Galvanizing Emotion

by Uictoriam Ducere

Charlie has been called many things in his life. A criminal, a thug, and now a deadman. Awakening in a world filled with headache inducing magic ponies who drive him crazy was the last thing he expected. He must now learn to keep his temper in check to stay on their good side as they are the only ones who can bring him home. Being murdered though, makes that kind of difficult… AU

18. Act 1: Death or Taxes

Chapter 18: Death or Taxes…

"What good is the warmth of summer,

without the cold of winter to give it sweetness."
-John Steinbeck

Two Days Later

Sunday, Hearth's Warming Eve

Charlie POV

"I said I don't want to go!" I yell at the equally stubborn purple mare sitting across from me, "I get one fuckin' day a week to lay back and relax without you fuckin' ponies being a pain in my asshole and I'm not about to let you turn it into errand central because you were too worried about me to do it yesterday."

"Worried!" Twilight screeches like it was a sin to say and I cringe as the sound perforates my eardrums, "Oh, worried doesn't even begin to cover it, Charlie! For your information, I had to watch you yesterday as you kept wandering around the library literally not knowing who we were with how out of it you were all day! It's a miracle that fever finally went down on its own when it did because your temperature hit 105! Did you know that's almost about the point your brain starts boiling itself?"

I shrug as I bite into the banana Spike handed to me when we sat down, "Well, I'm better now and I'm still breathing so who gives a shit? I certainly don't."

"Yeah! Now you are for some reason! I don't even know what started it!" She jumps out of her chair and begins pacing around the kitchen table where we all were seated. the rest collectively sigh knowing this is just the start to one of Twilight's triads, "I looked through every book I could find last night to see what kind of sickness had consumed you and I found nothing! It wasn't Blue Flu as you didn't turn, you know, blue."

"Yep, as pale as ever, shit stick."

"It surely wasn't Feather flu unless you're hiding feathers anywhere which I know you're not." She stops by me, and an eyebrow raises as she looks at my pants, "Unless…"

"You touch me I'll rip your horn right off your fuckin' head and stick it where the sun doesn't shine."

"Right, anyways…" She continues circling the table as she brainstorms, "Couldn't have been hay fever… If it was, I think you'd definitely be sick a lot more as all of us eat it almost every day…"

She stops and looks at me and she lifts some of the hay off of Apple Blooms plate and rubs it on my face as I glare at her silently. She chucks it back onto the plate when nothing happens and Apple Bloom blanches when she sees a hair sticking out of her meal.

"Okay… not hay fever," She surmises as she scribbles a line off her notebook, "It definitely isn't neigh fever as you're not whinnying uncontrollably." she pauses yet again and stares at me like I was her personal lab rat, "You could be swearing instead though…"

"Fuck you, you fuckin' up-fuckity fuck head of fuck mountain! Get fucked!"

"Well, if you didn't say things like that all the time, I'd start believing that was the case…" She droops down and saunters over to her floating notes, "Again, unidentifiable! Do you know what that means!"

I look down at Apple Bloom who shares my confusion and turn to the librarian, "uh… That you really need a hobby that doesn't involve me?"

She gallops onto my chair and rests her hooves onto my chest and shakes me a little, "It means that whatever you had we've never seen before! Like ever, in all of equestrian history! When I sent a letter to Nurse Redheart she laughed at me!" She lets go before I could wallop her with Spike's spoon and begins pacing again, "Well, not in person, but she wrote down her own laughter in words and sent me it in the mail for me to read aloud! Laughing! At me, for even suggesting helping you! Like a new sickness having never been recorded before in pony history isn't something to maybe bring a minuscule amount of medical caution towards! We could have been dealing with a level 3 going into a level 4 contagion on our hooves!"

As she was talking, I use my hand to puppet her pointless noise as well as going cross eyed making Spike and Apple Bloom, who were sitting next to me, giggle. She stopped her pacing when she heard us, and she ground her teeth making me swiftly put my hand down while whistling like I didn't do anything wrong.

"It's such a good thing whatever you had was temporary and seemed to be an isolated case… We should be so lucky that you're alive." She strained out like she wanted to explode.

"Yep, I feel like a million bucks. Thanks for looking out for me, dingus," I say while taking another bite of my banana I lean back in my chair, "eh maybe like a thousand…" I frown as I move over one of those weird string things on my fruit, "Actually make that 10 dollars. I'll feel like a million when that inflation hits. Anyways, the point I'm trying to make here is that I'm not up to getting this fuckin' heavy ass oven for you, period."

Her anger kind of simmers and she just slumps down in defeat, "I could be just overreacting, and this could have been some kind of health-related thing…" She looks at my incredibly baggy clothes and sighs, "You haven't exactly been taking care of yourself these last few months."

"You're kidding right?" I blow air out of my nose as I play the xylophone with my ribs, "This is the peak human male body. You may not like it, but this is the peak performance looks like!"

"That's not what Futtershy said in the letter she sent to me…" She admonishes as she pokes my leg, "She said you're extremely underweight and I need to up your meals which is exactly why we haven't left yet."

I flick her nose making her yelp, "If you start treating me like a pet, I'll start pooping on the carpet and that's a fuckin' promise. I ain't Spike, Tiddle Dick."

"Hey!" The dragon yells out at my obvious jab.

"This could be serious, Charlie, you could-" She shakes her head, "you know what, I'm not even going to waste my breath on this. I know you're not going to listen to me anyways."

"Fuckin' finally! It took you, what, like seven months to figure that soft nut out on your own?" I pinch her cheek and wiggle it a little like I was a grandmother, "Fuck you're slow but I'm proud you got there in the end. Your did it!"

She uses her magic to squeeze my hand with the force of Hercules and she tosses it back to my side as she glares at me, "If you're as fit as you claim you are then you'll have no excuse to help me for just a little bit then."

I wave a hand at her, "I told ya, dick cheese, I ain't lifting no fuckin' oven for no pony, no way no how."

"But that's all you have to do!"

"Well, it seems I only have one thing to painfully avoid then!" I start getting giddy in my seat, "Oh this days getting better and better! And why the fuck can't you get someone else again? There's an entire fuckin' town out there to choose from."

"It's Hearth Warming Eve, Charlie, everyponies busy at the moment and they won't let us use their ponies to ship it to the library because of very obvious reasons in the shape of you."

"Sucks to be you then!" I look at her as she paces by me, "You know, it's people who shop on holidays like you is the reason America is falling apart by the way."

She stops her pacing and stares at me, "This is literally the only thing I need you to do today! Just one little quick stop at the Antique shop and then you can simmer in your room or whatever it is you do in there for the rest of the afternoon."

"Aww man, The antique shop?" Spike finally asks as he was mid chew. He swallows and turns to Twilight, "What happened to getting it at Filthy's Barnyard Bargain's? I really don't want to talk to Clutter..."

"You know exactly why, Spike." She moans out tiredly, "I talked to Filthy earlier in the week and he won't sell me one because of what happened the last time he came to the library. In fact, he won't sell me anything until Charlie's no longer living with us…"

"Wait a minute, Filthy? That fuckin' scumbag?!" I toss the fruit onto the table and stare at her, "Consider that a fuckin' blessing he doesn't want to do business with you then. Why in the fuck would you want to buy anything from that dildo anyways? After the lip he gave you he's lucky he still has eyeballs to look out of?"

Her lip purses as she recalls the events, "…While I didn't agree with his attitude, he just wanted a volume of economic laws, Charlie, not a drill instructor to chew him out and threaten his life. I'm just thankful he didn't press charges on you."

I scowled at her, "Yeah well, he better be fuckin' thankful he didn't because if he did, I'd meet him at his house with a baseball bat and way too much free time on my hands."

"Wait, you're talking about Filthy Rich? Diamond Tiara's daddy?" Apple Bloom asks me as her face holds some befuddlement. "Huh, the last time Ah saw him he was when he came to pick up Tiara with his mane all in a rut and he was talkin' about how this weird forest creature came out of the darkness and-" her look drops and she stares at me, "he was talkin' about you wasn't he?"

"He just called me a forest creature?" I shake my head in disappointment, "I really must be losing my edge from living here for so long, your fruitcakeness is rubbing off on me. I'll remedy that by making sure to put in extra elbow grease the next time I throttle him so he can come up with something much more creative."

"Filthy Rich? You throttled him?" She asks cautiously like she's watching a car crash she can't turn away from.

Spike takes a look of some type of pride, and he stands on his chair, "Heck yeah he did! Filthy didn't know what to do when Charlie grabbed a hold and started shaking him." The drake starts giggling like a schoolgirl and continued, "It looked like he was about to cry as he stuttered like a baby. 'P-p-p-please don't hurt me Mr. Ape pony. I've got a filly and a mare' Bwaaaahahahaha" He falls over as tears start forming.

"Spike! It wasn't something to laugh about! He has deep pockets in this town and I'm afraid it only made things worse for us!" Twilight chides but the dragon keeps laughing.

He wipes a tear away and keeps going, much to the mare's dismay, "My favorite part was when you held that spoon to his nose and promised to scoop out his tiny brain to feed it to him. I didn't know a pony could lose color like the way he did! He looked like he was about to start haunting the library at any moment! Aahahahahaha"

"Don't forget the part when he ran away like he shit himself." I point out to him.

"Oh definitely!" He shakes his head, "I still think him running into the door was the highlight."

"Yeah, I forgot he did that." I chuckle, "Idiot should have known it was a pull to open. Fucker almost barreled through it after Twilight saved his sorry excuse of an ass."

"And that ass could run far, couldn't it? Hahahahaha!" Spike loses it again.

Apple Bloom shakes her head at our antics, and she turns to Twilight, "It's like two peas in a pod…"

The mare looks so defeated when she stares at us, "Tell me something I don't know."

