Hecksing Ultimate Chronicles
Chapter 3: Meet Carl
Beginning AN:
So unlike last time, I didn't rush through the rough draft in one day. However, it did take "only" two days, and I spent the last of my allotted three days on the final draft.
The Wild Geass were fighting mummies!
"OH NO THIS IS SERIOUS, KEEP GOING TROOPS!" Said Pip. Then he looked up in the sky. "OH NO SOMETHING BURNING IN THE SKY IS SUDDENLY ABOUT TO FALL ON ME AND KILL ME!"
And then there was a huge explosion and crash! It was a spaceship! The doors opened, and stepping out was this weird-looking green man with antenna!
"OKAY I NOW HAVE YOU UNDER HOSTAGE!" He shouted. "MY NAME IS CARL STEVENS, I AM AN ESCAPED FUGITIVE ROCKSTAR FROM MARS, AND BEFORE THE MARTIAN COPS REACH ME, I WILL TAKE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF-"
But then an arm came out of the rubble!
It was Pip! And that arm was also sticking up a hand with a middle finger on it!
"YOU ARE NOT TO TAKE MY SOLDIERS YOU FUCK!"
And then Pip got up and snapped Carl's neck! Carl Stevens was a huge mistake, and will be no more!
The Wild Geese cheered! Then Walter showed up!
Speaking of fictional characters named Walter, I found out that that was the name of the guy I was calling the Big Lebowski. Oops. I mean the premise of that movie is that there's already two Lebowski's so you could understand the confusion. I thought both the main characters were Lebowskis and there was a Big Lebowski and a Little Lebowski.
"Hey you guys seem very experienced at fighting the supernatural. Wanna join Hecksing?" Walter asked.
Alucard was also there and he ate Carl's body.
The next night (so this is day 3 of 7 for when Leader's leader will show up), Walter walked in to Integra's office. Don't worry unlike last chapter they're dressed. For now.
"Integra I have a very important announcement." Walter said. "I Googled the Millennium. They are an evil underground Nazi group that I do not work for that want to start a violent war for the sake of it and annihilate everyone to cause as much killing as possible."
"Why."
"They think killing is fun."
"That's a stupid fucking motivation for a villain! Money, power, okay, but killing for the sake of it? Why can't they just fucking play Grand Theft Auto or Saints Row or Simpsons Hit and Run while we're at it?"
Walter's eye twitched. "I mean, isn't there some enjoyment in carnage? Like, Alucard gets off on it."
"Not this version of him, that character trait was toned down if not removed. Now he's a friendly guy who fights vampires because he genuinely wants to make the world a better place."
"What."
"So anyway, they're Nazis? Then why do they have a dark skinned guy among them?"
"...They're this different branch of Nazis that don't care about race, they only want to kill. They're also accepting of gender or... shall we say... age? They're fine with old people working along their fighters I mean."
"The more I learn about the Millennium the dumber they sound. I think I need a drink because this group sounds like a band of morons, and they somehow took out our might."
Walter grinded his teeth and banged his hand on the desk. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THE MILLENNIUM'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART! Um, at least from what I've seen looking through their records."
"Hey Millennium, didn't we like fight them in the past before? In the Dawn?"
"Uh yes. Anyway, speaking of a team of idiots, would you like to see our replacements for the guards the Valentine Brothers killed?"
"I wouldn't like to, but I have to, so I will."
The Wild Geese were standing with anticipation.
"Alright hello there." Said Integra. "I am your new boss, Integra Heck. This is the Hecksing organization. We do a lot of things, but the important part you should care about is that we fight supernatural forces. We use supernatural forces, and want your non-supernatural forces to join with us as backup and canon fodder."
She pointed at Alucard, who was wearing pajamas and eating cake while watching more Run and Stimpy on TV.
"This is a real life vampire."
Most of the Geese laughed at him. But Pip looked nervous.
