Emotions are happening.
To quote Neil: I only apologise for things I'm sorry for having done.
Yall are welcome to screech at me in the comments!
Tiny reference to "Electric Touch" by Taylor Swift ft. Fall Out Boy (TV, From the Vault)
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
"Because I love you!"
There it was, finally.
Hanging in the room.
Hovering in the air between them.
Grand. Terrifying. Beautiful.
"I love you, Crowley", Aziraphale said, like the breath of relief it was. "Of course I do."
A smile spread on his face despite the tears in his eyes, and all he could think as he looked back into the demon's stunned face was how he could ever have doubted the magnitude of his feelings for that magnificent creature before him.
"However could I not?", he spoke the thought aloud. "I love you deeply, insistently. You are my dearest friend, and the pleasure of your company and friendship has been my most treasured possession for the longest time."
And the thing was, Aziraphale had never actually dared to hope Crowley might return his affection. Not because he was under the conceited misconception that demons couldn't love - oh no, he knew Crowley better than that. It was simply that in Aziraphale's eyes, Crowley had absolutely no reason to love him, of all people.
For what would someone like Crowley ever see in someone like him?
Crowley was gorgeous, stylish and kept up with the times, rolling his eyes at Aziraphale's dusty books and antiquated phone and insistence on his run-down out-of-fashion clothing. But even more, he was courageous, bold, brilliantly creative and endlessly fascinating. He had created stars and come up with clever plans to navigate around Hell's rules. Crowley was extraordinary in every sense of the word and Aziraphale...Aziraphale had never known how to keep up with any of that.
Of course Crowley didn't love him. He was just a silly old-fashioned angel that hoarded books and kept tediously fussing over antiquated comforts he clung to, an angel who was far too weak (and soft) and scared and had spent the better part of his long life pushing the one thing away that had only ever been good for him, good to him.
Crowley could have his pick of anyone he wanted, and he simply couldn't allow himself to even entertain the idea that he might be what Crowley wanted.
Not until that fateful day.
"And then...when you- when you kissed me, I..."
Aziraphale released a shaky breath, his hand coming up to touch his lips as he'd done back then, recalling the phantom touch of the demon's against them.
"Oh, Crowley, I had dreamed of that moment for longer than I can recall. But I was misguided. I thought you were- "Aziraphale swallowed hard, pressing his eyes closed for a second. "T-tempting me", he pressed out, the word burning with shame in his throat.
It was like this beautiful thing I had been dreaming of had been turned into a weapon against me and I couldn't-
"I couldn't help but feel like you were using it to make me stay when I believed Heaven needed me and- then I said those...awful words to you, and I know I cannot take them back, but you must know that it nearly broke me to part from you like that."
~oOo~
Crowley felt sick as he heard Aziraphale utter that word.
The angel had really thought he'd take this beautiful thing he had been dreaming of for so long and use it as a temptation against him? Nothing but a wicked strategy to force him to break his promise to Heaven?
I thought you were tempting me, it echoed in his ears. Using it to make me stay.
"But I was wrong", Aziraphale said now, pressing his lips together guiltily. "I should have known better, I should have known you would never- I-I just..."
The angel sighed sadly, lightly shaking his head.
"I have no excuse", he said, "other than that the Metatron told me everything I had always wanted to hear, promised me everything I had been craving, and I was weak and stupid enough to believe it. I believed it because I wanted to believe it, because I wanted it to be true."
And yes, Crowley had known that. He had known how much the angel still tried to hold onto his faith, clung to every tiny bit of goodness associated with Upstairs.
He couldn't even fault him for it, not really. He had always considered it one of Aziraphale's greatest strengths, how much he sought to find the goodness in every aspect of life.
And Aziraphale had been forced to see in black and white, Crowley knew that, too. It wasn't his fault. It was rather something that had been done to him. Learning to find his way into their world of shades of grey - it wasn't easy, not after you had been told those colours didn't exist.
And yet, having the only creature you ever considered something even merely resembling a friend (aka the love of your life) repeatedly reminding you that you were less and unworthy...it hurt. It was bloody damn painful and Crowley wouldn't pretend otherwise.
"I was foolish", the angel went on, breathing heavily. "Nothing but a foolish, silly angel, deceived by my own pride and I cannot make up for it, I know I can't. But my dearest-"
Crowley's heart gave a powerful skip, almost painful in its intensity.
