'''The Last Gun in the West''' Bart is harassed by a vicious dog one morning and flees until he ends up at Buck McCoy's new house. Meanwhile Homer discovers much to his annoyance Ned can handle spicy food. Bart then is shown the abyss of Springfield. Where old characters end up...
== Plot ==
The chalkboard gag is "Making Milhouse cry is not a science project." Milhouse is standing nearby crying.
"Aww... Milhouse don't cry..." said Bart. The school bell rings and he leaves on his skateboard as usual.
The couch gag is the Simpsons catching Squeaky Voiced Teen making out with his girlfriend. He gasps when found out.
The episode starts with the Simpsons kids having breakfast and comparing their science projects.
"I see Lisa has grown another giant tomato." said Oscar.
"A giant pickle would be cool." said Hugo. "Or a man eating flower..."
Bart aims Betsy at it.
"Bart! You're not destroying this tomato!" said Lisa hugging it.
"Does it do anything? Like re-enact bible stories with Larry the cucumber?" Oscar asked.
"No Oscar... don't be silly..." said Lisa. "I'm trying to solve world hunger."
"That's very noble sweetie." said Marge praising her.
"Or kill us all by unleashing killer tomatoes!" said Oscar dramatically as he read Attack of the killer tomatoes.
Lisa sighed exasperated.
"Thanks Mom." said Lisa. Bart gagged while doing a gagging gesture.
"And one retch for you, book head..." said Bart to Oscar retching.
"What's your project Bart?" Lisa asked.
"I have been asked to put on a fireworks display for some Chinese school councillors and Skinner." said Bart holding a box of fireworks.
"Hmmmmm! Bart I wish you wouldn't make up such stories!" Marge confiscated his fireworks and tried to soak them under the sink tap to stop them working.
We cut to school where Skinner has invited Chinese people who are investing in the school.
"And here is Bart Simpson with a fireworks display!" said Skinner.
Bart shrugged his shoulders and looked glum.
The Chinese businessmen shook their heads.
"Well I m heading out to the Springfield cemetery to dig up corpses again." said Hugo.
"Certainly not young man! There'll be no late night shenanigans or digging up bodies in this house!" said Marge telling off Hugo.
"Awwww but Mooooom!" Hugo whined.
"Don't Moooooom me! That doesn't work on me young man! Now finish your fish heads, the school bus will be here any minute!" said Marge.
Hugo sighed.
...
For some odd reason Bart truants. Or his walking to school. I wouldn't be surprised if he was truanting. He walks down a neighbourhood and past the Isotopes stadium. Loud cheering from inside means a game is on.
A baseball flies out and lands in Bart's hand.
"Wow! A free baseball!" said Bart. He sees a shiny coin. "A shiny new dime!" He takes the dime but another one is under it. "A shinier new dime!" He takes that too.
Then Yeeeeeess? Guy's ice cream van has broken down.
"Excuse me child. My refrigeration unit is broken. Could you possibly eat some free ice cream?" said yes Guy.
"What flavour?" Bart asked.
"Why super fudge of course! Oh yeeeeees!" said yes Guy giving him some ice cream. A double scoop on a cone.
"Wow! This day just keeps getting better and better!" said Bart licking his ice cream. He sees a white American pit bull. "Look a new canine friend! How ya doing boy? I haven't seen you in town before!"
The pit bull growls at him. Bart screams and runs away as the dog runs after him.
Bart made it home but the dog ripped his clothes off.
"Mom! A vicious dog ripped off my clothes!" Bart yelled standing in his shoes and underwear.
"Nice try Bart but we're still going square dancing." said Marge.
"D'oh!" said Bart.
And so they went to a square dancing party. There were hay bales and everyone dressed as cowboys and the women in party dresses.
Luke Stetson was still mad at Lisa for endangering his sister Clara.
Lennie Small was petting a dead mouse.
Homer was cross dressing again.
"Why helloooooo!" saud Homer as a blonde woman in a dress. Well himself in drag with a blonde wig.
"That's just grotesque..." said Bart. He managed to find another outfit to wear to the square dance.
Elsewhere at the Flanders.
"Daddy!" Todd called frantically.
"Yes Todd?" Ned answered.
"Milhouse gave Rod a Pixie Stix!" Todd cried. Ie sugar!
