Author's Notes:

I wrote another fic – Cursed - a while ago with a similar premise, where Crowley has a sex curse cast onto him and was deeply embarrassed about the whole thing. It got me thinking: what would happen if Aziraphale was cursed instead? Lots and lots of sex, that's what.

This isn't a sequel to my previous fic, I'm just revisiting the idea. It's a different sort of curse. The events that happened in Cursed never happened in this fic and vice versa. You don't need to have read that one.

But if you like the premise and wanted to read it, you can find it if you scroll through my stories.

I imagine this fic being set before the Antichrist is born, so they're not worrying about Armageddon or anything yet, but it's still set fairly recently.

I'm planning to update every Monday.

Aziraphale sat down heavily on the nearest park bench, his hands shaking, wondering how on Earth he'd managed to get himself into this ridiculous situation.

Michael was stood nearby with a grimace on her face. She was keeping her distance and looking at him like he had the plague, which didn't feel far off the mark, to be honest.

All of the humans in the park had been hypnotised with a miracle to not look in their direction, so when two angels teleported down from the medical department no one was any the wiser.

The medics looked Aziraphale up and down and then one of them drew in a sharp breath between their teeth. "Wow. They got you good. That's a curse and a half, that is."

The other nodded in agreement. "This might sting a little, but we'll have you back to normal in no time."

"Thank you," Aziraphale said with an awkward smile.

The two angels started chanting and waving their hands around mysteriously while Aziraphale stared at the ground, feeling embarrassed.

Footsteps approached, and Aziraphale looked up just as Gabriel and Sandalphon reached the bench.

"That damned incubus got away," Gabriel said. "Sank back down to Hell before we could get our hands on him, the coward."

"I really wanted to smite him," Sandalphon said, his voice heavy with disappointment.

Gabriel gave Sandalphon a comforting pat on the back, and then he turned a bright smile on Aziraphale. "You'll receive a commendation for this! Putting yourself in danger to protect your superior. Very brave of you, taking the full brunt of the curse in my place."

Aziraphale's hands balled into fists but he held his tongue. Gabriel had grabbed him and used him as a shield. There'd been nothing brave about it.

Michael looked at her wristwatch pointedly. "Now that you're both back, I'd better return to Heaven." And with that, she vanished in a flash of light.

The medic angels were still chanting, their eyes closed, and Gabriel and Sandalphon watched them with air of impatience, clearly wanting to return back to Heaven just as Michael had.

One of the angels stopped chanting, opened their eyes, and then looked at Aziraphale like he was a particularly stubborn computer which refused to reboot. They crossed their arms and let out a huff. The other angel stopped too and scratched their head. "Hmm."

Aziraphale's chest tightened. "Is everything alright?"

"Sorry," said one of the medics. "It's impossible."

"Unbreakable," added the other.

Aziraphale's eyes widened. "N- No. I can't be stuck like this! Please. I'm sure there's something you can do."

"I'm afraid not. You'll just have to break the curse the old-fashioned way. I'm really sorry."

Gabriel winced.

Aziraphale's heart was pounding. "But I can't. I'd have to- to-"

He'd have to have sex with someone. If the medics couldn't break the curse then he'd have to do what the curse wanted him to do in order to break it. It wanted him to have sex. And everyone would know. "I can't! There has to be another way!"

The two medics looked at him with pity. One of them said, "I'm sorry. We tried everything. There's nothing we can do."

"But I can't! Its forbidden for angels to- It's forbidden!"

Many thousands of years ago, in the early days of man, some errant angels lay with humans. Their children - known as the Nephilim – aged like ordinary humans, but once they turned eleven they gained the ability to perform miracles and manipulate the world around them.

When Heaven found out, sexual relations with anyone – human or otherwise - were expressly forbidden.

Hell had their own rules. Demons were still allowed to have sex so long as they altered their bodies to make sure there was no chance of any offspring being conceived. Lust was a sin after all.

It was understood, of course, that Satan would break all of those rules when it was time for the Antichrist to be born.

All angels – Aziraphale included - were told that their miracle alert folders would now flag up any sexual encounters. Aziraphale hadn't been with anyone before the ban, and he certainly hadn't after. To his relief, masturbation didn't flag up on the alerts, but he'd always wondered what it would be like to share himself with someone.

"We'll make an exception this time," Gabriel said. "You don't really have much of a choice in the matter. You'll just have to grin and bear it. You can't set foot in Heaven with this curse all over you."

"But who..." Aziraphale trailed off. He knew exactly 'who.' His heart raced, ideas and fantasies flashing before his eyes, images of himself and Crowley finally able to be together.

