XII – "What is happening to me?"
Shinji Ikari was confused.
Granted, this was hardly a new thing for him; his entire life had been quite confusing since the moment he got a letter from his father, ordering him to come to Tokyo-3. And then things have gone even weirder, worse, and – if only sometimes – wonderful in the days and weeks that followed. But until now, no matter how crazy things have become, they have been at least following some logic. Perhaps it was logic that he often only understood after the fact and with some effort – but it was certainly there.
Regretfully, it seemed that the reality finally had enough of playing by the rules anymore and the logic went out of the window the moment the battle with the most recent Angel ended. One moment he was inside the Entry Plug, relishing in his triumph and howling for every living being to hear – and the next, he was laying on his back on something soft, hearing the sounds of the forest around him, and seeing the sun shining through the coronas of the trees.
'Did the Eva explode?' was his first thought – but he dismissed it quickly; it was quite obvious to him that he would not have survived that; Entry Plugs were resilient, yes, but not that resilient. 'Was I thrown out, perhaps? Is this the Geofront's forest?' followed – but it was dismissed as well; the Evangelions were quite tall, and a fall from such a height would have definitely hurt or even killed him, not place him comfortably on a moss carpet. Besides, the Evangelions did not catapult people, they ejected the entire Entry Plugs. He would still have been surrounded by darkness and LCL – and he was quite sure that right now he was, in fact, breathing air.
The possibility that he indeed was killed and that this was some antechamber to the afterlife appeared in his mind and was quickly swept away. It was simply too terrifying to consider; there had to be a different explanation for his strange position.
The images of the fight were slowly returning to him: the usual pre-combat tension, the deployment inside Geofront after the Angel pierced the defences as if they were nothing, the initial engagement. He quickly recalled the adaptive tactics they employed to cover the barely functional Unit-02, he remembered the partial successes, the Angel's horrifyingly effective counterattacks–
'Asuka!' flared in his mind as he remembered Unit-02 being tossed in the air and away, followed by the returning memory of the insane anger, the maddening fury, the unthinkable rage that he felt as he was pounding the Angel with his fists, as he tore it apart, as he–
His stomach turned for a moment. 'Did I really eat that thing?' he asked himself, his confusion displaced by revulsion for a moment as the memories of having tasted blood and raw flesh returned. 'I think I did… did this take me somewhere, perhaps?' he mused for a moment before a more worrying thought seized his mind: 'Did it kill me?', immediately followed by 'Asuka! I can't just… I can't just… she'd be alone?' and then with a bitter 'But she doesn't care for me anymore…'
He clenched his teeth and shook his head in an attempt to push those thoughts away; as important as Asuka was to him, he knew all too well that thinking of her now would only make him morose. 'The Angel is dead. I'm sure of that. She was far away from it, so she's likely not affected by what happened to me… I think. They'll rescue her. And if she's affected just as I am… then she has to be here too' he reasoned carefully. 'But… where is here?' he turned his attention back to the surroundings. 'Did I get transported somewhere, like with the sky-sphere Angel? Or maybe I'm still inside, with my Unit playing tricks on me?' he mused as he carefully tried to sit up – only to simply see more trees around him. At least the forest, while still confusing, now seemed quite normal – and a look around has proven to him beyond any doubt that this was not Geofront; there was a true sky above him, not the dome falsely pretending to be the sky but unable to withstand a few moments of observation. Standing up helped even more; now it felt more like one of those regular forests near the place he grew up in – sure, you could get lost in there if you did not know them – but it was just a forest. As absurd as it felt to him, this was at least a touch of normalcy in his current situation.
Except, of course, for the fact that right now, he still had no idea where he was – or even what he was supposed to do. 'Okay… basic survival lessons from NERV… how did this go… when I get lost, I'm supposed to remain in place, so the people searching for me – namely, Section Two – have a chance to backtrack or do a grid search… but how does this apply here? It's not a school trip nor a military operation, I think…' he mused as he slowly wandered between the trees until his feet found something resembling a path. 'That's much better', he thought with hope rising in his heart, amplified by the fact that he could see some different, decidedly non-forest-like colours in the distance.
'What in–' appeared in his mind a few moments later when a large empty green area became visible between the trees – and, more importantly, it was followed by a large mansion, a kind he had only seen in historical movies before. He had next to no time to process that, though, when a door of the mansion opened and a woman in a dress – oddly matching the historical setting, as he noticed absent-mindedly – emerged, rushing towards him.