"I'm Roadrunner! Meep! Meep!" Rod had started acting like Looney Tunes characters.
"Great googily moogily!" Ned gasped.
"Now I'm a Tasmanian Devil!" Rod was a small tornado with his head peaking out of the twister.
McGee from McGee and Me was concerned.
"Um... How is he doing that..." McGee was concerned as to how he had developed Toon powers.
...
Lisa was talking with her friend Janey one day.
"You know that baby brother Ralph's been talking about... It's just a pine cone!" said Lisa. They giggled un aware of a fuzzy green spider on a fishing rod being lowered towards them.
Bart was holding that fishing rod. He chuckled deviously.
The white pit bull from the other day laughed Muttley's laugh/snicker.
The bushes behind Lisa and Janey rustled about violently and the fishing rod flew about as Bart screamed for help and a dog was growling as it mauled him.
"Let's go somewhere more quiet." said Lisa.
"Isn't that your brother?" Janey asked.
"I said let's go somewhere more quiet!" Lisa yelled.
Later Bart got home with torn clothes.
The rest of the family were watching TV.
"This rendition of Tarzan sucks!" said Homer.
"Daaaaad! This is a documentary on the homeless!" said Lisa.
"Well look who's home!" said Homer. "Made any friends today?"
"A dog is trying to kill me!" Bart yelled.
"Wow! Let's see this vicious dog..." said Homer. "He opened the front door to the pit bull that was chasing Bart but it was being friendly.
"Oh that's really vicious... Who's a good doggy! Who's a good doggy?" The dog let Homer pick him up. He licked him. "Awww! He likes me!"
"So Bart, when does the killing start?" Lisa teases Bart.
The family except Bart petted the dog, it snarled at him.
Bart shivered.
"You guys shouldn't tease Bart! I believe him! I've been in a similar situation! There is this annoying white pit bull with a big wet shiny black nose that keeps shrinking me and I end up stuffing my hands up his nose and pulling on his gooey boogers!" said Oscar.
"Oz stop talking about boogers..." Bart groaned.
At lunch the dog was outside pressed against the window.
"I know how you feel boy. Some animals like people just hate ya for no reason! Like that kangaroo at the zoo that always attacks me..." said Homer.
"Dad that kangaroo doesn't like you because you threw her Joey out of her pouch..." said Lisa.
The pit bull was breathing heavily on the window until it clouded up with moisture and then wiped it clean and breathes until it clouded up again.
"Don't worry Bart. Teddy does that stalker pressed up at the window thing to me sometimes." said Oscar.
Teddy, Oscar's living teddy bear pressed his big wet shiny black nose against the window and grinned deviously while breathing to fog up the window.
Oscar gulped and wet his pants.
...
One school morning Lisa and Hugo got on the bus. Bart sneaked out last because he was looking for the scary dog. When the coast was clear he ran on the bus and sat next to his best friend Milhouse. He sighed with relief.
However the evil pit bull dog had got on the bus and growled at Bart peeking over from the seats behind him. Bart screamed and ran off the bus.
"There goes Bart... now to find a new friend.." said Milhouse.
"Hi there!" Ralph sat down.
"At last! I can be the dominant one!" said Milhouse.
"Be quiet!" Ralph told him off.
"Yes sir..." Milhouse sighed.
Somewhere else not the bus, Oscar sat next to Ace was writing very um weird fanfiction.
"...and she brushed it away. "Not now, President Lincoln. I have to save the galaxy."
And that was the last time Abe saw Amelia Earhart." Oscar dictated as he wrote in a book with a quill.
"That was the absolutely worst thing I have ever had the displeasure of reading!" Ace said disgusted.
"Shut up!" Oscar snapped.
"I liked it." said Inane Brian.
"You like anything Brian..." Ace sighed.
"I don't like broccoli..." said Inane Brian.
"Take one please." Lisa was walking about the bus which strangely had no inertia inside it hurling anyone about who was walking about, it Lisa. She was on her animal rights soap box again.
"Take one, please...Leather is murder...Stop the madness...take one, please. Uh, please?" Lisa sighed as no one was interested.
"Madness..." Oscar rasped.
"Oz no!" Ace groaned.
"THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAAH!" Oscar screamed.
Lisa grimaced exasperated.
