"I could've spent a lifetime drinking whiskey with you."

Audrey sat in her office, holding her head in her hands. The words spun round and round in her head.

"No blame."

But who else could she blame? Who was it that couldn't save him? Who couldn't give him his life back? Her dark hair was dishevelled and her clothes were crumpled. She had been at the hospital since 7am, and it was now midnight, and she still couldn't find a solution. More and more trauma patients had rolled in and this was the first chance she got to properly think about the fact that…that Neil was dying. She needed to accept that.

That she was going to lose her best friend. The person who would cheer her up. The person who would tease her about her whiskey order. The person she would always call first.

The man she still loved…

Audrey couldn't help but feel guilty. She was just sitting here, while Neil's family still didn't know that their son was going to die, and Neil was lying there, knowing that he only had a few hours left to live. She wanted to run into his room, kiss him, tell him that she was still in love with him, tell him that she wanted to spend her whole life with him. But Claire would probably still be there. She would be holding his hand, reminiscing about thin memories that couldn't even amount to the ones she and Neil had made.

"I love you."

Those three words were still a knife in her heart. Audrey could feel the tears dripping down her face at the memory. Words that were spoken to her, were now given to Claire. She crumpled onto her desk.

She had left Neil's room, letting the young resident have her moment with her mentor, but had stayed just outside, trying to collect her thoughts, not knowing what she would hear, how she would feel.

"I love you too." Neil's response had driven her over the edge. Audrey had kept it together when she saw him but she could feel her eyes brimming with tears at this and she took refuge in her office.

How could she have left him? Why didn't she try harder? How could she choose her job over Neil? She regretted everything. If she could, she would start again, spend more time with him, treasure each moment with him, do everything better.

The door opened suddenly, and Claire ran into the room, tears streaming down her face. Audrey knew at once, and started crying afresh.

"He's gone," the she said inbetween sobs, "he's dead."

She got up and went to comfort the young woman, pulling her into a tight hug, even though her own heart was aching, and she felt as if she would crumple from the weight.

"It's ok, it will be ok," Audrey murmured, trying to find comfort in her own words.

The funeral was held at the nearest church. Neil's family had been called over and were obviously devastated, clutching each other mournfully. A few of their colleagues and the residents were invited, all dressed smartly in black, with sombre expressions on their faces. Audrey walked into the church, in a loose black dress, hair brushed out but unattended to, and eyes rubbed red. It was obvious she had been crying as much as Neil's parents and sister had been. She went to sit on the friend's side, when she felt someone touch her shoulder.

"Audrey, mi mija. Come sit with us." It was Maria, Neil's mother.

"Mrs Melendez? No, no, I don't want to intrude at a time like this. Don't you mean Claire?" Audrey asked, sadly.

"Claire? Who is this Claire? And please, call me Maria dear. Neil loved you so much, mi mija, this is what he would have wanted. Come on now, sit." Maria said, tearing up at the thought of Neil.

This time Audrey didn't resist, but she was confused, though she was too consumed with the funeral to query. She sat next to Maria and they both smiled sadly at eachother.

"You know," Maria said. "Neil was always talking about you, it was either Audrey this, or Audrey that, even when you broke up. You were always such a good friend to him, Audrey, he thought the world of you."

"Thank you, Maria. You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that." she said, tearing up.

The funeral procession began, the sombre tones rising and falling. Maria and Juan made their way up to the altar to begin the eulogy, standing arm in arm, trying not to cry.

"W-well, h-he was, Neil was the-" Maria broke down in tears, leaning onto Juan for support.

"I'm sorry, we can't do this," he said, his voice wobbling as he spoke. He led Maria back to their seats. It broke Audrey's heart to see them like this, with everyone still staring expectantly at them, but Maria and Juan were in no state to give a speech right now. So she did the one thing that she could do for them, for Neil.

Audrey stood up, and made her way up to the front, while everyone looked at her, surprised. She looked around the church, avoiding Claire's questioning gaze, before taking a deep breath.

"Neil was my best friend. And he was the best friend I could ever ask for. When I called him, no matter what he was doing, who he was with, he would pick up. He would patiently listen to me ramble on and on, letting me complain to him, talk to him about anything. If I had a bad day, he would cheer me up. Tease me, chat to me, even the rare compliment from time to time." Audrey smiled at the thought. "The asshat would take me out for drinks after a long day at work, and annoy me each time by telling me that I should drink my whiskey neat. It's a bit late, but I think I'm starting to like it. I hope you're listening Neil, because I miss you, and we'll never be the same without you." Tears were rolling down her cheeks.

No one clapped as it wasn't seemly in a setting like this, but nearly everyone had tears in their eyes.

After the ceremony, Audrey quickly exited the church, wanting to feel the fresh air against her face. It felt increasingly hot and stuffy inside, and she couldn't bear a moment longer in there. She breathed deeply, savouring the cool air. She had been feeling off for a few weeks now, aching all over, but now she simply relished the feeling of being alive.

"Audrey! Mija!" Maria came towards her, clutching a little parcel. "Juan found this in Neil's room, I think it's for you." She handed Audrey the parcel, which had her name on it.

"Thank you, Maria. I'll open it at home." she said.

"He really did love you, Audrey, I'm so glad you came." Maria pulled her into a hug, before waving goodbye.

Audrey wanted to take off on her ducati, feel the wind in her hair, the adrenaline rushing through her veins, but she had taken her car to the funeral, thinking it was the safer choice.

She made her way back home, slamming the door behind her, before sinking onto the floor.

Audrey opened the parcel, and began to weep.