"What can I say? I'm a cunt and he's a cunt sandwich." I turn to Twilight who just looks done with everything that has any connection to Charlie O'Hannah, "And speaking of types of cunts, I ain't going and that's fuckin' that."

The lavender mare groans, "I'm not asking a lot here, Charlie, we need this oven so Spike can make our annual Hearth's Warming vegetable tian for tomorrow's dinner." She gazed at the one I melted a few weeks ago, "I really don't want to eat dry oats again especially on the holidays and I'm sure Spike doesn't either."

The drake looked like he was about to argue and then he paused, his scaled eyebrows raised, and he nodded his head in agreement, "That's actually a good point." He pokes at his bowl full of God only know what with his spoon and sighs, "I could really go for some fish right about now too." He starts drooling and I swear his eyes swirl into little hypnosis circles.

I slap the back of his head, knocking him out of his feral mode, "Don't you fuckin' dare turn on me right now? We were just having a moment."

Spike pokes his sandwich, "But I really miss meat, Charlie. Twilight won't let me cook it over the fireplace because it 'stinks up the room'," He turns to the unicorn and he puts his hands on his hips, "Isn't that right, Mrs. control freak."

"I just want to go into my living room without it smelling like a fish tank! Is that too much to ask in my own home?!" She hollers.

"If you miss fish so much, then you go fuckin' get the oven if you want it that bad, boots. No one's stopping you from pulling it over here."

He rubs the area and glares at me, "You know, I'd love to if it wasn't for the fact I'm like a foot tall and weigh like 50 pounds."

"That's just code for 'I'm a huge pussy'" I look down at him, "And if you start trying to convince me to go, I'll use you to clean out the toilet. Spoilers, I didn't flush this morning."

He smirks at that and shakes his head, "What's the matter? The big bad Charlie's afraid the townsponies are going to find you if you go out into town? I heard Filthy put a bounty on your head."

I poke his forehead making him flinch some, "Firstly, go fuck yourself. Secondly, no I'm not afraid of some wealthy eyes wide shut, shit eating elite. In fact, I fuckin' eat them for fun. Used to do it all the time at home."

"That's a lot of talk for a Scaredy cat." He says smugly making me groan.

"Fuck you, mental midget, I'm not doing this right now."

"I hear your teeth chattering from here, yellow belly."

"Yeah? Well, I hear your heart beating from here. You want me to fix that!"

Spike rolls his eyes as I shake my fist at him, "C'mon, Charlie, it's just one little thing. 15 minutes and we'll be in and out. No problems no hassle." When I didn't budge, a certain type of smugness that I can only describe as infuriating forms on his baby dragon face, "How about I sweeten this for you, literally. You help us get the oven; I'll finally be able to make some cupcakes again. I know you've been dying for them since the bakery shut down~"

Yeah… That's true. God, out of all the places I destroyed why'd it have to be the Sugarcube Corner…

He smirks and starts elbowing me while his eyebrow starts bouncing, "They'll be rocky road~ Just like how you like them~"

"…Damn you…" After a silent sigh I stare at the baby dragon who looked like he was eating up my own confliction and I finally make my decision, "Make them double chocolate chip too and we got a deal."

He positively gleams, "Deal!" We spit in our hands and shake on it which he seems really giddy about this for some odd reason.

I turn to Twilight who held a soft smile at our little exchange, "There, now you can get off my dick about it." I point at her with malice, "But you better fuckin' leave me alone after this. I also ain't going to Rarity's today so you can tell that psycho yourself about that whole mess. As a matter of fact, I ain't leaving the library today AND tomorrow. Don't forget we made a fuckin' deal about your day. No fuckin' buts, ifs, or even what's! Capiche, ya talking dictionary!"

That smile doesn't leave and she nods her head, "Yes, I remember, Charlie, I won't bother you at all for the next two Monday's." her small smile now shares the same shit eating nature as her assistant, "It's just a shame it's Hearth's Warming Day tomorrow. It would have been nice to have forced you to open presents with us…"

I blink at her, "Presents? Oh God no! You didn-Please don't fuckin' tell me you got me something."

"Why would I say that?" She says coyly.

Feeling my eye twitch, I cross my arms and simmer some, "Hope you still have the receipts because I ain't gonna be there and that's final, so you two have fun."

Spike playfully punched my arm, "C'mon! It's Hearth's Warming! One of the best days of the year!"

Glaring at him he shrinks a little, "Oh, I fuckin' know what it is, small dick. It's exactly like fuckin' Christmas at home and I'm having none of it!"

Twilight walks over to her seat, "I really doubt its exactly the same, you're from an entirely different reality…"

I lean further into my chair, "Gifts under stupid decorated pine trees, herpes infested kisses underneath the mistletoe, big family dinners where you get stuck washing dishes, and the worst of all; Holiday fuckin' shopping like you want to do right fuckin' now… Ring any fuckin' bells? Sleigh bells perhaps?"

"…Okay, maybe they are the same, but what's there to hate about it!" She laughs out, "If you know what the holiday is then you shouldn't be acting like a foal about it. Are you really going to sit there and tell me you can't stand it at all?"

I slowly turn to her and I could tell from her own wariness that the look I was giving her was as serious as they come, "I. Fuckin'. Hate. Christmas. Period." I pick up my half-eaten banana and to finish it, "I ain't going to that pageant thingy tonight and I won't be here tomorrow, and this isn't up for debate."

"Aww yer not gonna watch us perform at the play because you don't like the holiday?" Apple Bloom scoffs at me, "What kind of Hearth's Warmin's do you have where you don't want to be around em anymore?"

"The kind where the only gifts you get are broken bones and hospital visits, you fuckin' parasite." The filly recoils at that and I point at Twilight, "I would rather have my testicles mushed in a vice than to be a part of your little powwow. I ain't going."

She honestly looked really hurt by that and sulks a little, "…Alright… I'll just… leave you alone tomorrow then." Her mouth twists some and she looks at me, "But if you change your mind, we'll be here. It would be nice to have you."

"Hmhmm, sure, I'll be sure to decline that immediately so you won't get your hopes up." I take the last bite of my banana and throw the peel over my shoulder and it lands on the floor when I turn to Apple Bloom, "When the fuck is this foster shit your family has me doing going to end by the way? I'm sure you've got holiday shit to do so you'll be leaving right? Please tell me I'm right."

She rolls her eyes with a smile, "Fer your information, Ma family is coming over here instead to celebrate." Her eyebrows bounce, "The entire family…"

My heart skips a beat, "No…"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeup!"

I slump into my chair and groan for a ridiculous amount of time.

"Oh hush," Twilight giggle out, "You're not even going to try to mingle with them so it shouldn't bother you in the slightest."

I stick a rebellious finger in the air, "It's the principle of it!"

"And what pinciple is that? The cardinal rule of being anti-social?" Spike asks as he pokes at my arm and I smack it.

"The principle of me trying to escape from this cursed fuckin' dimension for a fuckin' afternoon in my dreams and you fuckers are making that impossible! Fuck!" Pulling myself up, I rub my forehead, "Oh man, I need a fuckin' drink…"

"There's water right in front of you." Apple Bloom asks, puzzled.

"Not what I'm thirsty for…"

She blinks and she cocks her head, the bow swooshes a little as she does so, "Ah'm pretty certain it'd quench yer thirst, Charlie."

"Oh sweet summer child, if only you knew how wrong you were…" I murmur and try grasping at a floating bottle of jack that I know for a fact isn't there, "What I'd give for a bottle of scrumpy right about now…"

The filly looks at Twilight with a furrowed brow, "Are you sure he isn't sick anymore?"

"Sick in the body? No. Sick in the head? Absolutely." As I was about to grab the succulent mirage, a ruler comes out of nowhere and slaps my hand making the bottle poof away in a cloud of dust, "And I already told you, you can't have any of that."

I slam the table pretty hard with a fist, "And why the fuck not!"

"It's against the law, Charlie, as you've been told time and time again since you've arrived." She remarks, "Alcohol consumption has been outlawed in Equestria for good reason."

Apple Bloom's eyes widen when she hears that and she clams up tight as she resumes eating like we weren't talking for some reason.

I use my spoon to launch a carrot slice at her head and it bounces off gaining her attention, "Do you know what laws are, Twilight?"

"Guidelines to society so it doesn't fall to chaos." She states quite quickly with a deadpanned expression as she rubs the spot the carrot assaulted her.

"Yeah, to you maybe by being a sucker and all." I lean forwards with a scowl, "No, laws are these stupid commands dictated by dunces who couldn't find a corn kernel in their own shit let alone tell you how to live."

She rolls her eyes as she pulls a hay and flower sandwich off a plate, "I don't even want to begin to talk about the law again with you. Your people are backwards and I don't understand it nor do I want to."

"No, most of them are suckers just like you, lining up to kiss the ass of the man." Spike and Twilight share a look of annoyance as I continue a rant they've heard a thousand times, "I'm not going to sit here and listen to a piece of paper in a book larger than a Prius fuckin' make me live my life in subordination."

Twilight finally groans and takes my bait to argue the same three points like we've done a multitude of times, "If the rest of your people are 'suckers', as you put it, what are you supposed to be?"

I was about to tell her something along the lines of 'I'm a thief who beats the shit out of people for money' but that doesn't even sound good in my head let alone out loud. I already had this inner conflict at Fluttershy's and I'm not about to have it happen again. Especially after all of… that… with Dylan…

I kind of slump some and back down a little, "Someone who just doesn't like being told what to do, I guess…" Immediately after I said that I could tell Twilight wanted to continue this pointless banter so I cut her off before she could, "So what kind of fuckin' oven are we dealing with here? Is it fuckin' heavy?"

The mare's mouth shuts when I ask and she studies me a moment before sighing, "Well, it's an oven, Charlie, I suppose it is. That's why I kind of need your help." She grows a look that shows some doubt, "Though, if they even sell them there that is…"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means, I don't know if they have one in stock or if he'll even sell us one," She shakes her head as she summons a bag teeming with bits and starts counting them one by one, stacking them on the table. "I haven't talked to the shopkeeper just yet so we're going to have to hope for the best."

