I am alive! Thank you for being patient with me! (And thank you Benslerfan4ever for always making sure I am actually still alive!) my daughters thirteenth birthday is in a few days and I got caught up trying to finish a custom paint job on the guitar she asked for for her birthday. I'll post a picture of it as my profile picture so you all can check it out if you are wondering what kept me so long! (She loves Taylor swift so I painted the guitar face with imagery from her album covers and lyrics.)

Her head pounded as her world came into focus. Morning light illuminated her room, but she had no memory of falling asleep. Her phone laid on her bedside table, next to some Tylenol and water. She jolted up, realizing someone had to have put it there. Her head whipped around, and she finally noticed her blonde friend hanging out in the chair situated in the corner of her room.

Amanda flipped aimlessly through a book Olivia kept on the table, "Stabler called," she said simply.

Olivia rubbed at her swollen eyes. "He shouldn't have." She was fine. She felt like she had a hangover, but she was fine.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Yeah. He should have." Liv opened her mouth to say something, but Amanda cut her off. "Don't bother saying you're fine." Her eyes bled empathy. "He told me what you talked about, and I know for a fact you aren't fine."

"Maybe not," Olivia admitted. To be honest, she felt better than she thought would. Maybe it was the release of years of pent up emotion. She brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "Is he okay… you know… after everything?" She worried about him nearly as much as he worried about her.

"He sounded," Amanda paused as she searched for the right word, "tired. Not just because it was late. More like…"

"Mentally tired." Olivia finished.

"Yeah," Amanda confirmed. "I don't blame him though. All of that…" she let out a low whistle. "It's a lot to take in."

Olivia nodded. She knew exactly how difficult it was. Amanda only knew Elliot on the most basic level. She didn't know him like Olivia did. She didn't know how much Olivia worried over him. What brash actions he might take, or what self-destructive behavior he might fall into. It was more than a lot for Elliot. It was devastating. "He shouldn't have bothered you. I'm okay. Really." She tired an unconvincing smile. "He shouldn't have dragged you away from Carisi and the baby."

Amanda waved her off. "I was awake anyway, and it gave me an excuse to get out of the apartment." She let out a long sigh, "I love the time off with the baby, but being home full time is…"

"Exhausting?" Olivia asked with a smile.

"Yeah," Amanda smiled back. "In a different way you know?"

"I can imagine," Olivia conceded. She glanced around the room briefly and then asked, "how long have you been here? This is all a little creepy by the way."

"Yeah yeah," Amanda rolled her eyes. "God forbid people take care of you." She chuckled lightly. "I got here around 3am I think." She rubbed her temples. "I'm not totally sure. These days kinda blend together," she admitted.

"He really should have let you sleep." Olivia tried to stuff down hee frustration.

"No, it's fine." Amanda's eyes took Olivia in seriously, "I know the flashbacks can be hell. He didn't want you to be alone, and honestly I would have felt guilty leaving you alone."

"I was fine." Olivia insisted.

"Sure, but what if you hadn't been?" Amanda gave Olivia a genuine smile. "He cares about you Liv. I do too. Just," she waved her hands in frustration, "let us care about you."

Olivia sighed and leaned against the headboard. "I'm not great at that."

"I know," Amanda almost laughed.

"I don't know if I can change though. I'm just used to…" the thought was depressing. Depressing, but true. "I'm alone. I mean I have Noah, thank God, but other than that…I don't know if I know how to be somebody's somebody."

"Would it help if I told you that I felt the same way?I had the girls, but," Amanda shrugged, "I didn't trust anyone enough for them to be permanent. And then when I did…" she smiled to herself, "when I did, it scared the hell outta me."

Olivia released a long exhale. "I…God. I'm a grown woman, and this still scares the hell outta me. I hate that I want it so bad and…"

"There's so much to lose." Amanda finished for her. "But Liv?" Olivia's attention settled fully on Amanda. "I wasn't sure about Stabler in the beginning, but that man loves you. I know he was stupid, but…" Amanda bit her lip nervously, "people make mistakes. Big ones. But if you don't give this a shot…a real shot…you're going to regret it for the rest of your life."

Silence passed between them for a moment. She was right of course, and Olivia did trust him. If she learned anything about herself and them, it was that she could trust him again. But…there was always a small doubting part of her that worried he would leave, and all the pain of the past would flood back with full fury. She shifted uncomfortably. It was probably time to move away from this conversation. She glanced at her phone, noting the time. "I probably need to check in at the office…"

"I'm sure Fin has it under control." Amanda knew exactly what Olivia was doing.

"Probably, but he's going to ask about everything, and I ll not sure I want to talk about, you know, any of this." Olivia rubbed her forehead. The pounding headache was increasing in intensity.

"He'd understand if you took the day…" Amanda suggested.

