Chapter 1: Prologue

A Brief Author's Note:

This fic is set between BotL and TLO, maybe some time before "The Bronze Dragon" tale and it won't follow an exact chronological line. As point of views change, so will the narrative and the point where the story is, as I'm not very brilliant, the story probably won't get complicated. There will however be a lot of flashbacks as some of the characters try to explain how they got to certain points. I usually don't divide chapters by putting "Jane Doe's POV" or something like that; you can guess who it is easily enough by reading the author's notes, chapter tittles and musical quotes.

Clarisse's Chapters will usually have hair metal and punk music quotes before they start.

Silena's Chapters will always have sappy pop, country and whatever sort of romantic music quotes before they start.

Chris' Chapters will have alternative rock or humorous quotes before their start. Except for the prologue which has no quotes at all.

That been said; try to enjoy my attempts at writing a good story.

Also, this fic has itstitle based on the classical Doris Day musical "Calamity Jane", in which a rude, no-good, tomboy Jesse James has to share her house with a chorus girl and they end up becoming great friends and finding love (in a very non-lesbianic way, might I add).

Calamity Clarisse

Prologue: A Daughter of Aphrodite Hands Me Her Modern Guide to Love and Romance

I guess most people would think "Hey, that boy just spent the last year or so stuck to a bed and all; feeling depressed and out of his mind, having delusions and crying for help! He must be thrilled to get a second chance to enjoy life! I bet he's trying to live his life to the fullest, making every second worth it, blah blah blah carpe diem, blah blah blah…", right? The truth, however, can be quite disappointing.

Thing is, I have this theory I was some sort of extra lazy drakon in a past incarnation, you know, cause I happen to be this awfully tall person who hates the summer heat and its never ending sunlight burning through my eyes even when I'm trying to take a good afternoon nap. Plus, I tend to become extra dangerous to anyone who tries to wake me up even though I'm aware of how awkward it might look to anyone who finds me lying on the ground since I'm known to stretch my arms and legs as far as I can very shamelessly (which, I admit, isn't much of a drakon-ish thing to do since they don't have, like, limbs and stuff).

You know how some people are always saying: "Don't be ashamed! Just dance like there's nobody else in the club; just forget there's a crowd watching and sing your soul out, have fun with it!"? Well, I sleep like no one's watching. And, believe me, I don't even need to feel sleepy at all, I can simply say "time for a nap!"; lay down and bada bing, bada boom: comatose!

So, since I got back from the not- so -dead, I've been mostly napping in the strawberry fields (you see, much like a drakon as well, I chose unorthodox, humid, dark places to hide when in need to hibernate). So, unless Beckendorf and Annabeth Chase request my presence in the Mess Hall to discuss the maps and architecture to the "Princess Andromeda" (they're already planning attacks and turns out it's quite handy to have a former traitor nearby to give some insight on the bad guys) or I manage to find Clarisse in a moment when she's not busy with training her cabin (which, funnily enough, seems to be happening more and more scarcely), I just hide in the strawberry fields and nap 'till one of the Demeter kids trips on me, waking me up (which is generally followed by violent acts from my half asleep self and the Demeter kid running for their life).

So the facts are; I'm pretty much doing the same things I did before I went through all that life-threatening stuff a couple of years ago. Actually, just the other day, Katie Gardner tripped on me and I instantly flinched and assumed fetal position. Katie's pretty short and petit but the few times she had been the one to discover me in the fields had caused me a whole lot of pain; unlike most Demeter kids, Katie wasn't scared of finding me, she actually seemed to enjoy coming up with punishments to my laziness and disrespect of sacred land (I'm telling you, for Demeter kids, all you need is soil, animal poop and a few plants and the whole place becomes a freaking temple or something); she once used a taser on me, no kidding. All in all, I'd say she's not very fond of our cabin.

