How to change a nappy.

Chapter 5. Harry and Daphne attempt to use children as a childcare resource.

"So, Altair, Caph" said Daphne "You're going to help looking after your baby brothers and sisters."

"Why us?" said Caph, looking at the row of cots in the upstairs parlour.

"Because you're eight, and tall enough to help out." said Harry. "And obviously, given that there are five of them, that's a lot of nappies."

"We didn't have to do the old quints" said Caph.

"You were three." said Harry. He picked up Simon, and put him on the change table "Come here Caph. You're going to change Simon's nappy."

Caph gingerly undid the nappy and opened it.

"Oh god the SMELL!" cried Caph.

...

It had been, Harry supposed, a bit of a poor effort by the twins, for a first attempt.

He and Daphne sat leaning back in the parlour, the new babies all quiet again finally.

"Well, they are only eight" said Harry tiredly. He smiled slightly "The look on Caphs face when she opened Simons nappy."

"I'll treasure it" said Daphne "As if her poo didn't smell."

"She was a blighter for piddling when lifted" said Harry "In hindsight that was a sign."

Daphne finished making sure the babies were all fed, and left Harry to burp and sooth the… Tertiary group. Which of course Teddy, Caph and Altair had shortened to 'the terts.'

"Muum?" asked Caph.

But Daphne had fled, er. Left for Black Books already.

"What is it Caph?" asked Harry.

"Which one's the first and, well what order did they come in?" she asked.

Harry burped a child on his shoulder, mostly hitting the towel. "That's a very good question." he said.

"Well, which?" said Caph.

"They, and the quints, as a matter of family magic that you many not discuss outside the family" said Harry "well, when they came out of your mum, they were just little silvery snakes."

"Snakes?" asked Caph. "But… they're not as talkative as snakes. And they can't slither."

"Then I lift the spell, and they turn back into babies. Mummy doesn't have to lug babies around in her belly for nine months."

"Surely laying an egg would be less messing about?" asked Altair.

"The spell we have makes live, snake young." said Harry. Not saying 'And makes it a litter,' as that would get back to Daphne, and that was… not a desirable outcome.

"Is that why we can talk to snakes?" asked Caph.

"No, that's getting the cart before the horse" said Harry "The spell is an old um, family one that you need to be able to talk to snakes to read, and to cast."

"Right" said Altair. "Are we going to learn those before Hogwarts?"

"After Hogwarts. When you can be trusted to, oh, maybe not attempt to bribe the ICW" said Harry. Altair looked like he'd sucked a lemon-drop.

Harry continue, "There is a spell I'll be teaching the girls when they get older for um… girl problems."

"So.. being mental and having long hair?" asked Altair.

"It's far too complicated to explain at present. We'll have a conversation about all that with your mother present, when you're old enough to understand it."

"Dad, I'm not dumb" said Altair. "And Caph said we had to bribe them. What if they'd voted to keep you in prison?"

"That was never going to happen, son," said Harry tiredly, "Uncle Percy and the Minister and the British mugwumps had all agreed beforehand. And… your great-great-grandmother had persuaded the some of the european mugwumps that we should be set free."

"She's really mean" said Caph "And Frau Farbissiner's even meaner. Dry Pannetone. I asked Jimmy, and he said he'd never serve it dry."

"But you were being annoying" said Altair.

"Was not," said Caph, shoving her brother.

"was too."

Harry sighed, and concentrated, and lifted his free hand – levitating both children into the air. He really concentrated, and relaxed his hand, leaving Caph and Altair floating.

"Dad!" squealed Caph, her legs windmilling.

"When you're being reasonable, you can come down" said Harry, kissing Alexander's hair and jiggling him gently. He sighed very softly.

"This is child abuse" said Caph indignantly.

Harry put Alexander in his crib, and hissed to all five "$Safe in the nest$", and five little faces relaxed.

"$Did you say that to us$" asked Caph.

"$Yes$" Harry replied. "Now don't shove your brother."

"$big biter$" muttered Caph.

"Yes I'm bigger than you," said Harry, "But you have to understand that your great-great grandmother and her servants are not us. They don't tolerate silliness – you realise you're only one of dozens of great-great granchildren she's got? And by far the naughtiest."

Harry didn't mention that some of Daphne's French cousins were perhaps 'naughty' in an adult

way, if some of her party in Paris stories were to be believed.

"We're the most important and cleverest" said Caph.

Harry sighed "You're the most important to us, because you're our children. We don't know if you're the cleverest – that will be easier to determine when we look at your marks for O. when you're fifteen. Seeing as the W.E.A. who administer O. make the exams the same difficulty as the equivalent European examinations."

"But that's not for AGES" said Caph. "We're clearly the cleverest and most beautiful. Apart from mummy of course."

"That's very nice of you to say your brother's beautiful" said Harry.

"Ew. I didn't mean it like that " said Caph.

