(✉️➡️sms) My life would be so much easier without you.
Eve snaps out of her reverie when Stacey slams her pint of beer down with more force than is necessary, spilling it over the sides.
"Hey, stop wasting precious alcohol!" she says, gingerly reaching to pick it up.
"Be grateful you're not wearing it. I've been calling you for five minutes from the bar and you didn't so much as flinch. I could have been dancing on the bar naked and you wouldn't have noticed."
Eve tries for a cheeky grin. "No, I definitely would have noticed that. Beautiful women never escape my notice. I am very appreciative of fine art."
Stacey throws a packet of crisps at her. Ready salted. "Yeah, right. And that's what you get for not answering me on whether you'd prefer salt and vinegar or cheese and onion." She re-takes her seat and grabs her wine glass, gaze wandering in the same direction that Eve's has been treacherously straying ever since Stacey got up to go to the bar. Her expression darkens. "Oh, now I get it."
Eve doesn't bother denying it. What's the point? Stacey would never believe it anyway, and she'd only be lying to both herself and her best friend, and when has that ever done any good? So she raises her pint to her lips and takes a deep draught.
Suki and Nish sit two tables along. She hadn't been expecting to see them tonight. It's caught her off-guard, and it's always so much more difficult to regain her equilibrium after such a gut punch.
She knows Suki doesn't want him. Tries to cling to the knowledge that Suki is in love with her, that she's finally admitted that despite her fear, she is ready to start forging forward with a plan that will mean that one day in the future, Nish will be gone for good and they can spend the rest of their lives together. Free. Open. Unashamed.
But even knowing all of that, it still doesn't make it any easier to watch her living the charade, seeing Nish's smug face, the possessive hand he places on her, as if daring anyone else to look. The way he swaggers around as if he owns the whole square, as if he owns her. Suki and Vinny are only useful to him in the capacity of his image as the head of the family. He's happy to let Kheerat rot in prison because Kheerat was not afraid to challenge him, and certainly wouldn't stand for the way that his mum and younger brother are treated—it's why Eve is determined to uphold her promise of protecting Suki as much as she can, because Kheerat had entrusted her with it, that secret knowledge that they were the two people in the whole world who cared about her happiness. Ash would have been a stain on the family name if she'd been defiant enough to stick around and fall in love with a woman—Eve doesn't even know if Nish is aware of his daughter's sexuality. She doubts he would have been as accepting as he likes to pretend to be. At least with Suki there had been a reason for it. As for Vinny…he's the runt of the litter, too soft to be a proper Panesar. Even Ravi is influenced by his desire to be acknowledged, for Nish to be proud of his son. Eve doesn't like the young man—there's something slimy and disingenuous about him—but she at least has empathy for the childhood that has shaped him.
Stacey opens her bag of crisps—salt and vinegar. She crunches on them for a moment, washes them down with a swig of wine, then says, "If you keep looking over there, he's gonna wonder what the hell is wrong with you. You're hardly subtle, mate. You've got the biggest puppy dog eyes going."
Eve realises that her gaze has strayed again, and hastily averts it back to her best friend. "No, you're right. And it's date night. I should be paying attention to my beautiful wife. You look incredible, by the way."
Stacey laughs. "If only a few men would pay me compliments like that!"
"Men are morons," Eve says nonchalantly. They clink their glasses together in a toast.
But even as Stacey launches into a story about the creepy bloke who came up to the van earlier and asked if he could inspect her baps for himself, Eve finds her attention wandering disloyally away, latching onto the woman she loves. The woman she wishes she could be sitting with now, tucked up cosily together, sharing intimate conversation, uncaring of who might look and see them.
She thinks of them in Leeds together, just a few weeks ago, when they had sat in a bar together and Suki had been the one to reach out and take her hand, and kept holding it despite the tremble. Another step closer to the edge of the void, another step forward into a future that was just out of reach, as tantalising as the apple in the in the tales of old.
