Chapter Forty Three

Warning:
This chapter contains stories/references to past and current abuse. Also contains references to implied rape and references to the death of a child that was killed years before the start of the story.

If you do not feel comfortable reading any of that, please skip to the notes at the bottom of the chapter for a recap of the chapter.

"What were you doing?!" Selethen yelled as loudly as he dared, turning to Nel, enraged.

"I-I-I was d-dropping off a report f-for-" she stammered out before gasping, "The report! It's on the floor by the doorway! He'll know I was there!"

"He's going to know soon enough, the guards will tell him." Selethen said quickly, eyebrows still furrowed in anger, "Nel, how long were you there?"

"N-Not long, a few minutes." she whispered, looking away. Selethen put his hands on the door on either side of her head, almost glaring at her, and she knew he wanted a better answer.

"You had just told him that we'd have kids in our own time. He was very angry. You refused to give him another answer. Those were the first things I heard."

"So you-" his breath caught, eyes filled with fear instead of anger now.

She nodded, "I heard the threats. And the first slap. I saw the second."

Panic filled his face and Nel brought her hand up to cup his cheek, her thumb brushing near, but not quite touching, the cut on his lip. He flinched away at the contact.

"Sele-"

"Don't." he said quickly, "Don't try to make this better. Please."

"Why not?" she asked, "This…This is wrong. This isn't ok. He can't get away with treating people like this."

"Except he doesn't treat people like this." he sighed, leaning against the door and sliding to the ground. Gingerly, Nel knelt down in front of him, listening as he kept going, "He treats me like this. No one else. And normally it's worse, much worse. A couple slaps to remind me of what he could do instead…that's practically nice for him."

"Selethen, I-"

"Just…don't Nel. Please." he sighed, pleading.

Her heart broke again at the sight, "I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't."

"Why not?" he repeated her earlier question.

"You said it before," she whispered, moving to his side and grabbing his left hand with hers so that their wedding rings were right next to each other, right where he could see them, "We're family now and family comes first. If the roles were reversed would you be able to just walk away from this? Just let me keep getting hurt?"

There was a very pregnant pause as they looked at each other before he finally sighed again, "No, I wouldn't."

"Then don't ask me to do that. Not after everything you've done for me."

"I haven't done anything for you though. I've just made your life worse."

"No." she said vehemently, shaking her head, "You haven't made my life worse. You could never do that to me. Besides, after what you just said to Atanyan to protect me, how can you possibly think you haven't done anything?"

Selethen sighed again, choosing not to argue with her. Instead he lifted his arms up and around her, pulling her close. She responded eagerly, curled up into his side with her head buried in his neck much like they had been this morning.

Had it really only been this morning? It felt like much longer.

"You should hate me. I never told you what he was ordering me to do. I tried telling you, but I just couldn't do it. You asked me not to hide anything from you, but I've been hiding this since we met."

"I could never hate you." she reassured him, "In your place, I probably would've hidden it too."

"You'll forgive me, just like that?"

"Of course. You're my husband. Besides, it's not like you wanted to hurt me. I heard you. You refused to follow his orders. To make me do something I wasn't ready for."

He scoffed in disbelief, "How are you so accepting right now? No one should be able to take it this well."

Nel was silent for a long moment, letting out a deep breath before she answered, "The most important reason is that you need me to be strong right now. If you want a different reason, I'd say that I've already seen a lot of horrible things. As a physician, you see a lot of things you wish you hadn't. As a ranger's daughter, I heard the worst news growing up. My dad doesn't believe in sugar coating anything. It's-Life can be horrible and most of what I've seen and heard still terrifies me, but I've learned to cope. I struggle with people, not bad news. As much as I hate it, this isn't even the first case of abuse that I've seen."

"This isn't abuse." he protested, flinching at the word.

"It isn't?"

"No." he shook his head quickly, "It isn't. I've seen abuse too Nellie. That's not what this is."

"Then what is it?" she asked, holding his hand a little tighter. He squeezed back gratefully.

"Training. And punishment." he cleared his throat uncomfortably, "This is just Atanyan's form of punishment when I don't listen to him."