"Shinji", she called to him happily, her face showing obvious joy and relief. "Welcome to my garden."
He could only stop and stare. Obviously, meeting someone here likely meant that he could at least learn what was going on, and that could improve his situation at least a bit – but this was not what was on his mind right now. Right now, this sight only increased his confusion; this woman knew his name and seemed to be happy – almost elated – to see him, but he did not seem to know her. On the other hand, he could have sworn on his life that he had seen that face before; it looked like a face from his dreams – but, to his annoyance, he could not remember who that was. And yet, the familiarity was so annoyingly nagging to the point of gnawing at him.
The woman stopped a few metres away from him, uncertainty suddenly painted on her face, mixing with the joy she displayed a second before; her whole demeanour seemed to now ask an unspoken question: "Don't you recognise me?" straight at him. And so he kept staring – and suddenly, like a veil lifting in his mind, images came to him: images of this face smiling to him from behind a glass, a face looking from behind strange machinery, a face that was soon to disappear along with his– his–
"M-mom?" he tried, his tone full of confusion and reluctance. "Is – is that really you?"
"Yes, Shinji", the woman's expression turned from worry to happiness again. "I'm your mom."
"How?" he tried, recalling his previous thoughts. "Am I dead? Is this… the afterlife?"
"Hardly", she chuckled as she slowly took a few steps towards him, as if she was afraid of startling him. "It's… my home."
"But… you are dead", he protested, the confusion painted on his face only deepening. "I mean… were dead? I… I remember that you vanished…" he kept going, barely keeping himself from devolving into babbling. 'Vanished. Yes. I saw her vanish. And Father said the grave was empty…', he realised – and suddenly, a logical explanation presented itself. "Oh. You vanished here. To here, I mean. But what–"
"You were always a smart boy", she remarked, her smile unchanged. "Come", she said as she extended her hand. "Let's sit. We have a lot to talk about."
"Mom?" he tried, his tone still full of confusion, his expression matching that.
"Don't worry, son. I'll explain everything", she said, her smile widening, her tone warm.
Shinji nodded carefully and took her hand; she started to walk slowly, leading him out and away from the tree line. "Do you know what happened to the others?" he started.
"Yes", she nodded. "They're safe. You killed the Angel. And you saved them. Please, take a seat", she gestured to a chair.
Shinji blinked and shook his head, pausing for just a moment: he could have sworn this table and those chairs were not here just a second ago. On the other hand, he was tearing an Angel apart just a few minutes ago; in contrast to that, this sudden if minor change in scenery was just yet another piece added to the puzzle. 'Or yet another hallucination that my brain is having… what was I thinking when I bit into it? Who said that Angels are not poisonous? Is there perhaps an Angel atlas? Those that can be eaten, those that will give you terrible visions, and those that can be eaten, but only once?' rattled in his head without much rhyme and reason. "Mom?" he tried again, unable to think of anything more elaborate. It still felt weird to him to call a woman he just met Mom, yes – but his instincts, his subconscious mind – they were telling him that this was the right thing to do.
"Don't worry. You're safe here", her smile widened again – and that smile quickly melted most of his doubts about how to call her. "Excuse me for a moment…" she added as she gazed somewhere past him, seemingly far away.
Shinji's brow furrowed – but again, this seemed to be just another oddity of this place, a place that still had no name for him, made little sense, and was not inducing any panic only because it was quite serene in comparison to what he had experienced just a few minutes ago. Granted, a lot of questions were swirling in his head – but he could not even know how to start asking them. Seconds passed, thoughts piled up – and the silence was becoming increasingly heavy. Granted, he did feel safe here – but this did absolutely nothing to lessen his confusion. He could accept that his mother was sitting in front of him, yes, even if this was based on his gut feeling and dim memories from his childhood, he could accept her word that everyone else was fine – after all, the battle was over and the Angel was dead – but everything else was still a huge whirl of confusion, a confusion that threatened to turn into fear, a confusion that–
"All right", Yui's words, after a few moments of staring into some distant point, interrupted his slow descent into the mental spiral. "I had to tell a friend that all is well… and I want you to meet someone. She will be here in a few moments. In the meantime… welcome. I have missed you so much", she said in a wistful tone as she took his hand. For some reason, the glove of the plugsuit did nothing to stop the warmth he suddenly felt from this touch, a warmth very different from the scorching flame that Asuka's touch was, a warmth that he associated with safety and care, things he missed dearly for a very long time.
