Disclaimer: I don't own anything that doesn't belong to me. Slavi and her sister were created by Spidey Viewer, and Jinx, Parasoleil, and Asagi and all related children were made by kivathedcwizard. Everything else is mine.
Lovekov was having the best day ever.
This was to be expected, because every day was the best day ever!
She lived in an amazing city full of incredible sights to see and adventure around every corner!
She had a big and complicated family who loved her unconditionally, and she loved all of them right back, except for stupid uncle Daiji and Kagerou!
She had not one, but two girlfriends, though one she shared with her mothers, which she was vaguely aware was somewhat unorthodox but everyone loved each other so she didn't see the problem!
And one of her girlfriends was a Demon Queen, which meant when she married her, she'd be a demon princess, and since she was already apparently a demon princess due to being descended from Great-Grandpa Giff, that meant she'd be a double princess!
(No, she didn't care that wasn't really a thing, she was going to make it one.)
She regularly got to fight alongside her mommies as they battled lots of really bad people who wanted to hurt people for reasons she didn't quite get, but it didn't really matter because hurting people was wrong!
(Though apparently it was okay to hurt people who are hurting others, which Lovekov didn't fully get, but everyone else in the family did it, so she figured it was okay to do it too.)
And if that weren't enough, she got to go to school just about every day and learn about all sorts of cool things from Ms. Takayama who was just the best teacher ever and nothing like any of those other teachers who had refused to teach her because she wasn't human or treated her badly because of it, which she didn't understand, so what if she wasn't human, a good chunk of her family weren't, why did it matter, what was the big deal about being human anyway?
And, and she got to hang out all day with all her best friends, which was all her friends, which was almost everyone in the school, because she decided to follow in the footsteps of one of her idols who wasn't a member of the family, Gentaro Kisaragi, and become friends with all the other students and teachers!
(There were still a few holdouts, but she was sure she'd win them over eventually. Except maybe the ones who said bad things about her family and how her parents shouldn't be together or how it was sick and wrong for her to be with Astarte and how Great-Grandpa Giff was a monster and she was a monster and they all needed to be exterminated-)
Lovekov quickly grabbed that bad thought, shoved it into a box, and tossed it into the dark closet inside her head where she repressed all the things that made her sad and upset and angry until she let them out to use as inspiration for some new sick beats which made Astarte and Hani swoon.
Where was she?
Right! Best day ever!
She'd aced her quantum physics exam thanks to uncle George's tutoring, followed by Great-Grandpa Giff promptly making her forget everything she'd just learned as he taught her how quantum physics really worked with frequent interspersed rants about how ignorant humans didn't know anything about how the universe actually worked and how he could swear they'd known way more about this stuff back when he was in charge!
Today, a member of her family – she wasn't sure whom, but really really hoped it was one of her mommies – would come in to show her friends why they were all the greatest and shut up anyone who thought otherwise *cough*Neycombe*cough*
And, best of all…it was HER turn to take the class hamster home for the weekend!
And speaking of…
"Hi, Mr. Mugensai!" Lovekov chirped as she slithered into the classroom, looking precious in her schoolgirl uniform and booties taped to her underside which she didn't actually need but felt completed the look.
"Hello, child!" The talking hamster who claimed he was actually a ninja master replied, pausing from his vigorous run on the exercise wheel in his cage. Lovekov didn't really understand why a ninja master was her classroom's pet hamster, but it was hardly the strangest thing in her life. "Did you have a nice lunch?"
"I did!" Lovekov gushed happily as she wriggled into her seat, which had been specially designed to be both comfortable and ergonomic for her chubby snakelike body. "Grandma made my favorite! Oh, and good news, you're coming home with me for the weekend, love!"
For some reason, the hamster balked at this. "Am I now. None of your family are, um, going to try to eat me this time, are they?"
Lovekov considered this for a moment. "I can't honestly promise that, love," she admitted, because her mothers hadn't raised her to be a liar.
Mugensai cringed. "Lovely."
Something told Lovekov he didn't think it would actually be lovely.
"Why does it feel like you get to take care of Mugensai all the time? It's not fair!" Complained Lovekov's best friend Mei, a tomboyish calico zyuman kitten.
"Mei, the last time you had Mugensai over, your sibling almost dissected him," pointed out Lovekov's best friend Rayco, a rather chubby Rainian whose cloak/wings looked more like a muumuu with what looked suspiciously like a fishbowl over their head, which they ardently claimed wasn't, and the creature looking suspiciously like a goldfish swimming around their head was a symbiotic life form/emergency food supply and not a pet.
"It was for science," Lovekov and Rayco's best friend Shitsuki, Mei's sibling, said monotone, the gray tabby Zyuman kitten adjusting their glasses. "Shitsuki wanted to know how hamster talked."
"And I told you, it's because I'm a ninja master!" Mugensai yelled.
"If you're a ninja master, why are you our class hamster?" Asked Lovekov's best friend Mugu, a Squirrel Amazon with soft brown fur, wet dark brown eyes, adorable buck teeth, cute little ears, and long hair in a thick brown ponytail which curled up at the bottom to resemble a squirrel tail which, if let free, would probably hang past her waist.
"I've told you before, I'm renting myself out as a class hamster because money is tight right now and keeping our Shinobi Machines and equipment in tip top shape isn't cheap!" Mugensai complained.
"You know, my mom could probably help with that," Rayco offered.
Mugensai sighed. "I looked into it, we can't afford her prices."
"We have very reasonable discounts and a long-term payment plan-"
"With a ridiculous interest rate! It's practically robbery!" Mugensai snapped.
"It is not robbery," Rayco insisted with a sniff. "It is perfectly legal. Our lawyers have made sure of it."
"Has your mother actually gone legit, or is she just pretending like everyone knows Agent Abrella is?" Asked Lovekov's best friend Hislava, an incredibly cute pink Pythonian with little gold stripes and a pendant with a picture of her family inside. Everyone knew she would become incredibly beautiful one day, like the rest of her species.
