Chapter 18- Quiet When I'm Coming Home
The morning arrived, much too soon for Jay's liking, much to the shock and awe of Will and Hailey, and much to the dread that was in Bradford. It was a very interesting awakening to that day, so many intersections and emotions running through everyone. It was fascinating to know all the different angles and thoughts pertaining to that moment and how really none of them matched. Jay just wanted to leave, Will and Hailey could not believe they were leaving, and Bradford was the guy that seemed to most disappointed, quiet, off of the day. Perhaps it was his bubble bursting moment, how for the last few weeks and months Jay had been a terrifying and great distraction and now, all of that was about to change. Reality was hitting all of them hard today and for one, that wasn't a great feeling. But the day will cross that point when the time arrives. But in those very early awakening moments of the day, where the sunlight wasn't even coming through the windows yet and life really was just getting up and rubbing the sleep out of their eyes, Bradford quietly yet obviously strolled into Jay's room. Smirking as he tucked the trusty and worn out iPad under his arm, Bradford pulled his coffee cup to his lips as he surveyed the scene in front of him. Hailey was underneath everyone's jackets. It appeared their crazy idea to bring Jay to the roof for his last night at Med worked out. It also looked as if they got back to the room so exhausted and delirious from the cold that they threw everything on her before collapsing onto their respected beds. Hailey's deeply knotted and messy hair was the only thing that was sticking out from under the bevy of jackets, once Bradford got further into the room did he see that she was facing away from Jay, but very much out to the world. Will had a couple blankets wrapped around his person, also turned away from Jay and he too was completely out of it.
"Is it time," came from the person no one saw getting up super easy, the whole reason they were here to begin with. Bradford looked to the person in the middle, the only one in a real bed, to see bleary eyes and heavy lids doing their very best to wake up.
"Hey, you're actually awake this time." Bradford made sure to close the door behind him, putting his coffee cup on the table meant for Jay before looking to Jay who had managed to roll from his side resting position to his back. Through rubbing his eyes into waking up, Jay nodded while yawning.
"Yeah, I don't think I slept a whole lot since we got back," he spoke just barely above a whisper, doing his best to be respectful of those who were still sound asleep.
"Jay, that's really not okay. You still need rest. Not sleeping for you right now is a huge setback," Bradford began rattling off, sighing as Jay waved him off before sitting up and working his way to the edge of the bed.
"Don't worry, I'm sure I'll sleep when I get home today and that will be the only plan for the next little bit."
"Jay, let's not get ahead of ourselves," Bradford warned as Jay's feet touched down on to the floor. It was bit of a dive to meet his patient and assist, but he made it just in time to be the human crutch that Jay needed. He wobbled a little standing by himself, normally he was okay with this part, so it appeared the lack of rest was already working against him.
"Don't do that to me," Jay jokingly warned.
"Do what?"
"Say that I'm going home today and then yank it away again. I'm leaving here whether you sign off or I do." Bradford sighed, letting go of Jay as his patient nodded and just about shoved off of him, his sweet indicator that he was fine to walk on his own. But still, it didn't stop Bradford from hovering and following him to the bathroom.
"I really don't need an audience. I can do this by myself," Jay joked as he shuffled extra slowly into the bathroom, raising the bathroom light strength to low quality before working towards the toilet.
"Well don't take too long, the transport team will be here in a few minutes to take you back to the scanner."
"Oh yeah, so we're doing that here?"
"Yeah man, you're not ready to be aware of how tight the fit is in the MRI machine. That and it's too loud and we don't need to set off a migraine or any kind of freakout."
"It's still no tube, right?"
"No, same sedative as we've always used. I'll give you more since we also are going to take the central line out afterwards."
"Thank God," Jay spoke as he moved from finishing up at the toilet and working towards the sink, running the water as he fiddled around for his toothbrush. There was nothing he hated more than waking up and tasting his mouth after he'd slept. It was clammy, gross, and this morning extra dry and exhausted after the great lack of sleep. So a good teeth brushing moment was very much needed and would be the thing that got him to feel more alert and starting his day.
"What's up with you," Jay asked over a mouth full of spit and toothpaste, sensing and daydream, mild sadness, and mysterious drifting off from the person that was glaring at his back. Jay turned to face his life saver, his last connection to Bolivia and watched him stutter over what to say.
"What…what are you talking about?"
"Aren't you excited to get out of here? You finally get to leave this place and go home. We all do," Jay mumbled and dragged out as he scrubbed and brushed through things.
"Oh…yeah, just focusing on getting through today." Jay returned to the sink, spitting things out and making sure all residue was gone before working his way back to the bathroom door.
"Well, don't look so depressed about it," Jay teased.
"I mean, I get you probably like hospitals and all of that, but have you left this place since you got here?"
"Man, they should've thrown you on the roof a long time ago. You're extra talkative this morning," Bradford joked back, desperately wanting to get the conversation off of him and to anything else. He prayed for Will and Hailey to get up, fall out of bed, do something that would stop Jay from asking too many questions or trying to dig into his mind. That was his role to do on everyone else. Mercifully, the transport team entered the picture just as Jay made it back to sitting on the edge of the bed. There was the distraction and cue to get the day moving along.
"Do I need to change or anything," Jay asked as the gurney was pulled into the room and stopped right at the end of the bed.
"No, you're fine. We'll take off the hoodie after the scan and then put everything back when we're done."
