The commodius corridors of the MUFON archives gave little away except their antiquarian atics of dubiously
named documents and their top-heavy master beaurocracy with apparently no government connections. The
two newest recruits Mulder and Scully, due to their previous high-level federal prowess in the X-Files,
who were both fresh off the shelf from the FBI had made their ways into the main
hall of secrets which was philoprogenitive in terms of giving birth to new theories, nuanced opinions-and indifferences.
Scully led the charge into the area after having been assigned to go over a document organized alphabetically under M.
A leadenly dillapidated area that was dismal in appearance yet had an ubiquitous influence to all who had been
inside it. Expensive but damaged wooden floors and walls that had not
been repaired in ages. It was a deeply cherished area despite its musty scent and mysterious
ghostly nature. An ornate room that shelved its shadowy powers of in a dark and dimly lit opaque environment, a flashlight
was required for all MUFON agents.
It was an ostentatious place full of archives and records,
some of historical consequence others of little to no significance other than how many documents were shredded in one day versus another.
Although the true purpose of this facility was in question to the outside world, there was only one man who knew all too much
about its value. And perhaps too little as well?
"Welcome," said a bold and brazen wickedly wise cigarette smoking man on a rocking chair made of the finest red sandlewood.
Scully could not believe what her beautiful blue eyes were beholding. She shined a flashlight on the old man.
"I'm skeptical," said Scully.
"Oh you have every right to be. I would be too if I saw myself here. Quite a lovely little library isn't it?" said
the smoking man as he inhaled and exhaled an elegant and intricately woven puff of smoke, after which he murdered
his cigarette by crushing it under his powerful hand into the ash tray of grandiose old and forgotten dominance.
"Tell me why you're here" said the man.
"Scully, what do I do? I could ask this guy the very same question" replied Mulder.
"Aheh, it's simply a matter of public record. Your answers will be recorded in my little notebook,
if you give me no answers I can always handle things a different way you know" said the smoking man.
"How are you still alive?" said Mulder.
The Cigarette Smoking Man looked contemplative and cruel with a delightfully devilish smile.
"Would it come as a surprise if I told you your son betrayed you? He shapeshifted of course,
into me so that you would appear to have shot me dead. Then it was only my avatar you killed and
your boy now works for me. He and a certain young Darin Peter Oswald who escaped from a psychiatric facility, they both
make great subjects. If that isn't enough, William was never really your son to begin with, son!" said the Smoking Man quite
bluntly and boldly.
"That's a lie!" said Mulder.
"Calm down, Mulder" said Scully, comfortinhg him.
"Well, since you won't give me a reason for why you're here I'll have to tell them you're not being very cooperative" said the Smoking Man.
"Who are you working for?" asked Mulder.
"It's just business, nothing personal" replied the Smoking Man as he got up off of his comfy lavish seat and glided down the hall,
after which he seemingly vanished into a puff of smoke. Then the lights went out.
"Okay Mulder, I think we should just pretend we didn't see any of that" said Scully, sipping from her paper
cup of coffee and munching on a soft pineapple flavored peanut butter cookie.
"Oh really? And pretend we never investigated Chupecabras, the JFK assasination, haunted succubus laden segways,
and lake monsters? I'll just pretend that too Scully. I'll enter the land of skeptical make believe" said Mulder.
"How are we going to get out of here? We could be killed" said Scully.
They both heard a voice over the intercom.
"If it's any comfort to you, I am simply a harmless look-alike. I had marveled over
your stories together and was orchestrating a prank for our new federal friends. It is near Halloween you know, and
there's still the matter of the ultimate fate surrounding Dana Scully's dog-Queegqueg!" said
the Smoking Man's voice as the lights came back on.
"Are you sure that wasn't just the voice in your head Mulder? Talking to you AGAIN?" said Scully, looking
frustrated.
"As I've said many times before Scully, those voices in my head keep me sane and rational. They're the only
things that do next to online sports betting" said Mulder.
"Oh, brother. Sure, whatever," Scully muttered under her breath.
"Man, that guy sure gives an impression. He nailed it, right down to the tone and the way he brutally murdered
his cigarettes in that ash tray of evil" said Mulder.