"Oh well Al" said Harry "Look – honestly just stop thinking you're the greatest. You're important to us, because you're ours. But it's quite possible that, for example, being a bit spoilt, you end up, Caph, not getting very good marks at school, and therefore being not the best great-great-grandchild, and therefore probably not our best child either."

Caph gaped "Not the best?" she said "I ...bally well am!"

-==0==-

Harry's attempts at getting useful work from eight-year olds a few days later were interrupted by a duck patronus flying in, landing in imaginary water, and paddling over to Harry, to say, in a voice Harry was practically certain was Michael Corner's "Come to Olivander's in half an hour."

"Who's that?" asked Caph. "I mean a duck, really?" she added judgementally.

The duck Patronus evaporated.

Harry eyed his two helpers, and his five babies. "Missy!" he called out, and missy the house elf appeared, in a gingham pillow case that wasn't a dress. It was just a little styled, that was all.

"Missy is here" said Missy, yawning. Harry caught a brief glimpse of a tiny mouth, full of slicing teeth.

"I have to go out. Altair and Caph are here to help with the babies. Don't let them leave till they've changed at least one nappy." said Harry.

"Missy could just do it" she yawned "Baby Altair and Baby Caph are just babies."

"I am not" said Caph, striding over and seizing one of his younger daughters, and lugging her to the change table.

Small blue eyes glared at her big sister.

Harry took the dirty towel off his shoulder and banished it. "Right, if your mother gets back before I do, I've gone to Olivanders." he said, and walked over to his bedroom to find shoes.

"Daad!" squealed Caph from behind him.

Harry turned around and found Caph looking a bit wet, and one of either Elizabeth or Margarita with a bare bum, and a dirty nappy dropped on the floor. Harry jabbed his wand at the nappy, banishing it to the laundry tub, and eyed Caph.

"Did she wee on you?" asked Harry.

Caph nodded mutely.

"They do that. Hell, you did that" said Harry tiredly, and he cast a cleaning charm, followed by a drying charm on Caph. And eyed Altair, who wasn't doing anything but watch.

"Altair, change a nappy" said Harry. "Missy, do the one they don't do."

"But she wee'ed on me" complained Caph.

"You can change after she'd got a new nappy on." said Harry. "I'll do the sticking charms. Go get one from the pile of clean ones."

While she did that, Harry went and pulled the bell-cord.

Caph had finished changing her sister's nappy when Mrs Foster came into the Parlour.

"Sir?" she asked.

"I have to go out. The children are doing their sibling's nappies, Missy's supervising, but needs a break – there's a load of laundry, and Caph will be changing her clothes." said Harry.

"She wee'ed on me" complained Caph. Mrs Foster had barely a flicker of a smile.

"Yes Karma" said Harry. Mrs Foster left, but Harry suspected she'd keep an ear out.

"Dad?" asked Altair.

Harry went over to find a baby with a nappy rash. So he got the ointment, cast delicate cleaning charms, and then rubbed it on, then soothed – he checked the cot; Barbara. She took ages to stop fussing.

"This all seems very messy. Can't they just hold it in?" asked Altair.

"Not for another year or so." said Harry.

"Are you going to be late to your appointment?" asked Caph.

Harry considered that, wiped his hands on a nearby towel, and just apparated.

Diagon alley was fairly crowded so Harry slipped into Olivanders as quickly as he could, and found two Unspeakables in hooded grey robes having some sort of discussion with Olivander. Who was holding a very very familiar looking white wand carved with berries, in a very light grip.

"Ah," he said, "My heirloom wand." He smiled, noticed one Unspeakable bristled, and the other relaxed a little. The grumpy one's feet moved into a duelling form, the other one didn't move his feet at all.

He held out his hand and Mr Olivander tilted his head "If it is your wand. It will sing in your hand."

"Wands do not sing" buzzed the Unspeakable harry suspected wasn't pleased to see him.

"They do to me" said Olivander, and he handed Harry the wand. Which felt warm, and the warmth slid up his arm into his chest, filling him with the urge to do things, to … use the Elder wand.

"Well you've been a lot of places haven't you?" asked Harry of the wand.

Olivander shook his head "That is no way to speak to wand as elderly as that one."

Harry stroked the wand with his free hand, like stroking a cat, and all the wand boxes in that general direction flipped around. Ooops.

"Now I have three hundred and four wand boxes upside down" said Olivander surprisingly precisely.

"I've made worse messes here" said Harry Potter.

"Indeed. Holly and Phoenix feather, eleven inches. It serves you well still?" asked Olivander.

"My first wand is still very good" said Harry. He wiggled the Elder wand, and the windows of Olivander's shop were suddenly clean. "Hmm" said Harry "You think clean windows and a shiny floor?"

"My floor will get messed up by the dirty shoes of countless children yet, Mr Potter" said Olivander "I do hope yours are coming to my shop?"

"In time" said Harry. "My twins are only nine."

