41. TO THE MINISTRY
Holly nervously smoothed down the knee-length black dress Narcissa had picked out and sent over for her, fiddling for a moment with the high turtle-neck collar and wishing she had thought to slip on her robes to cover her bare arms. She didn't feel ready, but then, when had that ever mattered before?
She sighed soundlessly, looking down at the charm bracelet Sirius and Remus had gifted to her when this had all begun, for her sixteenth birthday. There were two additional charms now, the curling snake Tom had once turned into a Portkey for her and a small, filigree butterfly in memory of their unborn child.
The ceremony Tom had arranged for them to say their goodbyes had been beautiful and heart-rending, simple and yet full of meaning. They had followed one of the ancient farewell rites of the House of Slytherin, lighting singing candles of different heights to symbolise the passing of time while they walked along a spiralling path through a garden of menhirs between the castle proper and the sprawling dark forest at its back. At the end of the path had been a well, the stones washed so smooth with age that the ancient runes carved into them had lost meaning, but not their power. And Tom had taken her cold hands into his, cupped them in his own warm ones, and just held her gaze for a long moment before whispering that it was okay, that it was time to let go of the pain and fear, the sadness and anger that festered inside. She had sobbed and screamed, the well screaming back with a thousand voices, had hammered her fists against his chest and felt his emotions rush through her as well, echoed and amplified by her own, and joined by the storm of their magic. When it had been over, Tom had carefully pulled her into his arms again, wiping her tears from her cheeks when she was too exhausted to cry anymore, and offered her the new charm for her bracelet, a small, tangible reminder of the child they had lost.
That had been two days ago and she didn't feel ready. But another day, another week, another month or year wouldn't change that. She would never feel ready. She slowly rolled back her shoulders and took a deep breath before pushing open the door to the dining hall and cautiously slipping inside.
The long table was already set with all of Dobby's cooking as usual and the hall was decked with festive garlands of tinsel, evergreens and fairy lights and some of the other Christmas decorations Rudolphus and Rabastan had got out of storage. But the hall seemed more crowded than usual, with Lucius and Brutus Nott seated close to Tom. Rudolphus had also offered to invite her own lawyer to the joint breakfast before they would take the international Portkey back to England and the Ministry of Magic, but both Remus and Damian had demurred, saying that their wolf sides wouldn't be comfortable encroaching on each other's territories. Holly was almost glad for it now because the addition of Lucius and Nott already made her feel slightly claustrophobic, especially when everyone turned towards her at her entrance.
She forced herself not to flinch back, but still couldn't help but tense when there was a general shifting and pushing back of chairs. But before she could panic fully or think about a tactical retreat, she had to blink twice and then snorted out a laugh as all of them, including Tom, Sirius and Remus, dropped to their knees.
She met Sirius' laughing grey eyes, then turned to Tom, who was slowly rising to his feet and coming towards her. "We're not starting that," she declared with a shake of her head and another snort. §And since when are you willing to kneel to anyone?§
§I think it must have started somewhere around the time when you became my wife,§ Tom replied easily, picking up her hand and breathing a soft kiss across her knuckles. "And not just to anyone, Holly. You're my exception."
Holly felt herself blush at the intimate murmur and felt cold at the same time. "You're getting better with your pick-up lines, at least. But we're still not starting that."
"Well worth it to see you smile," Sirius declared easily, slowly rising to his feet as well. "Though, I'm not much for genuflection myself. I always had a slight problem with authority, believe it or not. Now how about some breakfast, pup?"
Tom led her over to her usual seat, pulling it out for her and making sure she was settled before he sat down himself, the wordless signal for everyone else to reclaim their seats as well. Remus smiled kindly at her, offering her the bread basket, while Snape placed her usual healing potions next to her plate, looking even more sour than usual.
"I'm sorry Tom roped you into this, Professor," Holly murmured, taking a roll from the basket and then downing the potions in quick succession, not wanting to taste any of them.
"I am not yet so old that I cannot take a knee when required, Holly," Professor Snape informed her evenly. "And Tom had good arguments."
"Yes, our Lord can be very persuasive," Lucius added with an ever so slight emphasis on Tom's title and a very pointed look at the Potions Master.