"Right, we'll just laugh about it over a cappucino when we're all done. Now let's see here where is the Mcpherson
document-aha, there it is!" said Scully, pulling out a document. Agent Dogget, a brave and rugged individual who
had seen a great many evils and strange phenomena had overcome his skepticism and been assigned a dual role as a MUFON investigator
as well as an FBI agent. He entered the room and poked Mulder on the shoulder.
"Boo! Yeah, I know these streets pretty well now. Enough to know we is not the only spooks
around here, ya know what I'm sayin?" said Dogget as he munched on a hot dog. He continued, "I couldn't help but notice how talented that
chain smoking impersonator was. Probly a litte too talented for my liking. I smoke too now and then, but not like he does" said
Dogget.
"Here's the document we're investigating. It's about some old VHS tape, a movie with unknown actors from a long time ago. Some think it really is legit"
said Mulder, handing Dogget the document Scully gave him.
"There certainly was a bad actor here, if you know what I mean" said Dogget, looking dangerously angry.
"It wasn't really him, dear" said Scully, reassuring Dogget and patting his back.
"You never know Scully, I mean he looked like he could have been a clone" said Mulder.
"Please don't go into a long encyclopedia esque rant about what a clone is Mulder. I work in science, I know what that is" replied Scully.
"So who are these actors? Were they in Green Acres or the Addams Family?" asked Dogget.
"I've looked up the names of the actors. They've never been in anything else BUT the McPhlersins Tape!
This predated the Blair Witch Project for found footage, Mulder. And the UFO community is so gullible they think it's real!" said Scully.
"I told you Scully, I think this family really WAS abducted by aliens" said Mulder.
"I just hope when we go there there's no cigarette ashes. Or dead bloody bodies on the floor" said Scully.
"All I know is there were claims of swarms of eight to nine foot tall big tall glowing white aliens with bug eyes and
these weren't your typical run of the mill crack heads looking for a quick fix! There was also an account
of a beautiful silver skinned brunette woman with glowing green eyes" said Dogget.
"No shit, Dogget. I hope there's some green or grey aliens, or even a muppet baby at worst" said Mulder.
Upon entering the house, they saw a rectangular table, and bookshelves with various books about magic; above them were cabinets.
On top of wooden counters were bottles of herbs and other various assortments of wooden tools. Lots of gorgeous opaque
shimmering crystals of all shapes, sizes, and colors could be seen.
Upon entering the house, the trio saw a rectangular table, sitting upon it was a Quija board. There were bookshelves with various books about magic; above them were cabinets.
On top of wooden counters were bottles of herbs and other various assortments of wooden tools. Lots of gorgeous opaque
shimmering crystals of all shapes, sizes, and colors could be seen.
Mulder put his hand on the planchette of the board nonchalantly.
"Whaddya think Scully? Should I try to contact Queegqueg?" asked Mulder.
"Stop it Mulder, don't think I didn't see where your hand was going. Those Quija board
things are dangerous" said Scully. Dogget gave Scully a suspicious and cold stare.
"I thought you didn't believe in that bologna" said Dogget.
"I had two vivid dreams Dogget, one where I was visited by Solunus Casey and another by St. Francis of Assisi.
As Catholics we receive regular visits from Virgin Mary apparitions-so is it therefore any real shock that
we have no trouble accepting ghosts, including holy ones?" said Scully.
"You explained that better than any priest" replied Dogget.
"She sure did. She's awesome" said Mulder. The house squeaked with rickety eeri wonders as the trio
marched their way through the rooms.
"Hey, someone's been smoking here, and I don't think it was Rod Serling" said Dogget, pointing to an old ash tray near a large queen sized mattress.
"Well, we can only hope it was Casper the Friendly ghost" said Scully.
"Funny you mentioned Rod, there's a lot of old Twilight zone tapes in the TV Room. A lot of Three Stooges,
Laurel and Hardy, and vintage Frankenstein movies" said Mulder.
"What? You gonna pull one of those out and try to watch them?" asked Dogget.
"Haha, no. According to the dossier there should be a number taped to the rabbit ears of this old thing" said Mulder.
"There was. Here's the post it note I just found it" said Scully, as she handed Mulder a piece of old paper.
The paper read:
For any information on the Mcphersons call *********
note: not allowed to give the actual number, jk.
"I'm gonna try calling that number right now" said Mulder, reaching for a phone.
