Edward: Well, that was fun, wouldn't you say Seth?
Seth: Best time I've had being a wolf.
Riley: My everything hurts.
Bella: Are you gonna kill him, or…?
Seth: Yeah, he's suffered enough. I'll put him on the fire with Victoria's remains.
Riley: What if I promise not to kill her now?
Edward: Do you really?
Riley: …well, I mean, I am kind of annoyed you killed the first woman I ever loved, and who loved me back…
Edward: She didn't love you.
Riley: YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I'LL KILL YOU!
Edward: Alright, add him to the fire.
Riley: No, waitwaitwaitwaitWAIT! *gets thrown on the fire* Aww, man.
Bella: So, how'd the other battle go?
Edward: Oh, they're fine.
Bella: Really? No causalities?
Edward: Nope, not a single one. And I'll prove it by having Seth transform back into a wolf so I can see what's happening there.
Seth: Okie dokie *transforms into a wolf*
Edward: Yep, definitely nothing…oh…oh, that's bad…and that's worse…
Bella: Okay, who died?
Edward: I already told you, no-one died.
Bella: Then who…
Edward: Jacob got hurt by one that they thought was dead.
Bella: But he'll be fine, right?
Edward: Oh, definitely.
Bella: Well that's not so…
Edward: Also the Volturi's coming.
Bella: Wait, what?
Edward: Yeah, we gotta go *throws Bella on his back* Seth, you may need to leave.
Bella: *as Seth leave* Wait, why aren't we taking a wolf with us?
Edward: Silly Bella, because the Volturi slaughter werewolves.
Bella: They WHAT?!
Edward: Also, we're here now.
Bella: Wait, what? *sees they're in the clearing* …you know what? Whatever *sees an unknown but living vampire with the others* Wait, why's that one alive?
Alice: She surrendered. We figured she might be less evil than the rest.
Jasper: We nothing. I still say we should kill her.
Emmett: *with his fist still embedded in a vampire's skull* You're just saying that because I beat you by one in the contest.
Jasper: *immediately rips Emmett's vampire's head from its body* There, now I win.
Emmett: That one was already dead.
Jasper: It was twitching.
Emmett: Of course it was twitching. I had my fist lodged in its nervous system.
Esme: Guys, calm down. You're both winners.
Jasper and Emmett: That's not how a competition works.
Carlisle: Alice, how long until the Volturi get here?
Alice: About two minutes.
Rosalie: Excellent. Enough time to fix my hair.
Bella: Really? That's what you're thinking about now?
Rosalie: Hey, the dangerous part's over, why shouldn't I?
?: Are you guys just ignoring the fact that I'm here? And that I still sort of want to kill her? *pointing at Bella*
Bella: Who are you, anyway?
Bree: My name's Bree Tanner, and I…
Bella: Yeah, I don't think anyone's interested in your backstory.
Bree: You don't know, I could become a main character.
Bella: Alice, what are the chances of that?
Alice: *coming out of a trance* Not great.
Bree: Aww, man.
Carlisle: Shh…here they come.
Jane: *bursting through the smoke of burning vampires* Okay, what the fuck is with the dog smells out here?
Edward: Hi Jane, how's it going?
Jane: Damn it, they didn't even kill any of you?
Jasper: What can I say, we're awesome.
Jane: You didn't even kill all of them. There's one left.
Carlisle: She's planning to change.
Bree: I am? *Esme nudges her with her knee* Oh, I mean, I am.
Jane: She broke the law.
Bree: There's a law?
Jane: Yes, and your army broke it.
Bree: How is it my army?
Jane: You're the last remaining member of it, therefore you're the leader.
Alice: You can't blame her, her creator never taught her any better.
Jane: Oh yes, because ignorance of the law is perfect justification, is it?
Bella: You just feel like killing someone, don't you?
Jane: We just flew out here from Italy, someone dies. Preferably you, since you're supposed to be dead anyway, but I'll settle for this one.
Bree: Please, I didn't know what I was doing. I was only ever told…
Jane: Felix?
Felix: Okay *rips Bree in half*
Bree: Well, this is an inconvenience, but I can still recover from… *gets thrown on the fire* Aww, man…
Jane: Now, about punishing them…
Felix: What have they done?
Jane: I'm sure we can pin something on them.
Felix: Like what?
Jane: I'm glad you asked *pointing at Bella* This one is supposed to be either dead or one of us. So, since she isn't…
Edward: Oh, that reminds me *hands Jane a piece of paper* You're invited.
Jane: …invited to what?
Edward: Me and Bella's wedding, of course.
Jane: Why bother marrying a dead woman?
Edward: Silly Jane, she's not dead yet.
Jane: She will be when I'm through with her.
Felix: Jane, I think this is their way of covering up her changing.
Jane: Yeah, but does that really matter?
Felix: I think Aro would be fine with it.
Jane: Does he have to know though?
Felix: …I mean, I'd tell him.
Jane: *sigh* Fine, whatever. Just a waste of time if we only came here for one kill though *starts leaving*
Edward: See you at the wedding.
Jane: *from across the clearing* Go fuck yourself.
Edward: Can't wait to see her there.