Dear Mum and Dad,
Megumin and I have an exciting opportunity this year to participate in a special Christmas play. Many of my friends are also spending time here at Hogwarts over the holidays. I'd like to ask that I get to spend the holidays here, with my friends, to participate in the play. Megumin can stay as well, and we can spend time together.
Maybe now would be a good opportunity for you two to take the second honeymoon you've always been talking about, perhaps somewhere sunny, like Spain. I'm sure it would be some good rest for you.
In other news, Megumin has learned a new spell for fireworks, and is looking forward to trying it out over Christmas and New Years. I'm a bit concerned, as Professor Flitwick has been complaining about the muggle whirly gigs coming closer. I think he means helicopters? Anyway, if you felt the aftershocks, that was probably her. I'll try to convince her to leave her wand here if we come home, but she has been getting better at wandless magic.
I hope to hear from you soon. Please be careful to leave a flightline open for Hedwig. I think one of dad's traps clipped her tail feathers and she's been a bit grouchy.
Love, your daughter, Yunyun
Carefully, Yunyun folded up her letter and tied it to Hedwig's leg, then cast several protective charms on the owl. "There. T-that should get you through safely. Sorry that dad's been, um…overzealous…"
Hedwig shook herself, then gave her mistress a reproachful look, before pecking at the letter on her leg.
"I-I didn't lie! Um, not exactly…M-Megumin's new spell was t-too destructive. A-and Professor Mizu will put on a play. Um, once I ask her to…"
That prompted a long stare from Hedwig, and Yunyun shifted nervously from foot to foot. But she made no sign that she was going to take back the letter. Hedwig ruffled her feathers again, gave an exasperated hoot, then hopped to the opening of the owlery and opened her wings, beating off into the dim light of the afternoon sun.
Feeling terribly guilty, Yunyun hurried down the stairs from the towers, making her way all the way over to the often flooded second floor girl's bathroom, where someone was currently splashing and singing in one of the toilets.
"H-Hello, Myrtle," Yunyun said, peeking into the stall where the ghostly girl was currently flooding one of the toilets. "Um, did anyone come and ask to join the USSR? M-Maybe Megumin?"
"No, no one's come," Myrtle said, making a face at Yunyun. "Why do you have to keep going and flooding my toilets? It's not very nice."
"We're, um, working on it," Yunyun assured Myrtle. "Just, er, be patient. Please? A-and make sure no professors come in…we, um, we're not really breaking any rules, but…"
"But you're flooding the toilets and that definitely breaks the rules," Myrtle said, sighing heavily. "Don't worry, they just blame me. Your secret's safe."
"T-thanks, Myrtle. You're a good f-friend," Yunyun said, smiling at the ghost somewhat shyly.
"Yes, well, I suppose. Go have fun, I'll keep watch," Myrtle said, and went back to singing some dreadfully out of date pop ballad.
Yunyun hurried over to the sink, hissed at it, and waited as the hidden entrance opened. Then she hopped down the chute, smiling and giggling as she did so. It was, after all, rather fun to slide down into a hidden lair for your own special organization.
Down at the bottom, Yunyun hurried through the various tunnels and pipes, until she came to Sylvia's lair. The bones of various rats and monkeys had been swept out, and now it was decorated in bright reds, with yellow smiley faces and stars proclaiming "Union of Spreading Social Reform" and "Forward unto Friendship!" There were also a few pictures of Yunyun, Luna, and Lavender smiling together, or riding atop Sylvia.
There was one slightly morbid touch, in that Luna had got it into her head that it would be "atmospheric" to turn several monkey skulls into cups. They'd done some transfiguration to manage it, but the result was that the USSR was drinking tea out of skull cups. Some things never really change.
Inside the lair, Sylvia was curled up around the room, her blinders on. She was currently wearing a half finished "jumper" that was more of a tube sock in bright red with more yellow stars and half a smiley face. Something that would have probably given Salazar Slytherin an apoplexy, which could only be a good thing for the sour old maniac. Within Sylvia's wide coils, Luna and Lavender were monitoring a small silver cauldron, which was simmering over a small flame.
