I don't think I need to explain to anyone why my broken heart and shattered soul needed to write this.
Reference to Ivy by Taylor Swift (a looot more references to come next chapter, just you wait)
This fic now has a Translation into Vietnamese here on Wattpad done by Rio627!
story/350298728-vtrans-good-omens-i-forgive-you
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
I forgive you.
Aziraphale watched as Crowley walked out the door. He'd seen the demon walk out of the bookshop a million times, always knowing that he'd walk right back in the same door tomorrow.
This time, the door closed with a stifling sense of irrevocability.
This time, Crowley wasn't just walking out of his bookshop.
This time, Crowley was walking out of his life.
His whole body trembled, his hand quivering uncontrollably as he brought it up to his tingling lips, lips that had been pressed against Crowley's only moments ago. He could still feel the demon's warmth, the harsh pull of Crowley's shaking hands fisted in the lapels of his coat.
It had been forceful, an action clearly born from desperation, but still so gentle in a way that only Crowley had ever been with him.
He had wanted to melt into it, to grasp the demon in return and hold on tight until their words of anger were forgotten, until Crowley agreed to stay by his side as Aziraphale needed him to.
But he knew Crowley wouldn't, he didn't understand what he was trying to do, what he was trying to do for them both.
All Aziraphale allowed himself was a single moment, one single moment to rest his hands on Crowley's back, one single moment of indulgence before his sense of responsibility forced them apart again.
He would never forget the look on Crowley's face when he said it. The little breath of air that left the demon's lungs.
It had looked like acceptance, sounded like disappointment, tasted like finality.
I forgive you.
Foolish. Stupid. Cruel.
Those hadn't been the words sitting at the tip of his tongue. Far from it.
But it didn't matter. Those had been the words he spoke, and he couldn't take them back now.
He had gathered himself quickly when the Metatron came in, had put on a smile that was worth being called angelic. He hadn't had to use that smile in years, not since communication with Heaven had been cut off.
With Crowley, he had never needed that smile.
With Crowley, his smiles had been real.
It felt even more forced now than it did before his exile.
"How did he take it?", the Metatron asked, and Aziraphale felt a laugh claw its way out of his throat that sounded fake even to his own ears.
"Eh...not well."
Not well indeed.
"Ah, well, always did want to go his own way. Always asking damn fool questions, too."
And no, Aziraphale thought. He wanted to go our way, with me. He asked just the right questions, but no one wanted to hear them.
"Right, ready to start?"
The Metatron looked at him expectantly, and Aziraphale found himself hesitating, found himself wanting to stall, as if there was a chance Crowley might come back if he just delayed and waited long enough.
"Anything you need to take with you?"
Not anything. That wasn't the right question.
This wasn't about something, it was about someone. But he wasn't coming.
"No", Aziraphale said, the truth of that word sinking in and settling heavily in his chest. "Nothing I can think of."
And perhaps this wasn't right after all, it certainly didn't feel right, not anymore, not like this, not at this price, but...
Aziraphale looked out the window, at the world he was leaving behind. He looked around his bookshop, the home he was giving up. He looked at the empty space that Crowley should have filled with his presence, and-
"I-I think I..."
I think I can't do this, he wanted to say.
I think I can't accept your offer after all, he wanted to say.
I think I've made a mistake, he wanted to say.
But the Metatron was waiting at the door, waiting at the door for him, like he was needed, like he was important.
He had agreed to this. He had duties now. He had responsibilities.
Aziraphale forced himself to smile.
"Nothing at all."
~oOo~
I forgive you.
The words burned like acid in Crowley's ears.
Of all the things he had imagined Aziraphale to say- not that. Never that.
He hadn't even moved when Crowley kissed him. Just for a second, he thought he could feel the angel's warm hands stroking gently down his back, but then they were gone, Aziraphale rigid and tense where Crowley was pressing into him.
It shouldn't have been like this. After millennia of dreaming of this moment, it shouldn't have been like this.
This was forceful and desperate and a means to an end. A last hysterical attempt to make the angel understand, to change his mind and stay. A violent cry for help when he realised this might be the last chance he'd ever get to kiss Aziraphale, even if it wasn't what he'd wanted.
In his dreams, it had been slow and gentle and romantic. In his dreams, Aziraphale had smiled at him when their lips parted.
Now, all he could see on the angel's face was shock, horror and disgust.
Aziraphale's breathing was harsh, his shoulders heaving, his hands trembling.
I forgive you, he said then, shattering Crowley's world around him.
Words that should be a kindness, turned into missiles that drove through Crowley's chest and left his heart in tattered pieces.
A gesture that should be one of love, turned into an infringement that needed to beg forgiveness.
He was far beyond forgiveness anyway, and they both knew it.
We can be together, Aziraphale had said. As angels.
Didn't he know Crowley at all? Didn't he know that Crowley had absolutely no interest in going back to that? It had taken him quite some time to be comfortable in his own skin after the Fall, but he had learned to be content with who he was. And Aziraphale...Aziraphale was the only one who had never made him feel like he was somewhat lesser for being a demon. Sure, the angel could play into his holier-than-thou attitude from time to time, especially in the beginning, but it had never felt malicious. Crowley had always felt...accepted, appreciated even.
