If someone was keeping a record, Duke would've liked it to be known that while he really did not want to hurt Small, Purple, and Pissed right now, she was also making it really fucking hard to resist the urge to slap her upside the head for all the wanton property damage she was inflicting.

BRAK!

"Shit!" Duke hissed, quickly weaving out of the way as the pellets completely destroyed a trash can to his right. He had no idea how the other guys complained about wanting to be able to dodge bullets: at least they had the sense not to get themselves shot at in the first place.

Well, no use grumbling about it now. If there was any silver lining to the situation, it was that she was both very predictable and VERY wasteful - when your only tactic against a smart opponent was charging, screeching and firing wildly, you tended to eat through shells without much return on the investment. Thus, after what was probably a few pounds worth of exercise in strafing around corners and gunfire...

BRAK! BRAK! Chk chk chk!

...The girl was left as little more than a wheezing wreck holding a metallic beat-stick.

"All outta ammo, huh?" Duke panted. Damn, he might've been working out to keep his killer bod, but this girl really tried her best to give him the works like he was back in an alien invasion. Props to her! "Shame, kiddo, but at least you showed all those innocent buildings and furniture who's boss."

"Hnnngh, ghhhhrgh..." the girl huffed, looking close to dry-heaving as she desperately rifled through her pockets for any spare shells. "C-Can't...hhhhn...can't let you go...what you did to L-Lady Aru...unacc-hhheh-eptable!"

Now's a good a chance as any, Duke thought to himself slowly approached the-

Chk chk chk chk chk-

Holy shit, she really wanted to blow his guts through a hole in his back. Just what the hell did they feed this kid?! Putting his hands up to indicate his (self-imposed) helplessness, Duke took a single cautious step towards the girl again.

"Look kid, ah...what's your name?"

"...I-Igusa Haruka," Haruka mumbled, keeping her empty shotgun trained on him. Granted, it would've scared the average Joe anyway, but Duke Nukem was anything but average.

"Nice ta meet ya, Haruka. The name's Duke Nukem, and I work at Schale. I really am sorry for hurting that Lady Aru 'a yours, it ain't the Nukem way to hurt a babe...but we really don't got time for this," he carefully began as a distant explosion proved his point. "That nice elf girl 'n I gotta mosey our asses over to the Schale building to save the city. Look, how's about this? You name me somethin' I can do as an apology and I'll see if it can get done."

"Um, uh..." the girl sputtered, fidgeting with her shotgun as she fought to trust the adult in front of her. Suddenly, the girl's stance stiffened as if she gained some sort of unknown confidence. "I-If you're really sorry, you'll treat Lady Aru and everyone to a nice meal! In a really f-fancy restaurant!"

Inwardly, Haruka allowed herself a microscopic smirk. There was no way this adult would accept her deal, all they did was use them for jobs and withhold pay for reasons she didn't understand. Once she exposed him for the insincere snake that he was, she would have the justification to get rid of him for Lady Aru's sake!

"Done deal. If Schale can't pick up the tab, then I'll work my ass off to get you all that meal. How about you, Haruka?"

"Eh?"

Duke shook his head fondly. Normally, he wouldn't be giving someone such an open goal like this, but could he really call himself a good teacher if he didn't take a couple dozen dives for his students? "You wasted all your ammo on this old timer. A little more restitution wouldn't be off the table, if ya catch my drift."

"Wha- I mean- No, no, I'm fine," Haruka babbled nervously, now fully taking her shotgun into her arms and cradling it like a safety blanket. This Nukem guy accepting her deal and telling her to go for more had already destabilized her, but being able to think made her realize that not only did she destroy a whole lot of public property and put the rest of Problem Solvers 68 further in trouble and debt, she also inconvenienced someone who apparently worked for the GSC and could've killed him.

Whether he was actually right or not wasn't important: Haruka was pretty sure that the lady who was with him had a GSC uniform on anyway. Which meant that he had to be someone big and she was shooting at him and now Lady Aru and Kayoko and Mutsuki would be blamed for her awful behavior and-

No, nononononoNONONO, Haruka mentally screeched as her breathing spiraled out of control.

Would her friends even bother living with a murderer? No, that was obvious, they'd dump her like the trash she was. Would they be thrown in jail to rot with her? If there was any mercy left in this world, she hoped not. She'd take any punishment for them, every punishment for them.

Could she even live with herself?

"I-I can't- I mean, I'm worth less than dirt, th-the air I breathe is just contaminated...c-compared to Lady Aru, and Mutsuki, a-and Kayoko-!"

"Hey..."