"Aziraphale-"
"Please don't tell me not to call you that", the angel broke him off, eyes open and vulnerable. "It's what you are, what you always have been", he insisted, stealing the breath from Crowley's lungs and the protest from Crowley's lips. "It's not like there has ever been anybody dearer to me, nor will there ever be. No matter if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, that will never change. I will love you from afar", Aziraphale said with a sad smile on his face, "if that's what you want. But love you, I will."
And Crowley couldn't breathe. He couldn't fucking breathe.
His walls were crumbling, he could feel it. And maybe it was stupid, maybe it was reckless, but his heart was a desperate, hungry traitor - eating up the angel's words like the starved little thing it was.
"You truly are the single most extraordinary being I have ever known", Aziraphale went on, still smiling like that, like he meant it, like Crowley was the best damn thing he'd ever laid eyes on-
And Crowley didn't know what to do with any of that, had never thought something alike could be directed his way- And everything inside him was crying out to believe him, was opening back up to take everything in Aziraphale was offering him- And it would have been so much wiser to hold onto his anger, to hide behind his bitterness - but when it came to Aziraphale, Crowley had always been weak, had always been too ready to jump as soon as he called, even knowing the landing would leave his bones in shattered splinters.
He could only stand by and watch as his guard was swept away in the wind of Aziraphale's words, painfully aware that this would either break his heart or bring it back to life.
"I'll never know what I did to gain your affection." Aziraphale chuckled lightly, a gorgeous sound of utter disbelief and awe. "I know I don't deserve it, not through all my shortcomings, but for some reason...in your boundless kindness and generosity, you have decided to bestow it on me regardless. For all these years, you-"
Aziraphale closed his eyes with a smile, a single tear trailing down his cheek, and Crowley was sure his heart stopped beating altogether right then and there.
"You have been my heaven, Crowley."
~oOo~
It was so incredibly freeing.
Of all the times he had imagined telling Crowley everything his heart had been holding captive for so long, Aziraphale had never anticipated just quite how liberating it would actually be.
The words flowed freely now, and he was glad for it, let them seep from his soul and spill from his tongue, colouring the air between them like ink hitting a blank page.
"You have been my heaven, Crowley."
And wasn't that quite the thought? All he'd been looking for, all he'd yearned for Heaven to be, all he'd desired Heaven to be so he could be happy there - he'd found it all right here, on Earth, in his demon's gentle heart and smiling eyes.
"And if you'll allow me-" Aziraphale swallowed, exhaling a shaky breath. "If you let me try, I will devote my every waking moment to making sure that from now on, I earn every second of precious time you choose to give me."
Silence settled between them. Aziraphale felt a tear dripping from his cheek and hitting the floor between his feet, but he didn't care to wipe the dampness away, couldn't bring himself to take his eyes off the demon's face for even a second.
Crowley had been quiet through most of Aziraphale's little speech, and the angel had thought it a good sign, a good thing that he wasn't trying to interrupt him, but now his continuous silence began to be quite troubling.
Surely, a declaration like this demanded a response, any kind of response-
"Crowley?" Aziraphale swallowed, taking a cautious step forward.
Please, say something...
The demon's eyes were wide, his lips slightly parted as he simply stared at Aziraphale.
Perhaps he- Aziraphale's heart grew heavy.
Perhaps he didn't know what to tell him because he hadn't wanted to hear any of the things Aziraphale had just said. Perhaps he was trying to figure out how to let him know that none of it mattered, that he was too late.
He was always too late, wasn't he? Always too slow.
Perhaps Aziraphale had just made an utter fool of himself-
He pressed his lips together as he felt the dread slowly sinking in, settling deep in his bones as he looked at the stiff figure of the demon.
"Crowley?", he said again, more insistently - and finally, Crowley's mouth twitched, his eyes blinking rapidly a few times as he seemed to come back to himself.
Aziraphale stood with bated breath, his heart pounding as Crowley opened his mouth.
"I-I-" The demon broke off, visibly ringing for words. "I...A-Aziraphale..."
He trailed off, looking at him helplessly, and Aziraphale understood it as the rejection it clearly had to be. The painful realisation hit him with all its might, and it was all he could do not to let it swipe him off his feet. He should have known, should have seen it coming, should have been prepared-
But he wasn't.