But apparently, that had all been a lie. Aziraphale didn't want him. At least not like this.
He should have known that this wasn't good enough. That he wasn't good enough.
We can be angels again. The joy in Aziraphale's eyes had been like a slap to Crowley's face. He would never go back to that. He would've followed the angel anywhere, anywhere he wanted to go. Anywhere but there.
How could Ariraphale have been so stupid to fall for Heaven's agenda again? He'd thought they were finally beyond that, that Aziraphale had finally understood that Heaven wasn't how it liked to present itself - surely, the Armageddon-That-Wasn't had made that abundantly clear.
How could he go back to that place, where they had never understood him, never appreciated him, never even respected him? How could he choose those people, angels that had treated him like he wasn't worth the dirt under their shoes, had threatened his life and actively tried to destroy him - how could that mean more to him than Crowley did?
Nothing lasts forever, Aziraphale had said.
Right. Nothing. Not the bookshop, not Earth, not them.
Perhaps he'd been nothing but a fool.
Perhaps it had all been nothing but absurd, senseless dreaming that an angel would ever choose someone like him.
Perhaps he'd just spent the last six thousand years living and dying for stolen moments on begged and borrowed time.
Nothing else.
~oOo~
He had barely been able to look at Crowley, standing across the street by his car.
He had stood there like he was waiting for something, and Aziraphale couldn't look at that too closely, couldn't think about that too closely, not if he wanted to bring himself to actually set foot in that elevator.
It felt pointless now, when it wasn't with Crowley, wasn't for Crowley.
He had thought that if he could lead Heaven, all threats of someone coming after them would finally be erased. They could have been safe and happy. Crowley could have been safe and happy. He could have made sure that Crowley would be safe and happy.
And perhaps, just perhaps he'd have the means to right some of his past wrongdoings. Perhaps he could make up for past mistakes, really change something for the better, make a real difference.
Perhaps he could create a world where he and Crowley could be happy together. It was their best chance, wasn't it? Why didn't Crowley see that?
They had tried to just live their lives here, on Earth. They had tried and failed. They would never be safe here, not while they were exiles, not while Heaven and Hell could go back on their promises to leave them alone, not while demons could find their way over the threshold of his bookshop and archangels could drop by whenever they pleased. They could never be free here, never have peace, never let their guard down and just be.
And Crowley...Crowley had always been the one who did the work. Crowley had always been the one who rescued him, who got him out of trouble, who took steps to keep their friendship blossoming, who sought out Aziraphale's company, who treated him to dinner and indulged the silly little things he took joy in and tolerated his shortcomings again and again and again.
Just this once, Aziraphale had thought he could be the one to do something for Crowley.
Just this once, he had wanted to show him that he was willing to put in the work as well, to make an effort to make Crowley happy, to show that he was willing to give up the comfort of his bookshop and the pleasure of food and drink and life on Earth, that he was willing to sacrifice everything to make sure he and Crowley could be together.
Nothing lasts forever, he had told him.
I don't need any of this, he had meant, I don't need this shop that I've made home, I don't need fancy little sushi restaurants where they know me, I don't need cocoa in the evening over a good book, I don't need movies and music and all the beautiful human things I've found pleasure in - all I need is to be with you.
He'd wanted to finally give Crowley everything he deserved.
He'd wanted them to be together, to be allowed to be together.
You can lead Heaven, the Metatron had said.
You'll be appreciated, Aziraphale had heard, you'll have the power to shape your future, the future of the Earth you both love so much.
You'll be safe, he had promised. Your demon will be safe too. He can even be with you. He can be with you just as you are now, just as you are meant to be. No one will scoff at it, no one will try to tear you apart again.
And after all this time, after everything they'd gone through - who could blame Aziraphale for wanting to believe him? Who could blame him for wanting to believe, when angels had been created to believe in the first place? Who could blame him for wanting to trust, to restore the faith he had slowly lost yet desperately clung to for millions of years?
And Crowley had always been...good. No matter how hard the demon tried to deny it, Aziraphale knew no other being so good and kind and full of empathy and love. He had saved Job's children, his goats. He had tried to save animals from drowning in the flood. He had constantly defied both Hell's and Heaven's orders, without a single care if it put him in danger, just because he knew in his heart that it was the right thing to do.
As an angel, he could have followed his aching desire to do good without restraint, without having to defy his own nature. He could have blossomed to his full potential, could have found the youthful spirit and unadulterated joy again that Aziraphale had witnessed in him the first time they met, back before the Earth existed, when there were no humans and no demons and Crowley had created the most extraordinary stars and marvelled shamelessly at their beauty.
This was what Aziraphale had wanted to offer him.
This was what he'd hoped could wait for them if he accepted the Metatron's offer.
Life in Heaven, yes, but at least a life together, safe and joyful, without restraint.
But Crowley hadn't understood.
Instead, Crowley had kissed him like it was the last time he'd ever get the chance.
Because it was.
And all Aziraphale had to say was I forgive you.
I'm very good at forgiveness. It's one of my favourite things, he'd told Maggie.
Now, the word crumbled to ashes in his mouth.