"-ahaha, j-just the thought of asking for something for myself of all things, it's enough to make me sick...! I'm sorry, I-I should just die right?! E-Everyone would be better off if I was dead! I'm sorry, I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'm-"

"Hey."

Haruka jolted as the behemoth of a man appeared right in front of her, and she got the feeling that he was upset for her rather than at her...whatever that meant. Before she do anything, he gently crouched down with a grunt and placed gentle hands on her shoulders. Despite their size, she got the feeling that she could have shucked him off at any moment...not that she would, being complete pond scum. If he wanted his revenge, he could have it.

"Let's do some deep breathin', alright?"

"...Huh?"

"Sometimes we all feel a lil' panicky and say things we don't mean. That's alright," Duke quietly assured her, and Haruka felt herself trusting him as he reminded her of Lady Aru's kind words. She idly wondered if more people would like his voice if he was all quiet like this. Wait, wasn't it weird to think about this when he was right in front of her? It was weird, she was weird- "Follow along with me, okay? Close your eyes."

Shivering, she did so. "Okay, now take a deep breath and count to two."

One, two. "Great job, Haruka. Now, if you could hold it for three I'd be real grateful."

She didn't know why, but she tried her best. "Good, we're nearly there. Now then, I want ya to gently let go of that breath, okay? Just let it flow over you and count to four."

"Haaaah..." Haruka exhaled, counting to four before opening her eyes and staring into the man's shades. It...she felt better! She could still feel herself shaking a little, but her heart wasn't pounding against her ribs, her vision cleared up, and she wasn't feeling like fidgeting much right now. Without burdening her friends or Lady Aru, she felt better.

...Maybe this adult was okay. Just maybe.

"Um, t-thank you for...uh, yeah," Haruka shyly muttered, gaze dropping to the ground.

"Anytime," Duke pat her on the shoulders. "But hey, Haruka?"

"Huh?"

"Don't you ever say that it'd be better off if you were dead," Sensei rumbled, and suddenly Haruka was reminded that he was a solid wall of muscle as he loomed over her. "Because there are people who love you and want the best for you. After all...you wouldn't have chased me around if they didn't, right?"

"...Y-Yeah," Haruka sniffled, taking a brief glance at him before her eyes darting away. "Okay. I-I...it's...I'll try my best, M-Mr. Nukem."

Duke smiled warmly at her as he placed a hand on her head. Yeah, he might have fucked up in he beginning, but he wasn't gonna run. He would make it up to them and help however he can. If Haruka proved anything, it was that he could. And if he could, well then he damn well will.

"I'm lookin' forward to it, Haruka."

"...Ehe, ehehe..."

That smile was worth the meal anyway.

Kayoko let out a long sigh as she pressed the ice pack against the bump on Aru's head, causing the girl to bite back a whine.

"Ow, ow ow owie- I-I mean, um, hmm..." Aru grumbled, menacingly gazing off into the distance while pretending that the tears in her eyes didn't exist. That man, who had the power to send her flying with only a kick, who was he? Was this a threat? Was it an assassination attempt from the Prefect Team?! Maybe the GSC even-

"YEEEEOWCH! K-Kayoko, be gentle! It's an order, okay?!"

"Again, I really do need to apologize," Rin took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "We were in a hurry, and still are, but we truly did not mean to injure your...boss. Rest assured, you will be properly compensated for this incident."

"Sounds good t'me, all water under the bridge over here," Mutsuki casually shrugged, glancing at Aru. "We've been through tougher scrapes, lemme tell ya. I just think Boss Lady over there likes being pampered by Kayoko, kfufu..."

"I-I do not!" Aru yelped, face turning a bit pink even as Kayoko rolled her eyes. "I'm actually in pain! B-But a negligible amount of pain, I'm simply giving my dear employee something to do!"

"Well, if it only hurts a little, then..." Kayoko drawled, slightly withdrawing.

"No, wait, no!"

"Alright, alright, I'll quit it for now," Kayoko snorted, a light smile on her face. "Don't we have Haruka literally gunning after Sensei to worry about anyway?" The three girls blinked as they realized that yeah, they did just leave the newly-minted teacher to deal with an adorably unstable shotgun-toting berserker.

"...I mean, Haruka is a good girl," Aru winced, this time not from the pain from her lump. "She'd hold back."

Kayoko and Mutsuki shot her a dubious look.

"Probably."

Now even Rin was giving her a look too.

"Okay, there's a non-zero chance that she would!" Aru squealed, before clearing her throat. She had a rep to maintain! "Look, we won't know until they come back, so let us simply wait for good news rather than lamenting the unknown. For all we know, they could be getting along swimmingly right now."

