Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles

Chapter 2: Valentine's Day

Beginning AN:

Whelp it looks like I'm going to try for the "seasonal" publish schedule. At least for the original "Season 1." I may throw back to Chapters 1-4 of the original being published every three days. Of course, in the original I actually wrote those chapters over the course of three days each. Here, I wrote Chapter 1 ahead of time... but then this chapter's rough draft was all more-or-less sped through in one day.

It turned out that the two shadows in particular, the bishonen and the piercing one, were the Valentine Brothers, Jan and Luke respectively. They were walking the following night (this is night two, they still have five more days before the leader's Leader showed up) with a truck full of zombies with them.

"IT SURE IS GOING TO BE FUN TO KILL THINGS! FUCK!" Said Jan.

"Yes but we must do it in a fancy manner." Said Luke.

"You and your fancyness... why not just go fucking nuts?"

"You and your vulgarity and sayding the word 'fuck' all the time. No wonder the Major doesn't like you."

"Oh it's not because I have dark skin and he's a you-know-what-zi?"

"Damn he likes Zorin and that says a lot since Zorin's an ass so obviously no."

They reached the doors to Hecksing Manor. It was no longer near Heavensing Mansion. Not that it moved, just that Heavensing Mansion was technically no more. After the events of Chapter 1, Integra wanted to burn it through the ground, but she decided to let Seraas throw a party there with her friends (she finally did the paperwork thing and the squad knew she was alive and stuff) and thought "Yeah the trashing would be good enough." Seras had a lot of friends. We may see them in the future. The party was during the following day, since Seras was a vampire day parties were her version of night parties.

"HALT!" Said a Hecksing guard. "WHO GOES THERE?! THIS IS A SECRET ORGANIZATION, WE CAN'T JUST LET ANYBODY IN!"

"It's okay I'm friends with Walter C. Dornez he gave me permission to come in." Said Luke.

"Hm... my lie detector says you're telling the truth... but you look too pompous to be Walter's friend."

"DID YOU JUST SAY POMPOUS?!" Asked Luke. "JAN, THAT'S IT! I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO YOUR THING ON THIS MISSION!"

The guard stepped back and was scared. "OH NO NOT HIS THING!"

"That's right!" Jan shouted, taking out a sword. "You see he has knives but I have a sword because it's bigger, also it's like our dicks where mine is bigger hahahaha. Now watch this:"

Then he cut off his the guard's head! What a dick! Luke, on the other hand, being the cool fancy brother, snapped his fingers, and a zombie shot the lock on the door and that opened it. Luke could have lock-picked it he wanted to be a showoff.

The alarms were sounded. Integra, Alucard, Seras, and Walter were all taking a team shower along with a lot of the Hecksing team (but not all). Hey I want this to be hotter earlier (Seras having a large rack doesn't count don't treat big breasts as sexual weirdos) and the original they were watching TV which is out of character, so there's fanservice of this. Integra looked in the direction of the shower speaker as it went "WOOOOOOO AAAAOOOOOOO."

"Oh no. It's vampires. Attacking us. Thanks to the damn barrier being down." Said Integra. "Two of them based on the code alarm. And a 506 zombies. We need to- AHHH I GOT SOAP IN MY EYE!"

Walter went over there with a napkin. "Want my help?"

"No I got it. Alucard, Seras, you know what to do."

"On it!" Said Alucard, who began walking, but then he accidentally stepped on a bar of zoap and began sliding across the floor! Seras didn't because of the following:

"Um, I don't actually know what to do. I was just here yesterday." She said.

"Oh." Said Integra. "Well. Defend. Actually, Walter that goes for you two. You just sat on your ass during Heavensing, I don't like this. Be more useful."

Walter bowed. "As you wish, Integra."

And they both ran out.

"BUT PUT ON CLOTHES FIRST YOU FUCKING IDIOTS!" Integra shouted. But they couldn't hear her over the steam!

Luke and Jan made it through the halls. Luke was using his super speed to cut through guards with his knife powers, but also moonwalking to dodge the blood drops to not ruin his fancy suit. Jan didn't care though.