My mouth was left agape at what she just said, "You've got to be kidding me…" she turns to me, "You're gonna make me walk across town for an appliance that may or may not even fuckin' exist?!"

"Yep!"

"Fuckin' marvelous… Another fuckin' headache Spike has, yet again, dropped in my lap." I look down at bastard who's in the process of making a Shaggy sandwich with how many layers of different ingredients he's adding, "We need to put you on a diet…"

As he lays the last slice of bread on his creation and he ties a bib around his neck, grabs a knife and fork, and licks his lips in anticipation. After a moment, he throws the silverware over his shoulder and vacuums the fuckin' thing into his gullet in a single, jaw unhinging, unnatural bite. He belches quite audibly and then dabs his lips on the bib as he lets loose a satisfied sigh.

He finally turns to me with a goofy smile, "Put me on a what now?"

"I-" groaning, I pinch the bridge of my nose, "Nevermind…"

Apple Bloom and Twilight giggle at my expense before a giant pocket watch appeared in front of the unicorn rather abruptly making her gasp as she sees the time, "Goodness! It's already 11 in the morning! We've better hurry to the antique shop before the pageant starts!"

The yellow filly starts jumping in excitement, "Ah can't believe it's today already! Just think at 6 o'clock today, Ah'll be up on that stage in front of the whole town!" Her look falter a little and she turns to me, "You think yer plan with Scootaloo is gonna work?"

"Plan? What plan?" Twilight asks confused as she looks between us.

I shrug indifferently as I stand up and start walking towards the main hall, ignoring the librarian's question, "I don't know and I don't really care if I'm being honest. I ain't gonna be there…"

I hear her trot up behind me and she exclaims, "Oh poppycock! If ya didn't care ya wouldn't have told her what to do."

"Again, we won't know if I helped her or not unless she gets her lines right," I stop and she bumps into my leg and I look down at her, "Did you do the-"

"Yep! We did it all yesterday like ya told us!"

"Okay, what about the-" I whistle to complete the sentence.

"Of course we did!" She sparkles in confidence.

"And did you get Rarity to-"

"All taken care of!" She announces proudly.

"…Okay… Now all you have to do is hold on to your tits and pray to your heathen god that this thing will work. For your friend's sake at least." I say and walk out of the kitchen with the motley crew close behind.

"Uh… what was that all about?" Spike asks as we walk around the main hall that's still a fuckin' mess from the other day.

"You fucker's need to clean in here…" is all I say as I topple a small pile of books over onto the floor.

Twilight scoffs at that and she forgets the previous conversation like she was a goldfish, "Well, maybe if you weren't wearing your underwear on your head and walking around calling yourself the king of a place called Eng-land we'd have had time to sort this place out a little."

My head whips towards the mare, "I did not fuckin' do that!" The three all looked at each other and then back to me without saying a word, "Okay… maybe I did do that, but that doesn't mean you all get to be fuckin' slackers. I'm honestly disappointed and ashamed," I say rather sardonically.

"You and me both, Charlie…" She says with while teetering on the edge of exhaustion as she walks by me towards the main entrance with the other two tots following, "Now come on, let's get this pony show on the road."

"Yeah yeah, let's just get this over wi-" A thought hits me and I stop as I tap my body looking for a certain journal that should be on my person. Looking at the table, I spot it laying amongst a bunch of scrolls and letters making me growl as I walk over because I just know these shits had their filthy fuckin' mitts all over it again. Can't a fuckin' ass hat like me just get a single fuckin' ounce of privacy in this shithole? Just as I was about to swipe it, I notice a letter that was partially open that made me pause.

There was a royal seal that was broken, but that's not why I stopped. The contents were written in English. I've never seen anything written in English outside my own journal so the bizarre nature of this just gets weirder as I pick it up and read the first line.

To our faithful foreign friend, Charlie P. O'Hannah,

Da fuck? Who the fuck wrote me this?

I hope you're finding life in Ponyville comfortable; I spared no expense in ensuring, at the very least, some contentment may find you despite the inconvenience that has been wrought from your arrival. Though, I understand that's not what you want to hear so I'll skip the pleasantries.

My sister and I have fallen on some grave ne-

"Charlie! You coming!?" Spike shouts from the foyer making me jump a little. I turn to see the three all donning their winter attire not really paying all that much attention to what I just picked up and I look back at the letter with a suspicious scowl and decide to save it for later. Folding it, I place it inside of my journal where hopefully it would stay until I had time for it later.

"Yeah… Coming." I say as I walk over staring at the leather binding a bit warily.

As I approach the big egg-shaped red door, I grab my trusty quilt and pack the journal into a makeshift pocket on the inside of it I had sowed a couple weeks ago. Can't have enough fuckin' pockets, let me tell you. Swinging it over my head, I feel for the other pocket I keep my mittens inside of and don them as well so I'm nothing if not comfortable in the cold at the very least. We've been pretty lucky the last few days as the weather's been pretty mild though I've got a feeling that it won't stay that long forever.

My knee's aching though and that means a storm's a brewin'. Mark my words…

"Okay! Let's get to it!" Twilight smiles as she slipped into her last boots, and she uses her magic to swing the door open.

What we see on the other side was Flash Sentry sitting on the step facing away from us as he taps his hoof impatiently. The sound of the door unlatching makes him swing around with a face full of hope, but it was ultimately crushed when he sees me standing there along with the rest.

And I fuckin' mean Crushed…

"You've got to be kidding me!" he shouts as throws his helmet onto the snowy ground in frustration and it slides to my feet.

"Uh… hello to you too?" I say incredibly confused by his reaction.

It wasn't until spike walked over to him and he put out his hand and beckoned him to give him something when I realized what was happening.

"Curse you, you swindling devil…" Flash grumbles as he fishes for his bag of bits.

When the bag lands in the drakes hand, you could feel the aura of his puffed-up smile as he feels the bits inside, "As always, it's a pleasure doing business with you."

The pony soldier growls as he lowers his head to stare into his dragon eyes, "How did you get him to come with you? I was sure he'd want to sleep in on a Sunday."

"Rocky. Road. Cupcakes." the dragon says, dragging out the syllables of each word one by one to infuriate the stallion even more.

"Clever…" He mumbles out with his stare still burning a hole into the dragon.

"Not as clever as me, Flashy." he looks at the bag and laughs, "At this rate, you're going to single hoovedly put me through college!"

Steam comes out of his nose, "I could single hoovedly put you in a hole in the ground, you sniveling little-"

"Flash…" Twilight warns in a threatening tone.

The tin pony shakes his head and starts stuttering after realizing who was standing there, "Y-yes. Good morning to you, Mrs. Sparkle, I hope the night went without incident?"

"Aside from my assistant almost getting himself maimed over a few bits, yes we've had a quiet night finally." She side eyes me with some annoyance, "Though, Charlie definitely made it interesting."

I jab a thumb on my chest, "What can I say? My middle name is interesting, sugar tits."

"I thought it was Perry?" Spike asks innocently and I freeze upon hearing it.

"Yeah, it is… thanks for fuckin' reminding me, turd." I whisper underneath my breath as my mood just plummeted like the stock exchange in 08.

Twilight noticed the look on my face and thankfully redirected the attention off of me, "It's good to see you, Flash, I was actually waiting for you to show up earlier as I have a request for you."

"A… Request?" He repeats like he's afraid of what it might be, "What kind of request? The last time you asked me to do anything I ended up pint sized and it took you an entire day to fix it..."

"Oh, stop being a foal, I fixed it didn't I? Anyways, nothing too crazy from your regular duties." She nudges little Apple Bloom towards him, "Can you escort her to Rarity's and then meet us at the Antique store across town? It's right by the big clock tower, you can't miss it."

He looks at me and then Apple Bloom, "Uh… Are you sure that's such a good idea? Being alone with Charlie? He hasn't been anywhere in town other than you and your friends homes and the town are still very upset at him." he looks at me and some serious doubt enters his features, "Why don't we all just go together to be on the safe side."

That pocket watch appears again, and she shakes her head, "We're behind as it is today and the shop closes early because of the pageant. That and Apple Bloom here really doesn't want to be late for her role in the play. Isn't that right?"

"Ah'm gonna be the best Smart Cookie this town's ever seen, Twilight!" She giddily yells as she hops up and down, "You'll take me to Rarity's, right Mr. Sentry? We still have some more stuff to do before the play starts!"

Flash looks at the filly and smiles a little as he softly sighs, "Of course I can, that's no hassle at all." he looks at me and his smile disappears, "You better behave yourself and I'm not telling you this because I think you're going to hurt somepony. The word around town hasn't been good and I fear something may happen. So help me if you-"

Halfway through his rant, I picked up his helmet and slammed it back onto his head making him slump down onto the cold icy ground, "Yeah yeah, ass munch, I've heard every threat under the sun, most of which were directed at me, so if you want to keep wasting your own breath go for it because I ain't gonna listen."

He lifts his head and pushes the helmet up a little so he could properly scowl at me, "I'm not threatening you; I'm trying to prevent you from being put in a cage for fillies to throw circus peanuts at. The mayor is, quite frankly, obsessed with removing you from town." He stands up and walks closer to poke a hoof at my thigh, "by any means necessary."

I swat his hoof off of me, "Yeah, well she'll be pretty hard set on getting rid of me that fuckin' easily, not with sunbutt in my corner." I flick his helmet and it makes an annoying ringing sound, "Isn't that right, Flash Sentry?"

He fixes his helmet one more time and glares at me, "That may be true, but the Princess isn't here right now. She may-"

"Will yall stop bickerin' already?!" Apple Bloom screeches making us cringe and we look down, "Ah better not be late to this play because you two can't talk like normal ponies!"

