Movie night was always a favorite for the Hedgies.
With the exception of horror movies (which they avoided due to worries about Hammy and the kids), they always had a love for any type of film they could get their hands on. Sure, there were a few movies that stunk, in fact, the most recent movie they watched was Dance-Off 3, which RJ lovingly referred as a soulless cash-grab. For the most part however, they tended to luck out when it came to their movie selections. From actions movies like Tower Plaza, to space operas like Galaxy Journey, to even some indie flicks that Lou and Penny got particular interest in, the gang were swimming in quality content.
Unfortunately, that's not how the rest of the world saw it, especially those who apparently whose job is to give out awards for movies.
Tonight was the night of the Fry Awards, and the Hedgies were all gathered around in anticipation to see which movie would win best animated feature. While usually they were pretty laid back on a lot of the other categories, even to the extent that they could see why a movie they personally didn't think was that great won, the best animated feature award was the one they took great interest in. They weren't entirely sure why, but something about that category elicited a massive amount of mixed emotions.
Maybe it was because of some…snub that happened?
There were three nominees that night. One of them was Skaterboys, a comedy film about a young skateboarder learning to humble themselves that, from the trailers alone, didn't impress the animals due to it coming off as annoying. Even the kids and Hammy found it annoying, and if they found it annoying, then there was an issue.
Then there was Night In The Mansion, a horror movie that they didn't even have the chance to watch because again, Hammy and kids. At the very least they heard good things about it though, even if it was considered to be just okay.
And finally, there was Dance-Off 3, which was obviously the third movie in the Dance-Off series. Starting as a relatively respectable franchise with good emotional beats and funny moments, it started to sink into an unfunny, uninteresting, borderline obnoxious series that relied on modern pop music and their annoying mascots.
There was a reason why they haven't gone to the retail store in a while, because Stella would have the urge to burn every single one of those plushies on display.
Regardless, despite the nomination selection being pretty mediocre (they all thought that one movie with the talking animals should've been nominated at least, although that might've been bias), they all sat down to watch it. Pretty much everyone was banking on Night In The Mansion winning, solely because it seemed like the better option.
"And the Fry goes to…Dance-Off 3!"
The uproar was immediate, especially from a raccoon, who shot from his sitting position the moment the announcement was made.
"Oh come on, that won?! It wasn't even good!" RJ exclaimed, throwing his paws up into the air. He had effectively led the hate train on the franchise ever since being disappointed with the second installment, which had effectively spread to the rest of the Hedgies.
"I know right?" Heather followed up. "The first one was okay, the second one was mediocre, but that one won?!"
"I'm willing to bet that it only won because the presenter's son was the main role." Tiger spoke. "Nepotism at its finest."
"Yeah, and he just screeched every single song they could get their hands on into the mic." RJ said. "How do you stumble over Let It Be, keep that take in, and put it during a scene where they're in a car chase?!"
"It makes no sense!" Hammy squealed out. Again, even Hammy knew that shouldn't have won. Then again, not everyone was that fussed about this decision…or at the very least were trying to point out the logic of it winning.
Enter Verne.
"Didn't that movie with the talking animals do that?" The turtle spoke up.
"First of all, no they did not, second, at least their soundtrack was made for the movie, these guys just put pop songs in there along with the occasional classic they butcher and called it a day." RJ replied, before huffing and sitting down. "Lazy, just so lazy, I hate Elias Stone."
"He was good in that other movie, the one with the dragon." Verne spoke.
"He wasn't even the most interesting character in that movie, why make him the protagonist at all!" RJ replied, before letting out a sigh. He didn't even want to watch the rest of the ceremony, and judging by everyone else's reactions, neither did they.
Once more the awards had chosen the wrong film to receive a Fry, and while usually they would just hope for next year to be better, RJ didn't think that this time. For years (or twice in a row, they only started watching last year), the Fry awards have been robbing cinematic classics and giving awards to movies that were barely better than the average bargain bin garbage.
Something needed to change…and RJ had an idea.
"You know what gang; I think we can make a better movie than that!" RJ spoke. "Let's make our own!"
Immediately, everyone's moods lightened up, Heather's in particular. Ever since getting that camera from the Taxidermist's house after his arrest, the gang had wanted to try out recording something. They just…had nothing really to record.
"I really want to make a horror movie!" Heather spoke. Questionable, as RJ knew Heather was a whiz when it came to creativity, so she could make something legitimately scary. She'd have to just live with the fact that Hammy and the kids couldn't see it.