Rayco scoffed. "That is rank slander and I will hear no more of it!" They declared, carefully not answering the question.
"Nom-Nom!" Said Lovekov's best friend Nom-Nom, a plant girl a foot taller than her with green skin, hair made of leaves, vines wrapped around her limbs, and a very wide grin full of sharp teeth.
"… Philia? Philia, she's talking to you," Mugu said, nudging Lovekov's best friend Philia, a bee-like alien who was a little chubby, clutched a stuffed animal resembling a bee, had a stubby crystal stinger, and a necklace and tiara made from Amber with undersized glittering wings.
Philia blinked. "What? Oh, right, sorry, I just… I forgot again."
"Forgot what?" Lovekov asked.
"That I can't speak to her telepathically, just like everyone else on this planet," Philia said apologetically. "I've been here for a little while now, but I still can't get used to it. Being surrounded by so many people but not being able to read their thoughts. This is the first time I've ever been around so many people not from the Hive, and most of them mammals at that."
"It can be difficult, being so far from home," Lovekov's best friend Neycombe the Beefly Fangire, an elegant girl wearing fashionable and extremely expensive jewelry with fluffy yellow hair and fur, a face vaguely resembling a plague doctor's mask much like her father with stained glass compound eyes, and beautiful glittering stained glass wings.
Philia nodded. "Yes, especially since I keep having to remind myself that all of you are actual people."
There was a pause.
"What do you mean by that?" Slowly asked Lovekov's best friend Masaki, the only person in the room who could pass for human on account of actually being a human, making him perhaps the most bizarre member of the class.
"Well, it's like I said, I can't read any of your minds because none of you are linked to the Buzzing like I am, so in a very real sense you don't entirely count as people," Philia explained. "More like… Organic, incredibly sophisticated drones. In fact, if it weren't for my constant link to the Buzzing now, there are times I wonder if any of you are actually real since I am unable to perceive any of you with anything more than my regular senses and have entertained thoughts that I actually died in the accident that transported me across the universe and all of you are nothing more than figments of my imagination sparked by my dying brain as my consciousness gradually fades away."
Everyone stared at her.
"Nom-Nom," Nom-Nom whimpered.
"I'm fairly certain I exist," Neycombe sniffed.
"Which is exactly what a figment of my imagination would say," Philia countered, and the Fangire had no reply to that.
"Well… Can a figment do this?" Lovekov asked, leaning over and tapping her on the nose. "Boop!"
Philia looked at her, briefly cross eyed, then chuckled. "I suppose not, no."
"Hey, can we please quit it with the existential talk? You're scaring Jun," Mei complained, nodding at her brother and Lovekov's best friend, a very timid blue Persian zyuman hiding under his desk in a fetal position.
"And Veila! Oh wait, nevermind, she's still here," Mugu realize, noting that Lovekov and Neycombe's best friend Veila, a Pamphilus Worm who was constantly wrapped in a leaf cloak like a safety blanket, was still in her seat.
"That's because I'm constantly terrified that I don't actually exist," Veila said matter-of-factly.
Neycombe patted her sympathetically on the head.
"If anything, it's more likely that all you are figments of my imagination," commented Lovekov's best friend Kaseihime, arguably the most powerful and beautiful member of the class, with red skin, almond-shaped dark eyes glittering like the cosmos, very long lustrous red and black hair, slender tapered fingers, a long neck, and smooth lines and curves, wearing a bangle with the emblem of her grandmother, the Queen of Mars.
"Look, just because you're a Martian doesn't mean you're omnipotent," grunted Neycombe, who as always resented Kaseihime for being more beautiful than her. "If you're really so powerful, why haven't you done anything to get Philia home?"
"Who says I haven't?" Kaseihime replied cryptically, as she often did, much to Neycombe's irritation.
"As strong as you may claim to be, you will never be mightier than the Lord," said Lovekov's best friend Cherubi, a beautiful child with literally radiant skin, very long red hair in a braid bound by halos, freckles, two small wings, and thick glasses over a blindfold with holes cut out for it for her purple eyes. If it weren't for how hard she was trying to hold back giggles, one might think she actually meant it.
"Which Lord?" Masaki asked.
Cherubi laughed outright at this. "That is the question, isn't it? A lot of people would say my Lord, and they'd be correct…and also totally wrong off this planet, and even in several places on it. Theology is complicated."
"That's life for you," Mugu said sympathetically. "The only thing you can be certain of is you can't be certain of anything."
"That is illogical and untrue. There are quite a few things I am incredibly certain of," said Lovekov's best friend Hazu, a gorgeous HumaGear child with features resembling her mother Izu, short dark hair in a similar cut with emerald and purple streaks and a longer side ponytail, prism ear modules, small metal angel wings going from her back, purple-emerald eyes and nails, a black bow in her hair with purple-emerald trimming, and a third eye in her forehead resembling Zea. She smiled and fondled the very pink device resembling a Tamagotchi hanging from her neck, which had an emoji face looking like a much younger Poppy smiling happily in it. "For example, I love Pico more than anything in the universe."
The emoji turned into a heart at this. "Pico!" chirped Hazu and Lovekov's best friend Pico.
Everyone cooed at this, with Lovekov squealing a "Love" and Nom-Nom chirping "Nom-Nom," enthralled as always by Hazu's unshakable love for Pico.
"The two of you are so cute together!" Gushed Lovekov's best friend Kyuko, an utterly adorable little girl with long white red-tipped hair, red eyes, fox ears, and six tails.
"Not as cute as our Usa is, of course!" Purred Kyuko's sister and Lovekov's best friend Nyaria, hugging Lovekov's best friend and Kyuko and Nyaria's best friend and girlfriend Usa, whom she'd pulled out of her seat to cuddle, and would pass her over to her sister in a few minutes for her to cuddle, the siblings having been taught to share everything, especially Usa. The girl in question, a very pale child with cute buck teeth, rabbit ears, odangoes and braided pigtails at least as big as she was, had a resigned expression on her face, knowing full well this was how the rest of her life was going to be.
