Whatever I expected to find when I steeled my nerves and pushed forward, it wasn't this.

Laying atop a pile of leaves blocking my path was what appeared to be a large, pale white sheet, with a pair of hollow black oval shapes near the far end, like some incredibly low budget ghost costume. I'd think it someone's cast off dirty laundry, but the shape indicated that there was someone inside it. Well, that and the noises emanating from it.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ," it said. Yes, said. That wasn't me spelling out an onomatopoeia of it snoring, it actually said the letter Z over and over again. "ZZZZZZZZZZ (are they gone yet)," It continued. Was it… was it trying to pretend to be asleep? Really, really badly? It was like someone had read about the concept of snoring purely from a literary medium, and had never actually heard it himself.

"…Come to think of it, why are snores represented by Zs?" I pondered. "They don't sound like the Z sound, not at all. Why did that become common? It seems like another one of those cases like with the 'heart' shape, where the common symbol of something bears essentially no resemblance to the thing itself."

Regardless, it clearly wanted nothing to do with me. And it was in luck, as the feeling was mutual. I squeezed myself against the wall, and scooted past it sideways. "Excuse me, pardon me, coming through," I muttered as I went past. The creature continued to lie there as I did. If only all the creatures I encountered were so accommodating. Alas.

"Have a nice… sleep, I guess," I said, as I continued forward past the strange room with the strange person doing strange things for probably strange reasons.

Speaking of strange… I shortly came to face a room with a pair of peculiar webs, with a sign placed in front of them. The webs were larger than your average spiderwebs, and much thicker, with pale white silk. The spiders that created these webs must be quite large, although not freakishly so. As far as insectivores go, I prefer assassin flies, those things are cool as hell, but spiders are neat too.

"Spider Bake Sale" read the sign, "All proceeds go to real spiders." Underneath It, prices were listed in gold coins for a "spider donut" and "spider cider", which it claimed was "Made with whole spiders, not just the juice", and instructed me to leave the money in the webs for the spiders to take. Evidently, when they called it a "spider bake sale", they had meant it in both senses of the term. How delightful. But alas, I was just about flat broke.

I turned back, and peaked cautiously around the corner to the other passageway. Sure enough, yet more creatures were there. Frog-things, 3 of them. This place was downright infested with these arsewipes. It seemed like I'd be doing Toriel a favor by doing a bit of pest control. If nothing else, clearing the way for anyone else that might wind up here would be a public service and a half. I shuddered to think what might happen to any children who had the misfortune of falling down.

The creatures weren't looking this way at the moment, so I seized the opportunity. I lunged into the passageway, circling around to their backs to hide my movements, and struck the first of the frog-things from behind. It fell immediately, and before the other two could react I had already barreled into the second, knocking it into the third and stunning both. Two quick slices, and it was already over. I gave a triumphant grin; three creatures dead in but a moment, with nary a scratch on me. Not bad, if I do say so myself. And I do. So there we have it.

I rooted around in the piles of dust they left behind; sure enough, I found more of those gold coins from earlier, two of them from each. Pest control: fun and profitable, apparently. Where were they holding these, anyway? Did they swallow them? But that gelatin creature I killed earlier was translucent, I would have seen the coins floating around in its body. Perhaps the coins are created when they die. They look very much like minted coins, with identical symbols etched into their surfaces, but…

Well, I don't know. Maybe I never would. I felt so lost, down here. A wealth of untapped mysteries, and here I was, barely even scratching the surface. There was… a profound sense of inadequacy. They should have sent a scientist, so to speak. But I was all this place has got right now, so I'd have to be enough.

If nothing else, I could at least make the way safe for anyone else that comes here. That is the one thing I'm good at. And it seemed I'd earn a pretty penny doing so. Plus, it'd probably make that goat lady's job a lot easier. Not that she needed my help, she throws a mean fireball after all (and she did some rather potent healing on me at the same time, something to keep in mind if I ever had to fight her: kill her in a single blow if possible, maybe go for the jugular if I can reach it, otherwise try and keep her disoriented, knock her down and keep the pressure on and ensure she has no time to lick her wounds), but she clearly had a massive infestation on her hands here, and even with her weird magic or whatever she can't be everywhere at once.

Probably.

Continuing on, I encountered yet another set of spikes blocking my path, with a sign stating "There is only one switch", a maddeningly unhelpful instruction if I've ever read one. These puzzles were definitely becoming harder, but they were still just as terrible. Puzzles are supposed to challenge your intellect, not your patience. I looked around the room for anything that could possibly be a switch of some kind, but there didn't seem to be anything besides more of those pit traps.

Well, that and a giant carrot. With a face. That threw vegetables at me. But that hardly even warrants mentioning down in the UNDERGROUND.

I glanced over at the spikes. I could easily leap over them with a running start, but if they shot up suddenly, I could be skewered. I glanced back at the carrot thing, still tossing its deadly produce my way. A not entirely original idea came to mind.

The moment its latest barrage let up, I charged towards it, my knife still in its sheath. "Hello there!" I shouted as I ran towards it. "Would you be interested in participating in a scientific experiment I am currently conducting?"

