, good-natured, and kind boyfriend?
She leaned against the sink and stared into the mirror. She looked terrible. Dark rings were under her eyes and her skin almost looked papery-thin. She pulled the skin under her eyes and sighed, pressing her face against the mirror.
Why was she ugly?
She briefly wondered if Lila or Phoebe or any of the girls in their class woke up and looked as she did. Or if they had moments where they felt ugly.
There was no way Little Ms. Perfect ever had those moments and Princess probably spent the time talking to herself about herself.
And Phoebe spent more time studying than she did having thoughts like her own. She just knew it. Besides, what traits did Phoebe have that she'd ever want to do away with?
She clutched her stomach after a particular awful pang. At the thought of breakfast, Helga practically vomited. It just wouldn't be possible to eat, not when she felt this terrible inside and out.
She was a worthless, waste of space.
Her vision swarmed. She had to take a deep breath before she'd truly turn into a worthless girl, crying like a big baby. She wiped her eyes and turned on the faucet to draw out her sobs as she cried out. It was too early to get this worked up but she couldn't help it. Not when she looked this terrible and felt even worse. Especially since she started carrying this secret. This awful, pathetic, ridiculous lie.
How could a person like her deserve to eat? To breathe? To live?
Tears of sadness rolled down her cheeks as she slid to the floor. Curling up in a ball, Helga cried more ignoring the pain and discomfort the position was bringing her.
She didn't care anymore.
Arnold would leave her when he found out the truth. She just knew it. He wouldn't want to stay with a girl like her especially after he found out why she wasn't eating. Why she threw up after eating, and even worse why she was practically scared to be around food.
The whole thing was so stupid and yet she couldn't help herself. She didn't feel like she could stop.
It was either eat food and be miserable or don't eat food, be light and deal with occasional stomach pain. Helga knew the latter part was more of a lie than anything. Her stomach was constantly in knots. She felt she was going to die.
It was bad enough that Arnold was constantly fretting over her and Phoebe was constantly asking her about her wellbeing. It wasn't like she got the same attention at home. Her parents hardly cared about where she was or what she was doing. Any of their recent attention towards her, all had to do with Olga. There was no way Bob or Miriam gave enough care to take her to the doctors unless Olga mentioned it.
Just like with any meal in the house.
Or Helga's feelings.
Or Helga's life.
Or anything that remotely had to do with Helga.
The girl sighed, wiping her eyes. She tried to take deep breaths to no avail. She felt the air get stuck in the back of her throat.
There was knocking on the door. "Helga!"
Helga tried to get her breathing under control. Trying to remember what Phoebe had shown her the last time she freaked out. 'Deep breaths. Deep Breaths. Breathe In. Breathe Out.'
Helga tried to ignore the knocking at the door as she focused on leveling out her breathing.
"What is going on in there? Helga, open the door!"
More pounding ensued.
"Open the door, Olga!"
Helga took one last deep breath and got up. She turned off the faucet and wiped her face. "What?" Her voice came out hoarse.
"Open up. "
"I'm using the bathroom here. What do you want?"
"Little lady you have until the count of three to get out or I'm getting my power tools."
She sighed and opened the door, walking past Olga, Miriam, and Bob. Determined to not let them see her face or else they'd know she was crying. "Don't have a cow. Bathroom's all yours." She slammed her door and got dressed.
"Excuse me, young lady. You come back here right now, Helga."
"I'm getting dressed for school."
"Hey Hey hey. Listen to your mother. Open the door." Helga rolled her eyes and ripped open the door.
"What?"
"Do you have any idea how long you were in the bathroom with the water running? Are you trying to run up the water bill? And Do you know who has to pay for it? Criminy."
"Well geez Bob, I'm sorry I needed to use the bathroom to get ready for school. Now if that's everything, I need to get ready for school. Y'know that place where children go to learn?" Helga snarked, crossing her arms against her chest. She silently hoped her attitude would be enough to focus on instead of her appearance.
"Helga, that's not very nice. You need to be nicer to Mommy and Daddy." Olga lectured. Helga almost punched the girl for that comment. As though she wasn't the source of Helga's current problems.
"Yeah well, I'll be nicer when he's less harsh. Now, I really need to get ready for school or I'm going to be late. If I'm late I could get detention." Helga reminded the adults in the room, completely overlooking the fact that she already had detention.
"Fine. Go and get ready." Bob stalked off and Miriam trailed after him. She, clearly missing her morning smoothie. Olga remained and put her hands on her hips. "Baby Sister. I don't know what's been going on with you lately but I really wished you'd open up to me." She walked closer to Helga, hands falling to her waist. "Did something happen between you and Arnold? Is that why you're in a terrible mood?"
