Chapter 15 - Dawning

After returning to Valhalla, Tamsin and Bo went through a long, tedious process of post-mission reporting. Then, they were put on a mandatory program specifically designed for newly bonded Valkyries and Einherjar.

The first step of the program took them to Alex and Rowan, where they had their vitals checked and their blood drawn.

Then, they were given a long questionnaire that was designed to measure their psychological state, which they finished begrudgingly.

Bo went through extra tests, because she was getting close to having her dawning.

Alex reviewed Bo's results, before she told her, "the level of Novopiraxin in your system has gone down significantly, which is good. With a low Novopiraxin level, the Proxatyl in your body can finally bind with the AXT7 receptors. You are very close to your dawning, Bo."

"I somehow sensed that there is a but," Bo grunted.

"But, your Proxatyl level is unusually high."

"Is that a bad thing?" Bo frowned. "I mean, Proxatyl is the Einheri pheromone, right? Shouldn't higher mean better?"

"Yes and no. Higher level of Proxatyl usually means more Einheri power, but…you have not had your dawning yet. Having this high level of Proxatyl at this stage almost always points to a volatile dawning."

"What kind of volatility are we talking about? Like me turning into a Godzilla volatility?"

Alex was amused. She took a sip from her cat mug, before she answered, "you will certainly not turn into a Godzilla. The problem here is with your brain, just like every single problem an Einheri might ever encounter."

"What about my brain?"

"Your brain would go through dramatic chemistry changes during dawning, where it eventually would be able to form that solid link between our dimension and the spiritual dimension. The higher level of Proxatyl you have, the more dramatic the changes would be."

"Okay, I think we get it now. High is bad. What's your point exactly?" Tamsin asked impatiently.

"Her point is that…" Rowan chimed in, "with this Proxatyle level, she might be at high risk of going into a dawning zone-out."

Bo furrowed her eyebrows. "What is that? Like…zone out zone out?"

"Yes and no. It's a bit different from zoning out due to untamed bonding heat, but the symptoms and the prognosis are very similar."

"So…after all the shit we've done, she's still at risk of zoning out? I can not believe this!" Tamsin exclaimed in anger.

"What…what do I need to do?"

"You'll need to come to us daily so we can closely monitor you," Rowan told her. "Keeping yourself away from stressful situations would also be a great idea."

"Mhm," Alex nodded firmly. "Stress would cause your Einheri brain to have Proxatyle spikes. That's the last thing you'd want, Bo."

"And, most importantly, keep your bonding heat tamed."

Bo cleared her throat uncomfortably as she glanced at Tamsin. The blonde seemed to be absorbed by her train of thoughts, with her lips clenched tightly.

"Don't worry, Bo. You are in good hands. Dawning zone-out is very, very rare. Keep up with a healthy lifestyle and make sure you show up promptly to your daily appointments, okay?"

Bo nodded with a sigh and a heavy heart.

With a chestful of uncertainty, Bo went to her next appointment - a counseling session with Dr. Finola.

The session began with her describing to Dr. Finola all those old memories that had come back to her. Though, she did not tell the doctor about Dr. Smith's message.

After that, she sat there absentmindedly, until the doctor asked her, "Bo, how do you feel, now that you are bonded with Tamsin?"

Bo swallowed nervously. "Fine, I guess," she muttered, clasping her fingers together, "I feel pretty…fine."

Dr. Finola smiled. "Bo, despite what you might have heard, read or believed, bonding is not a one time thing. It's like a marathon, and you'll need plenty of time to process. Both of you."

Bo let out an awkward smile. "What's there to process? I mean…we are bonded, and that's that."

She turned away and sighed. "Believe me. I know it's not a one time thing. Once bonded, it's for life, right?"

Dr. Dinola observed her intently. "Is something bothering you?"

"Well, you just said that we'd need time to process. I'm…processing."

"No, you have something on your mind, and you find it irritating. What is it?"

Bo let out a deep sigh. She turned away from the doctor and instead stared at a small decor globe on her desk.

Eventually, she gave in, knowing that the doctor would definitely want an answer. Rubbing her sweaty palms on her thighs, she said, "well…it's just that…we didn't bond because we-it wasn't how bonding was supposed to be…."