"Oh I love the idea of being undressed in my sleep," Jay joked. Will and Hailey were jostled awake by now, Bradford telling them the time had come to say goodbye. They were slow in getting up, but seeing Jay already awake and seeming to be waiting for them helped speed things along. Hugs were exchanged, words of behaving and doing well were administered, and soon it was Will to help Jay stand up and get to the transport gurney before getting him situated on the flat surface. Meanwhile Hailey dug herself out of her jacket mountain, clutching all of them under her arms and looking on at the scene in front of her. Jay was great at hiding his emotions, but she saw what was really going through that mind of his right then. He was scared, he still had that fear of letting go and falling back into 'the darkness' as he told her one time a few weeks back. He said that once you'd been there for a long time, it was hard to imagine going back and still being able to come back to real life. She wished there was a way to not have him go through this whole charade, but in order to help him he had to swallow the fear and dive in headfirst. But she also saw the nerves. There was a lot riding on this scan and Jay was fully aware of it. If he didn't pass this, then he was here for another few days. And after last night and all the other times they failed, she couldn't imagine seeing him heartbroken and rejected like that another time. He was very much ready to get out of here. He was not ready to go back into a fully normal real life outside of the hospital, but he was ready to not be monitored and hovered over all day long. In previous scans there were slight areas of swelling, or the blood work came back weird, or there was some concern that Bradford deemed important enough to keep Jay in this place awhile longer. They all got it, he was still very much healing and hurdles and bumps along the road were normal, but it was a whole other thing to explain things to Jay and watch him have to accept it all. He didn't get it, was probably never going to fully grasp it, but still it was painful to see his excitement and hope go down the drain.
"Hailey," from the very person she was daydreaming about snapped her back into reality. She blinked and flinched before looking up at him truly and seeing that they all were waiting for her to say something.
"Oh, sorry," she blushed.
"We'll pack up while you're gone. Fingers crossed."
"Goodbye to you too," he teased.
"Oh, and yeah…goodbye! We'll be here." It was seconds after that when his whole person went limp, a sight she was never going to get used to. They all were accustomed to it, but it was never going to get easier seeing Jay lose all consciousness and life. Even if it was for a little bit, it was never going to sit well with any of them. It brought back too many bad nights and moments and just the darkest moments of this whole thing. Bradford had told Jay something it being like a long blink, to which Hailey hoped that was true. She wanted nothing more than for all of this to be a quick blink, a flash in the day before they all got out of here. It was time for everyone to go home.
…
To Jay it very much was a long blink. A quick count to three, where there was very clear memory of one and then everything drifted off from there. He very much recalls feeling the sedative enter his IV line and ripple all over his person, that initial chilling and goosebump cold from liquid hitting human insides before matching up to body temperature. Once that's done, then the warmth and extra fuzziness takes over and blinking is way too much of a chore. There is just a millisecond, enough time to inhale where you are aware you're drugged but cannot do anything about it, praying you don't do anything stupid. That is number two in the count. Then life becomes totally and completely blank, blacked out, you fall into a chasm of nothing, stillness, quiet and absolute blank. During this time you have no concept of time, you are unaware of the moment you arrived, and at some point you come to. But between all of that there is absolutely nothing. No memory, no life in the between, you just come out of life and into nothing before getting carted back to life. Even trying to think back and recall what one did with all those hours, days, however long you are in that blank space, there is absolutely nothing. It is blank, there is no other way to describe this weirdness and occurrence. But three, the moment where you are first aware of things, incredibly mildly one must add, that is when you are first aware that things happened. This is when you become clear and certain that something happened. Its in the fuzziness of everything, that tingling warmth and overly chilled self that is the first hint. Then comes the weakness, the soreness, that very real and deep feeling that something has changed in you, around you, through you while you were away. This is when three happens and you are back. It is very much a blink to the person undergoing any kind of sedative, but the things that transpire as one counts is the great mystery of it all. It takes some time, some longer than others, but before too long you figure it out and remember where the counting began and why you were counting to begin with. That is where this story find Jay at this extra moment.
"Knock knock," Bradford greets the room with, the once busy nature of the hurried state of getting everything together stopped as those in the room turned around to face the surgeon and what all he was bringing in tow. In the moments of quick packing over the last couple of weeks, the short trips to the apartment and back or shopping in the city for a thing or two were really stacking up. What began as a single overnight bag for each person became many bags, shopping bags, enough to have packed for multiple months with more options to choose from than whatever would be worn. Will joked right before Jay came back that they'd need a moving van for all their crap and many trips from the room to the car. Hailey said they'd manage.
"Hey guys," Will softly spoke as Bradford stepped aside to let the transport team push the gurney into the room with Jay just barely coming into the opening stages of waking up after sedation. This was not anyone's first time watching him go through this process, but each time there was an equal and heightened reaction to seeing him again. Hailey got extra mushy and soft on Jay, almost cooing and wanting to coddle him like a baby. Will was just very quiet and gentle but stayed back until Jay was more coherent. It was bad enough one of them was making such a big deal over him waking up, best to not have two hovering people near him when he became more aware of his surroundings.
"Careful, his chest is going to be sore since we just took the central line out," Bradford spoke up as things came to a halt in the room, Hailey's hands just over the extraction point stopping as Bradford spoke. She nodded, landing her fingertips on his shoulder and ever so carefully patting and holding him. Watching him leave, having to let him go was never an easy thing, especially so soon after all this nightmare began. That tactile confirmation that he was back and safe did wonders for her psyche.
"How did that go," Will asked?
"Everything went fine. There was a little more bleeding than usual but that's also.."
"-The blood thinner," Will cut in. He was the doctor one after all, he didn't need the full explanation. Bradford nodded before going on.
"He's going to need to change his top before he goes. There may be some blood on it. We did our best to keep it quick and clean, but there will be a little residual bleeding."