"You know lots of humans, right? There must be someone who'd be willing to..." Gabriel trailed off. He looked Aziraphale up and down, a doubtful look crossing his face. In a helpful tone, he added, "You can always hypnotise a human into doing it with you if you can't find someone who's willing."

Aziraphale stared at him, horrified. He was equally horrified when none of the other angels seemed disgusted by Gabriel's suggestion. "I could never force myself on anyone."

"Don't worry, they won't even know what happened. Not if they've been hypnotised. Breaking this curse is the most important thing here."

"He could use a prostitute," Sandalphon suggested. "They'll go with anyone. Always happy to help."

Aziraphale stared at the ground. "I'll figure something out. Don't worry."

"How did this even happen?" one of the medics asked. "Demons mostly keep out of our way."

Gabriel answered before Aziraphale had a chance. "The incubus was drunk. Attacked us out of nowhere."

That wasn't entirely true. While the demon had indeed been tipsy, his curse hurling had been a direct response to Gabriel's rude comments about the demon's sexual prowess. Particularly in relation to the human he'd been trying and failing to seduce. It seemed he'd wanted to knock Gabriel off his high horse.

"Well," said Gabriel. "No use standing around here chattering. We'd better be heading back upstairs. You'll be alright, won't you, Aziraphale?"

Aziraphale nodded faintly.

"I'll put a stop on your alerts file, so there's no need for you to worry about that. You'll have privacy. No one wants to know what you'll be getting up to anyway!" Gabriel let out a laugh before schooling his expression into something that was supposed to be supportive. "We'll keep this whole thing quiet. Okay, champ? It won't go any further than us lot. And Michael."

"And that incubus," Sandalphon added.

"Yes. Let's hope he doesn't boast about it to his pals! Don't look so worried, Aziraphale. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. Just lie back and think of Heaven."

And with that, Gabriel, Sandalphon and the two medics all vanished, teleporting up to Heaven and leaving Aziraphale alone on the park bench. He sat there for a long time, overwhelmed, and then a smile crept onto his face as excitement bubbled up inside of him. He could kiss Crowley - touch him even! Do all the things he'd always dreamt of. This curse was an opportunity. A gift.

He considered going home to his bookshop and inviting Crowley over, but Crowley's flat was nearby - just around the corner - and Aziraphale knew he usually spent his Sundays in front of the television. Perhaps he could drop in and give him the great news. They could finally be together, even if only until they broke the curse.

There came a firm knock at the door, and Crowley looked up excitedly. That was Aziraphale's knock, he'd know it anywhere, but Aziraphale rarely dropped in like this, and Crowley found himself both surprised and delighted.

"Hang on," he shouted, and hurriedly changed his comfortable cotton pyjamas into something more his aesthetic using his powers, choosing his usual dark jeans and shirt. He didn't quite have the nerve to go for black silk pyjamas although he did like the idea of Aziraphale ogling him while pretending not to.

He also changed the channel, because this romantic comedy was not the sort of thing a cool demon like him should be caught watching.

A click of Crowley's fingers and the door swung open. He glanced towards it with an air of lazy nonchalance, as though Aziraphale's sudden presence wasn't the best thing that had happened to him all week. "Oh, hi, angel. What brings you to- Ngh!"

Aziraphale had just stepped into the room and his aura was all wrong. Crowley focused his supernatural sight and was mortified to see a swirling fog clinging to him. Someone had put a curse on his angel! Crowley would find whoever did this and rip their throat out! He leapt to his feet and in seconds he was circling him.

"Oh, Crowley, do stop that, you're making me feel quite dizzy. Sit down."

How was Aziraphale so calm right now? He had a great big curse all over him!

"What happened?!" Crowley spluttered as he sank down onto the leather sofa.

Aziraphale settled down beside him, hands folded politely on his lap. "An incubus did it. They were aiming for Gabriel but got me instead. Some of our top healers came down to help but they said the curse was unbreakable, so..."

"Unbreakable?! You're stuck like this?!" Crowley shook his head in horror, tears coming to his eyes. Not Aziraphale. He couldn't bear it.

Aziraphale's cheeks were pink, but aside from that he seemed remarkably unfazed by the whole thing. "They told me I'll just have to break it the old-fashioned way."

"What do you have to do? What kind of curse is it?" Crowley asked, his heart racing. He feared the worst. He knew the kind of curses that demons liked to inflict.

"I- Well. To break the curse I have to have sex." Aziraphale looked up at Crowley from under his lashes. He looked nervous and excited, and when he spoke again his voice was sweet like honey. "I wondered if you might be willing to help me? I'd be ever so grateful."

Crowley's stomach dropped.

Oh. Oh fuck.

