Turns out, without the presence of the vile guardian to ruin the atmosphere, the river was beautiful. Hopefully, whoever took over, it was someone sensible who allowed the average person to appreciate the natural beauty around them. In the meantime, there would be no River Guardian on Team Hades, after all. Megara would just have to explain to the boss that if he wanted to recruit the beast, he'd have to fish him out of the Styx first. It might have added to the effect if she let herself look disheveled when she pleaded her case, but her pride would not allow it. As far as any other workable angle, she'd think on her feet.
Wonder Boy strode victoriously out of the water to reconvene with his mentor. He was about to become a problem, now that his rival was out of the way. He was still a man, even if he was an awkward one. He'd proven his strength and skill. She couldn't underestimate his potential.
Their eyes met across the riverbank, and she watched every shred of competence drained out of the would-be hero's body. Under some hypnotic sway, he approached her with his hands behind his back, shy as a schoolboy. Either he had the perfect veneer, or he suffered a severe intelligence deficiency.
"Are you… all right, Miss… uh…"
"Megara." She stood up fast enough to smack him across the face with her hair. While he was stunned, Megara wrung out her sandal. "My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends." She flicked her mostly dried sandal at him.
He gruned as if she'd punched him, and held her sandal with the delicacy with which someone may handle a butterfly. Good. So much for his potential. He'd be eating from the palm of her hand until she made her escape. Now all she needed was a name to shift blame onto when she got back to Hades.
"So. Did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorals?"
Ideally, he'd be spilling all kinds of information right now, but it appeared he'd forgotten his own name. This was definitely a more amusing turn of events than she'd been expecting. Why not have some fun with it?
"Are you always this articulate?" Megara took her sandal back from him, which startled the brain back into his head.
"Hercules!" He cleared his throat. "My name is Hercules."
She tested the name aloud, walking away from him and emphasizing each sway of her hips. Couldn't let him drop out of her control. "I think I prefer Wonder Boy."
As Megara was busy tying her sandal back on, Hercules's flying horse dropped out of the air. He covered his master's face with one wing, seeming to think that would counteract Megara's charm offensive. Many wiser souls had failed before.
"So!" Hercules parted the feathers blocking his gaze and nudged the wing away. She was in charge again. Let him look at her, but she had no need to look at him when he was already under her spell. "H-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh…"
Time to lay on the excuses.
"Pinhead with hooves? Well, ya know how men are," she said in her most lackadaisical voice to disguise her venom. "They think 'no' means 'yes' and 'get lost' means," here, she leaned in so close she made him lean back, "take me, I'm yours!"
Ordinarily, this was the part where a man would protest that he was different, and either attempt to woo her or call her out on her game.
Hercules just stared at her. How was she supposed to get a read on a guy who wouldn't even blink? He only looked away to share a glance with his horse. Well, at least she had a name. It was time to get out of there while she still had the chance.
Well, not before getting one more shot in.
"Don't worry, Shorty here can explain it to ya later." She walked away from the delicious snarl of the satyr over her shoulder. "Well, thanks for everything, Herc," she turned once more toward him, "it's been a real slice."
With that, she turned from him, expecting to never see him again.
"Wait!"
Megara whipped back around so quickly she wasn't confident she'd hidden her spite.
"Can we give you a ride?" He gestured to his winged horse.
No sell.
The horse agreed. He blustered a snort into Hercules's hair and flew into the trees overhead. If Megara could have translated the horse's response, it would probably have involved several curses thrown her way, judging by the rage on his face. An excellent excuse. She didn't even have to concoct it herself.
"I don't think your pinto likes me very much."
"Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly! He'd be more than happy to–" An apple from above cut him off as it bounced off his head.
As much as she'd have worried about the animosity if she thought she'd ever tangle with this trio again, Megara was grateful she wouldn't be flying that day. "I'll be all right," she assured Hercules with a light, playful punch aimed at his chin. "I'm a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything."
She strode away from him only stopping when she could slip behind a tree and wait for him to leave. All told, the day could have been worse. She might be hemorrhaging her life-blood into the river or gagging on something foul. Sure, Hercules had been a mild inconvenience, but there were ways of making this work for her.
Hades would have his due, there was no way around it. Now that she was alone, she'd have to face the music. He'd be waiting for her somewhere in the shadows. He had a habit of getting bored while she was on an assignment and appearing whenever he felt like it. She'd just have to– a twig snapped, making her gasp.