"Or Haruka could've turned him into paste," Mutsuki cheekily added, merrily weathering a glare from Rin.

"She is, of course, kidding."

"Splattered him across the pavement like month-old lasagna. We'd know," Mutsuki stage-whispered. "Wasn't half bad if you powered through the indigestion."

"Oh haha Mutsuki you cad," Aru hissed out from grit teeth, glancing at a now very interested Rin. "I do believe the joke has run its course, thank you."

"Okay, okay, fiiine," Mutsuki groaned, throwing both her hands up. Silence reigned for a precious few seconds before she turned to Rin again. "So, just asking for a friend, you got any spare Senseis lying around, um, 'just in case'?"

Kayoko facepalmed, letting out a soul-draining groan.

(Eek! It's like a shadow cast itself over her face! S-S-S-Scary! Shut up Mutsuki, that bespectacled gorilla could probably snap us in half!) Internal Aru screamed, tears streaming down her metaphorical face as External Aru haughtily laughed. (Come ON, Haruka, where are you?!)

...

"Do you think, um, she would've...l-liked me?"

Duke snorted. After their deep breathing exercise, he had suggested that they meet back up at HQ to reconvene with Rin and the rest of Problem Solvers 68. He was all for hiring the team as extra muscle to get to the Schale club room, though he was hesitant to guarantee it seeing as how Rin held the purse strings at the current moment. Ah well, he figured it'd be fine: six guns sounded a lot better than two, even if he was worth hundreds on his own.

In any case, they had some time as they hurried back to the group, and Haruka was curious as to who he was before his trip to Kivotos. Naturally, the conversation led to Duke gushing about his late wife, and seeing the wonder and tentative hope in his student's eyes was enough to assuage the small stab of grief that always hit him when it came to her death.

"Yeah, of course she woulda liked you," Duke smiled. You wouldn't remember, but I'm sure she did. "What's there not to-"

Haruka sneezed.

"Huh, got a tissue for ya..."

"Oh, no, I couldn't- it'd be, w-well, wasted on me."

"Haruka..." Duke raised a warning brow.

"...! I mean, ahh...yes, Duke-sensei, m-may I please, um, borrow it? I'll pay you-"

Duke wordlessly shook his head and handed her the tissue without complaint.

"T-Thank you, Duke-sensei," Haruka murmured, blowing her nose with a tiny toot as he nodded contently.

...

As Aru saw Haruka and the new Sensei approaching, looking remarkably fine, she nearly cried in relief.

"Oh thank the-" Aru coughed. "I-I mean, so you've returned, ahaha..."

"Sorry for the wait, ladies," Duke grinned. "The name's Duke Nukem, my bad for keeping your little friend busy there. Rin, mind if I catch your ear for a sec...?"

Tuning them out briefly, Aru watched as Haruka timidly approach her.

"I'm so sorry, Lady Aru, I-I inconvenienced you and Duke-sensei!" Aru felt her chest constrict as she watched Haruka's pupils dilate, her body beginning to shake. "Aah, thinking about it, i-it makes me want to-!"

Her eyes widening, Haruka's mouth suddenly snapped shut, surprising the rest of PS68 who were gearing up to shut down another hysterical outburst.

She squeezed her eyes shut. In for one, two. Hold for one, two, and three...then exhale for one, two, three, and...four. Haruka slowly opened her eyes, looked at Aru, and bowed. Unfortunately, bowing to her boss meant that she missed her Sensei's expression, the proud smile sitting on his face threatening to light up half the city.

"I'm s-sorry for burdening you all. I'll do my best not to tarnish your image again, Lady Aru...!"

Aru, however, did not respond immediately. Instead, she slowly turned to Mutsuki and Kayoko and found that they must have been sharing the same expression, because Kayoko simply nodded and Mutsuki just blinked several times as if she were looking at an oasis in Abydos. Shaking her head, Rikuhachima Aru rose to full stature.

"Raise your head, Haruka," the boss of PS68 began, "and be proud of yourself!"

Nodding at Haruka's uncomprehending expression, Aru puffed out her chest. "Maybe violence wasn't the answer in this specific situation, but it's okay since no one was hurt in the end! You acted to defend my honor, and as your boss I cannot possibly be happier! Besides...you were able to prevent a spiral this time. I feel confident in speaking for all of us when I say that this is an achievement."

"Yeah, nice job," Kayoko clapped the girl on the shoulder and gave her a small grin. "And, uh, if you needed to hear it from me...I don't think you're a burden, okay?"

