Red River Blue
Chapter 73
Finally passing out after days of keeping herself awake with artificial stimulants was like falling into a deep dark abyss. At first, there was nothing there but the dark. Thick and oppressive, the total absence of anything and everything pressed in around her. And Carol found herself wondering if she was dead. And then wondering if she cared. The emptiness was comforting despite its oppression.
When the light came it was blinding and bright, like a flash bomb or the sudden unexpected flick of a switch in the middle of the night. Somewhere in her mind, she knew that what was happening was a dream. But she felt helpless to stop it, locked inside the body of a different Carol. One that didn't know anything about walkers or dead daughters or the child she came to love despite herself ending up with his head on a pike. This Carol had colored hair. And since she was inside this Carol's mind, she knew the name of the color on the box was Vanilla Cream and that River talked her into slathering it on her head in a vain attempt to attract a man now that her divorce was finally final.
This Carol didn't meet River at the prison. There was no prison. Because there was no outbreak. She met her at the women's shelter she was staying in with Sophia. River was only there temporarily. Unlike Carol, she had her own apartment. But her ex showed up there and kicked the door in. So she was staying at the shelter while some local domestic violence group had the door repaired and reinforced with new locks. When River and her daughters left to go back to their apartment, Carol and Sophia went with her. It was tight in her two bedroom apartment for two women and three girls. But they made it work.
The jingle of the bakery door snapped Carol out of her inner monologue. She straightened her apron and glanced up, her eyes widening. The man that entered certainly wasn't their usual bakery customer. And despite how attractive he was, Carol was frightened that the man might be there with some ill intention. He was wearing old worn-in jeans and a plaid shirt with the sleeves cut off, putting the defined muscles in his arms on full display. Carol swallowed hard as he approached the counter. And for a moment she was so lost in how blue his eyes were that she didn't even offer him the basic welcome that all their customers received.
"Uh," Carol stammered. "Welcome to Baby Cakes, is there anything I can help you with today?" Carol felt herself squirm a little under his scrutinous gaze.
"Where's River at?," he finally asked. Carol swallowed the hard lump in her throat. This was not River's ex-husband. The one that was banned from the premises but showed up and lurked around on the sidewalk across the street, watching her. But Carol was still worried that this man might be some associate of his. When Carol didn't answer, the man began to holler through the bakery.
"RIVER! HEY! RIVER! WHERE YOU AT?"
Carol tolerated his rude bellowing. But when the man looked like he was going to head around the bakery case and into the employee only area, Carol stepped into his path.
"What are you doing?," she asked. "You can't just barge in here!"
Before the little confrontation could go any further, River rushed out from the kitchen. She let Carol know everything was fine. Carol felt a little surge of jealousy when River hugged the man and kissed him on the cheek. And she was sure that she was imagining the way his eyes were lingering on her instead of on the way River's tight shirt accentuated her curves. Carol scurried back over behind the bakery case and away from the man. But as River led him away into the kitchen, Carol saw him glance back at her before he asked, "Who's the new girl?".
The light exploded around her again, blinding her momentarily. Carol got so caught up in her dream that for a moment she almost believed it was real. Or maybe it was. In some alternate dimension where the dead stayed dead and Ed didn't hunt her down and kill her when she filed for divorce. Carol blinked her eyes, letting them adjust to the light. She wasn't in the bakery anymore. She was in a kitchen. One that looked weirdly familiar but somehow not familiar at the same time. It was sort of like someone took elements of all the kitchens she ever cooked in and jammed them together in one room.
"Hey! Carol! I think yer burnin' the chicken!" Carol looked down at the smoking pan in front of her. She was burning the chicken. She reached for the spatula. But just as she got it in her hand, she dropped it. The plastic utensil landed on the floor near her feet. Her mouth was gaping open as she stared at her kitchen table.
"Sophia," Carol gasped. This was not the Sophia that got lost in the woods. Or the Sophia that came out of Hershel's barn. This was the Sophia that never got to be. She looked at least high school aged. And she was sitting at the table, her long hair falling forward as she scribbled in a spiral notepad and traced her thumb down the page of a psychology textbook.
The steaming hiss of water hitting the pan jolted Carol back to the present. The chicken was actually smoldering. And Daryl tossed the whole pan in the sink and turned the water on before it started a whole fire in their kitchen. Carol felt a surge of fear, remembering what Ed would have done to her if she burned his dinner. But Daryl just laid his hand on her shoulder.