"We'll get him changed when he's more awake." Hailey meanwhile was staring in quiet wonderment in watching Jay slowly, oddly, but definitely wake up. He went from totally out to twitching his lips, nose, eyebrows, the nerves and sensation kicking back in. Then came the hands movements and toes brushing against the blankets on top of him, before too long the lips parted away from each other, extra cracked and dried out from the lack of moisture and saliva that had held them together for so long. They never got why Jay wound his tongue in a circle through his mouth over and over again, most likely from things being dry and tasing medicinal, but then again he was never alert enough to remember any of this stage. But Hailey knew the signs, knew when to back up a little and ready herself for the extra drugged and dazed blinks and glances around. She never flat out flashed a full smile at him, for fear of it being too much and too out of her norm that would scare him. But she was always there with an extra dose of comfort and support when his incredibly tired and lost eyes finally met her gaze.
"Hey you. It's all done," she whispered, leaning towards him and holding his hand and waiting for him to respond back. A couple times she got a hand squeeze, one time she got a full head nod, and today she got more lip licks before he did his best to speak. It was so faint that you had to be right by his mouth to even pick up that he was saying anything. His mouth was so dry and voice so weak from the medication that was running through him, and that he'd been out for all this time. But even still Hailey could not figure out what he was saying. She leaned in closer to him, whispering into his ear about what he was trying to say. Apparently her guess was wrong, Jay shaking his head in microbursts before he attempted the strength to speak once more.
"Home," she finally spoke up with, standing herself back up to see Jay nod and settle back into a sleeping state.
"In a little bit. You need to wake up a little more before we can get you out of here. How about getting back into bed?" Jay was not at all on board with that one, now more aggressively shaking his head in protest.
"Okay…okay, just settle down. We'll keep you right here," she spoke up, looking around and behind her to find Bradford to verify what she was saying was accurate. He gave her a thumbs up before looking back at whatever he was doing.
"Just close your eyes, go back to sleep. When you wake up next you'll feel a lot better. You're almost there," she spoke, now brushing her fingers along his completely IV free arm, a first in weeks. She smirked at all the cotton balls and bandaids that peppered his arms, but at least they were empty of medical garb. It was a moment that seemed to never be coming. Jay Halstead was about as close to independent as he'd been in forever.
The sedative did its thing, pulling Jay harshly back down into the dark abyss and zapping all energy out of him. Hailey so badly wanted to lean and land a kiss on his forehead, cheek, just touch her lips to any part of him. She'd gotten close many times before, but knew from prior close calls with this lovely sedative crap that any kind of unplanned or unknown touch would send his arms swinging. One time Will brushed a hand against Jay's forearm. It was very quick and barely skin to skin, but Jay in a very deep slumber shot his arm immediately towards the contact, which awarded him a beautiful and full bruising of his knuckles and arm as his flailing arm met the bedrail. People came flying in fearing something awful had happened, as all the bed alarms went off. Will completely panicked that he'd broken his brother. Jay was very much awake and loving the throbbing pain that was radiating from his hand. Lesson learned, don't disturb the ninja when he was sleeping off a sedative. Hailey was very wary of this, pulling the couple of layered blankets that were resting on Jay's lap and bringing them close to his face. She held on all the way till she was just under his chin, letting go and allowing the material to land on his chest and brush against his person. Jay immediately and fully flinched, rapidly inhaling and eyes popping open and going wide to find the person who intruded on his rest.
"Sorry, it's just me. You're okay. Just rest," she spoke, nodding and placing a hand on the gurney and not moving till he fell back to sleep. It took many forced inhales and exhales, blinking galore and a couple more reassurances from her till he did as was told. They were counting down the minutes now. Not too much longer now till this song and dance all this hospital life conundrum was behind them. It could not get arrive soon enough.
…
The next time he stirred things were improved. They were not normal and back to being fully coherent and level, but it was vastly improved from the prior wake up times. First, because he was actually able to open his eyes once more, actually be aware that he was awake and moving. The grogginess and deep, warmth of a good slumber was invading his every fiber of his being and movement was a bit of a chore. But still, he was able to open his eyes, look around and take note of the fact that he was alert and with the world fully once more. But the second reason this wake up session was vastly improved was the scene revealing itself to his very tired self. For starters there were bags packed up, all the weeks of trekking things all over the place were now being house in one spot: by the hospital room door. Will and Hailey were sitting on the couch, both appearing to be in a casual conversation. Hailey was actually smiling, her joke voice on and Jay may have detected a mild laugh coming out of her. Will sounded to be on the defensive, protesting and standing up for himself for a reason Jay wasn't able to fully pick up. Blame the sedative on that one. But as Jay looked around the room, his very tired and healing brain told him things, the mood, of this room had finally shifted in a good direction. It felt like the room and the world were on hold, just waiting for him to get with it so they all could advance to whatever was next. Shoes were on both Will and Hailey's feet, which was a positive change from the usual socks or slippers they had on. Jackets were also being clasped under their arms or draped between where they were sitting, that jacket waiting for its' owner to get up and don it. And the room was calmer, more relaxed. Just like a hotel room feels on the very last day of a trip, their time had come to a conclusion. It was fun, it was real, but their eventual departure had finally arrived. Despite no one giving Jay the official word that he was on the cusp of being sprung out of this place, those tried and true gut feelings were kicking into gear just then. He was about to head home.
"What are you guys talking about," he chimed in with, his voice so rough and weak that just noise seemed to be coming his way, but it got the attention of the couch dwellers.