"Yeah, you're our little Haruka! Ah, to see you growing up is just...!" Mutsuki happily crowed, bouncing up to her other side and throwing an arm over her shoulder. "Aren't you proud of your little chick, Aru-mama?"

"D-Don't call me that! And of course I am!"

"Oh, well, u-um," Haruka stuttered, beet-red and smiling from all the positive reinforcement she was receiving. "I-It seems like...I have to thank Duke-sensei f-for a lot..."

"Oh? Hm. So it seems I have some thanks of my own to give to that Sensei after all," Aru shook her head fondly, and PS68 enjoyed the nice atmosphere for a few seconds before Aru's brows furrowed. "Say, Haruka, while I was...indisposed, were you shooting at him the entire time?"

"Eh? Ah, yes...?"

"And he's just...fine?"

"H-He, um, actually dodged every shot."

Aru, Mutsuki, and Kayoko blinked, looked at each, and then looked at Haruka. Unfortunately, they each determined that she wasn't lying.

"Every shot," Mutsuki flatly repeated, as if saying it again would make it more logical.

"Y-Yeah...?"

"All your ammo?" Kayoko asked, letting out a hiss and turning her gaze to the sky incredulously when Haruka nervously nodded.

"...Huh?" Aru dumbly muttered. This Duke-sensei didn't have a halo. He didn't have a halo and still managed to dodge every one of Haruka's shots, who granted wasn't the best marksman but certainly wasn't awful, and she made up for it with sheer volume anyway. Haruka had absolutely no reason to hold back, ran through her entire stock of ammo, and the man was completely right as rain (and apparently negotiating some kind of contract with Rin, who was like the fourth-most scariest woman in the world).

...

Wasn't that really fricking cool?!

What the hell, was he something that crawled out from some action hero movie?! Was he hiding his power level or something? What a grizzled outlaw move...! Clearly, Duke Nukem was a man worth her attention, he must have lived a life of danger and intrigue!

(She also wondered if he was ripped under that suit, but decided to shelve that particular train of thought until she was alone.)

"He had guns on him the whole time, though," Kayoko scratched her head, accepting the insanity of his dodging skills yet still trying to puzzle out exactly what kind of man Duke Nukem was. "Did he even fire back once?"

"Nn," Haruka grunted and shook her head, the bit of confidence in her marking another small surprise for the rest of PS68 today. Just what happened between her and Duke-sensei? "I-I think he just chose not to because...well...he didn't need to. When I started chasing him, h-he looked back to dodge once and then just...uhm, moved automatically?"

"...What a freaky guy," Mutsuki whistled. "Y'think he's some sort of escaped super-soldier from Millennium or something...?"

"No clue, but is that really your first guess?" Kayoko's brow raised, unamused.

"I dunno, looks it to me. What do you think, boss?"

"Huh?!" Aru jolted, snapping out of her daydream. Reality, thy name is Mutsuki. "Um, I mean, we can always speculate some other time, right? Since we were only around the GSC to scope out the situation around the city, isn't it high time we return to the office?"

Kayoko shrugged. "Your call, boss."

"Aw, but I wanna play around with Rinny a little longeeer," Mutsuki whined as the girl in question twitched a little ways away, wrapped up in some sort of call. "I'm sure Haruka doesn't want to leave her precious Duke-sensei just yet either!"

Aru glanced at the girl in question, who shrunk back a little but shyly glanced up at her.

"I-I...would like to help Sensei l-like he helped me. I'm very sorry if I s-sound ungrateful and arrogant, everyone, b-but...!"

Before she could continue to make her case, Duke appeared behind her and ruffled her hair, causing all four members of Problem Solvers to jump a bit.

"Aw, that's real sweet 'a ya, Haruka," Duke grinned, "but let it be known that Duke Nukem ain't the kind 'a guy to ask for dirty work done pro bono. Rin?"

The acting president of the GSC stepped forward and adjusted her glasses. "Should you be amenable to it, Sensei and I would like to offer Problem Solvers 68 a job: assist us in quelling this riot and retaking the Schale club room, and you will be paid handsomely. Of course, this also includes the earlier discussed restitution for the...incident."

Rin shot a look at Duke, who simply cleared his throat and looked away before squaring his shoulders and formally bowing at a flabbergasted Aru.

"I'm sorry for kicking ya, Lady Aru," Duke apologized. "It ain't- uh, it's not right for a man to hit a lady, even if it was an accident. Hope we can kick some ass together real soon."

"Sensei, you were so close..." Rin groaned.