Aziraphale had expected one of two reactions to his proposition. Either Crowley would immediately turn on the charm and flirt outrageously, or – and this was far more likely – Crowley would get all flustered, stammer and make unintelligible sounds before shyly, but enthusiastically, leaning in for a kiss.

Instead, Crowley went quiet, the colour draining from his face.

"I've been given permission, so I won't get into any trouble," Aziraphale reassured him, just in case that was why Crowley looked so alarmed. "Heaven are going to turn a blind eye to my alerts."

"Right. Okay. That's- That's good."

Aziraphale gave him a smile. "The only real inconvenience of the curse is that I can't set foot in Heaven until I've broken it. Which is terrible, of course. Michael told me it would feel as though there were an invisible barrier around the entrance, keeping me out. But I've no appointments coming up any time soon so there's no rush at all. No deadline or anything like that. We can take our time."

Crowley nodded but didn't say anything. He was staring at the wall.

Aziraphale had hoped his reassurances would soothe Crowley, but he still looked like a cornered animal.

"It's alright," Aziraphale said. "I know this is a lot to take in right now but I'm seeing this as an opportunity. It's the perfect excuse. Truth be told, I'm feeling rather excited."

Aziraphale turned in his seat to face Crowley better and his leg accidently brushed against Crowley's. Crowley flinched, his whole body tensing, and suddenly he was on his feet.

The sudden, horrible thought that Crowley didn't want him felt like a punch to the gut. It hadn't even crossed Aziraphale's mind that Crowley might turn him down.

Aziraphale got to his feet too. "We don't have to. No pressure. I understand if you don't- For any reason-" and then, to give Crowley an out, but also because Aziraphale was a bit of a bastard and was hoping to make him jealous, he added, "I can always find a human instead. I'm sure I know a few chaps who'd be willing."

Crowley's face snapped up, but instead of the jealousy Aziraphale had hoped to invoke he just looked defeated. "I- Er. Yeah, I mean. If you... if you know someone. Might be for the best."

It felt as though Aziraphale's heart had just been ripped out. He'd thought Crowley felt the same, he'd been convinced of it. They flirted constantly. Maybe Crowley had been pretending the whole time, knowing it could never go any further because Aziraphale wasn't allowed. Had he just been humouring him this entire time? Aziraphale thought of all the little comments Gabriel had made over the years about his appearance - about his weight and physical fitness - and wondered if Crowley thought those things too.

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Aziraphale moved towards the door. He didn't want Crowley to see him cry.

"Angel, wait! It's not that I don't want to. I do. I just- I... I can't."

Aziraphale was already stepping through the doorway. "It's okay."

He raced down the stairwell, needing to escape, half expecting Crowley to chase after him, but he didn't, and before Aziraphale knew it he was out of the apartment building and rushing away down the street.

How had he been so wrong?

Tears started to fall. He couldn't hold them back a moment longer. Keeping his head down, he willed the nearby humans to ignore him, and when he finally got home he locked the front door and then fled to the backroom. He sat down in his favourite armchair and cried, his entire body shaking with it.

He looked at the sofa - Crowley's sofa - and memories came flooding back of Crowley sprawled seductively across it, smiling at him, teasing him. How many times had he fantasised about pinning Crowley to that sofa and making love to him?

He escaped to the kitchen and then set about making a pot of tea, hands trembling as he filled the kettle.

He shouldn't take it personally. Crowley might be asexual or genderless - lots of angels were, so why not demons too? - or perhaps Crowley simply didn't like sex.

A horrible thought struck him, and it almost had him dropping his teacup. Crowley had looked so scared. What if someone had hurt him? Another demon perhaps? The thought of it filled him with a protective rage. He'd much rather Crowley just didn't fancy him.

He tried to focus on something else. Whatever the truth was, it was none of his business. Crowley didn't owe him anything – not an explanation and certainly not his body.

Aziraphale thought instead about what he was going to do. He still had to have sex with someone to break the curse. Until he did, he was barred from Heaven - which should distress him a lot more than it did, but he tried not to think about that either.

He'd been so convinced that Crowley would be receptive that he'd not even considered the idea of going with a human. He didn't want to. He wanted to be with Crowley. He loved Crowley.

If he had to, he could think of several men that would probably agree to have casual sex with him. Or at least he thought they would. Clearly, he was a terrible judge of that sort of thing. And it would have to be casual sex because once the deed was done he could never do it again. With anyone. Which would be difficult to explain to any prospective partners.

He didn't want a one night stand. In fact, he'd been planning on making it last. He'd wanted to experiment with Crowley for as long as possible before breaking the curse. He'd wanted to try so many different things.