"Oscar will you take a leaflet? Leather is murder!"
"Lis I was for animal rights since season four where I sucker punched the spoilt rich girl um... Valentina Nobroskaskakakakathingyabobski's father. After all I wuv my cute widdle monsters Teddy, Clownja, Dino and so on. But scientists haven't invented artificial shoe leather or belt leather yet..." said Oscar.
"Yes they have! It's Polyurethane!" said Lisa.
Jessica Lovejoy sighed then started bitching about Lisa to Valentina the bitchy dead ferret girl and Donna.
...
Bart woke up yawning one morning wearing his cute Krusty onesie pyjamas.
"Bart it's time to get killed by the dog!" said Marge.
"What?!" Bart asked in shock.
"I said it's time for school! Get up!" said Marge.
Bart shivered unnerved.
After getting dressed, having breakfast etc. He walked to school by running along someone's front yard boarder wall. Suddenly he didn't notice the gap where the front gate would be and slipped. But he landed in the open jaws of the pit bull dog. Holding them open like a cartoon character trying to hold a crocodile's mouth open.
"Eat my short stories!" Bart shoved his homework into its mouth. The dog ripped up his homework.
"Well what do ya know! Dogs do eat homework!" said Bart running for his life from the dog.
It chased him into a dog show tent.
Bart ran out and the dog followed wearing a sash reading "most vicious dog." The dog tore up the sash.
Bart eventually arrived at Mrs krabappel's class with torn clothes.
"Ha! Bart's poor!" Nelson laughed.
Everyone laughed.
"Bart sit down please. Do you have your homework?" Mrs krabappel asked.
"No Mrs krabappel... a dog ate it..." said Bart miserable.
Everyone laughed.
"No guys I'm serious for once! A dog literally ate my homework!" said Bart.
Everyone laughed louder.
"Nice try Bart. You can spend detention writing up your essay." said Mrs krabappel. "Now sit and be quiet."
Bart was scared because the pit bull was outside riding the see saw staring at him. Bart pressed his nose up against the window scared as he watched the dog.
At home.
Oscar was truanting or he had turned himself back into a baby again... He was watching another weird mash up or silly movie.
Dirty Harry Potter was the movie...
"Do you feel lucky punk?!" Harry Potter spliced with Harry Callahan said while pointing a magnum .44 at Voldemort.
Oscar ate snacks while sat in a diaper.
Then a Japanese dinosaur roared. "Gao Gaooooooooo!" Which just means "Raaaaaawrrrr!" in English.
"Yeah Dino sounds like that in the Japanese version of my manga." said Oscar.
== Plot 2 ==
Bart woke up the next morning tired. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes to find the pit bull in his room on his bed with its nose pressed up against his nose. The dog was growling.
Bart screamed and ran out of his room in his Krusty the clown footsie pyjamas. The dog chased him growling.
Bart ran past Santa's Little Helper who barely woke up to see what the commotion was before going back to sleep. "What's the point in having a dog if he doesn't protect you?!" Bart screamed as he ran about the house in his pyjamas being chased by the pit bull.
Oscar woke up to find that annoying cartoon pit bull with the big wet shiny black nose who torments him smooshing his big wet shiny black nose against Oscar's nose.
Oscar gulped.
The pit bull toon shrank him with magic and picked Tiny Oscar up.
Oscar grunted as he struggled held tight in the cartoon dog's paw.
The cartoon dog sniffed him with his big wet shiny black nose.
Later Bart was going to Apu's shop when he hears growling. He sees the annoying angry pit bull and screams. The pit bull barks and chases him about. Bart then bumps into Sideshow Bob who his holding a machete.
"Aaaaaaaaagh! Sideshow Bob!" Bart screamed.
Sideshow Bob laughed maniacally.
Bart fled nut was cornered by the pit bull. "Oh yeah that angry dog..."
The pit bull growled.
He went another way but was blocked when Dr Demento jumped in front of him. The good doctor was wearing a top hat as usual. Dr Demento laughed hysterically with madness.
Bart screamed.
Dr Demento played an accordion.
Bart trying to look for an escape route but was flanked by Bob, the angry dog and Dr Demento turned round to find Halle Berry snarling like a jaguar because according to Treehouse of Horror XIV she's batshit insane apparently.
