Chapter Thirty-Two - It Belongs In The Room Of Lost Things
Warning: Mentions of self-harm
Harry couldn't sleep, he kept trying to close his mind off like Severus had been teaching him all year, but it was hopeless. Images of the evening kept fighting their way through despite all of his efforts to block them…
Draco on the floor, in the water, his blood seeping out and swirling around him, Harry falling to his knees beside him… "Draco… Draco, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…!"
Harry's skin was starting to itch with longing, he rubbed at his arms, pressing his nails against his skin and feeling so wretched with himself that he felt the charm Severus had placed over his nails come off, and he dug his nails deep into his skin, feeling the the soothing burn as he tried hopelessly to stop thinking of Draco so close to death because of him.
Pressing his hands to wounds that wouldn't stop bleeding. Draco staring up at him, his blue-gray eyes clouding over with shock…his face twisted with pain…
Harry kept scratching himself, trying to soothe his anxiety and guilt, he really hadn't meant to hurt Draco like that. He didn't know that spell would do something as dark as split a person apart. He didn't even want to fight with Draco in the first place. Harry had just found him in the bathroom, crying, and when Draco saw his reflection from the mirror above the sink, he whipped around and shot the first spell… How could they ever be friends again after that?
And the way Severus had looked at Harry. That was the worst part… Seeing his dad's shock, his fear and his anger as he walked in and found Draco on the floor, saw what Harry had done… Severus had lost all patience with Harry, it was like they were back where they started again, professor and student, hating each other. The coldness was back in eyes and in his voice. That same disappointment and anger was heard in Remus' voice as well as he lectured Harry and gave him detention… And even though Harry hated them for banning him from Quidditch, Harry never wanted to see his dads look at him, speak to him that way ever again, but could he really blame them?
Guilt and shame twisted in Harry's stomach as he scratched himself harder. He felt so wretched, so utterly bad and stupid for what he'd done… He deserved the punishment Remus gave him and much worse… If Severus hadn't walked in when he did, finding Harry trying everything in vain to stop the bleeding, Draco could have died. Remus was right, he knew better than to use an unknown spell like that. Hermione was right this whole time about the Prince being a shady person, she'd been lecturing Harry for months about it, urging him to give the book to Severus, especially after Harry had used Levicorpus on Ron months ago. That spell could've turned out very wrong as well, Harry and Ron were both lucky it didn't… But Harry had trusted the Prince, now he knew he was very wrong to do so.
Tossing and turning… Draco's blue-gray eyes glazed over with shock, his breaths coming out in pain-filled short gasps, blooding flowing between Harry's fingers… Cold dark eyes suddenly upon him… A bad situation Harry couldn't control. He couldn't stop that spell from splitting Draco apart, couldn't stop him from getting hurt, couldn't reverse time to stop it all from happening in the first place… And Harry felt himself start to go into that trance, the need to cut, to really cut with a blade of a knife instead of hurting himself with his nails. It was so strong that his body was shaking hard, and it scared him… The pain pulsating inside of him, it had to be controlled… He tried to push it all away but it wouldn't budge. The dark feelings had latched onto him, and he didn't know what to do. Harry couldn't go to his dads. They were angry at him. But the last thing Harry needed right now was a bad relapse.
Harry turned over to grab the marker from his night table and his Invisibility Cloak, just in case, climbed out of bed and went downstairs to the common room, making himself comfortable on the sofa in front of the fireplace.
He fidgeted with the marker in his hands, the skin on his arms burning from his scratching. The worst part that happened after Harry had left his dads in the flooded bathroom, was telling his Quidditch team how he was banned from the last match of the season. Harry had avoided Ginny's brown eyes, feeling thoroughly ashamed and wretched of himself. He had let her down, he let the whole team down… And with that thought, Harry popped the cap off the marker and drew purple lines onto his skin, pressing down hard enough to make it hurt.
Harry couldn't help but think how Remus was right, even though he was still so angry at him and Severus for banning him from Quiddtich. Quidditch had nothing to do with the terrible spell he casted on Draco. It wasn't fair to punish his whole team for it as well…but keeping the Prince a secret, trusting in him and using his book, it wasn't worth hurting Draco, it wasn't worth his dads' disappointment and lying to them. It wasn't worth letting his whole team down, but it was too late to tell the truth now. Harry had thrown the book in the Room of Requirement, in a room filled to the brim with mountains of junk. Harry wasn't even sure he would be able to find it again if he wanted to, and maybe that was for the best…
Harry never wanted to see that book again or think about the Prince ever again… For someone to create such a dark spell, the way Draco's body had started splitting apart… It sickened Harry to his stomach. His body was shaking harder than before and he had broken out into a cold sweat. Harry felt himself falling deeper into the trance, pressing harder and harder until the tip of the marker really began to hurt and he welcomed the soothing pain that he was finally feeling outside of himself.