"No. I'll go in. I need to do some follow up on a few loose ends on the case we just finished up. I have a few things I have put in the back burner that need to get done."

"Okay," Amanda said hesitantly. She likely knew there wasn't any way to talk Liv out of working even if she thought taking a day would probably be best.

-000-

Olivia resisted the urge to contact Elliot throughout the day. She wanted to at least text him, but she hesitated. She still wasn't completely sure of the parameters of his assignment and whether or not she would place him in a compromising position while contacting him during the day.

Logic told her he was fine, but she honestly couldn't remember exactly how they ended their conversation the night before. She fell asleep sometime after they finished talking about the hospital visit after her rescue, and she didn't remember when she fell asleep.

He managed to send Amanda to her apartment to check on her, but who was checking in on him. Her stomach churned at the thought. He was UC and while Olivia trusted Sergeant Bell, she knew no one would ever had his back like she would. She considered checking in with Bell, but that could potentially open a can of worms and a flood of questions she wasn't interested in answering.

She would have to trust him. Trust his CO. And hope that despite everything, he would keep his promise tk not do anything crazy.

Sometime after lunch she reasoned that he was fine, after all, he handled much of their previous conversations without incident, and thankfully, the day passed quietly, and she was able to complete some much needed catch up work from the weeks previous. She even made it out of the precinct at a reasonable hour.

She arrived home to a quiet apartment. Noah was soaking up the last few days of summer and was basically couch surfing between friends' houses. It made for a quiet lonely evening, and normally that would be fine, but her body still reverberated with tension and anxiety from the night before.

She ordered some take out, and left the TV on for background noise while she ate. She wasn't really interested in what played on her TV. Her life was far too busy to keep up with the storylines of popular tv shows.

After a long tense night with little sleep, followed by a worry filled day she felt the need to decompress and opted for a soak in her tub. However, a thirty minute soak in warm water with various bath salts did little to soothe her tattered nerves. Eventually she gave up, deciding to try some melatonin laced tea and hope for the best.

Just as she began soaking her tea bag her phone began to ring. She hoped to God that it wouldn't be work. She had a knack for tucking uncomfortable feelings away for the sake of the job, but she was mentally exhausted and not up for going back to the office.

She reached across the counter for her phone, and relief flooded over her when she read the name on the screen. Elliot. She quickly swiped her phone screen to answer the call.

"Hello?" She couldn't contain the note of hopefulness in her voice.

"Hey," he responded. "You gonna let me in?"

Her brain struggled to process what was happening, "What?" Let him in where? Figuratively. Literally. She was so damn tired and she had no idea what he was talking about.

There was a lightness to his voice, as if he was mildly amused by her confusion. "I'm outside your door… but I could go home…" he teased.

Her brain suddenly caught on and she hurried towards the door. "I'm coming," she reassured. She smoothed a hand over her damp hair, and reminded herself that it was just Elliot and he had seen her in every state over the years. Hell, just the night before she stood in front of him, shirtless, literally bearing her deepest scars, left in her darkest moments. Still, she couldn't help feeling a little self conscious as she approached the door in her joggers, t-shirt and wet hair.

She ended the call before letting out a long breath. Her hand reached out for the deadbolt, unlocking it before she turned the knob and opened the door.

And there he stood, hands deep in his pockets. Looking perfect. Looking like everything she ever wanted. She cursed the weakness in her knees, and leaned against the door to stabilize herself.

He couldn't contain his smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He was hurting, but he was happy to see her. She knew the look. It was the same look he had given her day after day when his marriage was in shambles. It was the look that made her feel seen…trusted…maybe a little loved. Because even when his world crumbled around him, he was happy to see her.

She couldn't help returning the smile, even if it felt weak and exhausted. She tilted her head towards the inside of her apartment, "Come in?" She tentatively reached out for him, and he took her hand without hesitation.

She stepped back, and he followed her in, never letting his eyes leave hers. The door clicked shut behind them, and she suddenly felt nervous. Standing in front of her was the man she had wanted for decades. The man who was off limits. The man who she had just spent weeks talking to about the darkest times from both of their lives. The man she loved.

He kept his hand in hers, while they stood, neither quite sure what they wanted to say. Thousands of questions flew through her mind, the first of which would be how he was there, but she didn't ask any of them. Instead she leaned into him, letting her cheek lay flat against his chest. His arms encircled her, and for once someone was holding her up. For once, someone was carrying her weight, and for once, someone was shouldering some of her burden. She felt tears sting the corners of her eyes as she savored the warmth of the man who had always held her soul in his hands. She felt his lips fall on the top of her head as he nuzzled his face against her damp hair. "I missed you," his voice came out low and warm. "God," his voice became thick with emotion. "I missed you so much."

Probably one more chapter MAYBE 2! I have loved writing this one!