A/N: Deeks gets some much needed therapy.
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Over the years, Deeks has encountered his fair share of therapists, counselors, and psychologists. As a kid, he'd hated sessions with a burning passion, and he'd been in his teens before he understood that therapy actually helped. Six years ago, he'd found Helena Samuels, the first therapist who he felt completely comfortable with.
Instead of the usual overly neutral aesthetic that seems to feature varying shades of white and beige, succulents, and uncomfortable chairs, Helena's office is painted a warm blue that reminds Deeks of surfing. A single beach picture decorates one wall, while the rest of the space if devoted to her children's artwork. He always likes to check out the new additions.
Today, however, he's more on edge than usual. It's only been five minutes, and he's already run through his breathing exercises three times. Even though he's shared more with Kensi than he'd ever anticipated, he still hasn't told her everything between him and Sylvia. The thought of baring it all now, even with someone he trusts, brings on a cyclical wave of shame, anxiety, and nausea.
When the door opens a minute before the start of his appointment time, he's worked himself down to a jiggling knee.
Helena Samuels is tall with silvery blonde hair, and angular features. Her lined face creases with a welcoming smile.
"Marty, it's been a while."
"Hey. I guess I'm like a bad penny," he says, covering his discomfort with a joke and a smile.
"I thought we talked about using self-deprecating comments to hide your true feelings," she reminds him.
"Yeah, old habits. Not gonna lie, as much as I appreciate you, Helena, I wish I wasn't here."
"I understand, and it's not the first time I've heard that, but remember that I'm only here to help you," she says, taking the seat opposite him. She squeezes his hand briefly. Now, tell me what brought you back. Your background form was a little light on details," Helena says. He sees her eyes linger on his face, but she doesn't make any comments or assumptions.
"Well, there's not really a great way to ease into this." Deeks exhales slowly, rubbing his palms down the length of his thighs. "I, um, I've been involved in a domestically abusive relationship for the last year, which culminated in an incident where my ex-girlfriend…did this," he explains, gesturing to his face.
"Oh, Marty, I'm so sorry. That must have been very traumatic. Are you in a safe place now?"
"Yeah, I'm staying with a friend from work, who is, to put it mildly, very protective." He smiles softly. "She's the one who convinced me I needed to leave her, Sylvia."
"Good. I'm glad you have people you can rely on and are out of danger. It doesn't fix everything though, does it."
"No," Deeks sighs. "I'm finding it really hard to reconcile the woman I fell in love with and thought I was building a future with, and the woman who hurt me in so many ways."
"That's understandable. You trusted her, loved her, maybe still do to an extent, and now that trust and love has been tainted."
"That's what Kensi, my friend, said."
"Sounds like a smart woman. So, what are feeling specifically?"
"Everything. Sad, angry, shocked, numb. All of it," he says. He draws his hands through his hair, knee shaking again. "Shame?"
"Shame?" Helena repeats, questioning without judgment. "Why?"
Deeks shrugs, spreading his hands expansively. "So many reasons. I've been here before with my dad and mom. I should know the signs. What kind of cop am I if I let my own girlfriend beat me up?"
"Ok, that is a lot to unpack, Marty." Helena touches the earpiece of her glasses to her lips, eyes dropping briefly before she leans forward with an earnest look. "This won't be the last time we discuss it, but I want you to know that this was not your fault. Anyone, as you know from experience, can find themselves in an abusive relationship. No matter how smart, or strong, or experienced."
"I know that. When it's someone else. When it's me though…" he trails off, and Helena just nods. His eyes sting with the promise of oncoming tears, and he knows if he doesn't change the topic right now, he'll break down completely.
"Um, I'm some having trouble sleeping too." If Helena is surprised by the change, she doesn't show it. She simply nods, waiting for him to continue. "Then there's what I think are flashbacks. And, I keep reacting when people move too quickly or try to touch me." He drops his eyes at the last admission.
"Defensively?"
"No, thank god. It's more…protective. The other day, Kensi just raised her voice a little and I acted like she was going to hit me. It's not even a conscious decision. I've tried some of the strategies you taught me, but they don't seem to be working."
"It's good that you remembered them," Helena assures him. "Even if it isn't perceptible, using those strategies is likely helping to a degree. I'm glad that you came to me though when you noticed you were struggling.
She leans back, folding her hands calmly. "Thank you for sharing all of that with me. I know it wasn't easy."
Deeks chuckles wetly. "Understatement of the year."
"If you agree, I want to try a few more techniques that you can utilize on your own, but I want to focus on getting your thoughts and feelings out in the open. As much as you're comfortable with, of course. We'll work from there."