Mouth flapping open and closed, Aru made to clear her throat and dust herself off. "A-Apology accepted, Duke-sensei, and you can just call me Aru. You took care of one of our own, so I shall be generous and say that we are even. More to the point, you say that we will be paid handsomely if we accept this job of yours." Her yellow eyes narrowed. "Elaborate."

"Well, Haruka over there already got you all a nice meal from a fancy restaurant outta me..."

Aru shot an impressed glance at the girl, who shyly looked away with a small smile.

"But I'm thinkin' an assload of Yen oughta sweeten the deal. An ass so fat that walkin' down the street with that bad boy is a crime of indecency."

Reactions were mixed. Aru and Haruka were confused for a couple of seconds before their faces lit up, Kayoko coughed and turned away, Mutsuki could barely collect herself in time and doubled over anyway, and Rin...

"Sensei."

"Sorry Rin, my late wife said I was uniquely bad with analogies."

"So, okay," Aru cleared her throat and waved away the final remnants of her blush. "When you say...um...that...would you mind giving us a figure?"

The rest of PS68 leaned forward.

Rin nodded. "Given the severity of the issue and my 'persuasive efforts'," Aru shivered, "The GSC has prepared an offer of 750,000 yen. While I cannot draft a formal contract at the current moment, rest assured that should you accept, this job offer will be officially documented and is legally binding."

...

"G-Group huddle," Aru squeaked. The group, amazingly enough, huddled.

"Holy shit, Aru," Mutsuki wheezed. "We could cover rent for like, months! It's not like we're sitting here twiddling our thumbs either, we could actually treat ourselves every once 'n a while with this in the bank!"

"We've, um, we've really hit the big time with this one, huh?" Kayoko muttered, her own face a bit pale. "At risk of sounding like a broken record, your call. Though, if it were me..."

"T-This is amazing, Lady Aru!" Haruka quietly cheered, shooting her boss a dazzled look. "Um...y-you're gonna accept, right?"

"Uh..." Aru took in the expectant look in everyone's eyes and figured that this only had one outcome anyway. "W-Well, of course I will! Sensei!"

The man looked over as Aru called over her shoulder-

"Consider Problem Solvers 68 on the case!"

Amidst everyone's cheers, Duke nodded with a big grin.

"Damn, ain't we lucky then? Let's get this show on the road then, ladies, we've been wastin' enough time jabbering!"

"You got it, Sensei!"

"Finally..."

"H-Hooray...!"

"Wait," Kayoko put a hand up. "Haruka used up all her ammo earlier, right? We might need to stop buy the convenience store and grab some more for her."

At this, Duke simply scoffed and shook his head. "I can top her up on the way, don't you worry about it."

Kayoko blinked, then squinted. "You don't look like you're carrying any ammo on you."

Rin shot her a suffering look as Duke simply chuckled.

"Watch this."

Kosaka Wakamo was bored.

Breaking out of the Corrections Bureau's shoddy jail was child's play for her and riling up some thugs to cause chaos was a fun diversion, but that's all it was. A diversion. A side dish to what should be a fantastic entrée...if she could think of something to whet her appetite. Ah, but there were too many options! So many things to destroy, too many lives to ruin!

She needed something big. Bold. Something that would crumble beautifully under flame, its loss truly crippling the General Student Council. But what, she wondered as she daintily sat down on the concrete divider beside her. What could she get her hands on that was close by?

Wakamo's fox ears twitched as she heard a stone drop to her side with a tiny clack, and a wide, fanged grin slowly crept its way across her face.

Silly me. Perhaps I have a few more appetizers left on my plate. So before the main course...

Legs tensing for less than a second, the Fox of Calamity leapt into the air towards her quarry, landing with a heavy thud in front of her prize.

Let's keep playing a little.

"Oh my," the girl gently shook her head, adjusting the blanket wrapped snugly around her legs with graceful poise even as Wakamo took a menacing step forward. "It really didn't take you long to find me at all, hm? I suppose even someone like me, a ravishingly beautiful sickly super-genius girl, can run into a bit of bad luck."

Akeboshi Himari opened her eyes and smiled at her soon-to-be captor.

"Good afternoon, Kosaka Wakamo. I would say the pleasure is mine, but I assure you that our meeting is all yours."

A/N: Once again through the power of dual advertising I COMMAND you to check out the AO3 version to see the full author's note. I know, I know, I'm a tyrant and I should have never gained power. Tremble in anticipation for the next chapter.

In other news, thanks for all the favorites guys and gals. Glad people are interested in my questionably hilarious shitpost.