"So the plan is you just go around with the zombies being an annoying distraction while I fight..." Luke rubbed his hands together and licked his lips. "Alucard."

"Ok I like being a fucking annoying distraction." Jan said.

"Please don't quote me but add 'fuck' in the middle I'm too sophisticated to swear."

"It isn't a quote it's a paraphrase."

Luke sighed. "This is a suicide mission to you, but not to me. Let's hope that this is what happens and you die while I live. So now let's see Alucard in all his glory!"

"Ok."

Jan took his sword out and ran around. Meanwhile, Luke began searching the rooms and-

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Luke screamed, because he saw something horrifying!

It was Alucard sliding to him on the bar of soap naked! (They don't shower with towels, in swimsuits, or underwear like prudes like Hank Hill would, well they use towels but for cleaning and drying.)

"AHHH!" Alucard also shouted but he was powerful so it was less loud.

Alucard tried to move, but just ended up flipping off the soap, and he fell with his crotch on Luke's face, knocking him down. They both fell on the floor.

"I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN TO PENIS YOU!" Alucard shouted.

"THIS IS THE HECKSING ULTIMATE WEAPON?!" Asked Luke. "WHAT IS THIS THICC MAGIC MIKE SHIT?!"

"Yes I am him the ultimate weapon, I am Alucard Badguy. And I will UNLEASH HECK on the badguys! And don't bring up my thicc butt I am sensitive about it okay."

"I am a badguy."

"REALLY?! D:" Dun dun dun!

"I'm the guy who killed the guards outside the manor! Well, my brother is."

"THEN I WILL UNLEASH HECK ON YOU!"

"Actually I don't even want to fight anymore, that crotch attack was a really low blow. It reminds me too much of my brother." Don't interpret that as anything weird please. "I want to quit, the rest of the Millennium can tear you apart, but the thought of your blood on my blades is too disgusting. I'm giving up this mission. Major can bug me when a better vampire-killing group shows up."

Luke then left with his superspeed. Alucard tried to follow, but the super speed was Luke's Main Superpower, Luke ended up being faster than Alucard by necessity, so by the time Luke zoomed off, Alucard was then unable to catch up to him, and lost him when the went out the front gate.

"Hm." Said Alucard, sad that he failed that particular part of the mission. And that he accidentally sexually harassed someone. "Now where could he be...? Oh, that's a dead woman." He noticed the guard killed at the beginning of the chapter. "Oh well, wouldn't want a body to go to waste." He shrugged and then turned in to a giant mouth and ate the girl. But hey, now she could be a familiar and brought back, so she gets a happy ending unless Alucard got killed.

Meanwhile Jan was killing a lot of guards with his sword. The sword was poisonous, but that doesn't really matter (yet? Hmmm...) because he was cutting heads off and people in half, not stabbing.

"IT SURE IS FUN TO BE KILLING GUARDS!" Shouted Jan.

Then a bunch of explosions went out after him! It was Seras, standing at the end of the hall with cannons, while Walter also stood there with his hand up for a reason we'll see.

"Ew you two are naked. This is a little too weird for me." Jan said.

"Stop killing the guards!" Seras shouted. "YOU'LL FAVE THE WRATH OF MY NEW WORKPLACE APPARENTLY!"

"Hi Jan." Said Walter.

"Oh, hey Walter." Jan told him. "Long time no see."

"You know each other?" Asked Seras.

"We uhhhhhh... met in high school." Said Walter. "But after finding out that he's Millennium now, we're totally enemies and not at all working together."

"What's the Millennium?" Seras asked.

"Um it's sports."

"Constructive criticism." Said Jan. "I think the weird-looking blonde one is on to you, so you should probably fight. I will fight regardless because I just want to fucking kill anything and fucking everyone around me. Except my brother, I'm scared of him because he picked on me when we were little, and even tried drowning me in the river by our house once. :(" Jan's backstory both Brothers are messed up.

