"You got hit by a bus! A bus Rory!" Wha- oh is Lisa. Angry Lisa is cute Lisa, but Lisa is always cute. Wait she said bus, that bastard.
"Tha bus had eit coming." I tell the Lisa.
"No you- That's not the point, the point is you got hit by a bus!"
"You shoulrd see the other guy." I laugh and take a swig of the bottle in my hands. It's empty. Sad times ahead. Wait there's another bottle by my foot. Attempting to grab said bottle doesn't go well and it falls over, also empty, shit.
"Of course, you're too drunk to care. Or you wouldn't even if you weren't drunk." Lisa starts pacing in double. Wait that was rood. Lisa is mean. "I can't even get mad at you for this, you weren't even trying to die this time."
"If it worked that woulda been cool."
"Shut up."
"Yessir. Maam, you're a maam." There, that should make her happy. I look up and see her deep in thought.She does not look happy.
"I'm going to come by more often." She says with a nod. Lisa don't just give yourself permission to invade my no-no square. Wait, it's a lighthouse, that's a cylinder. My thoughts are getting clearer already fuck. I need to use the rest of my drunk to do something, the alcohol demands it.
"You're hot when you're angry." I say with a smirk and it pisses her off, proving my point.
"You are absolutely insuffer- You wanted this you asshole." She cuts herself off mid-mini-rant and scowls at me. Joke's on her scowling Lisa is also hot. "I'm feeding the dog and getting you a glass of water. Drink it." Then she goes to do just that.
"Borf!" The said dog seems to have already confirmed Lisa as his other owner. I should really figure out a name for him. But naming him makes it all seem so final… I'm not sure I'm ready for that responsibility.
My thoughts come with the startling realization I'm now fully sober. Before Lisa could even start sobering me up. With a heavy sigh, I close my eyes, and when I open them I'm still here.
How disappointing.
/
A few days later and people are acting like they know me, and I don't like it. Well, everyone from the party that I barely remember. The ones I made breakfast for the morning after being a tad bit more recognizable. But the only names I walked away from that with were Steve and Rory the ginger.
"Bro you were wild the other night." Another person I hardly remember tells me with cheer and a thumbs up. Thank you random citizen that I apparently interacted with.
"Rory! My man!" Oh hey, I know this one! Rory number two gives me a fist bump that I obviously accept. "Everyone else is walking around like a zombie still, and here you are perfectly fine. Absolutely crazy man."
"I've always been good with my totally legal inebriation. And that was a few days ago, they must be weak." Marjuna is extremely illegal here in New Hampshire still. Unlike my home country, well my home country that's 10 years in the future, 2011 kind of sucks yo.
"Still crazy." Rory two says with a chuckle. "You ever find miss suck and go?"
"No, not yet." God damnit, I had almost forgot about that.
"Well good luck man, I've got a class to get to I'll catch you later." He gives me pat on the back.
"Yeah yeah, get going already." He does so with another laugh. Good guy, and cheerful too. Now I really would feel bad if I let his cousin get turned into a gimps drug pet. Fuck. No use thinking about it now, I've got a class to get to.
...
Is this a joke? Does the world hate me? I think such thoughts as I look at the crackhead holding a knife toward me. Why is it every goddamned time I go outside something stupid happens?
"W-Wallet, hand it over!" The dirty man dressed in stained gray sweatpants and a hoodie demands with a quiver in his voice. I just sigh as I look down at the man a few inches shorter than I. This guy has to be homeless, I don't want to beat up a homeless guy.
"Buddy, look, I will give you the two hundred cash in my wallet. Also, put the knife down you're holding it wrong."
"Don't tell me wha-" Before he finishes talking I've already sighed again, then one hand to his wrist, the other slapping the back of his right hand, and the knife goes sailing to his left. It clacks uselessly against the wall and falls to the ground. Seriously dude, don't look so shocked. If he had a good grip on the knife, or had it held properly, that wouldn't have worked.
"Don't run." I tell the man who was just about to run. I then take out my wallet and pull out a single hundred, and four twenties. "I was mistaken, I only had $180. Here." I give it to the shocked man. "I would say buy food or clothes but we both know you'll use it for drugs."