She knows that Suki is done with running. That she wants to stay in Walford to prove to her that she means what she says this time, that in time, when Nish is gone, they can walk down the street together and let all of their neighbours see that they're together. That they're in love. Eve herself has finally found a home and a family for herself, after spending so many years of her life in nomadic exile. It would be a wrench to leave the Slaters behind, especially Stacey, who means more to her than almost anyone she's ever known.
But, selfishly, she wishes that Leeds could be permanent. That they could move to a place where no one knew them or cared about their pasts. Where Suki didn't have to be afraid of the community, or play happy families with a man she despised.
Where they could be permanently happy.
"Eve!"
Nish's voice breaks through her musings and stops Stacey's anecdote mid-flow. They look across to find him standing as if he's calling a dog to heel. Suki looks uncomfortable beside him, but Eve does her best not to look at her.
"Hey, Nish," she says. "What's up?"
"Why don't you join me and my wife for a drink?"
Stacey pulls a face akin to finding a dead rat in a cupboard. "No, ta. Me and my wife are enjoying a date night."
Eve shoots her a grateful grin. She knows Stacey's motives are partially selfish—she'd rather crawl through broken glass than spend time with the Panesars—but she's so protective, too. She's never had anyone stick up for her so ferociously before, or someone so loyal. In the dark months of uncertainty when Suki had blown hot and cold like the British weather, Stacey's steadfast support and willingness to fight on her behalf had meant more than she will ever be able to put into words.
"You're the lesbian rottweiler, I'm the little yapping terrier!" Stacey had laughed, slinging her arm around her shoulder. "I'm always going to have your back, mate. Even when you go and do nutty things like falling in love with that shrew, Suki Panesar."
"My wife's spoken," Eve says now, raising her glass. "Sorry, maybe another time." She'll have to start brainstorming a list of excuses so that that eventuality never occurs. The thought of having to sit there with them, watching him put a possessive hand around Suki's shoulders or on her knee, listening to him drip disingenuous praise about his wife, never even giving her agency through her own name…
Nish's expression flickers. She ought to have foreseen that. He expects to get his own way in everything, for the world to bend to his will. "Sham wife, you mean. It's not a proper marriage, and it's not a proper date, is it?"
Suki glances up, part-apologetic, part-exasperated. "Leave it, Nish. There's no need for that. It's none of our business."
"Listen to your wife," Stacey sneers. "At least she's keeping her opinions to herself for once."
"Stace," Eve warns. "Don't."
Nish's lips peel back in a poor approximation of a smile. "And you'd be wise to listen to yours. Or have you forgotten who pays her wages? Seems like it's one of the few things keeping a roof over your head at the moment."
"Yeah, and one of the reasons for that is because you put the rent up again! What's the matter, you not got enough money with the hundred businesses you already run? You need to crush us under your shoe to make you feel like you're summink special? Because lemme tell you somethin', you ain't. And one day, you're gonna see that for yourself."
"Stacey, that's enough," Eve hisses.
Nish narrows his eyes at them. "Well, let's hope there isn't another rent raise coming anytime soon, because otherwise you'll be out on your ear when you can't pay. And let's hope we continue to have enough business to keep Eve employed."
"Nish—" Suki begins, but is silenced with a look.
Eve feels her own temper begin to rise, simmering just beneath the surface. She'd thought she was getting better at mastering it, but lately it seems she's never far away from a self-destructive explosion. It's not good, and it's not healthy. She'd like nothing more than to stand up and give that smug, arrogant arsehole a good punch.
But she can't. She can't.
The only way to keep close to Suki is through this employment. If Nish gets rid, that final lifeline, those trips to Leeds, will be gone. There would be no need for them to spend time together, as far as Nish would be concerned, and they'd never get a moment together again. Eve isn't stupid. She's noticed the way that he whisks Suki away the moment he thinks she's getting too comfortable. It's just another way that he controls her; isolating her, ensuring she has no friends and no support network.