As Mulder succesfully dialed the number in, Dogget and Scully got increasingly nervous.
Mulder began hearing strange static and loud squeaking that sounded like another language on the other end.
"HELLO? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" shouted Mulder. He hung up. "Guess folks from Venus don't have caller ID" he added.
"Yeah, well now we're screwed. We could easily be going from highly respected government agents to squatters
here. This could also all be a setup for all we know. What do you say we blow this hot dog stand?" suggested Dogget.
Mulder sat down in a chair.
"You oughtta be the one who was running a big conspiracy Mulder. You look like Michael Corleone sitting in that thing"
said Scully, chuckling to herself.
"Thanks Scully, I tried to get the role but they turned me down" said Mulder, sarcastically.
Suddenly an old record player began playing on its own.
"You are my special aaaangel-sent from up above" sang a voice.
"That one would have been for you Scully, if I was the one playing the record" said a surprisingly casual Mulder.
"Have you gotten so used to the weird that you no longer react to it? What the hell is going on here?" said Scully.
"No one touched that record player. I got a hunch, a bad news hunch" said Dogget.
Suddenly they heard more voices:
Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you,
happy birthday dear Michelle,
happy birthday to you.
"And many more" said Mulder, laughing.
"Almost seems like Mulder knows what's going on here!" exclaimed Dogget.
"I told you the guy looks like Michael Corleone" said Scully.
"What? Are you in love with him?" suggested Dogget.
"Hell no" said Scull, flapping her arm forward.
"Only one thing I don't understand here. Who the hell is Michelle?" asked Dogget.
"Michelle is the girl in the VHS tape" replied Mulder.
There was a knock at the door.
"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD. What the fuck was that?" Dogget.
"Probly just the pizza man" replied Mulder, smiling.
"Get up!" said Scully, attempting to pull Mulder from his chair. But she couldn't. Trying with all her might, Mulder
was seemingly stuck to it.
"What's wrong Scully? I'm calm, cool and collected, just like Al Pacino" said Mulder.
"I don't want to believe" said Scully. She continued, "I DO NOT WANT TO BELIEVE"
Dogget answered the door. The instant the door was open Mulder was able to lift himself up off
of the seat.
"I hate to think what goes on here behind closed doors" said Mulder.
"That really isn't what you were thinking" said Scully.
The perpetrator of the door knock appeared to be Agent Reyes.
"Hope I'm not interrupting something," said Reyes as she lifted a lovely smile and transmitted it to Scully.
"Not at all. We're on duty, investigating an old VHS tape of an alien abduction that led us to this house
where it was filmed. We're looking for any traces of a missing family known as the Mcphersons, ever heard
of them?" asked Scully.
"The Mcphersons? No. I brought some Mcdonalds for Dogget though" said Reyes.
"Thanks Reyes, I'm starved" said Dogget.
"Weren't you downing five hot dogs ten minutes ago?" asked Scully.
"Let the man have his lunch, Scully. I have a theory" said Mulder.
Later...after a casual viewing of the Mcphersons tape in a dilapidated old low quality VCR.
"The ghosts only show up when the door is closed, that's because the paranormal activity didn't start
happening until the two brothers in the film left the house. The energy isn't there unless the door
is closed, if one door is closed the other one opens. Alpha omega. As above so below" said Mulder.
"Novus ordo seclorum" said Dogget, exhibiting a very rare chuckle.
"New order of the ages!" said Reyes.
"Yes, it's on the dollar bill. Anyway, I've set up an advanced classified version of a Polaroid camera on the other end of this room
and it should capture any paranormal activity" said Mulder.
"The way you were sitting in that chair like some sort of-some sort of LOUNGE LIZARD Mulder was
just so strange. You looked so content and you were moving your crossed legs so slowly like you were
in a rhythmic trance. It was frankly-oh god-what's the word for this? Spooky!" said Scully.
"Spooky bad, or spooky sexy?" said Mulder, winking at Scully.
Suddenly, the gang heard a loud noise and saw the silhouette of a small large headed being zooming through the room,
which knocked over a lampshade, breaking glass.
"CHECK THE CAMERA NOW SCULLY! DO IT!" shouted Mulder. But when Scully checked the camera, nothing showed up but static
and childlike laughter and the sound of dolphins. The camera then exploded and the lights went out.
