She throws herself into routine. Utterly focused on classes and prefect duties. She confiscates WWW products and yells at George when she catches them testing on younger students. She spends her free time in the library. The only emotion she feels is anger at Umbridge and her blatant hijacking of their education and denial of Harry's experience in the maze. She throws her fury into her schoolwork.
A few weeks into the term she gets a letter. She immediately stuffs it into her bag and leaves the great hall. When she's alone, she opens it and reads,
Dear H,
How are you? I heard about the new DADA teacher. I can't write much here, we have to be careful what we write now. But I wanted you to know I miss you, every second. I hope you are well and have fun, I'm sure you have a lot going on with OWLS and prefect duties. I often wish we were doing the same thing together. How nice it would have been. Be safe.
Love, C
She clutches the letter to her chest, willing the tears not to fall. She sniffs the parchment, pretending she can smell him there. She spends a few moments in silent anguish. She thought hearing from him would bring comfort. It doesn't.
She doesn't attend the first quidditch match the next day. Nobody seems to notice or care. She spends the entire day at the library, skipping lunch and dinner. She has had zero appetite lately. When she returns to the common room for bed that evening, she's surprised to find a full party happening. She pays no attention to whether they won or lost, not once she sees Katie sitting on Fred's lap. They are drinking butterbeers and laughing and talking with others.
She had thought she was properly prepared for it, but she wasn't. She couldn't breathe. She didn't stop or look back, she went straight up to her room, hands shaking as she closed the door. The rest of her dorm mates were downstairs still. She went through the motions of getting ready for bed, her body on auto pilot. Her brain wasn't functioning. She climbed into bed and pulled her curtains closed, silencing her space. She curled up into herself and cried until she fell asleep.
She never wrote back to Charlie.
She got fed up with Umbridge properly screwing them in OWL prep and convinced Harry to start the DA group. She refused to look at Fred ever. Or Katie. She practiced the spells and that was it. She did her studies, she did her prefects rounds, she brewed her potion. She felt weaker lately because she wasn't eating much. Her clothes didn't fit well anymore. She had to pin her skirt so it would stay on.
One evening she was doing her rounds just after curfew, when she happened upon two students snogging in an empty classroom. She opened the door to check the room as she always did on rounds and saw people. She started with her usual "Out, back to bed, detention." Speech and froze when she noticed who it was.
Fred hastily pushed Katie away and stuffed his shirt into his pants. Katie buttoned her shirt back up. Hermione stared until Fred cleared his throat and she met his eyes, he was thoroughly embarrassed, the mortification blatantly obvious on his face.
Hermione blinked once, twice, before she realized she wasn't breathing. Her lip started to tremble of its own accord and she bit down on it hard to stop. She turned and fled.
She ran all the way out of the castle, vaguely surprised that she didn't run into anyone else and grateful, because she was practically hyperventilating, she was crying so hard. She stopped on the bridge, clutching her side, gasping for air, bawling her eyes out. She dropped to her knees and then her hands. All energy completely spent.
For the first time since meeting Charlie, she didn't just feel depressed. She didn't want to live. She wanted to not be here anymore. She looked over the side of the bridge and contemplated stepping off of it. The only thing that stopped her was the thought of her parents, and how heartbroken they would be.
She pulled herself up, and sat with her back against the railing, she bent her knees and stuck her head between them, gasping, willing herself to breathe slowly. In and out. Once her blood was flowing and her breathing evened out on its own she was able to assess things logically. She knew this was an inevitability. That Fred would move on. He was a seventeen year old boy. She couldn't reasonably expect him to wait around pining for her. She had fucked his brother multiple times now, and knew Fred was bound to hate her for it someday. She wouldn't be able to keep it a secret forever. There had to be an explanation for the Charlie issue. There had to be. There was no call for jumping to the extreme of wanting to end her life. She would find the answer. She always found the answer. And she would free herself from any and all Weasley's forever after. Her heart felt like it was wrenched from her chest at the thought but she pushed through it. Scolding herself. Do not be ridiculous about this. Be logical. And up your dosage for Christ's sake.
She walked slowly back to gryffindor tower, managing to avoid running into anyone along the way. She took a breath and braced herself in front of the fat lady's portrait, in case she saw Fred or Katie or George. She would ignore them and show no emotion and go straight to bed. But she didn't see anyone at all as she stepped through the portrait hole.
She did inventory of her potions supplies and scribbled off an order to replenish them, including the ingredients to make dreamless sleep and calming draught. It couldn't hurt to have those on hand too.
She stayed in bed the next day. Despite her pep talk to herself, she couldn't muster the strength or desire to leave it. It was Saturday so she didn't miss anything. Nobody asked about her well being.
For the next few weeks she carried multiple vials of potions with her everywhere she went. She had to take calming draught before DA meetings and avoided speaking to anyone at all. She partnered with Ginny or Luna or Neville or Ron. Always switching it up so none of them would pay too close attention to her.
She didn't even confiscated WWW products anymore. She ignored it all. Umbridge had made her inquisitorial squad higher than prefects, so Hermione stopped caring about that too.
When Harry dreamt of Arthur Weasley getting attacked at the ministry, nobody woke her to whisk her off to headquarters. She found out the next day when none of them were around. She double dosed her anti-depressant. It did little to stop her from feeling like she meant nothing to anyone.
She had already told her parents she would be staying at school for the holidays. 'Her OWLS were so important to her.' So when Harry wrote to her a day before Christmas Eve asking her to come, she wrote back that she went home and to not worry about her. She stayed, alone in her dorm the whole time. Not a single other gryffindor stayed behind this year.
