Disclaimer: I am a poor white American writing on therefore it should be obvious I don't own Naruto.
"Speech"
'Joe's thoughts'
D the Stampede presents
Joe the Wanderer: Book One
Chapter One-Out of Limbo, Into Wave Country
One
"Wake up, Joseph!"
"Ugh, my head," Joe whined as consciousness slowly returned to him. He had a massive migraine. "What the hell was in my drinks last night?"
"Joseph, you fool, it wasn't the drinks that brought you to the position you're in, but the car accident you were in afterwards."
"What?" Joe shouted as his eyes shot open. He immediately regretted both actions as the pain in his head doubled. Then, as the black spots cleared from his sight, he saw something something impossible. Standing over him was his twin even though he was an only child. And yet, the stranger was his exact double, from his brown hair and eyes to his plain face and height of six feet. "If it wasn't for the pain in my head, I'd swear I was dreaming," He said.
"Oh, Joseph, this is very real," his doppelganger assured him before offering Joe a hand standing up.
"Okay," Joe said as he stumbled to his feet with his doppelganger's help, "But what the hell is going on, anyway?"
"Oh, this has nothing to do with hell, Joseph," the doppelganger said, "Even though that is where you were going if I hadn't gotten involved. The god of your reality hates atheists, after all."
"I repeat; What the hell is going on?" Joe fairly snarled.
"Long version or short version?" the doppelganger asked. Joe punched him in the face. And then, blinked in surprise as the doppelganger was thrown onto his back. Joe was staring silently at his still extended fist when the doppelganger spoke again, "Alright, human, I'll take that. However, attack me again and I'll make you beg to die. Do you understand?"
Before Joe could reply, his nervous system was lit ablaze. At least, that's what it felt like. When the pain stopped, he was on the ground again with the doppelganger standing over him again. He said, "I understand."
"You do not, not yet," the doppelganger replied, "But you will. You see, I am a god. A god of chaos known as the Faceless One. And don't bother telling me you haven't heard of me, I know that already. For, you see, I was imprisoned in Limbo centuries ago. It has only been recently that the seals that bind me have begun to fail. Oh, it is not enough for me to make my escape yet, but I was able to reach out and bring you here and will be able to send you away again. As for you, yesterday was your twenty-first birthday, so you went out drinking with friends and once closing time came around, made the suicidal decision to drive back to your dorm and got into a fatal car crash."
"I don't remember any car crash," Joe said.
"Your fragile human psyche has blocked the memories, surely," the Faceless One stated.
"Okay, but what do you want with me?" Joe asked.
"Entertainment," the Faceless One replied.
"Entertainment? What do you mean?" Joe asked, confused.
"It's like this," the Faceless One said, "The centuries of being trapped here in Limbo have left me utterly bored and possibly a little insane. So, now that the opportunity to do something has arisen, I took it. You will be my agent in spreading chaos throughout the multiverse."
"The Multiverse? That's a thing?" Joe asked as he stood up again.
"Yes, it is a thing," The Faceless One said, "And you shall travel it. Starting in the Elemental Countries."
"The Naruto-verse? What do you expect me to do there except get myself killed?" Joe asked incredulously.
"Oh, you have the means to survive," the Faceless One replied before throwing a punch at Joe's face.
To Joe's surprise, however, he blocked said punch easily. Then, shaking his stinging hand, Joe said, "So what? You've stuffed the knowledge of how to fight into my head?"
"I did much more then that," the Faceless One replied. Here he held up a hand forestalling Joe's reply. He then continued, "You are in better shape than you ever thought of being in your life. You also have a large amount of chakra and a regeneration factor similar to that of a Jinchuuriki."
"A regeneration factor?" Joe asked.
"Look down at yourself," the Faceless One replied.
Joe did as ordered, noting that he was naked in the process and that his body was the toned yet lean body of a martial artist. He then noticed something else and asked, "Where the hell are all my scars?"
"Healed due to your new regeneration factor," the Faceless One explained.
"Not that I was all that attached to my scars, but don't you think I'll stand out because of that?" Joe asked.
"I suppose," the Faceless One said with a shrug.
"Can I have some clothes, please?" Joe asked. With another shrug, the Faceless One snapped his fingers and clothes appeared on Joe's body. Joe then paused to examine what he was now wearing. From the blue shirt and pants to the ninja sandals it was pretty much what a Chunin of Konoha would wear minus the flak vest. Strapped to his thighs were a pair of sheathed knives. Unsheathing one of his new knives, Joe examined it. It was a rather plain single edge knife. Sheathing it again, Joe asked, "So what else can I do besides punch people and cut them with these?"