Draco was all Harry could think about as he admired the mess he created on his arm. Purple splotches of ink, beading drops of blood welling up from his scratches…and the need to cut finally went away… And without thinking, he pulled the Invisibility Cloak over himself and snuck out of Gryffindor tower.
It didn't take Harry long to get to the hospital wing. Luckily, Draco was there alone, sleeping. Harry pulled the cloak off, sitting at the edge of the bed, the small movement caused Draco to stir, fluttering open his eyes and watching Harry with confusion for a moment until he realized he wasn't dreaming.
"What are you doing here," Draco hissed.
"I wanted to see if you were okay," Harry said.
"I'm alive, now go back to Gryffindor tower."
"Draco…"
"Go, Harry, just go."
"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you that bad."
Draco turned over, pulling the covers over himself, signaling to Harry that he was no longer interested in talking to him.
"Are we ever going to be okay again?" Harry whispered, but was met with an awful cold silence.
Feeling even more wretched with himself, Harry sighed and pulled on his cloak again, leaving the hospital wing, thoroughly sure that he and Draco were never going to meet on the other side of the war anymore. Their friendship was over, how could it ever be okay after what happened between them in that bathroom.
Back in the common room, Harry couldn't bring himself to go back to bed just yet. He hated Draco, it was pulsating through him, creating hot angry tears to cause his eyes to burn and his throat to choke up, but he didn't let them fall. He was not going to cry for him, not going to hurt over Draco Malfoy anymore… And Harry found himself frustratedly blaming him for everything that happened. If Draco hadn't been so cold and mean to him, if he would've just dropped his act for one second just to let Harry know that he was doing okay, that they were still friends… Just one time when they found each other alone, instead of breaking Harry's nose and slamming him against walls, instead of kissing Harry only to push him away after… If Draco would have just let Harry in for one single moment, then maybe things would not have gotten so bad and messed up between them.
"Harry?" A voice called out to him from the stairs.
It was Ginny. Harry's heart leapt into his throat with surprise and a bit of panic, remembering how she had stuck up for him against Hermione's I told you so lecture. Ginny speaking up for Harry had dropped the matter altogether for the evening among his friends, making Harry feel a bit better for a little while.
"What are you doing down here alone? What is that you got there?"
Ginny appeared in front of Harry, indicating the marker he'd been fidgeting with again. He found himself paralyzed like a deer in the headlights. He could only stare at Ginny, dressed in her pajamas, her long red hair falling past her shoulder. Her eyes traveled to Harry's arm, seeing what he had done to himself and they widened with shock, then softened with understanding.
Ginny sat beside him, breaking Harry out of his shock. Her eyes were still on him filled with concern. Harry put the marker in his pocket, out of sight, his face burning with humiliation.
"I'm so sorry for letting you and the team down, Ginny," Harry said softly, his voice cracking with guilt.
"I know you are," Ginny said back with a concerned frown, reaching out and grabbing his hand, intertwining her fingers with his. Her brown eyes staring at the ink stains on his skin, the redness of pressing down very hard and the scratches that were crusted with drying blood. "You can't change what has happened, Harry."
Harry squeezed her hand, wanting to say something in response but the words got caught in his throat.
"I had to go through the same thing, remember?"
And with that Harry met her eyes, "Tom Riddle's diary," he said.
Ginny nodded, the shame and fear of remembering her first year at Hogwarts made her voice shake, "It was humiliating, everyone was so upset because of me. I got in so much trouble with my parents, and people got hurt… I know how you're feeling, Harry. I remember wanting to rewind the clock to the beginning of the year and stop myself from ever opening that diary, but I couldn't… Time will go on after today, and it won't be as bad anymore… The team will forgive you…and so will Draco."
Harry only sighed at that, looking down at their hands. He wasn't sure if Draco would ever speak to him again, let alone forgive him.
Ginny watched Harry's reaction to her words of comfort. "We still have a chance to beat Ravenclaw," she said with a more business-like tone she used often on the Quidditch field, causing Harry to draw his gaze back on her with a small close-lipped smile. "I'll play as Seeker and Dean can take my place as Chaser. See, we still have a strong team, you've trained us very well, and in a way you'll still be out there on the field with us through the tactics you've taught us."