Anyway, just the other day, Katie tripped on me and, before I could beg for mercy, I looked at her face and she was like crying. Maybe it's 'cause being in the labyrinth made me all grown-up and stuff or maybe it was just condensed guilt for causing trouble to so many people but I immediately felt very, very bad:

"Oh, Katie, I…I'm sorry!" I wasn't quite sure what I was apologizing for but if life had taught me anything it was that when Katie Gardner got mad enough to cry, it didn't matter whether you knew what you had done or not, you better say you're sorry before she makes you feel sorry. "I…I'll just stand up and leave, ok? There's no need to cry." I started standing but she just shook her head and said:

"No, Chris, stay." I flinched again; she was so gonna step on me or kick dirt on my mouth. However, she just kneeled down next to me and hugged me. "I'm so happy you're back, you know? I'm sorry I've done such awful things to you in the past." A mature person would say: "Oh, Katie, please, don't say such silly things! I'm the one who made all of the mistakes; I'm sorry to have caused you trouble, to have betrayed camp and to be an overall awful sort of unpleasant, gigantic person", I, on the other hand, said something like:

"Does that mean I can sleep here whenever I want from now on?"

"Of course not! Get out of the fields; you're crushing all the crowns!" And she slapped me out of the field which was quite annoying 'cause I had to wait for more than an hour before she left and I could sneak back in.

I didn't get much sleep after that though. I tried really hard of course, but after about ten minutes I felt something poking me on the back. I didn't move hoping that, whoever it was, would think I had died or something (it totally works with dryads; it's amazing) but the person wouldn't give up:

"Wake up!" Said a female voice. It wasn't exactly familiar; I recognized it but it also sounded a little unreal like the voices you hear in dreams. Putting two and two together, I had my answer: dreamy voice, pointy thing poking in my back were probably heels… daughter of Aphrodite, of course! Who else would wear heels in a strawberry field? I turned around even though I already knew who it was; I recognized her voice and, honestly, no Aphrodite girls talked to me (Aphrodite boys, on the other hand, were quite friendly; always waving and batting their eyelashes at me. A bit awkward, if you ask), so the only possibility was their counselor, Silena Beauregard who had to talk to everyone.

"Silena?" I grunted. At first I thought she was going to yell at me something like "I hope you wash your hair before getting anywhere near the insides of your cabin!" because that's just like her but instead she threw books at me.

Large, heavy books; four of them.

"What the Hades!" I yelled and she just sighed impatiently and pointed her index finger to my face as if accusing me:

"You like Clarisse La Rue!" What do you say to this sort of statement?

"You like Charles Beckendorf!" Yeah, take that, Beauregard, payback is a bitch. Silena rolled her eyes at me:

"Well, duh!" She shrugged. " Now, listen, Chris…" Let me just reinforce here the fact that I had never talked to Silena Beauregard before, aside from the times she yelled at our entire cabin for not caring at all for organization, hygiene and all that stuff and now I have to have my nap violated, books thrown at me and listen to some nonsense rant from her. Still, she's quite hot, so I wasn't going to be rude or anything. I just sat there and listened.

"We both know Clarisse is avoiding you, right?" Was she? I mean, I'm a guy, I don't really get things. Silena just went on and on about how Clarisse was, why Clarisse did this and that…Did Silena even know Clarisse at all? What sort of twisted reality was this I had been thrown into after regaining my sanity?

"She's avoiding me?"

"Shut up and listen!"

"Ok." Look, I don't argue with pretty women; it's a personal rule.

"It has to come from you, you know? I've recently came to realize there's no changing to that stubborn girl!" Yup, found this out ages ago, I actually own a shirt that says the exact same thing. "So it has to come from you."

"Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute; what has to come from me?" She looked, if possible, even more impatient; she started tapping her Christian Louboutin at me, making a thousand little clouds of earth .Yes, I'm aware that was quite a exquisite thing to know as a 19 yeard old straight male, but as an Hermes' son, I'm good with naming what's expensive and what's not. Thief thing, you know?

"Isn't it obvious, Chris?" I didn't want to sound stupid so I said something extra clever:

"Uuuh…"

"Ugh!" She stamped her foot at once and I coughed with all the dust that got into my mouth. "Just read these! Do your part: research!" She pointed to the four books she threw at me. They weren't even in Greek, by the way.