"Okay. I AM THE ANGEL OF DEATH!" Shouted Walter, and then he got out a lot of blue chakra strings, and used them to cut things up! He also tore up several of the zombies behind Jan, but Jan ducked and avoided them. "Haha, now we're talking! But strings are no match for a sword!"

Walter dashed over to Jan, but Jan took his sword out and cut the chakra strings, messing up his weapon! And he went straight to Seras.

"OKAY TIME TO FACE THE WRATH OF A VALENTINE!" Jan shouted, getting his sword ready.

Seras panicked and began firing a lot of exploding bullets, but Jan with his reflexes (Luke had speed in running, Jan had speed in reflexes, I'm not sure what the difference is exactly and such or why one doesn't include the other but I think that's a way to differentiate them if Jan also has a unique power like Luke now) dodged the actual bullets, and he just tanked the explosions that went off from past him since they mostly hit him a distance away and it was like smoke. They were small explosions too. Then Jan just pricked Seras on the shoulder with his sword. Oh, that's what the poison was for, the vampires. Seras' shoulder began to turn teal and veiny and teal veinly looks started slowly spreading through her skin.

"Haha, you're poisoned now. You are a weak vampire." Said Jan. "A newbie vampire. I can smell it, your blood doesn't have very much shadow mass from being a longevity vampire like me or my brother. A baby vampire. You will never be a badass, especially now that you're almost dead. What will your boyfriend save you?"

"I hope not because I have no romantic interest with this woman."

It was Walter who said that, who jumped out from behind with the chakra strings out! He generated new ones from magic! Jan looked on worried and surprised, and tried moving out of the way, yet Walter still managed to catch Jan's arm in them and brought the strings to a cut mode together to slice, and it took his arm off! This will be important later.

"MWAH HA HA!" Jan laughed as he ran further inside the manor. "You are left with a choice! Stay by with Seras like a hero, or abandon her to kill like a villain!"

Walter looked down at Seras and saw that the poison was spreading FAST. It was already over her head, making her face even shrink and look a bit skullish. And down around her chest, although the exact degree it stopped was a little tough to see because soap bubbles from the shower covered her nipples and vagina, meanwhile the guys had penises on soap bubbles for censorship (but not butts though).

"Hmmm..." Said Walter. "While I would make a victory for Millennium by just letting Seras die and say it was to go for Integra, it would be too easy. Plus Alucard may hate me, since Integra can definitely kill Jan, and Alucard will survive because he can likely kill Luke. So that's my reason for saving Seras despite being the bad guy."

"Wh... what?" Seras said, getting Delirium. Not that fucker from Isaac I hate that boss.

"Nevermind, I'll take you to the lab to engineer some antedote." He carried her bridal style. "Come on."

Alucard went to London City, United Kingdoms of London. He was doing that searching thing where he had his hand over his head.

"HEY HAVE YOU SEEN A WHITE GUY?" He asked a random civilian.

"Oh yeah he's over there." Said the citizen, pointing to a telephone pole. (Do they still have those in London?)

Alucard looked closely and saw Luke was trying to hide behind it and was looking around back and forth nervously!

Then Luke's cell phone went off and would have exposed his location anyway (so the civilian was irrelevant to the plot I guess), but Luke answered and a hologram shadow of the Leader appeared.

"HEY!" He said. "Jew were supposed to TEST ALUCARD'S STRENGTH. Not RUN AWAY LIKE COWARD. We, Millennium, are WAR. We are not COWARDS. Get Jewr bishonen ASS back on this missions or I'll sent one of the Millennium officers to fight Jew."

"Which one?"

"The Captain."

Luke sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll fight Mr. Magic Mike."

"YAY!" Alucard cheered in the background. "NOW I CAN ACT ON MY MISSION!" Luke sweatdropped.

"That's the spirit. If Jew lose, rest assured, Jewr honor will be kept and noted and we'll use the knowledge to make a good war and lose the Alucard in some way so that the war will be longer."

"What if I win?"

Leader hologram laughed. "Ummmmm... we didn't think of that."

"Can you throw a party for me?"