"Bad experience? That's actually more common than you'd think."

"No, it was great!" Bo blurted. Her cheeks flushed and burnt for she had recalled all those hot, steamy moments between her and Tamsin.

She cleared her throat a few times and fisted her hands. "I mean, it was fine. My…my point is that…we didn't bond because we wanted to."

"You didn't want to do it?"

"I did, no I mean…I didn't…" Bo threw her hands out in great embarrassment. "What I was trying to say is…she did it only because she had to. My bonding heat was like crazy and the shots weren't working. I was zoning out and…bonding was the only way to save me."

Dr. Finola leaned forward a little, intrigued. "So, you think Tamsin bonded with you because that was the last resort?"

"Ya!" Bo exclaimed. "I mean, why else would she have done that?"

She impatiently combed her hair with her fingers and let out a frustrated huff. "I don't think we would have done that, had there been another way. I mean, if the shots had worked, none of this would have happened."

Dr. Finola nodded. "Let me ask you a different question, Bo."

"Mhm."

"Let's say, at that time, the only way to save you was bonding."

"Well, that was the only way."

"Right, so at that time, bonding was the only way to save you. However, hypothetically, Tamsin wasn't the only Valkyrie available. Would you have accepted another Valkyrie's help?"

"What? Like who?"

"Any Valkyrie, someone you may or may not know."

Bo gaped at her. "Well…obviously, it would be really weird to…to do that with someone I don't know, right?"

"Weird or not, would you have accepted their help?"

"I guess…probably? I mean…I was barely responsive, and…so if someone, anyone had offered help, I would have…definitely, maybe…said yes, like…seriously, yeah ..."

No one, not even herself, was convinced. Even the therapy dog covered her face in shame.

"Okay, I think it's safe for me to say that…bonding with Tamsin was fine. Yes, I understand that it wasn't ideal, but it wasn't completely against your wish either. What exactly is bothering you, Bo?"

Bo went quiet for a long time, before she murmured, "I just…I just feel that…it's wrong, you know. This is all wrong. She's now bonded with me for eternity because of…an incident that-well, I don't think…I don't think she wanted this."

"Did she tell you that?"

"No, but I can tell. I mean, it's not like she was my biggest fan or something."

"So, to you, Tamsin made a big sacrifice for you to save your life. It wasn't at all what she had wanted."

"Yeah…" Bo shrugged.

"Okay, then I'm going to ask you another question. Let's say, hypothetically, there is a way to break the bond between the two of you without causing any catastrophe."

"Well…there's no such method."

"Hypothetically, if such a method existed, would you take it?"

Bo gaped at the doctor. "I…sure…" she muttered. "I mean, why wouldn't I?"

"So you are completely okay if the bond between you and Tamsin is severed."

"Without dire consequences, yeah…."

"Then, are you completely okay with both you and Tamsin bonding with someone else afterwards?"

Bo's eyes opened wider. She pondered Dr. Finola's question. At first, she thought she'd be completely fine with that, her bonding with someone else while Tamsin had her own bond. But, as she thought of how Tamsin would actually bond with someone, how the Valkyrie would hold her and caress her, how she'd give her heart to that person, Bo's heart clenched in pain.

She took a deep breath and huffed out a light laugh. "That's…a big if, don't you think? I mean, we are bonded now, and there's no way to break that. We just have to…deal with it, right?"

"Right, and that brings us to our next question. What is your plan to deal with it?"

"Wait…I need a plan to…deal with this? I mean…I thought we'd just go on with our lives and-my plan is to just figure out who put that device in me and I want to get more memories back-"

"No, Bo," Dr. Finola interrupted her. "I want to know how you are going to deal with the bond specifically."

"What...what's there to deal with?"

"You do understand that as a bonded pair, the two of you will be responsible for each other's pheromone imbalance and surges, right?"

"Yeah, right," Bo nodded. Her stomach clenched nervously at the thought of her and Tamsin would have to have more sex.

"Which means whenever you have needs, Tamsin would have to be there for you, and vice versa."

"Right."

"Have the two of you talked about this?"

"What's there to talk about? We'll just…do it whenever the other person needs it."

