Quote Prompt #66: "Missing you comes in waves…tonight I'm drowning."

Tonight I'm Drowning

~oOo~

It had been a while since Olivia thought about Elliot Stabler. She'd locked him away in a part of her heart. Shut down the memories so tight that she allowed herself some measure of peace.

To allow her to breathe.

To be.

Some days it didn't help. There were crisp fall mornings when he'd bring her a warm cup of coffee on stakeouts. Or, when the hotdog guy down the street forgot her extra relish. Or when she had to get stuck candy out of the vending machine with a trick he'd taught her.

Those were the days when grief hit in her waves. Today was one of the worst. She'd stared at the black band around her shield and thought about Elliot—and how much she missed his presence.

She longed to be able to pick up the phone and call him. The need to hear his voice was stronger than it had been in years. As Brian had once accused, there was really only one person in the world that she'd ever been comfortable baring her soul to.

"Liv? I heard about Tucker." Fin stepped into her office, closing the door behind him. "How you doing?"

"He took his life with his old 38." Olivia shook her head. "I just don't know what to do with that."

"There's nothing you can do with it. It just is."

Olivia leaned back into her chair. She covered her eyes with her arm and took a moment to try to process the news. "He left his wife a letter, his benefits, his pension. He told her that he didn't want her to spend the best years of her life taking care of a dying man. He had brain cancer."

"Shit. I didn't know." Fin came closer to her. "He was suffering, Liv. That's not how he'd want to be remembered."

"I know. I know." Olivia let her arm fall back down and finally met his gaze. "It's just a lot of rain in one place."

"You don't need to be here alone." Fin reached out to pick up the photo from Paris that she'd been staring at. "Let me drive you home."

"I'll be okay. I'm good." Olivia tried to wave off his concern. She glanced at the other photo that she'd pulled out from her desk drawer. It was from her first year of partnership with Elliot. "You ever miss Munch?"

"Nah. I just give him a call whenever I want someone to rant about JFK's assassination for an hour." Fin smirked when she was surprised into a laugh. "You missing your old partner?"

Olivia dropped her gaze back to the photo on her desk. "I doubt he ever thinks about me."

"Why are you lyin' to yourself like that?" Fin took the final step over to stand next to her desk. He set the photo of Ed down and reached out to pick the one of Elliot up. "What if I could get his number?"

"Fin."

"What if I could get his number?"

Olivia leaned forward. She could easily read between the lines. "How long have you had his number?"

"You really wanna know?" Fin pulled his phone out of his pocket. Olivia almost wanted to recoil from it, fearful that Elliot might not want to hear from her. She managed a nod when she realized he was waiting for an answer. "Rob Miller."

"Fin."

"I ain't apologizing. He would've had your back like none of us could." Fin shrugged. He grabbed a pen and notepad off her desk, jotting down a number before placing it in front of her. "For what it's worth, he had no idea about Lewis."

"I…" Olivia had no idea what to do with the number in front of her—with the possibilities in front of her. "Fin."

"Give him a call, Liv. I'll be waitin' whenever you're ready to go home." Fin left her alone in her office.

It was several minutes before Olivia even processed what had happened. She set the photo of Elliot down and picked up the notepad. She traced her fingers over the number.

Could she do it?

Could she take the risk?

What would Ed have said? Olivia could hear him telling her not to waste time. She grabbed her phone and placed a call before her brain could catch up with her heart.

"Stabler."

Olivia froze. She had no idea what to say to him. She wanted to scream at him…to rage at him. But she also found herself wanting to sob in relief at the sound of his voice. "I…"

"Liv? That you?"

"Someone I loved died. He took his own life." She couldn't hold back the tears anymore, not hearing the depth of concern in his voice. "I'm just…I'm drowning, Elliot. I'm drowning, and no one seems to notice. I feel lonelier than I have in years."

"I'll be on the next flight."

"Elliot." Olivia didn't want him to disrupt his family for her moment of weakness. She ruthlessly crushed the part of her that whispered it was exactly what she needed. Someone to demonstrate that she mattered for more than just her contribution to special victims. "I can't let you do that. Kathy…"

"Kathy filed for divorce last week when I told her I'd been approached by the NYPD about a liaison position here in Rome." Elliot didn't give her time to process that particular bombshell. "I turned down the position, but it helped me make a decision."

"Oh?"

"It was time to come home." Elliot was silent for a few seconds. She wondered if he could hear the sound of her beating heart. "Kathy didn't want to hear it. She wanted to remain in Rome. And I couldn't. Thinking about returning to the NYPD cracked open the seal I'd put around my thoughts and feelings for New York—and you."

"El."

"We'll talk when I get home." Elliot made it sound like it, and her, were synonymous. Maybe they were. He'd always been home for her. "I'll be there as soon as I can get a flight."

It was a long while after they'd ended the call before Olivia was able to pull herself together. She found it hard to believe he was really coming home. Fin gave her a lift home, allowing her to stay lost in her thoughts for longer.

"Liv? You with me?" Fin shook her shoulder lightly. "Liv?"

"I'm fine. Sorry."

"Listen, I've got a gaming thing this weekend. Why don't you let Noah hang out with me?"

"Fin."

"You really want him around for the Stabler Benson mess?" Fin grinned when she smacked him on the chest. "I'm just sayin'. Let him meet your partner after you've had a chance to vent at the bastard."

"He's going to know something's wrong." Olivia knew her son was incredibly perceptive when he wanted to be.