"I… I'm sorry for trying to mug you?" He says hesitantly.
"Mugging isn't the way man, not in a city with this many capes. What if you tried mugging Lung or something?" Very unlikely, but the thought amuses me.
"I hadn't thought of that. Sorry again, and thank you." He goes to leave.
"Wait. You forgot your knife." I walk over and grab it, giving it back to the shocked man. "Self-defense weapons are just as important in a city like this. Now go find work at a gas station, or a factory. Those places are always hiring."
"Thanks, again." He says as he leaves. I just shake my head and continue walking home.
...
Lisa's busy today. She told me she would be busy today… One couldn't hurt. Just the one. I feel like an addict trying to sneak in another fix as I climb up the stairs to the balcony of my home. Breathe in that fresh air, wonderful. Man, the ground looks soo far away, what would happen if I just slipped? Surely Lisa won't get mad I lost my balance.
Whoops! The air feels so nice on my sk-Why am I stopping? Why am I in someone's arms!? What is this bullshit!?
"Did you seriously jump off your lighthouse?" Why the fuck is Vicky holding me.
"Why the fuck are you holding me?" I ask my thoughts.
"I saw you falling? It was a reaction. No better yet, why are you jumping off a lighthouse?" No, she can't do this to me, I was so close. Ah fuck I can't just say what I was actually doing.
"I slipped." Ten outta ten excuse.
"I literally saw you throw yourself off."
"Why do blonde girls keep interfering with my life?" I ask the world as Vicky lets me out of her arms on the ground.
"Wait, it's specifically blondes? That's kind of funny." The current blonde problem says.
"Why are you stalking me Vicky?" I ask as I stretch out my arms. She squirms a bit at the question.
"Stalking is a strong word. I'd say appropriately interested in the dude who called me weather girl and ran away."
"I'm not going to explain that, it would ruin the joke."
"I wasn't ask- Do you do this on purpose? Throw people off constantly?" No Vicky don't ask those questions. We don't like those questions around these parts.
"I dunno, do you have double d's or are they regular d's?" Sexual harassment always gets girls to go away!
"Double." No, she answered! Why did she just answer!? Also nice. "Do you take anything seriously?"
"I try not to, to be perfectly honest." I admit with a shrug. "Don't you have a boyfriend? I know I'm rich and hot but I'm not into NTR."
"I don't know what NTR is, and we're on a break." She answers, I will not explain. Fuck it, I'll throw my two cents in.
"Constantly breaking up and getting together again is called relationship cycling. And seventy percent of the people that go through that call it quits." I tell her with a shrug.
"Why do you know that? And I don't want relationship advice." She scowls and crosses her arms over her chest and not under. Damn.
"I have a bachelors in psychology. Accelerated program and took my first year in high school like you're doing for Parahuman studies." This universes me didn't drop out like a loser, and he skipped straight to a BA instead of going for an Associate's Degree. Which, is fucking useless.. Not as it matters much, at this point I just go to school to have something to do. I'm still in sociology, criminology, and even more psychology. I've kind of been half-assing on getting that masters cus what's the point? This whole world is going down before I can see that degree.
"I really didn't expect you to be this qualified." Vicky blinks.
"I'm qualified in alcohol and bitches."
"I'm not a bitch."
"Wanna bet?" I smirk in my smuggest smirking way. She narrows her eyes at me.
"You enjoy making people mad when they worry about you, is what I'm picking up."
"You don't even know me, Vicky."
"Rory McGrath, a bit of a shut-in but apparently can really liven up a party. And I know you're a cape."
"Maybe you do know me, that's kind of creepy." I eye her more carefully. It's like she took me dodging her as a challenge. The way she looks unrepentant fits with what I know of her. Prideful, but fragile, Victoria Dallon is like a mansion made of glass. Not something healthy. Do I want to bother? Fuck it, at least if she gets mad she'll go away. "I recommend seeking therapy Vicky, I see the first signs of what I have in you."
"And that is?"
"Clinical depression." I deadpan, I'm well aware of my issues. That one's even registered here and my last life. She deflates at that.