Most girls, Meg suspected, would be happy to see a bunny and chipmunk grinning up at her and unafraid of approaching her. However, it was exactly the innocent act that made her recognize them on sight. It meant that not only were they Hades's imps, but Hades was right around the corner.
"A bunny, a chipmunk… I'm disappointed," she said. "I thought I smelled a rat…" And that's when she smelled the smoke.
"Meg…" the artificially sweet voice of Hades told her he was about to play nice. No need to acknowledge the facade.
"Speak of the devil…"
The smoke formed a hardened tendril under her chin, which Hades used to turn her face in his direction. "Meg, my little bird, my little flower, my little nut, Meg." Hades lifted Megara into the air.
All Megara would register on her face as she floated toward her boss was generalized disgust. He would twist her fear into a weapon.
"What exactly happened here?" Hades manifested a mobile version of his chessboard with a figurine representing Nessus on it.
Megara took the opportunity to waft away his smoke hand, but he was already too engrossed in his petty political game to care.
"You were supposed to get the river guardian on my team for the uprising, and now I'm kind of… river guardian-less." He was still playing with her.
"I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse." Megara flicked the Nessus piece off the board.
"Great, so instead of subtracting two years from your sentence? Hey, I'm gonna add two on. Give that your best shot!"
He was unbelievable! "Look, it wasn't my fault! It was this Wonder Boy Hercules!" What was the point in arguing, anyway? He'd already heaped another two years back onto her sentence. Five hundred and two. What would she have to do just to bring it back down? She'd spent so long whittling it down–
"What was that name, again?" Hades was right over her shoulder. At least the attention was off her!
"Hercules," she restated and ignored the hideous growl of rage behind her. "He came on with this innocent farm boy routine, but I can see through that in a Peloponnesian minute!" She snapped her fingers, feeling her confidence rally.
Hades had taught her well, after all. His input multiplied her natural intuition, and he'd take pride in that. Soon, they'd be on good terms again, and maybe she could bargain her way to a lower sentence as long as he…
Behind her, Pain and Panic had undergone a massive attack of the usual. Apparently, Hades had expected Pain and Panic to finish Hercules off at some point, but after seeing his handiwork, Megara had no faith that either of them could pull it off.
"He spent his entire high school years facing off against my monsters, and you told me Echidna ate him after graduation! What was that about the delay of him getting to the Underworld because he was preserved in her stomach?"
None of this concerned Megara. She leaned against a tree to contemplate her next move. It had to be something impressive, but minimal effort. She'd have to preserve her energy if she ever wanted to–
Fireball! Dead ahead! Megara bent double, and the fire hit the tree behind her. That smoking stump could've been her face.
Hades hadn't even noticed she was in the line of fire and still didn't care. Whatever she planned to do, she'd have to pull it off quickly.
"Fine, fine, fine. If I know my nephew, he's too stupid to stay out of anyone else's business." Another smoky tendril reached out to grip Megara and drag her back toward Hades. "All we need is a bleeding heart and something that makes him feel like a hero."
Somehow, he'd survived high school despite Hades's attempts on his life and still didn't have the confidence to speak to a woman. "I have to ask: how are you going to take him out when nothing's worked before? What haven't you tried?"
"We've thrown all kinds of monsters at him," Panic said.
"We've been all kinds of monsters, and thrown ourselves at him!" Pain emphasized.
"Chump stuff," Hades huffed, and summoned his chess table from his office in the Underworld. "Meg, where was he going?"
So now she was useful? Megara stepped up to the map to make herself look like a part of the team. "He was definitely on his way to Thebes. His little satyr friend was quite insistent that they go there immediately. Since they're flying there, I expect they'll be there before nightfall."
"Great, so it's in the neighborhood. He won't be surprised to see you again."
"Wait, what? Why would he see me?"
"You already know him and haven't actively tried to murder him in the past. Anyway, what's available in the general Thebes area?"
Pain and Panic leaped onto the table to stand over the map of Boeotia, tap dancing around the region while they pointed out landmarks. "We've got the Cadmean Hydra," Panic said, pointing out the valley between Thebes and Thespiae. "It's bigger than the one in Lernea, but without the acid spit."
Hades shot Megara a smirk that the imps ignored. "You'll be fine with that, won't you, Meg?" He asked, mouth hanging open so he could bare his jagged teeth.
"Why should it bother me?" Megara tossed her hair. "Rumor has it some of my ancestors sprouted from the teeth that got knocked out of that nasty thing's face during combat. It'll be a family reunion."