"Not after I ply him with video games and junk food." Fin gave her a pointed look when she went to argue with him. "I'll pick him up in an hour. Gives you plenty of time to throw some shit in a bag for him."

"Fin."

"Just takin' care of family." Fin patted her shoulder and then nodded to the door.

Noah, thankfully, didn't ask too many questions. In no time at all, Olivia was at home alone with nothing but her thoughts. She checked her phone every five seconds, hoping for an update from Elliot.

After the twelfth time, Olivia set her phone down and decided to distract herself. She showered and changed into far more comfortable clothing. She folded the laundry that had been mocking her for days.

Somewhere between folding towels and straightening up the kitchen, Olivia found herself organizing a hall closet. She pulled down a box she'd hidden there years ago. All of the things from the precinct that she hadn't mailed to Elliot.

Carrying it into the living room, Olivia set it down on the coffee table. She opened it up and peered inside. The first thing that caught her attention was a broken mug.

It had been hers. One he'd bought for her the third or fourth year of their partnership. Someone had knocked it off her desk, but she'd kept it.

The knock came far quicker than Olivia had expected. She was still staring at the mug and needed a moment before she could set it down and get to her feet. The door seemed incredibly far away.

So incredibly far away.

There was no second knock. He didn't need to. She'd know that particular sound anywhere.

Olivia finally managed to force her feet to move forward. Her fingers trembled, but she managed to get the door open. And there he was. "Oh my god."

"Just Elliot."

Olivia wanted to laugh, but it came out as a strangled sob. She tilted forward into his arms, which he quickly brought up to support her. "I am so fucking pissed at you."

"I know. And I'm sorry." Elliot shifted his hold of her so he could guide her back into her apartment. He made sure to close the door behind them and set his bag down. "I came straight from the airport."

"How the hell did you make it from Rome in a couple of hours?"

"I wasn't in Rome."

Olivia decided she didn't care where exactly he'd been when she'd called. They could talk about that later. "I'm so tired of being sad and missing people."

"I know. And I'm sorry I added to that pain." Elliot led her over to the sofa. She was pressed up against his side with her arm around him. "So, tell me about the Ed you knew. Because I have a feeling it's different from the man I knew."

"How…"

"You mentioned someone you loved dying, then I heard from a friend about Tucker. It didn't take a detective to put two and two together." Elliot didn't sound like he was judging her. "Tell me about him."

Olivia was silent for a long while. "He loved me."

"Of course he did." Elliot smiled when she elbowed him lightly in the side. "Was he good to you?"

"I…he was. He was good to me and my son. My sweet Noah, who doesn't really remember Ed at all." Olivia sighed. It was one of the reasons she hadn't wanted to bring her grief home with Noah in the house. "We didn't have an easy road. There was a lot of stuff we talked about. But we started as friends. And he loved me."

"And you loved him?"

"I did, but I ended things. I just…I wasn't ready for what he deserved and wanted." Olivia had never regretted letting Ed go. She told Elliot the ins and outs of her relationship. It was strange yet cathartic to be so open with him when he'd never enjoyed hearing about her boyfriends in the past. "He had cancer, and he took his own life. I…he took his own life. I'd just spoken with him. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I say something?"

"Liv. There was nothing you could've done to change the decision he made. It's not your fault." Elliot drew her in closer, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry you're hurting."

"Tell me about Rome."

"It was beautiful. It was sacred and ancient. And everywhere I looked, I coulda sworn I saw you. It was purgatory. And all I did was pray for forgiveness and for release." Elliot sighed deeply. "When the NYPD reached out, I figured it was a sign."

"A sign?"

"Time to come home. Time to try to make amends. To fix relationships that I left behind when I was hurting." Elliot dropped his head back against the cushion. "My kids are thrilled that I'm moving back. If I'm honest, they're thrilled about the divorce. Apparently, Kath and I were terrible at pretending to be happily married."

"Elliot."

"What I'm trying to say is that in a few weeks or months, when I've grovelled sufficiently, and you're not wrapped up in grief, I'd like to take you out for dinner." Elliot was smiling when she tilted her head to look at him. "He may have loved you, Liv. But in fairness, I loved you first—and I've loved you longest even when I couldn't say anything."

Olivia didn't know how to respond to that. There was so much noise in her head from the past few days. The case. Ed's death. Elliot's return. He was right. She needed time to unpack everything. There was only one thing that mattered at the moment. "But you're staying?"

"I am. It's hard to grovel for forgiveness if I don't." Elliot noticed the box on the coffee table. He leaned forward to take a peak. He chuckled before reaching inside to pick something out. "I wondered where this went."

"It was mine." Olivia lied. He held up the NYPD baseball cap that had definitely seen better days. "You lost yours."

"Nope. Definitely mine." Elliot twisted it around. "See? I ripped the label out, and you left yours in."

"I…"

"I kept your hoodie," Elliot admitted.

"The grey one? Stole it out of your locker when I was turning in my papers." Elliot tossed the cap onto the coffee table. "I had to have something to..."

"I get it." Olivia understood what he was trying to say. She'd held onto his cap and his mini badge. She knew what it felt like to want to cling to any little memory. "So, you're definitely staying?"

Elliot didn't tease her for asking for a second time. Instead, he rested his hand on the back of her neck with a familiar warmth and comfort. "I'm not leaving you again. I couldn't. The first time was almost more than my heart could handle."

The author of this SVU - Quills & Shutters story will be revealed in October