We both point at each other. "He started it!" We both say in unison.

Twilight sighs as she pulls my ear with her magic and she starts down the road with me in tow, "That's enough out of you two…" She looks over her shoulder at the soldier, "Flash, we'll see you in a few."

"Of course, Mrs. Sparkle. Come along, young Apple Bloom."

"O' course! Oh, I'm so excited! Hey! Maybe you can help us out later? We need somepony to hold-" is all I could hear before my own moans of ow's leaves my lips as I'm pulled away from the giant oak. Finally, once we were about a block away, she lets go making me rub the piece of sore cartilage.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I snarl, "Is it that time of the month for you already? Need a rag?"

"Hey wait up for me!" Spike yells as his skimpy small legs trudge through the snow, "Jeez, Twilight, a little warning next time you try and storm off?"

"And maybe a little warning the next time you fuckin' grab me like a goddamn toddler!" I scream as I shake my fist at her. "You want me to eviscerate you!?"

She doesn't even bother looking at me as we pass through the part of town that I destroyed, "No, I've just had a long week as it is and I don't need to hear you and Flash go at it like you do every day." She stops as she looks at the Sugarcube corner when we were passing it and sighs, "That and I'd rather get this done before most of the ponies in town are out and about, don't need any more complications…"

I stop with her to look at the shop and it looks just as fucked as it did earlier this week, albeit you could tell that there was at least some attempts to protect the inside from the elements as the windows were all boarded up with 2x4s and plywood thanks to yours truly. They made me do it the last two Monday's but I ain't doing another goddamn thing for that Pink menace so help me God. Another thing that was different was a sign sticking out of the ground that by the front of the stairs that looked like the universal symbol of 'for sale' even though I couldn't read it.

Huh, I guess Pinkie Pie wasn't lying about the Cakes putting the bakery up on the market…

"I can't believe they're going to sell the place…" Spike breathes out with outlying sadness as he looks at the sign. "Did you talk to Pinkie Pie about this, Twilight? Surely she's gonna talk some sense into them."

She shakes her head sadly, "No… I actually haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. I assume she's up in that hotel with Mr. and Mrs. Cake in Canterlot or back on her family's farm, but who knows with Pinkie…"

"Yeah… You're right about her not being around, it's been so quiet. Too quiet. "He points at the sign, "Oh well, at least the haven't sold it just yet so who knows."

"Man, I'm gonna miss they're cupcakes…" I say aloud catching both their attention and just shrug, "Oh well, that's why I got you now, right Spike?"

He looks at me and back at the bakery with some confliction, "Yeah… I guess you do."

"Oh, come on," I roll my eyes, "You're not that torn up over this shit are you? It's just a fuckin' bakery."

Before Spike could answer me, Twilight does instead, "It was a bakery, Charlie." She scolds as her lip twists, "a bakery that was owned by two very good friends of mine and an establishment I miss dearly."

I wave my hand at her as I kick a rock towards the steps, "Well, looks like we're going to be really good friends with the new bakery they put here instead. I need my cupcake fix and you said I've gotta eat some more so it's a win win."

"You're unbelievable, you know that?" Twilight snaps, "you've ruined an entire family's livelihood and you don't even look sorry about it!"

"'Cause I'm not, pussy lips. Why would I be?" I ask her as I put my hands on my hips, "I don't remember doing it so why feel guilt over it?"

"That's not the point, Charlie! You should know when you-"

"When I what, Twilight?! Feel sorry for a pair of shitheads I have no fuckin' connection to whatsoever because Nega-Charlie did an oopsy without me knowing?" She takes a breath to refute that, but I cut her off, "You want to know what I'm dying to find out? Why little ol' me would go so fuckin' far out of his way to destroy an entire town. I can fuckin' assure you I didn't do it to test my fuckin' batting swing, that's for fuckin' sure and what's worse is no one seems to fuckin' know why I inadvertently lost my shit for no reason! Unless you two fuckin' know this crucial fuckin' detail I'm missing?"

The pair look at each other and their heads drop a little before Twilight sighs, "…No… we don't know why you did it…"

"Alright then! Worlds great fuckin' mystery apparently." I mutter out as I stare back at the once lively busy bakery, now eerily abandoned. "You hear that, Cunt? I don't owe you a fuckin' thing!"

"Uh… Are you talking to the building?" Spike inquires like I'd gone crazy.

"Well, someone has to tell it." I say with my voice leaking sarcasm, "How else is it gonna know? I don't need it's shed cousins showing up to the library asking for my shins."

His head cocks, "How would sheds take you-"

"He's joking, Spike, like everything else he says," She looks at me downcasted at my attitude towards my apparent actions and walks by me without giving me another glance.

Spike looks up at me like he wants to tell me something, but his shoulders slump and instead quietly follows his boss making me grumble to myself as a cluster of thoughts hit me.

The fuck is their problem? Don't you look all fuckin' displeased with me over this, you pair of cunts. As I said, I didn't do anything wrong and I'm not gonna start kissing ass for something I feel like I'm completely innocent of. I mean, there's like 100 witnesses, the destroyed town itself, and that table I jaggedly carved my name into during my (supposed) rampage, but aside from that and a few confusing flashes of memory, they've got nothing on me.

I take one last look at the empty building and sigh as the taste of its sugary deserts worms its way into my head. I wasn't lying when I said I really liked their treats. Never in all the years I've walked my earth had I tasted something as divine as the Cake's pastries. It's a shame I won't be able to have them anymore…

Shaking my head out the thought, I spit a loogy towards the steps and walk away to join the other two as we walked further into town in relative silence. Almost relative…

The townsponie's who were walking around, wishing each other Merry Hearth's Warming's would stop to glare at us and split like the red sea as we walked down and it wasn't just me they were giving the 'there goes the neighborhood' looks either. To my surprise, they also were giving Twilight the cold shoulder as well. When she'd give them a greeting, they'd scoff at her and walk away or make a rude comment towards her.

At one point, a posse of adolescent ponies ambushed us like they knew we were coming and started pelting us with snowballs, some of which had gravel in them. If it wasn't for Twilight teleporting us a block away from the snow Vietcong, I was gonna lose my shit and destroy the town. AGAIN! My anger treated me to a zap from that little altercation, but overall, nothing as serious as the last few times. I think I'm getting used to it…

Anyways, we kept making our way through town as the town still hurled insults at us. I, of course, was eating this shit up like a kid in a candy store. Finally, the respect I deserve, better than when these shits would follow me everywhere asking me what I was or even having the audacity to ask me if I was having a good morning. The gall! This though? This is much better. Reminds me of home actually.

Though, my nostalgia for the city life of Boston could not be said the same for Twilight, however. She looked so dejected that her fellow neighbors were ignoring her even though she was so enthusiastic at greeting them. I don't get why… Is it because she's keeping me in the library? Well, they can't fuckin' blame her for it! That was Celestia's orders, even before I (Supposedly!) went bananas! If they want to blame anyone, blame their precious leader for that shit! Twilight didn't do a fuckin' thing and it's actually disgusting they're treating her like that even after everything she does for them!

Spike on the other hand would see a pony put their nose up at him and he'd look at the ground like he was deep in thought. He would look over his shoulder to look at me with this perplexed look and finally after like the third time of it happening his face shifted into a scowl full of determination and he walked with a little more pip in his step and he walked a little closer to me. I don't think it was directed at me, rather that he finally found the answer to whatever question he wasn't saying aloud, but whatever it is I just hope he keeps me out of it.

After the grueling wet socked walk, we finally arrived at this antique shop and honestly it didn't look out of place at all with its thatch roofed brothers. It was just an ordinary medieval looking village house with a sign out front that held the image of a gramophone and a lamp with some equestrian lettering that vaguely looked familiar. I think one of the symbols read 'Bobbles' but I could be wrong. For all I know this could be a Chinese tug parlor.

"Well, here it is…" Twilight grumbles out, "At least we got here in one piece."

I pick a small rock out of my mangy hair, "Yeah, I definitely feel fully assembled over here."

She turns to me while frowning, "It's not my fault you were the easiest target for those foals. You are over 6 hooves tall after all." She looks at my body and sighs, "Though, you're stick like nature surely must have made it harder to hit…"

"Will you just shut the fuck up and let me look however the fuck I want?" I toss the pebble at her side, "You're not my fuckin' mother and I sure as shit ain't taking you to prom so why do you care?"

"Because I'm your friend, Charlie." She angrily bubbles as she turns to me fully, "It's what we do for ponies we care about. I know that's a foreign concept to you, but surely even you can grasp that."

I blink at her as I start to realize what she said, "Hold up, wait a minute, something ain't right there, Grimace. I ain't you're fuckin' frien-"

"Ugh! There's Another one! They're everywhere!" Spike angrily exclaims out cutting me off from a very important conversation that had to be made. We both look over and the dragon shit gobbler is glaring at what looks like a poster of some kind with his hands on his hips disappointingly.

Twilight looks at whatever had the dragon in a tizzy and she lowers her head, "Just ignore them, Spike, there's nothing we can really do about them at least not right now."

"Ignore what? What the fuck could it be now?!" I adamantly ask as I push her and the drake out of my way to see what the fuss was about and my annoyed look swaps for surprise as I take it in.

The poster held the image of a poorly and demonic looking version of Twilight as she stands like a skyscraper over the town you can obviously tell is Ponyville with malicious intent. This twisted version of the mare right beside me has what looked like vampire teeth, long bat like ears, glowing green eyes, her dark main was in tatters and her vivid lavender colored coat was grayed and dulled but that's not all. A chain could be seen wrapped around her hoof and the links lead to a gorilla smashing a building with its grotesque looking arms.

Is that… Oh my god, that's fuckin' me! I can tell because it's wearing my infamous quilt! The fuck!?

I point at the poster, "What the fuck is this? World war two? Did I bomb fuckin' Pearl Harbor?!"

