Chapter 4: A Mortifying Business

Draco dragged himself into the guest house, feeling like he weighed an extra hundred pounds. Some of that came off as he took care of the pressing physical matter at hand, although guilt filled the cracks left behind by depleted desire. It didn't combine very well with Draco's still-tingling skin.

"Hi," Draco gloomily greeted Leon when he curled up at his side in bed.

Leon purred in response. He eventually drifted off, and Draco sighed. He almost wished his parents were here, so he could ask their advice on how to handle tomorrow. Then again, after trying to imagine telling them he'd groped someone and had been pushed off, Draco's want for his parents evaporated. He wished there was somebody else he could ask, but anyone older or more experienced than him was very far away. An owl would never make it to Britain and back by the time he next saw Blaise.

The sky was starting to lighten up when Draco finally fell asleep. Draco got up past noon, washed, and dressed for the heat. The first person he ran into inside the main house was 'Abay.

"Ciao," he greeted her.

"Ciao, caro mio," she replied with a smile.

"Dov'è Blaise?" Draco asked.

He understood enough Italian to grasp that Blaise was downstairs. Now, was Blaise in his room because he was hiding or because he still slept? Draco migrated back toward the guest house, but hesitated when he saw that the windows in Blaise's room were open. After working his bottom lip over it, Draco decided to bite the bullet.

Flowerbeds separated the footpath from Blaise's windows. Draco felt like a bit of a weirdo to step around them, especially since one of the windows looked directly down on Blaise's bed.

Blaise laid there on his back with his hands behind his head. He looked in rather deep thought before his gaze snapped to Draco.

Draco rested his jaw in one hand as he leaned on the windowsill. "Hi."

"Hi." Blaise looked at Draco in mingled surprise and reservation.

"Bad time?"

Blaise shrugged. "Not really."

Bottom lip between his teeth, Draco slowly nodded. He would have rather gotten a firm yes or no, but maybe it was good enough that Blaise didn't tell him to go away. "I'm sorry about last night."

"About all of it?"

"No," Draco quickly answered. "Just, erm—where it went wrong. Where I went wrong."

Blaise studied Draco for a long moment. "Was that all you'd wanted from me?"

Draco furrowed his brow.

"To. . ." Blaise trailed off, looking embarrassed as he gestured a hand indicatively between them.

"Oh—no," Draco said. "I mean, I wanted to, but not only that."

"That's not what all of yesterday was about?"

"No," Draco said again. "That's what you think?"

Blaise eyed Draco a little warily. "You know I have feelings, so it would be pretty easy to get it from me. Wouldn't it?"

"That's not it at all."

"Then what is it?"

"I have feelings too," Draco told him. "Is it not obvious?"

"I've messed up before on that," Blaise said. "I have a hard time trusting I'm seeing things right."

"Well, you were," Draco replied, unable to help sounding cross. "Apparently it's been obvious to everyone else too. Aurora told me it's painful to watch."

Blaise pursed his lips. "Been meddling, has she?"

"If that's what you want to call it." Draco shrugged. "Mind, I'm glad she did, because I wasn't getting anywhere on my own. I couldn't tell what you wanted. I didn't want the rest of my time here to be awkward if I guessed wrong." Draco's stomach sunk as he thought that through. "But maybe that's what's going to happen anyway."

Blaise came up into a kneel at the windowsill. He mirrored the way Draco leaned on it, although curled a fist into his cheek instead.

"It doesn't have to," Blaise said. "I can't really guess what goes on in your head, though. I've never been very good at it."

"Me neither, for you," Draco replied.

Blaise studied Draco again. "You said you have feelings?"

"It's bad, honestly." Draco's cheeks felt warm to put that out there, but Blaise smiling helped temper his nerves. Draco mustered the courage to add, "I want to be your boyfriend."

"I want to be yours too," Blaise said, making Draco's heart go mad. "But, erm. . ."

Draco's mouth dried.

"Could we go a little slower than last night?"

"Oh." Draco blinked. "Of course."

"Obviously I've liked you for a long time." Blaise turned sheepish. "I haven't done as much as you have, though."