"I-I see." He swallowed hard as his throat closed up, sucking in a harsh breath through his nose. "It's alright. I-I've lost it, haven't I?"
I've lost your affection. Missed my chance.
Aziraphale nodded to himself, tried to smile through the tears shooting into his eyes and clouding his vision.
"I understand", he muttered. "I'll leave you to it, then, I-Y-Yes."
Was this how Crowley had felt, after? His whole body seemed to weigh him down, an overwhelming sense of emptiness spreading inside him. But it was fine. He deserved it. He deserved it all.
For a moment, Crowley looked like perhaps...he was going to say something, but Aziraphale just lifted a hand to stop him, smiling sadly.
"Please, don't say anything." He tried to breathe, even though it felt like every breath burned in his lungs. Just keep breathing. "You don't have to explain yourself. I wouldn't want-"
I wouldn't want me either.
He exhaled shakily, willing his body to turn away from the demon he yearned for with every fibre of his being, wondering if this was the last time he'd ever get to see him.
At least he'd said what he'd come here to say. At least Crowley knew now.
Even if it didn't mean anything.
Even if it didn't change anything.
Even if it didn't matter.
"Angel-"
Aziraphale whirled around like the pathetic fool he was.
"Yes?"
Crowley hesitated, lifted a hand as if he was reaching-
"Wait", the demon said then. "D-Don't-"
Aziraphale stood frozen, stared with wide eyes as Crowley took a slow step towards him, then another, closing the distance between them. The demon's lips were slightly parted, his expression an unreadable turmoil as he slowly lifted his hand to Aziraphale's face.
The angel didn't dare more, didn't dare even breathe for fear it would shatter the moment around them. His eyes fluttered closed as Crowley's trembling fingertips brushed his cheek, a fleeting touch, delicate as the beat of a feathered wing.
Then, warm fingers cupped his cheek, a thumb stroking over his skin to wipe his tears away, and Aziraphale couldn't stand it any longer.
He released the breath he'd been holding and opened his eyes, meeting the open stare of gold right in front of him.
"C-Crowley?"
Instead of answering, the demon sighed deeply, a sound so heavy it seemed to have been millennia in the making, and maybe it was. Crowley's eyes closed, his body leaning forward to touch his forehead against Aziraphale's.
A sob clawed its way out of the angel's throat, forceful and raw.
"M-My darling", Aziraphale breathed in the air between them, watching as Crowley's face contorted into something almost pained. "Oh, my love, can you forgive me?"
He didn't try to stop the tears streaming down his face, didn't try to quieten the sobs wracking his body in violent waves.
"Please. Please, forgive me", he begged, like they were the only words he still knew how to speak. "Crowley. I was blind. I've been so blind, oh please, I-"
"Shhh", Crowley soothed, his other hand coming up to frame Aziraphale's face, holding him as the demon pressed their foreheads together.
He couldn't believe it, couldn't comprehend the tender touch of Crowley's hands, the gentle smile forming on the demon's lips. He'd thought he was too late, he'd though-
"Forgive me, Crowley." His hands had found Crowley's back, stroking over his shoulder blade just as they had done during their kiss- then fisting in his shirt, clinging to him desperately. "Forgive me, please- forgive me-"
"Angel." Crowley shook his head against Aziraphale's where their foreheads were connected, and Aziraphale would have sobbed with relief at how perfect that name sounded on Crowley's tongue if he hadn't been crying already.
"Angel", Crowley said again, "please, don't."
"Forgive me...", Aziraphale gasped out, melting into the warm arms that were wrapping around him, pulling him gently against the warmth of the demon's chest.
"It's okay." Crowley's voice was so soft and soothing in his ear. "It's okay. Angel. I love you, it's okay."
But Aziraphale shook his head. The tears were drying, the sobs subsiding, but he wasn't done here. It wasn't enough. He needed the words, he needed-
"Please", he breathed, and of course, Crowley understood.
"I forgive you", Crowley said then, gentle and earnest.
Like the gift it was supposed to be.
Not the weapon Aziraphale had made it.
"I love you." Aziraphale pulled back, his vision focusing on Crowley's face, his yellow eyes wide and open.
"I love you." He couldn't say it often enough.
"Crowley, listen to me." His fingers flexed instinctively as he tightened his hold on the demon's shirt, looking at Crowley intensely, speaking every syllable with the confidence and vigour it deserved.
"You are...everything to me."