"Nothing happened Olga. I just want to get this day over with. Okay?" She looked over at her older sister in exasperation. "Can I please go now?" Her stomach felt like it was going to wither away any second now.
Olga nodded but before Helga could leave said, "There's breakfast downstairs. Please come down and eat before you leave, Helga. It's important to start your day off strong." 'Criminy, she's worse than an afterschool special.' She thought as she made her way down the hall.
She had to get dressed or she really would be late. She ran into her closet throwing on her normal outfit. Sighing she went to sit at her vanity and brushed her hair into the familiar pigtails. Once she was satisfied, she went back to the bathroom to brush her teeth.
Helga groaned and leaned against the bathroom sink. She was moving too fast and her body felt like it was going to give out. This day is really going to suck.'
She slowly made her way back to her room and picked up her backpack. She grabbed her cell phone and checked the time.
7.25. She still had five minutes before she really needed to be on her way to Phoebe's.
Going downstairs Helga went into the kitchen as requested and saw her mom sitting by the blender asleep. Nothing unusual.
"Oh, Baby Sister! Your breakfast is on the table."
"Thanks, Olga," Helga mumbled as she walked over to the table and saw the breakfast spread of eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, and toast. Looking to her right she saw the plate Olga had made her.
Her stomach lurched at the idea of adding food to it. "Olga, I gotta go. I don't have time to eat."
"Oh, you can spare a few minutes. Phoebe won't mind you being a little late. She's having breakfast as well."
"How do you know that?"
"I took the liberty of reaching out to her and Arnold this morning since you mentioned you were running late. I wanted to make sure you had enough time to eat this morning."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Sit down, Helga, and eat. Or you will be late." Olga smiled and gestured at the younger girl. She even pulled out her chair for her. Helga had no choice but to sit down and eat.
Sighing the girl sat down picked up a fork and slowly ate her breakfast, being sure to take small bites and chew slowly.
Olga smiled at the girl as she sat across from her. "Do you like breakfast? I made Daddy a plate as well and he told me how good it was."
"Yeah, it's okay," Helga said between bites. When she ate half of what was on her plate, which was a lot for her, she got up. Distantly she realized at some point her stomach had stopped burning.
"I'll be right back. I gotta pee." Helga got up and stormed to the bathroom. There was no way she was going to keep the food in her stomach. Especially not through lunch. No, Helga would get rid of it.
She turned on the faucet and took out her toothbrush and toothpaste. She moved to the toilet and forced herself to throw up, shoving a couple of fingers down her throat and hunched over the toilet.
Coughing she threw up what was breakfast or would be if she allowed it to digest. The chewed-up food did not come up easily as she thought it would. She coughed more and prayed no one could hear her. She coughed up more food and retched hard, practically shaking when she had finished. She flushed the toilet and moved to brush her teeth quickly. She couldn't hear Olga's footsteps but knew the woman wouldn't be too far away from her if she was any longer in the bathroom than expected.
Helga brushed her teeth again thoroughly. She needed to get rid of the puke smell not to mention the taste of vomit. When she was satisfied she rinsed and spit and put up her toothbrush. Running downstairs she grabbed her bag and jacket and raced out of the house.
"Bye, baby sister! Have a good day!" She heard Olga yell out behind her. Helga mumbled a goodbye and raced down the street. When she was sure she was out of Olga's eyesight she slowed down and walked the rest of the way to Phoebe's.
Helga sighed as she neared Phoebe's house. She felt floaty from her purge earlier but her throat was sore. She swallowed and walked up to Phoebe's porch steps.
Before she could knock Phoebe answered the door with her backpack on.
"Good morning, Helga."
"Hey Pheobe."
The two had started their walk. Phoebe looked over at the blonde girl and struck up a conversation after walking in silence with the girl for a few minutes.
"Did you have a good morning? Olga had texted me to let me know you were running late because you were eating breakfast."
"Yeah, about that. How did she get your number?"
Phoebe paused, unsure herself. "I don't know. I imagined she got it from you."
Helga snorted. "She did the same thing with Arnold. Somehow she got both of your numbers. I wonder if she went through my phone. But, I had my phone in my backpack and she'd had to come into my room to get it. She couldn't have gotten from me because I was in my room."
"That is strange. I don't know how she got my number then."
"I cannot wait for her to leave. This week can't be over fast enough."
"It will be soon, Helga. Do you have any plans for this weekend?"
"I'm spending tomorrow at Arnold's house. He got a new stereo. What about you?"
"There's a new paleo exhibit opening up tomorrow at the museum and Gerald is taking me."
"That sounds fun Phoebe. Well, fun for you. I see Geraldo is treating you right."
"I'm quite looking forward to it. Yes, Gerald does treat me well. And I know that Arnold treats you well, too."
"I know, just sometimes I wish he'd give me a break about food. You too."