Bsrt screamed.
...
That afternoon Marge invited Ned Flanders and the boys over for lunch.
Rod had calmed down now.
"D'oh! Flanderses! Ooooooh! Hotdogs!" said Homer.
"I'm sorry sweetheart but I didn't cook enough for you as well. And besides you still have your mashed potato from last night that you sculpted into a circus tent again..." said Marge. She got out a large pile of mashed potato.
Homer didn't like it and threw it at Teddy the shiny nosed teddy bear while he was grooming himself. He got splattered with mashed potato.
Homer stared at a Ned's hotdog he left to go to the toilet. Homer had a devious idea. "I'll make it so hot and spicy he won't be able to eat it!" said Homer.
He poured alternate amounts of mustard and hot sauce on it. Then he rushed off and came back with a chemical canister for holding volatile chemicals and was wearing a welder's mask and gloves as he used tongs to take out a red vial of a very volatile hot sauce and poured just a tiny drop of it on the hotdog as it made a tiny red mushroom cloud.
Homer quickly put everything away and watched Ned eat his hotdog with a knife and fork. He was enjoying it...
Homer was annoyed. "No! No! No! Look you eat it like this..." Homer tried some of the hotdog greedily but he quickly succumbed to the heat in seconds as his face turned bright red and he screamed as he breathed fire.
Oscar smirked.
Then he got rather silly ideas or imagined weird scenarios again.
"Like that time Bella Swan from Twilight killed JFK..."
Hugo winced.
"Life is unfair." said John F Kennedy.
"Hasn't anyone ever told you? Life isn't fair." Bella replied before shooting him.
"Oz Bella Swan did not kill JFK..." Lisa groaned.
Hugo winced baffled at Oscar.
...
Bart was walking about the neighbourhood nervously watching for that evil dog when he heard a dog growling. He looked down to see the pit bull growling at him. He screamed and ran away.
The pit bull chased him onto Mr Burn's property. The hounds immediately chased Bart into the pit bull but the pit bull growled at them. His growls translated as subtitles to... "Hey! Buzz off! He's mine!"
The hounds got scared and ran off whimpering.
The chase continued through the wealthy neighbourhood until Bart squeezed through some bars of a gate and the pit bull got stuck trying to follow him.
Bart giggled watching the vicious pit bull struggle. "Safe at last..." Bart sighed. "Now to turn around and confirm that. He turned around to see a moose, an ostrich, a mountain lion, a beaver, a wolf and a bear snarling at him!
Bart screamed and the scene blacked out.
Whilst he had fainted, at home Oscar was playing with Milhouse.
"Hugo I don't know how you can cope with climbing about in the vents. I'm claustrophobic..." said Milhouse.
"What's claustrophobic mean?" Ralph asked.
"It means he's afraid of Santa Claus." said Oscar with a demented look.
"No it does not mean that!" Hugo yelled exasperated with Oscar.
"Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas!" Oscar chuckled.
"Stop it Oz! You're scaring him!" Teddy shook Oscar's shoulder slightly to get his attention.
Milhouse winced. Okay this Oscar kid is very, very weird...
Then Traitor King Bart from season 2 arrived. From canon where Homer fell in the gorge, afterwards during where in my fanon the Simpsons are cross with Oscar for letting Bart jump the gorge, Canon Bart dressed as a prince or king with a crown and striped clothes travelled back to World War II to do a propaganda comic, a um very belated propaganda at that given the war is long over!
"Oh yeah you foiled Hitler's plans to trick Homer into accidentally telling vital secrets but then you said he was neato you fascist!" Oscar told off the alternate Bart.
"Eat my shorts..." said King Bart.
Milhouse winced.
...
When the scene returned Bart flinched awaiting death but the animals didn't attack. "Huh?" He found they were stuffed. "These are stuffed!" However the ostrich came to life and squawked and bit him. "Ow! Except that one..." said Bart.
Cowboy music played as a familiar figure appeared.
"Buck McCoy!" said Bart cheerfully. He greeted his hero with a hug.
"Now what brings you here sonny?" Buck asked.
"A scary dog is chasing me." said Bart. He pointed to the angry Pit bull struggling to get past the bars.
"Dogs huh? Bart let me show you a trick I learned out west..." said Buck. He grabbed the dog by the scruff of its neck and dragged it in his front yard.
