John Phoenix was on the internet one day researching ways to make money quickly. One search result told him to invest in Bytcoin, which must be highly outdated because John Phoenix took down Bytcoin years ago.
"Ah, here's a reputable source," said John Phoenix and he read an article that said the key to obtaining infinite wealth was hidden somewhere in Hawaii.
John Phoenix packed his suitcase. He packed it with clothes. He even squeezed his Uncle Phoenix inside too.
"Where are we going John Phoenix?" said Phoenix
"We're going to Hawaii," said John Phoenix.
"Uh but John Phoenix isn't tourism in Hawaii frowned upon?"
"We're not going there on vacation you stupid uncle, we're going there in search of infinite wealth!"
"Oh that's fine then John Phoenix. I can't wait to get infinite wealth. You'll share some with me, right?"
"No."
John Phoenix flew to Hawaii with his uncle in tow.
"Where to first, John Phoenix?" said Phoenix.
Just as he asked that, John Phoenix's phone started ringing and he answered it with a "Hello?"
"JOHN PHOENIX HELP ME I'M IN JAIL," said the voice of his friend Ichiban Kasuga.
"Not now Ichiban, I'm in Hawaii."
"THE JAIL IS IN HAWAII!"
"WHAT!"
John Phoenix ran to the jail in Hawaii and Ichiban was in there, but more importantly, he was naked! He had no clothes on except for a necklace and a little vial hanging around his neck.
"Ichiban where are your clothes?" said John Phoenix.
"I don't know I woke up on the beach and they were gone, now the police are calling me a streaker!"
"Okay Ichiban. I will prove to the court you are not a streaker. Is there anything else you're accused of?"
"No," said Ichiban and some psychic locks appeared.
"Ichiban tell the truth."
"Sorry John Phoenix," said Ichiban and the psychic locks had been shattered! "I also tried to break out of jail and I sent the guy who arrested me to the hospital."
"Based."
John Phoenix signed the documents to become Ichiban's lawyer. Then, just as he was about to leave, his uncle started tugging his sleeve.
"Hey, John Phoenix, what's that box in the corner for?" said Phoenix Wright and he pointed at a locked treasure chest at the back of the visitor's room.
John Phoenix tilted his head sideways. His uncle asked asked a good question. What was something like that doing here?
===AT THE TRIAL===
"Court is in session for the trial of Ichibuns Cocksuga," said the judge. "Prosecutor make your opening statement."
"Right away, sir," said Prosecutor Izumida, the prosecutor from Judgment. "Ichiban Kasuga is renowned as the Rock Bottom Dragon but today he is known for his bottom because he showed it off to everyone at the beach."
"AND he punched me!" said a policeman with bandages over his face.
"Objection!" shouted John Phoenix. "Stop lying, trolls. Everyone did NOT him naked!"
"Yes they did!" said Izumida and he called everyone to the stand.
===WITNESS TESTIMONY===
"We saw Ichiban naked on the beach, we even have video footage to prove it!" said everyone.
Everyone presented a trailer for Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth that showed Ichiban naked.
"OBJECTION!" shouted Ichiban. "This video is conveniently hiding Ichiban's dick!"
The police began sweating.
"W-We just censored it for the kids," said the bandaged policeman.
"That's a lie! Because there aren't any children here!" said John Phoenix.
"What about you? You're three years old," said the judge.
"No, I'm biologically 25!" said John Phoenix. "The actual reason his crotch his obscured... is to hide the fact that he doesn't have a dick!"
John Phoenix pointed at Ichiban and everyone finally noticed that he did, in fact, not have a dick! Actually, John Phoenix had taped a piece of skin-colored paper over his dick to make it look like it wasn't there.
"What is the meaning of this?" said Izumida. "Has Kasuga undergone sex reassignment surgery?!"
"Nope," said John Phoenix. "He's actually not naked at all! HE'S WEARING A SUIT THAT MAKES HIM LOOK NAKED BUT HE'S NOT ACTUALLY NAKED BECAUSE HE HAS A SUIT ON! Which means he's not a streaker."
"Wowwwww good job John Phoenix," said the judge and everyone applauded him for this breakthrough.
"OBJECTION!" said Izumida. "If Ichiban wasn't actually naked, why would they arrest him?"
"Clearly the policeman had an ulterior motive," said Ichiban. "Ichiban must've had something he wanted!"
"And what's that?" asked the cop. "I'm not interested in skin suits!"
"I don't know, but I know how we can find out... by examining him!" said John Phoenix and he started scanning Ichiban's exposed body.
"Woah John Phoenix don't ogle me so closely!" said Ichiban but John Phoenix ignored him. He noticed there was a thing around his neck.
"You mean his necklace?" said Uncle Phoenix.
"No, uncle! This!" John Phoenix took the little vial that was hanging around Ichiban's neck.
"Oh, Sawashiro gave me that but I'm not sure what it's for," said Ichiban.
John Phoenix smashed it open!
Inside there was a key. What could the key be for? John Phoenix had a hunch. He took everyone to the detention center where the locked chest was still sitting.
He put the key into the lock and turned it and it opened!
"Unbelievable! Ichibuns had the key to that chest all along!" murmured the judge.
John Phoenix opened the chest and inside was a giant sack that said "infinite wealth." This was it! The key to infinite wealth really was in Hawaii, and it was in his friend's possession the whole time!
"I'll be taking that now!" said the policeman with the bandaged head!
"You will? Why?" asked Ichiban.
The policeman tore the bandages off his face! IT WAS DYLAN FITCHAR!
Dylan snatched the sack out of the chest!
"My goodness, somebody stop that menace!" said the judge, but it was too late to do that!
Dylan Fitchar ran away!
"Ah, Dylan Fitchar's got the infinite wealth!" cried Uncle Phoenix.
Dylan Fitchar tripped over his shoelaces!
"AHH SHIT!" Dylan cried out as he fell over and the sack flew out of his hands and fell into the crater of a volcano. "THE INFINITE WEALTH! NOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Shit! The infinite wealth's gone!" said Ichiban.
"Don't worry Ichiban, we have true infinite wealth right here: our lives and all our loved ones, which are far more valuable than money," said John Phoenix, and he was right.
The End