Sides of Life

"That's it! I can't take anymore!" Magneto twitched while pacing back and forth. "Those mindless subordinates of mine have finally gone too far! They are completely out of control! They've turned my top-secret base literally upside-down and made it their own personal playground where madness and insanity run wild! Well, no more! The lost era of chaos and lunacy ends now!"

"Sure it will," Sabertooth grunted leaning against a wall. "And just how do you plan to go about laying down the law around here while cowering and hiding out in Storage Room Eight?"

"I'm not hiding out," Magneto defended. "I was forced to take refuge here after those idiotic maniacs flooded my private office with glitter and body foam again. That's the third time this month! I had no choice but to relocate to a temporary sanctuary…, I mean sanctum."

"Right," Sabertooth drawled sarcastically. "And the fact it keeps you out of the Three Stooges' line of fire has absolutely nothing to do with it."

"Shut up, Victor!" Magneto snapped. "It's not like you're doing much better. You're here for the same reason I am."

"Well, duh," Sabertooth grumbled. "This storage room is one of the most remote and isolated areas of the base. Aside from the parts that have already been trashed. The farther I am from the endless storm of craziness those lunatics cook up the better!"

"I can't say I blame you," Magneto muttered with a snort. "Still, sheltering in a confined and poorly air circulated place with you isn't exactly pleasant either. Why did I ever let you stay here?"

"Because I finally agreed to share what's left of my personal stash of booze," Sabertooth reminded holding up a beer. "After you threatened to flay me alive and the Firebug's loony dodo managed to set your entire booze collection on fire."

"Ah, of course," Magneto sighed taking a sip of scotch. "How could I forget?"

"Ohhh, my head," Mastermind's muffled moans were heard on the other side of the storage room's door. "Help! Let me in! Please, have mercy!"

"Oh great," Sabertooth cursed. "How did Bonzo find us?"

"Who knows?" Magneto whispered. "Just be quiet and wait for him to leave."

"I know you two are in there!" Mastermind pounded on the door. "Open up with your arms raising a waiting glass of gin above my head!"

"Forget it, Bonzo," Sabertooth growled. "There ain't enough booze in this base for the three of us. There isn't even enough for me!"

"Testify," Magneto agreed.

"If you two don't open up I'm going to tell the trio of cracked nuts exactly where your new hiding place is!" Mastermind warned. "And their little dodo too!"

"You wouldn't," Sabertooth blanched.

"He would," Magneto groaned opening the door using his powers. "Fine! Come on in."

"It's about time!" Mastermind gasped staggering into the room. His hair and clothes were heavily scorched and shredded. "You have absolutely no idea what latest outlandish abnormalities those loony fools have put me through. Ooooooh…"

"Wanna bet?" Sabertooth grunted.

"It was madness! Madness, I tell you!" Mastermind collapsed onto a nearby crate with a wild look in his eyes. "I've never endured anything like that before! I was lucky to get away with my life!"

"If only the opposite could be said about the perpetrators," Magneto moaned.

"This endless whirlwind of silliness and bedlam can't go on! Its very existence defies all the laws of nature!" Mastermind ranted retrieving a brandy from Sabertooth's booze stash and drinking it straight from the bottle. "I swear, every time I feel like I've hit a new low, I find myself plunging down another gaping maw of chaos, pain, misery, suffering and despair!"

"Tell me about it," Magneto groaned taking a drink of his own. "Better yet, don't!"

"Why must I be forced to suffer such an inane- and madness-saturated existence?" Mastermind wailed raising a hand towards the ceiling. "How did things ever come to this?" He quickly finished off the remains of his brandy. "My life's become a joke! I'm about to have a stroke! While suffering a continuous migraine!"

"You're not the only one," Magneto winced.

"My poor brain and nerves are frying! I often burst out crying!" Mastermind continued his lament. "While trying not to go fully insane!"

"Too late," Sabertooth quipped reaching for another beer.

"I'm always stuck on the wrong side of life!" Mastermind sang while rubbing his abused body. "Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"Oh no," Magneto groaned. "Here we go again."

"Always caught on the wrong side of life!" Mastermind repeated with a wince. "Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"You ain't the only one, Bonzo," Sabertooth grunted indicating himself. "My life's become absurd! All reason's been deferred! With every zany antic caught on tape!"

"Including this one," Magneto sighed. "I don't know how, but I know it will end up being recorded some way!"

"For no matter what I do! There's wackiness anew!" Sabertooth howled with a nervous twitch in his eye. "From all the madness there is no escape!"

"Obviously," Magneto groaned at his oldest subordinate's behavior.

"Oh, always smacked by the wrong side of life!" Mastermind and Sabertooth wailed in unison. "Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"I know who I'd like to smack," Magneto moaned. "Everyone I'd like to render unconscious, including myself!"

"Oh yeah! Always thwacked by the wrong side of life!" Mastermind and Sabertooth continued while unashamedly weeping. "Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"Ha! You think you two have it bad? Just look at me!" Magneto hiccupped waving a hand around. "I'm not really a bad guy! All I want is to get by! I'm a victim of circumstance, you see!"

"Ah!" Mastermind and Sabertooth nodded understandingly.

"I work, labor and strive! So that mutant kind may thrive!" Magneto cried gazing up to heavens. "SO WHY IS ALL THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!"