"Hey isn't that the dude who ate that guy I killed?" Pip asked. "Uhhhh... it was hard to tell because he had a hat and glasses on when he ate the green guy but... yeah I think we should be weary around him."
Integra sighed. "Alucard! They're not convinced! Do Alucard things!"
Alucard looked at them, grinned, then he turned in to black and red bloody shadow mass, and the Geese were all scared! But then he changed his form... he shape-shifted to look like Pip!
("Why didn't he shapeshift clothes last chapter" Alucard's clothes regularly aren't shape-shifted unless he gets shot a lot and they're blown off, because Alucard does like wearing clothes but does not want to risk destroying them so he wouldn't dress all the time in danger. As for why he and Seras didn't make them with powers in Chapter 2, well, Seras can't she doesn't know that power yet, and Alucard's a dummy.)
"HELLO THERE I AM..." Alucard pointed at Pip and said "THAT GUY" because he didn't know his name.
"Okay that's impressive. I'm convinced." Pip said. "I thought he was just a weird cannibal, but if there's a magic reason for eating people that's fine."
Alucard continued: "I LEAD A TEAM OF JERKS THAT LAUGH AT POWERFUL VAMPIRES! I AM A DUMMY!"
And then Alucard, looking like Pip, moved his arms like a chicken and made "CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP" noises. Pip was getting embarrassed!
The Geese laughed! "That's so totally you, Pip!" One of them said! "Accurate personation!"
"OKAY OKAY YOU MADE YOUR POINT!" Said Pip. He was backing up towards a wall, but Seras was slowly emerging from the wall like a ghost, and that scared him even more!
"Hey is this how to phase through walls?" Seras asked, sporting a fancy new yellow Hecksing uniform. (She was in her bloody cop outfit in Chapter 1 and while she had a new uniform by the time of Chapter 2 she was naked the entire chapter so never got a chance to see it.) Except that we couldn't see the whole thing yet since she was having trouble getting out. "Oh no I'm stuck!"
Alucard shapeshifted back in to Alucard and went over to her. "It's okay intangibility can be a tough skill to learn. Especially for non full-blooded vampires. Which you should become by drinking more blood than just the tiny blood bags. Here."
He placed a hand on Seras' head and then she went full intangible and phased through the wall properly. But then she accidentally phased through the floor. Alucard said "Oops," held his breath, plunged in the floor like he was diving (he didn't need to he was just being funny), and then pulled Seras back up.
"So that guy is a vampire, what are you like a ghost? Werewolf?" Asked Pip.
"Also vampire." Said Seras.
"Oh that's a little boring then I thought there's some variety."
"Ahem." Said Integra. "Now, Wild Geese, upon being officially hired, your first mission is a big one. Walter, explain?"
"Yes" explained Walter "we are currently in the middle of fighting an organization known as the Millennium. They're the ones who brutally, horriffically killed all your predecessors, and you should no doubt fear that they'll do the exact same thing to you. One of the men involved in that attack is still alive, a psychotic with a sword that can even poison vampires, and he knows where we all live. Thankfully, your mission isn't where we live, it's directly in their hideout, somewhere within a canyon cave in Brazil. This means you're going to Brazil."
"Okay, yes, send them to Brazil. Walter let me take over." Integra said. She put her hand on her chin and thought of the exact plan. She's smart and a fast thinker so it only took like two seconds. "You'll be joined by Seras and Walter, while Alucard stays here with me and will easily eat any Millennium agents they send after us. Since he killed the one of them that he fought easily, the other one was just lucky enough to avoid him, so these Millennium guys seem like weak idiots. Also he'll finish repairing the Manor that he spent all of the previous time working on."
"Hold on Sir Integra." Said Walter, snickering. "I think it would be better if Alucard went with Seras and the Wild Geese, so that he can destroy their forces directly upon reaching their hideout. Meanwhile, I'm also very skilled, being the Angel of Death and all, I could protect you just as well. I also might do a better job fixing up the place, I mean shit, you remember that birdhouse he tried to make five years ago. You wouldn't trust him with fixing the Manor, no?"