"Aww you woke up," Hailey overly praised, pivoting her whole person away from Will and to Jay, smiling extra wide and happily as she watched Jay furrow his brow in confusion.
"Wait…" he trailed off with, his eyes glancing over to the bed he was supposed to be in, now wondering where he'd been resting all this time. He attempted sitting up, but the sudden jerk movement of his upper body and chest hissed in anger, stabbing hot white pain shot across his chest. He grunted in hatred and oddness for what was going on, troubled that sleep could do this to him. Hailey immediately rose from her seat, walking over to him as she explained.
"They took your central line out after the scan."
"Do you need something for the pain," Will jumped in with. Jay shook his head, keeping his eyes closed while willing the pain away.
"Did they do the scan," he spoke through gritted teeth. Hailey brushed a hand on top of his left, gently removing the hand from his incision spot and hoping that would help with the pain.
"Yeah, it happened awhile ago. You're back in the room and I think we're just waiting for the paperwork to be done. Right," she asked, turning back to Will who nodded in approval of the speech.
"Discharge always takes longer than expected, that and we needed you to wake up."
"Wait for real? We're actually leaving?" Jay opened his eyes for that, looking right at Hailey to nodded once more, Jay's eyes trailing to behind her to see Will also nod and give a thumbs up.
"Obviously you still have a lot of healing to do and things are still a little fluid, but you've been cleared to stay home."
"Go home," Jay corrected.
"And stay home," Will shot right back. If Jay wasn't so exhausted and more with it he'd start crying, but that darn sedative was really pulling all the emotions out of the room. But fear not, Hailey took over that role, her eyes filling with tears as she watched Jay look around the room again, realizing this was one of the last times he would. Just like that, it was all coming to a close in the best way possible. Jay Halstead was about to be a former patient. What a scenario that didn't feel like it would ever arrive.
"Don't start crying. I don't think we all need to be crying when Bradford gets here. They'll make us stay another night," Jay teased, squeezing her hand a couple times to drag her out of the mindset she was in. She blushed at the kind gesture of his, nodding and chuckling as she used her free hand to wipe the tears out of existence.
"Sorry, I just can't believe we're actually doing this. I'm really proud of you," she spoke while wrapping up the tear wiping. Jay nodded, really trying to find the strength to sit up and walk out of this place, but that gurney was way too comfy and tempting to escape. He kind of hated that he was finding comfort and rest in all of this.
"Hey, we need to switch out your shirt," Will spoke up, doing his very best to take away the tension or emotions of the moment, instead focusing on the required tasks before they departed. Good old Will, always finding the practical and process in everything.
"Why," Jay asked?
"Well, you bled a little too much when they took the central line out so we thought you might like to not have a bloody shirt when you left."
"Oh…yeah…that's fine," Jay said, now really wanting to sit up. Keeping his left forearm clenched against his chest, Will and Hailey worked together to sit him up and help him remove the soiled shirt for a thicker zip up hoodie. They swore he was fine to move his arm, that they would keep movement of the arm to a minimum, but once you feel that pull and serious pain spike in moving recently cut open skin, its hard to accept what people are saying. It was a very slow, delicate, and methodical task, but before too long Jay was wearing blood-free clothing and sitting on the edge of the gurney, feet just brushing the cold tile floor. From there they finished dressing him, the jacket going on just about as gingerly and slowly as the hoodie, but they waited to zip things up till they were officially cleared. Will took on the task of putting sneakers on Jay's feet while Hailey put the beanie over the head. It felt like they were dressing the world's largest doll, but before too long he was looking more and more like his pre-accident self. A look they welcomed with open arms.
"Here, I can take those off," Hailey offered, grabbing hold of Jay's right wrist and attempting to rip off the hospital bands, medical flight bands, all the bands that told of his life the last few weeks. Much to her surprised, Jay pulled away from her, shielding his wrist from her hands while he shook his head. This was a newfound thing of his, in times past he was pulling those things off before he even got the approval to check out of the hospital. The full one eighty from the norm troubled her at first, but it was Jay's response that had her on the verge of tears again.
"Don't do that. It helps me remember." The way in which he looked at her when he said that, and how quick and quiet he was in delivering the announcement truly made it all so incredibly real. It was such a small thing, items that people never think twice about or are dying to be rid of, but to Jay it was so valuable and important; perhaps one of the only tangible things that connected with him and helped him realize everything he had been through. Certainly, he was going to have the side effects, scars, stories and blurry memories of all of this stored away forever, but it was these pieces that outlined and told a tale of where he'd started to today. It was a story right there on his wrist and clearly meant so much. If nothing else, it drove home how lost and struggling he still was and how much healing was in front of him. He put on a great act, did what was necessary to get him out of this place, but there was so much missing still and mountains still to climb over and embrace. Hailey almost felt like she'd attempted to violate something sacred.
"That's okay. Whenever you're ready," she said, immediately removing her hands from his wrist, making sure he nodded and relaxed before she stepped away. She would've loved nothing more than to take a photo of this exact moment. For the first time in a very long time Jay looked out of place in this room. He was so ready to be out of there and finally, miraculously, he had this sense of independence and normalcy about him. Again, he was graduating from a neuro ICU room to his own bed, but it was one of the more massive steps he'd taken in quite some time. But alas, a knock they'd all be waiting for rattled against the hospital room door. It was time to say goodbye.
"Well I see you got told the news," Bradford greeted them with. Will and Hailey nodded, looking to the surgeon and saying something about being excited and forever grateful for the moment. Jay meanwhile was incredibly zeroed in on the syringe in the guy's hand. He thought he was done with all of that, everything had been transitioned to pills and liquids and things that didn't require IVs. So the oddness of that being in the room was totally consuming him, and the fact that his deep hatred of needles was never going to leave him. Even after all of this, that was the thing he feared the most.