Well, he didn't have to make a decision just yet. There was no deadline for breaking the curse, and he didn't need to go to Heaven anytime soon. Perhaps he could even have his next review on Earth. Would Gabriel allow that? Surely Gabriel would understand Aziraphale's hesitance to have sex, and besides, this was all Gabriel's fault anyway.

Crowley watched from the window as Aziraphale dashed away down the street, and then Crowley turned away, heart in his throat, and sat down on his leather sofa. He put his head in his hands and started to cry.

He'd rejected Aziraphale. He'd hurt him. Not because he wanted to, of course not, but because he hadn't felt like he had a choice.

They couldn't have sex, and he was too ashamed to tell Aziraphale why. This entire thing had caught him off guard. He'd never thought about what he'd do or say if Aziraphale wanted to have sex with him because he'd been so sure it'd never happen. Angels were not allowed to have sex. It'd been forbidden for as long as Crowley could remember.

He loved flirting with Aziraphale - and being flirted with - but part of that was knowing nothing could ever come of it. It made him feel safe, knowing that he could keep his secret and Aziraphale would be none the wiser.

There were things about Crowley's body that he couldn't change, like his slitted eyes and his scaled feet. But the worst part was that he couldn't change his cock either. It didn't look human. It didn't even look like a snake's cock. In his serpent form he had hemipenes – two cocks – but as a human he only had one, and it was hidden in his cloaca most of the time, only making an appearance when he was aroused.

He hated it. He'd never allow anyone to see it. Humans would run a mile, and even if he were close enough to another demon he'd never let them see it either. He assumed most demons didn't have this problem, but it wasn't like they tended to go around with their bits hanging out or had a habit of discussing what they had in their pants.

He'd grown accustomed to his cock over the millennia, his resentment towards it fading as he learnt how to pleasure himself. He'd accepted the fact that he'd never have sex with anyone. He was okay with that. The only person he'd ever truly wanted was Aziraphale, and Aziraphale wasn't allowed to have sex, so it'd never mattered what Crowley had between his legs.

He'd been content with Aziraphale's company and the flirting. He'd been happy even, but now the knowledge that he could have more than that - so long as Aziraphale could tolerate his weird anatomy - had him spiralling.

As scared as Crowley was, he knew that Aziraphale must be terrified. Aziraphale might have seemed excited about being allowed to have sex, but at the end of the day, he was still cursed. He was being forced to do something whether he wanted to or not. Aziraphale had come to him for help, and Crowley had turned him away. Crowley would do anything for Aziraphale. Anything. He wanted to help him, and he still could. Crowley swallowed, stomach fluttering as he considered how this could work.

Crowley knew there were several different sex acts that would break the curse – all Aziraphale had to do was orgasm inside of him. Yeah. This could work. Crowley could suck him off, make Aziraphale cum down his throat. Fuck, that'd be hot. And Crowley wouldn't even have to get undressed, let alone get his cock out.

Arousal washed through him as he pictured himself kneeling at Aziraphale's feet, pleasuring him while Aziraphale moaned and told him how good he was – and he probably would be good at it too. He had a very dextrous tongue. He bit his lower lip, feeling hot and tingly all over, his cloaca starting to open.

And then it occurred to him that Aziraphale might want more than that. This was his only chance to experience sex with someone. He'd probably want a partner who could do more than Crowley was able to offer. Who could blame him? He deserved more. At the very least, he deserved to be with someone who was willing to take their clothes off.

Crowley felt inadequate. Perhaps it would be best if Aziraphale went with a human after all. They could do things Crowley couldn't.

Overwhelmed, Crowley rubbed at his temples. Ultimately, Aziraphale deserved to have a choice. Crowley would never forgive himself if he never said anything and it turned out that Aziraphale had hated the idea of being with a human but had been forced to do it anyway. Aziraphale might still prefer to be with him, even if it meant he could only ever experience blow jobs.

Crowley was going to have to explain things either way. Aziraphale deserved to know that his feelings were returned, that he was loved, that he was desired. Crowley just dreaded having to talk about his own physical shortcomings. This was going to be humiliating.

He wondered how Aziraphale would react. Oh, he'd probably try his best to be understanding, but Aziraphale was an awful actor. The truth would be written all over his face. The thought rendered Crowley immobile. He dreaded the conversation, and even though he knew it was better to get it over and done with he couldn't quite bring himself to get to his feet.

But the sudden idea that Aziraphale might have taken him at his word and gone out looking for someone else - a human - had Crowley on his feet in an instant. The longer he waited the more likely it was that he'd get there too late. Aziraphale needed to know how he felt.

Crowley grabbed his car keys and then left the flat, his stomach in knots, his hands clammy, trying to rehearse a speech in his head.