"I mean. The Millennium's going to want to come here, also. And here's where we keep our stuff. And frankly, these Geese people and Seras are expendable. Alucard's better defense."
"Sending the whole Geese there would leave you alone with your bodyguard of choice. Would you rather be alone with Alucard or with me the whole day?"
"Hm you have a point. Alucard, you're a nice guy, but unholy fuck can you be a little annoying when completely alone with you. Alright, Alucard! Seras! Pip! Other Wild Geese! Your mission is to go to Brazil and infiltrate the Millennium Hideout!"
"YAY VACATION IN BRAZIL!" Said Alucard. "I CAN SWIM IN THE BEACHES!"
"I CAN... GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS SCARY VAMPIRE MILLENNIUM STUFF!" Said Seras. "Until we get inside their headquarters though..."
"I CAN BE AROUND BEACH BIKINI BABES!" Said Pip. "IT'S A WIN-WIN-WIN FOR ALL OF US! Except maybe the yellow vampire."
"HEY THIS IS NOT A VACATION!" Integra Shouted. "YYOUR MISSION IS BUSINESS! YOU MUST GO THERE JUST TO SEARCH AND DESTROY!"
Meanwhile, in the cave from the first chapter, a familiar looking shadow hologram spawned there. The only people there were Doctor and Jan, and Doctor was making measurements and doing tests on Jan. Four other shadow holograms of almost everyone appeared.
"Okay it is done." The familiar shadow snickered. "Hecksing is sending both vampires and some guy to Brazil over here... while leaving Integra all alone for me. And also you to fight."
"CAN I JOIN YOU YET?!" Asked the one with all the clothes. "I AM A GOOD FIGHTER!"
"Now now!" Said the Leader's shadow. "There are still plans that need to be made before we can start the... major invasion! We need to get Hecksing in to checkmate first! Like chesss! First, Jew two," he pointed to the scythe one and a one not mentioned in Chapter 1 that looked like a weird kid or something, "get Jew're asses over here and get on... the Zepplin, and make prep for the True Manor Invasion!"
Their holograms vanished, and suddenly a giant woman dropped down in the middle of the room in-person with a scythe. It was Zorin! (Giant as in tall and muscular not giant as in actual giant that's just her illusion.) Then the figure of the other hologram poofed in with quantum fiary dust, it was Schrodinger!
"We're already here." Zorin sneered. "As for the last two of us..."
"No we're here!" Said two shadowy people, the last two of Millennium I said didn't have their holograms. But they were in shadows in the corner of a dark room, because to keep their identities secret. But I just spoiled Zorin and Schrodinger who are both later enemies. And Doctor technically. Oops. Anyway, the guy with the hat was the one that was talking. "We wouldn't miss the carnival, we're just getting ready for it all!"
"Okay. Rip, Card Guy, go get ready for them they should be arriving soon I think." Said the Leader hologram.
Then the Leader stood out with his hands out, legs apart, and he thrusted his crotch forward like Michael Jackson. "Phase One of our plan, Test Hecksing and See if Alucard is Really Strong, is over, but that was the baby step. Up next is...
"PHASE JEW!"
The Geese and Seras were all packed in Alucard's tank. Alucard himself was there of course, because he does NOT let others drive the tank!
But because there were so many Geeze they were crammed together!
"So how are we going to get to Brazil from here red vampire?" Asked Pip. "Just drive there?"
Alucard, who had Pip's butt by his face, snickered. "Just watch."
He drove up to the broken fire hydrant, and drove in to it, it shot them in the air, and then he activated the boosters.
"UNLEASH HECK!" He shouted. "ON THE BADGUYS!"
Everyone screamed. Even Seras, who did not go through this before.
The tank was flying halfway across the world from London to Brazil, very fast, everyone except Alucard was screaming the whole time.
But then Alucard started screaming when he looked at the fuel tank! It looked like this: E | . . . F! The F normally stands for full but here it might as well stand for FUCK!
