My Grandfather is a Dick
THE GAME OF DIVINITY
CHAPTER 11: I play Angry Birds
29/06/1996
After I woke up in the no longer lair of the empusa the next morning I quickly got ready and headed for the train station. Once there after figuring out which train was heading east I got in by squeezing myself with a family of four that were ready to embark, my Street Rat title's weak notice me not spell being more than good enough to let me get ignored by both the family and the ticket man. For a whole day the ride had been easy. I found myself an empty compartment at the back of the train and I believed for a moment that everything would go smoothly. I would reach New York State and from there it wouldn't take more than a weak to find Long Island and the Camp. In hindsight, I should have known better.
We stopped for 3 hours in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and I had the stupid idea to go stretch my legs a little before the boring ride continued. I was a few blocks away for the station, looking for a good burger shop when it started raining something fierce. They only good thing about the situation that followed was that I knew about the existence of Gods and so I had a pretty good idea who to blame and curse for my misfortune.
I heard them before I saw them. The metallic screeches of their beaks and the sheer number of them bloating out the sky in the distance was more of enough a clue that I needed to start running and fast. Even with my pistol and exploding heads they were simply too many of them to kill or to chase away with loud sounds. So I run. The mortals around me were running away and screaming about freak storms and cyclones, the Mist doing an excellent job of fooling them of the truth. I was being chased out of the city and I and I had a suspicion that they were herding me away from the train station because every time I was trying to head that way they started to make circular maneuvers that blocked my way through. 'I have to find some type of shelter and fast before it's too late, I can't keep running forever' I thought and that was when I saw a public library made out of some red stone. It was a very solid building and I run in hoping to find protection from the stupidly massive flock of Stymphalian birds after my hide. It was then that I heard a sound coming from the system.
PING*
Astral Gate detected. Scanning. Please wait.
Blue Urban dungeon discovered. Do you wish to enter YES/NO
On the back of the ground floor of the building and near where I stood, between two shelves full of books stood a double French wooden door made out of some type of wood that if I was a betting woman I would say it was made of olive trees and in the middle there was an owl depicted, staring imperiously at everyone.
'I don't have time for this bullshit' I thought 'Grandpa for some reason wants to off me and I know that I have a special talent for pissing people off but I hadn't even talked to the guy, why is he sending monsters after me, it's not like I am a child of his brothers.' I didn't have time to start gallivanting in a dungeon. I was hoping that the birds would give up some time soon and hopefully the sudden "freak storm" would have delayed the train departure long enough for me to catch it. But it seems I didn't have a choice because the fucking birds (why is it always birds?) choose this moment to break through the door spreading panic against the mortals and making me want to commit kinslaying with a fervor I had rarely felt in my life before.
'Fine' I thought in annoyance 'It seems my way is clear' and I pressed YES jumping through the astral gate before I became demigod fillet by angry metal pigeons.
When I stepped through I looked around trying to assess the situation and when I did I couldn't help the deadpanned look that had overtaken my face. Why ?
Because right in front of me under a gray midday sky stood tall hedges creating a road ahead and if I had to guess taking the shape of a labyrinth. 'Really Athena shamelessly plagiarizing the 3rd Task from the Harry Potter books like that, have you no shame?' I thought with a groan and dreading the sheer amount of bullshit that a Goddess known from her creativity (usually, because stolen idea duh!) could have created inside the Labyrinth.
As I walked closer, I took notice of an inscription on a marble cube that was placed right beside the gates of the labyrinth. It said.
" In the center of the maze exists the only way out. The road there is treacherous and full of challenges. Beware, for this is no place for the faint of heart and those of unclear mind. Pass and you will be rewarded. Fail and only Death awaits. The moment you step foot into the maze only 8 hours you have before the Exit Gate seals until the morrow for if night falls the horrors of the dark will emerge."