"Whoa! Keep that thing away from me!" Bart whined frightened by the dog.
"Son trust me. I know what I'm doing." said Buck. He pinned the dog down. "Now put your hands tight on his neck just here. Don't worry, I won't let him bite you." said Buck.
Bart nervously did so. As soon as his hands touched the pit bull's neck its personality changed and it became friendly towards Bart and licked him. Bart giggled as the dog licked him.
"Wow! That's amazing! How did you do that?" Bart asked.
"Like I told you. An old cowboy learns a lot out west." said Buck. "You know how to kill a wild boar with a spoon?"
"Uh no." said Bart.
"Well what do you kids do all day?!" Buck asked.
"Well right now I'm supposed to be in school." said Bart.
"School? Why bother. I quit after fourth grade and it didn't do me any harm." said Buck spitting into a spittoon.
"Coooool! You are so awesome!" said Bart.
"Thanks sonny. But you've told me that a hundred times." said Buck. "Why not come in. I've just moved into town from Texas." Buck showed him in.
"Why'd ya leave Texas?" Bart asked.
"The old west isn't exactly helpful if you need to go out to by groceries." said Buck. "Can I lasso you a snack?"
"Sure!" said Bart. Buck lassoed him a bag of chips and a bottle of cola.
"Wow! Everything tastes better lassoed!" said Bart.
...
Homer was trying to put Wasabi on Ned's lunch.
"Homer! Stop trying to ruin Ned's food!" Marge told him off. "Now eat your jambalaya..." Marge gave him his lunch which he didn't want as Ned's looked tastier.
"I don't want it..." Homer groaned.
Bart came in whistling.
"Bart, you're in a much better mood today! What happened to that dog?" Marge asked him.
"Oh he's not bothering me anymore. Buck McCoy helped me with him." said Bart.
Homer dropped his spoon on his plate. "You're seeing Buck McCoy again? After I forbade you?!" said Homer.
"When did that happen?" Bart asked.
"When you and Grampa were getting on my nerves bonding! I never had that bond with my dad! Why should you?!" Homer replied.
"Maybe because you were a lousy son just like you're a lousy dad..." said Bart.
"Why you little!" Homer strangled Bart.
Hugo growled and bit Homer's leg.
"Ow! Sonnuva!" Homer yelled and he dropped Bart. Bart was out of breath from being throttled though.
Anyway Lisa gets the B Plot.
"Lisa you have a letter." Marge handed her a letter.
Lisa took it and sat at the kitchen table to read it. She gasped in horror.
"What is it?" Hugo asked.
"This says I've been sentenced to... Six months in prison!"
"Dun! Dun! Duuuuuuun!" Oscar made a stupid dramatic dun dun dun sound.
Bart smacked him on the head for being stupid.
Lisa imagines herself in prison wearing an orange jumpsuit getting her lunch at the cafeteria along with several scary looking bad girls like Gina Vendetti.
"Um is this slop vegetarian?" Lisa asked.
Lunch Lady Doris who was the girl's Juvie Cafeteria lady laughed. "Vegetarian? No this is prison! It has meat in it!"
They all laughed at Lisa. Lisa cringed in disgust at her tray of food.
...
Teddy had got food thrown at him again so he grumpily went and had a shower. As he soaped up however he gasped as he found pieces of bacon in the soap.
"Why was there bacon in the soap?!" Teddy shouted loudly.
"I made it myself!" said Oscar in a silly voice.
Teddy frowned and threw a piece of bacon away.
Homer got trapped trying to assemble an exercise bike.
Bart who for some reason was in his green pyjamas arrived.
"Son! I'm trapped!"
Bart took his wallet counted the green dollar bills inside and went off whistling.
"D'oh!" Homer groaned.
Pigeon-rats and griffins scurried about the backyard.
"Oz I can understand the pigeon-rats cos that was my doing but griffins?!" Hugo winced.
"Mostly because I wanted to... and a little bit of letting Verne practice the Griffin stunning spell.
"Riffen Griffic." Verne from UBOS casted a spell on one of the griffins.
"Anyway wanna play Yugioh?" Hugo asked.
"It's Hugey oh now and yes but I'm using my clown deck." said Oscar.
Hugo winced. "We're not calling it Hugey oh... and no clowns..."