"Uh, sure. Maybe I can talk the Captain in to setting it up, it'll give him something pointless and impossible to be distracted by because oh my fuck he is annoying me asking to be put on missions."

And then over the line the shadow with a lot of clothes suddenly butted in and was partly visible but cut off by the phone's limited range of shadow hologram display (the cave can display much more shadow). "YES PLEASE I AM A GOOD FIGHTER I WANT TO PARTICIPATE!"

"OKAY IT'S ALUCARD TIME!" Alucard shouted. "UNLEASH HECK ON THE BADGUYS!" And he dashed over and cut the telephone pole with his vampire claws, forcing Luke out of hiding. The Leader hologram stayed there. Not because of a sign of badassery, but because he wasn't really there, just a hologram. It wasn't like that joke on Futurama of Hermes getting carried away by the bird. You can't hurt a person through the hologram, that's silly. Anyway, when Alucard did this, he also made a lot of eyes and mouths appear on him and his body broke to shadow mass.

"OKAY NOW I AM CONVINCED!" Luke said with a grin. "YOU REALLY ARE A POWERFUL VAMPIRE AND GOOD WEAPON! YOU'RE JUST WEIRD! LIKE MY BROTHER! NOW WE'LL FIGHT! ALSO JUST LIKE MY BROTHER, I HATE HIM!"

"But is weirdness really unacceptable?" Alucard asked philosophically.

Then Luke activated his super speed. It looked like he vanished in this orange light that zig-zagged around, and then suddenly a lot of blue lights representing his knife moves were everywhere. Then Alucard was cut up in to a lot of pieces, just like the others guards from before that Luke was killing at the beginning! Luke smirked.

"So if I understand it right, I have to take out your lives." He said. "Well, I know that a vampire has those lives connected to their coffin! SO I KNOW WHAT I'M GOING AFTER! I'M HEADING BACK TO THE MANSION!"

He zoomed off, just as Alucard regenerated. Thankfully this time he regenerated the soap bubbles stayed on him so he wasn't indecent exposure so nobody laughed at him. Spoilers, but Alucard was laughed at a lot and unfairly.

"OH NO!" Shouted Alucard, who ran after him with his own super speed, "Also it's manor not mansion manor is what our old enemies Heavensing use." But again, Luke's was better, and he taunted Alucard as he outran him, shouting

"YOU'RE TOO SLOW!" Luke said (Sorry I have to paragraph break when a different character talks).

It was faster and easier for Walter to cure the poison since he was familiar with Jan's poisons. But it still wasn't fast because Jan was using new poisons! So he needed to get new tools! Walter groaned.

Eventually, by this point Seras was having the poison spread all over, and almost to her heart (Walter needed to save her before it killed her) and all over the rest of her body, but Walter soon put a syringe in her neck. Seras coughed and got up, and then faded back to her normal skin color and was looking less skeletal. (Vampires are not skeletons, mostly, though there can be hybrids.)

"There you're cured." Said Walter.

"Okay."

"You know, with Anderson, you had Alucard to help you, you couldn't fight him alone. And here, with Jan Valentine, you had me to bail you out. But you can't keep relying on others forever. You may be put on a solo mission - Integra REALLY likes doing that - and will then have to fight for yourself."

"I'm... trying my best..."

"Well try harder. Actually this Jan guy could be good practice. He's heading to Integra, hurry, we must face him before Integra kills him and you don't get a chance to fight him."

And then they began running. But since Walter's chemical lab was burried deep underground in Hecksing manor, they had to go up a huge flight of stairs (no elevator for security purposes. Also fires start there a lot, and in case of fire, use stairs, not elevator). Then Walter put a chakra string on a handrail way high up and slung himself up like spiderman.

"You know, full vampires can also fly." Said Walter. "So learn that too. Alucard can teach you."

"Dammit." Said Seras. She had to walk up a huge flight of stairs!

Luke went back in Hecksing Manor, and then went to Alucard's basement, and inside the chambers. There, unguarded (because the Brothers killed all the guards so it's not bad writing), was the Coffin... Luke smirked, and took out holy water to dip his knives in more.