"You don't know anything about me." Oh boy, I'm about to do something called a pro-gamer move. Hopefully, this gets her to go the fuck away. Nothing against Vicky, But I already have a smug blonde stopping me from offing myself.
"You aren't invulnerable, you have a shield with a one to two-second delay. Which you are already aware of. Two gunshots can put you down or something of the same level of force." I start off with an easy one but she already looks a bit shaken.
"That, you shouldn't know that, but it's not that bad." Oh Vicky, prideful to a fault.
"Your father has depression worse than me to the point he doesn't do anything and everyone gave up on helping him, and your mother's love is entirely conditional on you being a hero." Man, I hate using Ward knowledge, I wish I could just call it all non-canon bullshit but with how ass this world is a lot of it likely is canon. "And you have anger issues." Oh, she's crying.Oh, she's swinging her fist at me. Yes, Vicky! Give me death!
And all I know is pain as my body ragdolls with a burst of black liquid being left in its wake,and I instantly know it didn't work as I feel one of those things ready to burst out.
Nope nope nope we are not doing that today!
It takes all my will to force it back down, back into the black fist-sized crack in my face, in between the marble-white flesh. And now I'm just laying on the gravel in an uncomfortable heap. "Oh my god I'm so sorry, please be alive please be alive." And now I have a bubbling Vicky panicking over me. She flips me over and- I can't talk. God fucking- I start blinking awkwardly at her as she rests my head on her legs. "Your mouth is sealed again? I'm sorry, thank god you're okay." Okay isn't how I would put it Victoria.
Instead of speaking, because I can't, I motion to her to take us inside which she complies with while constantly apologizing and crying. Vicky, I'm the one that almost had his head punched off, why are you the one crying? Have more tact Vicky, this is embarrassing. "Woof!" Big boy sees me and trots over, then he starts growling when he realizes the blonde all over me isn't Lisa. Man, she turned him into such a simp. Is my mouth clear yet? I flap my lips open and closed. Yes, yes it is.
"It's fine boy, she's good. I think. Are you going to punch me again? Actually, can you fly like super high and drop me?"
"No! Why would you want that? Why did you lean into that punch!?" Vicky asks a bit hysterically.
"Cards on the table? I want to die. And to prove a point." I get up from the loveseat Vicky put me on, and crack my neck. Vicky winces, tear marks cover her eyes that she is refusing to look at me with. I put a hand to where she hit me and sigh, my beard is ruined. Ah fuck it, I'll shave it all off. I walk over to the door to my washroom, something that was definitely attached to the lighthouse as an afterthought.
"Where… What are you doing?" Vicky asks as I just grab a razor and start. Not like I need to worry about damaging my skin.
"Shaving."
"How can you act so casually after that? You were right, about everything, I'm fucked in the head and need help. And now you're fucking shaving as if nothing happened?"
I don't respond right away. She obviously needs a second to think about things. I just keep shaving. Man, this is why I don't shave. Now I just look like a pretty boy.
Spoiler:I figured out how to do spoiler pics
"I feel I shouldn't be so attracted to a guy who just emotionally bullied me as a suicide attempt." When did Vicky get behind me?
"Wait, you didn't leave? I was fully expecting you to just go home or something." No seriously does she like abuse? Is Vicky an emotional masochist?
"You said you have a bachelor's in psychology?" She asks with a weird glint in her eye and I nod hesitantly. "Then psychology me, be my therapist, you seemingly already know what my problems are surely you know how to deal with them?"
"No, that's not how it works."
"Please." Is my spine a wet noodle? Do I have a weakness to pretty girls asking me to do something I probably shouldn't? Or is it just a fetish for blondes?
"I'll probably try to fuck you, which should be a warning right there." Sexual harassment is a go, now go away!
"I'll take the risk." Vicky stop! Please stop doing that god damnit! Stop flirting with me you just fucking met me! God damn teenagers are dumb as shit.
"Fine. But you're a dumbass. No don't giggle at that, I'm insulting you, you fucking idiot."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a dumb blonde with anger issues." She sticks out her tongue.
"I'm already regretting agreeing to this."