Well, she's not about to let that happen, even if Suki refuses to see how deep she's in sometimes.
So she swallows all of that frustration and turns to Stacey. "We need to leave. Now. Wait for me outside."
Stacey gives her a disbelieving look. "You can't be serious."
"I am. Deadly. Seriously, Stace. Go, now."
Stacey glowers at her for a moment more before pushing her stool out with such force that it clatters to the floor behind her. Conversation dies as other patrons crane their necks to see who's causing a commotion. Stacey ignores them, striding out and slamming the door behind her.
Eve forces the words from her throat. "Look, Nish, I'm really sorry about her. I don't know what's got into her. There's just a lot going on at the moment, but she shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I'll have a word with her, yeah? Please don't stop me working with you. The money is generous and it really helps."
"Course we're not going to fire you," Suki says quickly.
Nish shoots her a sharp look—Eve can tell he doesn't appreciate Suki speaking up. But he relents after a moment's agonising pause. "I'll let it slide. This time. I won't be so forgiving the next. I expect respect from the people who work for me. You've already tested my patience by pushing your nose into a family matter that was no concern of yours. Now your wife is getting mouthy. You're good at what you do, but you're not indispensable. If I have to replace you, I will. Got that?"
"Loud and clear," Eve says. She's trembling. Doesn't look in Suki's direction for fear of her emotions getting the better of her. "And I'll speak to Stacey, I swear."
"That's the advantage of a real marriage over a sham one," Nish says, reaching for Suki's hand on the table. "We're a partnership in all ways. You and Stacey just don't have that. And it makes her think she can do whatever she likes."
Is that a challenge? A taunt? Eve doesn't think that Nish does have any idea about the love affair happening right under his very nose, but he disconcerts her sometimes.
Nish turns to Suki. "Isn't that right, darling?" He's waiting for her answer, for her support.
Suki's gaze strays to Eve briefly before darting away. "Yes," she parrots, on command. "It's nothing like a real marriage."
Nish squeezes her hand in approval. There's a lump in Eve's throat. She knows that Suki doesn't mean it, is only saying it to keep Nish happy, but it doesn't stop the wave of anger and anguish. Anguish because even though she knows Suki has to, it still hurts her to hear her siding with Nish. Anger at him for reducing Suki to this, to a meek little woman when the real Suki is filled with so much fight and belligerence, the strongest, most infuriating, beautiful woman she has ever known.
She deserves the chance to blossom, not to be trapped in the dark and deprived of all sustenance until she withers away.
"Right, well," she says, doing her best to contain her emotions. "I'm off. Enjoy the rest of your evening."
She doesn't wait for the reply, heading for the door. She can feel Suki's gaze lingering on her.
Cool air slaps her in the face as she steps onto the square, a welcome relief after the stuffy, oppressive atmosphere of the pub.
"What the bloody hell was all that about?" comes Stacey's voice from her left. She turns to find her wife leaning sulkily against the pub's brickwork, arms crossed over her chest in a combative stance. She's spoiling for a fight.
The frayed edges of Eve's own temper are held together by the thinnest of threads now, threatening to snap under the immense weight any moment. Her hands ball into fists, her short nails cutting into her palms.
"Me? What about you? We will turn into Romeo and Juliet if you insist on turning us and them into the Montagues and Capulets!"
Stacey glares at her. "All of that's on you, not me. You knew it was stupid to get involved and keep on getting involved, but you did it anyway. I get it, to some extent. You fell in love. God knows how, but it happened. But you knew about her baggage before that. You knew she was married. You knew she'd sooner die than let anyone know that she might be attracted to a woman. Look how she was with poor Ash."
"It's not as simple as that! You can't just undo a lifetime of prejudices overnight!"
Stacey's look is unsympathetic. "A year, Eve. That's how long you've been tailing around after her like a sad little puppy desperate for acknowledgment from its master. And no matter how many times she kicks you, you keep going back for more. I admire your loyalty, I do. It's a sweet trait to have. But not to the point where it makes you blind."