Phoebe looked over at the girl. "We just-"
"Worry about me. I know."
"Did you- have you had any more panic attacks since yesterday?"
Helga glared at the brunette. "I thought I told you that never happened."
"Yes, well Helga you had me worried. I've never known you to have a panic attack." Phoebe stopped and looked at the girl in front of her. She looked like she'd seen better days. Helga had dark rings under her eyes and she looked tired. "You had requested that I stop meddling and I have. But Helga, I know you are not well. I just wish you'd trust me enough to tell me why."
"There's nothing to say, brainiac."
"There is Helga. I..I miss my best friend. Since this has been happening," Phoebe phrased carefully, "I haven't been able to talk to you like I used to. And, it's really hurt me."
"Uh-huh," Helga said crossing her arms over her chest. "Like when you got me detention?"
"I didn't get you detention, Helga."
"Yes, you did! Because of you, I had to stay later and talk to Mr. Simmons and he called my parents to ask if everything was okay. That was your fault! And then Mrs. Sprelly got mad at me."
"She was mad because of how you spoke to her, Helga. That had nothing to do with me."
"Yes, it did! You made me late!"
Phoebe, who normally would have backed down, had enough. She was tired of how Helga was treating her.
"I have been nothing but a good friend to you, Helga. And this whole time, you've treated me like debris on the back of your sneaker."
Helga rolled her eyes and started walking. "Yeah, and I am just a big bad monster, right Phoebe? Well you know what, who needs you? I don't." Helga glared at the brunette and face forward.
Phoebe wiped her eyes and trailed after the blonde.
The two girls turned the corner and met with their boyfriends.
"Good morning Helga." Arnold smiled, reaching out his hand.
Helga intertwined their hands, "Let's go Football head."
"Babe, what's wrong?" Gerald asked, concerned at the tears in Phoebe's eyes.
"I'm fine Gerald." She smiled at her boyfriend. "Let's make our way to the school now."
Helga glared at Phoebe but didn't say anything. Arnold looked between the two girls sensing something had happened. "Is everything okay between you two?"
"Yes." Phoebe and Helga replied instantly. The last thing they wanted was to bring the boys into their problems.
Gerald raised his eyebrow, "Right. and I'm the kind of France. Okay. well, Let's go, Phoebe." He took the girl's hand and walked past the two blondes. He'd handle Phoebe and let Arnold deal with Pataki.
"What's going on Helga? Did something happen between you and Phoebe?"
"She got me detention and won't even admit it. "
"Actually, you got yourself detention, Helga." Arnold reminded her.
Helga glared at Arnold. "Oh, great, are you on her side now too?" She ripped her hand out of his grasp. "I thought you were my boyfriend."
"It sounds like you're looking for a fight, Helga." Arnold crossed his arms across his chest, "And I'm not going to give it to you. You should apologize to Phoebe. She doesn't deserve your anger, you know."
"She deserves all of it. She got me detention and now because of her, I have to deal with another day of it.
"C'mon Helga. Your attitude got you detention. Why won't you admit it?"
"Because I didn't do anything wrong! And why are you always against me? You take up for everyone else but me and I am sick of it!" Helga stalked off.
Arnold followed after her, "So you're just going to be angry for the rest of the day? Is that how this works? I thought everything was fine last night and today you're angry. I don't understand it."
"Then I guess you don't get me." Helga walked up the stairs to the school.
Arnold sighed and felt older than he was as he watched the blonde walk away from him.
Helga knew she was in the wrong. She could hit herself right now if she wasn't in the middle of the classroom surrounded by her peers. She pissed off Phoebe and she now upset Arnold.
'Criminy, I really know how to mess things up.' She lamented.
And to make matters worse her stomach started to burn again. It was like it knew
what her actions were and depending on if it was right or wrong it would choose to make an appearance.
Helga wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole.
She looked over at Phoebe who sat in the front row to the right. Phoebe felt eyes on her and looked her way. Their eyes locked and Helga averted eye contact. She scared away her only friend.
Groaning at the prospect of having to spend the whole day like this, Helga raised her hand. Screw the questions and weird looks for it being only first period and Helga already trying to bail on the rest of the day.
"Can I go to the nurse?"
"Sure, Helga." Mr Simmons gave her the nurse's pass. He said in a lower voice, "I hope everything is okay."
She shrugged and took the pass, walking out of the class.
Nurse Shelley was in the middle of prepping the beds when she saw Helga G. Pataki make another appearance in her office.
"Helga. Good morning. Are you not feeling well?"
Helga, feeling practically on fire, shook her head. "I feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my body."
"Oh no, dear. Well, let's take your temperature first. You could be coming down with the flu. Go ahead and hop on the bed."
"Sure."