"This will yes!" Luke said.

"BUT WHAT ABOUT NO?!" Alucard's voice... when Alucard wasn't around.

But then that noise heard when you activate car keys and a car beeps played, and headlights shone in the distance. It was Alucard's tank! He could use telekinesis on it and link up with the radio to speak through it!

Luke gritted his teeth as the tank activated on its own and charged after him running in to him and knocking him, also breaking through out the basement, going up the stairs, and tearing through several walls of the Hecksing Manor. (It wasn't as many stairs as Walter's lab.) When it reached the end, Luke was sent falling off of the tank's front and rolled around the ground like Brian Griffin or Velma getting hit by a car. Luke then looked and saw a sign that said "INTEGRA'S OFFICE: THAT WAY NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS," and smirked. The distraction of the tank lasted long enough for Alucard to catch up, he was floating across the ground like how Cloud moves in Smash Bros., and when he got there he put his hands on his knees and panted, tired from running.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOUR BOSS AND MASTER NOW!" Said Luke.

"Oops."

Luke stumbled to get up so he couldn't use his super speed yet. Alucard took advantage of that to try to shoot him, but he just pointed a finger gun instead and went "Bang," then he realized.

"OH NO I LEFT MY GUN THE JACKEL IN MY CLOTHES AND I LEFT MY CLOTHES IN MY COFFIN AND MY COFFIN IN THE BASEMENT!" Then he looked at the tank. "Wait I have the tank still."

He jumped in the tank.

BOOM. Alucard fired a giant blast that blew up a lot of the Hecksing Manor's walls and left an open spot showing Integra behind a desk, with a lot of guards holding guns, and Integra was also holding a gun! She turned to Alucard, annoyed.

"Do you mind?!" She asked.

"Sorry Master."

The blast also stunned Luke more. He tried getting up, but Alucard jumped back out of the tank and got between Luke and Integra. Luke tried to knife Alucard in the neck, but then a lot of shadow mass shot out along with the blood, but more shadow mass shot and began forming a lot of eyes and mouths. Then Alucard also grew in size and became this scary eyeball monster.

"Okay now you threaten Integra I'm going to go serious. I'm now from Level 5 to Level 4. The lower the number, the scarier I am. I'm not sure why. Is it because we're vampires and undead and thus do things the opposite of the living?"

Luke screamed. "OKAY NOW I'M STARTING TO REGRET TRYING TO FIGHT YOU! I DON'T CARE IF THE MILLENNIUM SENDS THE CAPTAIN, I'M RUNNING!"

He left again! Alucard also tried chasing with his own super speed, but was again losing him! Alucard got really annoyed, but then the Chekhov's Gun of this episode showed up, a soap bar, from a soap store that they ran past when the chase scene brought them back in to London. (They ran for a while I just cut it out to avoid filler.) Alucard grabbed a soap, said "Put it on my tab" since he was naked and thus didn't have wallet (well he had the censor bubbles but you can't put a wallet in that, I tried believe me), and he threw the soap. Luke slipped on it like a banana pill and by that point they were by a bowling alley so Luke ended up sliding and falling down the runway and knocked all the pins down. Alucard got a strike, and because he stole the final game of someone else, it was 300, so a giant 300 banner appeared and made Alucard very happy.

"300!" Alucard shouted. "THIS IS SPARTA!"

And then when Luke tried coming back up from the back part of the bowling pins (is that called the backrooms?) Alucard kicked him in for the 300 reference. But then he reached in with a big shadow hand and grabbed Luke out.

"YOU ARE HECKSING'S DOG!" Luke shouted.

"IF I AM A DOG YOU ARE A CAT! AND THIS IS TOM AND JERRY!"

And then Alucard turned in to a giant mouth and ate Luke. But then he heard a gun click. It was that guy from the Big Lebowski (I don't know much about this except that bowling is involved and he treats it seriously). The guy with the sunglasses and facial hair.