"I DIDN'T FUEL MY TANK ENOUGH WE'RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT TO THE BASE COORDINATES INTEGRA SENT ME!" The coordinatte sending happened offscreen don't worry it's not a plot hole Alucard was just explaining things for the reader convenience. "AND THE TRUSTERS ALSO DRAIN THE FUEL EVEN FASTER SO I MISCALCULATED WITHOUT THE THRUSTERS WE WOULD HAVE MADE IT! AHHHH!"
The tank wizzed past a snowy mountain and then crashlanded in the beach, near the shore, in the water. Lots of beachgoers ran away, and since it was Brazil they were topless and in tiny thongs since Brazillian beaches were fine with nudity but not fine with flying tanks crashing on their water. Thankfully, nobody died from the crash. Yet.
"Okay we're here." Said Alucard. He popped the hatch.
"Ah, Brazil!" Seras said, getting up and stretching out. "Now I can- AHHHHHH!"
She was lit on fire! Alucard pulled her back in to the tank! The fire went out.
"Seras because of time zone shifts this is daytime now! You need to stay out of the sun for now! Although I am a powerful vampire elite, I can enjoy the sun instead."
A pair of huge ass cheeks clapped in the Brazillian sun, only barely contained by a really small speedo that wasn't a thong yet, but he'll switch to thongs.
This was Alucard, he was walking in only that bikini bottom, and Alucard was THICC. He was making big strides as jazz music began playing (jazz music is like the songs of Paper Mario Sticker Star, or should I say THICCer star), and the Wild Geese were all staring at him like "DAAAYUM."
"That's right I am thicc." Said Alucard as he strode on the sidewalk. "You can call me not just Alucard but also Aluthicc. Or Thiccucard. I don't know what one is better." He was the forgis on the jeep!
Then his phone rang so he got it from the front of his speedo. "Hello?" He asked.
It was Seras! "I'm bored being in this tank alone."
"Don't worry my job is buying sunscreen so that you can sunscreen up and thus go outside the tank."
The Wild Geese meanwhile were in their regular outfits because they didn't pack swimsuits. They packed winter gear though for the part where they go through the Ice Level in Brazil, but they didn't wear that right now because that would be suicidal. It may have been winter but it was still hot because it was near the equator, except for the snowy part of the country.
Alucard went to a sunscreen shop. It was called "ANYONE WHO MAKES SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE JOKES ABOUT THE SUNSCREEN LOOKING LIKE SEMEN WILL BE SHOT BECAUSE I AM SICK OF THAT" but the sign was in Portugese because this was Brazil. The English translation was written in smaller letters.
"So uh..." Pip said, getting used to his first mission on Hecksing. "You're a vampire, right red vampire?"
"Yes." Said Alucard, buying a pack of sunscreen from the shelf.
"Cool."
"HEY DO YOU WANT SOME PORN WITH THAT SUNSCREEN?!" Asked the clerk.
"Uh no thanks I don't really do that thing." Alucard said.
But Pip then ran up and threw money on the counter. Integra took their funds and converted them to Brazillian. "I'll take a lot."
But sinister music played as Walter Sobchak entered the shop. Alucard waas already outside and Pip didn't recognize him because Alucard didn't recap absolutely everything that happened yet.
"You got any guns?" He asked. "I need something that can kill a vampire with millions and millions of lives."
"Oh hey we're hunting vampires too." Pip said. "Are we after the same vampire, imagine that?"
"Probably not, I'm after a fucker that ruined by bowling streak."
"Oh yeah I don't think Millennium is interested in bowling nevermind."
Seras was sunscreened and left the tank and let the sunlight finally hit her... first time since she was a vampire that she got to enjoy the sun... wow... it had been days.
But then Alucard looked at the label (He helped get her back and stuff) and saw that it said NOT WATERPROOF!
And they were STILL a good distance away from dry land, with the tank being in the water!
"Can you fly?" Alucard asked.