Dr. Finola sighed. "Unfortunately, whenever the other person needs it is not good enough. This isn't…a simple friend with benefits arrangement, Bo. The consequence of not being able to be there when the other person needs it is dire."

"I know that. I guess we'll just make sure that we are always available to the other person. I mean, we both have phones and…hell we practically live together, so that shouldn't be too hard, right?"

"What happens when either of you, or both of you, get involved in a romantic relationship with someone else?"

Bo frowned hard. "What do you mean?"

"Bo, the bond between you and Tamsin will last for a lifetime. Have you not considered how it might affect your future relationships?"

Bo sat there in total silence for a while, before she stuttered, "I'm not dating, and neither is she. I don't think I'll be dating any time soon."

"But, you probably will, eventually."

Seeing that Bo went dead silent again, Dr. Finola sighed and said, "like I said, Bo, there is a lot to process. There are many things that you need to discuss with Tamsin. Bonding is like…marriage, something the two of you would need to work at. The key to this is open communication. You two will have to talk about this."

After a short pause, she added, "I'm always here for you and Tamsin, Bo. I'll do whatever I can to help, but I can't have this conversation for you."

"I…I'm sure we can work something out!" Bo replied. Then, she practically fled.

Tamsin entered Dr. Finola's room for her mandatory counseling session. As she sat down on the couch, she crossed her arms in front of her chest and spreaded her legs.

"I don't need counseling, doc. I'm fine," she announced. "And please, do not ask me how I feel."

"I understand that the situation where you and Bo bonded wasn't ideal. Did you regret your decision?"

"Would any of this go away if I say yes?"

"Tamsin, it's a simple question. Do you or do you not regret your decision?"

"No, I don't, because that was the only way. It was either this or having her zone out."

"Okay, what if she had zoned out?"

Tamsin frowned hard. "Then she'd be one of those hospital bed confined vegetables you see in building 235, floor B1! Why the hell did you even ask that question?!"

"Would you do this to any random Einheri who's on the verge of zoning out?"

Tamsin huffed out a scoff. "Like any other Einheri would be that stupid..."

Dr. Finola shook her head slightly. "Can I take it as you at least care about her?"

"Take it however as you may. Next question!"

"What is your plan?"

"What plan?"

"You should know how unpredictable an Einheri's pheromone surges can be, especially for someone like Bo who is approaching her dawning."

"Right, I need to fuck her whenever she needs it. There, that's my plan. I think that's a great plan!"

She let out a deep, frustrated sigh, before she grunted, "it's just sex anyway."

"You think this is just sex?"

Tamsin grimaced. "If I hear the word feelings from you, I'm gonna walk outta here right now."

"Tamsin, you and I both know that the bond is not just sex. It never is and it will never be. Your pheromones get absorbed by the other person's brain, and literally change the other person's brain chemistry forever."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. The eternal bond, the two becoming one. I've listened to this shit a million times during my newbie training. Physical, psychological, emotional, whatever…we are just not…we are not like that. We are not one of those smooching couples you see on campus."

"Is that a fact, or a prediction that you've made?"

"Splitting hairs again, doc," Tamsin snorted. "We are not like that, and we won't be like that."

"Because you don't want to, because she doesn't want to, or because you think the two of you will never have feelings for each other?"

"Whatever, do I look like I care? Why would any of this matter right now?"

"What do you think matters right now, then?"

Tamsin rolled her eyes. "Fólkvangr of course! I mean, what are they up to really? Also who put that device in Bo's head and what do they want from her? I also have a ton of paperwork I need to work on and then there are trainings and-"

Dr. Finola stopped her by raising her hand. "Tamsin, I understand how difficult it might be for you to actually have that conversation with her, but procrastination is not the answer. You need to talk to her about this. The sooner the better.

Tamsin groaned. "Fiiiine…" she drawled. "I'll talk to her. Do you need to be there when I talk to her, hmm? Do you need to record our entire conversation and analyze it so you could point out some long forgotten childhood trauma we've been through?"

Frustrated, she rubbed her face with her hands and said, "I'm leaving."

After both Bo and Tamsin had returned to their apartment, they reluctantly agreed that they should have "the talk".