Charlie wrote to her on Christmas Day, said he heard from Harry and Ron that she was at home with her parents and he hoped she had a good time with them. That he missed seeing her. He gifted her a tiny gold dragon pin, to remember him by. Like she could ever forget him, for one moment. She pinned it to the inside of her cloak pocket, rubbing her thumb on it was comforting at least. She didn't write him back.
She went down to dinner for the return feast. She hadn't ingested anything but tea in three days, she needed to force herself to eat something. She didn't think about what she might look like, having spent the whole break eating very little and never leaving her room. She thought she looked fine, maybe just a little tired.
But when she entered the Great Hall she saw the looks. And honestly it made her feel good. At least they finally noticed her, thought about her. Unlike the past two years. When nobody paid any attention to her at all. Fred's concerned gaze was too much though. It made her want to run back to her room and hide. She sat on the same side of the table as him, a few people down, so she wouldn't have to look at him.
"Hi Hermione, how was your holiday break?" Harry asked her. He was hesitant about what he should say. He was worried too.
"Lovely. How was yours?" Hermione looked around the table at all the rich food and gagged internally. She wasn't hungry at all, but knew she should eat.
"It was good." Harry watched her closely. She grabbed a roll and picked at it absently. "How are your parents doing?" He asked politely.
"Oh, they are good." She avoided meeting his eyes then. She spooned a tiny portion of mashed potatoes and peas onto her plate and nibbled at it. It was an effort to get it all down but she managed. "I'll see you up in the common room." She couldn't stand being there a second longer. Fred watched her as she walked back out of the hall, Katie nudged him when he didn't respond to her and he blinked, turning back to their conversation.
She went up to her dorm to take a calming draught before facing the group again. She really just wanted to talk to Harry about the next DA lessons. But everyone would be there around them too so she did some deep breathing exercises. Pep-talking herself, you can do this. Act normal.
She collected the DADA text she took from the library and the list of ideas she had compiled, and went down to wait in the common room. She held onto Charlie's pin in her pocket, her only source of comfort nowadays.
Everyone returned, laughing and talking together. A group she was no longer a part of. They all found their favorite seats and continued their conversations. Harry and Ron were quietly talking about Cho Chang which Hermione hadn't known anything about.
"I'm sorry, you kissed Cho?" She asked him quietly.
"Yeah, where have you been?" Ron said a bit rudely.
"I've been studying for the OWLS, Ronald. They're literally the only priority this year, in case you've forgotten." She snapped back.
"Well making sure my family stays alive is my only priority. My dad's fine, by the way thanks for asking." He started to raise his voice.
She lost it then. She slammed her book shut and stood, "I wasn't even told anything about it, you all just left in the night, no thought of me. I've only spent the past 4 years with you and your family but I'm not really a part of it, am I? So I guess I wasn't important enough to inform that he nearly died." Her voice broke on the last word.
She looked around, self consciously then, aware that everyone was looking at her. She saw George look away guiltily. Ginny looked like she might cry. Hermione didn't want to see Fred's reaction.
Her hands were shaking, she bit her lip hard and tossed the book at Harry. "Here. I made you a list." She went to the portrait hole and climbed out.
She walked hard and fast. She wanted to run but didn't want to draw attention to herself. It was still before curfew and many people were in the corridors. She went to the bridge, she hoped nobody was out there. It was freezing and snowing and dark. She wanted to be alone and she needed the fresh air.
She was angry and hurt. She was alone. She was dealing with something completely unexplainable that derailed her entire life and her friends had all abandoned her. And they were on the precipice of outright war. She let the tears free fall as she walked onto the bridge, she stopped in the middle and looked out at the starry sky and the black pit deep below her. The black pit that was, everyday, looking more and more inviting.
Slow cautious footsteps approached her. She wiped her eyes and nose with her sleeve before turning to see who it was. But when she saw him, a whole new wave of them started up again.
Fred stopped a few feet away from her, hands in his pockets, his expression was open and sad. She turned away from him, he was once her best friend. She used to talk to him about everything. He used to be her world. She gasped as the memory of that dream hit her. She wished she could have it back, so badly. She wished she had that time turner again and could stop herself from going to the World Cup with them.
"I'm so sorry we didn't tell you." He finally said.
She leaned her elbows on the railing, wave after wave of fresh tears coming relentlessly. She stared down into the abyss. She sucked in a breath, willing her voice to be even.
"It's fine. I brought this upon myself, didn't I?" She laughed bitterly. She shivered in the cold.
"Hey." He said gently, reaching out and taking her arm. She resisted briefly but he pulled on her more and she gave in. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. She sobbed into his chest. How she wished he was hers. She wanted him to be hers.
She collapsed into him at the thought, he held her upright. "I don't want this anymore." She sobbed. The only time she'd ever said it out loud.
"Don't want what?" He asked softly.
"This life." She said tiredly. She was so so tired of it.
He froze, pushing her away to look into her eyes. He took her face with both hands and tilted her head up. "What are you saying?" He asked her slowly, she could hear the fear in his voice. She closed her eyes to escape his penetrating gaze.
"You know what I'm saying." She said softly, stepping away from him. She turned back toward the edge, "it would be so much easier down there." She whispered, looking down into the chasm.
He grabbed her forearm and yanked her back from the edge. "What the fuck, Hermione?" He had panic written on his face, his eyes rapidly switching between hers, waiting for her to say she was kidding.
She suddenly felt extremely tired, totally drained of everything. She just wanted to sleep. She sighed, looking down at the ground. "Go to back to Katie, Fred. I'm sure she's not happy you came after me." She tried to drop her arm from his grasp but he pulled her toward him.