"That is an utterly subjective and biased statement. And also wrong, since Pico is objectively the best," Hazu declared.
"An argument could be made that that is a subjective and biased statement," Shitsuki pointed out.
"That argument would also be wrong," Hazu said smugly.
"You can't use that excuse for everything," Mei complained.
"Yes I can," Hazu replied.
"Pico!" Pico chirped, causing everyone to coo again.
"Kobu! I love all of you, love! I'm glad we are all best friends!" Lovekov cheered.
"Well, I wouldn't say best friends," Neycombe grumbled, glaring at Kaseihime.
"Really? I think very highly of you as a friend, Neycombe," the Martian princess replied, startling her.
"Oh. I… Was not aware of that," Neycombe murmured, nonplussed.
"And I'm sure we'll all stay best friends, even after whichever member of my family comes in today blows all of yours out of the water," Lovekov said charitably.
Masaki groaned. "Oh boy, here we go…"
"That is another erroneous statement. My mother is copresident of one of the world's fastest-growing corporate religions and the avatar of an incredibly powerful new goddess," Hazu pointed out. "And Pico's parents are relatively important too I suppose."
"Pico!"
"Our dad is an elite soldier in charge of his own unit!" Mei bragged.
"Father has killed many people. Shitsuki hopes to kill as many people someday," Shitsuki said, earning them very disturbed looks from the rest of the class.
"… In the name of justice, right?" Masaki asked slowly.
Shitsuki did not respond.
"Nom-Nom!" Nom-Nom yelled enthusiastically.
"Yes, your parents are indeed impressive," Mugu agreed. "But mine is one of the smartest people on earth, and my other mom is one of the greatest magicians in the world! I'm basically magical royalty! And science royalty, but I'm pretty sure it's not actually a thing."
"My mother is a net idol and heir to the throne of Mars," Kaseihime reminded them idly.
"Which doesn't actually mean anything, because your grandmother is completely immortal and unlikely to ever give up the throne," Rayco pointed out, which Kaseihime was forced to concede was true.
"Well our mom rules the whole world!" Kyukogo boasted.
"Or most of it," Nyaria added.
"I thought King Tokiwa-" Philia started.
"May he reign forever," almost the entire class chanted.
For some reason, Philia gave them all disturbed looks, before continuing. "Rules the world."
The Youkai sisters giggled. "That's what he thinks!"
"My father is a member of the ruling body which governs my entire species," Neycombe bragged.
"Which still makes him less important than most of our parents," Cherubi pointed out. "I mean, my mom is literally higher than most of yours because she's a Throne angel. In heaven. So, literally above us."
"HOW DARE," Neycombe shrieked.
"Should an angel really be bragging about that?" Masaki wondered. "I thought pride was a sin."
Cherubi very maturely stuck her tongue out at him.
"Wait, your mom is a chair, Kobu?" A confused Lovekov asked.
"No, she's a Throne," Cherubi emphasized. "It's a class of Angel. Though she does use a wheelchair, granted."
"… They have wheelchairs in heaven?" A baffled Rayco asked.
"Well of course they do, it wouldn't be heaven if it weren't handicapped-accessible," Cherubi said reasonably.
"That is not even remotely what I meant," the Rainian grunted.
"Girls and non-binaries-" Masaki started.
"You forgot Jun," Hazu pointed out.
"No, he might as well be one of the girls anyway."
"It's true," Jun admitted.
"Do we really need to be arguing over which our families is better?" The sole human in the class pleaded.
"Shut up Masaki, your mother's a housewife!" Mei taunted.
"So is yours," he immediately replied.
Mei flinched and everyone gasped at the sick burn. "I did not think that through," she admitted.
"My mother rules several galactic clusters consisting of trillions of inhabited worlds, and my sister is an accomplished warrior, sorceress, and seer set to inherit a sizable intergalactic civilization of her own and has a big important destiny too," Philia spoke up proudly. Her antenna drooped. "Not that any of that matters, because neither of them will be here today."
For some reason, Kaseihime hummed pleasantly.
"I miss my parents," Veila said abruptly.
That and Philia's comment rather severely dropped the mood.
"Kobu," Lovekov mumbled.
"Nom-Nom!" Nom-Nom cried.
Rather suddenly, the classroom door opened, Ms. Takayama smiling at them all… Probably. "Hello, children!"
"Hello, Ms. Takayama!" Everyone chimed.
"Did you have a nice lunch?" She asked, taking her seat behind her desk.
"Yes Ms. Takayama!" Everyone chimed.
"Teacher, I brought you a special treat!" Neycombe said, nodding to Veila, who inched her way over to their teacher's desk and produced a rather large hunk of meat, still dripping with blood and grease.
"Oh my! That's quite thoughtful of you, Neycombe… As well as rather unsanitary and a blatant attempt to suck up to me," their teacher said kindly.
"… Is it working?" Neycombe asked hopefully.
"No," Ms. Takayama said sweetly. "I will, however, take the snack, but you're going to have to clean up afterwards. And no making Veila do it!"
"But Veila loves cleaning!" Neycombe protested.
Veila nodded in agreement.
"Then it wouldn't be much of a punishment, would it," Ms. Takayama pointed out reasonably, graciously accepting the rather large hunk, her head splitting in half to reveal a tremendous inhuman mouth lined with teeth connected by green tissue and daintily began to nibble on it, making sure not to let anything get on her clothes or the desk.
"Now," she continued, her voice completely unaffected by the meal she was hungrily chewing on because her voice wasn't produced by her mouth. "While I'm sure all of you were looking forward to seeing your family present yourselves to your peers today, unfortunately there's been a few last-minute changes so not everyone who promised to make it could come."
"Awww!" Everyone cried in disappointment.
"Thankfully," Ms. Takayama continued. "Just about everyone who could make it did, and we have acceptable substitutes for just about everyone except for Philia and Veila on account of the former's mother being in deep space and the latter's family still missing after that dreadful hide and seek accident."