"You don't understand," Eve says. "You don't know everything."
"I know that her husband's been back almost a year now. I know that she doesn't seem to be any closer to leaving him, no matter what you say. Is that what you really want? To skulk in the shadows for the rest of your life, missing out on opportunities to be happy just in case she one day decides to throw you a bone? To spend the rest of your life living on dirty weekends in Leeds and then coming home to watch her slip back into her life with her husband?"
Eve turns away, her throat so tight with emotion that she fears she'll choke on it. Tears burn.
Because, treacherous though it is, deep down she's been thinking the exact same thing as her wife.
It's how she's spent so much of her life, isn't it? The other woman, never enough, always second best. Always destined to be left behind for a better offer. Never enough for anyone.
She believes Suki when she says that she loves her. But a part of her also cannot shake the disquiet. That there will always be a reason for them not to be together. If it's not Nish, then there's something else. Her standing in the community, where she would surely be ostracised and shunted. The businesses she would lose because of that. The gossip on the square. What her kids would think.
Eve doesn't know if she can compete with all of that. If what they have is enough for them to make it. In the face of all that adversity, she feels so small and helpless.
Barely keeping her head above water. On the verge of drowning any moment.
How lungs feel too tight. Christ, she isn't going to have a panic attack, is she? That really would take the fucking biscuit.
She forces herself to focus on taking deep breaths, tipping her head back to look at the winking stars overhead. It doesn't really help. Only reinforces how small and insignificant she is in the vastness of the universe, particles of dust that will one day scatter to the wind, leaving no imprint behind. No impact.
She needs to get away. Just for a moment.
"Oi!" Stacey calls after her as she turns on her heel and starts walking. "Where are you going!?"
She doesn't answer.
Oh, the irony of her running away from her own feelings.
Stacey shouts something else after her, but her brain is too saturated to process it.
Her feet take her as far as the Albert. Drink always helps—in the sense that if she gets rat-arsed enough to not remember her own name, she sure as hell isn't going to remember any heartache.
The music pounds her aching skull. Felix is serving behind the bar, and she goes all in, lining up two beers alongside three whiskeys to warm her up.
"Women trouble, honey?" he asked sympathetically as she knocks back her first whiskey, relishing the burn in her throat.
"You have no idea," she replies, lips curling in a grimace.
"In that case, have that one on the house."
"Cheers, mate."
She knocks back her second, then her third, takes her two beers over to an abandoned table littered with other empties. From this vantage point, she observes the room. So many happy couples, unashamed in who they are. A few singles, who give her dazzling smiles. Before Suki, she could have bagged any one of them—she's always been blessed with charm.
That's the problem. That's what her life has become. Two compartments. Before Suki. After Suki. She's never known anyone like her before, and she doesn't think she ever will again. Somehow, the exasperating, sardonic, hard-faced, insufferable, beautiful ice queen has ruined all other women for her. Even if she wanted to, she doesn't think she could move on. How many times has she said she's done with it all, only to fall straight back into her arms? The moment she says it, the pain in her chest is unimaginable. The idea of them being through for good.
it's too painful to stay. But it hurts even more to leave. She's stuck in this endless cycle, the doomed Sisyphus.
In her pocket, her phone buzzes. She'd rather ignore it, but it could be Stacey, wanting to know where she's got to. She's angry with her best mate, but she wouldn't want her to worry, either.
It's not Stacey.
It's Suki. Of course it is.
Nish has just gone to the bar for more drinks. I'm so sorry about that. I hope you're okay.
Eve powers the screen off without replying. What's the point? Nish could be back any moment, and they can't risk him seeing. And if she does reply...well, it will disappear into the ether like a supernova, as if it had never existed in the first place. Suki will have already cleared the evidence of her concern.
She takes a gulp of her beer instead.
She doesn't know how long she sits there, nursing her drink and watching the world move on without her. Happy couples conversing. Kissing. Thankful to be with one another. Unapologetic.