"I would be honored to make a space opera!" Ozzie exclaimed. Tiger also had a noticeably positive reaction towards this, and while RJ would usually be surprised at Tiger showing emotion other than annoyance, this was an exception. Tiger and Ozzie did actually enjoy watching the Galaxy Journey saga quite a bit, even making up theories on the characters.
"I was thinkin' one of those road trip movies." Lou spoke. Pretty on brand, nothing too taxing. Actually might be the easiest to shoot out of all the movies, although it would probably be the most boring.
"I just want a cookie!" Hammy shouted. Okay, that was just Hammy being Hammy. Regardless, at least the Hedgies were interested, even if they wanted to do different things. Easy solution though.
"Alright, everyone will be able to make their own movie!" RJ exclaimed, much to the delight of everyone. "Everyone will get a day with the camera, but on one condition."
Immediately, everyone stopped cheering. Hopefully this was like a good condition, like the one with the best film would get a can of Spuddies. Bit quick to have another Spuddies-related episode so soon, but hey, anything could happen.
"I get the first turn with the camera, and we're making an action movie."
Already things were off to a bit of a rocky start when the first thing RJ did was bring them to a garage. Thankfully, the owners weren't home, and RJ was not dumb enough to bring them to the home with Nugent. Yes, he was filled in by Tiger on what happened on his end during Heather's birthday, and RJ did point out that yes, Tiger did unlock it, so he unfortunately couldn't argue against that.
"Alright gang, so we're going to shoot a little scene I have in my head…" RJ spoke. "It's called the Racoon Shoot-Out."
"Creative Title." Verne snidely replied.
"Thank you, I came up with it myself." RJ replied, resulting in Verne rolling his eyes.
"Alright, I got a script for everyone here." RJ spoke, handing out some scripts to everyone, save for one.
"Uh, RJ, what about me?" Heather asked. Surely RJ would trust her enough to be in this action movie. She's seen the movies he likes, and usually they would involve at least one female lead. Then again, that female lead would be the love interest, and considering she just got over RJ (in her mind at least), it would be awkward.
"Heather, I need you to hold the camera." RJ replied. "You're a whiz with this sort of thing."
Again, she got over it, or at least she thinks she has. Regardless, the compliment was enough for her to be convinced, and she took the camera without even looking at it. Surely that wouldn't bite her later.
"Now, for props!" RJ said, before pulling out a handgun and tossing it to Tiger, who, like everyone else, pretty understandably freaked out.
"RJ, where did you get these?!" Verne exclaimed, and pretty much asking what everyone was thinking. Yes, even the readers.
"Relax Verne, they aren't real guns." RJ spoke. A collective sigh of relief washed over the rest of the Hedgies. They didn't need to be in the presence of guns right now, especially with Stella right there. In fact, she almost seemed a bit bummed that the guns weren't real.
RJ made a mental note to have Penny try to talk Stella about guns.
"Look, I'll even prove it." RJ spoke, before aiming the handgun up a bit and pulling the trigger.
BANG.
Well, looks like it was a real gun. The loud bang caused Ozzie to play dead which, let's be honest, RJ really couldn't blame him for. Everyone else was back to being scared, even Stella, and she loved guns.
Okay, scratch that Penny talk, Stella probably got the idea.
"That was probably one left in the chamber." RJ spoke, still with a cocky grin plastered on his face. How he was seemingly smiling off firing a gun so close to him was anyone's guess, and much to the horror of everyone, he was about to pull the trigger again.
"RJ, wait!" Verne called out, prompting RJ to stop before he could pull it again. "RJ, can we please make sure that every gun is safe to use?"
RJ's grin faded, and he looked at the handgun that was his size. The recoil nearly knocked him over, and well, maybe Heather could do some editing. Maybe the laptop had some cheap editing that would allow it? Plus, he wasn't about to put his family at risk for a movie.
"Okay, who here wants to get rid of every bullet in these guns?"
Before he could even ask, the gun next to him, along with the one he handed to Tiger, disappeared. Now usually, this would be a cause for alarm, since, you know, a missing handgun could be in anyone's possession at this point. The fact that Hammy and Stella were missing didn't help matters.
Gunshots soon followed, and the expression on Verne's face pretty much told the whole story. Stella and Hammy were removing the ammo their way. In that, they were just going to shoot all the bullets at random. It was a dangerous combination, especially with Stella.
Okay, Penny talk was back on, if you couldn't tell.