Philia sniffled and Veila whimpered.
"So, let's begin Family Day properly!" She said, the sound of crunching bones filling the air as her teeth ground away at the last bit of her meal. "Everyone, give a warm welcome to Mrs. Izu Hiden, copresident of Hiden Intelligence, co-founder of the Church of the Divine Zero, and Metatron to the Goddess Zea."
"Greetings, children," Izu said as she entered the room, bowing politely to a smattering of applause. "And hello, daughter. You're looking well today."
"Hello mother," Hazu replied.
"Pico!" Pico chirped.
"Of course I didn't forget about you, future daughter-in-law," Izu assured the baby Bugster.
Pico's face turned into a heart again.
"Hi Mrs. Hiden!" Lovekov cheered, waving to her. "Love love!"
"It is good to see you as well, Lovekov," Izu said, much to her delight.
"Now, please try not to be too frightened by our next guest, he's promised to behave," Ms. Takayama.
"I did no such thing," Evolt said bluntly as he entered the room, horrifying everyone who knew who and what exactly he was.
"That's a Blood!" Philia shrieked in terror.
"The most feared and powerful species in the universe!" Rayco panicked.
Kaseihime coughed and Evolt actually flinched.
"But, uh, seriously, I'm not going to cause any trouble," he said quickly. "No don't bother telling me any of your names, because I don't care enough to remember any of them, especially because I'm probably going to kill you all someday."
"Pico?" Pico squeaked as most of the children reacted with perfectly understandable fear.
"All right, maybe I'll spare you, I'm still debating it," Evolt admitted.
Surprisingly, at least two of the children actually seemed delighted to see him. "Oh gosh, it's Evolt!" Kyuko screamed.
"Mr. Evolt! Remember us? We were on your show once!" Nyaria cried.
"No," Evolt said flatly.
"We ADORED your Bloody Fairytales! We were so sad when it got canceled," Kyuko complained.
"Are you ever going to bring it back?" Nyaria asked hopefully.
Evolt sighed. "Unfortunately, no, too many legal issues. Buuuut there is a new show in the works, and it will be, dare I say… Magical?" He said, twirling about, engulfed in sparkles, and transforming into a more svelte, curved, and distinctly feminine version of himself with ribbon-like appendages growing from his limbs and shoulders, a bow on his head, and his skin turned bright pink. "Moe moe kawai desu Magical Girl Evolto-Chan will be debuting on a channel near you very soon!"
The twins squealed in delight and hugged Usa at this.
Everyone else stared in abject horror.
"What the fuck," Lovekov said, astonishing everyone, especially herself.
"Trying desperately hard to repress this memory… Misora Isurugi," Ms. Takayama continued, strongly tempted to reach for a bottle she really wasn't supposed to have on school grounds.
"Hey kids," Misora said sweetly as she entered the room, yawning and rubbing her eyes. "It's everyone's favorite idol and Martian princess, Mii-tan here!"
Her fans in the room cheered. "Love love!" Lovekov cried.
Kaseihime smiled. "Hello mother! Darkness will fall soon!"
"Yes, I know, you've only been telling me that all morning," Misora grunted, yawning again.
"Darkness? What are you talking about?" Asked a concerned Cherubi.
"Don't worry, everything will be fine in the end," Kaseihime said dismissively.
"This is why I don't like you very much!" Neycombe yelled.
"Evolt, why do you look like that?" Misora asked Evolt tiredly.
"Because I want to, Misora-kun!" Evolt said sweetly.
She glared at him. "Mom, I hate you so much."
Evolt giggled girlishly at this.
The urge to take out the forbidden bottle growing, Ms. Takayama said, "Slavi Momocobra."
Hislava squealed in excitement as Slavi entered the room. "Big sis! You're here!"
"Little sis! You're also here!" Slavi squealed right back.
"Slavi is a… Remind me what your job is?" Ms. Takayama asked Slavi.
"So, you know how Pythonians are extremely polyamorous, pansexual, have zero shame, and are always up for sexual intercourse, even and especially in public?" Slavi asked.
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Well, as a pink Pythonian, I'm all that but more, so I'm basically what humans would consider a prostitute, except it has a much higher status in my culture with zero stigma, and we also have much better healthcare, no pimps, no abuse, and if we get murdered the cops actually give a shit," Slavi explained.
"So, closer to a high-end courtesan then?" Neycombe asked.
"Kinda, yeah!"
"I'm going to be one too when I grow up!" Hislava said ecstatically.
"That sounds like a great future career for you, love!" Lovekov encouraged her.
"… Not exactly the sort of thing you expect most kids to say," Misora muttered. "Still, you do you I guess."
"Jinxerbat Desmodia, please get out of the hamster cage, there's not enough room for you and Mugensai," Ms. Takayama said wearily to Jinx, who for whatever reason had squished herself inside the hamster cage.
"Please do," wheezed Mugensai, who was pressed very hard against the side.
"Nom-Nom!" Nom-Nom cheered as her mother extricated herself from the hamster cage.
"Jinx, why were you inside the hamster cage," Misora asked tiredly.
"Well, I was going to do a gag where I was dressed up like a student waiting for the teacher to call on me, but all the seats were full so I obviously couldn't do that," Jinx said as if that made any sense whatsoever.
"Really? That's your reason?" Misora grumbled.
"Couldn't you have just gotten another chair?" Izu asked logically.
"I do not understand the words you're saying," Jinx said, baffled. "Anyway, hey kids! I'm a Gangler! Do you know what that means?"
"That you're a criminal, like Rayco's mom probably is?" Masaki inquired.
"Hey!"
"That's racist! And also completely accurate. I am a criminal!" Jinx said proudly. "Except I only commit crimes against evil people with my wonderful wives, and our pet Yoshi, and occasionally Nom-Nom."
"Nom-Nom!"
"Yes, she just loves eating bad guys."
"I can get behind that," Neycombe admitted.
