At this point it kinda all started getting away from me fr I dunno how many times I added to the chapter count but honestly those two just developed a life of their own and I don't know how to stop them. I just wanna get to the happy part I swear but I guess we'll just have to let it all run its course...
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
"Talk, then. I'm listening."
Aziraphale released a long breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding.
"Thank you", he said, hoping that his sincere relief would be reflected on his face. "What I was trying to say was that I..."
He took a second, ordering his thoughts.
"When the Metatron told me you had been Supreme Archangel", he began, "I finally understood. I think you were...extraordinarily brave to do what you did. And no, I do not view it as a failure, Crowley."
He smiled at the demon, even knowing that he wouldn't get much of a reaction in return.
"Being Supreme Archangel is...an impossible position to fill unless you're willing to follow orders without question", Aziraphale said, "I understand that now. I thought if I had that power, I could make a difference, but I was wrong. You knew that, because you tried. You tried to make a difference, to change things for the better when you started asking questions. And instead of listening, they simply cast you aside."
He could feel anger bubbling up inside him, his jaw clenching with the unfairness of it all, but Crowley didn't need Aziraphale's rage over Heaven's treatment of him right now - what he needed was to understand that Aziraphale never intended to treat him the same way again.
"I see now that there is no real power in Heaven", he went on, "only the semblance of power. They make you feel powerful as long as you do what they want you to. But there is no tolerance for deviation, no room for betterment, they just..."
He sighed, weighed down by the sad reality that his misplaced hope in Heaven had been nothing but a pretty picture he painted himself.
"They just do what they think The Plan commands them to, being good does not mean trying to do the good thing, it just means being obedient, but God hasn't spoken to anyone in hundreds of years!" Aziraphale looked around helplessly. "She is certainly not the one giving orders, so who even knows if it actually is Her will at this point, it's..." Aziraphale sighed, a sound of resignation. "I thought I could make it better, but I can't. I was just...hoping I could..."
Aziraphale hung his head, pressing his eyes closed for a moment.
It hurt, saying out loud what he knew to be true, had known to be true for a while now, but was unable to acknowledge. He had been clinging onto this hope too desperately, wanting it to be true so badly, because what was Heaven if not a space of goodness, what were angels if not the bringers of light, who was he when all he'd ever believed about himself and his people fell apart?
"Angel-"
Aziraphale's head snapped up, his heart jumping in his chest and mouth opening on a silent exhale as the familiar name swept over him, gentle and soft as it had been spoken.
The relief he felt that Crowley could still say it like that was so immense he felt tears gathering in his eyes.
"Am I?" Aziraphale released a sad, watery laugh. "Do I deserve that name? Do any of us? Aren't angels supposed to know what's right, to do the right thing?"
He swallowed hard, shrugging his shoulders in a display of helplessness.
"I have never known what to do", he admitted, to Crowley as much as himself. "For the longest time, I believed I did, but looking back, there is so much regret, Crowley. I-I..."
I don't know what's right anymore.
Except for you. You have always been right, and if I lose you now...
"All I've done to repay your kindness over the years is to push you away", Aziraphale said, glad that he could finally look back into the demon's undisguised eyes, even if it was impossible for him to read any emotion in them.
"I must have hurt you in the most...excruciating ways and- I don't know how to make up for it. And yet, every time you have given me another chance, and you shouldn't, I shouldn't ask you to once more, but I must, I- I couldn't bear-"
I couldn't bear losing you. And not like this. Please, Lord, not over this, not over my own doing-
"And I...I never even dared hope you'd open the door for me." Aziraphale gestured to Crowley with a disbelieving laugh. "And yet you're here, and I don't understand why, why are you still here when all you ever get in return for your kindness is my rejection and disdain- how can you even stand to look at me, Crowley?"
He had to close his eyes for a second, pressing his lips together to fight the constant stinging of tears. Then he sighed deeply, rubbing his tired eyes with his thumbs.
"The truth is that I'm a coward." Aziraphale managed a sad smile. "Between the two of us, you have always been the bigger person, Crowley. You have always been the brave one, taking steps that I didn't even dare attempt. This, b-between us..."
He swallowed hard, acutely aware that this was the very first time he actually acknowledged that there was something between them at all.