"Let's hope that will hold true today as well," Tom said.
Holly thought about pointing out that it shouldn't even matter since they had right on their side, but she knew that Tom would think that charmingly naïve and that he would tease her about it if things were normal. But things weren't normal and so she bit back her words, afraid that if Tom didn't answer with a tease or at least a fondly exasperated look, it would completely pull the rug from under her feet. She was feeling unbalanced enough as it was.
"Holly, please eat something," Sirius asked, watching how she tore her roll into smaller and smaller pieces without actually putting any of them in her mouth.
"'m not hungry," Holly mumbled, then corrected herself, shaking her head. "I can't eat."
"I can offer you a Calming Draught," Professor Snape said, already reaching into his robes for one of the countless small vials he seemed to carry on his person at all times.
Holly shook her head again, pushing her plate away from her and feeling the wood of the table tremble underneath her hands, the glassware humming with wild magic.
Tom reached over the table to take her hand, giving her fingers a tight squeeze, before flashing her a sudden, incongruously bright smile.
"What?" Holly demanded suspiciously, the evergreen garlands rustling nervously overhead as if infested by a horde of doxies.
"It's just good to feel your magic again, kitten, I missed that," Tom explained, lifting her hand to press a soft kiss onto the back of it. "And I'm glad to see your hair is finally starting to grow back. It looks quite lovely like this." He gently twisted one of the still short tendrils around his finger, smiling encouragingly. "It will be all right, kitten. I promise."
Holly sucked in a shaky breath, wishing she could borrow at least some of Tom's confidence and just ignore the tension all around.
"I'm happy to answer any questions or address any concerns you might still have, my Lady," Nott offered politely, but Holly could only shake her head again, feeling the memory of Uncle Vernon's meaty hands close around her throat until she could barely breathe.
"Then perhaps a distraction is needed," Lucius remarked, his voice studiously light and unconcerned. "I'm under firm orders from my wife to enquire whether you have picked a dress for the Christmas Ball yet."
Holly blinked at him in surprise, completely thrown by the question and the reminder of the ball she had so looked forward to, not even that long ago.
Lucius flashed her a smile. "I'll take that as a 'no', which brings me to my second order of business, to pass on Narcissa's offer to come by with a selection of suitable options for you and help you pick something you like."
"But… I'm not even sure…" Holly trailed off, not wanting to give offence.
"Both Lucius and Narcissa will no doubt understand if you decide not to attend their ball in the end," Tom told her gently, Lucius nodding along in agreement. "But it might be fun for you to try on some dresses with Narcissa regardless."
"Narcissa and I both realise that attending social events might be a bit much for you at the moment, but there're some experiences you still shouldn't miss – like picking out a dress and seeing Malfoy Manor in all its Yuletide splendour," Lucius added. "We added some ice sculptures to the garden this year and the ice-skating rink is always a great success with Draco and his friends."
"I've never gone ice-skating," Holly admitted softly. "But it does sound like fun."
"And you're always welcome, Holly," Lucius reminded her. "Whether for the Christmas Ball or just for a cup of tea and petit-fours."
"Thank you," Holly murmured, meaning not just for the invitation but also for the distraction. She actually felt a little better, though still jittery and slightly nauseated. But the reminder that she had something to look forward to, that everyone else was actively making plans for the future, had given her back some hope and much needed resolve and she even managed a few bites of toast and a cup of tea.
When it was time to take the Portkey, Remus pulled her into a strong, reassuring hug, telling her that everything would be fine and that he would be waiting for their return, before Sirius wrapped his arm around her waist, anchoring her firmly to his side as Tom grabbed her free hand. The sensation of travelling by Portkey was as disagreeable as always and her feet connected rather too abruptly with the dark wood floor in the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic, but thanks to Sirius and Tom she at least avoided an undignified sprawl.
"Right on time," Damian greeted them with his usual open smile, walking towards them with a silver visitor's badge identifying him as "Legal Counsel, Smitt & Spencer" already pinned to his formal black robes.
He shook Holly's hand and introduced himself to Rudolphus and Professor Snape, whom he hadn't met yet, before he added, "We're in Courtroom One, Level Two."