"Plants can't talk, dummy!" It responded.

"Glad to hear it!" I replied, before grabbing it with both hands by the leaves and swinging it around and around, building up momentum as I did. After a few swings, I staggered towards the spikes and flung it bodily over them, the momentum sending me into a collision course with the ground as I let go. I quickly raised my head from floor to see it fly majestically over the spikes, and then landing in an ungainly heap on the other side, unskewered and very much discombobulated.

I let out a triumphant laugh, and in short order my knife met its face as I joined it on the other side with a running leap, satisfied that I had indeed found an easy way to skip past these annoying puzzles; And not, in fact, a clever trap for overconfident acrobats.

I continued on. Fought a few more creatures. Had some more vegetables thrown at me (what am I, a bad singer?). Encountered some more utterly weird puzzles. Or should I say, puzzle. They were all the same: "if you can read this press, the blue/red/green switch". All switches were within plain sight, despite the earlier sign saying something about a change in perspective. I… I don't even want to know what the puzzle there was supposed to be.

I moved forward, past a fork in the road, through another doorway, and I emerged into… a truly captivating sight.

For so long I had been cooped up in these enclosed corridors. Now? The cavern opened up before me. I beheld great towers, a palace, countless purple structures stretching out like a vast empty city, devoid of any signs of life, and yet preserved. The roof of the underground was a distant shadow, like the night sky, false stars twinkling into the distance. "So," I thought to myself "This is what she meant when she mentioned the 'Ruins'. It is… truly a beautiful sight. Does she maintain all of this by herself? I could just sit here, gazing off into the distance, for hours."

I considered this for a moment. The solemn beauty of the view in front of me really was a balm for the soul. Obviously, hours would be a bit much, but I could spare a few minutes, couldn't I? Yes, I could use a break. My gaze drifted to the pouch carrying the coins. I had a fair few of them now, I could spare some to go pick up some refreshments from the spiders, something to munch on and wet my throat while I sat here and gazed.

I turned, reluctantly, to leave. I spotted what at first appeared to be a knife to the side of the room, but when I approached it turned out to be nothing but a toy. I put it in my bag anyways, and began to backtrack, an easy matter with how linear the corridors were, and considering how barren they'd be of dangerous monsters.

Or… that should have been the case. And yet, I turn the corner and…

Another frog thing. Just hopping along towards me, without a care in the world. I cut it down, and moved on. Again, one of those carrot creatures. Where were they coming from? Where? Where? Where? WHERE?

Were they in the walls? Were there hidden passages I hadn't found? I scoured the corridors again and again, scanning them for anything at all. Secret levers, telltale holes, movable wall panels. I pounded and scratched at the walls. But the monsters kept coming, returning again and again and again to every room I'd once thought clean. So I killed them again, and again, and again, and again.

Were they simply spawning here from the Aether, just out of sight? Were these creatures truly endless? I had lost track of time, it could have been hours, or days, or minutes. I was so tired. Was I to be locked in battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound?

And then, suddenly, it was over.

Just like that. I realized, suddenly, that I have gone back and forth the whole span of the corridors a dozen times without seeing a single monster. They were gone. Were they gone? Had I finally killed every last one of them here? Had I simply frightened them off? It didn't really matter to me. Maybe more will move in, and my efforts to make it safer for anyone that comes after will be for naught, but as far as I could tell, the place was finally clean, at least for now. That's all I could hope for.

I staggered back to the spider bake sale at last. I paid for my meal with a burgeoning coin pouch, clusters of moderately large spiders carrying the food and drink down to web, as others carried off the coins. I briefly wondered if the spiders themselves were creatures like the ones I'd fought, that would collapse into dust if they died. But that seemed unlikely; how would they make cider out of them, then?

At last, I returned to the room from which I had backtracked what felt like days ago, and slumped to the floor in front of the incredible view. I took a swig from the bottle of cider they had given me. It was… actually quite good, if unusual. A bit meaty, with a satisfying crunch. Tasted a little like seafood. The donut was excellent too; I wondered where they got the sugar. Maybe some kind of… sugar mushroom? I don't know.

I sat there for a while, nibbling and sipping away. The view really was a balm for the soul. But I'd rather have been gazing out at a forest, under the moonlight, not this dismal darkness. I held the jug to one side of my mouth in a careless grip, my arm trembling as the cider threatened to spill past my lips. It felt as if at any moment the jug of cider might slip out of my palms and crash down onto the floor, spilling it all onto the cold stone. For a moment, I felt like letting it slip intentionally.

But only for a moment.

I got back up, stretching my limbs to shake off the vestiges of fatigue, and continued on. Back towards the split in the path, guided by the crude arrow made out of leaves. It was there, in the middle of that path, that I beheld a great black tree. Countless leaves surrounded it, and yet all I could see on its branches were the barest of buds. A particularly dark Black Walnut tree, by the looks of it. The leaves around it matched as well; long and thin like feathers. Was this where all the leaves came from? A pity; I was hoping for a good reliable Ash. How did a tree grow down here, anyway? It was hardly the most unusual thing I'd seen so far, but it was odd nonetheless.