He kissed her hard, a soul searing kiss, fire exploded in her belly and spread through her whole body, consuming her brain. Filling her with something she never dreamed she'd be able to feel without Charlie. She gasped for air and he deepened the kiss, his mouth punishing, his hand gripping her neck, almost hard enough to bruise. His tongue delved into her mouth and she whimpered at the taste of him.
She decided in that moment that she didn't care anymore. She was tired of hurting, tired of hiding it. Staying away cost her, getting close cost her. She wanted to take, after life had taken so much from her, she wanted to take back.
She kissed him back, matching his urgency. Running her hands up his back, gripping his shirt. The kiss transformed from fear and anger into want and need. She slid her arms up around his neck. He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around his middle, never breaking contact. He walked them back toward the castle, off of the bridge. She held onto his shoulders and gripped his hair. She lost herself in the feel of his mouth, his smell, his body on hers.
Fred was the one she was supposed to do this with. He was the one she was supposed to lose her virginity to. She was supposed to be the one sitting on his lap and snogging him in empty classrooms. She started crying again as he pressed her against the stone wall of the castle and she dropped her legs back down to the ground, her hands sliding down to rest on his chest. He brushed her hair back from her face gently.
"It was supposed to be us." She sobbed. "It was supposed to be me and you. I wanted it to be me and you."
He looked heartbroken as he watched her, listened to her. "Please talk to me. Please tell me what happened?" He begged her, still holding her face, swiping his thumbs over her tears.
She took a breath, trying to calm down enough to be coherent. "You're going to hate me." She whispered.
"I won't." He promised adamantly. "I love you, Hermione. So much. I still want it to be you. Please." He slid his hands down her arms and took her hands. She leaned against the stone, needing the support, her knees felt like they would give out any second. She took a shuddering breath and looked into his eyes. She saw that he loved her still. Her heart soared. And then sank. She prayed he would still look at her like that, even after he knew the truth. She couldn't keep it to herself anymore though. It was quite literally killing her.
"It's... a curse... or something." She started. She squeezed her eyes shut. She realized she didn't even know how to explain it. "I..." she clutched his fingers tightly and looked into his eyes, his open, pleading expression. Begging her to be honest with him. She owed him honesty now at least. Even if it destroyed both of them, even if she couldn't be with him. She at least wanted him to know why. No answers were coming, not anytime soon. She had hoped she could get rid of it a year ago. But now that she was addicted to potions just to get through the day and was contemplating suicide, how much worse could it be if she just told him?
"I... met someone, at the World Cup." She couldn't bring herself to tell him who it was. Not yet. "We... it was like, I don't even know how to describe it. Like a magnet, pulling me to him. I've only seen him three times, and every time it was the same. I took love potion antidotes, it's not that. I've looked everywhere for a countercurse, a cure, an antidote. I can't get rid of it." Tears pour down her cheeks as she confesses the simplest amount she can.
His face dropped as he tried to comprehend what she was saying. "A man?" He asked.
"Yes, a man." She let go of his hands and wiped her eyes. Sniffling.
"You met a man at the World Cup that you're in magically forced to be in love with?" He asked. She nodded.
"A man who forced himself on you?" He asked, anger darkening his eyes.
She shook her head quickly. "No, it's not like that. He doesn't want this either. It's like... neither of us can help it. Like our souls need to be together. I know it's not a normal thing, it's got to be a spell of some kind. But I've looked everywhere I can think of for the answers. I've even asked Mcgonagall."
"Who is he?"
She was praying he wouldn't ask that question. Tears welled up again and she bit her lip hard, shaking her head.
"This is why I said you'll hate me." She cried. He stepped back, waiting. A look of dread on his face. She had to just tell him, rip the bandaid off. She looked down in despair.
"Who?" He demanded quietly.
She swallowed, looking back and forth between his eyes as she whispered, "Charlie."
She watched as the understanding dawned on him. He put a hand on his hip and the other covering his mouth. He closed his eyes and took a breath.
"Charlie, my brother." He said.
She couldn't hide the agony from her face. She nodded.
"You're in love with Charlie?" He asked.
"I wouldn't call it love." She was rushing to explain. To lessen the pain that showed on his face. "Something is... forcing us. To be together. It's not a choice. It's not unwanted. He hasn't forced himself on me. The thing is making us." She failed to describe it in a way that he could understand.
"Charlie... has had you?" He whispered.
She looked away finally, ashamed. "Yes." She answered.
Fred clenched his fists. "You're barely sixteen." He said angrily. "Three times? You've seen him three times?" He began breathing heavily as the anger coursed through him, as he recalled the only times Charlie came back to England. "The cup, the tournament, and the meeting right before school?"
"Yes." She sobbed. She tried to hold it together. Tried not to crumble into a blubbering mess.
Fred began to pace back and forth. Clenching and unclenching his fists. "I was there, every time. Wondering why you were pushing me away. It was killing me." He said, the anguish seeping out of every word.
She sobbed silently. Gasping for air. "I'm, so so sorry. I'm so sorry." She wrapped her arms around her stomach, a useless attempt at holding it together. "Neither of us wanted this. We've been searching for answers, explanations. Anything. It killed him too. He has hated himself ever since the first time. And he tried so hard not to. It was impossible for either of us to... to not." She wasn't able to complete a sentence without gasping for breath in between words. Sobbing as she felt the force of Fred's sorrow, his anger, his betrayal.
Fred scoffed like he didn't believe it. Like he believed his brother capable of coercing her, a child, into having a sexual relationship with him.