'Fucking great there is a time limit as well because this situation wasn't shitty enough already and if I fail I have to stay in the dark inside the maze with whatever horrors will come out to play until morning comes again ' I griped to myself about the sheer bullshit of a situation I stumbled upon. Thankfully I was distracted with a certain magical sound.
PING
Quest "Pass your OWLS Test"
Objective: Find the Exit Gate
Bonus Objective: Escape the test before night falls
Bonus Objective: ?
Rewards:
30.000 XP, 2.000$, 10D
Rare Item
?
Failure:
Stay here until the morning / Possible Death
This quest cannot be refused.
'Great, let's go become a Goddesses Sunday night entertainment.' I groused trying to ignore the systems horrible timing in trying to be funny.
The moment I entered the maze, the first thing I did was try to burn it with my flames hoping that I could carve my way through instead of having to "enjoy" the whole experience. Predictably, it failed miserably. It would seem that the moment I burned a little of the enormous hedges they would almost immediately grow back, not giving me time to pass through and I gave up this idea quickly not wanting to burn through my mana for nothing. So I chose a road and I started walking throwing some goblin loincloths along the way every few dozen meters or so in case I reach a dead end or start making cycles I won't waste time until I figure it out. And so I walked and walked and walked some more not encountering anything and also not finding any dead ends either. After wasting about 20 minutes walking without results I stopped and started to think 'This is Athena we are talking about, she wouldn't be known as the Goddess of wisdom and a known hardass if she were one dimensional, I have to be cunning and sly like a ninja to survive this, I have to look underneath the underneath' .
Looking around for a moment trying to notice anything strange, I only saw the maze hedges and the roads, there was nothing to give me any idea on how to escape this mind fuck of a maze. As I had this thought an idea formed in my mind and I remembered the inscription. ' Beware, for this is no place for the faint of heart and those of unclear mind'. ' Unclear mind ' I thought 'I have to clear my mind' and with that realization I focused on my senses and activated my clairvoyance in full. Instantly I could start to see a slight haze looking almost mist like obscuring my path forward and making walk circles around the entrance of the maze. Sighing in exasperation about the stupid mist (and thanking Kakashi-sensei for his superb life advice mentally) I collected all but one loincloth that I had thrown in a circle on the ground and headed for the actual way forward this time. Immediately an alert from the system sounded in my ear.
+1 WIS For thinking your way out of a difficult problem
Mist Resistance(lv3-Lv6): Because of your divine blood you have a natural resistance to the mist. Monsters of 5 levels higher than you and bellow can't fool you with the mist .
Delighted from improving such an important skill and so quickly too I continued my way into the labyrinth finding a few dead ends here and there but the loincloths proved useful in navigating the maze.
With some luck I found my way in front of a stone arch 1 hour into the challenge. The game has been magnanimous enough to give me a timer. Inside there was an open yard that was full of elevated areas that you could climb through marble stairs. On top of these there were mirrors sitting on stone canvases. Some looked like they could be moved, others could be rotated and the rest were glued to the ground. In the center of the yard there was an altar -would be the best description I could give- with a glowing orb that was shooting a beam of light at a random direction. On the right and left most sides of the yard were iron gates and lastly right on the opposite site of the entrance stood a huge stone gate and on top of it there was a grey jewel that had a black symbol of a sun inside it. The whole place was guarded by dracaenas. They had the head and torso of women and the lower bodies were that of a snake, they were equipped with spears and bows and they numbered to around ten of them. The three bow users were positioned in three elevated areas while the rest were on the ground guarding the gates and the altar.
Before I could even think about opening the gate I had to get rid of the monsters first, that was a given. The bow users had to go first, it would be stupid to go for the melees and die by an arrow to the back. Thankfully the challenge wasn't designed for someone with such a potent ranged weapon as mine. If I had a bow no matter how good I would be with it (except maybe if I was a hunter) I simply wouldn't be able to hit them and reload from my quiver at the same time without the ones on the ground reaching me first, and event then some could possibly survive an arrow if I didn't hit them in a vital point making everything more troublesome. Thankfully I had no such problem, but before I do anything I should see what I had to deal with.