"HEY!" He shouted. "THERE'S BOWLING RULES AND YOU BROKE THEM! THAT WAS MY GAME, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY 300! NOW YOU WILL PAY!"

Alucard was still snickering at the coincidence (unless Bowling was invented by Sparta in which case I apologize for being culturally insensitive). "This is Sparta, haha..." He said to himself.

Then Lebowski (right?) shot Alucard a bunch of times rapid fire.

"BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR BRR!" Alucard shouted as he was being shot all over.

While Jan saw the blown open hole in the wall he wanted to be more clever and asshole. So he knocked on the door.

"Knock knock." Jan said.

Integra Heck doesn't fuck around though! Instead of playing the joke, she said "Welcome to Hecksing!" and she and her remaining guards blasted with rapid gunfire through the door, shooting up Jan very badly! (Not as bad as Alucard.) Jan fell slumped over and defeated. Also the zombies behind him, the last of the zombies, were killed from the holy gunfire.

"Okay I think we're done here." Integra said. She walked over and lifted Jan up by the neck. "Now, tell me everything. If you're lucky, it will be before Alucard gets here and interrogates you with torture. Or Walter gets here and does to your balls what he did to your hand."

"Why are ALL the important people naked?"

"You attacked us during a shower!"

"Oh. When we group shower we make sure to get dressed in an invasion. I do because Rip's behavior makes me a little uncomfortable. She's too horny for someone that's supposed to be nonsexual shower cleaning. :( Anyway, fuck you, you're not getting answers."

He pricked Integra with the sword, making her weaken and drop him, and then spun around and slashed off the heads of all the guards! He would have also cut off Integra's head but she ducked on time. (It's a callback/karma to when Jan ducked.)

Then as the poison spread through Integra she still reached in her safe and got a handgun, one with HIGHLY exploding bullets, thinking Oh what the heck, the manor's battered up enough as-is, what's another explosion? But then Jan ran! He said "BEWARE THE MILLENNIUM!" Before running and jumping out of one of the few windows that remained in Hecksing Manor! (I don't think you need to paragraph break if it's one character thinking and another character talking.)

"Damn! He got away!" Said Integra. She looked at the security cameras, but Jan had on their way in already drew on them to cover them. Specifically it was pictures of Dickbutt, and he filled the rest of the empty space with white all over. He used his super reflexes to draw that fast while walking to the manor.

However when Jan landed, the Doctor of the Millennium was standing there, waiting. He was rubbing his hands together and said, "I was going to kill you for failing me and running away like a coward, but with your missing arm this will be perfect for my latest invention. What's say you take that invention and test it out...? Hehehehe?"

"Well I'd rather get some more killing power and fuck stuff up than be killed so sure you have a deal!" Jan said.

Back in the Manor, Walter jumped in with Seras and since he still had some antedote left and saw the poison spreading on Integra, he cured her. Also he gave her a cigar.

"Thanks Walter. Vampire poison is a bitch." She then turned to Seras and explained, "I have become immune to normal poison by practicing by ingesting very little amounts of it to build up resistance. Unfortunately you can't do the same thing with vampire poison. You know the saying 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?' Vampire poison just kills you."

"Unless you cure it on time." Said Walter.

"Smartass..." Integra shook her head.

Then Alucard emerged from the floor. "Hi." He said. He had regenerated from the Lebowski guy shooting him, although it took a while, and he escaped when Lebowski(?) ran out of bullets.

"AND YOU!" Shouted Integra. "YOUR TANK CAUSED MORE DAMAGE TO THE MANOR THAN ANYTHING THOSE MARIO BROTHERS EXCEPT WITH VALENTINE INSTEAD OF MARIO DID!"

"They have super speed so a better joke would be the Sonic Brothers..." Alucard said.

"THERE IS NO SONIC BROTHERS YOU DUMBASS! UNLESS YOU COUNT SONIC UNDERGROUND, BUT MOST PEOPLE HATE IT!"

"I liked it..." Said Seras.