"I thought I could find the answer, I can always find the answer. Please don't hate him. Please. It's not his fault. I know he doesn't want this." She begged him.
"How could he not want it? It's not like he's getting the worse end of the deal. He sweeps into town and fucks you when he wants and leaves. Leaves you to deal with everything alone." Fred was livid.
She flinched at his crass language. "Fred." She whispered his name, trying to settle her sobs and catch her breath. "He's searching too. If we can't find an answer, if there is no explanation, he'll go to Azkaban for this. He stays away because it's the only thing he can do about it right now." She shakes her head, brushing away the tears. Finding her voice steady finally. "It kills me, inside, to be away from him. It's agony. I have to take potions all day just to function, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I would give anything, anything to fix this. To be rid of it. I wanted to find the solution quickly and be done with it. I never wanted to tell you, I knew you'd feel so hurt and betrayed and disgusted with us both. But it killed me trying to stay away from you too. I literally wanted to die, that day I found you and Katie. I came here." She pointed to the bridge, "and I wanted to die. Because I knew I needed to leave you be. I knew I couldn't be with you, not with what I've done. With who." She took a deep shuddering breath.
He stared at the wall next to her shoulder, listening, his face spinning with every negative emotion he could be capable of feeling. She continued, "I know we can't go back. But I would, I would give anything and everything to stop myself from ever meeting him. I cry constantly that I can't be with you. That I can't get him out of my soul. If I could choose, it would be you." Her lip trembles. Silent tears streak down his face as he listens to her.
"But I know I can't, I can't choose. And I can't have you. And I'm so so sorry. That I kept this from you, that I can't figure this out." She gasped as she tried to get this last part out. "And I'll just have to deal with it, as you find happiness, with someone else."
He looked away with a pained expression. He took a deep breath and scrubbed his face and hair as he turned away from her and then back. "This is so fucked up." He said. She nodded. He reached out and pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly and cradling her head. "I don't know what I expected the explanation to be. But it definitely wasn't this." He said quietly to the top of her head. She just clung tightly to him. "I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this all alone. I wish you had told me sooner." She hummed incoherently against him. "You look terrible, by the way. Please eat." He said and she huffed a tiny laugh. He pushed her back then, to look her in the eye.
"It's going to take me a while to be ok with this. I'm not. And I'm angry and I'm hurt and I'm so sad for you." He said. She nodded, understanding. "But I'm not leaving you alone to deal with this. Ok? Don't keep it all to yourself. You tried to figure it out, now it's time for help, yeah?"
She nodded, gripping his arms tightly. For the first time in a very long time, she felt hope, and support.
"Let's go to bed, ok? We've got time to figure it out later." He took her hand and led her back into the castle. She held onto him tightly, wiping her cheeks with her other sleeve. Finally able to breathe again.
They ran into Malfoy on inquisitorial squad patrol, and Fred told him to "fuck off, ya inbred wanker." As Malfoy shouted about detention and fifty points from gryffindor. Hermione chuckled at it and realized it was the first time she'd found anything amusing in months.
She slid her arm around his waist and he put his around her shoulders. She leaned her head against him as they walked back to Gryffindor tower. She was exhausted and spent. She wished she could sleep next to him, hold him all night after spending the whole break alone in her room. But she knew he needed the space to process alone. She just didn't want to let go of him yet.
"Can I tell George?" He asked quietly as they neared the tower.
"Yes. But don't let him do anything rash. It's my story to tell. No writing to Charlie. And No running to mum and dad about this, ok?"
"Ok, I promise." He said.
She stopped him from going inside just yet. "You... you don't have to break anything off with Katie. Really. I don't expect anything like that. It wasn't my intention to break you two up." She said, stepping away from him.
"I know. I know it wasn't." He kissed her on the forehead. "Goodnight. We'll talk again tomorrow." He brushed her cheek softly before stepping back and giving the fat lady the password, letting Hermione climb through first.
George, Angelina, Katie, Ron, Harry and Ginny were all waiting up for them. Ginny ran to her straight away. "I'm so sorry Hermione, I should have come to get you that night. But I was in a panic and didn't think. But you're so right, it was so terrible of us." Harry was right behind her, apology written all over his face. Katie and Angelina were sitting on the sofa by the fire, eyeing both her and Fred closely.
"I mean I get why you'd feel bad about us leaving without you, but it's not like you wrote or stopped by to see if he was ok." Ron blurted. George slapped his little brother on the back of the head. "What? It's not like she doesn't know how to get there from her parents house, she did it already once." George slapped him again.
"I wasn't at my parents' house. I was here. And I didn't think you wanted me there, since I wasn't ever informed of the situation until Harry wrote on Christmas Eve. So you can stop feeling bad for yourself, Ronald."
"You were here? The whole break?" Harry asked, dumbfounded. "Hermione. Why didn't you come?"
"It's fine. It's over." She looked at Fred, the only one there who understood now. "We'll talk about it tomorrow." He nodded with a small smile.
She linked arms with Ginny and walked her toward the girls stairs.
"I'm seriously such an idiot." Ginny began saying again.
"Shh stop, you're not. Your dad was in the hospital. It's ok. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty about it. Ron's a prat," she said over her shoulder as they began to ascend the steps, "but he's not wrong."
"See, she said I wasn't wrong. Ow! Stop it, George."
The girls chuckled as they walked upstairs, leaving the others to sort out themselves. Hermione wondered what explanation Fred would give Katie. She knew he wouldn't tell her the whole story. But would Katie accept half truths and secrets between her boyfriend and his pseudo-ex?