"Mom…" he spoke, trying not to think about what he had missed; he was not prone to crying, but he felt this could happen to him if he dwelled too much on that particular feeling without bottling it up. "What… what is happening? Where am I– where are we?"
"Ah. Right", she chuckled. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I'm not used to guests. Well, at least not to those that need explanations. This is my home… or, more precisely, a creation of my mind where I live. You are inside Unit-01 right now, which is, and forgive me if this sounds odd, my body. You are a guest of my mind."
Shinji shook his head, his expression invariably confused. "How?"
"I'll try to explain, but this may take a while, so please be patient… how much did they tell you about how an Evangelion works?" she asked, her expression quickly turning into far more professional and focused. Still, she did not release his hand.
"Not much", Shinji admitted carefully. "When they put me into the Eva", he paused for a moment and shivered, "they just told me to try to walk as if it were my own body… and then to learn by doing, in short. It didn't go… well", he shivered again and looked aside. "The Eva went… a little bit crazy and killed the Angel for me."
"I know, Shinji", Yui chuckled with a small, sad smile appearing on her face; she squeezed his hand. "I was there. It was me who went crazy. It was the only way to save you then."
Shinji nodded, suddenly uncertain what to say. "Thank you?"
Suddenly, the hold on his hand became much stronger. "Always. I'm your mother, Shinji. I will always protect you", she stated in a firm voice. "Every time you fight, you're in my hands. I can't do everything, a lot depends on you, but I'll do whatever I can to protect you."
He nodded again and after a few moments, he started to speak again. "Then they told me what to do to keep my synch rate high, because this makes me fight better… wait. Wait. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait!" he shook his head again, a sudden expression of shock emerging on his face. "What do you mean it was you? What do you mean by your body? I've been piloting… you?!"
"In a manner of speaking, yes", Yui confirmed with a nod, her tone and smile now somewhat embarrassed. "I know it's difficult, I'm sorry to dump it all on you, but it's important that you understand."
Shinji nodded carefully. "I'll try?" he said in a weaker voice.
"I'm sure you'll manage, as I said – you're a smart boy", she smiled again before picking up the explanation again. "You see… when we built the Evangelions, it was obvious that we needed some kind of a control system. But Evangelions are not just machines that could be implanted with a radio control system… I mean, we could have, there were some ideas about building powerful servomotors into the armour and – I'm sorry", Yui chuckled, seeing how Shinji's expression of shock was now mixed with a tilted head of complete lack of understanding. "Too technical, right? To the point: we quickly realised that soul-to-soul communication is the only way and that the souls had to be close… in other words, family members were the only reliable options. And to amplify the protection factor, it was – in short, it's much more complicated than that – that the mothers of the pilots were the best choices. We were planning to make that system reversible, for both the pilot and the operator to enter the machines only as needed, to have a pair of mother and child work together as needed", she explained before her expression turned somewhat grim. "It… didn't work, to say the least. Once I became integrated, I simply couldn't leave. I tried to leave on my own, but nothing worked. What was worse, I could not communicate with the outside at all. So… to avoid going insane, I build this", she gestured around and paused as she finally looked and Shinji's face and realised that his expression reverted to complete confusion with a dash of shock.
"Um… would you like some tea, perhaps?" she asked with a cautious smile as she reached for the teapot.
...
Shinji was blinking from time to time since this was about the only thing that he was capable of doing reliably. He realised he had been a little bit wrong: what was happening to him now, what he was hearing right now, what he was asked to believe – all this had suddenly become much less comprehensible than the situation he had faced in the heat of battle not so long ago. After all, facing mortal danger has been a regular occurrence for him in the last few months; it was not something he relished in, obviously, but something he got used to to some degree. It was an ill he had and learned to bear.
But this was a flight to a new, undiscovered country. Suddenly learning in short order that his mother was alive – for a certain meaning of the word – and has been around all the time, in addition to the fact that he has been, quite literally, piloting her body – this was rapidly growing to be difficult not just to accept, but to even start processing. Still, even at this moment, he did not forget his manners. "Yes… please", he replied and tried once more to collect his thoughts once Yui let go of his hand and started pouring. A few moments of silence and a taste of tea that brought a renewed sense of safety finally let him ask another question. "Mom… does this mean that… that Asuka is the same? I mean… her… Unit? That her mother is inside? I mean… that her mother is the Unit?"