"H-how's the potion looking?" Yunyun asked, setting her backpack down and coming over to watch.
"Looks fine to me, but my potion grades are always rubbish," Lavender said with a shrug. "I blame society."
"We do live in a society," Luna agreed.
Yunyun wasn't really sure what to make of that, as she was fairly certain that strictly speaking, every human that lived in a group lived in a society of some kind, which was pretty much everyone. But she didn't want to make fun of her friend. "A-and the mandrake leaves?"
"I have kept them in my mouth. They don't tasssste very good, and it makessss it hard to sssswallow. But for friendssss, I'll do it," Sylvia assured Yunyun
"G-good. I-I hope I can stay over the Christmas Holidays, t-to help," Yunyun said, patting Sylvia's flank. "A-and maybe we can help with your jumper some more."
"It's going to take a lot of yarn," Lavender said dubiously. "I'm all out, and people will get suspicious if we keep using so much."
"Hmm, if only we had some sheep to shear," Luna mused. "We could use their wool for yarn."
Yunyun considered that, then her eyes began to glow red. "Well, the monkeys' fur is getting longer as it gets cold. I think we could make monkey yarn."
"Can I sssstill eat them?" Sylvia asked hopefully.
"Well, w-we just need the hair," Yunyun said, rummaging around in her backpack. After a few moments, she pulled out the diary. "Let's ask Tom about this. H-He might know a good way to make monkey wool."
"Sure, I like chatting with Tom, can I have a go?" Lavender asked, reaching for the book. Yunyun handed it over and Lavender began happily writing in the book while Luna and Yunyun chatted with Sylvia and watched the animagus potion they were brewing.
After a few minutes of writing, Lavender stiffened, then sat up straighter, her voice taking on an arrogant tone. "Why not just transfigure the monkeys into sheep, then shear them? That will make much finer quality wool. I'd suggest Suffolk; they have good thick wool for knitting."
"Tom? Are you possessing Lavender a-again?" Yunyun asked, planting her hands on her hips. "D-did you ask permission?"
"Oh, she's fine with it, don't worry about it," Tom said dismissively, waving Lavender's hands in rejection. He frowned down at his body. "But why did you have to all be prepubescent?"
"I think we should slap him," Luna said, not sounding all that dreamy, and actually somewhat outraged. "I'm not sure what he said, but it sounded inappropriate."
"No, no, there's no need for that! I just…I wanted a body myself," Tom said, sulking now. "You're making one for Sylvia, a human body at that! And me, I just get a few possessions of some young girls."
"W-we're your friends, Tom. But we don't have to share our bodies," Yunyun said firmly. Then she hesitated. "Um, maybe we could look into a way to get you a body…"
"Well, if you're going to give the Serpent of Slytherin, no, don't look at me like that, I'm not calling her Sylvia, it's demeaning!"
"I like the name," Sylvia said, her tail swishing back and forth. "Go away, old masssster. I ssssserve the missssstressss now. She issss my friend."
Tom tried to look disgusted, which made the other two giggle, as he clearly was not very used to having Lavender's face when he did that, and came off more as being very gassy. "Don't laugh at me! I am the heir of Slytherin!"
"No, you're Lavender. You get back in your diary right now, and be nice, or I'll put you on a bookshelf and leave you there until next year," Yunyun ordered, her eyes burning a sinister shade of Crimson.
Tom muttered something choice, then Lavender slumped over.
She sat back up and tossed the diary in Yunyun's bag. "Ugh! I always regret doing that, but he always makes it seem like such a good idea! He's the sort of man my dad always warned me about!"
"And what did your mum say?" Luna asked, sounding curious.
Lavender blushed. "Well, um, mum says that's the sort of bloke you have a good time with, but er, don't settle down with…"
"You are lucky to have a choissssse of matessss. I've never even met a male of my ssssspecies," Sylvia said mournfully. "I would dearly like to have a mate, then a clutch of eggssss to raissssse."