Dracaena
Gender: Female
Level 21
HP 1500
MP: 500
STR: 60
VIT: 40
DEX : 100
INT:15
WIS: 20
LUC: 5
Info: Dracaenas are monsters with the lower body of a snake and the top body of a woman. They are descendants of Echidna and their prowess in battle makes them capable infantry. Their snake lower bodies give them great speed and maneuverability and also an extra way to attack and bind their foes. Engage with caution.
Not so easy after all, I have to watch out for unorthodox attack patterns and their speed is gonna be a pain but that's for later right now the bow women are the most important. I took my pistol and charged it with flames for extra power, then I used clairvoyance for that sweet accuracy boost and after making sure to mark the positions of the bow women I took aim for their heads and fired.
Critical hit! Headshot x3
The unfamiliar sounds startled them and it took them a few second to understand what happened. Though when three bows fell to the ground and the smell of sulfur filled the air they didn't need any more prompting and immediately focused on my position. With an enraged cry they started charging me and I managed to take two more out before I was in their range, good 5 down and 5 more to go. They had me surrounded in a half circle. Quickly exchanging the pistol for my axe I met them in melee, dodging blows and snake tails and making glancing blows at their bodies scratching them but not really making any headway, their speedy and flexible bodies dodging my slower axe strikes with ease. Me on the other hand had taken one deep wound on my off arm and my right leg though thankfully not deep enough to lower my mobility.
HP: 500/620
I engaged once more and this time when one of them hit me with a powerful sideways strike I blocked and let the force carry me back giving me some breathing room. I then focused my flames on the axes blades and charged fast. A few paces away from the middle one I jumped high and came down on her with a powerful strike. She didn't expect someone of my stature to be so strong so I cut through her blocking spear and later her body with ease sending her to Tartarus. Immediately, before the others could make their move I hit the left one with the side of my axe using expanded force and throwing her on top her fellow monster freeing my left side for a moment. After that I made a half spin on the opposite direction with my body and threw my flame enhanced axe at the two others cutting them up like a hellish buzz saw. It took me 4 seconds to complete that whole combo attack. 'Not bad ' I thought and summoning my axe to my hand I stood ready for the last 2. At this point with their fear and dwindling numbers it was more than easy to dispatch them, effectively ending the fight.
Now free of monsters I had the chance to solve the 'puzzle'. I had to connect the light of the altar to the jewel above the gate, figuring what it needed wasn't the problem, solving it on the other hand was harder. Thankfully it wasn't too complicated and I was able to solve it in 20 minutes and with the 10 minutes that it took me to kill the monsters I had wasted 1 and a half hours until now. Six and a half hours left.
+1 INT
+1 WIS
+5000 xp
There were 3 more such yards inside the maze, each time bigger more complicated and with a few more monsters. Thankfully with every challenge my experience in not only solving these 'puzzles' but killing these snake monsters as well grew so I bought time through efficiency, and the increase in my stats didn't hurt either, axe mastery too.
+3 INT
+3 WIS
+2 VIT
Axe Mastery(Lv20): Your ability to use an axe in battle without chopping yourself in pieces. +30% dmg with and +15% attack speed when wielding axes.
+24000 xp
So here I am now climbing some stairs to what is hopefully the last challenge because with the maze and the yards getting more complicated as I went further, I wasted 5 hours and 40 more minutes and I am left with only 50 more minutes before shit hits the fun and the exit gate closes for the night.
When I reached the top I found myself in an arena resembling the Coliseum of Rome with the seats positioned in an almost complete circle and the VIP balconies that completed it. At exactly the other side of the entrance I came from there where another staircase leading to what was obviously an astral gate. The scene surprised me a little considering the hatred Athena had for everything Rome and for good reason as well in her case. The arena floor was just dry ground and right in the middle reclining on her tail was a Dracaena the size of a school bus.