"Hey! There's that girl scout!" Stella exclaimed, and that prompted Verne to run out of the garage as fast as he could to prevent Stella from possibly committing murder. As for why she hated girl scouts now was anyone's guess, although realistically she probably just wanted to rob her for the Thin Mints.
"Well, I got water guns just in case…let's get filming!"
Luckily for RJ, he already had the main prop needed for the scene, that being an elevated platform. The homeowner's car would do the trick perfectly, RJ thought, and had Tiger hop up there and help him up. It was time to start filming, and with just a point, Heather started the camera.
Tiger stood over him, pistol at the ready. RJ thought he had all angles covered, save for the one he forgot about. The one above.
"Next time…don't hesitate." Tiger spoke, leaning his machine gun over the edge. RJ had to admit, acting was impressive so far. That wasn't what he was focused on, as unbeknownst to Tiger, RJ was aiming directly above him. Before Tiger could react, RJ fired the water pistol, causing Tiger to fall beside him.
"Thanks for the advice, pussy-cat." RJ spoke. Classic one-liner, he thought.
"Can we say that?" Ozzie asked. RJ had to hold back a groan as Ozzie broke the script. Has he not heard of sticking to the script and not questioning anything? He'd usually have a problem with Stella being given a gun considering the writer of this fanfic decided gun equals funny, he didn't question it in the end.
…weird tangent he went on.
"Don't worry, we can cut that out." Heather replied.
RJ would have to make sure if she meant cutting out his line or Ozzie asking, because he would very much prefer the latter. It's T rated for a reason. Regardless, he had a scene to act out, and he rolled over to see Ozzie heading to the RC car.
"Oh, man, please, no…" RJ mumbled, prompting Ozzie to stop. Again, that was a part of the script, and once more, Ozzie didn't follow it. Wasn't Ozzie a big fan of acting or something? Maybe he was having an off-day?
"Ozzie, what're you doing?" RJ asked.
"I'm listening to you; you didn't want me to go to the car." Ozzie replied. RJ again, had to do his best to avoid face-palming at how easily Ozzie could get confused. The camera was still rolling of course.
"You're not supposed to, you're supposed to just ignore what I say." RJ replied.
"You do realize that's difficult when we're this high up." Tiger suddenly spoke up.
"You're supposed to be dead." RJ spoke. Upon saying that, Tiger just rolled his eyes and played dead once more. Honestly, maybe he got the roles wrong.
"Keep rolling, we'll cut that out too." Heather spoke.
On cue, Ozzie got right back into his acting schtick, and RJ had to admit, when he was committed to the bit, he really shines. Ozzie hopped into the RC car and started to talk into a fake radio of sorts. Nice, nice, love the improv, RJ thought.
"One Adam Ten to 6421. We had a wild goose chase on that 436." Ozzie spoke into the pantomime radio. "Everything's okay here. Over."
Perfect, perfect, perfect. Ozzie was back on track, and the best part was that the scene was nearly over. Come to think of it, he was kind of surprised that Ozzie wasn't doing his overacting bit where he talked like he was some famous fictional space pilot.
Wait, maybe that's why he liked Galaxy Journey so much.
"Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the...the uh, dum, de dum's…delightful?" Ozzie's acting suddenly took a turn, as if he had no idea what he was saying.
"Wait RJ, this isn't a Christmas movie, right? At this time of year?" Ozzie asked. This of course prompted RJ to finally break and facepalm in complete annoyance. Plus, the fact that Ozzie just said that was, unknowingly, a bit of a berserk button of his.
"Tower Plaza isn't a Christmas movie." RJ replied. He loved the Tower Plaza movies, all of them. From the action, to the main character, to just how cool it was. To see it someone compare it to one of those sappy Christmas movies was just inexcusable.
"Then why am I singing a Christmas song?" Ozzie asked.
"I don't know, that's what the script said!" RJ exclaimed. That prompted Tiger to drop playing dead and ask one question.
"Wait, so you didn't write the script?"
RJ's only response was to toss Tiger on top of Ozzie.
"Welcome to the Party, cat."
Hooray, we're finally back with the funny, and my god there's so much meta here it hurts.
Yes, a lot of this is based on some reality. The movies nominated were based off the nominees for Best Animated Feature for the 2007 Oscars (which Over the Hedge should've won), Tower Plaza is based off Die Hard, Galaxy Journal is based off Star Trek, and soon there will be more to come.
Also, I do kind of want to tune down the fourth wall breaks, since I don't want them to get stale.
Oh yeah, and Stella has a gun now. Fun.
Okay, bye!