"I love the taste of sentient flesh-evo!" Evolto-chan gushed. "The fresher the better…"
"Shitsuki has tried the flesh of the wicked before. Shitsuki liked it very much," Shitsuki said.
Their siblings stared in disbelief. "Wait, when did this happen?" Mei demanded.
"Shitsuki has a life outside of you."
"I would never eat another person," Mugu said a little too quickly. "Again. I'd never do it again, I mean."
"Wait, you've done it before?" Masaki asked.
"My moms weren't my first parents," the Amazon said evasively.
"Speaking of which, here's Professor Nushi Cheng!" Ms. Takayama said quickly before anyone could continue on this line of discussion and tempt her into bringing up her own past dietary tendencies.
"Hi mom!" Mugu cheered.
"Hi mom! I mean mom! I mean guardian figure whom I initially disdained for being a mammal whose mind I couldn't read but now have really grown to love and respect which has left me with extremely complicated feelings whom I view as a second mother! FUCK," Philia shouted, slamming her head into her desk.
Everyone stared.
"Oh, right, members of the Hive can't lie," Slavi remembered.
"So silly-evo!" Evolto-chan giggled.
Nushi cleared her throat, blushing very hard. "That. Um. Thank you very much for sharing that with me, Philia. I have… Very fond feelings for you as well. But, uh, maybe we can discuss this later…?"
"No, discuss it now, I live for this kind of drama," Misora insisted.
"Nom-Nom!" Nom-Nom cried.
"Yes, does this mean you'll be marrying Queen Apista?" Jinx, perfectly balanced on top of her daughter's head, demanded.
"Well I have heard she's extraordinarily beautiful and she's an insect woman which kind of presses a lot of buttons for me wait hang on how you know her name?" Nushi demanded, flustered.
"Whose name?" Jinx asked, completely serious.
Wisely deciding not to engage, Nushi pretended the whole exchange hadn't happened. "Anyway, I'm a Nobel winning scientist who seeks to better the world by improving humanity to make us a more perfect species. I've already modified myself extensively using cybernetics, gene splicing, alien technology, and more than a little magic from my wife, and hope to convince others to undergo such treatment as well. It will drastically increase our lifespans, make us immune to most if not all diseases, keep us in the peak of health, and, most importantly, means we'll no longer be easy pickings for whatever alien invasion or evil organization decides to attack the planet every year since every citizen will be capable of defending themselves rather than relying on lone heroes or teams of color-coded fighters with giant robots to save us all the time."
"But I love lone heroes and teams of color-coded figures with giant robots," Lovekov protested, most of her classmates nodding in agreement.
"And magical girls," Rayco added.
"Like me-evo?" Evolto-Chan simpered, posing and causing a giant heart to appear behind her.
"No."
"Yes, I love them as well," Nushi admitted. "After all, I married one, but it's unfair for us to lay this on their shoulders all the time. Everyone has the potential to be a hero, and I want everyone to embrace that possibility."
"I don't-evo," said Evolto-Chan.
"Tough."
"A fine sentiment, Ms. Cheng," the Bishop Fangire said, dramatically entering the room.
"Father!" Neycombe said in delight.
"Wait, I didn't introduce you-" Ms. Takayama protested.
"Children!" Bishop declared, striking his cane against the floor. "Be honored! I am Bishop, the Mosquito Fangire! I serve as the right hand of our exalted King, Wataru Kurenai, overseeing the progress of all Fangires and their moral conduct."
"I thought his half-brother was his right hand-" Hazu said.
"No! Prince Taiga is his left hand! Left! I am his right hand!" Bishop insisted.
"It's best not to bring up Prince Taiga around my father, he's constantly worried the king favors his brother over him," Neycombe murmured to the others.
"I do not! I am completely secure in my possession! I have always been loyal! I never tried to kill the King!" Bishop snapped, wings fluttering frenziedly.
"I believe you, Kobu," Lovekov said honestly.
The Fangire managed to calm himself down somewhat. "Thank you, child. I can see why my daughter speaks so highly of you and has expressed a desire to wed you."
"F-FATHER!" Neycombe shrieked, aghast.
"L-love?!" Lovekov stammered.
"Oh, was she not aware of your desire to make her consort?" Bishop asked, surprised. "My apologies, I thought she knew… Along with most of your class."
Everyone stared at Neycombe, who hunched over in embarrassment. "Father, you're humiliating me…"
"Wait, you wanted to marry Lovekov? I wanted to marry Lovekov!" Said the startled Philia.
"Love?!"
"Me too! I figured we would just share her with her other girlfriends," Hislava said eagerly.
"Huh, and here I thought we were the only ones," Kyuko commented.
"Well, that gives us even more reason to enslave everyone in this classroom!" Nyaria said happily.
"KOBU?!"
"Is this drama enough for you mother?" Kaseihime asked her mother.
"Hell yeah. I don't suppose that you…?" Misora asked with a grin.
"They are already mine and don't even know it."
"Kobu Kobu Kobu Kobu! How many of you want to marry me?!" Lovekov demanded.
An embarrassingly large number of her peers raised their hands.
"KUZU!"
"Nom-Nom!"
"Pico!"
"JINX!"
Everyone stared at the Gangler. "What? I wanted to feel included."
Lovekov panicked. What would her mothers think of this? What would her girlfriends say?!
… Yeah, they would probably tell her to go for it. How long had she been the protagonist of a harem anime and not even noticed?
"Oh gosh, baby sis is going to be part of a harem, and so young too! It took me much longer to get promised to so many people when I was her age!" Slavi gushed.
"Are they… Old enough for this?" Asked a disturbed Mugensai.
"It's not like they're normal by most metrics, why should they be normal when it comes to romance too?" Misora said dismissively.
"Ha ha, they're all freaks-Evo!" Evolto-Chan laughed.
"Yes, and?" Izu asked.
"… Good question. Evo."
"Moving on," Ms. Takayama said, desperately not wanting to let this conversation go any further. "Kyuubi no Okami, who claims to rule most of the world in secret."