"There were two world wars? Like the entire world?"

"Fuckin' forget about it, Spike, that's not the point I'm making here!" I turn to the two, "What the fuck is this?!"

Twilight looks at the propaganda poster and sighs, "The mayor's new political campaign I assume…"

"Campaigning for what?!" I demand as I stare at her.

She doesn't turn to as she continues to stare at her twisted caricature of herself, "A campaign to remove us from town it seems judging by the wording they drew here."

What? Remove us… like, not just me?

I look at the poster once more and I see at the top some Equestrian scribbled on it that I can't read. Too complex for me at the moment so I look down at Spike who was still glaring at the image.

"Spike, tell me what it says now!" I command to the young buck.

He looks at me and then back at the poster before sighing, "It reads and I quote, 'She has released the beast upon us! Run them to the frozen north before it's too late…'" He turns to me, "They've been putting these all over town…" I turn to the poster and my eye twitches, "…They have all of us drawn like this with similar messages."

"Us? What do you mean us?" I ask him.

"You, Rarity, Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack all have posters just like this one and they're everywhere!"

As I stare at the poster, for some odd reason a kind of anger I can't really place fills me.

It isn't… my usual anger, not it felt like something… vengeful and it was strong. Strong enough for sparks to shoot out of my arm making me fall to my knees as I held my hand out as a red lightning bolt arced towards a lamp post nearby, shattering the glass of the light box into pieces making them rain down on us. The pain was something that was tolerable considering how bad it has gotten before but it feels different. I really don't know how to put it in words.

I'm left gasping on the icy floor when the attack subsides and I feel Spike's tiny mitt-ed hands grab a hold of my shoulder.

"What the hay was that about?" he asks and he turns to the poster, "You don't like how they drew you as a monkey?"

When my breathing stabilizes, I pull out of his grasp and clamber to my feet as I glare at the disgusting piece stapled to the wall. Without a word, I hobble over, tear it down with fervor, and rip it to pieces. The small little torn leaflets float around me like the fallen snow and it lands around us on the floor. When my deed is done I stand there as my shoulders rise and fall from my heavy breathing as I try to calm myself down.

"I guess he didn't like the monkey…" Spike whispers out but that's not it. I don't know why I'm mad, all I know is that poster made me furious.

"Charlie, are you-"

"Twilight, if you as me if I'm okay, I'll make sure my next zap will be when I'm holding your fuckin' horn." Her open mouth slams shut and I take one huge breath, count to five, and release it, "Let's go get this fuckin' oven and go home."

Finally, I walk over to the door and open it so the two dingleberries could go in first. Spike happily skips inside without a word as he feels the warmth, but Twilight stops to look at me. She doesn't say anything however I can tell she's doing the Celestia special, which is staring at my very soul and then keeping it to herself. It wasn't until I kicked her with my boot before she ultimately enters the fuckin' building with me right behind her.

When I'm done latching the door shut, I spin around and almost gasp at what I see. Rows upon rows of shelves filled to the brim with what looked like all sorts of doodads and little knickknacks. The shelf closest to me held some kind of jewelry box, a ball in a cup, a small tea kettle, some textbooks, hats of varying sizes and shapes, horseshoes of varying sizes and style, cutlery and-

You get the fuckin' point, there's shit everywhere and none of it looks very organized either. There wasn't sections of items and it looked like someone put a vacuum on blow and just blew junk at every crack and crevice.

Aside from the shelves, across the room was a counter that was U shaped against the correlating wall it was up against with a big register with even more junk behind it. Looked like there were bicycles and guitars, and more valuable items behind it. Fuck man, is this a fuckin' pawn shop? Christ, if I and known that I would have brought some of Twilights things to sell to make some bits of my own…

Anyways, there was a doorway that was in the center of this U with drapes or curtains on either side and just as I gazed at the opening, somebody in the shape of a skinny earth pony walks through. It was an older stallion wearing some old timey spectacles with wavy pearly white mane along with a coat that looked reminded me of the shade of a NYC taxi. He smiles with his eyes closed like he was about to introduce himself.

"Yes, hello! Welcome to Clutter's bits and bobbles! I hope that you-" He finally opens his eyes to see us three and a deep scowl form, "oh, it's you. What do you three want?"

Twilight coughs in her hoof and quickly trots over to the counter, "Yes, hello, Clutter, I'm sorry to drop in unannounced and on the holiday's no less, but I'm in need of-"

"We're closed," This Clutter spits out like we were minorities in a white suburbia.

"C-closed?" She whispers out and she looks at the door, "But the sign says you're open…"

He shrugs, "Seems I forgot to swing it around. Oh well, it is the holidays after all." He scowls at her, "And even if we were open, which we aren't, I don't think that your patronage of my establishment would be very…" He pauses as if he was thinking of the right word, "agreeable… with our clientele. Especially with him here."

I nudge the dragon and whisper, "I think he's talking about you."

"Really?" Spike asks innocently. "I wonder why?"

Twilight ignores my comment and tries to reason with the stallion, "Clutter, please I know you're open and we'll be in and out no problems." The stallion opens his mouth and Twilight continues, "I come in here all the time to give books that are falling apart that no pony wants anymore and I always set some aside for you because I know how much you like them. I just need an oven and Charlie and I will be out of your mane."

The stallion eyes her and his look softens a little and he looks at me and Spike, "Then why did you bring him here?"

"He's just here to help move the oven nothing more," She starts stuttering again, "T-that is if you have one to sell hehe."

He shakes his head, "I don't know if-"

"It's Hearth's Warming, Clutter…" She pleads with him as she activates her Oliver Twist begging eyes.

I can see him cracking under the gaze, "I…" he sighs as he looks at me one more time, "Okay, I have one in stock that Bon Bon sold to me a few weeks ago. It's old, but it's all I have. It's by the cauldrons and-" he looks behind him to see if anyone else was here, "Just hurry up and get it out of here so you can leave."

"Thank you, Clutter, you're a lifesaver. I'll be sure to put aside some Daring Doo's for you for sure!"

The stallion crosses his hooves, "Don't thank me yet, Mrs. Sparkle, we still have to discuss payment."

She nods her head, "Yes, of course!" She fishes through her bit pouch, "How much for the oven?"

He smirks, "950 bits."

Twilight's eyes snap open with the accompanying sound of glass shattering, "Uh… P-pardon?"

The shit crosses his hooves, "You heard me, 950 bits for the oven."

"B-but it's used! And old! And oh, so full of mold!" She shouts out at the incredibly inflated price.

The smirk doesn't leave him, "Holiday tax, Twilight, as you said, it is Hearth's Warming after all."

"I… I did say that…" She looks at the shopkeeper, "what's this tax you're talking about? I've never heard of any new tax?"

The smug aurora of this pony grows and mocks me, "I'm actually surprised you haven't heard about it yet, the mayor thought it would be a good idea for shops that stayed open during the celebration."

"No… this is the first I'm hearing about it." She looks at her pouch and sighs, "I guess I'm going to have to go home and pull some bits from our savings… There goes our vacation to Los Pegasus this year." She turns to us, "Spike, can you bring Charlie to the spot he's talking about while I run home? I didn't bring enough bits. Also, is there any chance you can give me some of your winnings from Flash so we're not completely broke?"

The dragons mouth hangs open and he glares at her, "WHAT!? No way! I won that money fair and square! Go make your own bets with that clown!"

"I only need like a hundred bits which I know you have and the rest I'll take from our savings." She asks and the dragon crosses his arms. "We won't be able to buy food for the big dinner tomorrow if I take it all from my savings."

Spike starts to sweat as I see him break and finally, he slumps down and groans, "Fine…" He looks up at her, "My stash is by the-" Spike looks at me and then runs over to the mare to whisper this secret location of his piggy bank.

Twilight quirks an eyebrow in the middle of the drakes whispering and she looks down at him, "Of all the places why did you put it in-"

Spike quickly clamps her mouth shut, "Be quiet! Somepony could hear you!" He eyes me and the shopkeeper like we're out to get his lucky charms.

Twilight rolls her eyes and starts to make her way towards the door before stopping to turn to us, "Just bring the oven to the door and I should hopefully be back by the time you get it here. If not, then just wait for me." She opens the door and stops once more to look at me, "And Charlie?"

"What?" I snap.

"Behave yourself, I'll be like 20 minutes tops." she warns as she gives me a knowing look.

"Oh, shut the fuck up! What can I possibly do in 20 minutes?" I declare as I wave my hands above me.

She grows a deadpanned expression, "the mind simply boggles…"

And with that she leaves the shop and the door latches shut leaving Spike and I alone with this total ass hat who was glaring at me. When I returned it with gusto, he kinda looked a little afraid and quickly ran into the back where I could hear items clack and clatter.

"I think you scared him." Spike states the obvious.

"No, he was so overjoyed with my presence he couldn't contain himself," I sneer as I look around at the shelves, "God, this place is a fuckin' pig sty."

"You're one to talk, you know your room looks like a dump, right?" He murmurs when I pick up an old music box to investigate it.

"No, it's organized." I assure him as I open the thing and a small pony on her tippy hooves could be seen inside like it was dancing.

"How can piles of bowls, cups, dirty rags, and whatever else that's in there could be organized?"

"It's organized in a way that I know where everything is at all times. You move shit and then I don't where it is." I say as I wind up the crank and little notes start playing as I watch a small ballerina pony spin.

"And you think Clutter doesn't know where everything is?" he asks dubiously as I poke at the spinning equine.

"I don't-"

"If you break it, you buy it, Ape! That music box is 22.43" I swing over to see the head of Clutter sticking out of the doorway scowling at me, "As I said the oven is by the cauldrons and I suggest you go fetch it now."

I turn fully towards him with a nasty glare, and he retreats to his den with a yelp making me sigh as I look around the cluttered (go fuckin' figure) shop.

"Where's that fuckin' oven…" I mumble as I don't see no fuckin' cauldrons anywhere that dipshit told us it was by.