"So..." Bo started, squeezing the water bottle in her hand. "Ummm...how do we want to do this, now that we've...you know, bonded."

Tamsin rolled her eyes. She had just about a million snarky comments in her chest, but somehow she couldn't get any of them out when being stared at by those nervous brown eyes.

"We'll just deal with it, Bo. Whenever you need it, I'll be there."

Bo nodded and took a sip from the bottle. "So...how often should I...like, I mean, how often does an Einheri usually...need it?"

"I think that varies," Tamsin answered. "For those who...have just started to have bonding heat, especially who's close to their dawning, it's quite unpredictable and that phase could last a few months to a few years."

"Right, dawning," Bo murmured. She had almost forgotten about that, and now she felt more doomed.

"What would my dawning be like?"

"Pheromone surge, a lot of them. Some hurt like hell, like your head is gonna explode. It'll permanently alter your brain and then you'll never unsee things from the spiritual realm."

She paused briefly, before she added, "you'll finally be able to summon your Fylgja."

Bo nodded. "But after that…my bonding heat cycle will be more regular?"

"Yeah, it's like…period. You'll be able to track it, more or less."

"What happens if we…if we don't do it when I have bonding heat?"

"The same. You risk zoning out."

"Then we'll just have to do it whenever it happens?"

"Yep."

"What...what happens if…if, you know, I need it but I can't find you?"

"I'll make myself available to you at all times until your pattern settles."

Bo's heart skipped a beat at that promise. "At all times?"

Tamsin huffed out a frustrated sigh. "Well, do I look like I have another choice?"

She sighed again and added, "look, it's not gonna be that hard. We'll make sure we are assigned to the same missions and…since we already live together so it's actually easy."

"Right, best time to be roommates," Bo nodded. "What happens when you are with someone else or something?"

Tamsin frowned hard. "Like out on a mission or something? I'll talk to Acacia and make sure I don't go out on a mission without you, at least before your dawning."

"No, I mean like...outside the mission."

"You mean with my drinking buddies? I'll have to make sure that I don't venture too far from campus, and neither should you. When you…you know, you just give me a call and I'll be there."

"No, I mean...like…what if you are with your girlfriend or boyfriend, you know."

"I don't have any!" Tamsin drawled.

"WHAT IF!" Bo bit out.

"Then we'll figure something out! Why are we even discussing things that don't even exist yet?!"

"Because they eventually are going to exist? What are you never going to date anyone ever?"

Tamsin groaned. "No one knows when that's going to happen, okay?!"

"That's why we are planning!" Bo argued. "Yeah, I know, you are not with anyone, and neither am I, but shouldn't we be prepared?"

"I really don't see there's much to be prepared for right now. It's just sex, Bo! It's not rocket science, okay?!"

After that, there came a long, awkward silence, until Bo nodded and agreed. "You are right. It's just sex. It's…not that hard."

The two of them finally ran out of things to say. They sat there, distracted, annoyed and frustrated, as they wondered what had gone wrong.

"I thought I didn't need to see you until tomorrow morning," Bo said to Alex, a little confused, as she was summoned to the medical center by Alex and Rowan.

"Yes, your appointment is not until tomorrow morning but I was reviewing your charts and I realized that you haven't had your Einheri power level measured."

"Yeah, that…someone tried when I first got here, but the machine wasn't working," Bo explained.

"Mhm…which was probably caused by your unusual pheromone levels at that time. I think we should benchmark your Einheri power level right now, so we can have a baseline for your pre-dawning status…."

Alex mumbled as she flipped through Bo's medical records. Then, she raised her head and gave Bo a smile. "Besides, we have a newer ECAM machine now."

Bo nodded and sat down in the chair. A few minutes later, Rowan showed up with a handheld device that was about the size of a small tablet.

She opened the back cover and pulled some cords out, before she attached each cord to Bo's skin. She placed some along her hair line, and others to the back of her head.

She popped the other end of the device open and pulled out another cord. Plugging it into the wall outlet, she turned the device on, and started to adjust the parameters on screen.

"You know, it's actually a good thing that the two of you are bonded now. Positive influence to her pheromone levels."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Tamsin, who came with Bo, rolled her eyes and turned away.