There's a blonde over at the bar who has been eyeing her with interest for the past half an hour. When Eve rises, she makes a beeline for her, intercepting her path.
"You all alone tonight?" she says. "Why don't I buy you a drink, you can join me and my friends."
Eve glances over at said friends, giggling and giving encouraging thumbs-up. She takes in the blonde's hopeful grin. How good it would be to put this whole mess aside for a few hours.
She thinks of Suki. Of that slightly crooked grin reserved only for her, the dark eyes that soften whenever they're alone, the quick, acerbic wit that drew her in like a moth to the flame.
Of soft, gentle fingers combing through her hair, of the murmured affections imprinted upon her skin under the cover of darkness, the lax, languid body pressed against her own, the kisses tattooed against her heart.
Believe that I love you.
She's in far too deep to set it all alight. And it would never be fair to hurt Suki just because she is hurting. Suki doesn't really have a choice when it comes to sleeping with Nish. She's not doing it to be cruel.
Eve does have a choice not to sleep around. There hasn't been anyone else since last September, and she doesn't want to face the guilt and betrayal if she does something reckless and stupid in the cloud of pain.
"I've had enough for one evening," she says now, trying for a smile.
"Oh," says the woman. "Maybe some other time, then."
Eve holds up her hand, letting her see her wedding ring. "I'm already taken, I'm afraid." The ring might only be a symbol of her sham marriage, but it doesn't diminish the truth of her words.
She leaves the woman behind, looking disappointed. A quick glance at her phone tells her that she really ought to head on home. She needs to face Stacey's wrath before the morning, when even the heat of the van wouldn't be able to thaw a frosty atmosphere.
Resigned, she starts making her way back across the square, intending to cut through the garden to number thirty-one.
And stops short when she nears the Panesar house.
Looks like they stayed until kicking-out time tonight. And, judging by the way that Nish has got Suki in the alcove, he doesn't seem intent on just going to bed. His hands, possessive on her waist, mouth insistent on hers...
Bile floods Eve's throat, threatening to choke her. She ducks her head. She can't watch that. It's far too much. Far too uncomfortable. Knowing that it's happening is bad enough. Seeing it is a whole new level of torture.
But her footsteps must alert them to her presence. Nish calls after her as she crosses the street. It takes every ounce of willpower she has to acknowledge him.
"Not managed to smooth things over with your wife yet, then?"
"Thought I'd give her a chance to cool off first," she manages, alarmed by the way her voice cracks like broken glass. "I'm heading over there to talk to her now."
"You've cottoned on to one of the golden rules, then. Never go to bed on an argument. We never have. Have we, Sukhwinder?"
"No," she murmurs dutifully. She's not looking at Eve. Feeling guilty, no doubt, that she stumbled across them like that together, already knowing how difficult she finds it to know what's happening behind closed doors. "It's late, Nish. Leave Eve to head on home."
He smiles, showing off his perfect, even white teeth. The shark's smile. Charismatic. Dangerous. "Of course, darling." He slides his hand down to Suki's backside. Possessive.
"Enjoy your night," Eve manages.
"Oh, we will," is Nish's self-satisfied response.
Tears cloud her vision, and she has to hold her breath to stop herself from sobbing as she hears the Panesar door open behind her. Suki will be naked in her husband's arms and she's left out here alone.
She makes it as far as Arthur Fowler's bench before the tears breach their prison. Sobs convulse her whole body, and she collapses onto the bench, clutching her head in her hands. She can't go home in this state. Jean and Harvey will wonder what the hell has gone on, and they can't know.
She feels so lonely.
Lights switch on upstairs in number forty-one. Nish appears at the window of the bedroom. He pauses before closing the curtains, seemingly scanning for something; Eve realises it's her when he offers her a cheery wave and another charming smile before closing her out of the Panesar's bedroom activity.
