I'd been anxious since waking up, because today we were finally going to see Uriah. I know he's alive, and mostly recovered, but actually seeing him in person when the last time I'd seen him he was near death was a bit surreal.
The hug from him felt like home. He smelled just like I remembered, a combination of his body wash and cologne with the detergent his clothes were washed in. He had a slight beard growing in, and his hair was longer and twisted in short dreads, but his chocolate brown eyes and wide smile were exactly the same.
"How?" He looks at Eric and I finally make introductions.
"Uriah, this is Paul. I think you two have talked several times on the phone."
"No. There's no way he's Paul, that dude is the spitting image of Eric Coulter. What are they telling you here?" Uriah asks.
"I know his name isn't really Paul. He's memory wiped, and he's with me." I reply.
"Where's the piercings? The tattoos?" Uriah argues.
"Look," I pull Eric's arm up, showing Uriah the faint raised lines from where his mazes once were, "here too." I point out his neck and then gently pull Eric's head so Uriah can see his ear, "they used the healing serum but you can tell he had gauges."
"Holy shit." Uriah says quietly and Eric finally looks at him, "You're supposed to be dead."
"So is her ex." Eric gestures at me.
"We have a lot to talk about." Uriah says and we all sit down, "I don't even know where to start. I don't want to say anything that's going to hurt you." He looks at me.
"We can try to get the hard stuff out first," I say slowly, "I'm willing to try."
"Um, wow, okay, so... Tris I mean I know we all went through some shit, especially you... but why?" He asks and I can feel my stomach drop, "I mean, you'd been back in the faction for all of a few weeks. Zeke said you shut everyone out-"
"They shut me out. Everyone blames me for Will. Everyone, Uri. Christina was so angry at me, and Zeke was angry that I came home without Four! No one cared that I lost my parents, or my brother-" I choke on a sob and feel Eric press his side against mine, and his arm snakes around the back of my chair, his hand rubbing soothing circles on my back.
"What about Mar? Shauna? Lynn?" He asks.
"They couldn't even talk to me, they blamed me for what happened to you." I say through tears.
"You didn't cause the war-"
"My divergence did!" I shout, "The fact that Jeanine wanted to open that fucking box, and she needed someone like me to do it. It's my fault, it's all my fault." I wail and Eric pulls me harder against him.
"I'm divergent too. So are countless others? How is this only on you? You can't possibly believe that." Uriah says.
"Is it too much?" Eric asks me and I nod, "Remember what you said before. Remember who started this war."
"It was because of me." I cry against him.
"It was because of that woman, and her obsessions." He murmurs.
"So you do remember?" Uriah says and I can feel Eric stiffen against me.
"No." he replies, "However, she and I have talked about some things. Tris told me that I had some sort of potential ties to the Erudite faction."
"Some?" Uriah scoffs, "You helped get the serums to Dauntless and administered them yourself. You were right up there with the rest of them. How are you gonna sit here and say you had some ties? You were the tie."
"He's not anymore!" I shout and Eric actually jumps at my tone, "He's not that person anymore, and he's been here since the beginning of September so tell me how he's the cause of this war?"
Uriah looks between Eric and me and puts both of his hands up, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I just know what I've been told."
"I was told my ex-boyfriend was dead Uri, so maybe we can't believe everything we've been told."
"He showed back up the day after your..." Uriah sighs and twists at his hair nervously.
"He knows about it?" I ask.
He nods, "Yeah."
"He knows that I'm here?" I press.
"Zeke said he's the one who arranged for you to be transferred here." Uriah replies.
That's when the dam breaks.
I know conversation continues between Eric and Uriah, and Eric just holds me tightly to his warm body as I cry. His hand traces up and down my back as I let it all out, the weight of his arm around me is the only thing that's keeping me from slipping out of my chair and onto the floor.
The man I once loved more than anything else in this world not only knows I am in a mental institution, he put me here and has left me here without a word.
"Tris, I don't pretend to know what you're going through. You did lose so much, but you didn't lose me." Uriah says softly and I realize he's crouched next to my chair, "I don't know what's going on with either of you, but I'm willing to help. What can I do?"
"We need answers." I murmur.
"I can help with that." Uriah says.
We talk for almost another hour before we're given our five minute warning to wrap up. When we go to leave I hug him, and I cry again. Uriah was one of my first friends in Dauntless, and when he tells me he will help I believe him.
Eric's hand brushes mine as we walk back to my room, and I tune out all of the outside noise. I let him lead me to my bed, and I pull him as close to me as possible. We're sharing the same pillow, his grey eyes steadying me and I take several deep breaths before I finally speak to him.
"You're not who you used to be."
"I don't want to be that person." He replies.
"You're crying." I say as I wipe an errant tear from his cheek.
"Why are you here, in this institution?" He asks me without acknowledging his emotions.
"I wanted to die. I was about to jump from the roof of a skyscraper." I whisper, "I lost everyone in the war. My parents. My brother. Will... he was my friend and also my best friend Christina's boyfriend. He was under the sim and he killed my mom right in front of me. He turned his rifle on me and I shot him. Christina hates me. Four died in front of me, except he's not actually dead, but that day on the roof I didn't know that. Everyone I loved was dead, all because some crazy woman wanted a pure divergent, and the pure divergent was me. I thought Uriah was going to die too, and I just.. I was going to jump."