"That was as much as I've ever done."

As soon as Draco said that, he felt like he'd put his foot in his mouth to bring up that he'd done anything at all with another boy. Blaise, however, turned a cautious form of curious. "So you and Finch-Fletchley never. . .?"

Draco shook his head.

"Okay." Blaise toyed with his bottom lip. "I'd wondered if maybe that's why things went how they did, last night. Because you were used to it."

"No, that was just. . ." Draco trailed off. "I did want it. I thought you did too."

"To a point."

"Right," Draco quietly replied.

Blaise toyed with his lip some more. "I didn't want to leave you standing there like that. I was embarrassed."

"Why?"

Blaise stared at him, and Draco thought again of the sound Blaise had made, how his hips had jerked, and how he'd quickly gone still. Away from the heat of the moment, it seemed rather obvious.

"Oh," Draco said.

Blaise rubbed a hand down his face with a long exhale. "Yep."

Under any other circumstance, Draco would have been beyond delighted to know he'd made that happen for Blaise. Having been pushed away changed that.

"I'm sorry," Draco said again.

"It's fine," Blaise replied, although he wouldn't quite meet Draco's eye.

"We don't have to talk about it, if you'd rather not."

Blaise moved tentatively closer in the windowsill. "It's honestly just strange to talk with you like this about anything at all. I never thought I could, whether because I might ruin things or because I already had ruined them by being an idiot before. Does none of that bother you?"

"It would make me a hypocrite if it did, wouldn't it?" Draco asked. "All this, and it's been going on for a long time for me too. Almost a year."

"I wish I hadn't cocked up back then," Blaise said with a sigh.

Draco shrugged. "Did you? Here we are."

Blaise ended a fresh study of Draco with a long, unabashed look at his mouth. Draco leaned closer, and they ended up meeting halfway. Draco's stomach exploded from just a simple press of the lips. Their kiss lingered, and then Draco and Blaise themselves did when they broke apart.

"So just to be clear, then," Blaise said. "Are we going together?"

Draco grinned. "I want to, so if you do. . ."

"I do," Blaise replied without hesitation.

Draco leaned in to kiss him again, unable to resist. Now that he didn't have to worry anymore about whether Blaise wanted this, Draco could focus on what Blaise wanted. Last night had drawn a fairly clear picture of Blaise's boundaries, and a gentle snog was well shy of them by Draco's reckoning. A content sigh as Blaise melted into it confirmed that. Draco melted too when Blaise tentatively touched his tongue to Draco's bottom lip, and the two of them were a bit lost from there.

Blaise was the one to break it, looking a bit forlorn as he glanced around the garden. It occurred to Draco too then that they'd been snogging where someone might have seen them. Draco doubted them being spotted to have been the case, however. He'd bore witness to the immediacy and quantity of teasing that came of two kids being caught canoodling in the village.

"Hey," Blaise said. "Come inside."

Draco used the stone edge of a planter as leverage to hoist himself up into the windowsill.

Blaise snorted. "I meant the door."

Draco shrugged, then smirked as he pulled his sandals off to toss onto the bedroom floor. "I'm already up here."

Regardless that Blaise shook his head with a spurted exhale, he moved aside. Draco shifted backward until his tailbone passed the sill's edge, and let himself fall back onto the bed. He landed on the soft comforter with an oof. His feet remained at sill level, beside which Blaise sat against the wall. Draco took the closest of Blaise's hands in both of his own and toyed with his fingers.

"Do you know what I wanted more than anything else, last night?" Draco asked.

"What?"

"I wanted you to stay with me," Draco told him, stomach fluttering. "To sleep beside me in my bed."

Blaise shifted so that his shoulder touched Draco's calf. "Were your parents only gone for the one night?"

Draco nodded.

Blaise ended a hum with a brief press of the lips. "Too bad."

Draco had thought so much lately on how to get this far that he hadn't much considered what came after. Some of the things Father had told Draco when he got The Talk started to make a lot of sense. Consent is respect. Boundaries are respect. Love is respect.