She left Ginny at her dorm and went to her own, passing out immediately, even without Charlie's hoodie or a potion. She was completely and utterly drained. But finally hopeful. Finally not alone.
The next morning she woke easily, ready to face the day. She showered and braided her hair back. She felt Charlie's absence, always. But she didn't feel despair. She rubbed the pin in her pocket as she went downstairs to breakfast.
She sat next to Harry and made herself a bowl of porridge and berries and a steaming cup of tea.
"I had a chance to look over your list. I think that's a good sequence to continue with." Harry told her.
"Ok, good. I'll schedule the next one then, shall I?" She said, blowing in her tea.
"Mooorning." George said sitting across from her. Fred took the spot next to her.
"Good morning." She said politely.
Oliver Wood sat next to George, piling his plate high with bacon and sausages and eggs. "George, Fred. Eat up. We need to bulk up. The next match is against slytherin and you need to be stronger, beefier, harder to knock off your brooms." He started stuffing his face. "Not you, Harry. You need to be smaller, sleeker, faster. You too, girls." He called down the table. Hermione hadn't noticed Angelina, Katie and Alicia who were already sitting at the table. Fred and George hadn't chosen to sit with them...
"Oliver, bugger off. I'm not changing my eating habits for those snakeholes." Angelina said with a sneer toward the Slytherin table.
"When's your free period?" Fred nudged her and asked her quietly.
"At 10." She answered. "When's yours?"
"Today, it's at 10." He winked.
She narrowed her eyes at him, "don't you have NEWTS to study for?" George snorted from across the table.
She looked at him, scoldingly.
"I'll find you in the library." Fred said while he added syrup to her bowl of porridge and gave her a muffin too, giving her a look.
She ate all of it and went to class.
"Made up with Fred then, have you?" Ron slapped his books on the table next to her in transfiguration.
She rolled her eyes, choosing to ignore him. He sits down, Harry on his other side.
"Listen, I am sorry you were left out. Ok? It wasn't intentional and we did feel your absence. You are part of the family. Everyone thinks it. Even Charlie asked about you. And he barely ever comes home."
Hermione went immediately still at the mention of Charlie. She cleared her throat. "Thank you, Ronald. That is unusually kind of you."
He breathes a sigh in relief.
"I'm still not going to let you copy off my essays." She says.
"Fuck." Ron says quietly as Mcgonagall joins them and begins class. Harry chuckles.
She was arranging her things on her favorite table in the library when the twins joined her. George pulled her in for a crushing hug. "You bloody stupid witch." He said quietly to her. "The fuck is wrong with you keeping a secret like that? Fucking hell."
She felt tears prick her eyes as the realization that she really isn't alone anymore sank in. Fred put up a silence bubble around them and sat next to her. She shoved George away playfully and sat.
"What did you expect me to say? 'Hey guys, just did it with Charlie, pretty sure we're under a spell, please help?'" She shook her head, wiping her eyes.
"Fuck. I don't know. I'm just sorry you were dealing with all of that alone. And I want to pummel him but also I feel bad for him. Such a fucked up situation." George shook his head. "Will you tell us more details? You don't have to tell us about when you were together, just like, when and where you snuck off? I literally had no idea."
She looked guiltily at Fred, "I dunno what that would help. Knowing any more details..."
"I would like to know too. Maybe it could help us figure out what the spell is. What was first meeting each other like? And the feelings being together and apart. Those kind of details." Fred said gently.
She chewed her lip, still nervous about it. Fred nodded encouragingly.
"At the World Cup, When... when you two left to find the betting tent, we continued walking through the different shops. And I heard music. It was mesmerizing. I said I wanted to go find the music and nobody else wanted to, so I went alone." She felt a wave of depression wash over her at the memory and the current absence of him.
"I followed the sound to one of the pub tents and saw him on stage, playing guitar and singing. I couldn't look away, I was frozen in place watching him. I felt pulled toward him, like a magnet, inside me, here." She touched her stomach.
"When he finished the song he looked up straight at me. The pull was instantly stronger. He walked toward me, through the crowd, until someone stopped him to shake his hand and broke his eye contact. It felt weird, like I came back to myself when he finally looked away. I turned and left the tent. But a group of people blocked me from running back to find our group and he caught up to me. I remember him touching my arm and then pulling back, like he hadn't meant to touch me, like he couldn't help himself. He asked if he knew me. I didn't recognize his face. More people were passing us so he walked to the back of the tent so we could talk and be out of their way." She hesitated for the next part. Fred was trying and failing to keep his face neutral.
"We kissed then, it was as if I wasn't in control of my body, as if our souls were magnetized. I remember thinking the word 'soulmate' when we kissed. And that's what I've clung to as I search spells and bonds. I don't know why. It felt like I knew what he wanted and he knew what I wanted. Without speaking at all. We didn't... we didn't do it." She blushed, looking at the table. "But we might as well have." She bit her lip hard to keep from crying, at sharing this with Fred.
"Afterward, it was like we both came back into consciousness, I felt his emotions. He was shocked at himself, confused. Someone called to him, his last name, and I was instantly filled with dread, realizing who he was. He tried to stop me, to ask my name, but I ran. I couldn't find anyone in our group, I went to collect myself in the bathroom. I was panicking. Right after that, you all were waiting by the flagpole and we went back to the tents. I pretended to nap until I heard him arrive. I felt him arrive first, actually. I feel it when he's near. Every time." She paused for a bit. Suddenly drained from just telling that first memory. She stuck her hand in her pocket and felt the tiny gold dragon under her thumb. Fred didn't speak.
"And you didn't drink anything at the pub?" George asked.
