I didn't ask him who Grayson was, but I knew that he knew exactly who he was, he just didn't want to tell me.

But I didn't tell him everything either.

"I will marry you," his slurred words from yesterday echoed in my head.

Children and drunks always tell the truth.

Would he really want to marry me?

We hadn't even been a couple for three months and besides, I was only of age and neither of us had finished school.

And yet he had said it.

It was naïve to think that the first love would be the one for life. But somewhere, deep inside me, I believed it.

That was also the reason why I hadn't gone to see him right after breakfast today, but had gone for a walk first, I had to think about it.

It might not have been wise to have already made a decision in my head without talking to Emilia about it first but I had.

If Draco asked, if he was really willing to spend the rest of his life with me, not to leave me, then I would say yes.

"How naked was I yesterday?", Draco's unexpected words snapped me out of my future plans.

"What?!", I therefore asked more out of reflex than incomprehension.

"How naked I was yesterday, at strip poker?"

Of course he didn't remember what he had said to me but strippoker.

I started to giggle.

"What do you think?", I teased him. But he looked at me with panic in his eyes and I knew I should just tell him the truth.

"You still had your pants on, don't worry."

He actually visibly had a load off his mind.

I had let him win yesterday. Partly because Hannah had been really staring but mostly because I wanted to be alone with him when he took his pants off.

Okay, that sounded kind of wrong.

But that's exactly how it was, I wanted him all to myself.

By Merlin, since when was I so jealous?

"What did you and Neville actually talk about yesterday?", I quickly changed the subject.

My curiosity was nearly killing me on the subject and I hadn't gotten a word out of Neville this morning.

"He threatened me that if I hurt you he would kill me.

I told him he wasn't the first one there though and to get in line. There wasn't much else."

I snorted.

"He does realise that I'd want to kill you personally then, doesn't he?"

"Gryffindor honour. He has to threaten me, he can't help it. Protective instinct and all."

I rolled my eyes.

Protective instinct was probably the shittiest word ever.

I didn't need anyone to stand up for me, if I wanted to kill someone, I'd do it myself.

Draco and I spent almost the whole day in his bed. Actually, we had planned to go out again, but it had started to rain and I of all people didn't feel like getting wet.

So we stayed cuddled up in bed and talked and when we weren't talking we read and when we weren't talking or reading we made out.

I couldn't say what I liked best about that day, but it definitely wasn't the reading.

The rest of the weekend flew by, as did Monday. The exams were all written, now there were only a few essays left in the minor subjects.

All in all, very relaxed.

I sat in the dark blue armchair in Emilia's office after class on Tuesday, for an extraordinary appointment.

"And you're sure you don't want to let anyone else in on this?" she asked and I swallowed the biscuit I was chewing on and shook my head.

"No. The less who know the less scared I am of it."

"You don't have to do this if you don't already feel like it. No one is forcing you."

I sighed.

I knew that, no one had forced me to make this decision, it was all me.

"I'm scared of it but I want to do it because otherwise I'll never do it," I explained to my psychologist.

"What would be so bad about you never doing it?"

"And keep living with the uncertainty? No, I want to do it and I'm doing it next Tuesday."

My decision stood and I was sure it was the right one.

"How do you deal with the fact that you can't control this?"

I laughed sheepishly.

Yes that was exactly the problem at the moment, I was becoming more aware of how little I could control and was looking for ways to compensate.

"In return I try to control everything else. I meticulously plan everything up to that point.

When I'm going to get up, what I'm going to wear, what I'm going to have for breakfast."

Emilia shook her head with a smile.

"Daisy, this is not how we discussed it," she reprimanded me.

"I know," I admitted sheepishly.

"What time you get up and what you wear is fine but decide spontaneously what you want for breakfast. From what you're telling me you won't be hungry anyway, so it's not even worth planning that."

That was true, I probably wouldn't be hungry at all.

"Are you coming to the graduation ceremony?", I asked cautiously.

Her presence would make me feel safe but I could also understand why she wouldn't necessarily want to spend her free time at a graduation ceremony.

"Would that help you?"

I nodded quickly.

"Professor McGonnagal had invited me anyway, so I'll definitely say yes to her now." She smiled kindly at me.