"They're in the back, that way." He points down one of the aisles and looks at me, "You sure you're strong enough to move it? You look a little…" He pauses to think of a word as he pokes my leg, "Withered…"

"Withered!?" I repeat angrily not liking that my own strength is being questioned. It's the only thing I have going for me. "I'll show you withered when I stuff your carcass into a coffee container and leave you outside to rot!"

"I'm just saying it how I see it, Charlie…" He rolls his eyes, and he taps my knee, "See? I'm surprised that didn't break your leg. Now, come on, it's this way. Might be some porridge over here too if you don't collapse that is."

"You're fuckin' hilarious…" is all I respond with as I watch him walk away down one of the aisles and I follow him down as I gaze at the shelves upon shelves of absolute garbage.

Let me tell you I've never seen so much shit crammed into one place my entire life, honest to God. Now I know all pawn shops carry nothing but junk however not actual trash like this fuckin' freak does. Fuckin' Christ, I see action figures with missing appendages, clocks that don't tick, binoculars missing lenses, broken jewelry… What I don't understand is why the fuck is this freak putting them on shelves like someone's going to buy this shit? Like c'mon! Who the fuck is going to buy a bike with no wheels?! Fuckin' Oscar the Grouch!?

After about a minute of traversing the store, we come across a small opening away from the cramped aisles and we see some larger items like washing machines, those cauldrons that Clutter mentioned before, and surprisingly an arcade machine ripped right from the eighties. Don' know what game it was or if it even worked before Spike nudges my leg again.

"There it is," His face twists into a frown, "That sure doesn't look like 950 bits worth of oven…"

I follow his gaze to see this 'oven' tucked a little behind one of the larger washing machines and let me tell you, Spike was not exaggerating about the quality. The door was dinged to hell and back and two of the four burners were missing. Again, just junk but it's not money so who gives a shit. Without a word, I walk over and start to shimmy the washing machine out of the way which took a lot more effort than I'd like to admit. What? I just haven't been able to hit the gym lately… Or hit Jim…

Anyways, I put my hands on my hips and stare at it like the engine bay of a car that just pooped out on the highway.

"Yep, that's an oven alright." I say aloud as I really don't know what to do next. "Now what?"

"Uh, you carry it to the lobby?" Spike says as he kicks the solid hunk of steel.

"As I said before, you're fuckin' hilarious," I look down at him as he walks over to that arcade machine, "I'll just juggle it along with some anvils while I'm at it!" He peers around the corner of the box and his face lifts up as he spots something and he turns it completely. "Hey! What the fuck are you doing!"

I then see the shit turn the corner pushing a beat up old two wheeled hand truck and he walks towards me with a big goober smile on his face, "You can juggle it if you want or you could just use this instead. Though, I could easily find some anvils for you too."

"You're like the living breathing personified version of genital warts, you know that?" I sneer at him as I swipe the fuckin' hand truck and walk over to this stupid oven.

He hops up onto the stool of the arcade machine and starts pressing buttons, "Well, I don't know what genital warts are, so I guess not," He after one of the buttons presses the game lights up and the dragon smiles as he grabs onto the joystick, "Oooh! I can't believe this thing still works! I haven't played Cookie Cutter in ages!"

I see flashes of light hit his face from the game as he mashes buttons as annoying sounds emit from it making me shake my head, "You fucks don't know what a computer is, but you can play pong and Asteroid!? How the fuck does that-" I calm myself down as my hand starts vibrating and I just grumble instead. "You know what? I don't even want to know."

The drake loses himself in the game as I wedge the fuckin' lip underneath the fuckin' thing but when I try to tilt the oven back it's too top heavy and it just falls forwards getting me nowhere. Looking around, I notice a gigantic ball of red yarn peeping at me by the aisle we came from so, quickly, I grab it and take the infuriating task of walking around the entire contraption so it could unwind, keeping them sown together. I don't know if the yarn will hold but I don't have any other ideas. As I'm tying a big bow over the top of it, I hear Spike making grunts and the sounds of the game getting louder.

"C'mon! C'mon! Just one little-" The box chirps a stereotypical death tune and the drake slumps down, "Darn it!"

"Cool it with the language, Spike, there might be foals around!" I say in mock horror as I slowly tilt the oven back and struggle to drag it towards him.

"Okay, Twilight, I'll be sure to remember that…" He says and looks back at the screen and hits some buttons, "Okay, and let's see how I did." Another chirp could be heard and his head cocks, "Huh, second place… Who's Pee Pee? Whoever she or he is, they're continents over my score… Like how is that even possible! Especially at the Bakery battle when the flying cupcake bombs are everywhere! They must be amazing!"

"It could… just be…. that you… just suck!" I gasp out as I pull as hard as I could on the oven before I topple backwards onto the ground. I just laid there defeated as I stared up at the ceiling. "I hate this place."

Soon enough Spike fills my view as he looks down at me with a somber expression, "Still not feeling good?"

"Oh! Well, I'm fuckin' swell, Spike! Nothing but sunshine and rainbows down here! Want to come join me!" The sarcasm almost dribbles onto my shirt like I was drooling it out. "This is a lot heavier than Twilight thought it was going to be."

Spike looks over at the hand truck for a moment but then I see a smirk form and he looks back down, "Or it could be the fact you just didn't release the breaks."

"I didn't release the huh!" I pick my head off the floor and look over to see, what do you know, two little metallic tabs pinning the wheels to their place and I just dragged it with all the friction in the world. My head slams back on the wooden floor when I hear Spike snickering, "Fuck my life…"

"You kind of deserve that one…" A few more chuckles escape him as I sit up, "but seriously, are you doing alright in the fever department? Because I don't want to chase you around while you're butt naked again."

"I didn't really do that did I?" He quirks an eyebrow which answers my question, "I can't believe this… well, that's a lie. I usually only when I'm piss drunk…"

"So… what's being this… drunk like?" He says the word like it's foreign to his tongue. "You mention it from time to time."

"It's…" I pause as I don't know how to exactly word the feeling of drinking, "When I drink liquor, I feel this… warmness in my gut and things just get quiet when I'm drunk…"

"Quiet?" he blinks at me, "What do you mean? Like you do it alone?"

"No, not really. Most of the time I drink with company ironically, but that's just how I like it. My mind goes a mile a minute all the fuckin' time over every little thing. Every fucked situation I've ever found myself in just screams at me all the fuckin' time and drinking whiskey stops that…" I heave a tired sigh as my throat starts to feel quite dry, "Though the peace I get from it might be from the fact I black out every time I do it. Most of the time I don't fuckin' remember what I did the night before and it was great."

His little ear fin twitches, "I don't think it's as great as you think it is, especially if you acted as silly as you were yesterday."

I eye him, "Silly in what way?" I ask as I really don't remember what I did exactly.

He taps his chin, "Well, you seemed more… loose?"

"Loose…" I repeat back as I blink, "Like a fuckin' college girl in frat house kind of loose? What the fuck are we talking about?"

He scratches the back of his head as he tries to come up with something, "Uh, well, you just talked a lot more I guess is what I'm trying to say…"

Uh oh, that's not good, "And what, pray tell, did I fuckin' talk about?"

He looked down the hall and he turned back to me, "You promise not to get mad? I don't want you to get all hurt again over this. You always get mad when I bring stuff like this up."

"That's a very tall order, shit stack," He just looks at me like he was waiting for the right response which makes me sigh, "Alright… fine! I won't get mad, okay?"

He still seemed unsure but nods a little, "Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you if you decide to play with voltage," He coughs in his hand and he looks at me, "You… you kept talking about a place called Wellington's…"

I feel my heart sink into my ass cheeks.

"You talked about it a lot…" He cocks his head at me as I processed the information, "What uh… What's Wellington's anyways? It sounded like a hospital. You kept telling us no needles over and over again when we were trying to bring your fever down and you kept calling Twilight a Mrs. Eckard. Was she a doctor?"

"No… She was a nurse." I say glumly as the image of her repugnant face enters my mind.

"So, it was a hospital?" He says aloud like he figured it out, but he wasn't even close.

Goddamn it…

A nasty glare forms as I look at the ceiling, "No, it wasn't a fuckin' hospital, you dolt… Wellington's was a school if you could even call it that. Key fuckin' word: was."

"A school? I know you hate class with Twilight, but it really must have been that bad for you to act like that over it." He looked at me, "what did they teach there? How to be a jerk 101?"

"No-well, yes but that wasn't the point of their lessons. It wasn't a… normal school." I whisper as I sit up and look down in my lap, "It was for… troubled kids…"

"How could goats be so troubling?" I melt a hole in his head with my look and he chuckles as he raises his hands up, "Easy there, I'm just joking." He clicks his tongue when I calmed down a little, "So, what kind of trouble are we talking about?"

"The kind of trouble that's none of your fuckin' business!" I snap making him flinch, "What's it to ya anyways?! Why the fuck do you want to know all this shit anyways!"

"Well, we've been living together for months, and I don't know anything about you aside from the cryptic hints you scream out in your sleep." He puts his hands on his hips as his tail sways, "You're really making me grovel for it, ain't ya?"

"My sleep? I don't know what you're talking about." I say in a tone that let him know he was treading on thin ice.

He didn't seem to notice as he continued, "Charlie, some nights I can't sleep from all the hollering." his look falters some as he gets a little closer, "and this is leading to the part where I didn't want you to get mad about."

"Oh? We didn't get to that part already? Terrific…" I glance at him, "so, what the fuck is it?"

"What… uh…" He looks behind him like he was debating on telling me as he runs a hand through his finned mohawk, "About what you did before back at your home. Construction I think is what you said…"

I really don't like where this is going.

"Yeah! And? What about it?" I demand as my focus is on him 100%.