Nel took another deep breath, knowing that he wasn't going to want to hear what she said next, but also knowing that it had to be said, "He's punishing you for refusing to rape me. He's hurting you for not hurting me. He's trying to threaten you into doing the wrong thing. If that isn't abuse, then what is it?"

Selethen didn't respond, practically burying his face in her hair.

"I know it's hard." she whispered soothingly, "No one ever wants to admit it, that they were hurt by someone they cared about and trusted, but it's not your fault Sel. You did nothing wrong, I promise."

He gave a shaky chuckle, "You've never called me that before."

She sat there in confusion for a moment before realizing what he meant. "I-I heard Aloom call you that. I guess it just slipped out. Sorry, I-"

"I like it." he muttered, "My parents used to call me that all the time. Now only Aloom does. I miss it."

"Then that's what I'll call you."

"It was my grandfather's name, did you know that? On my father's side. Apparently he was-"

"Sel," Nellie pulled back just enough to look her husband in the eye.

He was shaking, tears barely held back by sheer willpower, and, for the first time since they'd met, he actually looked truly afraid.

Gently, she cupped his face again, whispering, "It's ok."

He broke, clinging to her like she was the last person on earth, like he was terrified she would leave the second he let go, the sobs ripping through his chest.

Nellie just held him through it.

An hour later they were curled up on the bed, Nel's shirt soaked through from Selethen's tears. His head lay on her chest, his breathing starting to even out, but his nose was still stuffed up from the hour he'd spent crying. The crying had made him feel a little numb.

Nel was running her fingers through his hair and up and down his back as she held him, the movement both soothing and relaxing.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." she was saying softly.

"I want to." he said.

And he did. It was a strange feeling, wanting to share something like this, but he did. The words, the story, they felt like a pressure in his chest, trying to burst out. They felt heavy and he was tired of carrying it around. For once, he wanted someone to know. He wanted her to know. She'd still end up hating him. She'd be disgusted by him. He knew that.

But he was tired of the effort it took to hide it all. One person could know, right? And after the conversation she'd overheard, who better than Nellie? She deserved to know, it involved her now.

Yes, she'd end up hating him and leaving, but at least he could finally have a clear conscience. He could finally feel guilt free around her. It was selfish. A stupid, selfish reason.

He didn't care. He wanted to be selfish.

"I won't force you to." she told him, "I've been a hypocrite, there are things I still haven't told you either, things about my family."

Like he cared about that. She could have all the family secrets she wanted. Besides, once she knew everything and decided to leave, secrets wouldn't matter anymore. She may even be safer for it. She'd realize that.

"I want to." he repeated.

Nellie nodded, "Ok."

"If…If you don't want to know-"

She silenced him with a kiss to his forehead, "I want to know whatever you're willing to tell me."

Selethen hugged her a little tighter at that, squeezing his eyes shut before he began.

"Growing up, I never thought twice about spending time Atanyan. He was like my uncle. He was so close to my parents; I don't think they really knew what he was like though. I don't think they would've left me with him if they did. I don't want to think that they would've.

"After they died, nothing really changed. Yasmine was the one who raised me, took care of me. Atanyan had never really liked kids, so it's not surprising. It wasn't a bad life, not by any means. Then…Then the Emrikir died.

"I had never met the man, but everyone knew the story. His wife had died giving birth to their second child, who didn't live a week after that. His firstborn was caught up in the worst sandstorm they'd had in years. He was eight years old and, well, they never found him. So, when the Emrikir died, all the Wakirs and Wakils came together to decide who would take over the position. They chose Atanyan. I was 13 years old.

"Everything changed after that. Atanyan started watching me during my lessons, making comments here and there about how I should improve. As time went on, his comments got harsher, crueler; he began demanding, ordering. I wasn't the best in my studies, but I certainly wasn't the worst. He wasn't happy though. One day, a couple months into his rule, he called me into his office. I thought it was to yell at me some more and that was partly true."

Selethen took a deep, shuddering breath. This was where the story went bad and he clenched his eyes shut again, not wanting to see her reaction. Nel just kept holding him, fingers still running through his hair.