"What's with that," Jay spoke from behind, his eyes locked in on the needle and his finger lazily pointing at it. Will and Hailey just rolled their eyes as they started gathering their things.
"Well, you are going home in a few minutes. Paperwork is all in order and all you have to do is sign on the bottom. I already gave all the instructions to these two, but I'm going to tell you that your biggest thing is rest. Lots of rest, you are not allowed to be by yourself for a little while, I do not trust you to stay stationary if you're on your own."
"Agreed," Hailey spoke up. Bradford smirked in humor, gripping the iPad more in his hand and a very fine shake going over his fingers. Only because Jay was deadlocked on his hands did he notice, but the slight nerves in his voice and just tense nature all over him was doing wonders for Jay's being. How this guy was a skilled enough surgeon to pull him from death's front door but be this nervous was beyond him. But Jay just quietly looked on. At some point he was going to figure out what was going on. It would be the final thing he did in this place.
"So follow up will be with Dr. Abrams. I think you will be in perfectly good hands with him. You're first follow up is in a week and then as things progress from there. But expect a few more returns to this place."
"Wait, so is this it?" Will and Hailey held their breath, looking between Jay and Bradford and growing saddened as the guy nodded his head. After all they'd been through and all the ups and downs and mad chaos and distrust of their introductions, this was the last time the four of them would be in a room together. For awhile they wanted nothing more than for all of this and for things of this caliber to be past them, but to think the guy that brought all of them to this moment and had them this close to freedom was about to vanish into the background of the story was truly heartbreaking to say the least. From someone they knew nothing about, to hating him and wary of him, to now this: it was story for the ages. They all were truly going to miss him and his mystery antics.
"Yeah Halstead, I'm out of here after today. In fact I have a flight booked for later tonight."
"Where are you going," Jay asked?
"Home, back on the West Coast. Its been a minute since I was there but…its time. So I'll hang out there for a couple weeks and finally get to sleep and then…who knows. Something else."
"So you're not going back to Bolivia?" Bradford shook his head, glancing down at the tablet before speaking.
"No, that's over. I can't go back there. Not after all of this."
"Same," Jay joked, doing his very best to lighten the mood. It worked for a moment, but before too long Hailey stole the show by going to Bradford and embracing him in a hug. It was so not something the surgeon saw coming and clearly was not okay with. It was like hugging a vampire with sunlight, the guy barely moved and was so awkward that it didn't last long, but that was a huge thing for her to do. After all the judgement and tenseness between, that's how it wrapped up for them. What a moment, too bad Jay wasn't fully aware of the history between them.
"Will, why don't we go get the car. You grab bags and I'll be right behind. That way we can all go down together?!"
"Sure," Will agreed with, reaching over and shaking Bradford's hand in thanks before the two of them and all their possessions left the scene for a moment. Jay didn't say goodbye or even wonder what car they brought or anything. He was still enamored by the syringe in the room and wondering why that topic hadn't been covered yet.
"You ready to get out of here?"
"You have to ask that," Jay sneered as Bradford moved further into the room, now raising the feared syringe into the light of the room, inching closer to Jay and motioning for his arm.
"Here, I just need to give you this. It's to help with the drive home," he said as Jay reluctantly pulled his right jacket sleeve off, Bradford unzipping the hoodie before the two of them watched as the area was prepped.
"What is it," Jay nervously spoke up as the cap was taken off and the needle lined up for his arm. Wincing as he felt the extra small needle invade his skin, Bradford waited till it was fully in before responding.
"It's just an anti-nausea medication. You make get sick or dizzy from the movement and just going from the car to your place. It's pretty common so better to be prepared than have you throwing up on the way home. You may feel drugged in a couple minutes, but it'll make the drive better." Jay nodded, pulling his sleeve back up before putting the jacket and things into place. His eyes followed the surgeon to the dispose bin for needles, feeling that very strong and serious pull of extra warmth and fading out coming on fast. He'd had drugs of this power in his person since he first resurfaced from the coma. Once you've been on this crap, you know the horrible feeling of losing oneself and know that things were changing fast. So if Jay was going to get any kind of answer out of this guy he had to act fast.
"Hey, I think I need to thank you for all of this," he began with.
"You already did," Bradford quickly replied. Jay sat for a few seconds racking his brain for a memory, a moment or recollection of anything, eventually shaking his head in disagreement.
"I don't think I have."
"You did, way back when you first got up. You may not remember it but trust me, you did." Jay was still not believing him, but time was truly running out. The room was starting to get fuzzy, his mouth get more numb by the breath. He had minutes at best.
"Hey, I think at this point we're on a first name basis. So…I'm Jay and you are?!" Forgive him for his very brash and odd way of asking the guy for his name. He's on some serious drugs over here.
"Tyson. Tyson Bradford." Jay's face lit up, his eyes huge and startled like some massive memory had popped into his brain. Like his whole life had just been revealed to him in an instant, he was having trouble finding the words. Bradford was hoping he hadn't overdosed him. It was slightly stronger Benadryl. It couldn't have made Jay this out of sorts.
"Wait, you're the guy."
"What?!" Bradford was floored that Jay was even able to say that he was 'the guy.' How he knew about his past, what made him horribly famous, and how his name alone elicited that reaction was absolutely shocking. He thought he'd done so well to hide his identity, shield his past from his life in South America, holy shit Jay Halstead was good.