"Is this something you want to keep quiet?" Draco asked.

Blaise furrowed his brow. "Why would I?"

"Just curious." Since Justin had wanted to—and because it was for the best that Draco kept him secret—it was a question worth asking. "I don't. I know my parents will approve. Our friends will probably just think it's about time, yeah?"

Blaise snorted. "Yeah."

"Have you talked to anyone about this?" Draco asked. "Back home, or anything?"

Blaise shook his head before resting it against the windowsill. "Aurora asked before you arrived if I wanted her to help me. So much for telling her no, if she went to you anyway."

"To her credit, I think that was more to do with me than you," Draco replied.

"Maybe." Blaise pursed his lips. "She's still a meddler, though."

Draco exhaled a spurt of air through his nose, amused.

"My mum and Gianmarco like you, but they might worry." Blaise grimaced. "You've hurt me before."

A small weight made itself known in Draco's stomach.

"But I think if Mamma didn't want us around each other, she wouldn't have invited you and your parents to visit," Blaise replied. "I was a little surprised she did. The holidays are usually very sacred to her. They're a time for family, since we don't live here anymore."

"We haven't gotten in the way, have we?" Draco asked.

"Nah."

Blaise shifted to lay beside Draco. His fingertips brushed the skin at Draco's hip through his shirt's thin fabric. Draco enjoyed it for a moment before inching closer. Blaise met his eye and, just because he could, Draco kissed him.

They ended up laid flush, Blaise's arm draped over Draco's waist. The comfortable silence was occasionally punctuated by more affection. Draco's stomach fluttered every time Blaise initiated it.

"I'm going to tell my parents when they're back from Rome," Draco said.

"I'll tell Mamma at the same time," Blaise replied. "And Gianmarco, if he's back from work yet."

"When should we tell our friends?"

Blaise hummed, then smirked. "They can find out when they find out, can't they?"

The fact that Draco hadn't had a decent night of rest crept up on him. He'd half-drifted off when his shoulder was shaken.

"Come up here," Blaise told him.

Draco shifted his head up to the pillows, along with Blaise. He woke up later in a tangled mess of limbs. At some point, either he or Blaise had pushed the blanket off. One of Draco's arms had turned into a pillow for Blaise. Blaise's arm and leg were thrown haphazardly over Draco, and Blaise's cheek situated against his chest. He was still asleep.

Draco was content to lay there, especially when through the process of getting more comfortable Blaise ended up somehow even closer to Draco. Draco's heart felt so light about it all—as though it might just break free of his chest and flutter away.

Blaise started to draw deeper breaths, and the arm draped over Draco gained some life to it. When Blaise ran his hand down Draco's back, Draco nuzzled the top of his head.

"Any idea what time it is?" Blaise asked in a sleepy voice.

"No."

They laid there like that for a while. Blaise snorted when Draco's stomach growled.

"I'm hungry too," he said.

"All right."

They disentangled. The day was getting on, and now Draco started to wonder if their lengthy absence had been noticed. Had anyone come looking for them while they slept? Had Mrs Zabini poked her head in the room? Had any kids peered in the window? Would anyone see them coming out of Blaise's room together, looking ruffled and barely awake?

The downstairs was empty. Mum sat on the balcony upstairs with Mrs Zabini, each of them with a coffee. Mum looked very relaxed and had a bit of a glow about her. The two of them spoke in low tones, almost giggling, although stopped when they spotted Draco and Blaise.

"Hi Mum," Draco greeted her. "How was Rome?"

"Gone in a flash." Mum reached over to run her fingers through Draco's hair when he took the chair beside her. "How was the party? You don't look as though you got into any trouble."

"I think we were back by. . ." Draco looked at Blaise, who shrugged. "I think it was about one o'clock when I crawled into bed."

"You had fun?"

"Yes, and I finally got to try 'Abay's tiramisu."

Mrs Zabini laughed warmly, eyes crinkled. "What did you think?"

"Obviously it's the best dessert I've ever ate."

Mrs Zabini glowed with second-hand pride at that, and Draco became aware all over again that he needed more than ever for her to like him. He caught Blaise's eye. Ought they tell their mothers now?