"Um... no."
"Or make the jump?"
Seras tried to jump but landed in the water. Then the sunscreen rubbed off and then she was lit on fire underwater (sunlight is very powerful it can do that).
So Alucard went BACK and brought WATERPROOF sunscreen on Seras to make her actually be able to swim through and reach land! Fwew!
"Also, that reminds me. We'll need to buy fuel here so that we can get back home. Then again I'd be reminded when we entered the tank but couldn't leave hahaha!"
So then now that everyone was finally ready, they went through Brazil in carnival, getting near the snow, with a lot of near-naked dancers! Some dancers were actually naked! Pip and Seras were distracted by all the happenings, but Alucard kept his eyes on the mission and was ready to do anything to save the day and defeat badguys. (Now it actually is day and not night because of timezones.)
Then suddenly Alucard was hit in the neck with a card and fell over! "OW!" He said. "That card is surprisingly sharp! It shoudn't be able to hurt me!"
A masked figure in the carnival crowd snickered. And behind him, a masked woman.
Alucard used his super senses to find out who did it and saw the laughing man, someone dressed like a fancy (not as fancy as Luke) magician with a small stache and stuff, and a hat, and he had a gigantic Brazil mask with the card suits on it. Behind him was a gorgeous pale tall woman in a sparkling azure see-through bikini top and one of those skirt things you normally see dancers wear, also with a mask, in her case a giant blue one with like just fancy patterns that looked like waves I guess I don't know I'm not really in to fashion. Also she had big boobs and asscheeks. Like, huge.
"BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL OY!" They were both dancing together and saying this, but the magician guy was still snickering at his dirty shot at Alucard. "BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL BRAZIL OY! CARNIVAL!"
"HEY!" Alucard shouted. "THAT GUY ATTACKED ME ON PURPOSE!"
"YES! IT IS US!" The guy shouted and the two stopped dancing. "MEMBERS OF THE MILLENNIUM! YOU FELL FOR MY TRAP... CARD!"
Alucard looked at the card. It was Jar of Greed, a trap card in Yu-Gi-Oh! That was the joke!
"HEY!" He said. Pip on the other hand was interested, it was Brazil so it was the uncensored version of the card.
Pip said "Ooooh... uncensored. That's hot."
"I AM TUBALCAIN ALHAMBRA!" Shoutd Tubalcain Alhambra, taking his mask off. "THE MAGICIAN OF THE MILLENNIUM! AND THIS IS MY TEAMMATE AS WE HAVE TEAMS OF TWO, AND SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT I GUESS! CODENAME HUNTRESS!"
Oh yeah the rest of the carnival crowd there ran away because Card Guy announced he was evil and stuff. That cleared the streets and left them open.
"MILLENNIUM!" Shouted Seras, getting her guns out.
The mysterious hot assistant Huntress giggled and flicked her long dark blue hair. She kept her mask on.
"HEY WAIT!" Alucard said, pointing at Huntress. "YOU LOOK A LITTLE FAMILIAR. HAVE WE MET BEFORE?"
"All will be revealed in due time, Dog of Hellsing." Huntress said. "But for now, we got a tip that you were trying to crash our party uninvited. Well, it's somewhere in this vast country, you are on the right track. What you did not account for, is that the Millennium has a superb security system!" She giggled, taking out a long musket from her hair.
"THE SECURITY SYSTEM IS US GO US!" Shouted the Tubalcain.
Alucard and Huntress both shot their guns (his Jackel and her musket) at the same time, and the bullets bounced off of each other and were knocked in to the air. However, while Alucard's just fell, Huntress's suddenly began moving around in bright blue light, zig-zagging through the air across the streets.
"OH NO IT'S A BULLET GONE WILD!" Shouted a member of the Wild Geese.
The bullet then struck the ground in fronf of Hecksing and caused a blast that knocked them back. And then it kept zig-zagging around, stunning and weakening the Wild Geese but not killing them. Meanwhile, the other guy threw cards about that also sliced some people.