She shook her head. "I didn't eat or drink anything at all. I was pulled toward the music before that even. I've thought through everything I ingested since I left my parents' home until the moment I met him. Nothing could have been tampered with. And nothing changed when I brewed countless love potion antidotes."
She looked at Fred. He unclenched his fist on the table and released a breath. "It does sound like a spell or something. Either it's so rare that barely any records exist, or..." he trailed off, looking at George.
"Or what?" She asked, looking at both of them.
"Or it's some form of dark magic." George finished his brother's sentence.
"I've scoured the restricted section. I found absolutely nothing. That's when I went to Mcgonagall and she couldn't think of anything either. I didn't tell her anything at all really, though. Just that I had read about it in a novel and wondered if it was real." Hermione said.
"Do you think we could find it?" George asked Fred.
Fred sat back in his chair, lost in thought. "I dunno. Maybe. I dunno where it is or when we could go though..."
"What? Find what?" Hermione asked him.
"The Prewitt family grimoire. Mum's hinted at having it. She's the last of the Prewitt line. The pureblood families have grimoires that contain very old magic. Things that aren't written anywhere else. Things that aren't even legal now. She definitely won't let us look through it. She won't even outright admit that she has it." Fred said, with a furrowed brow.
"Probably because she's afraid of what we'll do with the spells inside it." George grumbled.
Hermione looked hopefully between the two of them. Fred said "we'll work on that. If all else fails, we can tell her all of this and maybe she'll look through it herself."
Hermione panicked at the thought of Molly and Arthur knowing about her and Charlie. Fred took her hand then, "we won't do it anytime soon, not without exhausting every other option, and we won't do it without both you and Charlie wanting to. I promise." She nodded, trusting him, squeezing his hand.
"I've thought about going to Dumbledore. If anyone could find the answer it would be him. But I don't want to get Charlie in trouble. And Dumbledore seems to have a lot going on. He won't even speak with Harry. My little problem seems insignificant when compared to the return of an evil powerful dark lord." Hermione said.
She checked her watch, letting go of Fred's hand. She needed to get to class soon. "Which class are you two skipping right now?"
"Hermione," George scolded. "You know we don't give a shit about classes."
"Go on then," Fred nudged her gently. "OWLS aren't going to prep themselves." He winked. She gave him a tiny smile. It broke his heart when he thought about how this was the first time he'd seen her smile in a very very long time. He bit his cheek, "I'll find you later."
Her heart twinged at the look her gave her. Full of love and pain, despite the attempt at playfulness. She gathered her things and left before she did something stupid like kiss him. She still had more memories to get through before he could fully understand the situation and fully process. She also needed to write to Charlie. To let him know what was going on, that she had shared their private story with his brothers. She still couldn't allow herself to entertain the dream of actually being able to be with Fred someday. Not until she and Charlie were free of this.
C,
I need to tell you something. It's very difficult to do in a letter. But it's the only way we can communicate and I must tell you now. I've not been alright. Not at all. It got really bad over the holiday. I wasn't at home. I was here at school. I lied to Harry because... well seeing it written this way makes me look like a bratty little girl. But they all left without me, when Harry had that dream. Nobody thought of waking me, telling me, inviting me home. And I didn't feel wanted there. So I lied and I stayed here alone. I've been pushing away all of my friends, taking anti-depressant potions for months now. I can't function without you or them. And I've been suicidal. This is all glossing over many key details. I just needed you to know this much at least so you can understand when I tell you this next part, so you aren't too upset with me. I told Fred everything. I let him tell George too. I'm sorry I shared it without your permission. But I needed help. I'm in a better place mentally now, I still have no answers for us. But I needed to tell you this at least. I'm sorry I kept it from you. Please don't blame yourself. I don't at all. They've agreed not to discuss it with anyone else, and I trust them with it.
I hope you are safe and well, and not dealing with it the way I did. Thank you for the pin. I love it.
Love, H
She took the letter to the owlry and chose a nondescript school owl. She spelled the letter to disintegrate if anyone but Charlie tried to open it. She hoped he would get it. She didn't fancy having to try and rewrite it. The first time was hard enough.
After the next DA meeting she left with everyone else, but Fred caught her arm discreetly just outside of the room of requirement. They let everyone go back, George winked at Fred from down the hall and ushered everyone off to bed. When nobody but the two of them were left in the corridor, Fred redirected the room and took her hand, leading her back through the door.
He had created a cozy sitting area, with two armchairs flanking a sofa in front of a crackling fireplace. On the small table in front of them all was a tray with two steaming mugs of cocoa and cookies.
"I thought we could stay here and finish the story. We don't have classes in the morning and we can stay as long as we need. It's too draining for me to try and work this out slowly between classes. And I figured it was the same for you. But if you'd prefer to go back to gryffindor i'm all for that too. I just wanted to give you the option." He said, standing by the door with his hands in his pockets. He waited for her to answer before he moved further into the room.
She circled in place, seeing all that he had asked the room for. "Is it secure? Nobody else can get in?" She asked.
He nodded. She dropped her bag by the sofa and sat down on it. "Ok. I think it's a lovely idea. Thank you." She gestured for him to join her on the sofa. She knows he gave her seating options on purpose. But she wants to be near him.
He sits on the other end of the sofa, leaning his back on the armrest, facing her.
"Where did I leave off?" She asks cautiously.
"You ran away when you learned his name and found us by the flagpole." He interlaced his fingers in his lap, waiting for her. "I remember that you were quieter. And walked away from me. You wouldn't take my hand like before." He chewed the inside of his lip, lost in the sad memory.