"Well, it's just you were talking about what seemed like work but it didn't sound like any construction lingo I've ever heard." He frowns at me as I feel the color in my face disappear, "You kept talking about interest and 'loansharking' whatever that is and I'm just…" He looks up at me with soft eyes, "Well, I'm curious. What exactly did you do for this company you worked for?"

My mouth parts open as I felt my brain put itself back together, but before I could even begin to come up with a response someone barges in unannounced.

"What on Celestia's sun are you two doing back here!" A new voice cries out and we swing over to see Clutter standing by the aisle we walked down earlier, "I allowed you two to get the oven! Not gallivant with my treasures!" He looks over at the arcade game and gasps, "And you touched Cookie Cutter! It's an antique and it's 99.99!" He whimpers out as he trots over to turn it off.

"Treasures? Pal, this entire fuckin' building is a fuckin' landfill! What do you mean treasures!" I yell as I slowly clamber to my feet knocking Spike out of my way and happy that I escaped yet another unwelcomed conversation today.

He stares at the oven and he glares, "I don't remember saying you could use a hand truck and my yarn either! Both are 35.67 bits together! This isn't a charity, you know!"

"Well, you can fuckin' bill me for it then, cause I ain't carrying it on my back like Sisyphus!" I angrily shout and Spike walks in front of me to pathetically hold me back.

The drake turns to him, "Clutter, we'll pay for it like we always do when we visit. We can't get it home without it, not with all that snow on the ground."

"As long you pay for it…" he seethes out like the little mole he is. "Because if you don't, I'll call the guard and have you both arrested!"

Spike rolls his eyes as he tosses the bag of buts he got from Flash at him, "There! That's for the damn hand truck. Happy now!?" He snaps at Clutter in a way like yours truly that made me nod my head at him.

The shopkeeper stutters to himself as he looks at the bag like he was still debating to just call the guard anyways before he finally sighs and looks at us, "This is satisfactory, thank you for buying from Clutter's bits and bobbles, your establishment for whatever your mind can imagine." He mouths off like he's said it a thousand times over already and he glares as he pushes his glasses in, "Now hurry up and get that thing to the register so I can keep an eye on you."

Spike looks at me with a smile, "You heard the pony…"

"Yeah yeah, fart sniffer, I have fuckin' ears…" I mumble as I walk over to the oven.

I unlock the wheels and tilt it back towards me and take a few test steps. With the wheels not dragging on the ground like sandpaper, the weight is actually manageable, so I continue further following the two back towards the counter. The hardest part of this entire job was making sure I didn't brush up against the sides of the shelves to knock something off and have to pay even fuckin' more to this clown.

Honestly, I wish I destroyed this cunts business instead of the Cake's… At least the Cake's actually gave me something I wanted…

Once more, we're in the main lobby of the antique shop and I set the oven down by the door as I sit on top of it to take a breather. Clutter stares at me with malice before he saunters over to his precious counter and lifted a small section that had a hinge so he could enter and he shut it again while nodding at it like it did a good job.

What a fuckin' fortress this guy built for himself…

"Are you sure you're going to be able to bring that back to the library?" Spike asks as he looks at me wipe the sweaty bangs out of my eyes. "You're already out of breath and you only walked like at most 30 steps.

"Oh fuckin' quit it with the babying already, I'll be fuckin' fine." He didn't look convinced, and I huff, "What do I have to do to fuckin' get you all to believe that I'm fuckin' alright?"

"Gain some weight, sleep properly, get a haircut, stop being a jerk…" He lists off with a correlating finger to each one and snickers, "Honestly, just an entire remodel of Charlie, really."

"I can't wait to dunk you into our toilet we get home…" I mutter as I know he's somewhat right.

He looks at the oven, "And I can't wait to start cooking again!" He starts drooling, "All the possibilities… All the flavor…"

I nudge him with my boot gaining his attention, "Was it worth a month's wages there, snakeskin?"

"Hehe! You kidding?! Of course!" He hugs the oven like it was a relative he hasn't seen in a while. "It was worth all the bits in the world! I don't care about the Holiday tax at all, it's worth it, isn't it you little gas-powered thing."

"Don't make me tell Rarity about you're new fling, Spike, I hear she's the jealous type," I say to him, and his cheeks grow red hot as he lets go of it with haste, "And the tax is beyond retarded. Actually, any tax is retarded but this just takes the cake. Fuckin' Holiday tax? What has the world come to… next they're going to take away my right to carry swords and crossbows…"

"I don't think you're allowed to have either of those things, Charlie." Spike says as he scratches his ear thingy.

"My point exactly, couscous." I cross my arms underneath the quilt, "First they came for my spear, and I said nothing…"

Spike cocks his head at me like he didn't understand what I was saying and shakes his head, "Anyways… You heard Clutter, mayor's orders. There's not much we can do about it except just pay it, though I will say it's a little odd even for her. Taxing the entire town for the holiday's doesn't exactly sound like her at all."

I hear a resounding laugh coming from the counter and we both stop to look at Clutter losing his shit as he holds onto his register to keep balance.

"Uh, did we miss the circus?" Spike asks as he looks at me.

"You are the circus, idiot! Sorry, sorry it was hard to keep all of that in for so long…" he gives one last whoop and our confusion only gets worse, "Don't you get it? There's no such thing as a holiday tax!"

Spike blinks at him, "What? Then why are you selling it to us over 4 times the normal price? It doesn't make any sense."

"It makes perfect sense!" He puts his lanky hooves onto the counter as he smirks at us, "It's not a holiday tax, it's a monkey tax!"

We blink and look at each other, "Uh… Come again?"

He fixes his glasses as he smirks as he pulls a note out of a drawer and coughs as he prepares to read it aloud for us, "Effective immediately, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack will all be inherently sanctioned a serious fee for any member of the market committee and anypony who denies this order will be added to the list."

Spike stutters as I try to comprehend what's happening here, "You-you're-"

"Exactly!" Clutter laughs as horror fills Spike's face.

"Exactly what?" I look down at Spike still confused, "What the fuck is he talking about?"

Before Spike could answer me, the cunt of the castle does so for him and he points at me, "If we can't get rid of you through normal means then we'll get rid of the ones who are keeping you in town! The Elements of Harmony!" He starts giggling like Bubble Bass and he keels over the counter, "It's perfect! They have no choice but to leave town and they bring you with them!"

My blood starts to run cold as I now finally know what he's talking about. They're not just targeting me anymore. They're targeting the others too… Just like that fuckin' poster I saw outside. That's why I got so fuckin' angry, it wasn't directed at me! It was for Twilight…

"You can't do that!" Spike screams out as he balls his little fists in anger, "The Princess will-"

"The Princess isn't in the country at the moment as you may remember," He yells back as he points to a stack of newspapers showing a picture of Celestia standing next to this gigantic bird thing, "She's across the sea with the Griffons to worry about little Ponyville! Hahahahaha!"

Spike stutters as he looks completely lost at what to do and he looks up at me like I have an answer, but I don't not really. I mean, what can I do? I have no sway with the mayor like she'd even take a moment of her day to take a piss on me. But I can't just stand here and do nothing!

What's the only thing you've ever been good at, Charlie?

I look down at my cracked and beaten hands as the thought passes by and I sigh as I look at the aged digits that the years have not been kind to. If I do this, Spike will know.

He already suspects it… And besides, what difference does it make in the end?

The hands slowly squeeze into tight fists and the obnoxious shopkeeper comes into focus as his shit eating grin fills my vision. Looking to my left a bin full of old used umbrellas called my name for me to grab and I squeeze my eyes shut.

I know what I have to do…

I look down at Spike with a blank look, "You want to know what I used to do, Spike?"

His head cocks at me and looks back at Clutter with confusion, "Uhh… I mean, yeah but I don't think now is the best time for-"

"Go lock the door." I order with an eerily calm voice as I take off my quilt.

He blinks at me, "W-what?"

"I said, go lock the door and swing the open sign around to closed." I say again as the blanket falls to the ground with a small thud and I turn to this Clutter with malice. "I'm going to fix this."

He still looks unsure but then silently nods as he walks out of my view as the shopkeep looks at me with some fear.

"What are you doing? You can't lock that! I'm still open!" He shouts as I walk towards the bin, completely ignoring him.

Of all the umbrellas I'm looking at here, the largest one there speaks to me the most and it's as umbrella like as you can imagine. You know, the one with a little half hoop on the end? Yeah, one of those ones. Anyways, I grab it and hold it like a baseball bat and give a few soft test swings to feel if it would work for what I had planned. I hear the door open and close making me look over to see Spike reaching up on his tippy toes to slide the deadbolt over and he spins around a little intrigued as to what I'm going to do next.

I turn and point the umbrella at Clutter, "So you enforce taxes huh?"

He trembles a little "I-I-yes, but-"

"Cause I've got a tax of my own, you know that?" He shakes his head as I walk towards a shelf with some of his junk on it and I stop by a collection of porcelain pony figures, "It's called 'I'm a big dumb retard and I love dick in my mouth' tax and I'm afraid its past due for you, amigo!"

"What are you-" He's abruptly cut off as I take the umbrella and smash it down on his little prized figures as pieces fly everywhere. He looks appalled and shouts, "What are you doing! That was 14.99 a piece! They were collectibles!"

I raise the umbrella onto my shoulder and click my tongue, "14.99? That's it? Looks like we're not even close to paying that bill now, are we?" I give a small chuckle as I make my way down the shelf towards the counter as I look at him while I tap on a blender, "Think this might level the playing field?"

"W-wait a minute! T-that's 42.24! it's not exactly chea-" He's cut off yet again by the blender falling to the floor and it breaks into 3 different pieces.

I look at the broken thing and put my hand on my mouth, "Oops, my hand slipped." I say as a small lantern laying by a barrel of brooms gets my attention. I kick the fuckin' thing towards the counter and he looks in horror as it slams onto the wood surface. "My foot slipped too. I'm losing track here, Clutter, how much was that one?"

