In which Nina attempts the Angel/Angle of Jealousy (intentionally) and Anthony Crowley buys bebop (unintentionally).
Step one of "Operation Mr Fell & partner" was kicked into motion the very next morning. The two men walked[1] into "Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death" and settled down at their usual table near the back.
[1] If Crowley's particular brand of movement could be characterised as such.
Mr Fell looked unusually nervous. His partner Sunglasses[2] had picked up on it, and was leaning sideways across his chair, frowning. He seemed to be asking several questions, which didn't seem to be making Mr Fell any more relaxed. He kept fiddling with a napkin. Oh well. She couldn't wait all day. She had other customers to serve. She strode over.
[2] Nina really needed to figure out what Sunglasses was actually called. It was almost too late to ask, and if she wasn't very careful, he was going to turn into one of Nina's many acquaintances whose name – at least for her purposes – was now "Excuse me."
"Can I get you anything?"
"Get a big cup, pour six shots of espresso into it. Nothing else." Sunglasses articulated every word extremely clearly and with an air that showed there would be no persuading him to buy something less likely to give him a heart attack. Nina wondered what had brought about this order. Sunglasses usually got his coffee very bitter, but six shots of espresso was on a new level. Maybe he was trying to impress Mr Fell with the sexiness of his high caffeine tolerance.
Sunglasses tilted his head towards Mr Fell and leaned a little further sideways across the chair, quirking one eyebrow. Oh God. He was. Nina felt like she shouldn't be watching this. It felt like seeing the first wiggling steps of some sort of reptilian mating dance.
"What do you want, angel?"
Nina opened her mouth to deny any ulterior motives and she snapped it shut again. Of course. It had been a while since she'd heard Sunglasses use the pet name. It wasn't that he thought anything suspicious was going on. He was just talking to Mr Fell. Whose expression seemed to be going through several different notes of panic.[3]
[3] None of which, however, came even remotely close to the panicked expression of 'I am finding this person's coffee order strangely sexy/attractive/endearing why in Heaven's name is this happening to me.' Not that this was something Nina had any personal experience with, of course. Skinny lattes were a thoroughly unromantic coffee order. Nothing remotely endearing about them. Obviously.
"That sounds…nice," Mr Fell said weakly. "But I think I'd sooner get something a little less…caffeinated. Nina, what do you sell that calms people down?"
Well, that was one way of throwing her for a loop. "Pfft, Eccles cakes?" Nina shrugged. People certainly always seemed to eat them very calmly.[4]
[4] Although Nina suspected that might have less to do with the pastries themselves, than with the fact that the general demographic who ordered Eccles cakes tended toward mindful morning walks in the park, a bewildering enthusiasm for pot plants, and knit and natter sessions.
"Some Eccles cakes would be lovely, thank you, Nina," Mr Fell replied, snapping her out of her musing.
Time to get this show on the road.
"How's your naked man friend, by the way?" she asked, putting a careful emphasis on the word 'friend' and coupling it with a large smirk.
The effect was instant. Both Mr Fell and Sunglasses jumped. Mr Fell began spluttering and Sunglasses' eyebrows were in danger of disappearing into his hairline. Which was an impressive feat, given his hair was completely gelled into a red quiff. Nina retreated, grinning.
By the time she came back with the coffee and Eccles cakes, however, the atmosphere was glacial. Nina made her way back to the counter, glancing back at them. Mr Fell picked up a fork and poked it absently into the pastry. Sunglasses, on the other hand, picked up the cup and downed it in one. Nina reflexively cast up a quick prayer for his blood pressure.[5]
[5] Generally, Nina was in favour of people experiencing the full consequences of their life decisions – whether sensible or less so – without any interference, celestial or otherwise. Free Will and all that. But even though she and Maggie were aiming for Mr Fell and Sunglasses to fall into each other's arms, she was keen for this to happen under slightly more romantic circumstances than a caffeine overdose-related collapse.
"Alright, let's go then!" Sunglasses was already getting to his feet. Mr Fell followed, wringing his hands nervously. His Eccles cakes had been cut into jagged pieces, currants spilling out of the puff pastry. Otherwise, they were untouched. Mr Fell had been a regular for the last five years Nina had worked here and this was the first time she had seen him order something and not eat it. This was either a very good or a very bad sign. She wasn't yet sure which. Either way, things certainly seemed to be in motion. The Jealousy Angel Angel was starting strong. But she still hadn't worked out Sunglasses' name. Damn it.
"Anthony Crowley, apparently," were Maggie's first words to her as she walked through the door. "That's his name. Sunglasses. Prefers Crowley though. But, more important than that, we may have a problem."
"How on earth did you find that out?" Nina glanced warily at the singles in Maggie's hands.
"I asked him. He came to the record shop earlier today. Something about branching out from Freddie Mercury. He looked in a bit of a state. Really agitated. Was practically smoking at the ears and fidgeting like anything. Anyway. I think you should take a look at these."