She nodded slowly and cleared her throat. "I was ashamed, of what I'd just done with your brother. I couldn't possibly touch you. We went back, I pretended to nap. I felt him arrive. The pull in my stomach, it's dull when we are far apart. It doesn't pull, exactly. But when we are near, it's very very hard to ignore. I'm sure he felt my presence was near.
When I came out of the tent to join everyone in walking to the stadium, I felt his emotions, his confusion and then realization and dismay. When you took my hand he was angry and jealous. When he learned I was Ron's age, he was disgusted. The entire match I was physically uncomfortable because I was near him but not touching him. When I went to the restroom halfway through, he followed me inside. We didn't touch each other. He just wanted answers. But the need was present. I wanted to go to him, to hold him. He felt the same but he stayed against the door. He was in physical pain, restraining himself. Someone banged on the door then and he left me alone, I don't know where he went but he came back to the seats after me with the drinks. When he didn't come back to the tents with us after the match, it was because of me." She paused and sighed. Fred was looking distantly over her shoulder, as he reassessed his own memory of the events with her new insight.
"When we were rushing out, and I got separated from you, I tripped over a tent pole and sprained my ankle. I was panicking and frantic looking for any of you. Charlie was led to me. He carried me out of the camp into the forest, he healed my ankle and we waited. We talked about this thing between us for a bit. He asked if I was with you, because we were holding hands and I was wearing your jumper. I said not officially but I had wanted to be. The dark mark showed up in the sky and he apparated me immediately to the Burrow where your mother made him stay and not go back to find you all. Minutes later you, George and Ginny showed up." She paused again. Waiting. She took a sip from one of the steaming mugs. Hot cocoa. It eased some of the ache inside of her.
"So Charlie saying he needed to rush back to work right after the match was just to get away from you?" Fred asked. He turned on the sofa facing forward and leaned his elbows on his knees, running his hand through his hair.
"Yes." She whispered. "Nothing happened between us at the Burrow. We didn't ever touch each other. I could feel his emotions though. I'm sure he could feel mine. There was a constant presence of desire. It only ebbed for me when we went to the waterhole and were far enough away. He was angry and jealous when I was wearing your shirt again. And then angry at himself, he didn't want to feel those things. When he left it was a simultaneous ache and relief. I felt hollow inside without him. But it was better than trying to hide things."
Fred looked relived when she said nothing happened at the burrow. She was so grateful that she could say that. But the worst was yet to come. She needed to get it all out finally and be done with this part of it.
"I missed him constantly. There was an aching chasm in my soul without him near. I felt him when he arrived on the grounds for the first task. It was like the hollowness was filled, the ache eased. I had to constantly stop myself from running down to the forest, chasing the tether that would lead me right to him. I made it until the very last night. I knew he was going after the task. I just wanted to see him and say goodbye. Hoped that would ease the pressure in my chest.
"He was angry that I had come, that I wasn't strong enough to stay away for one more hour. He dragged me back to the castle but we had to hide in the storage of the quidditch pitch because Dumbledore and snape were walking down to the forest. Probably to see the dragons off. That was when... when we, for the first time." She stumbled. She hated talking about this part with him. "It was uncontrollable. Charlie tried to stop it. But it was like we were taken over by other people or something. Our actions were not our own. It lasted minutes. Immediately afterward he was horrified, disgusted with himself. He helped me dress and asked if he could do the contraception charm for me. I let him. Then he pushed me toward the castle and he went back to the forest.
"You stopped me as I was going up to my dorm. The agony I felt, I couldn't look you in the eye. I never felt raped or forced to be with him. I felt like my soul wanted me to do it. And in the moment I wanted it all. But afterwards when we were apart I could finally think about the consequences. And looking at you broke my heart, shattered it. I pretty much cried myself to sleep every night after that." She has to stand at this point and pace. She's on a roll now. She wants to get the whole thing out.
"I wanted to go to the ball with you, so badly. But being near you after what I'd done. I felt like scum. That's why I pushed you away. It killed me. One thing I've noticed though, as I analyze the feelings involved. Is that my heart broke when I pushed you away. It was a physical pain and ache in my chest. I felt agony here." She rested her palm on her chest as she paced in front of the fire. "But the Charlie feeling is here." She put a fist on her gut. "It's like, the core of my being. I don't know." She paused for a minute, thinking about the differences. Fred said nothing, he looked at her when she pointed to her chest and stomach but otherwise he stared at the fireplace, not really seeing it.
"George tried to get me to talk too, told me I was an idiot." She added after a moment.
Fred looked up at that. "When did George talk to you?" He hadn't known.
"Maybe a day after you asked me to the ball. Krum hadn't asked me yet. George asked what was wrong with me, said he was going to get you to ask someone else and I was an idiot. I told him to do it then. He was frustrated I wouldn't talk. I don't think he talked to me again for the rest of the year."
Fred shook his head and leaned back against the sofa, staring into the fire.
"I started brewing the potion sometime after that. Because the moment with you after the ball, it was excruciating. I wanted to be with you so badly. But I wouldn't let myself. Because I knew you'd be so hurt if you ever found out." She felt a stitch in her chest at the memory and her voice wavered. She took a breath. "I wrote to Charlie once after that. When it got really bad for me. He didn't write back. He told me later he thought no contact was best. The potion numbed me. I was able to do everything I needed to without feeling. It was such a relief.