I admired this woman, she could achieve so incredibly much with such a small gesture as a friendly smile that I sometimes wondered how that was even possible.

She was perfect for her job, as if being a psychologist was her purpose.

But what was I meant to be?

In what would I find my purpose?

I still hadn't got any further with my question about the future and now I didn't even have the exams as an excuse not to deal with it.

Neville and Hannah already had a very clear plan of what they wanted to do. Hannah wanted to take up an apprenticeship at a wedding agency, which made perfect sense with her planning skills.

And Neville had applied for a degree in herbology, which he was waiting to be accepted.

Both career choices were a perfect fit for the two of them but I didn't have any particular interests or talents that could have been made into a career.

Maybe there just wasn't such a thing as a vocation for me.

Maybe I had to settle for a job I didn't hate my guts for the rest of my life.

"Did you know right after school that you wanted to be a psychologist?", I asked to broach the subject.

She looked up from her pad, on which she had written something down, and looked at me. "Not exactly. I knew I wanted to do something with people but not exactly what.

I started training as a healer but quickly dropped out. After that I travelled around the world for a year, met people and realised that I was good at talking to people.

That they quickly trusted me and asked me for advice. And when I was back home, I started my studies."

It was nice to hear that not everyone had a plan after school.

To travel for a year, that sounded nice. Seeing lots of new things to find out who you are. Somehow that sounded good, pretty good even.

"Do you know what you want to do after school?", Emilia interrupted my thoughts.

"No, not at all. Everyone around me seems to have a plan but me. And yet I'm the one who always wants to control everything."

Emilia laughed. "That's really unusual for you but that doesn't have to be a bad thing at all.

Have you talked to your friends about it yet?" I shook my head.

"No, I don't think they would understand."

"Why not?"

"I don't know," I confessed honestly.

"Go ahead and bring it up, maybe they'll have ideas about what might suit you and if they don't, then you haven't lost anything. And you should talk to Draco about it sometime."

Draco.

I had never asked what he wanted to do, because then he would have asked about my plans too and since I didn't have any, that would have made me uncomfortable.

Besides, it was clear to me that we would go our separate ways after we graduated. Sure, we could write each other letters, but that wasn't the same as seeing each other several times a week.

A long-distance relationship would probably not last long and that scared me even more.

I had known from the beginning that the more I loved him, the sooner I would lose him, but I told myself that the less I thought about it, the less tangible it would become.

But it was tangible, it was inevitable.

His words from the weekend came back to me. "I will marry you ".

There it was, very small and only uttered once in a drunken stupor, but it was there, hope. The hope that maybe he wouldn't leave me after all, that he could be my future.

For the rest of our conversation we tried to find out together what my interests were and where I could possibly imagine a professional future.

And I was given a homework assignment, I was supposed to inform myself about as many and as different job profiles as possible in the library.

It didn't matter if it was magical or not, I just had to write down what sounded interesting and then we would talk about it again on Friday.

Friday would be our last conversation. We had agreed that we would continue to communicate by letter and that I could approach her at any time.

Since her time at Hogwarts was limited, she herself didn't know if she would still be needed here next year, but if I needed her again for a talk, she would definitely make room for me, no matter where she worked then.

However, she still advised me to see another psychologist to continue the therapy, as we were both of the opinion that I was far from having reached my goal.

"What are you reading?" asked a deep voice that could only belong to Draco as I sat curled up on the sofa in the library on Wednesday after class.

"A book," I replied sarcastically and I could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

"So funny on the road today," he noted and gave me a kiss on the hair as he stood behind me and began lightly massaging my pupils.

"You should sit more neatly, your neck is all tense," he realised and pressed a little harder on my neck.

"Ow. Which doesn't mean you have to torture me like that about it."

"I can stop too."

"No, keep going, just not so hard."

He snorted briefly in amusement.

"There, now do it again and this time I want a real answer or I'll torture you again. What are you reading?"

"I'm reading about aurors," I replied curtly.

"Why is that?"

"Why not?"

"Didn't think you'd be interested."

"I'm not. I just want to know if it might be a job for me."

He stopped massaging.

"Ey," I protested.

"You want to be an Auror?"

"No, I don't, but I had to find that out first. It sounds cool, no question, but Grandma was an Auror and I always liked it when I was a kid, but now, after what happened, I don't like it any more.