Harry started to feel his anxiety wash away with her hand in his, trying to distract him by talking about Quiddtich, and knowing that he wasn't alone in feeling this type of wretchedness and guilt. Ginny had felt it too and she's found a way to live with it.
Harry reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, feeling butterflies in his stomach at the way she looked at him. "I've told you that you were meant to be captain, not me." He raised up his wand, "Accio captain's badge!" The little gold and maroon badge zoomed towards Harry's outstretched hand.
As Harry pinned it onto her shirt, he couldn't help but look up, and he found Ginny so close to him, her chocolate-brown eyes were all he could see, and he could smell a flowery scent that reminded him of the Burrow, of summer, of the orchard. He leaned in closer to her, butterflies fluttering like mad and creating bolts of lightning every time they touched the lining of his stomach. He could feel the goosebumps forming on his skin, and suddenly he forgot how to breathe as soft pink lips whispered, "I won't let you down."
Ginny's warm breath mingled with his and Harry closed his eyes.
"Even if we lose disastrously again, you could never let me down, Ginny."
Ginny's lips brushed against Harry, soft, warm, light as a feather. They weren't chapped and rough lips that tasted of salty tears. They didn't take from him then pushed him away. They didn't belong to cold gray eyes that made Harry hurt so deeply inside. This was different. It was different and it felt like home. It felt like eating breakfast at the Burrow and lying to Mrs. Weasley about eating already so he wouldn't hurt her feelings. It felt like flying in the orchard then coming back home to eat biscuits and drink hot butterbeer in front of the fireplace. It felt like laughter and woolen blankets, and chocolate-brown eyes, and being so very shy to just grab her hand and when Harry did it was like being lit from within… The spark Harry had felt from kissing Draco was now diminished, instead it was a warm comforting glow when he kissed Ginny back and Harry loved it.
Harry wanted more, he needed more, he pushed his tongue against Ginny's lips and she opened her mouth, letting him inside as he reached out and pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her small waist. When they could no longer breathe, they pulled apart and Harry opened his eyes to find Ginny gazing back at him panting for breath and lost in a daze, her cheeks dusted pink but looking very happy. And Harry felt the same as she did, not quite believing that this moment between them was actually happening.
"Ginny," Harry whispered, hesitantly running a hand through her long hair. "I've been wanting to kiss you for a very long time."
Her eyes were on his lips, leaning forward and giving him a slow kiss that made Harry melt. "Why did you make me wait?" she asked.
Harry leaned his forehead against hers, closing his eyes and taking a small breath, wondering if now was the moment to tell Ginny everything.
"I was afraid of how you may see me if you knew what I do to myself sometimes…" Harry choked out, his heart racing with fear of how she may react. "I didn't mean to push you away, I was just dealing with myself, trying not to see myself as the freak I was raised to believe by my relatives. I was trying to believe that you wouldn't see me as one either if you knew that I…"
Ginny pulled away as he spoke, her eyes focused on him.
Harry felt himself blush, his hands shaking as he forced himself to not rub at his skin with anxiety. He kept his mind on the glow of their kiss, keeping him present and strong enough to continue… "I cut myself…or I used to… I haven't had a bad episode in a while. I'm trying to stop, that's why…" Harry gestured at the ink and scratches all over his arm.
"Oh," Ginny said. "Harry, I could never see you as a freak, ever, and if you ever need to talk about cutting or you need help to prevent yourself from doing it, I'm here, okay?"
Harry was surprised to hear those words from her. "You're not scared off by this?" He gestured at his arm. "Most people would, I'm a mess, Ginny, you still want to be with me?"
Ginny leaned forward and kissed his cheek, her eyes were sad but she still managed to give him an affectionate smile. "I've been in love with you since I was eleven, I don't care that you're a mess, I'm a mess too. We'll both be messes together."
Harry couldn't help but smile, "Can I kiss you again?"
Ginny nodded again, and Harry leant closer to her, catching her lips into his and kissing her slowly, enjoying the feeling of being so close to Ginny after wondering about how it would feel like to kiss her for so long.
When they finally pulled apart, Ginny made a face at Harry, causing him to burst into laughter, pulling her close and tickling her, laughing at her squeals and giggles. And even after their bout of laughter, she stayed in his arms, both watching with amusement as Crookshanks pounced around on the carpet, chasing after a bit of string he found.
