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It happened fast.

I mean on recollection it seemed in slow motion but it happened fast.

I was riding my bike to school with Komachi at my back. Then some strap in her backpack got caught on my wheel. I flipped. Komachi spilled out into the street. She was fine at first. Totally fine. I mean a few scrapes here and there but she was safe. Then a car hit and dragged her twenty feet down the road.

I sprinted after the car which came to a screeching halt. I knelt at the front and found Komachi beneath the front wheel. I pulled my phone. I dialed 999. I tried to restart Komachi's heart with compressions. I tried giving her mouth to mouth to breath for her. I didn't totally know cpr. I did my best.

It wasn't good enough.

I watched the light fade from her eyes in my arms.

I screamed. I screamed.

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The funeral was the next week. They had cleaned her up for an open casket. She looked beautiful. She was gorgeous in death. School released me. Yukinoshita released from my duties. I attended the funeral. The sun was bright in the middle of February. I belatedly realized the race was today. I didn't particularly care.

Nothing could ever be right again.

I'd never share a conversation with Komachi again. I'd never ride her on my bike. I'd never go to town with her again. Nothing could ever be right again.

I was heartbroken beyond belief. I couldn't feel anything. At all. I couldn't even cry though I wanted to. I wanted so desperately to cry. But I just couldn't. I couldn't make myself. I remained dry. Reality was cold, sober, and dried up.

My father cried. He cried like a baby. My mother sobbed. She rubbed my back but I rejected her touch. I didn't want it. My little sister was gone. I clung to life and reason for Komachi. I could have built the pyramids with that effort. Now she was gone. I burned. I burned in place. It was all my fault. My little sister died. I didn't know enough cpr. I wasn't careful enough on my bike. Now Komachi paid the ultimate price.

Nothing could ever be right again.

I burned. I was on fire. Every nerve in my body was set alight. Simultaneously I drowned and felt the panic of the water filling my lungs. I couldn't bear it.

When I finally went back to school I sat down. I said nothing to anybody. Yuigahama looked at me with long eyes. Totsuka looked like he wanted to do something. But there was nothing to be done. I was alone.

Totsuka eventually came up to me. I didn't have the energy to be attracted to him in those moments.

"Go away Totsuka," I told him when he opened his mouth.

"But Hachiman…"

"Don't." I begged.

"Okay. I'll see you around, okay?"

"Sure," I dismissed. I didn't particularly care if I ever saw him again. He meant nothing to me. Not compared to Komachi.

"Hikki… do you want to go to the club room during lunch together?" Yui tried next.

"I'm not going to the club room, Yuigahama."

"It's Yui."

"Whichever."

"No. Call me Yui."

"Whichever," I dismissed her too.

"Come see Yukinon with me. We're worried about you. We baked you brownies."

"I don't want them. I don't want to see her. What I want from you is to set me free."

"What do you mean?"

"I promised you I wouldn't kill myself before the end of the year. I need you to release me from that promise."

"I can't." She begged me. "I love you."

"You love me but you're not in love with me," I dismissed.

"It's both…" she whispered. I flinched. "I want you. I want you to stay with me. And so does Yukinon."

"Release me. I can't live like this," I begged back. "If you really loved me you would let me go. Release me. Like a genie in a bottle."

"Come see Yukinon with me."

"I don't want to see Yukinoshita. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to die."

"Please come see Yukinon with me. Please. For me," Yuigahama begged.

I shuddered in place. I burned. I drowned. I was electrocuted. I mimed rattling invisible chains at her and she flinched away from me. She flinched like I struck her across the face.

"I stray further from the light," I whispered. "You can't save me from this. I burn."

"Hikki I love you. Doesn't that matter to you?"

"That's literally all I have left."

"Come see Yukinon for me. With me. Please."

"Fine."

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When I saw Yukinoshita reading from her book in the club room she put it down and looked me in the eye. Yuigahama and I entered together.

"We have brownies for you…" Yuigahama trailed off.

"I don't want them. I'm only here so you both will release me from my promise not to kill myself before the end of the school year. Let me go. Let me die."

"No." Yukinoshita brutally dismissed. I glowered at her.

"Fuck you," I bit.

"If that's how you want it. But I still won't let you go," Yukinoshita shrugged. "You'll have to stay."

"You're delaying the inevitable. When the school year ends I'll jump off a bridge that very day."

"No. You can get through this."

"I don't want to get through this," I shot back.

"You're strong enough."

"You're wrong. I'm frail. Komachi was my anchor. Now I have nothing."

"Hikki please," Yuigahama pleaded. "I know it hurts."

"Don't. Do not. I am hanging on by a thread. And this thing I'm hanging over is bottomless. Don't you understand? If I drop, I never hit the bottom," I glared at her too. "Fuck you both."

"I can't let you go Hikki, I just can't."

"I can't either," Yukinoshita agreed.

"I'm reminded of the poem by Thomas Moore. The last rose of summer. 'Tis the last rose of summer, left blooming alone; all her lovely companions are faded and gone; no flower of her kindred, no rose-bud is nigh, to reflect back her blushes or give sigh for sigh! I'll not leave, thee, thou lone one. To pine on the stem; since the lovely are sleeping, go, sleep thou with them; thus kindly I scatter thy leaves o'er the bed, where thy mates of the garden, lie scentless and dead. So soon may I follow, when friendships decay, and from love's shining circle the gems drop away! When true hearts lie withered, and fond ones are flown, oh! who would inhabit this bleak world alone?" Yukinoshita watched me carefully as I recited the poem. She was wary of a trick but there was no trick. "I need you both to let me go."

"Hikki I love you!" Yuigahama protested.

"I do too…" Yukinoshita trailed off.

"No you don't. Neither of you knew me well enough to love me."

"I do now," Yukinoshita pointed out. And maybe it was true. But I still couldn't live like this.

"I don't care," I snapped.

"Yes you do," Yukinoshita shot right back. "You care about us."

"So what?" I demanded. "I can't go on without my little sister. If I was something like god, and I wanted to hurt something like me, then I would use something like my baby sister."

"She wasn't a baby." Yukinoshita pointed out.

"She was still my baby sister," I leveled right back. I fell to my knees and choked. "She was my fucking baby sister."

"Hush now. It's okay," Yui rubbed my back. I leaned into her touch.

"I can't do this," I sobbed. "You both want something from me I can't give."

"Yes you can. You're enough," Yukinoshita stood. She walked over and sat down on the ground in her skirt directly in front of me and forced me to look her in the eyes through my tears. "You're enough," she repeated.

"I can't do this. Don't ask me to do this. It's not fair," I protested.

"I'm not giving you any choice. And that's cruel and selfish of me," Yukinoshita confessed.

"Me too. I can't let you go either," Yuigahama murmured. Yuigahama kissed the top of my head as I choked for breath.

"I know it will never be all better, but I want to help you get as close as we can." Yukinoshita muttered. "And what cruel mistresses are we who won't let you jump off a bridge while you're mad with grief. We want to love you and tether you to this world."

"I can't…" I protested again.

"Yes you can. Sh. It's okay," Yuigahama hushed again. She ran a hand through my hair. It felt intoxicating. I choked and sobbed again. "I love you Hikki. I'd miss you too much. If you want you can find other things. We can make you happy."

"I'll never be happy again," I muttered through my tears.

"You don't mean that," Yuigahama murmured softly. "We love you. You can get past this."

"She died in my arms…" I trailed off. "I watched the light leave her eyes."

"It'll be okay. We want to take care of you," Yuigahama set her hand against my face. It felt warm. It was a sunshine curtain. Something inside me stirred and rested.

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-WG