"Ugh, gross, no thanks. Boys are weird," Lavender said, sticking her tongue out. "I don't know any of them our age I'd want to have around much."
"Oh, I don't know, mum and dad make it seem nice," Luna mused. "I think it has something to do with the wrackspurts. I think you get more of them when you get older."
"Well keep them away from me," Lavender huffed.
"I-I just want to have more friends," Yunyun sighed. "M-maybe if we gave Tom his own body…he wouldn't be such a pain…"
"Could we turn him into a girl?" Lavender mused. "Serve him right."
"No. That's n-not what friends do. But first, we finish the animagus potion. We have three more weeks with the mandrake root, but then we have to wait another week, a-and then we have to have a thunderstorm…"
The four members of the USSR who were not currently in Time Out in their diary plotted their schemes while they brewed a somewhat modified version of the animagus potion in their Definitely Not a Secret Lair.
The next day, Lavender went to Professor Aqua before their Defense Against the Dark Arts Class, putting on her very best smile. "Professor, have you ever considered doing a Christmas play?"
"Huh? Why would I want to do that?" Aqua asked in confusion, looking up from her work. Well, actually she was doodling, but it was a very nice doodle.
"Well, you see, your Halloween production was such a hit, Luna, Yunyun and I were thinking we should put on a Christmas play! This would spread the good word of the Axis Cult, by showing our appreciation for the arts."
That made Aqua frown at Lavender. "You're not worshiping other gods are you now? I mean, if it's Eris or the others it's technically OK, but…"
"No! You're the only goddess for me, Lady Aqua. I pray to you every night!" Lavender promised.
"Yeah, I know, you're a good girl. Just remember: I'm the best goddess, and you have to give me all the best offerings!" Aqua said, standing to pat Lavender on the head affectionately. The erstwhile goddess rubbed her chin. "I'm OK with a Christmas play, so long as it is, you know, like the fun kind of Christmas. With Santa, and Frosty the Snowman, and Will Ferrell in Elf!"
"Well, we could always do an original play, that includes the Axis Cult's core values, as well as spreading the spirit of Friendship!" Lavender said excitedly. "I think we need to have roles for not just Axis Cult members such as Luna and myself, but for all our friends so that they really get into the spirit of things."
"Yes, yes, that's a brilliant idea! We'll need to rehearse though," Aqua agreed, taking out a calendar. "Hmm, it's only a couple of weeks until the Christmas Holidays though…"
"Obviously, we can't perform during the Holidays. But the cast would need to stay and rehearse. Then, when everyone comes back, we put on a big performance!" Lavender said, really getting into the spirit of things. "I don't really want to perform, but I could do everyone's makeup and help with the costumes!"
"Yes, yes! A heart warming Christmas Tale, with plenty of musical numbers, and the important message that getting gifts is nearly as good as giving them to me!" Aqua agreed.
As Lavender and Aqua plotted, the Gryffindor and Slytherin second years filed in, taking their seats and talking.
"Good news, everyone!" Aqua said, hurrying to the center of the room. "We're going to put on a play!"
"How does that help us with Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Hermione asked suspiciously. "That sounds extracurricular."
"Um, yes, but, we, er," Aqua floundered for a bit, clearly expecting everyone to be caught up in her enthusiasm.
"-but anyone who helps with the play will get Extra Credit!" Lavender put in helpfully.
"Extra Credit?" Hermione asked, ears perking up. "I thought that was just an American thing."
"Well, Professor Mizu sounds American, so clearly she knows what it is, because she's the smartest and most wonderful goddess and professor around!" Lavender declared.
"Yeah! Everyone who helps with the play gets Extra Credit!" Aqua agreed.
"But we all already have Os in this class. Why do we need this 'extra credit?'" Kazuma asked.
"Because, as my Best Buddy, you have to be the start of the show, Kazuma! Don't you remember when you and Yunyun starred in that play with me and Arue?" Aqua demanded.