"Harry, you never really told me how you ended up with Snape and Remus as your guardians. You seem happier with them than you ever did with your relatives. I know they weren't exactly the ideal homelife, mum always worried about you every summer having to go back to them… The reason why you cut, was it them, did they hurt you?"
At all of her questions, Harry couldn't help but feel himself start to close up, it was all so much at once and he wasn't used to sharing his tragic past with anyone other than Severus and Remus. Till this day, after being best friends for six years, Ron and Hermione still only knew just a bit of it.
Ginny turned her head to Harry, frowning at his sudden silence. "I'm sorry," she said. "That was rude of me to ask…"
Harry sighed at her apology, pushing away his anxiety, his instinct to close up. He held Ginny closer to him, bravely kissing her cheek with reassurance that it was okay.
"No, it wasn't, you have a right to know everything if we are going to be together."
Harry felt himself tremble, trying to gather up everything he was going to say. He pulled the marker out of his pocket and took her hand, drawing a heart on her palm. The mindless drawing, the feel of her small hand in his, it calmed him… And before Harry knew it, he was telling Ginny everything.
.
.
The happiness Harry had fallen under after finally opening up to Ginny and knowing that she still wanted to be with him, that she didn't see him as the freak Harry thought of himself as sometimes, that she was one more person that he could completely trust knowing his past along with Severus and Remus, was what got Harry through the rest of the week leading up to Saturday.
Without Ginny, Harry wasn't even sure if he would have lasted those few days, walking through the corridors was unbearable because of the Slytherins. He and Ginny kept their relationship quiet. They didn't want the news of them being together to affect the Gryffindor Quidditch team, especially that Dean was replacing Ginny as Chaser.
Severus was still very icy towards Harry, hardly looking at him during lessons and in the Great Hall. It left Harry feeling dejected, but he understood why. He had really messed up. Hermione had pointed out that Draco was Severus' godson, that meant he knew him since he was a baby, and Harry almost killed him. Then he had the audacity to lie to his dad's face about where he learned the spell…of course Severus was upset. But Harry missed him, he missed talking to his dad. He just wanted to catch Severus' eye and see a small upturned corner of his lips, telling him that everything was going to be okay between them. Hermione told Harry to just give him time, and he was content and smart enough to follow her advice this time.
Remus of course had warmed up to Harry again. During breakfast on Saturday morning, he placed a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder while he was on his way to the staff table. Harry turned around to see warm hazel eyes staring down at him, he got out of his seat and threw himself into a hug with his papa, not caring that it was in front of the entire school, whispering his apologies to Remus, who only held him tighter and said, "I know you are, cub, we'll talk after your detention, okay?"
Harry was now making his way down to the dungeons with very low spirits, wishing more than anything that he was walking with Ginny, Ron and the rest of the Gryffindor team towards the Quidditch field. He had been hoping that Remus would be the one to give out the first detention in his office, that way Harry could have a view of the match from the window, but no, it was down in the dungeons in Severus' office with no windows and the room always being very, very cold, despite of the fireplace being lit most of the time. Severus had left the Great Hall early during breakfast, probably to get a sink full of dirty and crusted cauldrons that needed intense scrubbing for him. Harry took a deep breath, preparing for hours of tense silence between them and grueling work as he knocked on the portrait door and muttered the password when he heard the cold, "Enter."
Harry was met by Severus' icy cold glare. He was sitting at his desk, Harry entered the room, the door closing shut behind him as he stood in front of Severus' desk. He kept his eyes down, hating the way Severus was looking at him. It was how the old Severus Snape used to look at him, but Harry didn't call him out on it, feeling that he very well deserved this treatment.
Severus gestured at a small desk and chair in the far corner of the office. It wasn't a sink full of dirty cauldrons, but a stack of boxes full of index cards.
"You're going to spend the next few hours rewriting these detention records."
His dad got up from his seat, Harry raised up his eyes to see Severus flipping through one of the boxes.
"You'll find some familiar names… James Potter and Sirius Black, detention for setting off firecrackers during study hall… James Potter and Sirius Black, caught out of bounds and for lying when asked why they were out of beds during curfew… Should be fun, no? It's nice to see that their need to cause mayhem and their lying, their disregard for rules and anyone else's feelings but their own has passed down onto you…" Severus' voice was filled with cold sarcasm.
Harry balled his fists with anger, scowling at Severus' jibe, but he controlled himself from arguing back, only saying, "Yes, sir," through gritted teeth.