"Did you guys tell him," Bradford verbally smacked Will and Hailey with as they returned to the room. One looked to the other perplexed by what they were being accused of, all now looking to Jay who was still dumbfounded that that guy was the one who was responsible for all of this.
"Tell him what," Will finally said. Hailey still waiting for all the pieces to connect.
"You know…me?!"
"Ahhhh," Hailey sighed with, shaking her head while looking to Will for agreement.
"We haven't said anything. Right?!"
"Nope, honestly I'd totally forgotten."
"I read about it in some article," Jay answered all their questions with, Hailey the most shocked out of everyone.
"Yeah, we were out late one night and I needed to stay awake and so I read it in some random LA Times article. There wasn't a picture but I remember the name." "Where the hell did that memory come from," she teased. Jay just shrugged his shoulders.
"I don't know."
"Well, I'm sorry I never told you till now. I probably should have way back when we first met…or all the times I shut you out. But.." Jay shook his head, cutting Bradford off with a hand wave and doing his very best to speak some kind of solace or final message to the guy. There was no way on earth he was ever going to be mad at this guy. Whatever had happened in the past was clearly made up for during their time in Chicago. He went above and beyond to save his life, face true fears, and literally did everything to get him to this very moment in time. Any kind of forgiveness or resolution that was necessary was overpaid. Whatever happened from here on out, they were solid till the very end.
"Hey, we both went down there to figure life out and we did that. So…we're good." Bradford couldn't think of a better thing to respond with, much less find the courage to speak without breaking down in tears. He didn't come this far to burst into tears on his patient now. Correction, he wasn't going burst into tears on his friend. But thankfully Jay's body took over the situation, his yawn and nodding off a sign that it was time to hit the road before the drugs truly knocked him out for awhile. He managed to get on to the waiting wheelchair, swearing that he was fine to walk out of the building but after many glares he caved. They all told him it was hospital policy and drugged or not, that was his ticket out of the building. From there it all happened so fast. The final walk down the hallway, the last ride in the elevator, by the time the foursome got to the main level and were in the process of walking out the front door, Jay was just barely above full, deep sleep. He has no memory of inhaling fresh air as a free man for the first time, no memory of what vehicle he was shoved into or even what seat he was put in. There was a pillow and a warm blanket waiting for him on the passenger seat, the familiar smell of his property greeting him on the other side of the car door, but he was far too gone for any of his brain to register things. He was nodding off as Hailey reached to make sure he was securely buckled in, head resting against the pillow and eyelids becoming heavier as they all bid farewell to Bradford, Med, all hospital life. By the time Hailey got in the driver's seat and put things into gear Jay mumbled something about being hungry. He was completely passed out before they left the front drive. Bradford just smiled and waved at them, becoming a small blur of nothing in the rearview mirror. They were out of there and well on their way to the great unknown. Hailey looked in the mirror at Will in the backseat and did her best to not cry as she saw him looking out the left window with tears running down his face. Before she made the right hand turn onto the main road before the highway, the glance over at Jay sound asleep in the passenger seat next to her was what did her in. Life got blurry for all of them right in those split seconds, but in the best way possible. What an absolute miracle they all were living in.
…
"Jay?! We're home," greeted him on the other side of his little nap and he was not completely thrilled to be awakened. Hailey had been nudging his shoulder for a few times now, Jay able to hear her but not really wanting to wake up. He was still incredibly tired and the blanket and pillow around him were supremely inviting, but the mention of a home or not being in the hospital anymore were enough to finally get him out of his little slumber. He opened his eyes to a very light and bright and white early winter wonderland. That was when the memory of last night came back, the snowfall they all watched begin its descent to Chicago's streets was now coating everything. It was stunning, very much reflective, and a fun little reminder that this was just the beginning.
"Hey," Hailey's voice called him away from the window and to her. Jay pulled himself away from the window to his left, looking over at her in the driver's seat. A seat that he'd sat in for many an hour and overnight trip, not to mention so many chases and just boring commutes that this interior and that seat were going to be engrained for life. No brain surgery or near death experience was going to separate his mind from his prized possession.
"Wait…how did you…" he grogged, the drugs very much in his system still allowing for his voice to be extra low and slow. Hailey rolled her eyes as she put the truck in park, putting her hand on the door handle and starting to get out.
"Well it didn't take much sleuthing to figure it out. You left from O'Hare and it wasn't here so…yeah. Plus I figured you'd want it back home." He followed her getting out of the truck, rounding the front and coming to his door. He waited till she opened his door before connecting the dots.
"But anyway, you ready to get inside? We promised we'd get you straight home and in bed," she went on with, removing the blanket from Jay's still exhausted body before stepping on to the running board in an effort to unbuckle Jay's seatbelt. He was so out of it he truly wondered what the heck she was trying to do, almost coiling back in fear for suddenly being leaned over and touched without much warning.
"Or you could do it yourself," she teased as the clicked of the buckle getting freed allowed him to relax slightly. Will meanwhile had gathered all the bags from the back, just about tossing them onto the sidewalk in a heap as large as the snowdrifts outlining the edges of the walkway. Jay managed to find the energy to swivel himself in the direction of the open car door before pausing, closing his eyes and craning his neck from side to side. The sudden brightness of sunlight and brisk cold air was an adjustment to say the least.
"What, pain," Hailey nervously inquired, Jay very quickly shaking his head.
"No, just feeling so drugged."