"If I say yes, will you let me out of this?" Kazuma sighed.
But then Megumin jumped up. "I demand to be the star! As the destined protagonist of Hogwarts, I should have top billing! Yunyun is permitted to be my co-star, as she is my boon companion and/or rival."
"Hey! Aqua said I could be the star of the show! You can be the comedic relief or something," Kazuma sneered.
"Well, I'm certainly interested if it improves our grade, but aren't we going to learn some actual defense in this class?" Hermione asked.
"Meh, we'll worry about that later. We have some writing to do! Dang, if only Arue were here…oh well! I'm sure we can come up with something," Aqua mused.
Lavender coughed. "Um, actually, I already have a script here…it does call for Megumin to take a leading role, along with Kazuma…"
The young priestess pulled out several rolls of parchment, handing them over to Aqua, who scanned it.
"Hey, this is pretty great! It even has places for me to compose music and songs! 'The Spirit of Friendship: Casting Down the Dark Lord of Loneliness. A play by the Axis Cult!'"
"What does that have to do with Christmas?" Ron asked, sounding a bit baffled.
"It's set during Christmas, and friendship is totally Christmas-y!" Aqua explained.
"This sounds like the Die-Hard fiasco all over again," Hermione sighed.
"Die Hard is the best Christmas Movie! I approve of this endeavor!" Megumin declared.
"Perfect! Hmm, let's see, I have parts for Megumin, Darkness, Kazuma, Draco, Dust, Hermione, and Ginny! Plus, minor roles for extras," Aqua said, scanning the parchment.
"What? That's hardly fair! Daphne Greengrass complained. "Why does that lot get the good roles?"
"Because we're the main characters, and you're barely an NPC," Megumin informed her. She let out a squawk when Darkness poked her hard in the ribs.
"What Megumin means is that we have, er, experience in, um, theater," Darkness said, blushing slightly. "Think of this as a chance to get your feet wet, and perhaps you can get a bigger role next time."
"Don't complain, this is just an easy grade for us," Blaise told Daphne. "Besides, this class is a lark anyway."
"Professor Aqua has taught us more important lessons than just magic, such as Friendship!" Lavender declared. "Plus, if you all join the Union of Spreading Social Reform, we can do other fun things, like improv!"
"Pass," Draco said, making a face. Then he got an interested look. "You say Yunyun helped write this? So, well, as her friends…we should support her."
"I want to be in a play, it sounds fun! Is there a dragon?" Dust asked curiously.
"Why would there be a dragon at Christmas?" Hermione asked, folding her arms over her chest and raising a skeptical eyebrow..
"Dunno, just fond of them I suppose. Let me see what my part is!" Dust said, eagerly coming forward.
No defense was learned that day, but the play began to take form, and along with it, Yunyun's devious scheme to…make friends. Oh, and stay at school so she could perform magical experiments on a Giant Snake Monster.
Later that day, Hedwig the Owl managed to bypass most of Vernon's security, but instead of landing on the windowsill like she usually did, she instead opted to land on a tree branch after avoiding some razor wire and one branch that had been cunningly half sawed through, but would collapse if anyone tried to put weight on it.
Vernon, seeing the letter that had to be from his darling daughter, came out and retrieved it, which took several minutes as he avoided his own traps.
"Well, what have you got for us today, you great lump of feathers?" Vernon said gruffly, but handed Hedwig one of her favorite owl treats, then let her rest on his arm as he took her back inside.
After reading over the letter, Vernon sat down, looking a bit dazed. "Doesn't want to come home to see her parents? What are they doing to my poor sweet at that school?"
"Vernon? What's the matter?" Petunia asked, coming in from the kitchen to the parlor where Vernon was sitting. She took the letter the still stunned Vernon offered, then read through it.
"Why wouldn't she want to spend Christmas with Daddy and Mummy? Don't we get her enough presents?" Vernon asked plaintively, feeding Hedwig another owl treat as he stroked her feathers.