"I thought we were scheduled to be in Courtroom Ten?" Nott remarked with a slight note of question in his voice.
"I requested a change of venue," Damian replied easily, not elaborating further even when Nott arched his eyebrow in question.
Holly felt a sudden wave of gratitude for Damian's usual discretion, one of the reasons that had recommended him for this mandate. Damian's law firm had handled all the paperwork for Sirius after his wrongful conviction had finally been overturned and Damian was their specialist for magical contract law. He was also a werewolf, though that had only been revealed when Remus had joined them for their first Floo meeting and both his eyes and Damian's had flashed a sudden, bright yellow. It had caused a moment's awkwardness and Damian had been worried about the repercussions since he had kept his status as a werewolf carefully hidden from his colleagues and employers. But they had quickly moved past that and Holly had been nothing but grateful for how very patiently Damian had explained the entire process to her and managed to assuage at least some of her fears.
"My disciplinary hearing last year was held in Courtroom Ten. It's not a good memory," Holly offered quietly, feeling Rudolphus' heavy gaze on her, but not going into how she knew that Courtroom Ten didn't hold any good memories for him either.
"Ah, I had not realised… that's highly irregular," Nott commented with a slightly strained smile for her. He then nodded to Tom before striding ahead towards the security wizard, the same surly individual Holly remembered from the year before, where he produced several rolls of parchment from his robes and pointed towards them as he argued some point or other.
"I already checked us in," Damian said, handing her and Sirius their respective visitor's badges.
"Do we still need to have our wands weighed?" Sirius enquired as Holly fiddled with her badge.
"No, that won't be necessary since both your wands are already on file," Damian explained with an encouraging smile. "Shall we wait for the others or would you like to go ahead and get seated?"
"You don't have to wait," Tom told her, gently taking the badge from her and quickly pinning it to her robes next to the combined Potter and Black family crest. "I'm sure we're only going to be a few minutes."
Holly mutely shook her head, twisting her trembling fingers into Tom's robes in lieu of a verbal reply. She didn't want him to leave her side, irrationally afraid that if he stepped away from her, if she let him out of her sight, he would stop being her Tom and turn back into the Dark Lord who had tried to kill her in this very space.
§Kitten?§ Tom asked worriedly.
§Bad memories,§ Holly pressed out, glancing at the Fountain of Magical Brethren, which had been restored to its former, inaccurate golden glory.
Tom's mien softened even further and she could feel the icy claws of his regret raking across her insides. §I'm so sorry, Holly. I should have realised… Salazar, I really was a monster to you, wasn't I? And I needed no help at all.§
§You already apologised,§ Holly reminded him in a whisper, and Tom sighed deeply, tenderly caressing over her shoulders even as his voice turned terse with bitterness, §And we both know that will never be enough, kitten. Is there anything I can do now? Anything at all?§
Holly shook her head again, puffing out a shuddering breath of relief when Tom wordlessly pulled her into his arms, shielding her from everything else going on around them and allowing her a chance to collect herself.
§*§*§*§*§
When Nott had straightened out everything with the guard at the Security Desk and they were permitted to board one of the lifts, Sirius and Tom moved to either side of her. The others filled in as well and Rudolphus positioned himself just behind the doors, wordlessly blocking anyone else from entering. Holly still started to feel slightly claustrophobic, stuck in the too small cubicle with six grown wizards, and was very relieved when they reached Level Two and could step out.
She remembered the long corridor with doors on either side, the Headquarters of the Auror Department and Mr. Weasley's office it led to, but after only a few paces Damian turned to one of the doors on the left and opened it for their group. Behind it was another long corridor, this one broader and with a very high ceiling, but no windows on either side. The doors were spaced farther apart, large, two-winged gates in dark, polished wood with heavy doorknockers and squiggly door numbers in gleaming silver.