He spent the hours rewriting the old detention records, his heart leaping with excitement every time Harry read something about James and Sirius. He knew it was meant to be as a punishment, seeing how much trouble his biological dad and his godfather were, but it was interesting and amusing to see what they had gotten in trouble for. Most of them were from just stepping one toe out of line with Professor McGonagall. One was of Sirius calling her Minerva during class, which made Harry almost want to laugh. There were a few cards with elaborate pranks that had gone wrong, Remus and Peter Pettigrew were often featured in those. But the ones Harry hated were the records of James and Sirius bullying Severus or Severus caught bothering them, making his stomach knot up with an ugly feeling. He didn't want to be reminded of how his godfather and biological dad were bullying gits sometimes. Was that why Severus had Harry rewrite these detention slips or was it Remus' idea? To remind him of the trouble they used to get into, the bullies they once were?
Pausing in his work, Harry looked up at his dad, who was grading. Severus' eyes traveled back and forth as he read the essay he was working on. Crates of student potions and scrolls of essays were all over Severus' desk and in any available space around his office. Harry thought about breaking the heavy silence between them, but he didn't dare. He looked back down at his own work, pulling out a card and was surprised to see Remus' name on it…
Remus Lupin and Sirius Black caught in the broom cupboard by Filch after curfew… causing Harry to snort out with laughter. He raised his eyes quickly to see Severus, who was watching him with a serious frown.
"That's enough for now, I think. Mark your place so you can continue next Saturday."
Desperate to leave the cold dungeon so he could find Ginny and his team and see if they won, Harry did as he was told without a word, mentally going through all the plays he went over with them, hoping that most of them worked… His hands were shaking to find out if they won or not…
Harry was just about to open the portrait door when Severus called him back, "Harry, you're not dismissed yet."
He huffed with frustration then turned around to find Severus putting down his quill, his dark eyes on him.
"Take a seat."
Harry followed Severus' orders without a word, his stomach clenching, causing him to feel sick from the promise of an upcoming lecture.
Just at that moment, the door opened and in stepped Remus. Harry's eyes widened at the sight of him, examining him for any clue to how the match ended.
"Ah, Remus, perfect timing," Severus said. "I was just about to talk to our wayward son," he gestured towards Harry with a nod of his chin.
His papa was wearing dark-brown pants, a white shirt and tan vest with a blue tie, not a speck of gold and red confetti or even bronze and silver was on him. Remus gave nothing away as he sat at the chair next to Harry.
The way they were suddenly looking at him, so serious, Harry started to feel himself close up, imagining himself placing some bricks where the wall used to be and he tried to fight with himself, tried moving the new bricks away… Harry just couldn't stand being such a disappointment to him, especially Severus. He was tired of receiving the cold-shoulder from his dad.
Suddenly, a hand lifted up his chin. Harry raised his eyes to see that it was Remus. Then Harry realized he was rubbing his arms. He pulled them apart and shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Ginny and Ron made me promise not to tell you," Remus said with a wink. "I didn't give you the detentions to be mean to you, I hope you understand that, Harry."
Harry pulled his chin away from Remus' grip. "I worked so hard for that match. I was forced to let my whole team down. If they lost today because I wasn't there…"
"You gotta have faith in them that they can stay on their brooms without you. I apologize that you're hurt over it, but it was the only way I could get you to understand the seriousness of what you've done and to get you to understand that there are consequences to you lying to us like that. We are your guardians, we don't deserve that sort of disrespect. Now, apologize to Severus for calling him a bastard, for lying to him…"
"Remus! He tried using Legilimency on me! And he still won't speak to me!"
Remus raised his eyebrows, "I can have the detentions carry on to the next school year if you'll like."
Harry sighed with defeat, keeping his gaze down, feeling thoroughly ashamed and chastised. His cheeks reddened as he said, "I'm sorry, dad, for lying, for disrespecting you and cursing at you…"
"Harry, you could've killed Draco," Severus finally said.
Harry finally looked at his dad, his voice full of the guilt he'd been under for days. "I'm sorry," his voice cracked, his eyes suddenly stinging a bit. "I know it was stupid of me to use that spell… I didn't really mean to hurt him… I really didn't know what that spell did."
"And that is where the problem is, son, don't you ever use an unknown spell on another person like that again. You know better than that! Where did you learn it?" Severus calmly asked. "No lying."
Harry took a deep breath, deciding at that moment to just tell them. There was no point in keeping it a secret anymore, especially when he knew Severus most likely saw the book in his head, and he was already in so much trouble that it cost him the last Quidditch match of the season and endless detention. Maybe now he could finally receive answers about the Prince. He always had a feeling that Severus might know who the Prince was, it was found in his classroom after all. And Harry realized that he should've just told Severus about it when he found it, keeping it a secret just caused a huge mess that wasn't worth the consequences. That book belonged in the room of unwanted things, lost forever, and safe from other students.