Mum was too busy talking about Rome for Draco to interject. He started to get the feeling too that Mum and Mrs Zabini had been talking about things not suitable for Draco and Blaise to hear. Considering his parents had spent a night alone on their wedding anniversary, Draco had a vague suspicion of the subject. He eventually poked Blaise in the arm to see if he wanted to skip out of the conversation.

Draco didn't cross paths with Mum again until after dinner. She and Father had settled on a sofa in the guest house's living room. Father sat in loose demeanour with Mum's feet in his lap. Mum rested her head against the back cushion. Her eyes cracked open, coming to focus on Draco.

Feeling rather awkward, Draco stood at the room's centre with his hands behind his back. "I need to tell you both something."

"Oh?" Father perked, curious.

Draco took a breath to steady himself. "Blaise and I have decided to go together."

Father blinked. Mum's eyes crinkled, although she pressed her lips to suppress her smile. When she and Father looked at each other, they both seemed amused.

Draco wasn't sure if he should be annoyed or nervous. "What?"

"Why such a formal announcement?" Mum asked, and then her smile fully emerged. "Or is there more than that to tell us?"

"No, that's all," Draco replied, gaze darting between them. "Why's it funny?"

"It's not funny," Mum said. "It's sweet. Come sit down."

Draco gravitated toward the chair next to Mum, but didn't take it. "If it's not funny, then why are you laughing?"

"Well, good lord, Draco," Father said. "You can't honestly think this is coming out of the blue to us."

Lips pursed, Draco toed the floor. His face grew warm. God, how did they always manage to find a way to make this sort of thing so bloody embarrassing?

"You're a very expressive boy." Mum took Draco's hand. "And you're quite clearly taken with him."

However much blood heated Draco's cheeks, he also couldn't quite help but smile. He toed the floor again, too embarrassed to look at either of his parents.

Mum squeezed his hand. "There's nothing quite like your first love, is there?"

"Mum," Draco said, trying for stern but failing. "Stop it."

"You two are obviously very happy."

"Mum."

"Give him a break, Narcissa." Father wiggled his fingers against her toes in a tickle, making her jerk her foot away. He smirked when Mum clicked her tongue. "Take a seat, Draco. We ought to revisit the more practical aspects of all this."

Suppressing a groan, Draco dropped into the chair. "I remember everything you told me at Christmas."

"I'm glad to know you were listening, despite the theatrics," Father replied. "So tell me, then—what do you say if Blaise wants to do something that you don't?"

Draco stared at the ceiling, his tone monotonous. "Tell him no, or to stop."

"And what do you do if Blaise says he isn't interested in something that you want?"

"Stop."

"What ways are there to tell he doesn't like it, that don't include him saying so?"

Draco couldn't believe this was happening to him. He also hated that he could now answer this question from experience. "He might go stand-offish or still. Push me away. Seem annoyed or upset."

"Does Blaise have to say anything, for you to know you're to stop?"

"No."

"Do you?"

"No," Draco repeated, then glanced toward his parents. "But I will. I've no problem speaking my mind."

"It can be harder when feelings factor in, though," Mum said. "You'll keep that in mind?"

"Yes," Draco wearily replied.

"Your father and I weren't much older than you are now when we started dancing around each other the way you and Blaise have been," Mum said. "You can always ask one of us for advice, if you need it."

"Right." Draco blocked out any thoughts about his parents doing anything like what he'd been up to, lately.

"There are some things you'll have to take into consideration that we never did," Father said. "For one, that you and Blaise share a dorm at school. You'll want to be respectful to Theodore, Vincent, and Gregory."

"Yeah." Draco was back to looking at the ceiling.

"You understand why we're telling you all this, right?" Father asked.

"Because maybe if you embarrass me enough, I won't do anything at all with Blaise?" Draco replied in a flat tone.

Mum laughed, and Draco could hear the same sort of amusement in Father's voice when he answered. "No, because we know how counterproductive it is to tell you what to do—or what not to do. You're going to do whatever you want, so the only way we're to sleep at night is knowing that you're going about those things the right way."