Courtroom One lay at the end of the corridor, its doors even more polished and imposing than the others, and the wings swinging open on silent hinges. Holly had braced herself, expecting to find a variation of the only other Ministry courtroom she had ever visited, but when she cautiously followed the others and took in her surroundings she was pleasantly surprised. It looked more like a fancy meeting room, colourful and shaped like an Easter Egg, with large frescos heavy in gold and silver along the high walls and illuminated by about a dozen balls of light that lazily circled above their heads. In the centre of the room, four tables made from shiny slabs of marble formed an oblong square, two smaller tables on either end. At one of the long tables the Minister of Magic had already taken his seat, several witches and wizards that Holly didn't recognise on either side of him.
Besides that, the only similarity to Courtroom Ten were the benches rising along the oval of the room and the members of the Wizengamot in their plum-coloured robes sitting in dribs and drabs and conversing in soft murmurs that quietened abruptly at their entrance. Holly had to resist the urge to shrink back.
"Ah, welcome, welcome, do come in," Fudge greeted them as if he was welcoming them to his birthday party, getting up from his plush armchair and hastening towards them with wide-spread arms. "Holly, how good… ehh."
Tom and his Death Eaters had smoothly stepped into his way, closing ranks around her and blocking his path; Sirius gave her shoulders an encouraging squeeze.
"I suggest we all get seated," Damian interjected into the awkward silence. "We'd like to get started on time."
"Of course, of course. I just wished to assure myself of Holly's wellbeing before we start the proceedings. After everything… well, you had us quite worried, Holly, I won't lie," Fudge blustered, trying to catch her eye around the wall of Death Eaters.
Holly had no idea how to respond to that so she was very grateful when Lucius offered some bland comments and then steered the conversation towards practical, organizational matters, including the seating arrangement. Fudge seemed relieved to be thrown this lifeline and eagerly pointed to the respective desks for Holly and her godfather and Tom and his Death Eaters.
"We'll switch desks," Tom declared as soon as Fudge had finished his presentation, already drawing his wand and rearranging the name placards and chairs with a quick flick.
He then gently took Holly's hand and led her over to the table on the left of the Ministry table, the one farthest away from where Dumbledore was supposed to sit. He pulled out her chair for her and got her settled, smoothly kneeling down at her side.
"If you want to take a break, at any time, you just need to let me or Sirius know and we'll take care of everything, okay?" he murmured, softly touching her cheek. "You're safe and you're in control. You can end this at any time and I will follow your lead."
"I know, Tom," Holly said, managing a small eyeroll because Tom had told her all of this before, more than once.
"All right, kitten," Tom flashed her a smirk, breathing a kiss to her knuckles before getting up and moving over so that Damian could sit down in the armchair he had been blocking. He lingered another moment, but then turned to sit down at his own table opposite of her, with Lucius and Rudolphus on his right and Nott and Snape to his left.
Fudge was still on his feet, hovering uncertainly and casting glances in her direction. Holly studiously avoided his gaze and finally he dropped back into his chair and impatiently motioned towards the two Aurors positioned to either side of a deceptively innocuous looking door at the back.
"Bring him in," he ordered brusquely and then busied himself with some papers spread out in front of him, shuffling through them as if he was looking for one in particular. Holly guessed he was attempting to project confidence or at least efficiency, but to her he just appeared nervous and out of his depth. She felt a wave of sympathy for him, for all of them. There were some hushed murmurs among the Wizengamot, looks filled with curiosity and a weak undercurrent of sensation mongering, but Holly thought that most of them just wanted to understand and then be done with this entire affair.
The two Aurors had to use several spells to unlock the inconspicuous door and when it opened it made a groaning sound as if it was being prised open by a group of invisible trolls. Sirius reached for her hand under the table, giving it a tight squeeze and she squeezed back as a second group of Aurors appeared, three wizards and one witch in their distinctive red robes, escorting Albus Dumbledore into the courtroom and to the last free table.
She didn't quite know what she had expected, heavy chains perhaps, the likes of which she had seen on Rudolphus and Rabastan during their trial, or Dumbledore in tattered robes and with matted hair. But Dumbledore ambled into the courtroom as if he was just out for a stroll, smiling and waving genially at the assembled crowd and twinkling at them over his half-moon glasses. He was wearing royal blue robes in a velvety material, silver stars and moons stitched into the cuffs to match his long silver hair and beard.