"What are these?" Silena's expression changed at once; her eyes sparkled and her smile came through shinning like a thousand suns and I got a little dazzled for a second.

"These…"She said bending over to grab one of the books and caress it as if it was a cute puppy. "Are the modern teenager guide to love perfection."

"Hm, sure." Psycho.

"I mean it, Chris! Usually, I wouldn't bother enough to lend these books but I really took up as my mission to help the two of you after what I saw the last few months." I felt my ears burning a little; Silena's smile became a kinder one as she kneeled next to me. Coming to think of it, for her to even get her shoes dirty like that, it was already of the nicest things I had seen her do:

"I know it's tough for you, Chris, I understand how it feels…I mean," she suddenly looked a little hesitant. "I understand how it might feel to have skeletons in the closet, we sometimes feel…unworthy." I felt my heart contricting; this was the true gift of Aphrodite children after all. They saw things nobody else did, before everyone else, they just realized things better. They also looked great in pink but that's a bit weak compared to the rest, I think. Silena put her hand on my shoulder:

"I'll help you, ok? I'll help you with...her." She gritted her teeth, it certainly sounded like she had already tried to talk to Clarisse. If there was something I could recognize from afar, that'd be the side effects of a face to face interaction with spear girl. "But you have to do your part; I need you to read these and work your best to be like…" she sighed in a very Disney princess sort of way. "Him."

"Him?" I was back to looking stupid.

"Edward, of course!" Edward? I looked down at the books and felt a hole opening on the ground beneath me, sucking me slowly into the emptiness. It was already torture to force a demigod to read a book in anything but our "mother language" but to force me to read "Twilight"…

"Sorry, Silena, if only you had suggested this a couple of weeks ago, you know?"

"But a couple of weeks ago you were still, you know, mad!" I did my best "My point exactly!" face. She glared at me.

"Don't you dare not to read these!" She said handing me the book she had on her hands. "They have all the answers you'll need for every female heart in the world."

"Yes, right, female hearts! So how will this ever help me with Clarisse?" She slapped my shoulder but I could tell she was trying not to laugh. She stood up at once and, with her hands on her hips she said:

"From now on, I want you to ask yourself "what would Edward Cullen do?"whenever facing a difficult time with Clarisse. So you better get on with your reading! And I want them back as soon as you finish so make sure none of siblings steal it!"

"Oh, don't sweat it. I'll hide these books very, very, very well." Mostly because I'd like to keep my reputation as a heterosexual. She smiled triumphantly and sighed:

"Well, good luck to the both of us!" She turned around and left; her hair dancing gracefully behind her back. Not that I watched her go or anything.

I then tried to read the books. I went as far as the five first chapters (it only took me a thousand years), gave up and read a few synopsis on Wikipedia, then I'd just make one or two comments about the books when around the girls from the cabin (sometimes all I had to do was randomly say "Robert Pattinson!") and they'd all go ballistic and rant for hours to each other; after a couple of weeks, I had all I needed without having to actually put myself through all that pain. I then returned the books to Silena Beauregard ( and by "returned", I actually mean waiting 'till everyone was asleep, sneaking inside the Aphrodite cabin, leaving the books in her bed – after, of course, cleaning all of my digital prints – and leaving without a sound). The next morning, while I was on my way to the strawberry fields, she ran towards me:

"So, did you learn anything?"

"Sure!" I said with a smile. I wasn't lying, I had, for instance, learned that anyone can get published; seriously,anyone. Literature failures aside though, having Silena Beauregard point a finger at my face and say "You like Clarisse La Rue!" made something inside of me snap.

About three things I was absolutely positive: First, Clarisse was a daughter of Ares, the god of war. Second, there was a part of her– and I'm pretty sure that part is quite dominant, I'd say around 99% – that thirsted for my blood and pain. And third, I was probably still a little insane 'cause I might indeed like her.

A/N:A prologue that turned out to be longer than what I expected. A lot of Twilight jokes on this one, don't get offended if you're a fan; the POV's change and so do opinions. Next chapter will probably be a very delusional narrative from Silena's POV. Reviews are more than welcome, just so you know!