At this moment, Eve has no idea if Nish is playing games, if he is goading her into doing something stupid, if he knows anything at all, either on her part or Suki's. They're not always as subtle as they ought to be: Eve finds it almost impossible not to light up when Suki smiles in her direction, or if they stop to exchanges subtle flirtations on the square. Maybe he suspects that she has a crush on his wife.
But if he did, Eve doubts he would let them spend so much time together, never mind the time he doesn't know about, where she'll come up with any excuse possible to visit the shop and spend five minutes in her lover's company. And trips alone to Leeds would certainly be off the cards.
Why does it even matter, anyway? It doesn't change the present. He's in there with Suki, and she's out in the cold, imagination polluted with what they're doing. Fresh tears brew.
Her phone pings again. This time it is Stacey.
Where are you? I know you're sulking but you could at least let me know where you are so I don't have to worry about that on top of everything else. Text me.
Stacey's still in a mood, then. Wonderful. She was prepared to deal with it a few minutes ago, but now everything is so raw again, a fresh wound exposed to salt. Wiping her nose on her sleeve, she manages to compose a reply.
Sorry. I'm fine. Won't be long. No need to wait up, but we can speak in the morning. I do mean it when I say I'm sorry. I don't want to fight with you. You're my best mate.
That done, she moves on to Suki's text messages, stares at the words from earlier in the evening.
I hope you're okay.
"No," she says aloud, voice trembling. I'm not sure when I will be again."
For a moment, Eve sits there, letting the seismic vastness of everything expand around her. That inescapable weight of insignificance, the helplessness she feels, a spectator in her own life.
On impulse, she begins to type.
My life would be so much easier without you.
Her thumb hovers over the 'send' icon.
And then she sighs, closing it. It's still there, a draft, in stark black and white. The most truthful she has been all evening.
But she can't bring herself to send it. To put those words out there. To speak the truth and inflict more hurt and guilt on Suki, when she's already struggling. It's her own fault. She always does this. Gets in too deep with situations she ought to be wise enough to avoid.
Stacey's scathing assessment echoes in her mind: Do you always lust after the most unobtainable women?
There's so much she wants. To have a proper girlfriend, the chance of a proper marriage one day, a proper relationship where she can be open and happy. It's Nish's goading that echoes in her mind now, provoking her with the insult of not having that. Of not finding a woman crazy enough to love her.
But she has that. His own wife. Those words uttered to her on the very same day for the very first time, mere hours after his condescending belittlement.
Reiterated the evening that Suki returned from the police station, along with the greatest admission of all: that she is scared of living a life without her. That one day Nish will be gone for good.
Whispered to her so many times since, in their little Leeds bubble, muffled against her cheek, breathed in her ear, escaping at the height of passion.
I love you.
The sound of a door opening startles Eve from her agonised musings. It's the quietest of creaks, as if the offender doesn't want anyone to hear. In the wee hours of the morning, it's unlikely.
Her stomach swoops when she realises that the sound came from the Panesar's door, and that there is a shadowy figure sneaking out onto the street.
Suki.
She strides purposefully across the square, in slippers and a coat, and Eve is struck dumb by how beautiful she looks, features softened by the curls that cascade down her back.
"Have you been sitting out here all this time?" Suki whispers when she reaches her.
Confused, Eve checks the time on her phone. Almost one in the morning. She hadn't realised she'd lost so much time to her woe.
"Oh," she says, perplexed. "Yeah, I guess so."
"And you must be freezing."
"You know me, I never feel the cold. Tough northerner, aren't I?"
Suki glances over her shoulder at the house, before looking back to Eve. "Can I sit?"
Eve shrugs. "It's a free country."
Suki rolls her eyes, but nudges Eve to budge up. She capitulates, making room for her to squeeze on beside her. They're so close that their thighs press together.
After a heartbeat, Eve softens her tone. As anguished and miserable as she is right now, she doesn't want Suki putting herself in a compromising position that would make Nish suspicious of her.
"You shouldn't be here," she says. "If Nish realises you're missing…"
"He's sleeping like the dead," Suki dismisses.