"Are ya okay?," he asked, his face filled with genuine concern. Carol nodded, though the truth was she felt pretty fucking far from okay at the moment. Daryl pulled her into his arms, wrapping her up in a gentle hug before he led her over to the table and pulled a chair out for her. Carol sat down, scrubbing her face with her hands. She heard the fridge open and shut. And then there was a glass bottle of Lipton peach tea in front of her. Carol picked it up, staring at the cold beverage in wonder.
"I love peach tea," she said. Sophia glanced up, twisting up her face like she smelled something bad.
"Gee mom, is that why we have a whole case of it in the fridge?," she asked. "Are you on the train to crazy town today or what?"
"Hey," Daryl huffed. "Don't talk to yer ma like that." Carol watched as he pulled his wallet out of his pants pocket. It seemed surreal to see Daryl with a wallet. And when he pulled a few bills out, it felt even weirder. "Why don't ya go down the street and pick us up a pizza," Daryl suggested.
The promise of pizza had Sophia out of her seat in a flash. She snatched the cash from Daryl's outstretched hand and the two of them started play fighting. When they were done, Sophia made it to the kitchen doorway before she stopped. Turning around, she darted back into the kitchen. She leaned down and wrapped her arms around Carol. And Carol hugged her back, the time seeming to slow down as she experienced what had to be the one thing she wanted more than anything else in the world. To hug her daughter again. Carol reluctantly released her grip on the girl, watching as she disappeared out of sight.
"You upset about the fight?," Daryl asked.
Carol nodded again. But she wasn't upset by any fight. She was upset because at some point she was going to wake up back in some infirmary bed in Alexandria where she'd never see Sophia or Sam again. She didn't want to go back there. She wanted to stay here. With Sophia and Daryl and peach tea and take out pizza.
"I told River that guy was nothing but trouble," Carol heard herself say. She brushed her long hair back away from her face, using the elastic she kept around her wrist to secure it into a bun.
River was seeing someone new. She was always seeing someone new. Because anytime she started seeing someone, Merle would show up and run the guy off. This one was big enough and cocky enough not to take the hint. The problem with that was, the cocky jerk was married. And not only was he married, but his wife was dying of some kind of cancer. Earlier that day she showed up at the bakery with a scarf over her bald head, looking like death warmed over and ready to confront River for fucking her husband. And the cheater in question must have figured out where his wife was, because in the middle of their argument, he showed up. River started fighting and arguing with him instead of his half dead wife. And then Merle came busting in from across the street and beat the dude into fucking hamburger meat. To make matters worse, when the cops showed up, Merle went ahead and decided to go a few rounds with them too.
"Merle's up shit creek for real this time," Daryl groused. "Not only was he breakin' his restraining order. Again. But he's gettin' an assault charge fer sure. That asshole he walloped was an elementary school gym teacher with no criminal record. And he punched that cop."
"We can't pay for his lawyer this time," Carol said with a soft sad sigh. "I'm sorry honey, we just don't have the money." Daryl nodded. He would do anything for Merle. But he couldn't give what he didn't have. And the last time Merle did this same stupid crap, Daryl spent all the money they'd been saving for a family vacation. They didn't have a few more thousand dollars just lying around. Merle was going to have to figure this out on his own.
Daryl didn't say anything else. He just reached for Carol, pulling her out of her chair and into his lap. He held her close, wanting the comfort of her body against his. Carol closed her eyes. The world spun around her. And when she blinked them open she was lying in the dreaded Kingdom infirmary cot. Daryl was there, holding her against him like Denise encouraged all her patients' families to do when their loved ones were hurt. She said the chemicals that a loved ones touch released in the brain encouraged faster healing. Carol squeezed her eyes shut, wishing for one more glimpse of Sophia with every ounce of willpower inside her. But when she opened her eyes, her dream was long gone. And she was back in the horrible new reality that was just considered normal life now.
Carol felt helpless to stop the racking sobs bubbling up inside her. When she closed her eyes, she didn't see her long dead daughter alive and well. She saw the empty undead light in the eyes of Sam's decapitated head. She'd loved Mika since the prison. But Sam crept up on her. Carol tried to keep the boy at a distance. He was weak. Unprepared for a life in the world outside Alexandria's high walls. Carol told herself she was only taking care of him out of obligation. But somewhere along the line, he worked his way under her skin and into her heart.
"That's right," Daryl soothed, his hands stroking gently over her back. "Just let it out."
Carol tilted her chin back, looking up at him through the blurry unshed tears in her eyes. Tearing her gaze away, she buried her face in his chest. And for the first time since the day she saw Sam's head on a pike, she was finally able to let herself cry.