Greater Dracaena "Boss"
Race: Monster
Gender: Female
Level 30
HP: 7000
MP: 800
STR: 250
VIT: 250
DEX: 130
INT: 30
WIS 25
LUC: 15
Info: Dracaenas are monsters with the lower body of a snake and the top body of a woman. Their snake lower bodies give them great speed and maneuverability and also an extra way to attack and bind their foes. This particular one is a granddaughter of Echidna and as such superior to the ones that claim more distant relations to the Mother of Monsters. Engage with extreme caution.
The monster didn't talk, it immediately picked us her giant spear and attacked me with a downward strike that I dodged. When it hit the ground a small tremor was created and I couldn't help but gape a bit. It seems that the strength stat wasn't for decoration. I have to fight from a distance. I jumped back and I pulled my pistol in my off hand firing twice at her shoulders and then running again trying to kite her .
HP: 6300/7000
Damn I was hoping to cripple her but it seems it wasn't meant to be. I continued like this for a while whittling away at her health while trying to stay away from melee combat.
HP: 4000/7000
HP: 650/716
Of course, it couldn't last forever. At some point I stayed a bit too much in one position and she managed to trap me to the wall of the arena using her superior size to close my escape options. I sent my gun back to the inventory and I held my axe with both hands. The moment she used a powerful thrust with her spear trying to skewer me onto the wall, I used my weapon to redirect the hit to the side, then used the momentum to make a full body rotation and using Warfyre, Expanded Force and finally Warlord's Fang a skill that I admittedly had neglected to use until this point created a humongous flaming slash that cut one of her hands to the elbow and created an diagonal slash to her torso not unlike the one Mihawk gave Zoro.
Critical Hit! Crippling strike!
HP: 1500/7000
Her scream of pain was deafening and I used the opportunity to run to the side and back in the open arena. Unfortunately I underestimated her and as I was running to the side she got me with a glancing hit of her tail. I practically flew from the edge of the arena right in the middle and painfully skidded to the floor.
HP: 5/716
I felt my whole thorax crack and for a few seconds I couldn't draw breath. I knew though that I didn't have time to lie around, the bitch wasn't dead after all so I used two health potions and immediately felt the pain becoming less.
HP: 405/716
I stood up with a groan and I could see the snake whore had done the same. The look she was giving me was so filled with hatred that if she was Kryptonian I would actually start to worry. Unfortunately for her she wasn't so I gave her the middle finger, just because I could.
She screeched in rage and charged me, spear left to the ground, apparently too heavy to use with one hand. There was no form or discipline in her stance any longer. When she came near me she tried to grab me with her hand in order to squeeze me to death probably. I dodged to her handless side and hit her in the belly making her bent over in pain. I used that chance to jump on the shoulder and grabbed her hair. She stood up again both in pain and rage and I used the new position of her head to plunge my axe in her cheek. After that I ignited the blade and started dragging downwards letting gravity do its thing and slicing her from cheek to butt a la Kratos. There was no standing up following that.
+2 VIT
+2 DEX
+1 STR
Warfyre(Lv13-Lv15): 300 dmg/sec cost: 16 mp/sec
Warfyre Imbuement (Lv11-Lv13): +33 dmg cost 3mp/sec.
Warlord's Fang(Lv3-Lv4): + 120 dmg/per slash, cost: 29 mp.
Axe Mastery(Lv20-Lv22): Your ability to use an axe in battle without chopping yourself in pieces. +32% dmg with and +16% attack speed when wielding axes.
Level: 11 (49000/ 76800)
I didn't have time to admire my new improvements because I had only 6 minutes before the 8 hours were up and I didn't fancy staying here a moment longer, so I put my weapon in the inventory to not weight me down and I run for the gate.
Thankfully the stairs weren't too many and I reached it with 2 minutes to spare.
PING*
Astral Gate detected. Scanning. Please wait.