Eve's mouth twists; the words escape before she can stop them. "All that fun has worn him out, has it?"
Suki looks at her with those dark eyes. "Is that what this is about?"
She huffs, a sardonic, bitter sound. "I'd rather it not be rubbed in my face, I can't deny that."
For a moment, Suki doesn't say anything; she offers peace by turning her palm up against Eve's knee. "We didn't."
"What?" Eve looks down at her hand. Suki is waiting for her to take it. She wants to, so badly. But she can't. Not here. Not in front of the house.
"I couldn't," Suki says. "Not knowing that you were hurting."
Nish had been expecting sex, that much had been obvious. "I bet he wasn't pleased."
"He wasn't," Suki admits. "But there wasn't much he could do. I took your advice."
"What advice?"
"Told him I've got thrush."
Blinking, Eve tries to process the absurdity of that statement coming out of Suki Panesar's mouth. She seems far too prim to say such things.
Then again, there are a lot of things that Suki Panesar says that Eve never would have expected to hear. Even she had been taken aback by just how vocal Suki is with her wants and desires, a tigress unchained. She is a very active, enthusiastic participant in their lovemaking.
She can't help it now. Her lips twitch. "He must have been thrilled."
"Nish has no interest in knowing how a woman's body works. He was put off pretty quickly."
"I can imagine." She can: Nish is arrogant and self-centred; she has no doubt that the mere mention of a woman's bodily functions would be repulsive to him. She has no doubt that he has no clue what a wonderful instrument it can be too, the sounds and motions that can be evoked when it's worked by a master hand.
"I'm sorry for what he said," Suki says softly. "He had no right."
"Yeah, well, when has that ever stopped him before? And he's not wrong. It is a sham. I've been living a lie for months."
"Are you drunk?"
"Nah." She pauses to consider. "Tipsy, probably. I went to the Albert after the Vic to avoid arguing with Stace. Knocked a few back."
"I wish you could ignore what he says."
Eve tips her head back, contemplating the stars. "He's got a point. And I am just a speck of dust in this vast universe. One day I will be blown to the wind, gone, forgotten, not even an imprint left behind."
"I think you've gone past the tipsy stage," Suki says disapprovingly.
"I drank a lot in quick succession. So maybe."
They're silent for a moment. And then Suki twists on the bench so that her body faces Eve's. This time, she takes her hands, linking their fingers together. Despite everything, Eve can't help but respond, squeezing tight.
"Your marriage to Stacey is so much realer than mine and Nish's," Suki says fiercely. "He can sneer and look down at you from his lofty position, but he will never, ever know what it's like to have love in a relationship. You might not be in love with each other, but it's obvious to everyone just how much you do love each other and how much you trust each other and have each other's backs no matter what. Look how often Stacey's been spoiling for a fight with me because she didn't like how I treated you. And you've stuck up for her in front of everyone with this cam business." Her lips twist bitterly. "What does Nish have? A wife he deludes himself into thinking loves him when in truth she can't stand the sight of him. A wife that parrots dutifully at the back of him because she knows she has to, not because she wants to. He has a life based on lies."
"I suppose," Eve says listlessly. It's hard to be positive when faced with the harsh reality, however: that no matter how much of Nish's life is a lie he still goes home to Suki at the end of the day. He still gets to share his life with her, whilst Eve sleeps alone in a cramped bed.
"Eve, look at me. Please."
With a huge effort, Eve drags her gaze to meet Suki's. Her lover's eyes burn through the darkness, a maelstrom of emotion swirling in those depths.