"You have always shown me, my dear", he said, recalling offered lifts and dinner invitations and kind smiles and alpha centauri and a case full of prophecy books in a destroyed church. "And the more you showed me, the more I pushed you away because I was...I was scared. I was- am, so terribly scared."
~oOo~
"I was- am, so terribly scared."
The angel broke off, hands wringing nervously in front of him. A habit Crowley knew too well, had watched for thousands of years.
Did he think Crowley wasn't scared as well? Of course he was. He was scared shitless. He'd heard that 'You go too fast for me' once, and it hadn't left him since.
So much could go wrong here, so much had gone wrong when he'd finally gathered the courage to breach their carefully established boundaries, and he didn't think he could take a rejection like that again.
Yeah, Crowley was scared, he was out of his mind with fear now that Aziraphale was back - fear that he hadn't come to stay, fear that he'd get him back only to lose him again down the road, fear that if he opened his heart again now, it would be broken for good.
He had never been so scared in his life, but probably for completely different reasons than the angel before him.
"What of?", he asked, watching as Aziraphale looked up at him wide eyes. "Heaven? Hell? They can't touch us, Aziraphale, not if we don't let them."
"It used to be them", Aziraphale confirmed, "but then...I've just been scared of...of.."
"Of what?"
"O-Of..." Aziraphale released a shaky breath. "Of how much you make me feel", he said then, voice barely above a whisper, but Crowley heard him loud and clear.
There was a heavy silence following that declaration, Crowley's fool of a heart stumbling over itself in his chest, hopeful idiotic thing that it was. That sounded like...maybe...but no, he couldn't go there, not now, not before-
"Because I shouldn't-" Aziraphale chuckled weakly, his eyes open and vulnerable as he looked into Crowley's. "I shouldn't feel like this", he said then, like an icy fist closing around Crowley's heart.
I shouldn't feel like this for a demon, he heard. I shouldn't feel like this for you.
Crowley sucked in a sharp breath before he could stop himself, capturing the angel's attention. Aziraphale's eyes widened, and his mouth opened in shock as he read the look on Crowley's face.
"Oh, Crowley no!" He took a step closer, lifting his hand as if to reach out and touch him, but thinking better of it in the last second, hand hovering uselessly between them instead. "This has nothing to do with you being a demon", Aziraphale said firmly, "nothing at all. I just meant that this...it's so terribly and...beautifully human and I shouldn't even be able to feel like this, but I do, and it terrifies me."
Okay. Alright.
This was fine. Crowley could breathe again.
He didn't need to, but right now, he kind of did.
"Feel what?", he heard himself ask, because he had to know, he had to hear it, if this really was-
"Crowley-"
"No." Crowley shook his head. He couldn't do this any other way. He needed more. He needed to be sure. His heart couldn't take it if he wasn't sure, if Aziraphale wasn't sure.
"You're gonna have to say it, Aziraphale."
Perhaps it wasn't fair to deliver an ultimatum to the angel like that, but he had to keep his guard up.
At any other given point in time, he had always put Aziraphale first, would always put Aziraphale first.
And that was dangerous.
Crowley knew if Azirphale fell to his knees right now and begged him to be friends again, he would probably do it. He was pathetic like that. He simply didn't know how to be anything other than exactly what Aziraphale wanted him to be.
But he knew he shouldn't, couldn't. Not anymore.
Too much had happened, too much had been said and done between them. He couldn't go back to the way things had been, not even if he'd wanted to.
Perhaps he could have pretended for a while, but he knew it would tear him apart sooner rather than later.
"I can't do this anymore." He sounded as exhausted as he felt, but couldn't give a fuck about it now. Let the angel hear what a mess he'd made him, what did it matter.
"I just can't. Not again, not after this. Not unless you say it."
Please, you gotta say it, Crowley begged in his mind. You gotta make me believe it.
Please, angel. Lie if you must. Just say it so I can be what you want. Just say it so I can be with you and not keep dying inside. Please, just-
"I-I...", Aziraphale stammered, blue eyes meeting Crowley's for a long moment before he averted them, swallowing thickly. "I..."
A pause. Long. Too long.
All the tension left Crowley's body at once, a deep sigh of resignation escaping his lungs.
Right. Guess that's my answer right there.
He picked his glasses back up from the table, ignoring how Aziraphale seemed to reach towards him with a pained expression on his face as he did so.