Somehow, that attitude rubbed Bo the wrong way. She wasn't sure if she was feeling angry, or upset, or disappointed, just as she wasn't sure how she should have felt since they had returned to Valhalla. Tamsin had been distant, and she apparently had more snarky comments than ever.

Bo did not like it at all. As she let out a huff, something inside her chest started to burn. It was about to burst out.

"Your heart rate is fast," Rowan frowned as she closely monitored Bo's vitals. She adjusted the positions of some of the electrodes, but that didn't help at all.

"Her blood pressure is way too high," Alex commented. As she swiped the screen to view the diagram that measured Bo's brain activities, she let out a heavy gasp.

Rowan took a glance, and her frown got deeper. "How is this even possible?" She muttered. "Her brain waves are all…out of sync. It's like…like she's…."

She was interrupted by the sudden flicker of the lights in the room.

"What's happening? Is there something wrong with me?" Bo asked, beyond nervous. That bursting sensation inside her chest pounded, suffocating her.

"Your brain is overstimulated by…something," Alex said in haste as she ran to make a call.

As she was dialing, the lights in the room flickered again. The brightness of the lights spiked before one of them busted.

Rowan yanked the cords off Bo, but she was too late. The lights gave out one last bright flash, before they all went out.

The entire building blacked out.

"What the hell was that?!" Tamsin exclaimed as pulled her phone out and used it as a flashlight.

Entering her vision were Alex and Rowan's pale, panicking faces.

"Umm…I think she might have caused a big power surge that-" Rowan explained. She had to toss away the ECAM machine that she was holding, because a heavy, burnt smell came out of it.

"I have never seen anything like this before," Alex murmured. "Her brain wave was…it was like…."

"Like what?!" Tamsin asked loudly.

"It was like she had another consciousness and it just woke up."

"What? That doesn't make any sense!" Tamsin snorted. Letting out a loud huff in darkness, she asked,"do I need to call maintenance? Do I need to find the fuse box or something?"

"Hold on, let me-"

Rowan stopped abruptly when she noticed that Bo was unusually quiet.

"Oh no!" She exclaimed as she grabbed a flashlight from the desk drawer nearby. She lifted Bo's eyelids and checked her pupils. They were expanding and shrinking rapidly on their own.

"What the fuck is wrong with her?!" Tamsin yelled in panic.

"I think…she might just have had her dawning and she's...she's…." Rowan swallowed hard, before she announced, "she's zoned out I'm afraid."

"She needs to be put in a medically induced coma right now!" Alex suggested.

"Then what? Turn her into one of those hospital bed confined vegetables?!"

"Tamsin, this is the only way! If we don't do it now, her entire body will shut down and then she'll be completely gone!"

"No, this is not the only way and you know that!" Tamsin argued. "We are bonded. I can guide her out!"

Alex and Rowan gaped at Tamsin. Then, they turned to each other and exchanged a look.

"No…" both of them replied at the same time. "No, Tamsin. That's too dangerous."

"So?"

"Tamsin, you are talking about entering her spiritual dimension in which she was trapped. You know exactly how dangerous it can be."

"I can't just sit here and do nothing!"

"Tamsin," Rowan grabbed her arm. "The two of you have just bonded. You haven't even tried entering her mind when she was conscious and in full control. Hell, you haven't even gone through the training of how to safely enter the other person's mind yet. You can not do this!"

"Yes, I can, and I will! I can't lose her like this!"

"Tamsin, no one knows what state her mind is in right now. It could be total chaos! What if you can't find her in there? What if something happens to you while you are inside? What if her mind tries to attack you the moment you go in? You can be trapped inside too!"

"Don't you think I know that?! Don't you think I know how dangerous it can get?" Tamsin tossed her hands into the air in great frustration.

"Tamsin, let us put her in a coma first, and then we'll-"

"No!"

"Tamsin, once you enter her mind, you'll be on your own. If your consciousness gets trapped or killed in there, no one is able to save you."

"Yes, I know," Tamsin nodded.

Taking a deep breath, she leaned in and cupped Bo's face. She pressed her forehead on Bo's and closed her eyes.

Before Alex or Rowan could stop her, she established the spiritual link and entered Bo's mind.