"And how is your wife's wand?"

"Well, I find she's still charming, so I assume it's okay" said Harry. Olivander frowned at him severely. "That joke, Mr Potter was old a millennia ago."

"That makes it a classic, and I am a dad : I do have seven and a bit children – counting Teddy Lupin." said Harry Potter, with a grin.

"GIVE US THE WAND BACK!" shouted an Unspeakable.

"Give you back my own Property?" asked Harry. "No. Where are my other heirlooms? They can be a bit dangerous on their own."

"YOU! Said the Unspeakable drawing a wand on the other Unspeakable "YOU did this!"

Harry waved the Elder wand idly and the loud, angry Unspeakable was disarmed.

"Didn't expect Mike to have a Duck as a Patronus, but whatever," said Harry, "I can have my things back or come and get them. I suspect you haven't finished rebuilding from the last time I visited."

Harry held the wand in his fingertips. "Be careful with this one – it's awfully tricky."

Then Harry Potter hissed a spell onto the wand, "$hesh shaw she sha she soo sheee hessh$" and handed it back to the angry Unspeakable.

"You have three days to return my property" said Harry "Then the curse on the wand will kill you. And you cannot lift it." Harry turned to Michael "Duck-man, that you? I really hope I got the right one?"

The one he suspected was Michael didn't move – but Michael Corner did stand still a lot, and his footwork had , historically been sub-par.

So Harry went outside and apparated home, still barefoot.

As he got ready for bed, he mentioned it to Daphne.

"Got a patronus from Michael Corner" he said.

"I thought you said he could only make a shield?" asked Daphne.

"Well, he got better. It's a duck." said Harry "Got an invite to Olivanders to see a certain wand again. The Unspeakables have it, and the others, and we should get them back in a few days."

"So negotiations went well?" asked Daphne, winding her hair up.

"Not, negotiations, per se." admitted Harry. "I put an itching curse on the wand."

"HARRY!"

"It's just an itching curse." said Harry hurriedly.

"So they'll lift it. Honestly you should have got me to negotiate" said Daphne.

"Well, I don't think they can lift a parseltongue curse, but if we don't get them back in three days, we've learned something, and so have they" said Harry, smiling briefly.

"And?"

"I might have implied it was fatal" admitted Harry. And he was beaten repeated with a pillow while being berated.

"You," fwump!, "Can't!", fwump!, "Go!," fwump!, "Telling people you put a lethal curse on them."

"Well, technically it's a lie." said Harry.

Daphne put her pillow down, and glared at Harry with narrowed eyes.

"Oh ,and one of the girls wee'ed on Caph today" said Harry.

Daphne snorted. "Should we get a pensive?" she asked.

"Definitely not. They're incredibly rare, and expensive – Your sister would be dragged here by Corner all the time. The whole point was to keep her out of the house."

"The point," said Daphne, firmly, "Was to ensure my sister married someone appropriate."

"You know that sounded like you advocating arranged marriages," said Harry.

He slept on the couch. Well, for an hour anyway, then Daphne came and stole under his blanket.

"I was worried about the children" she said.

Harry kept mum. As it were.

-==0==-

Some time later…

Harry was having afternoon tea in the wake of the mess the children had left. Daphne was idly reading 'Transfiguration Today', and nothing was going wrong.

The fireplace in the corner of the kitchen went green and Michael and Astoria stepped out together.

"Quackers," said Harry "And Astoria."

"Quackers?" asked Astoria, frowning.

"His patronus is a duck." said Harry, and for some reason Astoria blushed.

"Harry?" asked Daphne "I thought you said Corner's got a noncorporal patronus?"

"And now he's got a duck" said Harry. "Astoria? What is your patronus's form?"

"A… duck" said Astoria, blushing ferociously.

"I'm not making the obvious joke" said Harry, but he sooo wanted to.

"Well I suppose a duck is like a swan, but smaller and less dignified." said Daphne.

"We're both taller than you" said Astoria.

"Quack quack" said Daphne.

"Can you send Luna a patronus message?" asked Harry "She'll send one back with the exact kind of duck. You know… for research." He smirked.

Michael Corner sighed, and cast a patronus. The duck stood quite tall and while its silvery colour made it hard to tell, it was clearly not a mallard. Michael whispered to his duck, which turned, paddled across empty air, flapped twice and took off, flying away.

Astoria sat down and started serving herself. Michael sat down next to her – she made tea and handed it to him. Knows how he takes his tea, thought Harry.

Luna's hare bounded into the room as Harry eyed his empty teacup some time later.

"A Whistling duck. They're one of the few monogamous duck breeds" said Luna's voice. "Harry, you really need to get a book of boring animals. We're not a catalogue for you to use. Hermione can find you a book on boring animals."

"Boring" said Harry, with a faint smirk.

"Well at least they're monogamous." said Daphne "That bodes well."

Michael Corner, for some reason sighed.