"'Cause…!" Mastermind and Sabertooth prompted.

"Always stuck on the wrong side of life!" The three elder mutants sang nursing their various mental and physical wounds. "Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Always caught on the wrong side of life! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"Chaos fills the air! Lunacy is everywhere!" Mastermind ranted hauntedly. "Every bit of common sense has been consumed!"

"Madness has many friends! The craziness never ends!" Magneto wailed. "It's clear we're all completely, hopelessly doomed!"

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

CRASH!

"He-lloooooo, everybody!" Pyro chirped blowing off the storage bay door with a fireball. "Oooo, neat hang out spot!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Sabertooth screamed at Pyro in terror. "Auuuggghhh! Always stuck on the wrong side of life!"

"Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!" Mastermind whimpered having been hit by the destroyed door and now lay crumpled up beneath it. "Always caught on the wrong side of life! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"Ahhh, stay away from me!" Sabertooth cried shielding himself with his hands. "Always smacked by the wrong side of life! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"Always thwacked by the wrong side of life!" Magneto and Mastermind repeated. "Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Always stuck on the wrong side of life! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!"

"Oh geeze, look at everything I've lost!" Mastermind wailed pulling at his hair. "Reason, sanity, dignity, serenity, self-respect! What more is there? Nothing!"

"Always stuck on the wrong of life!" All three elder Acolytes sang in despair. "Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow! Ow, ow!

"Awww, don't be like that, blokes," Pyro chided clucking his tongue. "Just shake off your worries and look at all the things you have to be grateful for. After all…some things in life are bad! They can really make you mad! Other things just make you scream and cry!"

"Like you!" Magneto snapped.

"When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble! Give a whistle!" Pyro beamed ignoring Magneto's comment. "And this'll help your drooping spirits fly!"

"Not as much as your death!" Sabertooth roared. "Something I'd be happy to carry out right now!"

"So, always look on the bright side of life!" Pyro smiled and began to dance around.

"Do-doh!" Pippi cooed skipping through the doorway. "Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!"

"Oh no," Mastermind paled. "Not again!"

"Always look on the light side of life!" Remy and Piotr echoed entering the room.

"Do-doh!" Pippi squawked cheerfully. "Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!"

"Oh no, here come the other dodos," Magneto groaned. "And I'm not talking about the bird!"

"If life seems bloody rotten, there's something you've forgotten!" Pyro sang happily. "And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing!"

"Everything I wish you weren't doing now," Magneto glared dangerously. "Along with talking, breathing and living!"

"When your good cheer dissipates! There's no worries, mates!" Pyro grinned twirling around. "Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing!"

"I'd rather wring your stupid neck!" Sabertooth lunged at Pyro only to have Pippi leap onto his head. "Ahhh!"

"So, always look on the bright side of life!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr laughed and proceeded to shoot streams of glitter, shaving cream and silly string everywhere.

"Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi chirped while peaking at Sabertooth's hair.

"GAAAHHHHHH! GET OFF ME, YOU STUPID BIRD!" Sabertooth howled. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS!"

"Come on! Always look on the right side of life!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr continued with Pippi backing them up. "Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!"

"Ow," Mastermind whimpered as everyone danced and ran over the door. "My back! Ohhhhhh…"

"For life is quite absurd! Mixed up, shaken and stirred!" Remy smirked filling the air with handfuls of charged, glowing glitter. "Whether winging it or following a plan!"

POP!POP!POP!POP!POP!

"Yaaahhhhhh!" Magneto covered his eyes to prevent being blinded by the explosions.

"Let merriment begin! Give your fellow mates a grin!" Pyro cackled. "Enjoy life and go live it while you can!"

"And you expect me to do that how?" Mastermind moaned.

"So, always look on the bright side of life!" The three younger Acolytes sang and continued frolicking about.

"Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi chirped still perched on Sabertooth's head.

"Always look on the light side of life!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr repeated.

"Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi cooed.

"GAAAHHHHHH! STOP NIPPING AT MY HAIR!" Sabertooth shrieked. "NO, NOT MY BALD SPOT!"

"Life's a masterpiece!" Piotr declared. "Where wonders never cease!"

"Full of fun and larks and jokes, it's true!" Pyro insisted.

"No, it's not!" Magneto snapped.

"No matter life's tempo! Keep on laughing as you go!" Remy smiled. "As sheer madness and insanity ensue!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" The trio of elder Acolytes wailed in terror.

"So, always look on the bright side of life!" Their three younger counterparts sang happily along with their time-displaced avian friend. "Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Always look on the right side of life! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!"

"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Sabertooth shrieked with half his hair now torn out by the roots. "DIE, YOU STUPID DODO! DIE!"

"C'mon Sabes! Cheer up!" Pyro urged setting the various clumps of Sabertooth's removed hair on fire. "Always look on the bright side of life!"

"Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!" Pippi squawked.

"Will somebody please get me out from under here?" Mastermind whimpered still pinned underneath the door. "NOT, NOT THE DODO! ACCCKKK, DON'T PULL ME BY MY HAIR! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

"Always look on the light side of life! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh! Do-doh!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr chirped along with Pippi. "ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!"

"Maybe I should consider building another Asteroid M," Magneto groaned as fire, explosions, madness and silly string proceeded to destroy what remained of the storage bay and his sanity. "To isolate me from these mindless nuts and their incessant idiocy once and for all!"

Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".