He doesn't look away from the lantern and it looks like he's going to pass out, "32.99…"

He looks up as I get closer to the counter and as he tries to run, I catch him with the hoof of the umbrella and all he does is run in place as I look at him bored like. When this no longer amuses me, I tug the thing as hard as I can and he slams into the back of the counter, which made it easier for me to get better leverage as I keep him pinned. He squirms around as panic takes him, but it wasn't until I grabbed one of his ears quite roughly did he stop.

"P-please don't h-hurt me!" He whines out as he side eyes me.

"I don't want to do anything, Clutter. But I am a tax collector after all," I give him a mock pouty face and I start talking like a toddler, "and we don't want to make the tax collector angry…" I pull on the umbrella a little tighter making him choke some, "Do we!"

"N-no!" he squeaks out.

"Good! Because this is what's going to happen now. My fuckin' colleague is going to walk through that door any fuckin' minute now with all that money that you're extorting out her because your mayor likes to suck on eggplants and eat fish tank gravel, she's going to try to hand you the entire 950 bits for payment, but you're going to tell her that you've made a mistake. That the original price is what she has to pay for." I pause as I think for a second and then call out behind me, "Hey, Spike? What's the price tag on that oven?"

I turn to Spike who's looking at me in that 'I need an adult' stance and he glances at the piece of hardware and looks back, "156 bits?"

"A hundred and fifty-six bits! That's what she's going to fuckin' pay for it! You hear me!" I tug on his ear and he cries out in pain, "Because if she pays one, small, insignificant fuckin' bit over, that could make me very fuckin' angry, Clutter! Do you want to see me angry?! Because I'm pretty fuckin' close to being angry!"

He shakes his head vehemently as he winces from the pain when my grip gets stronger.

I lean down and glare at him, "If I find out that you made one of the others pay overprice too, I'll come back here and a for sale sign outside of your shop will be the least of your fuckin' worries! I don't care what the fuckin' mayor says. She ain't the big kahuna she thinks she is around here, shit stick! Oh, and by the way, don't fuckin' say a word about this to anyone! If you even think about telling the mayor or Twilight what I just told you? I'll fuckin' make haggis out of stomach! Capiche!"

He blinks with those terrified eyes that I've seen so many times that clued me in that this fuckin' scumbag knows I meant what I said.

"Then I'm very glad we came to an agreement like civilized folk in this matter, my friend!"

I let go of the umbrella and he falls forward and coughs as he tumbles to the floor, and I watch him try to pull himself together with a neutral feeling. The piece of paper that he rattled off earlier stared at me with its alien texts I cannot read myself, but I know the gist of what's in it. I take the notice and walk back over to Spike who was looking at me with dinner plates for eyes. Stopping by the oven, I look down at him with that same blank face and fold the paper and clear my throat.

"Still glad you asked?" I murmur at him and he simply looks back and forth between me and the stallion who's still laying on the floor silently without giving me an answer.

After grabbing my quilt, I sit onto the oven to wait for Twilight to get here so we can fuckin' leave. I rarely stay long when I do something like this, but it felt better to see if I got through to Clutter or not. If not, then we're going to have a huge problem on our hands. Or his hooves rather.

I fiddled with the folded piece of paper underneath my quilt as we sat in silence after my little stunt. Spike looked like he was constipated from thinking as he studied me like I was the Mona Lisa. I don't know what his problem is or if he'll even keep what he just saw quiet, but he better think fuckin' twice about asking me about it again because I'll give him an up close and personal answer. Just like I did with Clutter.

Speaking of the stallion, it took him like 5 minutes or so to get back on his feet and I definitely put the fear of God into him that much I do know. He started cleaning up my mess but not without looking over his shoulder like I was going to be standing over him every couple of minutes and he'd quickly hurry up to make more distance between us. That's what the shit gets for enforcing this stupid fuckin' order from the mayor. I flip my quilt up to look at the letter one more time and a big frown form as I know what this means.

A sudden knock on the door makes me jump as I stare at it and I could hear someone on the other side, "Hello? Anypony there? Spike?" Twilight calls out, muffled on the other side.

Spike looks at me and I motion for him to open it which he does and soon enough a snow-covered Twilight wearing some saddle bags and an equally annoying Flash walks into the antique store. I notice before the door shuts that snow started falling, though it didn't look like it was too heavy.

"About time you two fuckin' showed up!" I look at my broken watch like it'd give me the time, "It's been like a half an hour!"

She glares at Spike, "Yeah, well it took a little longer to find the money than I thought." Twilight looks at the door and back to me, "Why was the door locked and the sign flipped around? I thought for sure Clutter had kicked you out."

Spike looked like he was about to shit himself when she asked but I played it as cool as a cucumber.

"I didn't want anyone else to fuckin' come in here and annoy the shit out of me," I glance at Flash who was shaking snow off of him and I point at the pegasus, "Like him for instance! Couldn't you have just gotten lost today or something?"

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" He gives a hearty chuckle, "Sorry to disappoint you, but both my grandparents lived well into their ninety's so I'm going to be around for a while."

"Not if you continue to piss me off all the fuckin' time, you aren't…" I grumble as he chuckles.

"Well, at the very least did you behave all by yourself?" He gives me baby talk towards the end of his sentence paired with a pouty face which makes me roll my eyes.

"I was the Webster definition of well behaved, dingle berry," I look down at Spike, "Right, Scallop? We were angels, right?"

He looks at me and one more thought of whatever was going on inside of his head happened before he smiled with a scowl, "Yeah… What he said!"

I raise my hands, "See? Told ya!"

Flash hums like he didn't believe a word of it as he looked at me, "If watching you the last month or so has taught me, it's that you're anything but an angel…"

"That's blasphemy and I won't stand for it." I say curtly as I cross my arms. "Almost as blasphemous as what you do with your Beeeehhhhtsy. How is she by the way? Still tight?"

Just as Flash was about to come up with a response Twilight puts her hoof over his mouth with a tired expression, "Can you not feed into him today? We've got things to do. Like this oven for instanc-" her eyes bulge out of her head as she looks at the kitchen appliance, "That's the oven!? It doesn't even look like it works, and he wants 950 for it!"

"Uh… a-actually…" Clutter says as he hurriedly walks upon us, "U-upon further consideration it's n-not going to be taxed, Twilight."

Her eyebrow quirks up, "Oh… Well, what about the holiday tax?"

"N-no tax! Not today! Uh…" He looks around like he was coming up with an excuse, "I read the notice wrong! It was a reciept from the hay cafe! Yeah… that's it! I bought a hay sandwich!"

"So, let me get this straight, you read a receipt from a sandwich wrong that you thought was from the mayor?" She asked incredulously.

He looks at me who was standing behind everyone who couldn't see me, and I punch my open hand as a threat.

He panics a little, "Uh…" He looks at his glasses like he found the holy grail and dangles them in front of them, "Oh! Yes, I've been needing new prescriptions for some time now. Everything's been really blurry lately and well you know how it goes."

"I… Hmm" She looks at him and then sighs as she looks through a bag of bits, "Okay… then how much for it?"

He looks at me one more time and I could see the sweat falling down his forehead, "Uh…" He turns to a clock and his eyebrows raise, "Would you look at the time! It's exactly noon! Huh! You know what that means?"

The unicorn shakes her head slowly like she was scared to hear the answer.

"That means it's our special, uh… lunch special!" He strains out a forced smile.

"Special lunch special?"

"Yep! I do it every day hahahaha that means that since you're here exactly at noon the entire purchase is hereby free of charge! Yes, it's f-free…" He goes cross-eyed saying that last free like it hurt him physically to say.

"Free…" She says while looking perturbed by his behavior, "Are you okay? You're not really acting yourself right now, Clutter."

"Me? Naw I'm feeling fantastic!" He says as he backs away from us slowly, "I'm feeling so great that I'm going to go… for a jog! Yeah, a jog!"

"It's snowing outside…"

"What better to time to go for a jog! Anyways… just uh…" He trots behind the counter and looks at us one last time, "T-thank you for buying from C-Clutter's bits and b-bobbles, your establishment f-for whatever your mind c-can imagine! BYE!"

He quickly sprints into the back and the door slams with some locking sounds soon following leaving some of us confused by his behavior, mostly Twilight.

"That was… something…" Flash states as he looks at where the earth pony disappeared to.

"Yeah…" She looks at me with a look, "Did he say anything to you?"

I shrug as I grab onto the hand truck, "Nnnnnnnope!"

"Huh…" She looks back at the counter, "I wonder what that was all about then."

Spike leaned in and whispered, "I heard him talking about an aching stomach earlier… so he could be the… you know." He looks at me, "Right, Charlie?"

"You know what? Yeah, I do recall that actually that actually. It was when he was complaining about me bumping into one of the shelves…" He winks at me without the other two noticing, and I'm left with a kind of pride that I usually never feel for anyone, not even myself.

"Oh… yeah that makes sense," She leans towards us and whispers, "He's lactose intolerant…"

"Well, if that's the case then we should probably head on out of here then. I'd rather not stick around for the smell." I say as I tilt the oven back, "Care to open the door?"

"Sure thing, Charlie!" Spike yells out as he opens the door and looks at Twilight, "After you."

She looked pleasantly surprised by the gesture and smiled, "Thank you, Spike… That's very kind of you." and with that she exits the shop with Flash in tow leaving only the drake and I left in the building.

He looks at me with this big goofy smile, "Mares first…"

I sigh as I fix my grip on the handles, "Everbody's a comedian…"

And with that I leave the shop with a pretty giddy Spike on my heels as we head back towards the library, our goal accomplished and a turd smushed. Though one thing keeps nagging at me and it's this little embargo that the town has on us which isn't good. Not fuckin' good at all.

When get this thing back to the house, I think it's high time I payed the towns leader a little visit.

If the mayor wants a war, she'll fuckin' get a war…