The cursed thing was so powerful that it had taken many founding settlers of Thebes before their time. It fell to her ancestor Cadmus to trap the thing in a cave, but its last remaining head was immortal. Nobody went into that cursed valley anymore, but the remains of a city carved into the walls overlooking the Hydra's lair remained as a testament to their sacrifice.
Pain and Panic finally noticed their boss wasn't paying attention to them.
"Nutmeg is right," Hades said. "The royal line of Thebes had to make up its ranks somehow after the last time the Hydra had anything to eat… Which was something around a century ago, if I recall correctly. One demigod won't be enough to sate her hunger. Business will boom tonight!" he rubbed his flaming hands together.
Megara's heart twisted. She couldn't be part of this! All commentary on her father and cousins aside, this was not only her ancestors' legacy, but the lives of thousands in Thebes! They thought they'd had it bad with the fires and the floods?
How long before an immortal monster had eradicated the whole population?
"Cadmus contained the Hydra, but Jerkules is stupid enough to multiply her to full glory! No matter what, Hercules is mortal. He can't keep fighting forever, and he'd never think to switch tactics mid-battle without another hero there to tell him what to do. I'll have a chat with his daddy so he won't be as involved. He'll want his boy to get all that kleos for himself."
"Is it the absolute best option?" Megara asked. "Sure, it sounds great, but is it foolproof?"
"Trust me, if Hercules is the fool? It's foolproof." Hades' eyes flickered. "What? Are you scared?"
"No, I… just figured your lesser minions wouldn't ask, so I did. This guy's obviously been a pain in the neck for a few years, and if he catches wind, you're behind this scam, you don't want blowback from Olympus."
Hades massaged his chin in thought. "It's a good instinct, but I'm right this time." Malaka. "Now, on to your stage directions." He swept his hand over the chessboard to zoom in on Thebes and the gorge outside it. "Nutmeg, you'll run through the city calling desperately for help."
Undignified. Ridiculous. Humiliating.
"What do we do?" Pain asked.
"You'll be our children in distress. I hear tell that Hercules has a soft spot for children. Can't let Meggie be the damsel twice in one day. Even Hercules isn't stupid enough that he wouldn't wonder why she got herself in two compromising positions that close together. He'll turn her into his personal crusade and she'll never get back to work."
Megara shook her head. "Don't you think it'd be just as suspicious if I'm announcing a catastrophe? He's going to think I'm involved somehow."
"Normally, I'd agree with you, but we're not dealing with Theseus here. Hercules is a son of Zeus, remember?"
"Oh, right." Megara frowned. The kid really didn't have the best odds. "So you think he'll believe anything I say?"
"Trust me. A face like yours? Curves that Aphrodite would consider a masterpiece? He's probably not even listening when you talk."
Megara shuddered inwardly, but wouldn't let it show. He knew how she hated his offhand commentary, but letting him see her reaction would only encourage him. "If you're sure about the Hydra plan, what's our schedule? Can we put this together before someone in Thebes snaps him up and gives him something else to do? My father is efficient enough that he might recognize Wonder Boy's potential right away."
"He's your father. You figure out how to play him."
The thought curdled in her stomach. It was no better to face her father than the Hydra. "I thought I made it clear I wanted no one figuring out I'm still alive." She folded her arms. "I can't use my status and connections without coming back out of hiding. You promised–"
Hades gripped Megara's jaw so quickly she didn't see it coming. With just a flex of his smoke, he could snap her bones. "Slaves are obedient, princess. So, when I tell you I want you to run into town and put on a show for me, what do you say?"
Hades didn't deserve an answer.
The lamplight gleam of his too-round eyes commingled with his twisted smile spoke volumes. He wanted to see her squirm, maybe even cry. Instead, Megara kept her features blank.
The only emotion she highlighted when his eyes flickered with renewed determination to break her was disgust. She forced herself to focus on how hideous he was, and the smell. Hercules was a kid right out of high school, and apparently Hades had tortured the boy the whole time. Even if there was a secret hyper-macho jerk side to Hercules, this was beyond overkill.
Crunch.
Megara's mouth fell open as hairline fractures opened in her jawbone. Some iron will from deep down in her soul stopped a scream, but her pain made the imp who embodied it snicker.
Satisfied, Hades released her. "Fortunately, I need your mouth functional. For now." The smoke holding her up vanished, sending her with a heavy thud to the stone.
A tremor of pain went up through her spine to match the ache in her jaw.
"Clean yourself up. Your command performance is about to begin." Before he vanished, Hades healed her bones. A small mercy, one he was unlikely to repeat if she pushed him any further.
"Malaka," Megara whispered to herself.