"That Half-Blood Prince," Harry said quietly.
Severus studied him, Harry wondered what he was thinking. He barely had a reaction. He has to know who the Prince is….
"Prince?" Remus said with surprise. "The name you've been searching for?"
Harry nodded, seeing as Remus shot Severus a peculiar look. Harry whipped his attention between them. That look just confirmed Harry's suspicions.
"You know who it is?" Harry said to Severus.
Severus only frowned, seeming to be in a silent war with himself. "That boy was deep in the dark arts, Harry," he finally revealed. "Nothing good could come from that book. You should've turned it in as soon as you found it, that's all I'm going to say. Do you still have it?"
"I threw it in the Room of Requirement, in a room filled with lost and unwanted things. I don't even think I could find it again if I wanted to," Harry admitted sheepishly.
"Good," Severus nodded with approval. "Let it be lost in there."
Sensing the end of the discussion on the book, Harry said with surprise and frustration mixed together, "You're not going to tell me more about the Prince? Only that he was a boy lost in the dark arts? Did you know him personally? Did he go to school with you? Why was it in your classroom?"
"I did know him, and he isn't alive anymore so there is no use dwelling on who he was. He only wanted fame and attention in the worst way. Best not to give it to him."
"But, dad, he was brilliant, don't you agree? To be able to improve potions and create spells, even if they were dark."
"Yes, he was very brilliant."
"Was it Voldemort?" Harry couldn't help but ask, even if it was very far-fetched that it was.
"Don't use his name, and no, it wasn't him."
Harry studied Severus who was seeming very uncomfortable now with all of his questions, yet answering them as vaguely as possible and with patience. Another question popped into Harry's mind, one he didn't dare to ask or allow himself to actually think about the answer… Were you the Half-Blood Prince?
"Harry, I don't want to waste the rest of the afternoon lecturing you," Severus continued. "Do you understand never to use unknown spells on yourself or another person? To never trust a book that may seem like it could think for itself or have written spells or instructions that may seem dark?"
Harry nodded, his cheeks flushing.
"And do you understand why Remus gave you those detentions and banned you from Quidditch? To help you understand the seriousness of your actions, almost getting Draco killed, and it being a consequence of your disrespect and lying to us."
Harry nodded again.
"No more lying."
"Yes, sir."
Severus sighed, getting up from his chair and kneeling down in front of Harry. "Mental health check, let me see your arms."
Without a fight, Harry held out his arms. The ink stains from that night in the common room were still there yet faded and the scratches he had done to himself were now scabbed over and turning into white scars.
"Son," Severus could only say with surprise.
"It was a tough week," Harry said with shame.
Remus leaned over and squeezed Harry's shoulder with silent support, seeing the mess he'd done to himself. "Cub, even when you're in trouble, when we're upset with you, still come to us when you're feeling like that."
Harry only nodded, his eyes burning a bit and he swallowed from the sudden tightness in his throat as Severus healed the scabs, leaving small white scars. He then began to clear up the ink stains. "No more lying," his dad said again as he worked. "No more secrets. You have one more month of term, please, for the love of Merlin, stay out of trouble." Severus then muttered a spell, tapping his wand to Harry's nails, causing them to glow pink. He put the infant charm back on to prevent Harry from scratching himself up again.
Harry grinned, "I can't promise you anything on that last part."
"Bloody teenager," Severus muttered with feigned annoyance, pulling Harry into a tight hug, feeling all of the coldness between them melt away from their embrace. He missed his dad, catching the scents of ink and coffee and parchment, and the scents of his shampoo and aftershave from his morning shower.
"Are we okay again, dad?" Harry asked into his shoulder. "I missed you."
"Of course we're okay, we'll always be okay, no matter how rude we get to each other."
"I'm sorry for everything."
"I know you are, and I accept your apologies. I'm sorry to you as well, for trying to use Legilimency on you, for being so cold and distant with you. I didn't mean to make you feel alone. I just needed time to process everything."
Harry nodded, burying his face into Severus' robes, feeling a few stray tears escape. And when they ended the hug, Harry quickly and quietly wiped them away.
"Do you want to talk about what you were feeling when you did this?" Severus said, indicating Harry's arm.