"Yes, she is", Yui confirmed with a smile. "I'll explain that in a moment. Tell me … did you ever feel me reaching out to you?"
Shinji's expression became ponderous and it took him a few moments to slowly nod. "There was always something… familiar, something I never felt in the simulation bodies. That… that was you?"
Yui nodded. "I tried to comfort you whenever I could. And… Shinji, this is important", her tone became serious; her warmth suddenly disappeared, replaced with a serious demeanour. "I don't know if they won't try to pull you out forcefully soon, somehow. Please keep that in mind – nobody on the outside can learn about what is going on. Do you understand me? Don't tell your commander, don't tell any of the scientists, don't tell your father – he knows, of course, but he must not know that you know", she listed, her tone insistent. "You may tell Asuka if you think she can be trusted to keep the secret since it is about her mother as well. The moment the others know that you know… they will turn against you, they will hurt or destroy us, and all hope to make it right will be lost. Please, promise me you'll keep the secret!"
Shinji was about to conclude that nothing weirder was going to happen to him when he had to admit that this conclusion would have been premature. "Um… I… I don't talk to them that much, anyway", he said, his tone uncertain. "But… Misato-san… the one that gives us orders", he clarified, "Major Misato Katsuragi, she's okay, isn't she?"
"She follows your father's orders. She must not know that you know", Yui insisted. "And telling her… telling her would bring nothing. I understand you might trust her… but do not in this case. There is too much at stake."
Shinji nodded carefully, unsure what to say. "All right", he finally said. "I'll keep the secret. But what about Asuka?"
"You can tell her", Yui confirmed. "And… I think you should try to talk to her again. I know you like her… and I think she likes you as well", she added with a smirk.
"Mom!" Shinji exclaimed with a sudden blush on his face.
"You certainly seemed to be quite taken with her", Yui commented, doing her best to feign innocence.
"Mom… please", Shinji pleaded. "How… how much did you see?" he asked with an embarrassed expression on her face.
"Enough to know that you are serious about this", she replied with a sly smile. "The mother always knows. And… I think she is quite serious, too. On that note…" she raised her head as if she heard something. "Good timing."
"Mom?"
"There is someone I would like you to meet", Yui smiled. Shinji followed his mother's gaze as it turned towards the treeline – and almost jumped up from his chair as a redheaded woman in a similar, old-fashioned dress emerged from the forest. "Welcome back", Yui smiled at the newcomer. "Soryu, this is my son, Shinji", she introduced him with a smile. "I'm sure you've seen him before… but now the circumstances have brought him to us in person. Shinji, this is Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu", she introduced the woman to him. "She is Asuka's mother… and our greatest ally."
Shinji bowed as it was customary, watching the redheaded woman carefully. 'This is Asuka's mom? But… how is she here? Wasn't she supposed to be in Unit-02?' were the questions that appeared in his head – but once more, his upbringing took precedence. "Pleased to meet you, ma'am", he said, unsure what else he could say.
"Pleased to meet you, Shinji-kun", Kyoko smiled and bowed back. "I hope you'll enjoy your stay here. Ikari", she turned to Yui, "I hope you have some explanation for how this happened… because I have none beyond that this was not supposed to happen. This kind of a breach between the pilot layer and the Unit–"
"Well", Yui interrupted as a shadow of embarrassment passed through her face. "You are not wrong. This is unusual. I have a few ideas what the reason might've been, and we can talk about this later… but not before Shinji is brought up to speed and ready to be sent on his way."
"Um…" Kyoko's face expressed mostly confusion. "How? Isn't he now in the same situation as–"
"Definitely not", Yui objected and procured a large hand mirror from somewhere. Shinji, his confusion again growing and slowly approaching overwhelming levels, decided not to ask any of the obvious questions, like where from. "Look."
The mirror's surface showed the inside of the Entry Plug, with the empty plugsuit still holding a vaguely humanoid shape. Shinji's face went pale; 'What. Is. Going. On?' rattled in his head insistently as he stared at the image with wide eyes. "I… I thought I was still there. My body, I mean. I thought this was… a dream? I'm dead after all, aren't I?" he asked, his voice suddenly shaking.