"And it's true," Kyuubi said as she sashayed into the room, much to the awe of most the class, who'd heard from Kyuko and Nyaria repeatedly that their mother was beautiful, but they hadn't realized she was this beautiful. "Hello, daughters, and future slaves of my daughters!"
"Hi mama!" The twins cheered, Usa twitching her nose.
"Do we, uh, get a choice in the matter?" Masaki asked hesitantly, raising his hand.
"No," Kyuubi said with a warm smile.
"Captain Goro Aori of the JSDF," Ms. Takayama said quickly.
"Dad!" The kittens cheered.
"Hey kids," Goro said, nodding to the triplets.
"Dad, are you going to shoot anyone today?" Mei asked eagerly.
"Of course not, it would be highly irresponsible for him to have brought a gun to class are you kidding me," Ms. Takayama shrieked as a sheepish Goro took out a gun.
"In my defense, I'm a soldier so I'm accustomed to carrying heat with me at all times, and it's not like I'm the only adult in this room capable of killing people, with or without a weapon, and you didn't ask them to turn over their transformation gears or potential weapons," Goro said defensively.
"Not that it would've mattered in my case-Evo!" Evolto-Chan pointed out cheerfully.
"I don't even remember how many things I've got in here," Jinx admitted, opening her safe and somehow sticking her head into her own breasts. It was quite a sight.
"… Anyway, next is Lilim Soul…oh Gardener really? Soulfucker," Ms. Takayama grumbled, conceding the point.
"That's your last name?" An incredulous Neycombe asked Cherubi.
"No, she just called herself that because she thinks it makes her sound cool," Cherubi said in irritation. "Which it doesn't. At all."
"Shows what you know. When you get to be my age, you may see things differently. Maybe even decide not to get your eyes removed like mom or Serafina?" Lilim commented with a smirk as she sauntered into the room.
"Wait, what's that about your eyes?" Asked the startled Rayco.
"It's no big deal. When my type of Angel reaches a certain age, we need to remove our eyes due to our angelic senses and powers coming in in a big way," Cherubi said dismissively. "Keeping them in can cause serious health and psychological issues due to sensory overload from difficulty processing that much information in addition to images from a no longer necessary organ. Sort of like how humans usually need to get their tonsils, wisdom teeth, or appendix removed at some point." She shrugged. "I admit it's a little weird, but take it up with the Lord, He's the one who designed us that way."
Lovekov wondered if would be rude to ask if she could have the eyes once Cherubi was done with them. Mr. George could probably make something really cool with them, just like the Chimera Drivers he'd made using Great Grandpa Giff's!
"Pfft, that's stupid, and another reason so many of us turned against Him. I never took out my eyes and I'm doing just fine," Lilim bragged.
"You joined a bad crowd, fell from heaven, are convinced Barbatos actually loves you, and think Soulfucker is a good last name," Cherubi said flatly.
"That's because it is!" Lilim insisted. "And Barbatos does love me!"
"Abuse isn't the same thing as love!" Cherubi yelled.
"It is when you're a demon!" Lilim shot back.
"None of my relationships are abusive, love," Lovekov spoke up.
"Stay out of this, squirt," Lilim snapped, causing Lovekov to whimper and start tearing up, much to everyone's outrage.
"You don't get to talk to my friend like that!" Cherubi shouted angrily.
"I'm sorry, but who is Barbatos?" A confused Philia asked.
"My sister's abusive boyfriend," Cherubi replied.
"He is not!"
"Yes, I gathered that from the context, I mean who is Barbatos," Philia emphasized.
"Barbatos is the 8th spirit named among the list of 72 demons in The Lesser Key of Solomon. According to grimoire tradition, he holds the rank of Duke, and (like the demon Buer) may appear when the sun is in the sign of Sagittarius. When summoned, he appears "with four noble kings and their companions in great troops". Barbatos grants the ability to understand the spoken language of animals, such as the singing of birds and the barking of dogs. He reveals hidden treasures that have been concealed by the enchantment of magicians, gives knowledge of past and future events, and reconciles disputes between friends and those who hold power. Barbatos has 30 legions of spirits under his command, and once belonged to the angelic order of Virtues," Hazu related.
Lilim blinked, surprised. "Uh. Yeah. What she said."
"Did you just get that from Wikipedia?" Mei asked skeptically.
"Yes," the HumaGear confirmed.
"Now Hazu, we've talked about using Wikipedia as a primary source of reference," Ms. Takayama chided the HumaGear. "I believe we've gotten distracted with this discussion of Lilim's personal relationships, which are her business and nobody else's, even if personally I do agree she's making a bad choice-"
"Hey!"
"So allow me to welcome Rainian Parasoleil."
"Hello, children," Parasoleil said, making as smooth and graceful and entrance as the Bishop.
"Greetings, mother!" Rayco shouted.
"Hello, Nobi! Now, how many of you children like giant robots?" Parasoleil asked.
"We do!" Nearly every student shouted, raising their hands.
"I don't," Jun said softly, and was completely ignored.
"Well, unfortunately I can't bring any into school grounds for obvious reasons," Parasoleil apologized.
"Awwww," everyone groaned.
"However, after classes are over, I can summon one to show off to you all!"
"Yay!" Everyone cheered.
"Did she just become most popular parent here?" Goro asked, feeling slighted, especially when the Rainian gave him a smug wink.
"I'm afraid so," Nushi grumbled.
"That's it, I'm getting my daughter a giant robot," Bishop decided. "And not from her company!"
"That's okay, we already have a giant robot, and Yoshi," Jinx said confidently.
"Nom-Nom!"
Jinx gasped in horror. "What?! Betrayal, from my own daughter?!"
"Nom-Nom!"
"Oh, yes, it makes perfect when you say it like that."
"Non-Nom!"
"Oh, also, I believe I heard that you're in the market for a giant robot repair service?" Parasoleil asked Mugensai.
The hamster gasped and angrily pointed at Rayco. "Traitor! Tattletale! Snitches get stitches!"