EXIT Gate discovered. Do you wish to enter YES/NO
I pressed Yes, jumped through and found myself in a library. Before I could react a light shined in front of me and a chest rose from the ground. When I opened it I found inside a letter and a pair of stylish bronze reading glasses.
Glasses of the Scholar
+10 WIS
+300% in reading speed
Special: It's all Greek to Me: When you wear these glasses everything you read will be perfectly translated in Ancient Greek
Info: A pair of reading glasses made of celestial bronze and blessed by the Goddess Athena. Their powers give the user a great edge in all their intellectual pursues. Demigods especially will benefit from these because they completely bypass their dyslexia, giving them relief from never ending headaches when reading, well, pretty much anything. They are nearly indestructible and can't be removed without the user's permission.
Nice, with these babies I no longer have to care about dyslexia. Yes the game gave me my knowledge of the languages I knew in my past life but just because I can speak them doesn't mean I can read them without having a splitting headache.
After equipping my new powerful artifact I opened the letter and what I saw made me furious. Apparently the fucking birds had damaged the Entry Gate so much that it is now completely unusable. Thankfully for me, unlike other Gods who may usually have only one challenge gate out and about, Athena has two, (well only one now that the current one was destroyed) that she can use to open an exit for me and saving me from getting trapped here for however long it would take her to create a new one from scratch. Usually she wrote, she has many more all around USA and she is using them primarily for training her young demigods on the road or other demigods that may stumble upon them or show enough potential to draw her notice, giving them gifts and generally assisting them to survive. She also warned me that I shouldn't under any circumstances try to challenge the other Dungeon when I reach the other side because it is a Red one and way above my current level (I felt a little faint at that little bit of information).Apparently I just caught her in a slow period and she only has that one right now.
Damn, massive respect just for that. That's a Goddess who really takes her job seriously. First chance I get I will make a damn big sacrifice to her to thank her and I prayed to her my decision to let her know how grateful I am. Three minutes later a Red (shudders) gate opened and the magic sound sounded once again.
PING*
Astral Gate detected. Scanning. Please wait.
Translocation Gate discovered. Do you wish to enter YES/NO
I pressed YES and walked through, finding myself to (surprise, surprise) another library but I was distracted from the quest results and my level up.
PING
Quest "Pass your OWLS Test"
Objective: Find the Exit Gate (CLEAR)
Bonus Objective: Escape the test before night falls (CLEAR)
Bonus Objective: Finish the challenge with an hour to spare (FAIL)
Rewards:
30.000 XP, 2.000$, 10D
Rare Item
(QUEST COMPLETE)
Level Up
Name: Alexandra Bellum
Race: Demigod
Gender: Female
Title: Street Rat
Level: 12 (200/ 115200)
HP: 772 HPReg= 10 % /h
MP: 1414 MPReg= 13mp/min
STR: 109
VIT: 42
DEX: 55(59)
INT:27(37)
WIS: 30(44)
CHA: 21
LUC: 12(17)
Status: 5
Admiring my status for a moment I left my spare points alone to use them if I really need them and I stepped out to figure out where I was. Considering this Gate was a Red one I am probably in New York or somewhere around the area, Athena would need such a powerful Gate to train really strong combatants after all and demigods increase their strength only after they go to camp, ergo it is near camp and I probably saved myself from quite a few hours traveling on a boring train.
The first thing I saw was a big restaurant and due to my awesome new glasses I didn't even need to try to understand what it said. It read Portland's Best Burger. I grinned in glee, I was fucking right, I am in New Jersey just a hop skip jump away from New York. This is awesome. I was ready to start dancing in the middle of the street when I heard something that would haunt my dreams for a few months.
"Oregon's best beer here, come and have a taste from Oregon's finest brew"
For a moment I thought I was hallucinating, but after a while I accepted the truth. I wasn't in Portland, New Jersey but Portland, Oregon.
In the West Coast.
Practically the symmetrically opposite side of the country compared to New York
In Oregon.
Fuck my E-Rank Luck
And Fuck Zeus as well!
~ ChildeOfWar