"I DID TOO BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! ALUCARD, YOU BROKE WALLS, DEMOLISHED A LOT, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE SAW YOUR PENIS! BAD VAMPIRE BEHAVIOR! SERAS DID BETTER AND SHE WAS USELESS IN THE FIGHT!"

"...Is this the part where you say 'But you still did a good job?'" Alucard asked.

"NO! PAY REDUCTION IS NOW CERTAIN!"

"D'OH!"

"AND YOU'LL HAVE TO REBUILD!"

"Um more importantly," said Walter, "everybody but the four of us died in that fight."

"Jan fucking didn't sadly." Integra shook her head.

"Well I mean of our organization. Hecksing is mostly wiped out. We need replacements."

"Urgh."

"I'm on it." Said Alucard.

"No. I punished you enough, and the deaths aren't your fault." Integra said. "Walter and I will handle this."

"And me?" Said Seras.

"Just relax, mission cleared I guess. You can take a break and stuff since you had a near-death experience. Actually, I have a headache, let's just relax for a moment first before moving on."

So then Hecksing decided to watch TV.

"Some bowler guy hates me for messing up his game." Said Alucard.

"We'll deal with that later." Said Integra.

This was the TV:

Ren and Stimpy were at dinner.

"THIS IS A GOOD SANDWICH STIMPY!" Said Ren. "I ESPECIALLY LIKE THE MAYONASE!"

"THAT. NOT. MAYONASE!" Said Stimpy. (Getting Carp Past the Radar! Er, now TV Tropes is changing that. But uh, this was snuck by the censors in-universe so it still qualifies.)

And then Ren stared at Stimpy like "Dude what the fuck is wrong with you." Stimpy had fed gross stuff before, but that was just too much.

I know that in the since from the original writing Red and Stimpy was under fire for some things (and is also not made by Matt Greoning I thought it was from the cameo in a Simpsons episode sorry) but I just had to remaster this scene from the original because it's a classic.

Alucard, Integra, Walter, and Seras laughed.

"It's good that we're now all established together as Hecksing, whether sunlight or rain!" Said Alucard cheerfully.

"Yes there may be hope for us after all." Said Integra.

"Um what if there isn't...?" Asked Walter suspiciously.

"Shut up. There is hope." Said Integra.

"I have to pee." Said Alucard, getting off the couch. But then he slipped on another bar of soap, and flew, all the way back in to London City, and then he fell off in the Krusty Burger and smacked his body on the window!

"PENIS?!" Said Ned Flanders because Hecksing's main four (or so you think...) still didn't get dressed-

Wait.

That was the one Simpsons character I killed so far so I couldn't re-create the scene from the movie. So that joke is impossible.

Nevermind.

But at the end... Lebowski stood outside Hecksing manor!

"ALUCARD BADGUY I GIVE YOU THE MARK OF SHAME! YOU DEFILED THE RULES OF BOWLING! YOU MAY HAVE TURNED IN TO SHADOW MASS AND ESCAPED BEFORE, BUT I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN!" He shouted threateningly.

"You will become my BITCH!"

Closing AN:

Yes yes I know that the character the narrative calls "Lebowski" is actually named Walter. Don't worry, the story itself will "correct" this.

Anyway a lot of this was spitballed and the whole rough draft was written the day after I was done with posting Chapter 1. I wanted to try to go for a fun little "extention" of the original Chapter 2, a recurring theme of this really. (Except for maybe Chapters 8 and 9, if not the entire second "half" from 8 onwards; 8 was long enough as-is and 9... well, that might be redone entirely.)

So up next will be where this stops being a "prettified" version of the original and where we see some changes! Big changes! I mean, the old HUC already started out as a derivative of the OVAs before going off to its own thing, this is sort of doing that too, but with the old version.

Fun fact the whole "Integra ducks is a callback to when Jan ducked" wasn't actually planned at first. I just wrote the two scenes in my rough draft, and it was during my quick readover when I got to Jan ducking under Walter's wires/"chakra strings" that I realized that, yeah, they both duck. I guess in a sense that means my alter-ego is smarter than me and better with the throwbacks and stuff.