Reyes brought a candle.
"Let's read from the Bible. Yay though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil" said Scully.
"Oh, I fear something" said Dogget, as Reyes walked by a mirror. The mirror did not show the face of Reyes but
rather a silver skinned woman with long brunette hair and shimerring green eyes with an otherworldly gaze.
Reyes then backed away from the front door slowly, and then charged up into what looked like a supersonic speed
and bolted out, leaving no damage to the door.
"That wasn't really Reyes. We've had a weird day, let's get out of here" said Dogget. But the door wouldn't open.
Dogget pulled out his shotgun and blasted it, forcing it open. Then he ran out the door.
"DOGGET! COME BACK! COME BACK DOGGET WE'RE GONNA ALL BE FAMOUS IF WE EXPOSE THIS" shouted Scully.
"Who do you know in this field who's truly famous? Like-in a flattering way?" said Mulder.
"You've been starin' at the sun too long Fox" said a voice that sounded like Dogget in the distance.
"Ever wonder where that expression came from? The sun is good for you, Vitamin D, they don't want you to know that" replied Mulder.
Mulder and Scully both began running and screaming until they came to a small corn field and a circle within it.
They waited. And they looked up. There was a huge mothership above them. The design in the corn field began to slowly
resemble an X.
"You know what I think Mulder?" asked Scully.
"No, what do you think Scully?" asked Mulder.
"I think this is our first circular X file" replied Scully.
Later, aboard the ship:
The Smoking Man was sitting in a chair, petting Queegqueg, and being served wine by two tall beautiful blondes.
The entire Mcpherson family could be seen on loop celebrating Michelle's birthday over and over.
"Ah, nothing like a family reunion. Care for a cigarette?" asked the Smoking Man.
"You're not really the Smoking Man, you're a clone" said Mulder.
"Mulder-it's me" said a voice. Mulder turned his head to what his shock seemed to be his sister Samantha, only
this time she had silver skin and longer hair.
"I really have returned to the stars. And I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult, but in an etherial form.
I could become physical again if I wanted to, but these little grey guys, and these blonde-these blonde-
people, they've been so good to me" said Samantha.
"What day is it today?" said Mulder.
"We both forgot our meds" said Scully.
"Today is my birthday, yes mine too I have the same one Michelle did" said Samantha, who had a larger head than usual. A small little creature who looked like the main character in the arcade game Q-bert
slowly waddled up to Samantha and blew a kazoo.
"You see Mulder? You can stay here with us. The truth eluded you for so long, but here it is" said the Smoking Man.
"I refuse to accept this truth. It's not my truth" said Mulder, as millions of greys with long sharp knives began
approaching him and Scully.
"You and Scully can be remodeled. It's a simple process" said the Smoking Man, as he stroked Queegqueg on his lap.
"QUEEGQUEG!" said Scully, as she violently yanked the dog from CSM's lap.
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home" said Scully as she held hands with Mulder.
"I have not said many truths in my life Mulder, but I'll say one now. The truth was with you all along,
from the very beginning. Life involves conspiracies, crimes, love, hate, and all it entails. Your
truth was a shared one, and was with you all along. No need to search for it, the truth is in you" said CSM.
"The truth-is in here" said Samantha as she touched Mulder's heart. "Humanity is trapped in darkness currently,
but rightfully blinded by a very real ray of hope. I won't let the bad aliens get you" she added.
Mulder and Scully woke up in bed together.
"Oh, I had the most awful dream" said Scully. "We had quit the FBI to work for MUFON," she added.
"I had the same dream. But that's all behind us now, Scully. I love you" said Mulder, looking surprisingly earnest and sincere.
"I-I-I love you too Mulder. And that's the truth. Our truth" said Scully.
Suddenly Queegqueg came in to join the cuddles. Scully felt the gentle licks on her cheek.
"Mulder, I know we've had plenty of time to get to know each other, but really? This? Wait, what?
QUEEGQUEG? OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH QUEEGQUEG! I MISSED YOU! YOUR mum missed you so much" said Scully, as she shifted to a beautiful British accent.
"He was on the lap of the cigarette man. We finally have proof of the paranormal Scully. Who knew it would be your resurrected dog?"
said Mulder. Queegqueg's head was slightly larger, and he had larger fuller solid black eyes.
THE END