"I didn't know you all were at Sirius's this summer. Harry didn't tell me. I wouldn't have come if I'd known. I ran out of my potions stock the last week we were there and I couldn't secretly brew more, not with Molly there. So I pretended to nap a lot. It was painful without it. I felt him arrive for that last meeting. Heard him say he was going to the bathroom before the meeting and I waited for him in there. He locked and silenced the room and just held me. He collapsed to the floor. It was a physical relief to finally be near him. He held me for just a moment and then asked me to meet him down the street after the meeting and dinner. Then he left. Waiting was excruciating. When Ginny had fallen asleep I tried to figure out a way to sneak out of the house unnoticed. But couldn't. Charlie appeared disillusioned on a broom outside the window. He flew us far away and apparated us to a motel room.
"He tried to stop me multiple times, told me he only wanted to have a private place to talk, but I couldn't think or function without being with him right then. He hadn't found any answers himself. He'd been looking too. He said we could write because I was distraught thinking about being apart for another year. He said his tasks for the Order would keep him on the continent for a while. So writing might be helpful. I didn't tell him about the potion or my depression. Or pushing all my friends away or feeling so alone. I didn't want to worry him. He would blame himself and compromise whatever mission Dumbledore had set for him and probably get him into trouble for me.
"He wrote to me once early on this year but I didn't answer him this time. I had nothing to say that wouldn't bring him running back to help me. Seeing you with Katie was the catalyst to my rock bottom. I spiraled hard. I needed anti-depressants everyday, calming draught every time I had to see you, dreamless sleep every night. I stopped being able to eat. Despite our connection, Charlie didn't want to be with me. We were both searching for a way to get rid of it. And you were with someone new. I felt so..." she stopped. She didn't want to place blame on either of them. She just wanted Fred to understand the place she was in. The thought processes. "I just felt hopelessly alone. And unworthy of changing that. I felt like I didn't deserve to seek comfort from anyone else, especially you." She paused thinking through, making sure that was all. "I think you know the rest from there." She finished lamely.
There was silence for a moment as the whole story settled into them. Then Fred held his hand out to her, "come here." He said. She took his hand and he pulled her down to sit next to him. He put his arm around her and pulled her into his side, resting his cheek on the top of her head. He held her hand on his lap.
"I'm trying to school my own reactions here." He said. "I'm grateful to know all of the events and everything now. But I fucking hate the thought of you two being together. It's crushing me. I want to hold you, without thinking of him doing the same. It's something I'm going to have to work on. But I don't want to let it stop me from holding you." He squeezed her to him tighter. "I'm so sorry for contributing to your pain. I thought you just didn't want me for some lame reason. My time with Katie was just my way of acting out. Of trying to make you jealous enough to change your mind."
She squeezed his hand and tilted her head back to look up at him. Tears streaked her cheeks. "I hate this for us. It's the fucking worst." She said with a sigh and a yawn. She was exhausted.
He kissed her forehead. "Do you want to go back? I'm sure you're tired."
She shook her head. "Can we just stay? Just for a while longer. I just want to stay here with you."
He shifted them to lay down on the sofa, with him on the edge and wrapped both arms around her. "We'll stay as long as you want." He whispered. She felt so calm and safe in his arms. They lay there like that for a long time. Not talking or moving. Just being there together. Eventually she fell into a peaceful sleep.
She woke abruptly, hours later. The fire was now just barely glowing embers, the room dark. "I'm sorry, I nearly fell off the couch. I didn't mean to wake you." Fred said. "I was trying to move without disturbing you, my arm is completely numb."
She smiled and dropped her head back down. "Switch places?" She asked. "Or we can go back if you want. Sorry I fell asleep."
Fred settled himself on the back of the couch and pulled her back into him. "No no. I want to stay. I just needed blood flow back in this arm." He said, shaking it out above her. She chuckled. "I missed that" he whispered.
She looked up at him, their faces so close, sharing the same air. "Missed what?" She asked. She wanted to kiss him so badly. But she wouldn't. She wouldn't ask that from him. Not so soon after everything.
"Your smile, making you laugh." He pushed her hair over her shoulder and behind her ear, looking at her sadly, longingly. "I was going to kiss you that summer, after the cup. I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend. I've loved you since I met you." He whispered, still stroking her hair.
"I wanted that so badly." She gripped his shirt at his stomach, "I would have done it if you hadn't." She smiled sadly.
"I want to kiss you now. Even after knowing everything. Is that wrong of me?" He still whispered, afraid of his confession.
"I don't know. But I want to too." She looked at him with wide eyes, open, hopeful, longing.
He brought his mouth to hers slowly, tentatively. He touched his lips to hers so so softly. At his touch, her mind went completely blank. All she could think about was this moment. This bittersweet moment. The first time they could be together with everything out in the open. Both of them fully aware of all the circumstances. And they still wanted to be together.
He kissed her slow, unhurried, and sweet. Gradually deepening each kiss. She slid her hand up his chest to touch his cheek. She wanted to stay in this moment with him forever.
They did stay that way for hours, exploring this new way of being together. Lovingly and gently. He ran his hands along her back, her hair, her sides. Never drifting past her waistband, never lifting her shirt. She wondered if that was a line he'd drawn for himself, that he wasn't ready for anything more after knowing what she had done with his older brother. She didn't push him either. She took as much as he was willing to give.
It was different than being with Charlie. She didn't feel urgency or anything driving her to him. Every second together every touch they shared, it was her own choice. And it was so incredibly perfect.
She lifted her leg over his hip and he shifted his knee between hers and they lay comfortably on the couch, kissing and holding one another. She slowed down after hours, "I don't want to stop." She told him. "But I may fall asleep." She kissed him again and he smiled.
"Sleep, my love." He kissed her forehead and tucked her into his chest, keeping their legs entwined.
"I love you, Fred. So much." She breathed the words into his chest. Not even sure if he could hear them. And fell asleep.