"Can we get moving. It's beyond freezing out here," Will called from the sidewalk, his layering skills clearly not thick enough for the cold front that was still blowing in. His arms were crossed against his middle and he was doing his very best to rub warmth back into his body. Hailey rolled her eyes, saying something about him not being prepared for the weather and Will shot back that he didn't think they were going to be standing out there for so long. Jay meanwhile was daydreaming a drug induced fog, noting how quiet and more relaxed this little scene in front of the apartment was today. It was Chicago after all so people were always coming and going. Any hour of the day, whether it was boiling hot or frigidly cold, people had places to go and things to do. There wasn't much noise out there, not even a car coming down the road or even a tree rustling in the wind. Jay's jumbled brain concluded that they'd shut the street down so his reentry to the world was as smooth as humanly possible. Part of him wanted to be furious, but most of him was thankful. Now he got why the drugs were administered when they were. It was a whole heck of a lot to take in and absorb and process quickly, his once growling stomach in hunger was now churning in nausea. It was a sensation he'd suffered too many times over the last few weeks, each time praying that was the final time. He was over being sick because he did a routine life activity. That bed way up on the top floor was calling his name extra loud now.
"I think…I need…to go and lay down," he returned to the world with, his slight lean out of the car and into the free fall of air ending Will and Hailey's little spat. It was not any kind of movement that made them panic or shove him back in the truck and march him right back to Med, but it was another clue into how fragile and far off Jay was from any kind of normal scale of living. Hailey braced him with a hand on his chest, her hands going to his forearm and elbow as his feet knew exactly what to do.
"Is it too slippery for you? I know they salted and cleared the sidewalks last night but still."
"It's fine. I'm fine," Jay reassured as his feet touched down on freedom for the first time, taking a step and another before stopping to make sure Hailey closed his door behind him and locked things up. He may have been altered, but he wasn't about to leave things wide open for the taking. When things chirped their confirmation that the truck was secured Jay found the ability to make it to the sidewalk, standing perfectly in place as Will and Hailey gathered the bags deep onto their arms and backs.
"I can take one," Jay offered, holding an arm out but Will shot that idea down right away.
"We got it. You just got home, bro. Plus, if you're dizzy more weight isn't going to help."
"I don't mind. I can help."
"Jay, we got it. Now let's get inside. It is so freezing out here."
"It's going to be a long winter for you, Will," Jay teased with, the three of them rolling their eyes in agreement before said brother got the trio moving. Will took the lead, Jay slowly dragging behind with Hailey very much hovering around him. It felt like every step was a check-in, making sure Jay wasn't about to pass out or collapse in a setback and each time he did his best to convince them he was fine. They made it into the building without incident and the elevator arrived before too long.
"Where is everyone," Jay inquired as they got on, noting the lack of the doorman or the neighbors with the tiny dogs that always needed walking, or the one lady that seemed to always be around when he was. None of them were here just then, going along with the theme of the outdoors. Everyone and everything was different and nonexistent, like the three of them were left behind after a zombie apocalypse.
"Well it's Thanksgiving so my guess is at home with family," Will spoke as he hit the top floor button for home.
"It's Thanksgiving? Like today?" Hailey nodded, Jay glancing over at Will who was showing him his phone, revealing that indeed today was that Thursday in November when Thanksgiving always arrived. Holy shit, he'd let all of fall slip past him while he rested deep in that hospital. There was so much to catch up on. The elevator arrived before too long, softly alerting they were on the floor and the doors sprawling open and almost shoving them out of the car. Jay hesitated when they reached solid ground, the door way on the other end of the hallway flashing a memory right across his vision. It was very faint and blurry, but he felt the emotions of that day, the face wiping and sniffing he experience the last time he was here. He could feel the very real sensation of being lost, drifting back to those great waters of life way back when. All of that felt like a lifetime ago, and in many ways it was. So much had changed since then, whether it was for better or worse was still to be decided at this time. But Jay could not shake that feeling, the tightness of aimlessly drowning in the choppy seas of knowing nothing about his life. He'd chosen to give up so much, said farewell to so many familiar and stable life rafts to dive deeper into a world that he'd sworn off on for a very long time. He was lost then, felt even more lost now, but somehow he was more at peace with where he was. Instead of fighting the current and forcing a way through that only made sense to him, perhaps turning onto his back and staring up at the blinding lights above would be what ultimately guided him back to calmer waters. There was always going to be a way out of things, a northern star that guided him from one sea to another, he just had to be willing to look around, seek out that light source, and have the courage and energy to get there. He was going to find himself one day, he was going to be a new version of his former glory before too long. Perhaps Bolivia was that avenue he needed in order to be right here, or that undergoing the world's most improbable brain surgery and defying the biggest odds life had ever thrown at him was that pull or star that illuminated the way to safety and self-discovery. At this very moment in time, those choppy and murky waters were all that he felt enveloping him, but if there was any difference from the last time he was in this hallway and now, it was the sense of peace and acceptance in where he found himself in life right now. He was not okay or a person he knew, but he was going to get there one day.
"You doing alright," Hailey asked, noting that Jay was not moving for about a minute now and had his eyes closed as he stood prone in his place.
"Yeah, just…tired I think," he responded. The glistening eyes looking at her told her all she needed to know, he was feeling it all. There was her Jay breaking through. Somehow in that moment she knew it was all going to be okay. It was going to take time and effort on both their parts, but they were good.
"Well then let's get you in bed," Will commanded the group huddling around the entrance of the hallway. As they had this whole little trip, Will was taking lead as the other two lallygagged behind. Only when they got to the door did Hailey break rank, fumbling with the door lock and all of them waiting for the thing to grind gears and release their door from its locked state.
"Hey, in honor of the day. What are you thankful for," Will lightened the mood with, his face lighting up as the door fully unlocked and Hailey turned the knob.