"Your chakra nature is wind and you are capable of channeling it through the knives as well as using several wind based ninjutsu. You also know the Kage Bunshin and Bunshin Bakuha," the Faceless One replied.
"Wind chakra nature, shadow clones and knives," Joe summarized before saying, "you took my abilities right out of that Fanfic Lessons of Experience, didn't you?"
"Yes. Even though it is incomplete and has basically been left for dead for years now, it is a favorite of yours," the Faceless One explained, "However, this conversation begins to bore me so it is time for you to go." That said a portal appeared behind Joe and the Faceless One shoved him through it.
Two
Upon reaching the other end of the portal, Joe found himself in mid-air over water. As he fell, he loudly cursed out the Faceless One. Then, after splashing down, Joe remembered that the ninja of the Naruto-verse could walk on water and he attempted the feat himself. Once he succeeded, he wondered aloud, "Where the fucking hell am I?"
"You are standing on the ocean a short walk away from Wave Country's east coast," the Faceless One replied inside his head.
"Okay," Joe said as he turned around to find that land was behind him maybe a mile away, "So now you're inside my head."
"You need not speak aloud for me to hear you." the Faceless One replied, "And in truth, I am still trapped within Limbo. I merely created a link between us so I can watch your upcoming adventures and be entertained."
As Joe started walking towards land, he asked silently, 'So now that I know where I am; when did I get here?'
"Hatake Kakashi and Momochi Zabuza are fighting right now," the Faceless One said.
'That narrows it down a little bit, but seeing as you want to see how I change things I'm guessing it's their first battle,' Joe thought back.
"Well reasoned," the Faceless One replied, "It is indeed the first time they do battle."
'So what the hell do you expect me to do, anyway? I mean I'm too far away to affect the outcome of this particular battle,' Joe replied.
"That is true. However, I still expect that whatever you do next be entertaining, "the Faceless One said.
'Well, that was vague and unhelpful.'
Three
It was two days of walking before Joe reached a town, the Faceless One complaining about his pace the whole way. 'Huh,' Joe thought while looking around the town, 'This place looks like a ghost town.'
"They likely believe you are one of Gato's thugs," the Faceless One replied.
"Great… How do I communicate with them when they are scared to death of me? Wait… Can I even speak to them?" Joe asked aloud.
"Yes, yes you can, Joseph," the Faceless One replied, "I've given you the gift of understanding and speaking all mortal languages."
"Okay…" Joe began to reply, but was interrupted by a crash and a woman's scream coming from the nearest house, "Looks like that's my cue," he said as he ran towards the house and into it through the smashed door. Once inside, he found a pair of thugs ripping said woman's clothes off, "Hey, motherfuckers, leave her alone."
"What?" Thug one asked intelligently.
"Hey, looks like we have a hero on our hands," said the other thug as they turned to face Joe.
"Looks like," Joe agreed as he drew his knives.
"You think you scare us," said thug two as both thugs drew their katana. Then, they rushed Joe intent on cutting him down. And found themselves holding nothing but hilts a second later.
"Ninja!" thug one cried out as they dropped their hilts in shock. Joe then stabbed them through their hearts with his wind chakra encased blades.
"You alright?" Joe asked the woman as the thugs dropped to the floor dead. She didn't respond. Kneeling by one of the dead thugs, Joe wiped his blades off on said thug's pants. He then said, "I'm not here to hurt you. So, I'll ask again, are you alright?"
"I think so, shinobi-san," she replied shakily, "Thank you."
"I'm no ninja," Joe sighed before adding, "You wouldn't happen to know where Gato lives, do you?"
"Oh no, shinobi-san, you don't want to attack Gato. He has a small army of thugs like these two as well as other shinobi in his employ," She said.
"I've already taken a stand just by killing these two and saving you," Joe said, "Might as well go all in and try to save your country."
"I guess so… If you're sure about this, shinobi-san, then you should know that Gato's Mansion is west down the road just before the main town of Wave Country."
Joe's stomach growled suddenly and he asked embarrassed, "You have anything to eat? It's been two days since I have had anything but water."
"Oh! Of course, shinobi-san. Just allow me to get dressed first," She replied.