"Not really…" Harry said. "Just that I was feeling really bad about myself and guilty and worried for Draco… I visited him to apologize, but he wouldn't talk to me."
"I'm sorry, kid," Severus said. "Maybe it's for the best…"
Harry just shrugged, feeling deflated, thinking that perhaps his dad was right.
"Don't beat yourself up over what happened too harshly, it's already been done, you've learned from this and now forgive yourself," Severus continued.
"Have you ever screwed up so badly like this?" Harry asked, looking at him with such low spirits.
Severus' eyes suddenly clouded with pain and regret, and he didn't answer, or maybe he couldn't. It was Remus who said, "We both have, cub, and you know who else?"
Harry turned his gaze to his papa who had been quiet during most of his and Severus' conversation.
"Sirius, remember how he almost killed Severus?"
That brought his low spirits back up, "How long did it take for you to forgive him?"
"Months…and James maybe a few weeks…"
"What about you, dad?" Harry asked Severus.
"I'll never forgive him."
And for some reason that made Harry smile.
Remus suddenly nudged him in the shoulder, giving Harry an affectionate smile, hazel eyes dancing with excitement that caused a prickle of it to develop in Harry, making him remember why he was in such a rush to leave Severus' office. "You're dismissed, cub, go to your team. They are waiting for you at Gryffindor tower."
And Harry didn't need to be told twice. He quickly leapt from his seat and dashed out of the office with Severus shouting, "No running in the corridor!" ringing out behind him, followed by Remus' loud burst of laughter.
Once Harry was gone, Severus sat back down in his desk chair, meaning to take a moment to process the conversation he just had with his son.
"Why couldn't you tell him?" Remus suddenly asked.
Severus gave Remus a questioning look.
"That was a chance to tell Harry about your role in the prophecy and his parent's deaths."
Severus groaned at that, "I know… I know it was, but I froze. I couldn't open up that box just yet… It would've caused a whole other argument."
"It's going to be worse the longer you wait, love, and you won't want him to find out from someone else. It's better Harry hears it from you directly and not through gossip."
"I know, you're right of course."
Remus snorted at that, then said, "So, you're the Half-Blood Prince…"
"Remus," Severus groaned again, this time with humiliation.
Remus chuckled at his reaction, "How did you come up with that name?"
Severus felt himself flush even more with embarrassment and shame. The reason why he didn't admit to Harry who the Prince really was, was because Severus was thoroughly ashamed of it. He was able to hide that old version of himself from Harry, but not from Remus.
"My mother's name was Eileen Prince before she married my father. When I was at Hogwarts, I tried to disassociate myself from everything that was my father. I hated him, I hated how he would hurt my mom and make her feel ashamed for being magical and talented in the arts of potion-making. I hated what he did to her, and I refused to let him break me like that. I refused to be known as the son of Tobias Snape and so I secretly made up a new name for myself, the Half-Blood Prince…"
"In honor of your mother because you're half a Prince, your magical side," Remus said.
Severus nodded, "It would seem as if I was only bringing attention to my magical side and hiding my muggle side with some superiority complex of pure-blooded wizards being better than muggle-borns, but really it was only because I just hated my father so much. And it fit in perfectly with the Death Eater kids I hung out with and their beliefs on pure magical blood nonsense. And wanting desperately to fit in somewhere, I allowed it to be seen as such."
Remus nodded with thought to what Severus had revealed, then he caught Severus' eye and grinned, "Half-Blood Prince, it sort of has a nice ring to it, makes you sound royal as well."
Severus threw his face into his hands, feeling himself blush even more than ever before. "Ugh, Merlin, please stop… It's so embarrassing."
Remus let out another chuckle, leaning forward and pulling a hand away from Severus' face, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear and meeting Severus' gaze with a gentle smile. "Hey, you were just a kid, we were all embarrassing twats at that age… I went by Moony."
"Moony is far better than Half-Blood Prince, it makes me sound pompous and arrogant. Yours at least, was cool."
Remus snorted at that with amusement, then asked with a more serious tone, "Why couldn't you tell Harry the truth about the Prince being you."
"Because it's not something I'm proud of. What I've created in that book, the boy I was, was so lost, angry, and deep in the dark arts. I created those spells to prove my worth, I corrected those potions out of arrogance, to show the Death Eaters I hung out with, what I could do if I joined their ranks… I didn't want to show Harry any of that, and that I was once proud of it… I'm very ashamed of that book's existence."
Remus nodded to Severus' reasons. "I understand…but the potions you corrected, that isn't to be ashamed of, love, it's brilliant, you should maybe one day publish your own potions book… Just not one that caters to the dark arts."