"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about," Rayco said innocently.
"Getting a little bit crowded in here…" Ms. Takayama murmured. "Next, we have Mamataros-"
"ASAGI! My name is Asagi!" Asagi shouted, storming into the room.
"Mamataros!" Masaki cheered happily.
"Hello darling. I mean brat! I told you not to call me that!" Asagi snapped.
"Whatever you say, Mamataros," Masaki said cheerfully.
"I hate you," she growled.
"No you don't," he replied.
She scowled at him, wishing he weren't right. Everyone giggled.
"And finally, Lord Giff – I mean, Giffrey Igarashi," Ms. Takayama said as Giff entered the room.
All the children stared at Giff incredulously, except for Lovekov, who cheered, "Great-Grandpa – I mean, cousin Giffrey!"
"Lovekov! My favorite great-granddaughter I mean cousin! Cousin! Don't tell anyone else I said that, even though they already know it is true," Giff said.
"Guys, this is my cousin Giffrey, who I've told you so much about, Kobu," Lovekov eagerly told her flabbergasted friends. "And he is absolutely not the demon king Giff, my great-grandfather, but my cousin, who just happens to have an astonishing family resemblance to him, and nobody is to question this at all, right?"
Bewildered and more than a little intimidated, her friends quickly murmured their agreement, except for an especially confused Philia. "Lovekov, what are you talking about? That's clearly the demon king Giff in a terrible disguise-"
"Sweetie, what have we told you about lying?" Nushi said quickly.
"Mom – I mean mom – DAMMIT you know I'm completely incapable of lying," Philia reminded her.
"Yes, but sometimes lying is important for the greater good, as awful as that sounds, so in a situation where people around you are lying for a good cause, what should you do?" Nushi asked expectantly.
"I hardly see how lying about this is for a good cause-" Philia complained.
"What should you do?" Nushi repeated insistently.
Philia sighed. "Keep my mouth shut?"
"Precisely."
"What are you talking about-" a confused Giff asked.
"Nothing! Nothing at all! So, Giffrey, what exactly is it that you do for a living?" Nushi asked quickly.
"Ah, well, you see…"
Giff froze. Wait. What did he do for a living?
Panic started to well up in him as he realized that he'd made a possibly fatal error when creating his carefully crafted secret identity. He had no job! If he had no job, everyone would think he was a bum and think less of Lovekov for being related to him, and worse, nobody would think he was cool! And if that happened, he would have no choice but to kill everyone to prevent this shame from becoming widespread, shower Lovekov with gifts to make sure she didn't tell anyone, and quietly move her to a new school and hope nobody asked questions.
He desperately racked his mind for a suitable career. Priest? No, he'd used that already for both Father and Sister Giffrey, he couldn't do it a third time – well, unless he played the part of Mother or Brother Giffrey at some point in the future, perhaps, but Cousin Giffrey? That would make no sense whatsoever!
He frantically glanced around the room, hoping that there were enough conveniently placed random posters or flyers he could use to cobble together a perfectly crafted backstory and career for himself, like in that one old movie he saw recently about how the devil's greatest trick was convincing the world he didn't exist, something about unusual suspects?
Unfortunately, while there were indeed plenty of posters, he found himself struggling to come up with anything useful, especially with all those children staring, watching, judging…
Thankfully, only seconds before he gave up and resorted to murder, the building trembled slightly. "Oh no, an earthquake! What an inconvenient interruption to take everyone's mind off the fact that I have not explained what I do for a living yet!" Giff said loudly.
"That… Is not an earthquake, I'm not picking up any seismic activity-" Izu started, only to gasp, her ear modules flickering.
"Izu?" Giff asked in concern.
"I… I've lost my connection to Zea!" Izu cried.
"So have I," said the alarmed Hazu.
"Why do I have no signal? We are nowhere near a dead area! I would have refused to come to this school if that were the case!" Neycombe shrieked, shaking her phone.
"Oh fuck, it's the fight with the Hundred-Eyed Titan all over again," Misora groaned, feeling a huge headache as the voices of Mars faded away.
"I told you darkness was going to fall, mother," Kaseihime said brightly.
"Would've been nice if you explained how," she griped.
"I… Oh. I don't… Feel well…" Kyuubi said faintly, staggering, and would've fallen to the floor if Goro and Bishop hadn't valiantly grabbed her before she could hit the ground.
"Mama?!" the twins cried.
"Ugh… I'm feeling kind of… weak too… Evo…" Evolto-chan groaned.
Philia suddenly let out an ear-piercing scream. "They're GONE!" She shrieked. "Everyone's gone! My mother, my friends, the Divine Insects, the entire Hive… The Buzzing has gone silent! It's just me in here! I'M ALL ALONE!"
"You're not alone, love, we're all here!" Lovekov cried, trying to get through her, but Philia kept screaming and sobbing, closed off to everything around her, not even noticing when Mugu and Nushi tried to hug her.
"What the heaven's going on?!" Lilim demanded.
"Whatever it is, it's not very funny," Jinx complained, hugging a wailing Nom-Nom.
"Our powers are being dampened somehow, and our connection to the outside world has been cut off," Giff quickly deduced. "But who-"
"Big sis, what's that?" An anxious Hislava asked, staring out the windows.
Everyone turned to look. It was only then they noticed that the light from outside had taken on a reddish hue, and discovered it was because the entire school had been enclosed in a dome-shaped force field made up of what looked like transparent barbed wire.
"I… I don't know," Slavi replied, startled.
"That's a new one for me too, which is weird because I've been just about everywhere-Evo," Evolt remarked in surprise.
"Likewise," Giff agreed. "I mean, obviously it's some sort of force field surrounding the entire school, but I've never seen one like this."
"It does not resemble anything the Ark has fielded in the past, and I do not detect its malice," Izu reported.
Giff sniffed the air. "Yes, it's disappointingly malice-free."
"It's certainly not one of ours! As if I'd let anyone down under near my little sis!" Lilim said indignantly.