But I just wanted to be sure."

I heard Draco exhale in relief behind me.

"You wouldn't have liked that?", I asked, folding the book shut.

"To hope every day that you'd come home safe and sound and not cursed if not killed by some lunatic?

Spending every moment in fear because you're constantly putting yourself in danger?

No, I actually wouldn't have liked that."

He had resumed massaging while I just sat there silently.

I knew that exact feeling but I hadn't thought that Draco might actually feel the same way.

"So what do you want to do after school?", I finally asked the question that had interested me since the conversation with Emilia.

Again he snorted.

"The question is not what do I want but what will they let me do?"

I almost said "Huh? " aloud but Draco was already speaking on.

"No one wants to hire a Death Eater. I'll probably have to take a job as a bartender or something under a fake name somewhere when I can't live off my family's money anymore."

Now I turned to him indignantly.

"You want to live off your parents' money and not work?"

"I don't want to but I'll have to. I don't have any other choice."

"I'm sure there's another option."

"What's that?"

He sounded really annoyed and had his arms crossed in front of his chest.

Yes, what options would there be?

Finding a job as a Death Eater would be really hard, but not impossible.

"I'll think of something," I said in a firm voice.

"Shouldn't you be busy with what you want to do?"

"I'll do that on the side."

Draco had sat down beside me and was looking at me seriously.

"Suggestion: you deal with what you want to do after school and on the side you can think if there is a solution for me okay?"

I nodded.

"And what are you doing?"

"I watch you do it and distract you with kisses."

Before I could object, he had thrown me over so that he was now lying on top of me and kissing me.

The kiss started stormily, but became softer and softer, but no less passionate. I sighed occasionally into the kiss which made Draco smile.

"I'm going to miss this when I'm back home," I murmured against his lips as we pulled away from each other for a moment.

Immediately he snapped his eyes open and sat up straight.

"You're going back?" he asked, stunned.

"Yes, of course. That was the plan from the beginning. I only came here for my degree and since I have it soon I have to go back."

I had never brought it up because it was so clear to me and because it still hurt me to think about it.

Draco was still staring at me in disbelief. "And you're only telling me this now?!"

"I thought it was clear."

"It obviously wasn't," he huffed and stood up.

"I'm sorry Draco. I really thought it was clear to you."

He paced quickly as he ran his hands through his hair.

Guilt spread through me.

Maybe I really should have told him again.

He probably knew as well as I did that long-distance relationships usually failed.

"How did you imagine it?!" he asked upset, but didn't stop.

"How did I imagine what?"

"This," he pointed to me and him. "This, between us. You tell me you love me and then you just run away?!"

"I...", I tried to interrupt, but he kept talking unperturbed.

"Do you realise what I was willing to give up?

What the consequences are?

I was engaged, damn it!

And now, now you're just leaving me despite everything that's happened?!

You don't even realise what that means for me!"

Tears were running down my face as I stared at him.

I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to stay with him but I had to go back.

He was right, I really didn't know what the consequences were for him but just thinking about his nightmares gave me a pretty good picture of what could happen.

"But I...", I stammered softly and sniffled.

Finally Draco stopped.

"Can't we at least try?", I asked, stuttering. "I don't want to leave you," I added quietly, finally daring to look at him.

"Don't you want to?" he asked hoarsely and I shook my head wildly.

He came towards me and squatted down in front of me. His hand reached for mine and stroked it gently.

"You really don't?"

"No, why should I?", I sniffled. He didn't say anything but I could see that he knew the exact reason but didn't want to tell me.

"Can't we at least try?", I repeated quietly my question from earlier.

"Even though I'm such an idiot?" he asked, knowing full well that this would make me smile.

And that's exactly why I would never leave him. He knew me inside out and could see what I needed without me having to say it.

"Yes, even though you are an idiot," I laughed and wiped away my tears with my free hand.

He came up to me on the sofa and, realising that my emotions were still very worked up, I transformed and curled up as a little cat on his lap.

He stroked my fur soothingly and cuddled my ears.

As unpleasant as that had been, I was also glad that we had talked about it.

I knew now that Draco was just as afraid that our relationship wouldn't survive the distance and so now we could both do everything to make it work.

We would manage somehow, I was sure of it.