Severus smiled a bit at that. "It's actually a dream of mine… Impossible…but still a dream…"
"Who says it needs to be impossible?"
And Severus was suddenly trapped in beautiful hazel eyes.
"Are you going to get the book back?" Remus asked, breaking Severus out of his trance.
"No, it belongs in that room of lost things, just like that boy."
Remus stood up, Severus watched him go over to the small desk where Harry had sat during his detention. Admiring how Remus looked in his brown vest and white shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Sometimes Severus couldn't believe that someone like Remus Lupin could be in love with someone like him.
"When I told you to have Harry rewrite detention records, I didn't think you would give him the ones from our generation," Remus said with a small laugh.
Thoroughly appreciating the change of subject, away from the Half-Blood Prince, Severus stood up as well and made his way over to his boyfriend.
"I felt bad for him, I thought that Harry could have just a bit of fun reading what you and your friends got up to, since he's going to be stuck rewriting these for a month… Also, Lily used to be very proud of never receiving detention, which I don't believe, next Saturday I'm telling Harry to keep an eye out for her name."
Remus laughed at that, carding through the boxes in search of Lily's name. "Hmmm… You've gotten soft, my dear Severus, when have you ever felt bad for a student doing a well-deserved detention?"
"Since that said student became our son."
Remus picked out a card from the box, reading it. Severus now standing behind him, wrapped his arms around Remus' waist, hugging him close against his chest and resting his chin on Remus' shoulder.
"Remus Lupin, detention for still not returning a library book a month after it was due… Issued by Madam Pince… Ahh, what a little rule-breaker you were," Severus teased, placing soft butterfly kisses on the back of Remus' neck, enjoying the vibrations of Remus' answering laugh.
"Oh, like you were a saint…" Remus carded through them, finding one with Severus' name, who lost himself to suckling at a tender spot on the back of Remus' neck.
"Ahh, here we go, Severus Snape, detention for… Severus!"
Severus picked Remus up before he could finish and carried him to his desk, covering his face with desperate kisses, then latching onto his mouth as he sat him on his desk, kissing him thoroughly as Remus began to pull off Severus' robes.
.
.
Severus was awoken in the middle of the night by a sharp burning pain in his forearm. He let out a gasp, clenching his arm, he didn't want to go. The Dark Lord was calling him. What did he want with him now in the middle of the night? Could it be about Draco's accident? Severus doubted the Dark Lord would even care if Draco survived or not to do the task, as long as Severus made sure it was done.
He quietly climbed out of bed, careful to not wake Remus up. He bent down, leaving a lingering kiss on his temple, inhaling his sweet scent that gave Severus strength to answer the dreaded summons. They had retired to Severus' quarters this time, knowing they wouldn't see anymore of Harry that day due to celebrating with his teammates. Remus had told Severus that Gryffindor had won the match and to expect Minerva to arrive soon to gloat about it…and oh, Merlin she had….
Severus could see the crescent-shaped moon from his enchanted bedroom window. He stood in front of it after putting on his dark Death Eater robes, mask in hand, watching the moon as he prepared himself, mentally hiding all of his most treasured thoughts and memories behind his strongest shields.
Severus found the Dark Lord in Malfoy Manor, sitting at the head of the long table as if it were his throne. There was no one else in the room. Severus didn't dare show any emotion, any fear, nothing as he stood before the Dark Lord, answering his questions about Draco and if he was still capable of performing the task.
Severus was reminded of his Unbreakable Vow. He had felt the tug of it as he had pieced Draco back together. What Remus and Harry didn't know was that if Draco had managed to die on the bathroom floor, Severus would have dropped dead beside him. Severus should be counting his lucky stars, thanking the universe that he was there in the right moment to get to Draco in time, if he hadn't, everything would've been lost.
"Draco is recovering at a fast pace, he's set to be out of the hospital wing very soon. Before his accident he was making steady progress. That cabinet should be fixed by the thirtieth of June."
"And he couldn't have done it without you, Severus… And for saving his life… I've decided to give you your reward early, to also ensure that you do not fail me…"
Hours later, instead of Apparating back to Hogwarts, Severus flew to the gates of the castle, just as the sun was rising.
A/N: Thank you for reading! I really always appreciate it and I'm always deeply touched that you take the time to read it and you've made it this far. Especially from the ones who take the time to review, I hope you guys liked my update. Next chapter should be by end of September or earlier, hopefully. Three more chapters to go!
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