"Really? Even if your boyfriend asked you to?" Cherubi asked harshly.
"That's-!" Lilim opened and closed her mouth a few times, flustered, clearly not sure how to respond.
"It's just like the gypsy woman said!" Veila wailed.
"I really must kill her one of these days," Neycombe snarled.
"Shitsuki will help dispose of body," Shitsuki said, raising an ax.
"Why do you have that?!" Goro demanded of his offspring.
"Why does father have gun?" Shitsuki retorted.
"I'm an adult with a license to carry, it's not the same thing!"
"Shitsuki has license," Shitsuki said, holding up a piece of paper.
"… Do I want to know how you got that?" Goro asked in resignation.
"No," Shitsuki said plainly.
"You really don't," Jun whimpered.
Kyuubi's eyes widened in disbelief. "What? But that's… That doesn't make sense…"
Ms. Takayama gasped in horror. "No! That's… A Jyamar area? Why? We are not part of the Desire Grand Prix! This school is off limits!"
"You're right, this isn't the Desire Grand Prix. It's still your show."
Everyone whirled around to see that a frowning man in a purple tuxedo had appeared in the back of the room, a cold look in his eyes as he glared at them all. "It's just about to have a Bad End, that's all."
Screaming at the top of their lungs, the Igarashi family – and associates – charged into the building, slamming the incredibly heavy, 4 foot-thick metal door into place and locking it just before something very big and very strong slammed into it hard enough to knock them all off their feet. An inhuman roar made the room tremble, and something started banging and scratching on the door, trying to get in.
So far, it wasn't getting anywhere.
The gathered Riders – and demon queen, and Ampaz – collapsed on the floor, taking a moment to catch their breath.
"GODDAMN," George shouted finally.
"It had faces for eyes!" Vice screamed, still shaking in terror.
"My attacks barely scratched it! I know I still haven't regained my full power, but surely I should've done more damage than that!" An aghast Astarte declared.
"Did anyone else hear it asking if you knew how you would die?" Tamaki queried.
"Yeah, I didn't know if it was asking or telling me," said an incredibly disturbed Ampaz.
"I'm almost starting to regret not pulling Lovekov out of school after all," Sakura admitted. "I really could have used her power back there."
"You still could," Hani suggested.
Sakura shook her head. "No, I don't want her anywhere near a place as awful as this unless we have absolutely no alternative."
"Agreed," Hana immediately concurred.
"Dad… What the hell was that thing?!" Ikki demanded.
"Your guess is as good as mine, son," a horrified Genta murmured. "I don't remember seeing anything half as bad as that back in the day. Do you, Vail?"
Vail shook his head. "No. Which either means we missed something back then – which is fully possible, there were lots of secret labs and hidden vaults we probably never saw – or…"
"They're evolving," Hiromi said grimly.
"Goddamn," George repeated.
"Still, at least we're safe in here, right?" Ryu said hopefully.
It was at that moment they heard a couple dozen guns being cocked.
Slowly, they turned around to see a rather large group of mercenaries in body armor pointing rather large and nasty weapons at them.
Everyone glared at Ryu. "Oh come on, you can't pin this on me!" He protested.
"We can and we will," Vail said bluntly.
"Rookie mistake, kid," Hiromi said, shaking his head wearily.
One of the mercenaries lowered his gun and laughed. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the Igarashi family and their associates. Bet you weren't expecting to see me here, siding against you, did you?"
Everyone exchanged confused looks. "Should we… Know you?" Ikki asked.
The mercenary tsked. "Come now, surely you recognize an old friend!"
He pulled down his face mask, revealing-
Daiji found himself increasingly on edge the further they went down the secret passage.
It was dark. Very dark. And far more than simply the absence of light, too. This darkness was oppressive, closing in on him, crushing him beneath what felt like millions of tons of weight-
Wait, was he claustrophobic? Is that what he was experiencing? The tunnel was rather small and deep underground…
No. It was more than just that. Everything about this place felt wrong.
"I don't like this."
"Neither do I," Daiji agreed.
"Who are you talking to?" Asked a concerned Akaishi.
"What? Didn't… Didn't one of you guys say something?" Daiji asked, alarmed.
His three companions, almost invisible despite the meager light produced by their Gundephone50s illuminating as much of the space around them as they could, shook their heads.
Oh.
He was going insane.
"Eh, not exactly. Getting there, though."
Oh, because that was reassuring-
Hang on. That voice… Was that-
Azuma cursed as he nearly tripped over his own feet. "Dammit, Akaishi, would it have killed you to install some lights in here?"
Akaishi stopped so suddenly that the other three nearly crashed into him, which would be disastrous in this darkness. "Hey, what gives-"
"I did install lights."
Everyone froze.
"You… Did?" Azuma asked slowly.
Akaishi nodded, equally slowly. "I did. They should've turned on automatically when we entered the tunnel. Unless… Karizaki, did you-"
"No, the only thing I changed was the entry code," Matsumi said, and Daiji imagined he was probably turning pale underneath that mask.
"Maybe… Maybe something happened with the wiring? Or the bulbs died?" Daiji offered hesitantly, not really believing his own words.
"The contents of this tunnel should have withstood a nuclear bomb getting dropped on it," Akaishi whispered. "Which I more than once contemplating doing and am very strongly considering again now."
"Then why are there no lights?" Masumi asked, also in a whisper, instinctively feeling, just like Akaishi, that this was not the time or place to be speaking at full volume.
Slowly, everyone turned their phones upward.
Their flashlights illuminated a broken bulb.
As well as claw marks.
The four of them were silent for quite some time.
"Masumi," said Akaishi. "The demons shouldn't have been able to get to this tunnel."
"No, they shouldn't have," the masked man agreed.
"And yet, it would seem that at least one has."
"That appears to be the case, yes."
Daiji quickly moved in front of Masumi, shifting his Gundephone50 into its gun mode and pointing it straight ahead. "Professor Karizaki, stay behind us, we'll protect you-"
Something horrible lunged out of the darkness.