"Ok," Deeks agrees, preemptively taking another series of calming breaths.
When Deeks leaves the brownstone building where Helena's office is housed, Kensi's waiting for him in the third parking space from the front entrance, exactly where he'd left her an hour ago. Since she had a later shift today and Deeks had mentioned stopping in at work, she'd offered to drop him off at his appointment then drive them both to the station.
He opens the passenger door, folding himself into the seat with a loud sigh. Kensi's leaning back with what foot folded under her, a game open on her phone.
"Hey. Thanks for waiting."
"No problem. I finally got caught up on my emails and beat the next level of Candy Crush. How was your session?" she asks, not making any move to pull out of the parking space.
"Tiring," Deeks answers, closing his eyes, and smiling faintly. "Feel like I just ran a 5K."
"Was it that bad?" He hears the worry in her tone and instantly moves to reassure her.
"No, just talking about everything. It's…a lot. I'm ok though, and as much as I might loathe it with every fiber of my being, I know that therapy works."
"Good. I'm glad that you're doing this. And, since I figured this might be a bit rough," Reaching into the back seat, Kensi pauses as she rustles around, finally coming back with a crumpled paper bag. "I got you this." She pulls out a familiar white cup with a triumphant smile.
Deeks takes the shake, a staple currently with his lingering chewing difficulty, and smiles, touched by the gesture.
"Thanks. I guess it would be futile to tell you that it wasn't necessary, right?"
"You got that right," Kensi agrees. She gives the cup a pointed look. "It's a chocolate malt with extra whip cream. Drink up, you need your carbs and protein."
Grinning fully now at Kensi's version of TLC and nutrition, he takes a sip. Oddly enough, he does find his spirits lift slightly as Kensi finally backs out, and pulls out into traffic. While he works his way through the massive shake, he catches Kensi casting furtive looks in his direction.
They're about halfway to the station when she finally breaks. "You know, you don't have to go in today. I can drop you back off at the apartment instead."
"Yeah, I kind of do for my own sanity," he says, poking his straw around the bottom of the shake cup as though they're discussing his opinion of the flavor.
He knows he could wait until the bruises are completely gone. Until he doesn't look like he went ten rounds with Sam Hanna in a ring. If he waits that long though, he's worried the fear of judgment, and everything else that's likely to come with his return, will be too much. Somehow, it seems easier to take the leap now, when there's less pressure.
"As long as you're sure," Kensi says. "Personally, I think you're crazy."
"Noted." He can tell Kensi doesn't want to let the topic go, but he doesn't feel like getting into it right now. He' already spent enough time dissecting his thoughts and feeling today. "Ok, so tell me more about this guy they paired you with," he requests, orienting himself towards the passenger door, eyes on the window, though he isn't really taking in any of the surroundings.
"Like I told you before, his name's Dominic. He's 24, and really smart, but a little green still."
"Green? That doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. Is he watching your back?" Deeks turns around, now fully invested in the conversation. He knows Kensi's been left short the last couple weeks, but she'd spent most of her shifts either out of the field or paired with a senior officer."
"Yes," Kensi confirms quickly. "He's good. I mean, not you by any means, but I feel safe and confident working with him.
"I guess that's something." Deeks bites his bottom lip, a new worry resurfacing. "I'm sorry I've put you in this position. You shouldn't have to be tossed between different departments every other day."
"Excuse me, I am not being tossed anywhere," Kensi objects, pulling into the station parking lot, and navigating to the reserved section. "I'll admit the tip line wasn't the best shift, but it's not the first time I've pulled that duty. Won't be the last." She reaches out unexpectedly, poking him in the shoulder. "And, you do not need to pile anymore guilt on top of the mountain you've already made for yourself." She parks the car, putting it in park, and turns to him with a more severe expression than he anticipated. "I know you feel compelled to blame yourself for a multitude of things that are beyond your control, but this is no different than if you were injured on the job. I'd still be assigned a temporary partner. I'm not upset about it or at you, I'm safe, and I am still your partner, even when you're not able to work with me."
Deeks just stares at her for several moments, speechless, until Kensi shifts uncomfortably.
"What?"
"Nothing." He shakes his head, brushing his hair back. "I just got really lucky when they made us partners."
"Oh. Yes, you did," Kensi agrees with a pleased smile. "So did I. Now come on. Nell will kill me if she misses seeing you before she heads out for her trial prep."
A/N: Yeah, I think Deeks could use a good deal more therapy. I think he does have a tendency to take the blame in many instances, even when it's for something beyond his control. With his current emotional state, he needs a lot of reassurance. Thankfully, Kensi is there for him.