The Geese got ready and set up a huge row of guns and fired along, but Tubalcain summoned a gigantic wave of cards ()more than the standard 52! what a cheater! and the cards ended up blocking all the bullets! Tubalcain laughed, then sent all the cards out forward, knocking everyone down. Everyone was knocked out except for Alucard, Seras, and Pip. Meaning that the Geese fodder couldn't keep shooting.
"SO YOU MUST BE THE BEST VAMPIRE OF THEM ALL, SUPPOSEDLY?!" Asked Tublacain. "WELL I'M BRAINS AND MY BRAINS CAN OUTWIT YOUR BRAWNS! ESPECIALLY COMPARED TO MY IDIOT DITZ OF A PARTNER WHO FOR SOME REASON DOESN'T WANT ME TO NAME HER NAME AROUND YOU SO SHE'S GOING BY HUNTRESS RIGHT NOW AND I HAD NO TIME TO ADJUST TO THAT!"
"Um I never said I was the best vampire that's just a thing people in the supernatural underworld have been saying from Word of Mouth." alucard explained.
But Tubalcain jumped to Alucard, Alucard tried shooting at him, but every time he did Tubalcain held out a card and it blocked the bullet perfectly. Tubalcain then sent a giant torando of cards that sent Alucard flying through the air, and while he was flying through the air, we saw a very brief flashback of a young Alucard flying through the skies above the ocean across the hemispheres from when he was young, because being knocked in the air like that triggered a traumatic moment, foreshadowing his backstory.
Alucard landed in the Amazon Rainforest, and Tubalcain went to chase after him to finish him off, leaving the Huntress with Seras and Pip.
The Huntress then started giggling. And giggling a lot. And laughing. It was kind of creepy.
"Alucard was right." She said. "We have met before. Hence why I was obscuring my identity. But the Dandy Man managed to put everything in place, and now I can reveal my true self, because even or if you do reunite with Alucard, it won't make a difference."
She took off the mask, revealing a freckled face, and she put on large round glasses. It was Rip Van Winkle!
"I am First Lieutenant of the Millennium and designated distraction Rip Van Winkle. I hope you enjoy the show my partner and I will put on today."
"I DON'T CARE HOW BIG YOUR TITTIES ARE OR HOW NAKED YOU GET! I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED!" Shouted Pip. "WILD GEESE, FIRE!"
And then they fired a lot (after regaining consciousness), and without Tubalcain's huge wave of cards, Rip was actually shot up a lot. Kinda like Alucard being shot by Walter Sobchad in Chapter 2, just bullet holes everywhere, made of swiss cheese. Rip fell to the ground, seemingly dead.
"Well that was easy." Pip said.
"Yeah..." Seras agreed. "I was worried she would be as strong as the Valentines or Card Guy!"
But then.
They heard Rip still creepily giggling.
The Wild Geese were creeped otu by the giggling and huddled together for comfort. And Pip huddled by Seras.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Asked Pip.
"There is so much about me that you do not know..." Her 'body' began to quickly slither away and move behind Pip and Seras. When they looked back, suddenly Rip was upright, with the holes in her oozing shadow mass with eyes in it, her mouth suddenly stretched out wide with extremely sharp teeth taking up half her face, and she had her hands forming the picture frame thing with a giant eye appearing in it out of darkness.
"And so much you can't even begin to compre-HEND!" She said the last part in a satanic-sounding voice.
Meanwhile, Alucard was in the Amazon Rainforest. There were lots of birds and bugs and monkeys calling.
"HELLO?" Alucard asked. "THIS IS NOT FUNNY CARD GUY, I HATE MOSQUITOES AND I FEEL LIKE THIS PLACE HAS A HIGH CHANCE OF ME GETTING BIT BY ONE."
"MY NAME IS TUBALCAIN ALHAMBRA!"