"You are not dead", Yui insisted. "This is why your suit is still there, like this. You see, the movement of LCL inside the Entry Plug is constantly enforced via a number of pumps, nozzles, and drains; it has to be in order to maintain oxygenation, ensure uniform density, remove the carbon dioxide from the pilot's surroundings, and many, many other things; gravity is just not enough, so it's an active system with an elaborate fluid behaviour model; Soryu could explain that a little better I guess, but that's the gist of it. This normally doesn't affect the pilot just as a soft breeze doesn't make you fall – but it would certainly affect an empty plugsuit. It would be floating around before finally sticking to a wall somewhere. It didn't. Your body is still keeping its shape, holding it in place… even though it has turned into LCL. You are still alive. And I believe you can return."
Shinji's brow furrowed as he recalled some of his lessons from school; he did not want to speak up, but at least this allowed him to cling to something he knew, something familiar – and this felt like a blessing in the sea of growing confusion and madness he was currently sinking in. "I don't understand. How could I turn into LCL… and not leave some… um… things behind? Other than my clothing?"
"Things?" Yui and Kyoko asked almost in unison, their eyebrows raised.
"Um…" Shinji suddenly felt his ears burning; both women's attention was focused on him and he felt like his idea of deferring to something familiar backfired spectacularly. "I mean… excrement?" he explained in a meek voice. "The digestive system isn't exactly a part of the body… I mean, it's content isn't?"
Yui and Kyoko both chuckled. "Ah. That" Yui acknowledged in an amused tone. "Frankly… we don't know the details on how this works, to this day. If we did… well. Some things would've been much easier. But I don't think this was ever an issue… Soryu, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I left anything behind during the Contact Experiment?"
"Not that I know", Kyoko confirmed; Shinji was not sure whether he heard amusement in her voice too – or he was imagining it. "The Sanitary Concerns chapter would be ten times as long as it was if this had been an issue, I believe. So, Shinji-kun, either it works differently than the biology class would suggest – which would not surprise me, since the whole area is called Metaphysical Biology – or the… excrements are still inside the suit. Either way, if I understand correctly, your mom is saying that this", she pointed to the mirror that was still displaying the content of the Plug, "means that you can still be sent back with relative ease. In comparison to us, that is."
"Or pulled back", Yui added. "I'm quite sure they'll try a few things the moment we're secured back in the Cages and patched up."
"Likely. So, what's the plan?" Kyoko asked, her eyes moving between Yui and Shinji.
"The plan, my dear Soryu, is to have some tea and cake", Yui explained with a smile before turning back to Shinji. "And after that, or even during that, to discuss a thing or two. Or everything."
Confusion was nothing new to Shinji Ikari, there was no doubt; he had to admit that the contest for the strangest and most unlikely event of his life had just gained a very strong contender. Until a few months ago, this had been "visiting the grave every year", when he got to see his father; it was a window to a different world and a break in his boring, routine life. Then, it had been coming to Tokyo-3 and becoming the pilot, an event that turned his life on its head and claimed the first place, no contest. Then, after a decidedly too short a time, came Asuka and changed his life, their relationship taking the top of The Most Improbable Events list in turn.
And now he became literally lost inside an Evangelion. And he met his mother. And Asuka's mother. 'Shouldn't meeting your girlfriend's parents happen under some… more normal circumstances? Like… a dinner invitation? Or at least tea and– right. That we have', he chuckled internally as he took a look at the table – and once more, things that were not there a moment ago appeared on the table as if it was nothing out of the ordinary. He was not sure how it happened, and he once more decided not to ask – especially since his mother and Asuka's mother seemed to be deeply engrossed in some debate on how this could have happened to him and how to reverse it from inside, using terms he was only vaguely familiar with.
He took a deep breath and decided that since few things made sense anymore, he would rather concentrate on those that did make sense – and gracefully accepted the cake when it was handed to him. Its taste has been as wonderful as he remembered from his home, that part of his childhood when he did not feel lonely.
And that was enough – for now. He lost himself in the sensation, seeking a moment of respite and entirely unaware that there was yet a pair of almost unblinking eyes close by, watching him carefully.
But even if he knew, what would that be in the light of the events of today?