"Trying to give me three at once, sunshine?" Nina sighed. "I still can't take them, you know."
"Oh! No, it's actually not that this time." Maggie held out the records so she could see. "These are the records Crowley walked away with."
Nina looked at the titles. Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton. Angeleyes by ABBA. Love of my Life by Queen. "I see he didn't quite manage to avoid Freddie altogether then," she said, gesturing at the scarlet LP. "But I'm not following, Maggie. At a guess, they seem to be love songs? That's a good thing, yes?"
Maggie grimaced. "Love songs…of a sort." She snapped her fingers in an upwards movement and Nina's phone started miraculously playing music. "This is number one."
An anguished woman's voice drifted out the phone. "Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Then slowly turn away, I won't beg you to stay…with me."
"Number two."
A duet, the music surprisingly upbeat for the lyrics. "Look into his angeleyes, you'll think you're in paradise. And one day you'll find out he wears a disguise."
"Number three."
An anguished male voice wailed out of Nina's phone. "You've broken my heart. And now you leave me."
Nina snapped her fingers and the music ended. There was a very long silence. "Well, shit," Nina said eventually. "Break-up songs."[6]
[6] The fact that the actual musical content of all three LPs happened to be rather jolly pieces of bebop was neither here nor there. It was the principle of the thing.
Maggie's grimace increased.
"And…you say he bought all three?" Nina asked.
"All three. And when I asked if he wanted them to be wrapped, he sort of sighed and said they were for him."
Nina considered. "Could it be that he's just a melodramatic bastard who likes wallowing? Would not surprise me at all."
"It's possible," Maggie agreed. "But, well, I know I've not seen very much of him, but I've rarely seen him so jittery. The man was practically hopping up and down."
"Ah. Yes. About that. What sort of time did Crowley buy these records from you?"
Maggie shrugged. "Round about lunchtime, I think. Why?"
"Well. I…may have served him six shots of espresso shortly before that."
Maggie looked aghast. "Six shots of…is that even legal?"
"We both drink coffee all the time, sunshine. Hasn't discorporated either of us yet. Anyway. I would have thought legality would be the least of your worries."
"We are not human men, Nina!" Maggie gaped at her.
Nina brushed it aside. "He'll be fine. I did a quick blessing. Anyway, it was his decision to order the drink."
Maggie looked like she wanted to argue further but Nina shrugged. "He will be fine. We should probably worry more about those break-up records. Then again, maybe we spoke too soon."
Maggie's face fell. "Yes. Oh, and there's another thing. When Crowley left the shop, I may have done just a teeny miracle to the air vent linking my shop with Mr Fell's. Just briefly, to amplify any noise."
"Go on."
"And I heard a man's voice tell Mr Fell that he was funny and that he loved him! And Mr Fell said that was very nice – and thanked him! Do you think it was the – the NMF?"
"The what?"
Maggie's cheeks pinked slightly. "The naked man friend. I thought it was a convenient abbreviation."
Nina snorted with laughter. "I'm going to be the voice of reason here, sunshine. That is possibly the most platonic way Mr Fell could have responded to a not-really-that-romantic-in-the-first-place declaration of love. And you should have seen Mr Fell's reaction when the, err, En Em Eff[7] showed up. Trust me, it was not the expression of a man having an affair. Shock? Sure. Embarrassment? Absolutely. But a gaze of longing it absolutely was not."
[7] At this, Maggie shot her a sly grin and Nina supposed that the feeling of utter embarrassment was worth it for that expression on the demon's face.
Maggie crinkled her nose. "I suppose. But I've started to have a nasty feeling about this NMF. I've got a horrible suspicion he's going to cause rather more chaos than we'd anticipated. Call it demonic senses, or whatever you like. But I don't think we've seen the last of his involvement."
"Maybe." Nina agreed. "But I feel like we've made a good start. Hopefully the jealousy angle has encouraged Crowley to confront his feelings a bit more. It certainly looks like it." She pointed out the window. There was a familiar, red-haired figure sauntering down the street. He didn't look exactly delighted about it, but Anthony Crowley was making a beeline for AZ Fell & Co.
Maggie nodded. "Looks like you were right about the melodrama. I suppose now we just wait and see. And if nothing happens, we move to point two on the list."
"Yep, point two." Nina agreed, absently. And then, before her brain had a chance to catch up, "so…your cupboard or mine, then?"
Maggie's face had turned the colour of the Queen LP.
Out of the three break-up songs Crowley chooses, "Angel of the Morning" is probably my favorite.
Do you have any Good Omens vibes break-up songs that you recommend (following Season 2)? If so don't hesitate to drop them in the comments :D
Otherwise as ever, let me know in a review what you liked/disliked/any predictions...
(Next updates expected mid-December)