And then a storm of cards went after him! Alucard jumped out of the way and began firing, and he used his enhanced vampire senses to spot where the Card Guy was, which managed to shoot him in the shoulder and stun him a little.
"NO!" Tabalcain shouted. "I was close! I had you strategically removed from the woman and from the weird new guys you got off the streets! You weren't supposed to hit me, I was supposed to block with the cards every time you shot!"
"Every time I shot until the end of time?" Alucard asked, starting to grin.
Tubalcain frowned hard. Alucard made a good point.
"Oh right, immortality."
"There's no such thing as immortality."
Then Alucard finally had a weak opening so he went over there-
And was hit in the face by a bowling ball! It was Walter Sobchak!
"We still have unfinished business." He said. "You violated the rules of bowling, and then ran away before I was finsihed shooting you. Now I'm going to make you my bitch!"
"Okay the first time was already bad enough but guy, I am in the middle of fighting a Nazi here."
Walter Sobchak's eyes popped open! "You're... fighting a Nazi? As in, the guys against Judiaism?"
"Well, we're actually just against people, we want to kill others, we aren't really against Jews and stuff." Said Tubalcain. "We the Millennium are decayed from that. Like live action shows on Cartoon Network." I would say that is actually a funny comparison but that's comparing Cartoon Network to Hitler and I don't want to do that.
"Eh, fuck it, close enough." Said Sobchak. "Alucard, I was wrong about you. The whole time, I thought you were a bitch. But you fight Nazis like I fight Nihilists. I guess you're really a cool person, and I'm the bitch."
Alucard got teary eyed! And then Sobchak also teary eyed went over and ugged Alucard, and Alucard hugged back, and they both hugged like that while crying, making ammends.
"Friends?" Asked Walter. The other Walter.
"Friends." Said Alucard. Thankfully there's just the one Alucard here. Sorry if you were expecting a Castlevania crossover. "It is nice to know a Protestant can actually get along with a Jew after all and that we don't have to have religious wars. Although this was about bowling but still the point is there there. I mean, I'm more of a golf guy so I guess you could say this fight was about sports fans getting along too? Since Luke falling there was kind of like golfing, I hole in one'd him."
"This is touching but I've been assigned to kill you." Said Tubalcain. "So die."
"NO YOU DIE! FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T RUIN JUDIAISM, YOU DON'T RUIN BOWLING, BUT ALSO AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL, YOU DON'T RUIN friendship!" Walter Sobchak said.
And then he and Alucard both looked at each other and nodded, and got out their respective guns (Jackal for Alucard, some gun for Watler), and both shot Tubalcain at the same time, the combined weight of their bullets blew his cards back. Alucard was winning the fight anyway (meaning Walter wasn't important to the plot either I guess but I really didn't want the only reason Alucard to win this fight was because of a crossover character coming out of nowhere to save his life that would be stupid) but Walter helped make it faster, and then they teamed up to run over to Tubalcain and they both startted pounding the shit out of him.
But then, just as it seemed like Alucard had Alhambra down and was about to turn in to a mouth and eat him...
Alucard's foot accidentally tripped a tripwire Dandy set up! And that made a smokebomb fall doown and cause a huge cloud of smoke to appear everywhere! Alucard and Walter both coughed a lot, and when the smoke cleared, Tubalcain was vanished. But his voiceover was still heard, which made the two look up.
"The ultimate magician trick I pulled... hee hee hee... I made myself disappear! Can you find me? Probably not... but at least I distracted you!"
"Hm what does he mean 'distract' we're literally at their evil base this adventure is almost over..." Said Alucard, rubbing his chin.
"Well I don't know, but I feel like I've done all I could." Replied Walter Sodchak. "Alucard, it was nice meeting you. I'll probably run in to you again later. And maybe we can play bowling together."
And then he turned away like in that 'Adios' meme and with his back turned to Alucard he just sort of faded out like an old film editing trick. He didn't actually teleport or fade out or disappear like a ghost or anything, it's just stylistic.
A tear came down Alucard's face. "Goodbye bowling guy. You were the best friend I made yet." He said.