"Who saved you?"
"Zeke Pedrad, Uriah's older brother." I reply softly, "Even though he had every reason to be angry at me too. His brother was on life support, and I was there and alive. Yeah I had a few bullet holes, and I was dealing with trauma, but I was there."
"You should have been there. If anyone is to blame, it's me. Why didn't you tell me I administered serums to start this?"
"We were told it was a tracker." I reply.
"Did I know that it wasn't?" He asks.
"I don't know. It doesn't matter, because the person you are now isn't the person you were then. They can wipe your memory, but they can't make you an entirely different person."
The tears continue to leak from his eyes, and this time it's me who leans into him, pressing my lips gently to his. He's caught off guard, and for a moment I think I've made a huge mistake until his soft lips start moving against mine. His large hand finds my face, and his fingers become splayed in my hair as our lips move together. A gentle tease of his tongue against mine stirs memories, but I push them away.
This isn't Al.
This is Eric.
This isn't the person he was before.
I'm not the person I was before.
A sharp knock at my door breaks us apart, and I quickly lay my head under his chin so we can pretend to be asleep.
"Benton, Prior, you're both due for group therapy. Let's go." The orderly says and we both move slowly to keep the charade of sleep up.
As we're escorted down the hall, his hand brushes mine again, but this time I thread our fingers together as we simply walk into the therapy room and take our seats.
We participate enough in group therapy to get by, and we're once again separated for our individual therapy sessions. Eric has been careful to avoid talking about what he's learned about himself prior to the memory wipe, and I've been careful to downplay our friendship but today Myron is having none of it.
"You and Paul Benton have become rather close. I heard he even had a joint visitation session with you and your friend." Myron says once we've settled in.
"I wanted him to meet Uriah."
"How'd that go?" Myron asks and I shrug.
"Good. Uriah saw the physical resemblance to Eric Coulter too, but they seemed to hit it off."
"It is important to you that your friends like Paul?" He asks.
I consider my answer briefly and then nod, "I like him, and yeah I would say it's important to me. Uriah is my only friend from outside of here, and Paul is my only friend inside."
"Does Paul know about the circumstances that led you to come here?" Myron asks.
"Mostly."
"Could you elaborate?" He presses.
"He knows about the roof, what led me there and who saved me. He knows some of what happened to me during initiation." I admit quietly.
Myron tries not to react, but I know I've surprised him with that admission. He's trying to be nonchalant, but he writes something down quickly in his notepad before meeting my eyes again, "What happened during initiation?"
I shake my head and close my eyes, gripping the table until my hands scream in pain.
"Tris, you're so close to your own breakthrough. You've found trust again with Paul, you have one of your important friends in Uriah Pedrad back in your life and I can assure you that you have my support. In what other world would a therapist allow you the freedoms you've had with Paul?"
Myron's right, but I can't admit it. I can't...
"You can trust me, I promise you that I'm on your side. I took your case specifically, and I've defied every order I've gotten when it comes to your care." He continues and I open my eyes, "I've been told repeatedly to keep you away from Paul Benton, but when no one could give me a damn good reason why I started to research it for myself. You see, Milwaukee has never had a great relationship with Chicago, and I wondered why we'd allow two very specific patients from the city to be sent here. I couldn't ever find a link between you and Paul Benton, but I finally listened to you and found one between you and Eric Coulter," he says and I find myself holding my breath, "And what I've learned had astounded me. I always knew you were a war hero, but then I found out he was too, because he tried his damndest to expose the plans that your city leadership had to start an insurrection. Instead of killing Mr. Coulter, they memory wiped him with the intention of still using him to carry out their plans. He somehow made it outside of the city, with no memory at all, and eventually he was picked up by our patrols. Our city knows exactly who he is; and I believe that they've held him here in order to gain leverage with the leadership in Chicago."
"Myron..." I trail off.
"I know he's Eric just like you do, Tris. I know you're having issues trusting anyone, but I'm telling you this because I care. Give me a chance. Trust me."
"I'll try." I whisper.
Myron watches me, letting me absorb everything he's said. I replay every word, I study his face for any deception, and I wish again that I had Christina with me to tell me if he's being honest.
I just wish I had Christina, period.
"Why are you telling me this?" I ask in a shaky voice.
"I believe in helping people who have reached a point in their lives that they feel they're disposable. The people who think this world would be better off without them. Those who think it's harder to get up each day than to just never wake up. I want to help those that society may have pushed to the point of no return. You're my patient, but you're also someone who lost everything about them to save a city that didn't deserve to be saved. You belong here, Tris, not just in Milwaukee but in this life. I don't yet know what the motivation was to put you here, and I'm relatively certain that they don't have the first clue that you would find Eric Coulter, but together you two can figure this out and beat this."
The tears that fall this time aren't of sadness, they're of relief.
"What will happen to him if you tell them that you know who he is?"
"I have no plans on helping them. I would very much like to meet with Paul, off the record, to see how he's feeling. If it turns out that he is comfortable with me I will request that he is transferred to me as a patient, and I plan on helping you both." He replies.
"I don't... I don't know that I can do this."
"You think about it. If you decide to let me in I can promise you that your secrets are always safe with me."