"He'd seen me spar the day before. I'd lost the match and he was upset by it. Said that his ward needed to be strong, the best, perfect. How everything I did reflected on him now. He couldn't afford to have anyone make him look weak. It…It was the first time he hit me." he whispered, feeling Nel tense.

"You were 13…" she said softly in disbelief.

"He didn't care." he told her, "He was angry, so angry. He punched, kicked, did anything he could think of. People thought I was brawling in the streets. Atanyan took the story and ran with it, said I was fighting with anyone I met. Said if I told anyone the truth it would get worse, but that was ok, I didn't want anyone to know. Not even Aloom found out.

"It never stopped. It kept getting worse. He never did anything that left a mark permanently and it was always different. He liked making me guess what he was going to do. If I guessed wrong, he would do both, his plan and my wrong guess. I had my shoulder dislocated and was almost drowned in less than an hour. Those sorts of things."

"That's horrifying. How could he do something like that?" she sounded angry.

"He said it was to make me strong. It was either punishment or training. If he thought I failed that day, I'd go the next day with no food. I starved for just over a week once. He had to stop then for a while because a doctor finally started asking questions. I saw that doctor everyday for two weeks. Then, he just disappeared. Training started again the next day."

"He-"

"I don't know. Probably. I asked once. Got left out in a sandstorm for it."

"A sandstorm?!" she yelled.

Selethen just nodded. All in all, that hadn't been his worst punishment. All Arridi knew what to do in a sandstorm from a young age.

"I tried to escape when I was 15. I thought I would run away, stowaway on a boat or something, maybe live on the streets. Anything would be better than where I was. I never made it out of the city. Atanyan caught me, locked me in the dungeon for a month. I still don't know what he told people about that. Probably paid off the guards.

"After that, I just didn't care. I did whatever he asked, didn't fight the punishments or training. Around the time I turned 20, he started to train me less and less. By the time I was 22 it was only once a month or so. He said I'd gotten better, fallen into place. I thought it was over.

"So, I signed up for the army. I was tired of only sparring and doing drills. I wanted actual experience and, more importantly, I wanted to finally get away. He almost killed me when he found out, strangling me in my sleep. Said I deserved it, I hadn't asked permission to leave.

"The day before I left he took me aside, down to the dungeons. He…He had this little boy down there, locked up and looking only a few moments away from death, starved. Atanyan said if I died in the army, he'd start training this boy like he did me. If I didn't die, then whatever injuries I came back with, he'd give the boy, only worse.

"I worked my hardest, fought like I never had before. I went back after a year. He'd made me keep a list of every injury I got, said if I lied then he would kill the boy. What was supposed to be my freedom was only some twisted mental game. I had gotten hurt three times in the past year. Sprained my wrist, a concussion, and a scratch on my leg.

"...He cut off the boy's hand, stabbed his leg, and bashed his head into the jail bars. He made me watch. The little boy, couldn't have been more than 12 years old, an orphan off the streets, he never stood a chance. I buried him that night."

Nel brought a handkerchief to his face. Strange, he hadn't even known he was crying again. His chest just felt so…empty.

"I never disobeyed again. I always asked permission. I was the perfect soldier, never questioning him. I was rewarded for it. I was made Wakir, got to marry you. The more loyal I was, the better my life. The only thing he didn't have a hand in was my position as Captain of the Guard. I haven't gone against him in years…until I met you."

"Sel, I-" she tried but he cut her off.

"I couldn't let him hurt you. He told me to sleep with you the day I arrived in Araluen. He didn't care that we weren't married, but I argued otherwise. I said it was too risky. Your family was already suspicious. It was better to wait. Besides, you…you just looked so terrified of me. There was no way I could force you like that, none. I used every excuse I could to get him to drop the subject. He never did, but he didn't push like I expected him to. I think he knew that with your family glued to your side like they were then, it would be too difficult, raise too many questions. He didn't stop ordering me though. Every conversation we've had since I arrived in Araluen, he's demanded it."

"Wait, the other day, your stitches-" her breath hitched as she realized it.

He gave a miniscule shrug, barely moving his shoulders, "It's not that big a deal."