"We don't want to see you hurt," Mum added. "We want you to be able to take care of yourself."

"And Blaise," Father said. "It wouldn't befit you as a Malfoy to be anything other than proper with your lover—"

"Ugh!" Draco couldn't hold it in anymore. He slid down in his seat until he nearly laid flat, hands over his face. "God, is this over yet?"

"Settle down, Draco. It's just sex."

Draco groaned again, louder than before.

"He has a point, Lucius," Mum spoke. "Weren't you just as horrified to hear this from your father? I remember wanting to disappear into the floor when Mother sat me down."

"I suppose," Father agreed with a sigh.

"And it wasn't just sex, at Draco's age." Mum smiled at him. "It's still mysterious and intimidating. Isn't it, darling?"

Draco screwed up his face in response. If anything was making it intimidating, it was this bloody conversation.

"I think you are trying to scare me out of it," Draco accused them.

"Don't be ridiculous," Father kept on in that stern yet blasé tone. "Life is simply too short for bad sex."

"Stoooop!" Draco moaned, and slid just a little further down in the chair.

"Keep on like that, and you're going to be on the floor shortly," Father said. "Sit up. There's really no need to act this way."

"You're so embarrassing." Regardless of the protest, Draco pulled himself out of his nearly-horizontal position. He resituated facing his parents and hoped that all of his displeasure showed in his frown. "Why do you have to keep saying things like that?"

"Because it's true, and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Honestly, how did you suppose you came to be here?"

Recollection of having overheard them at it the other day added an extra degree to Draco's exasperation.

"Would you rather we treated it like some dirty thing?" Father raised his eyebrows, thumbs moving idly in the arch of one of Mum's feet. "What good would that do for you? You might be mortified right now, but I'll tell you that it's leagues better than shame or guilt."

As much as Draco hated to admit it, that struck a chord with him.

"You asked me once if I cared that Blaise is a boy, which means you've been getting ideas from somewhere else what's right or wrong in these regards," Father said. "No son of mine will be made to feel inferior. You're a Malfoy. The world bends to you, not the other way around. We make the rules. We always have, and we always will. Do you understand?"

"Yes," Draco answered.

"Then you'll have to forgive the various preparations that come with a position like that," Father told him. "And, with that, the things that make it bearable, enjoyable—simply worth it. What use is power like that if all it does is leave you lonely? Cruel? Unable to express something as simple and vital as love? To accept it?"

With as much value Draco placed in his personal relationships, loneliness more than anything else terrified him. He felt the sudden urge to gather all the people in his life into one room, just so he could see them and know that they were there. Even more than that, Draco wished to slip out of the guest house and go see Blaise.

"I get it," Draco said, albeit with hesitation as he stood up. "It's all still embarrassing to hear from you, though."

"And likely will for a few years yet." Father smirked. "You're not a child anymore, though certainly not an adult. We have your best interests at heart. Surely that's not embarrassing?"

Draco shook his head.

"Are you off to bed?" Mum asked.

"Er—yeah," Draco said. "I'd only wanted to tell you that."

Regardless, Draco lingered. There was something else he considered asking, now he had no reason to believe his parents would strike it down without consideration. It too was embarrassing for its connotations, but could be so worth it if his parents said yes.

"I was curious then if sleepovers are allowed?" he asked, managing not to cringe. "We aren't doing anything, but we kipped together earlier and. . .it's nice."

Mum and Father looked at each other as if they had a wordless conversation. Ultimately, Father shrugged at Mum.

"If you want to, you're likely going to regardless of what we say when you're back to school," Mum said. "If you and Blaise slept together earlier and nothing happened, both of you must understand you don't have to do more than that if you don't want to?"

Draco nodded, feeling a too-familiar heat in his cheeks. "We're not ready."

"There's no reason for us to say no then, if you've already had that conversation with Blaise." Mum smiled. "Mind, Luzia will have to be all right with it, as well."

"I know." Draco took a slow, deep breath. "All right. That's all I wanted to say."

"Good night then, darling."