"I'm thankful to be putting this crap down," she teased as she was the first to breach the doorway, the chime of people walking through the doorway echoing in the little foyer as they all came in.
"Here here, I'm thankful to be in heat and indoors and not be out in the cold. What about you Jay…Jay?!" As Will and Hailey were bantering and putting things down, Jay had quietly walked past them and was off to explore. Like a toddler in a new place, he gave no warning of escape and was faster than any other speed out there. It felt like a blink, a breath, but he was gone. Hailey looked up from the boots she was kicking off to see an empty hallway, now calling his name and getting nothing. Fear and worry took over between the two of them as jackets were tossed to the floor and their socked feet scurried off to find the frail and falling asleep patient. Luckily he hadn't gone too far, the two of them finding him resting on the kitchen island, dazed and staring off at the couch and balcony. He'd never looked so lost and heartbroken in his life. He was struggling in so many ways, the emotions probably the hardest part of all right about now. Hailey didn't need him to say anything, she knew what happened the last time he stood right there. She had been in a slump ever since that day and she stayed here, she couldn't imagine coming home to all of this after that moment being the last time.
"Hey, let's get you in bed," she gingerly brushed a hand on his sleeve, doing her very best to peel his gaze away from the things in the apartment and to her. She was doing her best to distract him, take his mind off the trauma of his past and to the present task at hand. He was tired, the bedroom was just steps away, he needed to get himself there.
"Jay, it's okay. Let's just go lay down," she spoke stronger now, her act of unzipping his jacket was what finally got him back to hearing her. He allowed her to help with the jacket removal as Will offered to take his shoes and beanie. That new look of his entering the apartment for the first time. It was never going to be easy to accept. For everyone's sanity, Jay needed to go back to the looks of old ASAP. Before too long Jay was down to socks and normal clothes, a deep yawn erupting as he looked around for the room in question.
"Here, this way," she nudged, wrapping an arm around his waist as the two of them walked ever so slowly to their room.
"I got it," he yawned once more.
"Jay, I know you do. But its okay to have help every once in awhile," she said as the bedroom door was opened by Will. The bed was really calling Jay's name now, the throwbacks to past life and wracking his brain with memories was over. His body was crying out for the bed and its extra comfy sheets and blankets and pillows and he was not fighting things anymore. Jay all but stumbled into bed, landing just enough on the fluffy and heavenly surface that he didn't roll onto the floor or need his wife and brother to roll him all the way on to safety. Hailey helped pull the blankets and comforter down and around him as Jay adjusted his pillow to the exact way he wanted. Another natural instinct that seemed to survive the surgeries. Bradford allowed that one to remain in his brain. Will offered to get a glass of water in case Jay woke up thirsty, like the elderly mother he truly was. Hailey went to close the curtains in the bedroom and lower the lights before heading to the closet for something when Jay found the last ounce of strength in him.
"Hey, just sit for a second."
"What," Hailey stopped dead in her tracks with.
"Just sit on your side for a minute."
"You're sure," she inhaled with? This was the first move in months on his part. Even before he left, they weren't doing this. She didn't see anything serious breaking out right then, but the fact he was asking for her to be near him was about on par with the two of them ripping each other's clothes off. Hailey nodded, doing her best to not sprint over to her side of the bed when Jay's head rubbed against his pillow in a nod, her spirits soaring as he rolled to watch her get in bed and shimmy closer to him. They were not skin to skin and certainly not doing anything sexual, there was very much still a barrier or invisible force between them right then, but this was the closest they'd been in quite some time. She wanted nothing more than to reach over and touch him, hold his hand, slip back into the ways of old. But she knew they weren't there yet. They would be, but not today. Jay needed time if she was being honest with herself, she needed time and reentry to this life as well. But to be on a bed with him was giving her those teenage hormonal feels all over again. Her heart was fluttering to say the least.
"I'm thankful to be home," he drifted off with, smirking at her and locking looks for a split second before the exhaustion and drugs won out. Only when she saw he was totally out did she allow the silent tears to drip down her face. It was not illusions or false visions or hopes and wishes anymore. Jay Halstead was home, safe, and with her. As she listened to his sleep sounds dribbling out of his mouth, watching his eyelids dance in some form of a dream and his body twitch in life confirmations, she was waiting for someone to pinch her, some alarm to wake her to reality of Jay dying in front of her while she'd dreamed this whole euphoria experience. Sleep was now finding her, a great nap knocking on the door. And as her eyelids got heavy and she yawned while adjusting herself for a great rest, her mind couldn't help but wander back to that little unanswered question she had way back when, the night when they reunited for the first time. Why had she done what she did? Said yes to the craziest scenario the world had never dared to play out before? She'd said yes to this, she'd granted life to dare to surprise her in the best way possible. Without the hurt and trauma and heartbreak of that leap of faith, this would not have happened. So put in that scenario once again, even though she prayed they never were, she would do the exact same thing. All of it. For real this time readers, that was what she was most thankful for. She was thankful for Jay Halstead's existence, she was thankful that Bolivia happened when it did, she was thankful Bradford was a complete mystery, and glad that modern medicine and fate won. What a life, what a story, and for the two of them, she hoped the best was yet to come. There was no other option, they didn't come this far for it to go any other way. Her body slumped over in sleep before too long, her hand perhaps brushing against his band filled arm before it landed on the bed.
"Hey, do you want me to go grab anything? I can't imagine anything is open but I.." Will cut himself off with as he looked at the scene in front of him, smirking in victory and contentment. At last, they were themselves once more: united and in sync. All was well…or would be in time.