"I don't understand why you're so upset," she says softly. "Please, please remember who it is that I want to be with. Who I love. It's you, Eve. You're the only person that fills my head. I want to spend every moment of my day with you. I know it's hard. It's hard for me too. Every day that we have to live like this, I'm terrified that you'll decide that it's not worth the pain and heartache and you'll tell me that we're finished, but this time you'll mean it. I'm not stupid. I can see how much everyone here on the square likes you. I know that means you wouldn't have any trouble finding a woman with less baggage than me, who could be with you right now instead of giving you endless promises of one day. If I could be with you tomorrow, I would. I'd throw it all up for you. Being with Nish, being scared of openly acknowledging who I really am. If it meant not losing you to someone else, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I can't. Because as much as I want to be with you, I can't take any chance of Nish finding out and hurting you. Killing you. I already have to live with the fact that my actions contributed to Jags' death. That what I did to Ranveer has cost my son his freedom. I can't add your blood to my hands too."
She pauses, trembling, and Eve moves closer. She fights for a moment longer before giving in, pulling Suki into her arms. Her lover melts into her at once, burying her head against the side of her neck, squeezing Eve so tight that her ribs hurt. They're taking a risk, being so openly intimate right in front of Nish's house, but Eve no longer cares. She's needed this all evening. To feel the warm, comforting familiarity of Suki's body against hers, the texture of her hair against her cheek, the musk of her perfume in her nose. Tears well again. She tries to blink them away.
"You are not nothing, Eve," Suki continues, her voice muffled against Eve's skin. "You're everything to me. You are a quasar, brighter and more beautiful than anything I have ever seen. My world is alight with stars because of you. I don't want to go back to that darkness ever again. Please tell me that we're okay. Please."
Eve closes her eyes, breathing her in, grounding herself in this moment, in Suki. She thinks of the text message sitting as a draft in their thread.
My life would be so much easier without you.
"We're okay," she says.
Suki pulls back and looks at her, as if trying to gauge the truth of the words in her eyes. Eve doesn't look away.
"You promise?" she says.
"I promise. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a self-pitying idiot and making you worry. I have no right to act like this."
"I've had enough wobbles in my time. You're allowed one too."
"You've got enough going on without me moping about and making things more difficult for you."
"Things are hard for you too. I do understand that. And I would rather know than be kept in the dark. I trust you. I want you to trust me too." Tentatively, Suki reaches out and cups Eve's face in the palm of her hand, her thumb smoothing over her cheekbone. Her eyes are soft and warm, filled with a tenderness that Eve instinctively knows she has never directed at anyone but her children before.
With a gargantuan amount of effort, Eve forces herself to pull away. "You should go. You've risked enough as it is. I'll come and see you in the shop later, yeah?"
"Yeah," Suki affirms. Fleetingly, she picks up Eve's hands, presses kisses to her knuckles. Her skin tingles with the imprint of her lips. "I love you."
"I love you too," Eve responds.
Suki stands, and she follows suit. It's time she got into her own bed. Exchanging nods, they set off in opposite directions. Eve resists the urge to watch her go.
The Slater house is in darkness when she arrives. She keys herself in and creeps up the stairs, going about her nightly routine as quietly as possible so as to not disturb the rest of the occupants. Then she crawls into bed and picks up her phone.
She finds the message chain with Suki. Reads the words sitting in the drafts.
My life would be so much easier without you.
Thinks of the snatched moments, the ache she feels in her chest as she watches Nish with her. The hurt of leaving her after their return from Leeds, knowing that later that night she will be in bed with her husband.
She thinks of the snatched moments where the rest of the world stops. Lingering glances. Breathless laughter. Kisses brushed to cheeks, imprinted to mouths. Fingers brushing backs of necks, burying into hair. Skin on skin. A sense of real belonging. Of home.
My life would be so much easier without you.
She deletes the words.
Because as hard as it is, she doesn't want to imagine a life without Suki. And maybe right now her life would be easier without her…but it wouldn't be better.
Her life is vibrant now because of Suki.
Eve sets her phone on charge and rolls onto her back, staring up at the ceiling. Tomorrow, when things are less raw and seem brighter in the light of day, they will talk. Reaffirm their position.
And she will hope that one day soon they can be together properly, with no fear, with no husband, and everything will be worth it.
Because a life like this is hard.
But a life without Suki would be impossible.