In the distance, I heard a feminine voice. Its source was soon made apparent, as the goat creature came walking down the path. She seemed in a rush, not even seeming to notice me as she rounded the tree. This impression was quickly proven an accurate one, as she proceeded to bring out her phone and call the very phone I had in my pocket not 10 feet from her, the sudden sound of my phone ringing startling her into nearly dropping hers. I gave her a cheeky wave, ringing phone in hand.

"How did you get here, my child?" She asked, that bewildered look still on her face.

"Well, I do believe I walked," I replied, a cheeky smile on mine. It was nice to be around someone who wasn't actively trying to kill me. After the madness I just went through… I was already starting to feel a little more like a person again.

She rushed to my side worriedly. "Are you hurt?" she said, looking over my body for signs of wear and tear. What a fool, not realizing that I am utterly flawless in every way and would never make a mistake or have any kind of injury while anyone was around to see it at any point in time.

"Not a scratch!" I said, striking a dramatic pose for her. With naught but a knife and a little grit, I swept through the Ruins like an angel of death, with nary a scratch on me. Something to be proud of, I supposed, even if I'd have really rather not had to deal with any of it.

She gave a relieved sounding chuckle at this, seeming amused by my antics and pleased by my not deadedness. "Impressive!" She exclaimed with a smile, before it faded into a difficult to interpret expression. "But still…" She continued. "I should not have left you alone for so long. It was irresponsible to try to surprise you like this."

I… honestly didn't know how to respond to that. I mean, she was right, she was being irresponsible, and a lesser child might have died or been seriously injured out there, but I hardly expected her to admit it. I was sure there was some appropriate thing to say here, but damned if I knew what it was.

"Er…" She suddenly looked very sheepish. See, get it, sheepish? Ah, nevermind, that one was a reach. "Well, I suppose I cannot hide it any longer." She continued, composing herself at last. "Come, small one!" She said, and strode gingerly off.

Was this the part where she takes me into her dungeon and does terrible things to me? Well, one way to find out. I strode forward in her wake, as she walked towards a doorway between a pair of windows, which kinda looked like a face if you squinted. There was some sign above the doorway, but it was too high for me to read. A sweet and peppery smell wafted out as I walked through.

"Do you smell that?" the goat lady asked in an enthusiastic voice. "Surprise! It is a Butterscotch-cinnamon pie."

"Yeah, smells delicious. You really are rolling out the red carpet, Turiel." I said, fondly. The smell brought back memories of long afternoons mixing ingredients, of sitting in front of the warm oven watching pastries cook to perfection, of pride as each one came out better than the last. This… butterscotch is something novel, however. I didn't recall ever using anything like… that…

My train of thought trailed off as I recalled a certain conversation on the phone, what felt like ages ago. My eyes narrowed. "Hold on a tick. Butterscotch-cinnamon pie?" I said, accusingly. "I seem to recall you pestering me earlier, demanding to know which of the two I preferred. What the bloody hell was the point of all that if you were just going to use both anyway?"

She smiled enigmatically. "That's for me to know, and you to never find out" She replied, laughing at my long suffering sigh. "I thought we might celebrate your arrival, so I will hold off on snail pie for tonight."

I raised an eyebrow. "Snails? Is that your main food source down here? That would be quite a shock. I suppose you were right to… Escar-forgo."

She laughed uproariously at this. Seemed the gal had an appreciation for punnage, the highest form of art.

"Alright, my little comedian, I have another surprise for you," She said, and walked over to the corridor on the right, gesturing me to follow. The corridor was offensively yellow, even more garish than all the purple earlier, and a far cry from the restrained off-white coloration of the entrance. "This is it," she said, as we stood in front of a bright yellow door. "A room of your own. I hope you like it!"

She reached a hand out towards my head. I recoiled away from it, and she looked over at me with surprise and… something else on her face. She looked as if she was about to say something… but then closed her mouth. Her eyes darted around, and after a moment she said "Is something burning…?" At this, she rushed past me down the corridor, shouting back "Um, make yourself at home!" as she went.

I sniffed the air. Funny, I didn't smell anything burning. And I know the smell very well.

What was that goat up to? "A room of your own"? What a strange thing to say. And reaching for my head, only to scurry away after. What the hell was that about?

I looked around the corridor. What was with it being so offensively yellow? Do weird humanoid goat creature eyes work differently to human ones? The only noticeable patch of color was a red flower on a table next to an odd looking vase with a pair of cattails in it. Cattails… there's marshland near where I live, not much, but some. Enough for cattails to grow. I'd head out there every so often to grab a few and make pancakes out of them. Good times. Also, yet more evidence that there had to be a way out nearby. They're a wetland crop, there's no way they'd grow in these caverns.

I opened the door and- GYARGH!

The room was, somehow, even more unpleasant to the eye than the corridor. The whole place was done up in more or less the same unpleasant shade of reddish orange, like ketchup that's gone a bit thin. I rubbed my poor, aching eyes. As I did, it suddenly hit me just how tired I was. I'd been up for a very long time, even before I fell down here, and after all that madness I had to go through earlier… well.

I laid down on the garish bed, and tried to get some rest.