"Yes, it is! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I never wanted you to find out about any of it. He seemed so nice in Araluen, that was all I wanted you to think of him." Selethen whispered, "I grew scared, terrified. I thought he might threaten you if I didn't sleep with you. Thought he might hurt you. I didn't want any of that, I just wanted you to feel happy and safe here."

"Is that really why you never married?" she asked softly, "Because you were afraid of what he might do?"

Selethen gave another shuddering breath, nodding slightly, "I couldn't risk him killing someone else because of me."

"Then why did you marry me?" she wondered.

"Nellie, I…I've seen him do a lot of bad things," He clung to her a little tighter at those words, "and I've seen other men follow his orders without question. No matter what, you were getting married for the sake of that damn treaty. If I refused to marry you, he had other men lined up who would've listened to him. Yes, I want to help my country and stop the Temujai, but that wasn't the only reason I agreed to marry you. I've never lied to you about any of that, all of our conversations were the truth, but it was also more than that. I thought you would be miserable, be in more danger if I didn't marry you. I put you at risk, but I honestly thought that I was keeping you safe."

"At your own expense."

"That doesn't matter."

"It does to me." she said firmly, "Selethen, I don't want you getting hurt because of me."

"And I can't let him hurt you because of me." he said just as firmly, but looked up at her pleadingly, "He's flat out ordered me to get you pregnant. It's the first time in years I've refused him, but I don't regret it Nel. I can't regret it because it gave me you. I would make the same choice over and over again."

He saw the tears start to pool in her own eyes and he waited for her response. For her to say what a coward he was, how she hated that he'd lied to her and hid things from her, how she couldn't be with a man who might get her killed because of his selfishness, how no one could love someone so broken, how she would just leave with her father to Toscana. This was the first time he had ever admitted, even to himself, that Atanyan had…abused (he flinched again) him. How was she supposed to just accept that? Especially out of nowhere like this?

He just wanted one part of his life to be separate from Atanyan. One part of his life that was happy. One part that didn't hurt. Why couldn't that have been his marriage? The two of them were so happy yesterday. He wished he could go back to that. Or, better yet, that they had never come to Mararoc, but the thinly veiled threat with his invitation had him traveling to Mararoc before he knew it. Just one happy thing and-sands, was she kissing him?!

Selethen pulled away quickly, looking at her in shock. Disbelief. Confusion. A thousand unnamed emotions played across his face.

"I don't hate you." she said before he even opened his mouth, "I could never hate you and I will tell you that every single day until you believe it. I am not going to let you blame yourself for all of this, none of it was your fault. You do deserve to be happy and I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make you realize that, to make you happy, I promise."

How had she-wait, had he said all of that outloud?!

Nellie kissed him softly again, "I'm not going to let him hurt you ever again. We'll figure this out together. I'm not leaving you, ever. I promise."

For the third time that day, tears began to fall from his eyes, only these were tears of relief. She knew. She knew and she wasn't leaving.

It had been years since he cried this much, but he found that he didn't care. If his past hadn't scared her off, crying certainly wouldn't, especially since he saw tears of her own starting to fall.

Leaning forward, he kissed her, murmuring a soft, "I love you." against her lips.

Nel smiled, whispering, "I love you too." before kissing him back.

Chapter Recap:
Nellie gets Selethen to admit that what Atanyan is doing is abuse.
Selethen tells Nellie his full story; when the abuse started, what it was, everything, including a time when Atanyan blackmailed him with an orphan from off the street. Atanyan later killed the child to keep Selethen in line. All this happened years before the start of the story.
Selethen also explained that Atanyan has been ordering Selethen to provide an heir with Nellie since before they were married. Nellie references this as rape.
Selethen starts to have very negative thoughts about himself and how he will never be wanted or loved. Nellie stops this and reassures him that he is loved and deserves to be happy, that none of this was his fault.
The chapter ends with them admitting that they love each other.

I know that this chapter was very dark and I'm sorry if anyone was triggered by anything in it. Once again, I promise, eventual happy ending.
I should also let you know that I have a very busy few weeks coming up and so I probably will not be able to post for a while, at least with this story. I may post an update on my other story, but no promises.
Thank you all for reading!