He looked completely unchanged and it made her sick to her stomach because the rest of them hadn't been so lucky. Sirius had started to have nightmares again, even if he tried to hide it from her; Remus had spent the full moon fuzzing over her and yowling and whimpering in shared pain; Rudolphus and Rabastan had taken to hunching their shoulders when they were around her, trying to make themselves appear smaller, less threatening; Snape was running on fumes to brew all those potions for her while also attempting to work through whatever issues he was still keeping so close to his chest. And Tom, Tom was a mess, trying to keep everything together, keep her together while the pain and guilt were eating him up inside. None of them had emerged from this unscathed. Except Dumbledore.
She twisted her trembling fingers in the soft, warm material of her robes, trying to anchor herself. She turned her head to the side so that she wouldn't have to see Dumbledore's benevolent smile or his twinkling eyes as he jovially greeted his old colleagues in the Wizengamot, though she still kept him in her peripheral vision, needing to know where he was at all times.
Sirius squeezed her hand again and only then did she become aware that she had stopped breathing, that there were dark spots dancing in front of her eyes and a whooshing in her ears. She sucked in some air and Sirius started rubbing her back, murmuring soft reassurances and encouragements to try to calm down.
"I'm not going to get through this," Holly brought out in a choked whimper. "We haven't even started yet and…"
"Snape gave me a Calming Draught for you," Sirius murmured, offering her the small, crystalline bottle. "But we can also call it off. No-one would blame you and I know your Tom asked Nott to prepare a whole bunch of administrative issues and bureaucratic nonsense just in case…"
"I don't think that it would be better next time," Holly whispered, taking the bottle from his hands and fumbling with the cap. "I have to do this. I just have to get through it."
"Okay, pup, okay," Sirius said, stilling her hands again. "Snape said you could drink the whole thing, but slowly. One sip at a time."
She nodded jerkily, allowing Sirius to unscrew the cap for her and then took the first careful sip. The cool, viscous liquid felt like melted ice cream in her throat, but it tasted vaguely like chamomile tea with a hint of honey. She took another sip. And another.
"Slowly, pup," Sirius reminded her, his grey eyes stormy with concern. "And don't forget to breathe. In… out. That's good. Again. In… out. And again. In… out. Now you can take another sip."
Holly tilted the bottle to let the last few drops fall into her mouth, but the potion and Sirius' little breathing exercise had actually started to take effect. She felt less light-headed and short of breath and her vision cleared as her heart returned to a calmer rhythm.
"Thanks," Holly murmured, huffing out another slow breath. "I'm okay now."
When she looked up, she found Tom already looking at her, his dark eyebrows scrunched together in concern. She managed a slightly shaky smile and nodded once, rolling her shoulders back and straightening her back. They would get through this.
"Miss Potter." Holly just stopped herself from falling from her chair as she twisted around and Professor McGonagall's stern face swam almost gently into focus.
"Professor, what are you… I mean I didn't know you would be here," Holly said, twisting her shaking hands together and reminding herself that she just drank a Calming Draught.
"I'm here because I was a witness for the signing of the contract," McGonagall told her in her usual pragmatic tone, though there was something almost soft in her eyes as she studied her critically.
"Professor… I'm sorry -"
McGonagall raised a hand to interrupt her. "I will not pretend that I find Professor Riddle's claims particularly convincing, nor do I enjoy the countless and frankly absurd accusations that have arisen in these last few weeks. But I am here with an open mind, to listen to the facts and weigh the evidence – without prejudice or anger." She threw a quick but forbidding glare in Sirius' direction to make quite clear for whom that advice was intended before turning back to Holly. "That being said, Miss Potter, I'm glad to see you on the road to recovery and I do hope that you will return to Hogwarts soon – our Quidditch team should not like to miss you for our next game."
"Thank you, Professor," Holly murmured, managing a small smile for her strict Head of House.
McGonagall nodded sharply before she turned and directed her steps towards the second armchair at Dumbledore's desk. Her posture remained ram-rod straight even as the ample cushioning of the chair threatened to accommodate her most comfortably; she looked formidable, as steadfast and intrepid as always, and Holly suddenly felt a little better knowing that her Head of House was here.