Four
"Hey, you! Who the fuck do you think you are?" One of Gato's guards shouted at Joe as he approached the door of Gato's Mansion.
"Me? I'm Gato's goddamn executioner!" Joe shouted back before he charged the mansion's front door.
"No, you're a dead man!" the thug shouted back as he attempted to skewer Joe with his spear. Only to stare in shock when Joe disappeared in a puff of smoke. When the smoke cleared a second later, his surprise grew as it was revealed that he had stabbed his fellow door guard through the heart, "What?"
"Kawarimi no Jutsu," Joe replied as he beheaded the surprised thug with a wind-enhanced blade. Then, he turned to the doors and blasted them inward with a Fuuton: Daitoppa. "Knock, knock," he said as he entered the mansion. Two more thugs had been crushed by the doors as they flew inwards, but the commotion had attracted the attention of everyone else in the house. As Gato's small army of thugs swarmed into the mansion's foyer, Joe shouted out to them, "Hey, I'm here to kill the midget you call your boss, so if you'll let me through, none of you assholes has to die!"
"You can't kill us all, ninja," one brave soul said before they all charged at Joe. Joe drew his knives and met their charge head-on. A few seconds later, a dozen thugs were dead or had mortal wounds, but one lucky thug had gotten behind Joe and stabbed him through his right lung with a katana. "So what do you say now, ninja?" He asked.
"Boom," Joe wheezed before exploding.
Five
"What the hell was that?" Gato asked his bodyguards.
"Sounded like an explosion, boss," Waraji said, the tattooed, eye-patch wearing mercenary shrugging.
"Right in one," Joe said from behind Gato, "Seems like your unfortunate buddies set off my Bunshin Bakuha. I'd apologize for damaging the mansion, Gato, but I am here to kill you."
"Let's not be hasty, ninja-San," Gato said as he looked at Joe and realized he wore no forehead protector, "I'll pay more than you're getting to kill me to go kill Tazuna the bridge builder."
"Of that I have no doubt," Joe said, causing Gato to sigh in relief, "Because I'm not killing you for a paycheck." That said, he beheaded Gato. Waraji and Zouri fled upon seeing their boss die. "Now to find Zabuza and tell him his paycheck isn't coming."
"That won't be necessary," said an unexpected voice from behind Joe.
"What?" Joe asked as he turned around. Holding him at sword point was a bear-masked Konoha ANBU.
"Momochi Zabuza and his accomplice have already been captured," Bear replied, "Now surrender your weapons and prepare to be taken to Konoha to be interrogated."
"And why should I go to Konoha if I'm going to be interrogated?" Joe asked, dropping his knives as the ANBU pressed his sword against Joe's chest.
"It does not look like you have a choice in the matter," Bear said.
"There is one thing you should know, Bear," Joe said.
"Which is?" Bear asked.
"I'm just a Kage Bunshin," Joe said before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Six
'What the hell was an ANBU doing at Gato's mansion?' Joe thought at the Faceless One as he suppressed his chakra in case the ANBU on the island had a sensor-nin among them.
"What, you thought Kakashi would be as reckless with the last loyal Uchiha and Konoha's Jinchuuriki as he was in the manga? No, he sent for back-up after the encounter with the Demon brothers," the Faceless One explained.
'Wonderful…' Joe thought with a groan, 'How the hell do I get off this island?' But the Faceless one was silent.
"Shinobi-san, are you alright?" his hostess asked.
"I'm fine. Just received the memories of my Kage Bunshin, is all," Joe replied, "Gato and most of his thugs are dead and Leaf ninja are here to mop up the rest. And they're looking for me as well, so I'll be going now."
"Huh? Why, shinobi-san?" she asked.
"It's probably better for you if you don't know anything," Joe said as he took his leave.
Seven
"Kakashi," A Tiger-masked ANBU said as he appeared in the forest clearing where Team Seven were training, "There has been another complication to this mission."
"What is it, Tora?" Kakashi asked.
"When Bear went to kill Gato and his thugs, the task had been mostly completed by an unknown. Or rather, a pair of the unknown's bunshin, One a Kage Bunshin and the other a Bunshin Bakuha," Tora explained.
"I see… Has a report been sent to the Hokage?" Kakashi asked.
"The messenger hawk is on it's way and the others are searching for the unknown as we speak."
Author's Note
So begins Joe's journey once again. Please review if you bother to read this.