Rip was still standing over Seras and Pip in a creepy shadow form. Seras fired a lot of exploding bullets at her, but she tanked them and seemed mostly unharmed. Rip just kept giggling.
Then Rip suddenly shrunk her shadows and stuff and was back in her normal form. Except naked, since her sexy dancer outfit was blasted off by the might of the Wild Geese when they had thought they killed her. She grinned a happy smile.
"Hellsing's New Blood." She said cheerily. "You are not fit for a mission of this level of brutality. I will spare you, so long as you both go home and forget what you saw."
"Uuhhhhhhh..." Said Seras.
"DON'T BE DISTRACTED BY HER TITS! IT'S JUST A RUSE!" Said Pip.
Rip sighed, turning to Pip, and giving him an annoyed look. "You... are testing my patience. But in any case, unlike my superior, I do not get enjoyment from crushing microscopic bugs anymore. I want to challenge an equal. This mission was about Alucard, your army and Seras are considered non-entities at the moment despite your potential. This means that the Major will not punish me for letting you go. But just this once. Take advantage of this."
She turned back to Seras and smiled at her. "Congratulations, though! I think you're pretty cool, so take that compliment! Don't worry, being a vampire gets easier with time! Much, much easier..."
"Do you think I'm cool?" Asked Pip, blushing and touching his fingers together.
Rip turned to him with more of a 'Oh this guy again' expression. "Mmmmm... sure, I guess."
"YAY! The big titty vampire Lady Dimitresu said 'sure I guess!' And I saw her naked too!"
Rip just turned in to shadow mass and disappeared by flying up, going over some buildings and vanishing behind them.
Meanwhile, in the hideout, the Leader's hologram sighed as he walked over to Jan and the Doctor.
"Is Jewr shitty robot arm done yet Doctor?!" He asked.
"Yes." Doctor replied evilly.
"Okay good. Now for the next thing, Jan... I have another suicide mission for Jew..."
Closing AN:
Yeah this is where we diverge from the old version of the story by quite a bit. Even if you don't count Carl dying by going "Well, he 'took over' for Pip anyway, and Pip's in now as a big pervert" and thinking it would be the same overall, it isn't. The Brazil thing will be sort of its own story arc as opposed to a one and done chapter thing, and will even bleed in to "Season 2." But a little more on that in Chapter 4's closing notes.
Oh, I should have mentioned this in Chapter 2 (I might even throw this back in there), but the whole gag of Alucard sliding on soap bars is a dig at the infamous leaked Episode 8 clip thing of the SCP series Confinement. If you're curious - I'm personally kinda obsessed with it because it's got a lot of things I like to see in an Internet controversy (nudity involved, well-respected series has a bad ending and torpedoes its reputation, about a work of fiction I'm a little familiar with since I've read a bit of SCP here and there) - be warned, the clip itself is way racier than even this story. Like, penetration that's just barely offscreen happens. Multiple times. The idea was that I was kind of making fun of the whole thing, not so much a "Respectful tribute." Because, uh, I'm of the crowd that thinks that some nudity shenanigans aren't bad by themselves, but that the clip went on too long and was too sexual harassment-ish for my tastes. And just not really fitting from what I know of Confinement? (I've so far seen the first two episodes on archive, but I intend to see the whole thing eventually.)
Honestly I half-ass rushed Rip's whole thing about "sparing" Seras and Pip. It was added in the final edit. When I realized that I left a huge cliffhanger on that front and wasn't sure how to resolve it, I was brainstorming ideas. When I came up with Rip simply not fighting them for a stupid reason, I had just thought of leaving this chapter's ending as-was (without the final cut back to Rip, Pip, and Seras) and having Rip's speech be at the start of the next chapter, but... I realized that would be a shitty way to resolve a cliffhanger, even by badfic standards. (And even then, Rip's supposed to be a relatively "serious" character, although with the typoes toned down significantly that's harder to see.)