"Why?" Oscar pouted.
"Because it's disturbing..." said Hugo.
"You're just saying that because of those weird laughing clown faced flowers from Tombi that I planted in one of Marge's flowerbeds." said Oscar.
There were the weird laughing red flowers from Tombi laughing.
(Flowers laughing)
Hugo winced.
== Plot 3 ==
Bart went to Buck McCoy's with Milhouse.
"And whatever you do, don't ask him to lasso you a banana..." Bart sighed.
"Why not? Why can't he lasso me a banana?!" Milhouse asked.
Bart didn't answer as they rang Buck's doorbell. He greeted them warmly and let them in.
"Bart I have something to show you out back." said Buck. They went out to his back yard. However at the end was a huge deep abyss. At the bottom was a shanty town.
"What is that down there?" Bart asked.
"The Springfield Abyss. Where all old and retired characters go to.
Bart looked through his binoculars, he saw familiar people such as black Smithers. Karl, Homer's guide at work when his hair grew back. Mr and Mrs Winfield... The babysitter bandit...
"This is horrible! Why?!" said Bart.
"These characters in our lives have simply moved out and been replaced. Rendered obsolete or nothing more can be done with them." said Buck.
"But they're people! You can't just throw them away!" said Bart.
"They haven't been. They're forming their own Springfield now." said Buck.
"Oh..." said Bart. "And how are they doing that without the Simpsons..."
"See for yourself." said Buck.
In his binoculars Bart saw the Tracy Ullman shorts Simpsons standing outside their house talking with Black Smithers.
"But why don't they come back? Well the Winfields can't because Ruth and Laura moved into their house..." said Bart.
"I don't know. Why don't you ask them?" Buck asked.
"Uh... quite a few of the abyss folk are enemies of mine. They started it not me before you ask." said Bart.
"Oh..." said Buck.
Milhouse was looking at the abyss people through Bart's binoculars.
...
At home Oscar had a silly suggestion.
"While Bart's gone Hugo, you're now Bart." said Oscar.
"Alright!" Hugo cheered and tidied up his spikes to resemble Bart's.
The Simpsons sighed.
Oscar giggled and went to his room.
"Wait just a minute Oscar." said Marge.
"Mmmm?" Oscar asked.
"You need to get some smart shoes for dinner, piano recitals and court appearances." said Marge.
"I don't play piano though." said Oscar.
"Well just for fancy dinners please Oscar..." said Marge.
"Okay..." said Oscar.
They went shopping.
"I'm not your mom so can I trust you to independently find your way to the shoe shop and back?" said Marge at the mall car park.
"Yeah of course!" said Oscar.
Some time later passed. Marge worried calls Oscar's mobile.
"Oscar what's taking so long? Just get some black shoes in your size. Where are you?" Marge asked.
"At soup." said Oscar.
"What?!" Marge asked.
"In the soup aisle at a supermarket!" said Oscar.
"Why on earth are you there?!" Marge asked.
"Because you said get some soup." said Oscar.
"I said get some shoes! At the shoe store!" said Marge.
"Ooooooh,.." Oscar sighed.
Marge grumbled and squeezed the bridge of her nose.
...
Meanwhile Hugo was sitting on Bart's bed pretending to be Bart.
"Hugo. That's Bart's room! He'll be mad if he finds you in here when he gets home!" said Lisa.
"Eat my shorts." said Hugo.
"Hugo! You're not Bart! Stop this silly charade Oscar's got you playing!" said Lisa annoyed that she yelled slightly.
"I thought you were sentenced to six months in prison..." said Hugo.
Elsewhere Bart and Milhouse abseiled down to Springfield Abyss. They wandered the shantytown. Blond evil Barney was in a bar brawl, The Winfields were living in a replica of the brown house and they encountered Ms Botz the babysitter bandit. And even Richie Sakai!
"Oh it's you you little brat..." said Ms Botx.
"Nyaaaaaaagh! Ms Botz!" Bart screamed his Sideshow Bob scream and ran away with Milhouse with Ms Botz chasing them.
"Jeepers!" Milhouse cried as they fled.
Richie Sakai sang Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves by Cher again.
(Singing)
Bart winced.
"After you're done singing, I'm singing the theme to Shaft..." said Bart.