Nurse Shelley grabbed the thermometer she kept in the cabinet and instructed Helga to place it under her tongue.
"It's a little high but it's still normal." She cleaned out the thermometer before sitting it down. "Do you have any symptoms besides your stomach hurting, honey?"
Helga shook her head. "My stomach is burning. I had breakfast this morning and it's still burning."
"Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that."
"Do you think I can lay down and if I'm not feeling better you can call home for me? I don't know if I can make it through the rest of the day, Nurse Shelley." Helga begged the woman.
"Well, I don't see why not. But I will ask them to take you to the Doctor because your stomach's been hurting for quite a bit."
"That sounds good. Thank you, Nurse Shelley."
Helga lay down on the bed and closed her eyes. She heard Nurse Shelley tell her she was welcome and she closed the curtains around her.
Helga would do anything but go back to class and be forced to see Arnold or Phoebe. There was no way she was that strong. Especially not with her stomach hurting the way it did on top of it all. She felt practically close to tears and that she could fall apart at any moment.
She felt alone and it was all her fault.
She opened her eyes and moved to her side. Clutching her stomach she groaned as she felt the burning continue.
"Are you alright, dear?"
"No. It's burning. It won't stop." Helga cried out. She clutched her stomach desperate to get her stomach to stop burning.
She buried her head in her arms as she cried out. She didn't care about meddling now. Not when it felt like she was going to die.
Helga curled into a ball and cried. She sobbed as the burning continued. "Make it stop, please."
Nurse Shelley raced over and placed her hands on the girl's stomach, she pressed down and asked if she felt any tenderness. Helga shook her head, crying. "It just really burns. It won't stop." She continued to cry.
Nurse Shelley asked, "What did you have for breakfast today, Helga?"
"Toast, eggs, bacon, some sausage and pancakes."
"Did you have a little bit or a lot?"
"Enough to be full. I don't have any room in my stomach or anything else." She sniffed.
"Well, let's try a few crackers and some ginger ale. If it doesn't help the burning, I'll call home, okay?"
"I just want the burning to stop." She cried.
"Nurse Shelley?" Helga heard Arnold's voice. She sighed, wiping her eyes. "I brought Helga's backpack. Class let out. Can I see her?"
Nurse Shelley sighed, "She's not feeling well Arnold."
Helga sniffed, "It's fine, Nurse Shelley. I'm okay." Helga wiped her eyes, clutching her stomach.
Arnold walked over hesitantly to Helga. Helga turned her back to the boy and continued to wipe her eyes, trying in vain to not show her teary face.
"Helga? Is it your stomach?"
Helga sniffed, "Why are you asking?"
"Helga, I just want to make sure you're okay."
"I'm fine Football head. Just fine." The last part came out in a sob. She sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
Arnold placed the backpack on the ground and took a few steps closer to the girl. He hugged her close and whispered, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well."
"I feel fine."
"It's okay, Helga." He took a hand and rubbed her hair, "Are you going to go home?"
"Yeah."
Arnold kissed her head. "Do you want me to get you anything from your locker?"
Helga wiped her eyes and turned to look at the boy. "It's okay, football head. I think I'm just going to lie down."
Arnold looked at the girl concerned, having not seen her cry before. "If you're sure. Resting is probably the best thing you can do." He rubbed her hands. "I'm really sorry you're not feeling well, sweetheart."
Helga looked down and tried to focus on anything but the burning. "I just want it to stop burning." She rubbed her stomach, attempting to soothe it.
Nurse Shelley made a re-appearance. She sat down the crackers and ginger ale on the table next to the bed. "Try eating some of these dear and let me know if the burning sensation goes away."
Arnold bit his lip looking at the items, "I'll leave and let you try eating the crackers. I hope you feel better. I'll call you later, Helga." He rubbed her arm one last time and kissed her cheek before leaving the room.
Helga wiped her eyes and leaned over to eat a cracker. She took a sip of the ginger ale. The burning seemed to dull after a few more crackers. She kept eating a few more crackers ignoring her racing thoughts. 'Worthless.' She felt her throat close up as she swallowed her last couple of bites.
She wiped her eyes and refused to cry again. She needed her stomach to stop burning. She couldn't deal with the burning anymore.
"Helga? I called your parents. They're going to have your sister Olga come and pick you up."
Helga sighed, "Okay. Thank you." She took a sip of the ginger ale. She sat the can down and started to eat a few more crackers. Her stomach was starting to feel a bit better. "I think the burning is getting better."
"That's great dear. Why don't you rest while we wait for your sister to pick you up."
She stopped eating the crackers and lay down. She closed her eyes, laying on her back as she waited for her sister to come and pick her up.
Suddenly, Olga's presence would be wanted. Helga sighed as she moved to her right side in an effort to make herself comfortable.