"Yeah." He slipped them back into place, only then allowing the treacherous tears to gather in his eyes where the angel couldn't see them. "That's what I thought."
He turned towards the door, his feet heavy. Every step was painful, but he was just so tired. He was just...so damn tired.
"Crowley!" Aziraphale's desperate voice sliced through him like a knife. "Wait, please!"
Crowley pressed his teeth together until they hurt.
"I think you should go."
~oOo~
"I think you should go", Crowley said, and Aziraphale felt like crying, but no tears would come. Perhaps a pain like that was already beyond anything as mundane as tears.
"I will", he promised, gathering himself as best as he could, launching one last attempt to salvage what he'd obviously broken between them. "I swear, if you look me in the eye and tell me that you never want to see me again, I will leave and you'll never be bothered by me for the rest of eternity."
Even saying the words was painful, like shards of glass slicing his throat from the inside out. His heart ached unbearably at the thought of spending even another day without Crowley, so why was this still so hard? Why couldn't he simply tell Crowley that?
He knew his feelings, knew them as surely as the first line to his favourite novel - so why hadn't he just been able to speak as Crowley had asked him to?
Why was he still so terrified and unsure of the demon's feelings in return after all they'd said-
He didn't know. All he knew was that he could not leave like this. Not again.
"If you, however..." Aziraphale hesitated, grasping to find the right words, "...feel like there is the smallest chance that there may come a time when you can forgive me, then please-" Please, every cell in his body cried, please, oh please- "Tell me now so I can be released from this agony. I- I do not expect- I do not need...promises, of any kind. I just have to know if there is a future where you can allow me to be a part of your life again."
The demon remained silent, and every passing second was like a stone settling on Aziraphale's chest to crush him, but at least he hadn't said no. As long as he didn't speak, he hadn't said no.
"As what?", Crowley said then. "Be in my life..as what?"
"I do not think it is my place to decide that", the angel said truthfully. "As whatever you're willing to have me. All I know is that...with your permission, I don't intend to ever be parted from you again."
It was a bold statement to make, but one that rang with such truth Aziraphale couldn't possibly regret it. He watched as Crowley's hand twitched by his side, momentarily balling into a first just to release its tight hold again.
"Oh, no." The demon shook his head, and the angel cursed those blasted glasses.
"Nonono, you-" Crowley took a step towards him, visibly stopping himself in his tracks as he pointed a trembling finger at Aziraphale instead. "You can't make me promises like that, not after-"
"I'm trying to make up for it", he said, allowing all his desperation to seep into his voice this time, "I'm trying to show you that I want to give you...whatever it is you want. Whatever you need me to be, Crowley, please. I just-" His voice broke, but he had to keep going. "Tell me I didn't lose you for good", he begged. "I- Please, if you still have any affection for me left-"
"If I still have any affection for you?! "
And suddenly, Crowley was crowded up in his space, glasses flung aside as angry yellow eyes glared at him, their noses almost touching.
"Are you fucking joking? Fuck you! Fuck you for doing this. You don't get to say shit like that to me. You lost that right-"
Crowley faltered, his eyes widening slightly as he stumbled a step back, hands shaking violently by his sides. He dragged trembling fingers through his hair, breathing deeply as he tried to gather himself, and Aziraphale ached with every bone in his body.
"I can't let you string me along again", Crowley said then, and every word sounded like a great effort to speak. He pressed his lips together, shook his head. "Can't do it, can't go back just to have you change your mind again. I just can't do it, Aziraphale."
His eyes filled with such agony that the angel could hardly bear it, even as the demon averted his gaze and lowered it to stare at the floor instead.
"When you looked at me like that, when you told me you'd forgive me for-" Crowley's face contorted into a pained grimace. "Fuck this, I can't even say it! You made it...abundantly clear with your reaction where you stand- so why?"
When his eyes found Aziraphale's again, they were glistening with unshed tears.
"Why are you doing this now?", Crowley asked, pleading. "Is it fun for you to see me lose it, is that it? Do you like to see me suffer, huh? Why would you come here, why can't you just let me be?!"
And that was it.
Something inside Aziraphale broke beyond repair, and his words echoed loudly around them as they were torn from his heart, ripped out of him like a bandaid off a festering wound.
"Because I love you!"