9

I thought I was already over it.

Two years ago, when Rika announced to Misaki and I, that she and Eriol were a couple; when I laid down in bed and cried for hours; when the sun came out and unable to sleep all night, I sat at my desk and taking my paper and pen, I wrote my letter for Eriol.

That night, I cried as I had never cried before. But when I finished the letter, wrote the recipient on the envelope, placed the letter inside it, sealed it, and placed it in my hat box, I knew it was over.

I was over it.

I knew Rika was Eriol's girlfriend, and she was my sister, thus I had to support her in everything. I knew I would never have a chance with Eriol. I knew Eriol and Rika were meant for each other.

That's why it had hurt me so much when Rika had broken up with him, in order to go to college. I just don't understand why she doesn't want to commit to a long distance relationship with the one that's supposed to be her soulmate.

Because he was.

But now, hearing those words from Eriol himself, I'm not that sure that I'm over it. Rika's nine thousand kilometers away, eight hours behind, and Eriol's right here, next door, with his window waiting to be hit with a pebble and ready to read all my notes.

I had fallen for Eriol first. It was love at first sight, I'm sure of it. The most logical and fair approach was for Eriol to be my boyfriend, because, if he was mine, I would never ever let him go. Even if I travel abroad to study college in America, because to be honest, I would've never ever left.

I wouldn't bear the distance.

Not when I know I got Eriol just a few meters away, with his window always waiting for me. With so many sheets of paper that are willing to carry all my notes, meant for him and him only.

But, to think of this, to feel this, it's wrong in so many levels.

This is disloyalty, betrayal. It makes me feel dirty and not trustworthy. It hasn't even been a week since Rika left, and I'm already thinking in how to grab this chance with Eriol, now that he's free. I'm a traitor, and from the worst type, since I'm betraying my own sister. With her first love! Her first boyfriend! Can't I even respect that?

But, if what I'm doing and what I'm feeling is wrong, then what am I supposed to do with all these feelings that had multiplied, just as these butterflies I feel inside my stomach?

I spent half of the night wide awake, thinking about all this.

About what I feel, that I know is wrong.

About what I think, that feels so improper.

When the clock hits midnight, I stand up from bed, and sitting in my desk, I turn on my desk lamp. I take a piece of paper, one of those with a cute pattern that I hoard just for special occasions, and a bright neon pink pen.

The only thing I can do, is write to him.

I'll have to write another letter for Eriol. I have to write him a P.S., so I can pour all my feelings into the paper, and empty myself, so for when I seal this letter, there's nothing left inside of me about these feelings I feel for Eriol.

I raise my hand over the paper, but finally, press my pen against it, and begin writing:

P.S. I still like you.

I just realized I still have feelings for you, which is not only a surprise, but also an inconvenience. I mean, I didn't know it. I had no idea these feelings I have for you had left a little tiny seed inside of me, that's blooming once again without me noticing it. During all this time, almost two years! I thought I was over you. You were so happy with Rika, and I was so happy for you both, that I never noticed what I felt for you hadn't died and actually was growing back…

I stop writing. It's supposed that my letters are going to set me free, and yes, I feel a bit free, but also, the letters are for when I'm no longer in love. And right now, I still feel a tiny bit in love with Eriol. I know he's Rika's ex-boyfriend, and I know this is forbidden, but I need a little bit longer to snap out of this crush, and thus I know this letter can't be finished.

So I fold the piece of paper in half, and place it inside my diary. It's not finished yet, so I can't place it in my hat box, with the rest of my letters.

I'll finish it some other time.

And so, I turn off my desk lamp, get up from the chair, and head back to the bed.

Classes start tomorrow. My junior year. Rika say's it's the most important of them all.

And Rika's always right.

I've been having some wattpad-level troubles, so please bear with me if you see me MIA from time to time.

Will try to do my best to keep updating 3 times a week, but please understand if I'm unable to do so.

I'm really trying my best rn.

Ribo~