Petunia read it over, then grimaced. "Oh no. Megumin doing magic without a wand…bigger Explosions…" she began to fan herself with the letter, looking more than a little worried.
"But…but what about Yunnikins? I miss her," Vernon pleaded.
"Oh, Vernon. The girl is 12. She's just…spreading her wings a little. She finally has friends, and wants to do this play with them and spend more time together. She was always going to fly the coop eventually," Petunia told her husband.
"Not for a few more years! She's only twelve, not even a grown woman yet!" Vernon protested.
Petunia sighed. "You know the girls have hit puberty, you had to go get them pads over the summer while I gave them 'The Talk.' She's a young woman now, Vernon. And…well…a holiday in Spain does sound nice, doesn't it?"
"I suppose," Vernon grumbled. Then he took the letter and read it again. "Actually, with that little menace learning wandless magic…perhaps that's not far enough. Ever fancied visiting the Azors, or Hawaii?"
"Oh, I would love to visit Hawaii! I have never visited America. Do you suppose they speak English there?" Petunia asked.
"I'm sure there's a few yanks there we could get as guides when we interface with the locals," Veron said with a shrug. "I could take a week or so off work. It might be…nice."
"Yes, I think we should plan just that," Petunia agreed. "Hmm, there's more than one island, isn't there? I seem to recall Maui is where they grow the pineapples. We should visit there."
"Sounds lovely," Vernon agreed, thinking that it would be lovely to be very, very far away when Megumin tried to blow up the British Isles.
Meanwhile, across the street, Tonks was having a talk with Moody. "Look, boss, you're becoming obsessed with this nonsense. So what if a muggle beat you? His daughter and niece are witches and they helped him."
"If I can't get through a fat moron's little tricks, what kind of an auror am I?" Moody demanded, his fake eye rolling about wildly as it searched for Vernon's little traps in the yard. All of which were now very illegal, and some rather lethal as well.
"Well, I got you an early Fortune's Eve present," Tonks said in exasperation, and passed Moody an envelope.
"Just call it Christmas like a normal person," Moody muttered, and took it from her. He opened it to find a single airship ticket, along with a voucher. "What's this, then?"
"You're going on Holiday. To Hawaii. Get your mind off things," Tonks told him. "No, no, I'm not sending you to the overcrowded muggle resort. There's a lovely place on the island of Maui for magical sorts to take a vacation. It's less crowded, and they've still got lovely beaches for you to enjoy."
"I don't want a holiday, I want to get Vernon's goat!" Moody snarled.
"Don't YOU be a goat, boss! Look, just take it. It's a week off from your troubles. Maybe you'll find some new and exotic ways to get past his traps on holiday," Tonks sighed.
Moody grumbled about it, but then his eye fixed on something. Petunia was writing on a notepad while she was on the telephone. The words "vacation" "Maui" and "Christmas Luau" were on it.
A slow smile spread over Moody's scared old face. "You know, I've always wanted to go to one of those Hawaiian parties. What do they call them?"
"A Luau!" Tonks said, brightening. "Here, there's one at the muggle resort nearby. You can sneak in, I'm sure."
"You know Tonks, that sounds just like what I need," Moody said, taking the ticket.
Oh, he'd get Vernon, alright. That poor fool thought he could escape Moody by going to the other side of the world did he? Well, Moody would teach him that even on Holiday, CONSTANT VIGILANCE was required.
For her part, Tonks wondered why Chris had been so insistent that they needed to go to Hawaii. Whatever it was, she would be more than happy to take a vacation with her girlfriend. Maybe she could find a hunky Hawaiian local to have a fling with. Maybe an older man, with a scruffy exterior, and hidden secret.
Well, either way, she was ready for a holiday, and Moody had to get out of town if Tonks was. Someone needed to keep an eye on the old man.
Author's Note:
If you're wondering about the play Kazuma and Yunyun were in, it's from Konosuba Fantastic days, the mobile game. No, Kazuma doesn't remember that, and he'd rather forget. But Yunyun was adorable in it.
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